Chapter Text
When Sakusa Kiyoomi was twenty-three years old, a disaster happened.
It might not have seemed that way to an onlooker. No rocks fell from the sky. The ocean didn't boil over. The only thing that happened was this: a single piece of paper was taped crookedly to a hallway wall. Nevertheless, it upturned Sakusa's life as thoroughly as any traditional catastrophe.
The Black Jackals' team dormitory, the sign read, was going to be closed next weekend. Practices would be canceled for three days so the players could find temporary lodging without worrying about the potential commute. Apologies for the short notice.
It went on to say something about fumigations or renovations... Sakusa didn't care. Whatever the reason, it was nothing but an irritation.
The whole situation wouldn't have been quite so dreadful if Sakusa’s mother hadn't recently caught the flu. As it was, there was no way he was going to stay at his parents' house and risk getting sick.
He scowled at the sign.
Bokuto walked up and waved, as if perhaps Sakusa might not notice him otherwise. "Good morning, Omi-omi!"
Sakusa squinted. It wasn't a good morning, not at all. "Hello."
"I hope they put in a new dishwasher," Bokuto continued. "The one we've got doesn't work very well!"
There was a reason it didn't work very well, and that reason was standing right in front of Sakusa, completely oblivious. "That would be nice."
"Right? And even if they don't, I'm gonna go to Tokyo to stay with Keiji, so I win either way!" he announced, even though Sakusa had definitely not asked. In fact, he'd already assumed that Bokuto would be doing exactly that.
"I'm gonna go too!" Hinata added, appearing suddenly from behind Bokuto. "I'm gonna stay with Akaashi-san for a night and then go stay with Kenma!"
Sakusa startled; would an even smaller, louder player pop up behind him , like a set of hyperactive volleyball nesting dolls?
Thankfully, none did.
"You should come too, Omi!" Bokuto offered. "It'll be like camp! We can make a fire in the living room and cook stuff on it!"
As tempting as that offer was, Sakusa shook his head. Being burnt to a crisp was hardly a better option than catching the flu.
Besides, Sakusa wasn't a "road trip with teammates to crash at someone else's place" type of person. Bokuto and Hinata were entertaining in small doses; being confined to a vehicle smaller than the team bus with them, though? That didn't sound enjoyable. And staying at a virtual stranger's home? Definitely not. There were too many variables, too many unknowns involved for Sakusa to feel comfortable with that idea.
The only viable option he had was to pull money out of his savings and get a hotel room for the weekend. It wasn't ideal, but it was better than the alternatives.
And that was the end of it.
Or, that should have been the end of it.
But bad things, as they said, always came in threes. And sure enough, at that moment, a third teammate rounded the corner.
"Aw, stayin' in Tokyo, that sounds like fun!" Atsumu announced. "I'd join ya myself but I'm headin' up to the mountains."
Sakusa was going to reply with "why do think we care," when he noticed Bokuto's knowing smile.
Hinata leaned in and murmured, "Atsumu's boyfriend lives in the mountains."
And for the second time in as many minutes, Sakusa felt like he'd been struck on the head. "Good for him," he spat.
Without another word, he turned on his heel, hefted his gym bag onto his shoulder, and stormed out of the dorm, completely and totally fine.
Atsumu was a teammate. A friend. That was all.
Who cared if he had dangerous eyes and a terrible sense of humor that was funny for all the wrong reasons? Who would ever wonder if he treated a loved one the same way he treated setting: careful, deliberate, but with the heavy expectation that his efforts would be equally matched?
Unfortunately for Sakusa, he did. He cared, and he wondered, and he'd let the feeling grow so slowly that he hadn't even realized how big it had gotten until now.
Until it was too late.
The walk from the dorms to the gym was a short one, and it passed in a blur. All Sakusa's mind could do was circle around the fact that he'd missed his chance. How he wished he'd known that he'd wanted a chance in the first place.
If he hadn't been disgusted by the state of the gym's bathroom stalls, he would have shut himself inside one until the world stopped spinning. But unfortunately they were disgusting, and there weren't enough wet wipes in the world to make him feel like they weren't. He'd have to bottle up his feelings until practice was over. Then he could go back to his room, lock the door, and grapple with them in solitude.
