Archive of Our Own

If Jeongguk thought he’d be able to fall asleep after a very exhausting day of classes he was gravely mistaken.

No matter how droopy his eyelids were, or how tired and heavy his body felt, he just couldn’t give in to the gentle darkness of rest. He tossed and turned in his bed, helplessly looking for a comfortable position to fall asleep in, but nothing worked.

No matter how exhausted he was, his mind was restless. Thoughts floated and disappeared inside his mind, too fast for him to properly process and understand them. They flashed and called at him with seductive indifference, disappearing seconds before he could properly make sense of them. Each and every little thought that exploded like fireworks inside his head, disappearing seconds after but the noise it made resounded in his eardrums as he helplessly looked for a way to calm his racing mind. 

Jeongguk was tired, he wanted to sleep, desperate to catch just a little bit of rest. It had been a long day, having to be up early in the morning for his 8am lecture to start a day packed to the brim with lessons. Then finishing the day by going to the gym in the evening and finally getting back to his apartment a little before midnight.

He opened his eyes with tired resignation, the quietness of his bedroom was empty, devoid of all the glittering hues of the rainbow that tend to follow along his vision. He sighed, turning to his bedside table to grab his phone and his Airpods.

He was quick to put them in his ears, unlocking his phone before opening the YouTube app and typing the name he had become more than familiar with. Vantae . The YouTuber had gotten quite a following the past year, almost reaching a million subscribers. They had yet to do a face reveal, but Jeongguk didn’t need to see their face to know how beautiful they were. He needs only to hear their voice.

The colors.

“Hello~”

It was the colors.

It was the deepness of the indigo that floated in his vision, lines swirling and fading as they mingled with different hues of blue. Like an ocean, the color was that of the deep depths, of the gentle waves and the darkening sky.

“Hey, guys. I’m back.” It was the emerald that highlighted the dark blue hues. The one that glittered and danced with the indigo shades. The color of deep forests and bright grass, sparkling with calmness and thought. “Welcome to another ASMR video with Vantae.”

Their voice was gentle, soft. Spoken in their deep baritone that warmed Jeongguk in a fluffy blanket of night. 

Jeongguk heaved a sigh, contented by the colors swimming in his vision, so beautiful and peaceful. Vantae started gently using a makeup brush—or what Jeongguk guessed was a makeup brush, seeing as he could not actually see what they were doing—over the microphone, with a dark, soft orange coloring in his vision he allowed himself to melt into the softness of his mattress.

“Welcome back.” Vantae whispered, the emerald highlighting the blue alight with the teasing tone of their voice. “I hope you’ve been doing fine~” The video continued on, Jeongguk laying happily with the colors of the rainbow filtering into his sight. Beginning to feel his eyelids heavier and heavier, a yawn he muffled with the back of his hand escaping his mouth.

But before he knew it the video was done, forty five minutes gone in a second. Jeongguk tried not to feel annoyed by having been unable to fall asleep. It seemed it wouldn’t be as easy as watching an ASMR video to help himself rest.

He checked the time on his phone and heaved a long, exasperated sigh. It was two in the morning and he couldn’t go to sleep.

He figured he might as well try having some chamomile tea to calm his mind, though the video had helped him ease his anxious thoughts a bit.

Making the tea was an automatic process, one he had gone through more times that he could count. But it wasn’t something he used to always do by himself. He recalled instances in his life when his aunt would dance around the kitchen, humming or singing softly under her breath as she prepared them both a cup of tea. Hues of lilac and rose accompanying her lithe, dancing figure across the large kitchen of his childhood home.

He smiled softly at the memory, nostalgia and grief creating a loud, dissonant sound that reverberated against his eardrums as he added several spoonfuls of sugar to his tea. His aunt did always reprimand him for the excessive amounts of sugar he put in his drinks.

He sipped on his tea quietly, being careful to not burn his tongue as he drank. He looked around the stillness of his apartment which was too big for a single person to live in. It was too expensive for a simple college student, too, but he wasn’t one to complain about the little things his parents did for him. The little things that showed him that perhaps they didn’t forget he existed after all.

It had been so long since he last saw his parents he was beginning to forget what shade of red his mother’s voice was. He was beginning to forget the green hues of his father’s rumbling laughter.

Maybe he could give the two of them a call sometime, but the longer Jeongguk thought about calling his parents the more he realized the last thing they wanted to do was hear from him. They would probably just ask if he needed more money than the exorbitant allowance they already gave him each month.

Jeongguk doesn’t have memories of his parents ever setting foot in his apartment. The only family members that visited him were his grandparents, their last visit was a couple of months ago.

He left the empty cup on the counter, feeling drowsy as he navigated his apartment in the early hours of morning. Half an hour had passed when he returned to the comfort of his bed, sinking back into the mattress and picking up his phone once more.

This time, Jeongguk chose a song instead of an ASMR video. It had been released a couple of months ago, and it was one of Jeongguk’s favorite images to fall asleep to.

Winter Bear was like a lullaby, soft and easy on the ears; filtering colors of indigo blue and a dark emerald green dominating the orange, yellow and pink hues that accompanied it. The emerald was most evident in the chorus, but the mix of color was soothing and pleasing.

It was his favorite ever. Jeongguk loved the song, it was the song that convinced him that whoever the person singing it was the most beautiful person to have set foot on the planet. The symphony of colors that person had created was beyond ethereal.

Jeongguk didn’t get to finish the song, embracing sleep the moment it welcomed him with open arms. Blues and greens twinkling beneath his eyelids.

He doesn’t remember much of that night.

He is still not sure if it's because of all the alcohol he had drunk—he had gotten competitive over beer pong—or simply because he had suppressed his memories in an effort to save himself the pain of remembering the event. To protect himself from the truth.

Jeongguk remembered enough, though. Enough for it to hurt; to carve a hole into his chest until his heart bled out all the blood it was supposed to pump into his body.

Bright reds, purples, blues and yellows. Neon colors of all shades dancing across his vision in an intricate dance to the deafening music of the place. He remembered throwing up beside a plant that could have also been a person, he’s not sure, he just remembers there was a very tall, green plant in the living room.

One of his friends had been the one to call his aunt.

Jeongguk remembered his aunt’s stern face as Yugyeom walked him out of the party, Jeongguk leaning half of his weight on his friend because he couldn’t keep his balance. He remembered his friend's sheepish face as he handed over Jeongguk and greeted his aunt sweetly, apologizing for letting Jeongguk drink so much.

His aunt had been gentle as she guided him to her silver Audi, he remembered noting how out of place her expensive car looked in the run down neighborhood. She guided him over to the passenger side.

The first thing he had noticed then was the sharp colors that filled his vision. Not the blues and silver shades of the night, or the light neon colors that could still be heard from the party. No, he had noticed a sudden rusty red, like the color of dry blood, sharp and hard compared to the other colors. An orange so overwhelming, it had made him feel uncomfortable. Then the darkest shade of green he had ever seen; he remembered thinking it was the most hideous shade he had ever seen.

Jeongguk noticed the shouting voices until later, just when his aunt was opening the car’s door for him. They had been so loud, ringing in his ears, sharp and hard like the colors that accompanied them. Their tone was ugly and made him nervous.

White had exploded in his vision, blinding him of everything and overwhelming all his senses.

Jeongguk remembered the gentle grip with which his aunt had been supporting him, loosening suddenly.

It was a dull gray when her body hit the ground with a flat thud.

He remembered red, so bright and vicious. So much red. That unforgiving shade staining his jeans and his shirt and his hands.

And then there was a splash of lilac and rose. Light and weak but very present. Sweet and gentle compared to the unbearable truth the scarlet implied.

Lilac and rose.

“Gguk-ah.”

There had also been the yellows, blues and whites of the police sirens. Yet the rosy hues and purple shades were all he could concentrate on.

“I love you, Gguk-ah.”

He never saw lilac and rose dancing in his vision again.

The sudden blaring of his alarm clock woke him up with a start. The noise loud and colorful; a bright metallic orange tinged red with the desperation of the sound. He sat up on his bed, heart pounding as he tried to take in his surroundings.

It had been so long since he managed to sleep so deeply. He was glad he could get a few proper hours of rest.

Once his heartbeat had calmed he sighed, turning to his bedside table to turn off the colors that annoyed his eyes. He dropped back onto his bed then, staring up at the white ceiling of his room. The dull paleness of its color reminded him of how different it was from his childhood bedroom, where he and his aunt had painted the ceiling with Jeongguk's most favorite things.

There had been a piano and violin, colorful musical notes radiating off of them into the prettiest swirling of color he could imagine. He remembered he had spent hours trying to get the exact shade of purple and pink of his aunt’s voice—it still hadn’t been quite right, no matter how much he tried.

He remembered the indigo and emerald that emanated from the dark brown piano. His aunt had painted those. 

He wondered if his parents had kept the ceiling like that or if they had painted over it once Jeongguk had moved out. He couldn’t know, he hadn’t stayed over at his parents house since he started university three years ago.

Jeongguk groaned loudly, not feeling like getting out of bed to go to class, but he had an early lecture and he couldn’t afford to miss it.

With that thought in mind Jeongguk got up and started his morning routine.

