Work Text:
Bikini Bottom was not a strict town. It did not have strict laws, nor did it have strict enforcers to enforce the few laws it did have.
However, while Bikini Bottom did not have strict laws, it did have a strict unwritten law, and that was the law of the bikini. The law of the bikini was exactly what it sounded like. All residents of Bikini Bottom were to wear bikini’s, for if they did not, they would not be true Bikini Bottomers. Likewise, most Bikini Bottomers were bottoms for the same reason, but now was not the time to get into that.
Anyway, the bikini law was why it was completely acceptable and not at all weird for one Severus Snape, who was in town to see his boyfriend, to walk down the street in a goth-looking bikini.
It was black with spikes and looked like something one would expect a 13-year-old wannabe vampire girl who shopped exclusively at Hot Topic to wear.
It was of odd taste, yes, but Squidward always allowed Snape’s odd tastes to slide, for clothes never lasted long when he was around.
That was not to say that Squidward did not like his clothes, for he did, but most of their meetings were focused exclusively on de-robing, if you knew what he meant.
Unfortunately, today was not one of those days. Today was a serious day, for Squidward had called Snape in for the sole reason of delivering important news.
Snape had been forewarned of this fact, and, to prevent his lovely Squidward from getting handsy (or was it tentacle-y?), had put a sticking charm on all of his clothing. It was sad, but a necessity.
Snape soon found himself at his destination and he adjusted his bikini once before pushing open the doors of the Krusty Krab, very glad that he had managed to find the place in time.
He saw Squidward immediately, as he was staring at the door from behind the order window. Snape joined him in the kitchen.
They stared at each other for a moment.
"I got hired at the Krusty Krab," Squidward was the one to break the silence. Snape liked that about him. Always so fearless. “The pay’s not too good but every penny helps.”
They two were both broke bois on their own, what with Squidward having been previously unemployed and Dumbledore not giving Snape any more money than was lawfully required, and so, with Squidward's budding clarinet habit getting more and more expensive, they both had to get jobs.
"I only have to serve the Krabby Patties, though, so it’s not… too bad."
Snape looked at him and, for a moment, and ill-disguised lust (for snape did not love. he did not) flickered in his dark eyes.
"How...interesting." He drawled.
To anybody but Squidward, it would seem like Snape was disinterested, maybe even a little hostile. However, unlike most people, Squidward had known Snape for years, having met at a support group for people dealing with extremely annoying and stupid individuals, and knew all his tells. Snape was interested in the best was possible.
"Do you like that I found a job?" Squidward asked in a nasally voice, "Do you like how well I am going to, ahem, support you later?"
Snape blushed, his normally mayonnaise coloured face turning a tomato red. Squidward felt an odd urge to ravish him right then and there.
"I-I," Snape stuttered as Squidward pinned him against the wall of the empty crusty crab kitchen.
Just as the boyfriends leaned in, one abnormally large nose caressing the other, somebody burst inside.
"SQUIDWARD!" Spongebob yelled, waving his yellow cratered hands in the air.
The romantic moment sizzled out of existence faster than Mr Krab on 'find that penny'.
"Spongebob." Squidward’s voice turned dry and dull, significantly different than the spicy tone he had been using before.
It sent shivers down Severus' spine. He loved it when his boyfriend got mean.
"SQUIDWARD!" Spongebob repeated.
There was silence.
Spongebob was the one to break it this time.
"I know that you’re busy but there are-" he breathed in very deeply, "Krabby patties to be made."
Snape was very confused.
"What?"
He was, again, very confused. It was only 6:30 in the morning. Who ate hamburgers at 6:30 in the morning?
(In two completely different places, both Patrick Star and Ronald Weasley sneezed.)
Spongebob turned his impossibly wide smile to Snape.
"You! You will be belly dancing on the tables."
Not waiting for an answer, Spongebob proceeded to throw a very confused Severus Snape over his shoulder, running out the door.
Unfortunately for Spongebob, that was where Squidward drew the line.
Nobody but he could see his boyfriend belly dancing.
"I quit!" Squidward declared, snatching up Snape.
The two managed to push past the glass doors before collapsing.
"I can’t believe I quit my job. What am going to do now?" Snape noticed a hint of sadness in Squidward’s tone. "If I don’t get some money soon I might have to... sell Sally."
Sally was the name of Squidward's clarinet.
Besides Snape, Squidward loved nobody more than Sally.
"Perhaps you could try the giant squid," Snape suggested, patting his boyfriend on the back.
“I heard he’s hiring.
"Cousin Adam-Laurance is hiring?" Squidward asked, a gleam of hope apparent in his eyes.
Snape nodded solemnly.
Cousin Adam-Laurance was a very... special soul. When Snape said special, he meant batshit crazy.
Working for that ballistic giant squid would be an actual nightmare, that much was obvious, but Adam-Laurance was rich, so the pay would be considerably better.
He felt Squidward place a warm appendage on his inner thigh.
"If I'm going to be working for that cousin of mine..."
Squidward raked his eyes over Severus' form appreciatively.
"I would greatly appreciate a belly dance to cheer me up."
Snape inhaled sharply before placing a nervous peck on his boyfriend’s cheek.
He then stood and squatted down.
Unfortunately, Squidward felt a rumble on his phone, ruining the saucy moment.
"Adam-Laurence needs me now," Squidward apologized, looking at the lit screen in dulled dismay.
"But-but,” Snape pleaded, though his expression stayed bleak as ever, “I need you more!"
Squidward glared softly at his lover.
"Im sorry, but Sally comes first."
Snape gasped.
"No- hang on a moment," Snape got distracted by the phone in Squidward’s hands. "How in the world are you using that? Magic and electricity clash violently, you know this!"
Squidward looked Snape dead in the eye. When then broke eye contact the phone was no longer a phone. It was Sally.
"Hahaha" Sally crooned, high pitched tune edging on ear-piercing. "Squiddy loves me more."
Snape saw red.
"You- you dunderheaded musical instrument. you aren’t even a real person!"
Everybody gasped.
A moment paused and Sally became angry once, keys popping up in down in a sort of crazed frenzy.
Snape ignored her, turning to give Squidward a salty and somewhat vengeful kiss.
As he did so, Sally crept up behind him. He turned around, shocked, but it was too late. At least he would die in his boyfriend’s arms.
There was a clang of metal to flesh and Snape fell, dizzy and probably concussed.
Distantly he registered someone shouting his name. He ignored them.
"Snaaaapeee" A voice he identified as Squidward’s echoed. "Snapeeee"
Suddenly, Snape felt something on his lips and he jerked awake. It was just like in a fairytale.
His eyelids fluttered open. Though the sight he was bombarded with was still blurry, he could tell Squidward was saying something.
He rubbed his ears.
“What?” he asked as his hearing came back to him, “what’s wrong?”
"It’s your turn to belly dance, Sevvy,” His boyfriend placed him on the table gently.
"I love you," Snape giggled, wiggling his hips seductively.
"I love you too," said Squidward as he placed a Krabby patty on an unsuspecting customer's head.
They kissed, none of them aware of one Harry James Potter in the background, currently engaged in a threesome with Spongebob and Patrick.
It was to no matter, for all was well.