All he had to do until then was get through the day. It wouldn't be hard. Sakusa was a professional, after all. He absolutely wouldn't allow his jumble of emotions to interfere with work. He certainly wouldn't aim a serve right at Atsumu's stupid, boyfriend-having face.
At least not more than once.
It didn't even hit him, anyway. Atsumu sidestepped the ball and Meian received it. And of course, once Atsumu did get his hands on it, he turned the momentum into a beautiful arc of a toss, because of course he did. Stupid Atsumu, and his stupid, perfect sets, and the stupid, perfect smile he made after he'd done one.
Sakusa didn't care about any of it.
He didn't care so much, in fact, that the instant he got home, he collapsed into bed and buried his face in a pillow. Maybe he'd end up suffocating to death. He suspected that might be preferable to enduring his current tangle of emotions.
Self-pity was futile, and Sakusa generally avoided it. But just this once, he allowed himself a taste, to see what it was like.
It sucked.
Atsumu had a boyfriend. A boyfriend.
A parade of unwanted emotions trampled across Sakusa's heart.
Unwanted emotion one, the one he'd been stifling for months now, led the charge: Atsumu might be a pain in the ass, but Sakusa liked that. He also liked the way that Atsumu could be weirdly thoughtful, like the time he'd elbowed Sakusa in the side and whispered conspiratorially that he had a tiny bottle of hand sanitizer in his gym bag, in case Sakusa ever ran out.
Sakusa had convinced himself that he was only curious. That he wanted to know what made someone like Atsumu tick. But the weight of the word boyfriend settled in his stomach, sickening, and he knew it was much, much worse than that.
Unwanted emotion two crashed along behind, giving him little time to digest emotion one: Sakusa had definitely seen Atsumu flirt with girls, and told himself that meant he, Atsumu, was straight. And thus, he, Sakusa, being an utter gay disaster, shouldn’t even entertain the possibility of a relationship with him. But no. Atsumu had a boyfriend, which meant that he wasn't straight at all.
Unwanted emotion three: Atsumu had a boyfriend. How dare he?
Unwanted emotion four: Damn it.
Sakusa rolled onto his back and stared up at the ceiling, trying desperately to channel his emotions into a more productive form: rivalry, maybe. Or anger. Anything. But they were stubborn, and their shape refused to change. When he thought about Atsumu, familiar warmth sat, deep in his chest just as it had before. It had a coat of confusion and disappointment now, but that was the only difference.
He sighed.
He'd gone to university. He was a professional volleyball player. He had friends, and a life that he enjoyed. And yet instead of appreciating what he had, here he was pining like he was back in middle school, watching as a serious boy seriously folded a damp pocket handkerchief.
His tastes had certainly changed, if nothing else had. Atsumu was nothing like Ushijima. He was loud, reckless, demanding. The focus and intensity were there, but they felt different. Atsumu wore his heart on his sleeve: he was so expressive, so emotional. Especially when they were alone, when his game face vanished and he’d get wide-eyed and goofy and feel so much more real.
Sakusa curled up into himself. Despite all his precautions, a sickness had caught him off guard.
A sickness in the shape of a human being.
The silver lining of the whole unfortunate situation was that Sakusa would soon have an entire weekend to himself, to sulk and get over it. Until then, all he had to do was behave as if nothing was wrong, and hope that he could fool his teammates. He felt a flash of gratitude for his natural introversion and his prickly personality. The team was used to him stalking off to corners to be alone, and they knew not to bother him when he did.
Not willing to take any chances, Sakusa decided to alter his routine. He woke up earlier than usual so he could make breakfast and retreat back to the safety of his room before anyone could bother him.
Just to be safe. It wasn’t as if he was trying to avoid anyone in particular. Certainly not.
Well before sunrise, Sakusa stood in the communal kitchen, stirring his tea. Today the team had afternoon practice, so he was confident that no one else would be awake at such an ungodly hour.
Definitely not Atsumu.
Sakusa yawned, and when he opened his eyes after, Atsumu was there, as if he’d been summoned by his thoughts -- as if he were the literal devil.
Maybe he was.
"Mornin', Omi-omi! Yer up early!”
“I am,” Sakusa answered, because he was. It was too early to be clever about anything.
“Excited for our little vacation comin’ up?”
"I suppose."
"Me too." Atsumu stretched his arms and took up entirely too much space in the narrow doorway. "Ya gonna head to yer folks' place?"