On his way to class Jeongguk had the dreadful realization he had forgotten to eat breakfast. Which was appalling because he never forgets. He’s very meticulous. His friends always teased him about how—despite being endearingly witty—he just cannot function properly without food and coffee on his system. He just can't.

Which is why he finds himself waiting in line in one of the coffee shops around campus. A couple standing in line in front of him, their voices mixing prettily in hues of fuchsia and yellow as they teased each other.

He immersed himself on his phone as he waited for the line to move, not being one to comfortably start small talk with random people. He scrolled through his Twitter feed, liking a tweet from Vantae that said they were posting a song cover that night instead of an ASMR video. It made him giddy, thinking about the deep baritone vocals of the person behind the account. The indigo and emerald that swam into his vision, mixing prettily and clearly. Like the deep ocean, it reminded him of his grandparents' house in Busan.

He smiled, the emerald bright against the indigo, the baritone resonating like a soft caress against his eardrums.

“Excuse me.” Jeongguk stilled. “What would you like?” His head immediately sprang up at the voice, the familiar indigo and emerald of the sound clear against the colorful chatter of the busy coffee shop.

His mouth felt incredibly dry, mouth gaping open as he looked at the stranger with the familiar voice. He was tall, maybe around the same height as Jeongguk, though he couldn’t really confirm it with the counter dividing the two of them. His hair was a curtain of dark colored curls, a stark contrast against the honey of his skin.

Jeongguk swallowed drily as he took in the stranger’s features. He was delicately handsome, Jeongguk couldn’t quite breathe with the piercing chocolate eyes that looked at him expectantly.

“I’m sorry?” Jeongguk asked breathlessly.

The stranger’s lips twitched upwards in amusement. There was a mole almost on the tip of his nose. “What would you like to order?”

“Uuuh,” Jeongguk voiced eloquently. He glanced up at the menu, trying to distract himself from acknowledging why the stranger’s voice looked so familiar. “Umm… caramel macchiato.” He tried. “...Please.” He added as an afterthought.

The stranger smiled at that, nodding as he typed in his order. “Anything to eat?”

“Croissant?” Jeongguk said helplessly, it came out as a question since his mind was trying to make sense of the situation.

Jeongguk almost cried when he saw the twinkling emerald of his chuckle. “A croissant.” The stranger confirmed. “What’s your name?”

“Huh.” Jeongguk couldn’t quite take it. Mind short circuiting.

“For your order. What’s your name?” The amusement twinkled and mixed with the baritone indigo of his voice and Jeongguk was gone with the dancing colors in his vision.

“Jeong.” He said hastily, not being sure he would be able to say anything more.

“Alright then, Jeong. That’d be ten thousand won.” The stranger told him, his mouth spread into the sweetest, rectangular shaped smile Jeongguk had ever seen in his entire life.

Jeongguk nodded immediately, pocketing his phone hastily to take out his wallet and give his card to the beautiful stranger in front of him. The stranger smiled, then returned Jeongguk’s card after a while, the same box-like smile spreading his features beautifully.

“Uh, thanks.” Jeongguk said lamely, grimacing before moving to wait for his order to come up and allow the person waiting behind him to make their order.

He tried not to stare at the stranger, the sweet smile with which he greeted everyone. The way he nodded as he listened to orders and typed them into the screen. The way his dark hair curled around his ears or how soft it looked.

Jeongguk tried not to stare—he failed—but most importantly he tried not to freak out about the familiar baritone of the voice, he tried not to scream at the familiar colors that painted everything with tenderness and care. The indigo that reminded him of ocean waves, the emerald that twinkled and chirped.

His name was called more times than he cared to admit—he hadn’t heard it at first and he forgot he couldn’t quite say his name properly and he was called Jeong now. Just Jeong.

“Why are you looking so flustered?” Areum said it as a form of greeting when he finally arrived at his lecture hall. The coral of her voice shone with glittering amusement, as she watched him slump down on his desk.

Jeongguk groaned,  “Please bury me.”

“What did you do?” She looked at the name written on his cup. “Jeong?”

Jeongguk groaned again. Areum laughed out heartily with a chiming coral.

It took Jeongguk his entire lecture to finally process what had happened. If his professor noticed his lack of attention she didn't mention it, and for that he was grateful. It took him the entire three hours of the lecture to understand two things:

One, Jeongguk had just met the youtuber he had been following for months now. The one whose voice he listened to when he needed help relaxing or couldn’t seem to fall asleep. Apparently, Vantae was a barista at one of the coffee shops in his college campus. Who would have thought.

Two, Jeongguk had completely and inadvertently embarrassed himself.

He was a shy person, he had always been. Jeongguk found it difficult to get comfortable around other people, often coming off as quiet and aloof; intimidating and unapproachable.

Therefore, the second he was thrown into a confrontation he wasn’t prepared for, his mind stopped functioning like that of a human being, and he just became a Jeongguk shaped puddle of goo. Especially when that confrontation came in the shape of running into the one person whose voice reached through the crevices between Jeongguk’s ribs and gently caressed the tender tissue covering his heart. 

Jeongguk had always believed the person behind the Vantae account to be beautiful. To him, the colors in which they spoke were very telling, the glitter and shine of their tone strikingly revealing. The indigo baritone of his tone was homely in ways Jeongguk never thought he’d be able to experience again. The emerald twinkling of it was striking with the enduring innocence of hope.

Whenever he listened to Vantae’s voice he felt as if he could come up with endless melodies, write the most remarkable of lyrics and compose the most mellifluous of songs.

Jeongguk had always believed Vantae to be beautiful, and he was right, but Jeongguk had never imagined that their beauty would be that of otherworldly tales and unspoken myths. Jeongguk could do nothing but gape and marvel at the other’s ethereal beauty.

Still, processing the events that preceded his morning lecture came with a whole lot of cringing and embarrassment from his part. He could still not believe he had been so out of it and awestruck he couldn’t even voice his entire name.

Which also resulted in having none other than Kim Areum beginning to call him Jeong, instead of Gguk as he was used to being called by his friends.

“Hey Jeong-ah,” she called with a teasing grin as she pulled her dark wavy hair into a neat ponytail. “Wanna join me for lunch? My brother is working and I don’t feel like eating by myself.”

Jeongguk let out a whine, putting his notebook back into his backpack and zipping it shut. “Don’t call me that, it sounds so weird.”

He was met with the twinkling coral of her laughter, making him roll his eyes and throw his backpack over his shoulder. “If you keep making fun of me you’ll be eating lunch by yourself.”

“You wouldn’t dare to leave me by myself, you love me too much to abandon me like that.” She said smugly, joining him as they made their way out of the lecture hall.

“Do I?”

“You do,” Areum confirmed firmly. “Without me you wouldn’t have someone to make fun of our classmates ‘witty’ remarks, you’d only be the pretty loner at the back of the class.”

A small smile grew on his face, he had met Areum just that semester and despite him being his awfully shy self at first she quickly pulled him out of his shell and brought out the teasing, playful person that lay within the thick veil of awkwardness. Areum was explosive and cheery, unafraid to approach anyone and stir up a conversation, bold and confident in the way she carried herself. Areum was also awfully smart and perceptive; which always made for really interesting, mind boggling conversations. Just a really wonderful person all around. Jeongguk cared a lot about her.

“You think I’m pretty?” Jeongguk said, bunny teeth peeking out cutely as he wiggled his eyebrows at her.

She rolled her eyes, “Yes, Jeongguk. I think you’re very pretty to the point it’s unfair. Have you seen your eyes? They are big and shiny. And when you smile you look like a small, pretty bunny. It's so cute.” She spoke that matter of factly, as if Jeongguk being pretty was as obvious as the sky being blue. Areum glanced at him out of the corner of her eyes as they exited the building. “Wait, are you blushing?” 

“No.” Jeongguk lied.

“Aw~ Jeonggukkie~”  She cooed, walking in the direction of the cafeteria. “I mean it, you know. You’re very pretty.”

Jeongguk was in no position to deny her claims, even if he didn’t think his looks were particularly remarkable. He just thought he looked good enough to pass as attractive. “You’re not so bad yourself, Areum-ah.” He told her.

Areum smiled cheekily. “Thanks. I know.”

He laughed lightly at that, Areum soon joining him with her soft coral laughter. “Anyways,” she said, “what had you so flustered earlier today?”

Jeongguk groaned at that, having forgotten what had transpired on his way to class. “Just me being me and embarrassing myself in front of the prettiest human being I have ever seen.”

“What do you mean? You didn’t embarrass yourself in front of me.”

He turned to glare at her, Areum’s light brown eyes meeting his innocently before she broke down in a fit of laughter. “I’m sorry. Continue.” She prompted.

“You’re beginning to sound a lot like Seokjin hyung and I’m seriously considering never ever introducing the two of you.” He sighed, shaking his head softly. “I don’t know. I ran into someone I never ever thought I’d meet and my brain kind of just stopped working. He was just really really beautiful, you know?”

“He?” Areum questioned, pursing her lips in an effort to not laugh. “Jeongguk did you gay panic?”

He could tell from the soft pink shades in her voice that she was trying really hard to hold in her laughter. “And what if I did?” He said with dignity.

