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After the lawsuit, it took almost a year for things to almost start to feel normal, and then the pandemic hit, which made everything busy. It wasn’t until mid-fall of 2021 when things started calming down again. So it had taken a while for Athena Grant to notice that Evan “Buck” Buckley was acting odd. He was physically present at all gatherings and he approached firefighting with the usual enthusiasm, but he was quieter and more hesitant. It wasn’t until around Christmas that Athena knew something was wrong, though she didn’t know what just yet.
“Buckaroo?” she called. She’d been surprised when she’d been told she had a visitor, but even more surprised when she saw her husband’s junior firefighter in the lobby.
“Hey, ‘Thena,” Buck greeted with a smile that didn’t quite meet his eyes. Like all his smiles did lately.
“What are you doing here?” she inquired.
He handed over a white paper bag. “Christmas Gifts for the kids at your house. I wanted to drop them off.”
Athena fought the frown. She’d not been ignorant of the space between Bobby and Buck. But she supposed that it might have been awkward giving them to Bobby in front of other firefighters. “Thank you, Buckaroo. You didn’t have to do that, you know. You could have dropped them off during the Christmas party.”
“Ah,” Buck said awkwardly. “I can’t make it. I’ve had non-refundable concert tickets since lockdown ended and it’s for that night.”
Markham walked in at that moment. “Sergeant Grant,” he murmured. “Oh! Buck! How’s things going over at the 118?”
“Oh, they’re going well. How’s everything for you?”
“Oh, well, you know how it is.” Markham said. He suddenly seemed to notice his faux pax. “I’m sorry. You’re in the middle of a conversation. Buck, I’ll call you later.”
Markham walked away and Athena gave Buck a look. “How do you know Markham?” she asked.
“Oh, you know, just around,” Buck dismissed. “I should go though. I’ve got a few other errands to run before my shift.
Athena’s frown deepened as she watched Buck leave. Mitch Markham was a white collar detective and it niggled at Athena that they seemed so familiar with each other. She managed to find the detective’s desk. “Markham,” she said softly. “How do you know Evan Buckley?”
Markham looked uncomfortable. “We’ve been friends for a long time,” he said finally. Athena’s brows drew together, not following. Markham looked further uncomfortable. “Look, I don’t really feel comfortable talking about this behind his back."
“Okay, thanks, Markham,” Athena said, and returned to her own desk.
Following her gut, she impulsively looked Buck’s name up in the system. She was a little shocked to find Buck’s name listed as a material witness in a case against Chase Mackey for extortion, illegally obtaining evidence, and grand theft. There was also a link to a pending sensitive case that Athena didn’t have access to.
The next hint Athena received of what was going on was at the Grant-Nash Christmas party. Athena knew that Buck had plans, but she was a little stunned that no one asked after him, except all the kids. “Where’s Buck?” Harry asked, looking disappointed.”
“He had plans,” Bobby explained.
“That’s what you said last year,” Denny pouted. “We never get to see him any more. Nia hasn’t met him at all .”
“It’s complicated,” Hen said hesitantly.
“Adults always say that when they mess up and they don’t want to admit it,” May objected, crossing her arms. “You can tell them or I can.”
“You know about this?”
“I know Bobby lied to Buck so he was forced to take a lower paying job when everyone else including his doctors signed off on him being at the firehouse,” May said. “I know that he was almost homeless before the suit because of it and having to pay his medical bills.”
“How do you know that, baby girl?” Athena inquired.
“Because unlike the rest of you, I know the meaning of family means listening even when you’re upset at the person. I asked him why he filed the suit. He talked about how, at first, he felt replaced by Bosko and how no one was really talking to him except us kids and how he felt abandoned by his family for the second time in his life. And then he told me that he was about to be evicted and how his medical bills had eaten up his savings. He managed to get out of his lease a couple months ago, though I’m not sure where he lives now.”
“He told Mackey about Shannon. I had to talk about her in front of total strangers!” Eddie grumbled, obviously still bitter.
“Buck said he didn’t tell Mackey anything more than the fact that you weren’t required to take any leave after your wife died.” May asked. “He said he told Mackey not to use it because it wasn’t as strong as Chimney, who was still on medication both times he returned. He was as surprised as you were that Mackey even knew Shannon’s name, and not for nothing, but you’re kind of proving Buck’s point with the fact that you’re still mad at that. It’s not like he didn’t know worse that he didn’t mention. Like the stuff between you and Bosko and the fight club or the stuff with Bobby seeing Buck as his son. Besides which, Bobby was discriminating against Buck by not allowing him to work but letting everyone else come back.”