There was no way to leave and avoid the conversation: Atsumu was blocking the door. Besides, Sakusa was still too groggy to fuss. It was simpler to just answer. "No. I'm getting a hotel room."
Atsumu’s eyebrows shot up. "A hotel room? Why?"
"My mother's got the flu."
"Ah, okay, makes sense," Atsumu nodded. "Still, kind of a waste of money, ain't it? Isn't there anybody ya could crash with? It's only a couple days."
"It's easier this way."
"Yeah, but Omi... a hotel?"
Sakusa huffed. It was true that he didn't particularly like staying in hotels. He didn't like wondering what else had happened in the room, or wondering how well it had been cleaned afterwards. Wondering if some nasty little surprise was lurking in a corner. Atsumu, who often roomed with him for away games, knew that from experience.
After all, he'd been present for The Disgusting Coffee Stain Incident.
The night before an early away match, he'd found a large, dark stain on supposedly clean hotel sheets. Irritated, he'd ripped everything off the bed. In retrospect, it hadn't been one of his proudest moments. But what else was he supposed to have done? Ignore it? Impossible.
Atsumu had watched him quietly. To Sakusa’s surprise, he didn’t joke about it, or even suggest that he ask for new bedding -- as if he already knew the futility of that idea, knew that there was no way Sakusa would trust anything the hotel provided. Instead, he’d grinned and emptied out his overnight bag. As he stuffed the sheets inside, Sakusa stared, confused. "C'mon, Omi-omi! All we gotta do is find an all-night laundromat!"
And so they did; they smuggled the sheets out, and washed them until Sakusa was satisfied. Atsumu had treated the whole thing like some sort of fantastic adventure. He didn't even complain the next day, though he'd clearly suffered from lack of sleep.
That night had lodged itself in Sakusa's mind. The way Atsumu had sat close to him on the bench at the laundromat, chattering about whatever came into his head. The way he'd yawned midway through a laugh, and brushed off Sakusa's concerns that he wasn't going to get enough rest.
"I’ll be fine. I'm more worried about ya. I know how miserable ya get if ya don’t get yer sleep," he'd said. "If ya wanna get some shut eye, I'll stand watch."
He'd mock-saluted, grinning.
There was no way Sakusa would have been able to fall asleep in a public place like that, but the offer left him feeling warm the entire night.
Looking back, it felt all too obvious. How had he not realized the true nature of his feelings? How long had he had this ridiculous crush?
That was something he’d have to figure out later. Right now, he had a more urgent Atsumu-shaped problem to deal with.
"I'll be fine. It’s just for the weekend," he answered, trying to fill his voice with a confidence he didn't feel.
Atsumu's face scrunched up in disbelief. "Omi-omi, there's no way I'm lettin' ya stay in a hotel by yerself. What if there's a bug?"
Okay, yes, Atsumu had also been forced to kill a few insects for him, now and again. But it wasn't like Sakusa couldn't handle them himself. He was a grown man. "Then I'll leave, and get a room in a different hotel."
"Right," Atsumu laughed. "Nah, ya can't, Omi. Yer gonna be miserable."
Sakusa shrugged. He was going to be miserable, but that had less to do with the fact that he'd be in a hotel and more to do with the man standing in front of him.
"There's gotta be a better option. Gimme a second, I'm gonna check on somethin'."
Before he could even begin to respond, to say no, there was no need, Atsumu vanished out the door. Presumably he was headed back to his room.
Sakusa sighed. What was he supposed to do now? Stand around in the kitchen and wait for Atsumu to come back?
He sipped his tea. Stupid as it felt, he was doing just that. Atsumu had told him to wait, so he was waiting.
Only a few minutes passed before Atsumu reappeared, an excited gleam in his eyes. “Guess what, Omi-omi!
"What."
"C'mon, guess !"
"I don't want to guess."
Atsumu made a show of sighing and rolling his eyes. " Fine, ya stick in the mud. I found ya someplace to stay!"
Sakusa's answer was immediate and firm. "No."
"Aw, c'mon. I haven't even told ya where it is yet."
He didn’t need to. There was a short list of possibilities, considering how quickly he’d found something. The most likely answer was that it involved staying with someone Atsumu knew well enough to bother this early in the day. Probably his brother. Sakusa didn’t mind Osamu, but he didn’t want to stay the weekend with him, either. "I don’t care where it is, the answer is no."