She exploded into coral laughter mixing with shades of pink, heat rushing to his cheeks and the tips of his ears. “You’re so cute.” Areum told him once she had calmed down. “Who would have thought cold and intimidating Jeon Jeongguk would panic at the sight of a pretty boy.”

“Areum,” he whined, “I’m shy!”

“And he was really pretty, I got it.” Areum said, nodding. They had just entered the cafeteria. A rainbow of chatter filtering into his line of vision.

“You don’t understand, pretty just doesn't cover it.” Jeongguk began, “he had the fluffiest dark curls and his eyes were big and there was a mole at the tip of his nose?” He shook his head in disbelief. “And when he spoke? When he spoke I saw the most marvelous colors, his voice was deep in shades of dark indigo blue and there was emerald in the sweetness that dripped from his tone.”

Areum stopped walking abruptly and stared up at him with wide eyes, lips parted slightly as she blinked. “Wait, Gguk? Where did you meet this person?”

“In the coffee shop, that’s like, right outside the science building? I don’t know the name. I'd never really gone there before today.” He said with a shrug, a little confused by her reaction.

“ Vanilla and Cinnamon ?” She asked slowly.

“Huh? I think so, yeah. I don’t think I’m going back though. That was enough embarrassment for a lifetime.” Jeongguk said sheepishly, shrugging. “The caramel macchiato was pretty good, though…”

Areum nodded slowly at his words, “I see…” There was something in the way her eyes twinkled that was a little unnerving, almost as if she was planning something. She looked up at him and smiled sweetly, “let’s go get our food, okay?”

“Yeah…” Jeongguk agreed, quietly. Suspicious of whatever it was Areum was planning.

It couldn’t be anything good. At least, not for him.

Jeongguk often felt disconnected from the world. Almost as if his body was on autopilot and he was nothing but a spectator of his own life. Sometimes he woke up and found in himself no energy to start up the day—though he forced himself to do it. Sometimes he had to force food down his throat despite not being hungry, he knew he wasn’t supposed to not eat in the entire day.

For someone that perceived so much out of so little, his life often felt black and white. Dull and simple. A monotonous routine filled in monochrome shades, one he felt too numb to properly appreciate.

And sometimes, when Jeongguk didn’t feel numb, he felt the gaping hole inside his chest that dripped colors he could no longer see. And it hurt, it hurt so bad having someone snatched from right between your fingertips in such a sudden, unpredictable way.

Having someone ripped right out of your life in a way that could only cause the most agonizing of pains.

And when Jeongguk didn’t feel numb and he began to feel the cavernous hole inside his chest, he also felt the guilt that devoured his flesh and swallowed down his blood greedily.

It’s your fault, it’s your fault, it’s your fault .

Those three words pounded inside his brain, getting louder and louder and louder. Hitting every crevice of his body in order to open badly healed wounds, making sure that blood poured out of his very soul as he tried not to give in to the torture his mind put him through every other day.

It’s your fault, it’s your fault, it’s your fault .

Those were the words that kept him awake at night. The truth in their bloody shade ringing in his ears and settling in his bones, creating an itch he could not possibly scratch because to do so he’d have to peel each and every layer of his being.

Jeongguk often felt disconnected from the world, and when he wasn’t he was thrown back to the worst experiences in his life, to the sins he had committed and the actions he could never undo.

That is, unless he was making music.

Music.

The word felt like magic escaping from between his parted lips when he spoke it. Rosy in its sweetness and purple in its gentleness. The word was like the tides, unpredictable and unforgiving but so calming and warm. The word was like the first rays of sunshine that filtered in through the crevice between his bedroom curtains. It was the magic of the night sky and the silver of the full moon.

Music.

The day Jeongguk decided he loved music, he had seen a rainbow.

He had been five years old back then, laying across the couch, head placed on his aunt's lap as she typed furiously into her laptop, glasses perched over her nose as she wrote like a maniac on three cups of coffee. Her blonde hair had been tied up in the messiest ponytail he had ever seen as she poured her thoughts and feelings into her novel.

Jeongguk hadn’t really cared back then what his aunt was doing, he was bored. “Auntie~” He had whined, receiving a halfhearted hum as she continued typing. “Auntieeee~” he had repeated.

“Yes, bun?” His aunt had asked, eyes still plastered to the screen and fingers moving rapidly over the keyboard. 

“Auntie! I’m bored.” He had said, looking up at her owlishly, pink lips turned downwards in a pout. “Can we do something fun?”

His aunt had looked down at him, conflicted. “Koo-bun… I haven’t had this many ideas in a while, can you wait a little longer and I promise you we’ll do something fun later.”

“But I’m bored now,” he had whined.

“Jeonggukkie, now’s not the time to throw a tantrum.” She had said with a disapproving look on her face.

Jeongguk had huffed, sitting up and crossing his arms over his chest. “No one ever wants to do anything with me.”

His aunt had sighed softly, placing her laptop on the coffee table and turning to look at him. Eyes tender but a little disapproving as they looked at him. “Look, Jeongguk-ah.” She had begun, the rose of her voice darker with the scolding tone. “You need to be patient, okay? We will do something fun, but later. Don’t say no one ever wants to play with you because you know that’s not true. I love you, bun. Good things always come to those who wait. So wait a little longer and then I’m all yours, okay?”

Jeongguk had looked at her with a frown on his face, as she waited patiently for him to answer her. He had heaved a long sigh before replying, slouching his shoulder a bit. “...okay.”

The smile that had spread across his aunt's face had been enough for him to admit defeat, happy that his complying pleased his aunt and made her brighten up like that. “Thanks, baby. We’ll go out for ice cream later. Is it okay if I put on some music? It’ll entertain you.”

Jeongguk had shrugged, cuddling up against his aunt to watch what she did just as she clicked on a folder on her screen.

And then he was enveloped by the most beautiful yellow, like the rays of the sun, followed by the green of the grass and the trees. He had gasped at the sudden assault of colors, the deep purple that was so different to his aunt's voice and the bright pink that was shaded so differently to his aunt's tone. The bright blue and the light cerulean, followed by a peachy orange that had him widening his eyes in wonder.

Up to that point Jeongguk had never paid much attention to music, never really bothered to notice the shades of their notes. Until that point he had never considered that music could be beautiful.

“It's so pretty…” He had muttered softly, but loud enough for his aunt to hear.

“What is, bun?”

“The colors of the song,” he had explained, trying not to be too loud to properly appreciate the song. “They’re so pretty.”

His aunt had remained silent for a bit, blinking down at him in confusion. “What do you mean by colors?”

Jeongguk had straightened up to look at her owlishly, baffled by her reaction before asking. “The colors of the song? You know, like our voices and other sounds have color and everyone has a different color. Like yours is a light purple and pink and Eommuni is red and Abeoji is green.”

“Jeongguk there are no colors in sounds…” His aunt had said, pausing the song. “Have you always seen colors in sounds?” She was looking at him tenderly and curiously, clearly wanting to hear more.

“Yes. I thought everyone did.”

His aunt had nodded, a look he couldn’t quite explain in her eyes before she looked him in the eyes again. “Did you like the song?” She had asked then.

Jeongguk had nodded enthusiastically. “Yes! It was so pretty and colorful, even if I didn’t understand what they were saying!”

She said nothing, instead clicking play again before settling back on the couch, Jeongguk cuddling against her. She didn’t continue typing, seemingly lost in thought as her hand started playing with Jeongguk’s hair softly. He had listened carefully to the song trying to see all the shades and colors of its sound and imprint them into his eyes. Eyes alight with wonder. 

When it was finished, his aunt paused the song again to keep the next song from starting.

“Gguk-ah.” She had said then, her hand stopping the soothing movements on his scalp.

“Yes?”

“Have you ever wanted to learn to play an instrument?”

Jeongguk had frozen then, eyes widening at her question. He hadn't ever thought that but the idea of being able to create sounds that would paint everyone's life in color filled him with excitement he couldn’t contain.

“Can I?” He had asked, looking at her with pleading doe eyes. “Can I learn to paint like that?”

His aunt's eyes softened at his excitement, a smile growing on her face at his choice of words and nodding softly. “Of course, baby. We’ll look for a tutor so you can start lessons as soon as possible.”

“I can’t wait!” He exclaimed, standing up and jumping around the living room since he couldn't quite contain the energy that wanted to burst through him. “I’ll use only the prettiest shades when I make music, you’ll see! Someday I’ll make the prettiest song just for you!”

He had been met with his aunt's twinkling lilac and rose shade of laughter, reverberating through his ears and towards his heart and filling his chest with the warmest of feelings. After that he had gone to get ice cream with his aunt to the parlor she loved the most.

A week later he received his first piano lesson.

Notes floated through the air like fairy dust, shining golden and silver with a deep metallic purple dominating it. Pink tinged the air and filertered his vision rosy, and he sighed.

He’d spent the entire afternoon working on that song and finally, finally , it sounded and looked the way he wanted. Taking his headphones off when the colors faded and the music stopped, he placed them on the desk in front of him and leaned back on the chair with a long, satisfied sigh.

Jeongguk was tired but it had been a long time since he felt so comfortable with himself. He was proud of the song he had produced, despite knowing he had yet to finish the lyrics and still needed to look for someone that could provide them their voice to record the vocals. He could sing it himself, he knew his voice was stable and pretty, but it just didn’t seem right for the song. It was soft and airy, and while his voice could complement it, he wanted something darker.