"Omi, can ya stop bein' a pain in the ass for one second?" Atsumu half-glared, half-pouted at him. With his nose all scrunched up, it was hard to take him seriously.
"No.” It was a good word. It usually gave good results.
Usually.
Atsumu’s pout deepened; it was, unfortunately, slightly adorable. Sakusa resolved to stand firm. It didn’t matter if Atsumu made puppy-dog eyes at him. He was not going to get foisted off on his twin for the weekend.
“I was gonna say ya can come stay with me'n Shin."
Sakusa blinked. Who? Was that some new nickname for Osamu? Or was Atsumu talking about someone else? "Shin?"
“Shin’s my boyfriend.” A momentary flash of worry showed on Atsumu’s face. “Ya don’t have a problem with that, right? With me havin’ a boyfriend?”
He did, though not in the way that Atsumu surely meant. He wasn’t a bigot, he was just jealous, plain and simple.
"I'm gay, Miya,” he answered. How ridiculous was it that the object of his crush was worried that he might be homophobic?
"Oh. Okay.” The tension in Atsumu’s face immediately dissolved. "Good."
Good ?
Sakusa filed that away in the depths of his heart, under “things Miya said that feel important but don’t actually mean anything at all.” The metaphorical box was starting to bulge a little at the seams.
“I already knew about him, anyway,” Sakusa announced, trying to maintain his focus. “I expect the entire team knows. You shouldn't tell Hinata anything that you don't want to be public knowledge."
Atsumu laughed and ran his hand through his hair. Sakusa knew that it was something he did was he was embarrassed, which wasn’t often. Atsumu had a very high shame tolerance. "Yeah, yer right about that. Well, guess it makes things easier, havin' it out there. Anyway, yeah, so… that’s Shin. I'm headin' up to his place for the weekend and ya can come with, if ya wanna. Just talked to him, he said he doesn't mind."
Sakusa stared back blankly. What sort of offer was that? Even if he didn't have his feelings to deal with, who in their right mind would say yes? To be stuck playing third wheel to a long-distance couple for an entire weekend? "You want me to come with you," he repeated in disbelief. "To your boyfriend's house."
"Yeah! He's a rice farmer back home, his farm's way up in the mountains. It's real pretty, and he grows real good rice, Samu gets a lot of his--"
"I'm sure it's delightful," Sakusa interrupted, voice flat. "The answer is no."
Of all the things in the world that Sakusa Kiyoomi hated--dirt, bugs, damp door handles, crowds, high humidity, and so on--he was certain that "staying in an isolated location with Miya Atsumu and his boyfriend " was at the top of the list. The fact that the destination would also likely include dirt, bugs, and potentially damp door handles just made it worse.
"You'll love it, though!" Atsumu insisted, against all evidence to the contrary. "I think yer gonna get along great with Shin. He's real tidy, just like you."
Sakusa rolled his eyes. As if that were his entire personality. "I don't see why you'd think that that's enough to--"
"Omi. I saw yer face when ya noticed Meian-san carries around the same brand of wet wipes that ya do."
"That's different."
"It really ain't. Ya get all starry-eyed over anybody who's on yer level of clean freak. No point in denyin' it."
Sakusa squinted, annoyed. "I do not get starry-eyed."
"Sure ya don't,” Atsumu laughed. “Anyway, he's great. Real quiet, real serious, real thorough. Yer gonna love him."
"What does it matter?"
"Because, Omi, I know ya like bein' alone and all, but I don't think ya'd relax in a hotel all by yerself, and I do think that if ya came with and hung out with me and Shin, ya might actually have a good time."
Sakusa crossed his arms. This “Shin” sounded tolerable enough, apart from the whole being-Atsumu’s-boyfriend thing. Maybe under better circumstances it wouldn't be all that bad. But the circumstances were awful, so he stood his ground. "I'd just be in your way. You don't see him very often, do you?"
Atsumu beamed, bright and genuine, at the question; Sakusa had to resist the urge to scream. Someone who was making his life this difficult had no right to look so delighted, or so cute. "Omi-omi! Yer so nice! But nah, we'd both rather help ya out. Promise."
“Why would he? He doesn’t even know me.”