Jeongguk wanted something that sounded like night and gleamed like gemstones.

Still, he felt happy with how much he had advanced that afternoon. With a sigh he stood from his chair to stretch, needing to move after being slumped over the computer for hours. He let out a yawn, tired after such a long day before picking up his phone from where he had placed it when he had gotten to the studio after his last class.

He blinked twice before the time properly registered and his eyes widened. It was almost 11pm and he had gotten there at 4pm, notifications flooded his screen: messages from Yoongi and missed calls from Seokjin, some notifications from Twitter and Instagram. It was until he saw the YouTube notification that he remembered what was scheduled to be posted an hour ago.

He gasped softly, getting back on the chair and placing the headphones back over his ears. He saved his progress and opened YouTube, typing Vantae into the search bar and clicking over the profile, absentmindedly noticing the channel had already surpassed a million subscribers.

There was a sharp intake of breath when he saw the title of the video, staring at it for longer than he should’ve, heart knocking against his chest.

‘FIX YOU’ (COLDPLAY COVER) BY VANTAE. [THANK YOU FOR 1 MILLION!!!]

Jeongguk clicked on the video and took a sharp intake of breath when the familiar notes of the song greeted him. Soft blue and purple, mixing with shades of red and orange, those colors were as familiar to him as the lyrics of the song. As familiar as the lilac and rose that used to accompany them.

And when indigo danced with emeralds and joined the rest in a cacophony of colors Jeongguk could do nothing but listen. Listen to the heartfelt lyrics and the baritone voice that sang them, the green that sharpened or softened and the indigo that became as deep as the ocean.

Jeongguk just listened . Forgetting his embarrassing meeting with the owner of the voice and allowing himself to be soothed by him instead. Allowing his heart to feel the sound and swallow the colors; shades of lilac blurry as ghosts past his vision, rose dusted around so thinly he was almost certain it wasn't really there at all.

And when the song finished, the last line being sung by that deep baritone Jeongguk took a deep, shivering breath.

“ Lights will guide you home~ ” Vantae sang with his indigo voice. “ And ignite your bones ~” Jeongguk gasped for breath. “ And I will try to fix you. ”

He didn’t realize he was crying until he choked on a sob. Tears streamed down his face, glittering like jewels as they made their trek down his cheeks, leaving sparkling, damp roads behind that Jeongguk tried to erase with the back of his hand.

It was beautiful, the cover was beautiful. A painting of sound and a melody of colors: of oranges and yellows and purples and reds. Of indigo and emerald; like the mysteries of the deep ocean Jeongguk oftentimes found himself trapped in.

It was beautiful and it was familiar and it reminded him of her . But not of the night he saw her die (not of the trauma he brought upon himself, of the sin he committed), but of all the other times. It reminded him of the afternoons spent baking after school, of ice cream late at night, of movie nights and gentle scoldings. It reminded him of dancing to idol music playing in the background and the two of them twirling alongside all the colors that followed the sound.

It reminded him of the first time Jeongguk played an original piece for her, the way he watched his painting come to life and the way she smiled as the notes filled the air.

It reminded him of home, of the person that tucked him to bed and made tea when he couldn’t sleep. The one that picked him up from school and reprimanded him when he threw a tantrum. It reminded him of the warmth of rose and the tenderness of lilac.

So Jeongguk sobbed, he sobbed for the memories and the times he had tucked away in the back of his mind and had sparked to life with the sound of song. He sobbed for the person he loved, for the person he missed and grieved. He sobbed for the happiness and gratefulness that bloomed in his chest and the guilt that for once, was nowhere to be found.

He sobbed for the song that reminded him that what he loved was precious and that their memory should be treasured and remembered with a smile. Not with pain.

Never with pain.

Jeon Jeongguk had a plan.

He had a plan, a genius plan if he would say so himself. Only thing left was executing the plan. 

Which was his current predicament. He stood a few feet away from the entrance to Vanilla and Cinnamon , a lengthy and convincing speech on the tip of his tongue, one he had rehearsed earlier that day in front of his mirror (not that he would openly admit to such a thing). People kept walking past him and into the coffee shop, sometimes sparing him a confused glance before opening the door. Probably wondering why he was standing in front of the door like a deer caught in headlights as he kept mentally psyching himself up.

Jeongguk had a plan. A genius plan, a master plan. After having pondered over it for the past six days he had decided to ask Vantae to sing for a song he had produced. His vocals were perfect for it, his deep indigo would contrast that dominating golden and pink of the song with the depth of the ocean. Jeongguk was certain.

The only problem was: Jeongguk was shy. He didn’t have Seokjin's headstrong confidence to walk up to the barista, tell him that he knew he was Vantae because he recognized the color of his voice and then ask him to sing in a song he had produced. If he considered how flustered he had been  the one time he had spoken to the youtuber, Jeongguk wouldn’t make it out of that confrontation alive . So yeah, maybe his plan wasn’t as genius as he first thought it was and maybe he had been overestimating himself and his ability to speak to cute baristas with a soothing voice.

So he remained standing by the entrance of the coffee shop, battling the glass doors with his eyes as he tried to pump himself up and just try to talk to Vantae .

So far he was failing.

“Would you look at that!” The familiar coral of the voice filtered into his vision and Jeongguk sighed. “If it’s not my favorite muscle bunny,” Areum said, throwing a hand over his shoulder as Jeongguk continued to glare at the glass door. She was pretty tall so the position didn't seem to bother her. “Why are we glaring at the door, Jeongguk-ah? What did it do to you?”

“Hello, Areum-ah.” Jeongguk greeted with a light laugh, turning to look at the girl half embracing him and noticing the purple highlights that hadn’t been there the last time he saw her. “I like the highlights.”

“Thanks, I know I look pretty amazing with them.” She said confidently with a gummy smile lightening up her features. “You haven’t answered my question, though.”

“Well…” If Jeongguk told her about his plan, Areum would probably help him out (she was sweet like that) at the expense of a hell of a lot of teasing in the foreseeable future (she was a little shit like that). “I don't know, what about you? What are you doing here?”

“You know, I wanted to try pilates at a coffee shop.” Areum told him convincingly.

Jeongguk stared at her blankly, unconvinced

Areum let out a light, coral laugh. “My brother works here, I just got out of class and thought I’d come wait for him to finish his shift.” She checked the time on her phone before continuing. “It shouldn't be too long before he’s done.”

“You always talk about your brother, yet I’ve never met him.” Jeongguk said absentmindedly, tilting his head slightly with a little furrow to his brows.

She stared at him for a second. “I actually think you might have.” She said cryptically, making Jeongguk frown deeper. “Anyway, he shouldn’t be done for the next fifteen minutes or so, wanna get coffee with me seeing as you probably lost your glaring battle with the door.”

Jeongguk glared at her briefly before rolling his eyes. “Fine, I’ll have coffee with you. I don’t really have anything better to do.” He did. He should be executing his plan and getting Vantae to feature in his song. It seems he’ll have to try again some other day.

“Yay!” Areum cheered, “then push open your mortal enemy and lead the way into the coffee shop, Jeonggukkie, I’m starving.”

He let out a soft laugh at her antics and did as she said, the welcoming smell of coffee and vanilla greeting him and setting the mood in the cozy coffee shop. Jeongguk had only been there once before (he had embarrassed himself terribly, he’d rather not think about it), and just like before he felt at ease at the place, there was a bookshelf at the far end of the shop, filled with well read novels and comic books. This time around though, there was no queue, the only people around were students working on their assignments and studying, or couples and friends catching up over a cup of coffee.

So when Jeongguk noticed none other than Vantae standing behind the counter his heart began hammering so hard against his ribcage he was certain it would somehow jump out of his chest. 

“Areum-ah!” It was the deep indigo he was familiar with that greeted them, the emerald glittering brightly against it. “What are you doing here, I thought you had classes until late today.”

Areum smiled brightly. “I did, but the professor cancelled, so I thought I’d come to bother you instead.”

Jeongguk had only heard the soft, indigo laugh a few times before on his videos, but seeing (and hearing) him laugh right now had him with his heart on his throat. “You don’t bother me, Areumie.” Vantae said with a smile as Areum and Jeongguk approached the counter. “How could my sweet little sister be a bother to me when I'm busy and working?” The emerald in his voice was alight with the teasing sarcasm of his tone, and Areum scoffed softly at it.

Jeongguk had to pause for a second there, footsteps slowing, because the familiarity with which Areum and Vantae were speaking threw him on a loop. The words the barista had spoken resonated in his head. It took Jeongguk entirely three seconds to connect the dots, not only that Vantae was a barista that worked at the same coffee shop as Areum’s brother, but that Areum’s brother was none other than Vantae himself.

“I know right?” Areum said, “give me an iced Americano.”

Vantae cringed at that, “I will never understand how you can drink such a foul thing.” Nevertheless, he took a cup and wrote something on it before placing it aside. “Anything else?”

Areum nodded before turning to look back at Jeongguk, mirth dancing in her brown eyes when she noticed the light pink dusting his cheeks. “What do you want?”

“Oh wait, I know you.” Vantae said, making Jeongguk’s eyes widen. “I knew you looked familiar when you were standing outside. You’re Jeong, right? You came by last week, would you like another caramel macchiato?”

Jeongguk believed the earth was very cruel for not swallowing him whole right there and then. He would have believed some supreme being would be a little merciful with his soul and have the barista forgetting about their little awkward encounter, how many flustered people could the barista take the order from daily, after all. Clearly that hadn’t happened and the barista not only remembered his name, but his order too.

He decided not to look at Areum, he was certain the girl was a second away from exploding into a laughing fit.

“I…” Jeongguk tried, taking a deep breath.“Ye-yeah, a caramel macchiato for me.”

“Cool, anything to eat, Jeong?” Vantae asked, not unkindly, his voice was rather soft and soothing. Jeongguk was gonna die.

He tried clearing his throat slightly, trying to pull himself together. It was just a person after all. A sweet, incredibly handsome person with a soothing voice Jeongguk had been listening to to fall asleep for the past months. “Uh… My name is actually Jeongguk…” He said awkwardly, watching as Vantae nodded, adding the missing syllable to his cup. “And, I’m, no, I’m fine, it’s fine, uh, thank you, though.”

Vantae smiled softly at that, putting the cup aside and then looking at his sister. “Do you want anything to eat?”

Just then did he notice the way Areum’s cheeks were bright red and she was pursing her lips. She refrained from talking and simply shook her head, trying not to look at either of them as she simply made a grab for her bag to take out her money.

“Nah-ah, you’re not paying. It’s on me today.” Vantae said, typing some things into the computer. Areum didn’t seem too bothered by it, simply putting her bag away and gesturing at a table before going to sit.

“Wait, no, I can pay!” Jeongguk said he was shy but he didn’t want to burden anyone in any way.

Vantae simply shook his head. “Don’t worry, Jeongguk-ssi, it’s on me. You just gotta promise to keep coming by more often.” He finished with a wink and a small smile. Jeongguk died a little more.

Jeongguk waited for their drinks, taking them from the other barista (who he had failed to notice until then, being too worried about how he was dying inside) and then going to join Areum at the table she had chosen.

When she saw him she exploded into a laughing fit.

“Your face,” she wheezed, “it’s so red.”

“You did this on purpose, you demon!” He whisper-shouted at her, only making her laugh louder and catching the attention of a few other customers that soon went back to their business.

“I’m sorry!” She laughed, “It was just too good to let go and I had to do something about it. I meant to introduce you to each other sometime though so it was two birds with one stone.”

“You demon!” Jeongguk repeated, though he smiled a little bit at her antics. “You knew from the start. I’m so embarrassed, Areum.” He grunted the last part into his hands leaving them there to try to hide his flaming face.

She smiled, “I’m sorry, Jeonggukie. At least you now know the person behind the YouTube account you follow is my brother! You can’t say anything to anyone though, he doesn’t plan to do a face reveal or anything.”

“You’re a menace, Kim Areum.” Jeoongguk told her from behind his hands.

“I know.” She told him, sipping from her drink with a smile.

They drank their coffees in silence after that, Areum mindlessly scrolling on her social media while Jeongguk tried to cool off by staring out the window into the street. It was late october, the air getting chillier and outfits warmer, he couldn't deny the hot caramel macchiato was a welcomed beverage.

Jeongguk sighed softly, he knew that day was approaching, and though he still felt great guilt over what had happened, he was also beginning to realize that guilt wasn’t going to bring her back. He’d been starting to realize that the last thing his aunt would have wanted was for him to feel pain over her memory when all she ever gave him in his life was love and joy. His aunt loved the autumn season over the rest, telling him that despite how the blooming of spring, and the heat of the summer were very attractive, nothing beat how people began to huddle for warmth as the world began to get chillier.

“ Just how people look for the warmth of another. It reminds us we’re alive when everything is dying. ” That’s what she had said one time he had asked her about it. 

“May I join you two?” The vivid indigo, current cause of Jeongguk’s rosy cheeks, swirled into his vision. His gaze snapped towards the source, seeing Vantae wearing an oversized gray hoodie and jeans, a cup of what he assumed must be coffee on his hand.

“Did you bring cookies?” Areum asked her brother, who rolled his eyes and took out a little bag of cookies from the pocket of his hoodie. “Then you’re more than welcome to sit with us, oppa.” She said with a sweet smile, making grabby hands towards the bag of cookies.

Jeongguk smiled at Vantae (trying his best not to look too awkward) as he took a seat beside his sister, sipping from his cup before melting into the seat. “Ahh, I’m so tired.” He sighed. “I think I could sleep for seven days straight when I get home.”

“Ugh, me too.” Areum said, locking her phone and placing it face down on the table. “I swear these roman law assignments are taking a toll on me, it's so boring.”

Taehyung hummed, sipping from his cup before looking at Jeongguk. “Anyways, I’ve heard Areum speak about you before so it’s nice putting a face to the name.”

Jeongguk smiled, “Yeah… Likewise, it’s nice finally meeting you, she always speaks about you, too.”

“Aaw, does she?” Vantae cooed, turning to his sister with a smile. “You talk about your oppa to your friends, Little Bee?”

Areum scoffed, “and what if I do? You’re my stupidly sweet, annoying brother.”

It was nice, Jeongguk thought, seeing their dynamics. They were clearly close to each other, even if they seemed to bicker and tease each other there was a lot of love and tenderness in those teasing remarks. Jeongguk could see it in the tone of their voice, the bright warmth to Vantae’s emerald and the pinkish glow to Areum’s coral. It was nice, and it made him long for something he never really had growing up.

“Cute.” Vantae said with a smile, before turning back to Jeongguk. “So, what’s your major?”

“I, uhm, music. I study music production.” Jeongguk told him a little shyly.

“Really? That's so cool, I love music! I sing a little sometimes and used to play the saxophone when I was younger.” Vantae said. Something Jeongguk was aware of, the singing part at least. “Ah, I almost went for music at some point, too. Do you like it a lot?”

And… Asking Jeongguk if he loved music was like asking if he knew how to walk. Because loving music, for him, was as easy as walking, as normal as breathing and as simple as existing. Music was his life.

Areum smiled.

“I absolutely adore music!” Jeongguk began, “It’s always been my passion. Since I was little I learned to play the piano and then the guitar and then I started learning to produce stuff when I was thirteen. I got some singing classes, as well, and wrote my own music and it's just.” He groaned in frustration, trying to vocalize what music made him feel, but he couldn't. He would always fall short. There weren't any words to describe his feelings for his passion. “It's just magical to me, it paints the prettiest melody in front of my eyes.”

The smile he was met with was blinding, it was wide and boxy and sweet and so, so genuine. “That’s amazing.” Vantae told him. “It's amazing seeing how passionate you are about it, Jeongguk. I’d like to hear something you made someday…”

“I can show you now!” Jeongguk said, though a light pink dusted his cheeks as he realized the tangent he went into about music. Though, neither Vante nor Areum seemed to mind.

“Really? I’d love to hear it!” Vantae said, prompting Jeongguk to take out his phone and look for the file of the last song he’d been working on and pass it over to Vantae and Areum to listen. He ignored how hot his face felt.

“It’s not finished, I still need to record the vocals, but I wanted someone else to sing in it. Not just me.” Jeongguk told them as he watched them start to listen to the track. “It’s called film out .”

Vantae nodded, closing his eyes as he listened to the song Jeongguk had worked hours on producing. Areum listened closely as well, a small smile extending over her features as she listened.

Jeongguk watched them with bated breath. The only other person that had listened to it had been Yoongi, who always listened to Jeongguk’s work and made sure to praise him and tell him what he liked most about it. But this was different, no matter how much he cared for Areum they still weren't that close. And Vantae? Well he was virtually a stranger to Jeongguk, so allowing them to listen to his music was a little personal. But Jeongguk was also proud of his work, he knew that song was one of his best so far, he just hoped they liked it.

When the song was finished he watched as Vantae returned Jeongguk’s phone to him, an unreadable expression on his face. “So… what do you think?”

“I think,” Areum said with a smile, “That my favorite muscle bunny is very, very talented. That song is so beautiful Jeongguk. It’s so soft, and almost longing? I really liked it, have you written lyrics for it yet?” Jeongguk nodded. “You know, if you’re really looking for someone else's vocals maybe Taehyung oppa will be willing to sing for you.” She glanced at her brother who was still rather quiet before looking at him with a knowing expression.

He blinked at that. Not only realizing that he hadn’t known Vantae’s name (Taehyung) until Areum mentioned it, but also realizing that in some way, unknowingly, Areum was helping him get the vocals he had been looking for in the first place. “I…”

“What do you think, oppa?” Areum asked, nudging her brother softly.

“I…” Taehyung laughed softly, almost incredulously. “You really made that?” He asked Jeongguk.

It made him bite his lip, the dark emerald of his tone, the incredulity that echoed in it. Had Taehyung, maybe, not liked the song?

Jeongguk nodded softly, “did you not like it?” He voiced lightly.

“Like it?” Taehyung asked, he shook his head. “That was amazing, it was so beautiful. It gave me this image, of reaching upwards towards the sun and yet being unable to grab it? I don’t know, I’m talking nonsense, but it was… You’re really good at this.”