"Whaddya mean?” Atsumu asked, head tilted in confusion. “Shin knows ya, at least a little bit. I mean, we played yer team a few times, saw ya at Nationals and all that. Ya really don’t remember him? Little bit shorter than me, light hair with dark tips, real intense eyes? Wearin’ number one?"
Pieces fell into place.
Shin. Kita Shinsuke. Inarizaki Volleyball Club captain the year before Atsumu. Sakusa did remember, vaguely. He wasn’t sure that he ever saw Kita play, but he was a presence even on the sidelines.
The clearest memory Sakusa had of him was courtesy of Komori, who’d pointed him out, asking if anyone had seen the opposing captain blink even once.
Sakusa hadn’t. Truthfully, he didn’t pay much attention to anyone who wasn’t on the court, and why would he? The observant boy on the sidelines wasn’t an urgent threat, not when faced with the Miyas and that irritating, bendy middle blocker who’d ended up on the same professional team as Komori.
“A little bit,” he answered.
“He remembers ya, ya know! Well, guess yer easier to remember, since ya were a hot shot ace and all. And ‘cause I tell him stories about ya now,” Atsumu laughed.
“Please don’t.” Stories? Atsumu better not have told him about the hotel sheets.
“Good stories, promise!”
“Your insistence only makes me doubt your sincerity.”
Atsumu stuck his tongue out at him; Sakusa smirked back. That was a clear sign of victory, reducing Atsumu to the most childish response in his arsenal. "C'mon, Omi, quit bein’ a shit and let me help ya out. We're friends, right?"
They were. Sakusa was on good terms with everyone on the team, but he was closest to Atsumu.
He blamed it on Atsumu’s insistence; from Sakusa’s first day on the Jackals, Atsumu had made an effort to reach out and make sure he felt welcome.
Later, he’d confided -- after a little bit of alcohol -- that when he was a rookie, he’d dealt with terrible homesickness and loneliness.
Atsumu wanted to be a lifeline for him, in the way he’d wished someone could have been a lifeline for him. It wasn’t something Sakusa had needed -- he was good at being alone -- but it came from a place of kindness. With that understanding came respect, and the first realization that Atsumu had grown up since they’d last met.
Maybe, Sakusa thought, that had been the real start of his problem.
"And I think you'll really like Shin," Atsumu repeated, determined to sell Sakusa on that point. "Ya can talk about... I dunno. Dish soap or somethin'. Or plants. It's just a couple days, right? If ya hate it, I'll make it up to ya."
"How?"
"Dunno. I'll think of somethin'."
"I'll be in your way."
"Ya won't! Here, I'll call Shin back and he can tell ya himself!"
"That's not--"
But Atsumu had pulled his phone out, and was already dialing. "Hey, Shin! Sorry to bug ya again, but I'm havin' some trouble with Omi. Can ya tell him that it's really okay with ya if he comes? He's draggin' his feet but I don't think he's gonna get any rest in a hotel, y'know? An' you wanna meet him again, right? Hang on, I wanna let ya talk to him. Okay, here he is."
He held his phone out to Sakusa, who stared at it. "I am not holding your phone."
"Oh my god, Omi-omi. Really? Fine. Here, I'll hold it for ya."
And wasn't that the most awkward thing ever: Atsumu grinning and holding his phone up to Sakusa's head so that he could talk to Atsumu's goddamned boyfriend.
Sakusa sighed, resigned. This was his life now. Ridiculous. (Later, he’d realized they could have put the call on speaker. Sakusa blamed the earliness of the hour, and the proximity of Atsumu, for his failure to think.) "Hello. This is Sakusa."
"Hello. This is Kita. I'm sorry for Atsumu pesterin' ya." The voice was crisp and polite, and spoke with the same accent as Atsumu.
You should be sorry. "I'm used to it."
A soft laugh carried over the phone. "I'm sure ya are."
"Anyway."
"Right. I know this idea probably feels awful awkward to ya. But I'd be real honored if ya'd come stay the weekend with us. There's a guest bedroom, so ya can have yer privacy. Everythin's already clean, but I plan on washin' all the linens again on Friday--"
Icy certainty grew in Sakusa’s chest. "Miya, you told him about the coffee stain incident, didn't you?" he hissed.
Atsumu tried to look innocent and failed. "No?"