Areum laughed at Jeongguk’s flabbergasted expression. “So, would you lend your vocals for this song?”

“What?” Taehyung asked, looking at his sister before returning his gaze to Jeongguk. “You’d like me to sing for this? Are you sure?”

YES!

Jeongguk wanted to scream that he’s been trying to find a way to speak to him about wanting his vocals after listening to his Fix You cover for almost a week. That Areum (a damn angel from actual Heaven, bless her) had unknowingly helped him not only meet Taehyung but also show him his music and consider to feature for Jeongguk.

But Jeongguk was shy, and a whole lot overwhelmed, so instead he said, “Sure, I don’t see why not.”

“Are you sure? I don’t know if my voice could fit this, but we can work together someday and see? And if you don’t like it then that’s fine.”

Jeongguk nodded, “I’m sure, I’d like to see how it turns out as well.”

Taehyung nods at that, “I really liked your song. I.. don’t actually know how to explain it to you but it’s really beautiful. I’m really honored you’re even considering me without even having heard me sing.”

The devilish smirk on Areum’s face was not of help.

“I… I have heard you sing…” Jeongguk admitted. Areum let out a soft laugh at that.

“You have?” Taehyung asked, emerald twinkling against his indigo curiously.

“I didn’t know at first, but I recognized your voice from YouTube.” Jeongguk admitted softly, hoping, once again, that the earth would swallow him whole. Unable to meet Taehyung’s wide eyes.

“Really?” Taehyung asked, looking almost touched by the admittance. “No one ever recognized me, I didn’t think my voice would be remarkable enough for someone to be able to recognize it like that.”

At that Jeongguk smiled. It was the colors after all, no one has such a pretty indigo and twinkling emerald. Jeongguk thought that no matter where he saw it, he would recognize the shade of Taehyung’s voice anywhere. His colors were beautiful, and Jeongguk had an inkling they just reflected the type of person Taehyung was. He doesn't say all of that though, instead, he managed to meet the other’s eyes and say:

“It’s more remarkable than you could imagine, Taehyung-ssi.”

Taehyung beamed.

The tapping of his finger on the surface of the desk produced a soft brown wave of sound. It was consistent and calculated, tap, tap, tap , wave, wave, wave . It was monotonous and boring, but for some reason it distracted Jeongguk from the racing of his heart and the endless possible ways he could embarrass himself in front of the one person he couldn't afford to see him embarrass himself (not again, at least).

Managing to get Taehyung to sing for his song seemed like his greatest accomplishment two days ago when (with the help of Areum) the older agreed to sing for him. However, once he had processed that though his plan had failed, he had somehow managed to accomplish its purpose all the same. Once he had fully processed that Taehyung would, in fact, be singing for the track he had produced. Once he processed that that meant he was going to have to see Taehyung, only the two of them, alone together in a room, for the time that it would take them to record the vocals. Once Jeongguk finally processed those little details he realized he was probably way in over his head.

They had been texting after exchanging numbers before parting ways that time, yet it was so surreal to Jeongguk, he hadn't actually wrapped his mind around who he was texting.

He had been listening to the older's voice for months in order to fall asleep, found his voice so warm and soothing that listening to him sing and talk would immediately make him relax. The other's voice had such alluring profundity to it, such twinkling marvel to it that Jeongguk couldn't describe it as anything other than art.

Jeongguk was sure that he had developed a tiny, little crush on the other even before he met him. Jeongguk had fallen in love with his voice, and therefore the owner of the rich colors it hid. Meeting Taehyung only proved to him the kind of person he was, the kindness with which he acted and the sweetness with which he spoke. That (and the fact the older's face was the epitome of delicacy and beauty) did not help Jeongguk's crush with the once faceless person he listened to in order to rest.

So when Jeongguk realized he would be working alone, listening to the voice he loved and watching Taehyung dance along to the artwork of his soul, he could feel nothing but nervousness and the impending sense of doom approaching.

Taehyung should be arriving any second now.

So Jeongguk kept tapping the desk of the studio mindlessly in order not to freak out. He kept tapping and producing those brown spots to refrain from picking up his phone and sending a text to the older, cancelling their recording session. The piece of paper where he had printed the lyrics he had poured his heart and soul into laid uselessly beside the computer keyboard, laughing at him.

Maybe he should really cancel. He had been way over his head, he should just sing it himself.

Before he could make up his mind and pick up his phone to text Taehyung there was a knock on the door. Jeongguk froze, finger suspended an inch away from the desk as he stopped his tapping on the dark surface. He stayed there, quiet, waiting for something to happen. Silence was suspended in the room, his breath stuck in his throat.

There was knocking again, a little louder than the previous one.

Too late to cancel now. Jeongguk stood and went to open the door, heart hammering a cavity into his ribcage as the door opened and revealed Taehyung. A big, boxy smile spread over his face at the sight of Jeongguk, dark locks pulled backwards with a headband, looking more handsome than he should in a pair of sweats and a hoodie.

His eyes shone as brightly as his smile as he raised his arm and showed Jeongguk the travel cups from Vanilla and Cinnamon he had been carrying with him. "I brought coffee." Taehyung told him in lieu of greeting. "Caramel macchiato for you and a vanilla latte for me."

"Oh," Jeongguk voiced, ignoring the way his ears burned at the gesture. "Thank you, Taehyung-ssi. And thank you for coming."

"Taehyung- ssi , come on, Jeongguk-ah, we're past those formalities. You can call me hyung." Taehyung said with a light laugh. Jeongguk hadn't realized how much denser and intense the indigo of Taehyung's voice was in person. How much brighter his emerald shone.

"Sorry. Thank you for coming, hyung."

Taehyung let out a laugh. "Of course, Jeongguk. Now are you gonna let me in, or should I record from outside the studio?"

Jeongguk felt his cheeks heat up, making him look down and step aside to allow the older inside. Taehyung chuckled lightly as he entered, allowing Jeongguk to close the door softly behind him before looking around at the studio. He placed the coffee cups on the desk and gave him what Jeongguk assumed was his caramel macchiato. "Thank you."

"This place is well equipped, I'm actually impressed." Taehyung said, looking around the room with wide eyes. Going over the recording booth and then the desktop computer Jeongguk was more than familiar with. "Do you spend a lot of time here?"

He nodded softly, "I do. Umm, I don't really like spending that much time at my place so I usually come here to work on my music. I think I've spent more time here than in my apartment since school started."

The older nodded, entering the recording booth and looking over the equipment with curious eyes. "You're very passionate about your music, that's very admirable Jeongguk."

"Yeah," Jeongguk agreed silently, taking a sip of his macchiato and reveling in the sweet warmth the beverage brought him. "I don't know, every time I listen or work on music is like my heart settles and I can breathe."

"I understand, it's like, uhh," Taehyung paused, thinking. "Like your safe place?"

Jeongguk nodded eagerly, feeling more at ease because of the warmth of the beverage and the light small talk he and Taehyung had going on. He let himself take a seat on the chair by the desk. "Yeah, just like that. Everything could feel wrong but when my hands are on the piano or strumming on my guitar or working on producing a song, all of those things that felt terrible suddenly disappear."

It was sweet, the way Taehyung smiled at those words. It was sweet, the way he looked at Jeongguk with fondness and care, too much for it being only their second official meeting. It was sweet; Jeongguk couldn't help the light dusting of his cheeks.

Taehyung grabbed his latte and slumped down on the bright pink pouf on the corner of the studio. "So, uhh, what about you?" Jeongguk tried, not wanting to be enveloped in silence and wanting to know more about the older, wanting to keep Taehyung talking. "What are you studying?"

"English." Taehyung told him. "English and Education. I want to be an English teacher."

He tilted his head at that, considering the older. Jeongguk could see it, could see the older standing in front of class filled with teenagers or children, teaching them English. Could see him capture the attention of all of his students with an unraveling blanket colored with the deepness of the ocean. "I can see it, do you like reading a lot?"

The nod was immediate, "as much as I like music. And I just, really enjoy learning new languages and all the culture that surrounds it, you know? It's so interesting."

"It's cool you get to do something you enjoy, as well." Jeongguk said kindly, teeth peeking as his lips extended into a smile.

The older stared at him silently, eyes wide. Jeongguk almost thought there was a pinkish tint to his tan skin, but that was probably his mind making things up. There was sudden silence in the room, neither of them speaking a word as Taehyung simply just looked at him as Jeongguk's smile slowly just became an upwards turn of his lips.

Taehyung blinked a few times before clearing his throat, trying to disperse the slightly awkward air that suddenly enveloped them. "So, the song, is it okay if I see the lyrics? You never showed them to me..."

"Oh! Yeah! Here you go." Jeongguk was quick to pass over the sheet with the lyrics to Taehyung, watching as the older immediately sat up straighter to read over them.

"They're in Japanese." Taehyung noted curiously.

Jeongguk nodded. "Yeah, I hope that's not a problem?"

"It's fine, I think the language fits the music quite well." Taehyung told him, glancing at him for a second before turning back to the lyrics. He was silent as he read, brows furrowing every now and then as he went over them carefully.

The lyrics were something he had carved out of his chest with a silver dagger. Little by little the words had come about, translating into ink over the brownish paper of his overused writing journal. In his mind, the ink was scarlet, the color of fresh blood as he spoke of a person he cannot forget but has to let go. As he spoke of their memory, vivid in his mind's eye yet such a far gone reality.

Jeongguk wasn't sure what inspired the lyrics, but he was certain he had written out the shrieks that echoed in his heart. Those that he had been adamant on muting, but were too loud to properly silence. He had shred a part of his soul and used it as thread to create the track, pouring his blood over into his lyrics.

If Jeongguk was certain of one thing, it was that Taehyung's voice would work perfectly with it, so long as he felt what Jeongguk had written and poured as much effort into his singing as Jeongguk had done for the entire song. For some reason, Jeongguk believed Taehyung would be able to, even if they hadn't known each other for long, Jeongguk trusted him.

There was a deep exhale, making Jeongguk look over to where Taehyung was reading the lyrics sitting in the pink pouf of the studio. "Jeongguk, I..." Taehyung looked at him with watery eyes before looking back down at the lyrics. "These are beautiful, I..." He brought up a hand to rub lightly at the back of his neck before shaking his head a little incredulously. "I love these." The blue indigo was the most intense Jeongguk had yet to see, the emerald mixing deeply with it. Bright with honesty. "I love these lyrics, they are absolutely breathtaking. I'd be honored to sing them for you, but they feel really personal. Are you sure you're okay with me singing them?"

He could do nothing but smile. The lyrics were personal to Jeongguk, the fact that Taehyung could tell just from reading them once and listening to the track two days ago was enough for him.

"I'm sure, hyung." Jeongguk nodded, feeling more confident and sure of himself than he had done in a while. He decided to be honest. "I... I really like your voice, it's... It's blue ." Taehyung furrowed his brows in confusion and Jeongguk heaved a short sigh. He continued, "It's blue , hyung. And the track is golden and purple and silver , and it shines like metal does! And there's a pink, rosy hue to it that's just so pretty, but it's missing something and I don't think my vocals are enough to complete the painting I'm trying to make." Taehyung's eyes were alight with something Jeongguk couldn't place, brows still furrowed in bewilderment. He continued, because even if Jeongguk was shy he needed to make Taehyung understand why he wanted him. "But your voice? Hyung, your voice is strong like the waves of the ocean, indigo blue like the depth of its waters and so, so intense. It brightens and sparkles with emerald hues that get brighter the happier and more confident you are and sombers in your confusion and insecurity.

"My song shines bright as gold, but it needs the depth of the ocean for its message to be fully conveyed." Jeongguk finished, a little agitated now that he was done talking. He took a few, shaky breaths. " Please , sing for me."

Taehyung could only stare, blinking rapidly at the words Jeongguk had just spoken, what they meant. It baffled him a lot, but he could not deny the sincerity in them. The truth they held, even if he could not yet understand them.

What Taehyung could understand, however, was the feelings and emotions behind those words, behind the lyrics and the music. So he could not deny the boy that showed him the chorus of his soul and told him to sing along to it. He wouldn't.

So he just nodded, "I'll sing for you." He told him, meeting Jeongguk’s eyes with an unknown intensity. “So long as you sing it with me.”

His eyes were wide when Jeongguk finished singing his part.

They were wide, round and swimming in emotion; watery and glittery with tears. Taehyung was looking at him as if Jeongguk had just performed marvelous magic before him. As if all the answers to the wonders of the universe had been held by the timbre of Jeongguk's voice, as if the sweetness and power of his tone would be the ultimate solution to every issue there was.

Jeongguk took off his head set and waited for Taehyung to say something, chewing softly on his lower lip as the older seemed to be staring through his flesh and right into his heart. He left the recording booth and as he closed the door behind him the spell seemed to break and Taehyung blinked.

"So..." Jeongguk tried, waiting for Taehyung to say something.

He watched with bated breath as Taehyung seemed to look at him up and down, seeming to be seeing Jeongguk again after years apart. The older boy let out a deep sigh, and his mouth stretched into a wide grin. "You continue to astound me."

"Is that bad?" Jeongguk asked worriedly.

Taehyung shook his head. "No, it's not bad. You have a very captivating voice, Jeongguk-ah." The emerald shone bright against the stark indigo and Jeongguk's heart hollered.

"Oh," Jeongguk said, a light blush coloring his cheeks at the compliment. "Thank you." He went ahead to check on the recording, glancing swiftly at the time in the top corner of the screen lazily, before his eyes snapped back at it again. "Shit, it's past midnight."

That caught Taehyung's attention who seemed to have been deep in thought, "is it?" He asked before taking his phone out of his pocket and checking the time. "Oh, shit. I didn't realize how much time has passed, Areum is worried sick." He said, scrolling through the text notifications Jeongguk guessed were Areum's before beginning to type a reply.

"I'm so sorry, hyung. I didn't mean to keep you for so long. I didn't even realize how much time had passed..." Jeongguk said, eyebrow creasing in slight worry.

"It's fine, Gguk-ah, it's not like you had me tied up in the recording booth." Taehyung laughed softly, "I'm more worried about the fact that it's been four hours and we haven't eaten. I'm starving. How about we go out and get something to eat?" The offer was simple, and genuine. It was half an hour past midnight and Taehyung had asked Jeongguk to go eat with him.

He blinked. "Hyung, it's past midnight."

Taehyung lifted his shoulders in a shrug, "so we'll have to get some convenience store ramen, the peak university experience if you ask me." He smiled, "come on, Jeongguk-ah, we'll have fun. Do you trust me?"

And Jeongguk couldn't explain why he did. He actually trusted Taehyung even if that was only their second meeting (he wasn't counting the first one). Couldn't explain how there was something about Taehyung that told him to let go of all his worries, forget life for a little while and succumb to the wonders of convenience store ramen at midnight. He couldn't explain how his heart both sang and beat faster at the notion of spending more time with Taehyung, at the notion of getting to see that wandering emerald glint and swirls against the stark indigo warmth of the older's voice for a few hours longer.

They hadn't yet finished recording the song, only just beginning to record both of their parts after having discussed their lines and the melody. Jeongguk had gotten lost in the color of Taehyung's voice more times than he would dignify to admit, trying not to stutter when the older's attention was focused solely on him.

Taehyung's presence was both calming and a little disruptive to his soul. What else would one expect? Jeongguk had settled into the soothing baritone of his voice, but when Taehyung's dark eyes sparkled with emotions Jeongguk couldn't decipher, when he looked at Jeongguk and saw him and his art with his big, dark eyes full of something Jeongguk was afraid to call awe; Jeongguk's heart would jump in his chest and pound against his ribs to be set free.

His heart pounded to the rhythm of Taehyung's name, it sang for deep ocean and forest green, and Jeongguk was afraid of what that could entail.

And because Jeongguk was weak and overwhelmed and he really, really, really , did not want to let his time with Taehyung end just yet. He said, "I do. I trust you." He didn't dwell on the fact he wasn't lying. "It's on me, though. I kept you up, and you already invited me to coffee twice."

"Can't really argue with that." Taehyung smiled, and Jeongguk realized that just like the sight of his voice, he would love to see Taehyung's smile more often. "Let's go then, before we starve to death and I leave Areum brotherless and you leave her friendless."

Jeongguk scoffed. "I'm pretty sure I'm not Areum's only friend."

"But I am her only brother, so let's not starve." Taehyung offered, picking up his wallet and keys before waiting for Jeongguk to finish saving everything and go.

Their walk to the closest convenience store was quiet in the most comforting of ways. If Jeongguk was being honest he wasn't really much of a talker. He is one to go on tangents about the topics he's passionate about, like music, but really, when Areum said that without her he'd be the pretty loner at the back of the class she meant it. Not because he couldn't make friends, but more because he was the type to simply be . Like Yoongi. When he hung out with his best friend (who was probably dying over his dissertation at the moment) the two of them communicated with gestures and grunts and simply existed together. Though he had to admit, Yoongi's night sky voice was one of his favorites.

The barely there softness of indigo caught his attention, realizing Taehyung was humming the melody to his song. It felt nice, having someone appreciate his craft so fully, so genuinely.

The only people that had ever shown such understanding to his music had been his aunt and Yoongi (Seokjin occasionally), but having someone that didn't necessarily know him so fully yet was nice. His parents had never payed him enough mind to listen to the tracks he produced, the only interest they'd ever had over Jeongguk's music was Jeongguk playing the piano when his parents had people over, or making him play when they had to organize a gala and wanted to brag about their prodigious son.

Jeongguk never really minded doing that for them, for his parents, at least it used to remind him they hadn't forgotten about him. Not completely.

"You know," Taehyung said once the two of them had settled inside one of the small tables inside the convenience store, stomach full and warm. "Areum often spoke about you, so I knew a fair bit about you before I actually met you." He smiled.

"She did?" Jeongguk was actually surprised. He couldn't imagine Areum of all people (social butterfly, known for her explosive personality and bold attitude) talking about Jeongguk. He wasn't anything extremely remarkable, or outstanding in the university scene, though you could find him in a party, he was most likely surrounded by a close group of friends (and by that he meant Yugyeom). He wasn't loud, didn't have a shiny personality or anything that would make him stand out in a crowd. He couldn't think what would be interesting enough about him for Areum to speak about him to her brother of all people.