Sakusa's eyes narrowed. He had. He absolutely had. "You're horrible," he muttered, before turning his polite voice back on. "No, I couldn't possibly put you through the trouble," he said to Kita.
"It's no trouble."
"Please, Omi," Atsumu pouted, mere inches away from his face. "Ya don't wanna go to a hotel, I know ya don't."
Sakusa wanted to protest. He really did. His heart wouldn't be able to take two days of constant exposure to Atsumu. To Atsumu’s boyfriend.
But he was a simple man, and there was the promise of clean sheets and a reasonable amount of privacy. There might be some bugs, but there would be two other people present to eliminate them. And Kita did seem very considerate.
And something inside him had flared up, warm and bright, at the fact that Atsumu had arranged this, on such short notice, for him.
That thing was fed by the hope in Atsumu’s eyes.
He was a simple man, and a very weak one.
"Fine," he grumbled.
"Really?"
“Don’t make me regret it.”
“I won’t! Promise!”
Another quiet laugh came over the phone. “I’ll try to make sure ya don’t, too.”
Sakusa felt his face turn red. “Not you. Miya.”
“We’ll both do our best,” Kita answered. “I should be gettin’ goin’ soon, if that’s everythin’?”
“I think so. I’ll give you back to him.”
Atsumu grinned as Sakusa darted away from the phone. “Shin, yer a lifesaver! Absolutely amazin’! We’ll see ya soon, love ya!”
Love ya.
It echoed in Sakusa’s mind, slowly twisting into different words: Just what do you think you’re doing?
He didn’t have an answer.
Atsumu, unaware of his quandary, grinned. “We’re gonna have so much fun! It’s gonna be great, Omi-omi!” For a terrible moment, Sakusa thought he might try to go in for a hug.
He's not trying to spend time with you because he likes you like that, you idiot. He's just glad that he gets to be the hero.
Sakusa crossed his arms again, already irritated at his own weakness.
Atsumu took the display of grumpiness in stride. "I'm even gonna borrow Samu's car so we don't have’ta take the train!"
As wrapped up as he’d been in protesting the idea, Sakusa hadn’t even considered how they’d get to the farm. A car was better than the train, technically, but --
He squinted at Atsumu. “Do you even have a driver’s license?”
Atsumu’s face fell. “Huh? Nope, I figured ya’d be the one drivin’.”
Wait.
Was that why Atsumu was so insistent that he go? Because he wanted a chauffeur?
A moment later, a wide grin spread across Atsumu’s face. “I’m teasin’. Of course I can drive, ya dolt.”
"Your sense of humor is somehow even worse than the rest of your personality,” Sakusa snapped back.
Atsumu just winked at him.
It took Sakusa everything he had to avoid choking on his tea.
The rest of the week flew by all too quickly. Instead of trying to hold out until the weekend came, Sakusa started to dread it the closer it got. How had he so easily traded his time alone for subjecting himself to the constant presence of Atsumu and his boyfriend?
He considered trying to weasel his way out of the trip. Tempting as it was, he knew, deep down, that he wouldn’t be able to. Atsumu was too stubborn, and Sakusa’s heart too weak. All it would take was Atsumu pouting, going, “Aww, Omi-omi, ya really don’t wanna?” and he’d cave.
Pathetic was the only word for it.
Resigned, Sakusa decided to use practice as a chance to, well, practice.
He bantered with Atsumu, joked with Bokuto, dodged Hinata’s attempts to joyfully smack him on the back. Maybe he turned a little redder than usual when Atsumu leaned in close to murmur something meant for his ears only. Maybe he didn’t avoid Atsumu’s high-fives as thoroughly as he could have. But for the most part, he was sure that his act was convincing. Surely no one on the team, especially Atsumu, had any inkling of his true feelings.
And as he did, he grew comfortable with the ache in his chest. It wasn’t all that different than it had been before. It still flared up whenever Atsumu smiled at him. It still hurt, deep down, in a strange warm way. The main difference was that while before, he hadn’t wanted to acknowledge it, now he simply wouldn’t act on it. If he ignored it long enough, surely it would go away on its own.
He grew increasingly confident that he could get through a weekend in close proximity to Atsumu and emerge unscathed. Confident that he could survive a weekend with the notoriously observant Kita Shinsuke without making an utter fool of himself.
Confident, and almost entirely wrong.