Taehyung nodded, "I know she seems loud at times, but really she's just a girl that likes the intricacies of the law system and watching shitty rom coms in her free time." He shrugged, "I wondered what about you was so interesting that she always arrived at lunch saying a joke you told her or a rather witty statement you made. I think I was a little jealous at some point, I don't even know why."

"You were jealous of me?" Jeongguk asked, aghast, almost horrified that someone like Taehyung would feel jealous. Of Jeongguk of all people.

Taehyung looked down at his hands shyly, a sheepish little pull of his lips when he shrugged slightly. "She admires you a lot. I thought you were taking my place as her role model, you know." Taehyung laughed softly, "When I met you the other day, when I got to properly speak to you and when I listened to your song I understood why she admires you so much."

Jeongguk wasn't sure why Taehyung was telling him all of this. Maybe it was the late hour, it was already a little bit past one in the morning. Maybe it was the long hours they spent together bonding over music. Maybe Taehyung always wore his heart on his sleeve. Maybe it was all of them.

"At first glance you're this really shy boy with big doe eyes, you're pretty but you're not loud." Taehyung didn't meet his eyes as he spoke, a rosy pink coloring the tan skin of his cheeks. The emerald of his voice was a little subdued, though it was bright in its presence. "But then you speak about your music and your doe eyes light up with a million galaxies and you smile so wide you look like a bunny." When he chuckled Jeongguk realized Taehyung hadn't met his eyes because he was feeling shy.

"And then I heard your song and I felt a longing in my soul so powerful it was almost painful." He shook his head. "You're quiet and shy but the music you make is full of feeling and brightness, your lyrics are deep and emotional and meaningful. It took me only listening to your song and reading your lyrics and hearing you sing . It wasn't much but it was powerful and I think it made me fall a little bit in love with you."

And with the admittance Jeongguk's world stopped, he didn't know what to say. What is he supposed to say to something like that? What does he tell a boy that just said maybe he was falling for him?

How does he tell that very same boy that maybe he was falling for him too?

Taehyung looked at him and smiled, eyes kind and shiny and warm. And Jeongguk's breath caught because how was this stunning, beautiful boy with a heart made of gold and a voice made of warmth looking at Jeongguk with such awe.

"You're enchanting, Jeongguk."

"Hyung..." He tried.

"No." Taehyung shook his head and stood up, offering Jeongguk his hand. "Please, don't say anything. Don't think, even. Let's just go for a walk."

And Jeongguk could do nothing but grab Taehyung's hand that was so, so warm and let the older pull him out of the convenience store. And neither said anything, neither addressed the words that had been spoken. But Jeongguk didn't pull his hand away from Taehyung's, the older's hand was big and his fingers slender and its warmth was a nice contrast to Jeongguk's cold one, and that was enough for Taehyung to keep going. Neither addressed anything, but when Taehyung tried to pull away in case he was making Jeongguk uncomfortable, the younger simply held on to his hand tighter.

They didn't say anything, it was too early to say anything. Instead, they strolled the empty streets of Seoul hand in hand, huddling closer together to fight the chilly cold that seeped through even the heavy fabrics of their hoodies. They strolled slowly, and though the air they breathed was chilly, their hearts were warm. And even if they didn't speak a word and simply looked up at the dark sky that was starless due to the light pollution of the city, the light brightness of content surrounded them both.

Perhaps they hadn't known each other for long, but they had seen each other's soul. Maybe it was too early and reckless to call this love, but Jeongguk wouldn't mind it if that was what it was. Or what it would become.

He didn't realize when they had walked to the Han River, but it was practically empty if not for a couple a few ways away. And the lights of the city reflected so beautifully against the stark water, lights twinkling and bright and decorating the river with a picture akin to that of a million stars. And for once there were no overwhelming thoughts in his brain, there was no guilt that meant to swallow him whole, there was only the warmth of another's hand around his own and the chilly air of autumn nights.

Jeongguk took a deep breath and smiled.

"There's colors in sounds." Jeongguk stated, breaking the long, comfortable silence they had been enveloped in. Taehyung's soft gaze fell on him. Jeongguk felt warm. "Or at least, I see colors when I hear things. The wind blows silver and white. The rain falls with a heavy cerulean splatter. Car horns tend to be all shades of the most annoying yellow. My grandma's cat meows orange. And gunshots..." His voice broke a little at that. Jeongguk gulped heavily. "Gunshots bang a soul shattering white. It's as blinding as it is deafening."

The grip on his hand tightened a little, prompting, yet understanding. Jeongguk didn't turn to look at Taehyung, his gaze pasted to the glittering jewels of Seoul that reflected against the dark water.

"When I listen to music I see the most beautiful symphonies of color, paintings made out of sound. I hear rainbows and see dissonance." Jeongguk said, "The first time I heard your voice I saw the warmest indigo, and if I thought that was the prettiest shade of blue I had ever seen it'd be nothing against the twinkling emerald that highlighted your tone." He could feel Taehyung's eyes on him, but for once it didn't make him nervous. It only made him smile. "I think I fell a little bit in love with the shades of your voice back then, and so I kept listening to your videos, to your voice, and falling asleep to the depth of the ocean."

Jeongguk laughed a little, then. "Do you remember the first time I went to the cafe?" He dared to look at Taehyung, meeting his dark eyes confidently and reveling in the warmth they held. He wasn't sure what time it was, and he had class early the next day but he didn't care. Taehyung nodded. "I recognized you the moment you spoke. I mean, how could I not when your voice was the only thing that calmed my mind? I would recognize that shade of blue and that contrasting green absolutely anywhere."

Jeongguk wasn't bothered by the silence that fell over them then, aware that the older would need some time to process Jeongguk's own confession. So he just turned back to the river and focused on the colors the nighttime city life painted his vision with. There was silver and white, and yellow and blue and pink. And Jeongguk was taken by something as simple as sound, he never paid much attention to the color of things but when he did? When he cleared his head and focused on taking in the beautiful elements that made his surroundings?

When you're used to seeing the same things everyday you never bother noticing the uniqueness they hold.

And sometimes looking out the window and realizing the sky was blue and the sun was shining and the birds sang amber is humbling enough to close your eyes and breathe in the moment. It had been a while since Jeongguk let himself feel his surroundings like this. Maybe even years.

There was a warm body beside him, the air was chilly and roared silver, car tires against pavement screeched gray. Crickets chirped pinkish red. He was cold and warm all at the same time, his heart was settled and his soul was dancing.

Jeongguk hadn't felt so conscious of himself in years. And maybe it would all go away once he went back to his apartment and realized that he was alone again, maybe thoughts would race through his mind when the silence and the void of color overwhelmed him, maybe guilt would chew through his organs when he was seconds away from falling asleep.

It didn't matter, because right at that second Jeongguk was by the Han River, holding the hand of the beautiful, kind boy that sang in blue. That was all that mattered at the moment. Nothing else.

"Jeongguk-ah, can I kiss you?" The indigo was overwhelming when it flooded through all of the previous colors. It had been tentative at first, but soon crashed with the strength of ocean waves. When he looked at Taehyung, the older was looking at him hopefully. "I know it might be too early for that, but may I kiss you?"

He didn't nod, he didn't say yes. He just crashed his lips against Taehyung's and let the other’s warm, soft lips move against his slightly chapped ones. And they were tentative at first, despite Jeongguk's bold move, they moved carefully against each other pressing lightly at first before moving closer and more confident of each other. And Jeongguk bit Taehyung's lower lip and the older responded with a sweep of his tongue that had Jeongguk moaning lowly into the kiss.

Taehyung let go of Jeongguk's hand and cupped the younger's face in his palms like he was the most precious jewel in the city. Jeongguk wrapped his arms around the older and brought him closer, so close they were chest to chest and kissing each other breathless. And when Taehyung moaned when Jeongguk bit his lip again softly, Jeongguk saw the rawest shade of emerald dancing behind his eyelids.

So he pulled the other incredibly closer and felt him shudder under his touch, letting out a moan. And Taehyung didn't stop holding him like he was the most precious treasure despite his evident arousal, he just kept kissing him like he meant it and Jeongguk believed him because he had no reason not to.

Because Taehyung wore his heart in his sleeve and spoke his colors into the world as if he was endless. Because Jeongguk was there to listen and watch the way the deep strokes of his voice colored his surroundings in the warmest, most beautiful colors. Because Jeongguk threaded his soul into his music and poured his heart into his lyrics. Because Taehyung was there to sing along to the colorful symphony of Jeongguk's existence.

And maybe there was a lot to learn about each other, a lot to see and a lot to experience. Maybe there were more shades of indigo and emerald Jeongguk was yet to see; and there was a lot of darkness and insecurity and sadness in Jeongguk's soul Taehyung had yet to hear.

But they were kissing and the air was chilly and silver, and the crickets chirped pink, and the car tires screeched dark gray.

And Jeongguk saw painted the most beautiful symphony in the sound of Taehyung's moans and the feel of his soft lips against his chapped ones. And the kiss was full of want and care and lust; but it was sweet with the taste of possibility.