“This isn’t up for discussion,” Bobby said. “We all did and said things we regret. We’re all passed it.”
“Are you?” May asked. “If you were, Buck would be here.”
“She’s right,” Maddie said. “I don’t agree with what he did, and I understand why you were mad and upset, but if everything were back to normal, Buck would be here.”
“Wait, how do you know about all that stuff about me and Bosko?” Eddie asked.
“What, you think when you guys stopped talking to Buck after Eddie’s graduation we did too?” May asked. “Carla talked to us and we put it together and told Buck. Or did you forget that she was his friend first and he got you connected to her so she could help you with Chris’ paperwork. Really, if anyone deserved to be mad, it’s Buck after you all ignored him all summer then replaced him.”
“We still invited him out lots of times,” Chim objected.
“Except he hurled three times and almost passed out during Eddie’s graduation,” Denny revealed. “He was hurting a lot but wanted to be there for you. May explained it to us, because we wanted him to come over that summer but he wasn't feeling good so we sent him cards or texted or May drove us over. He really missed you guys back then.”
“Think about it, Bobby. Did you ever once apologize to Buck for lying to him? For keeping him out of work for your own personal reasons and not professional ones?”
That night, Bobby and Athena have a more in-depth talk and Athena voices her suspicion that the suit against the department was a sting that the LAPD was involved in. Bobby promises to both ask Buck about it and about why he hadn’t come to dinner. Athena would be lying if she wasn’t waiting by the door after Bobby’s shift.
Bobby was pale when he came in. “What is it? What did he say?” Athena demanded.
“He nearly took my head off. Hen had to hold him back. He told me we couldn’t tell him that we weren’t a family and then say we were whenever it suited us and that what he did in his personal life wasn’t our business. He also said he was putting in for a transfer to another house and not to talk to him unless it was for a professional reason.”
Athena shook her head. “I’m fixing this. Now.” She got her mask on and made her way to Buck’s updated address according to the DMV and knocked on the door.
Buck was confused until he spotted her, then he looked sternly at her. “‘Thena, you shouldn’t be here. I already told Bobby that I'll keep things professional, but I’m not interested in anything personal.”
“Can I come in?” Athena asked, looking at the house. It was far from the firehouse, but the house was pretty great.
Buck sighed and allowed her in. “Can I get you anything to drink?” he asked.
“No, I’m fine. I’m just… trying to figure out the full picture.”
“So now you want the full picture?” Buck asked bitingly.
Athena winced. “I deserve that. I know about the case against Mackey. Why didn’t you tell anyone?”
“Because I would have sued the department anyway,” Buck vollied. “Bobby was wrong. He had no legal or rational reason to keep me from my job. He was acting emotionally. Which is fine for my friends but not for my boss.”
“He didn’t think you were ready.”
“Again, that wasn’t his place as my boss .” He sighed. “When I was a screw up. When I was first on the job, Bobby told me the House wasn’t a family. And I get he was in a bad place and eventually he calmed down and a family formed, but he told me the same thing after I came back to the 118 after the case. And I might not be experienced in the family department, but even I know that if someone tells you something repeatedly, they mean it.” He sighed. “The team, from what I can tell, stopped having my back around the time Bobby lied to me and I have no faith that they ever will again. I have no faith that Bobby won’t lie again the next time it’s useful for him. I have no faith that he won’t tell me the 118 isn’t a family the next time I do something he doesn’t agree with.”
“We were all having a rough time, Buckaroo,” Athena argued.
“ You are having a rough time? YOU?! ” Buck cried out in rage, an emotion she’d never heard from him before. Athena reared back in shock. “This, right here, is the problem . During that year, I had three near-death experiences. My girlfriend ditched me after a ladder truck crushed my leg. Only a year, mind you, after Abby ghosted me. And everyone else in my life decided my future for me and insisted that I shouldn’t be a firefighter any more. I proved them wrong. I requalified and I broke records doing it. I went through the therapy the department asked for and then some. And then it turns out that the one person I thought was reliable was lying to me and defying my legal right to work. I wasn’t on Disability any more, so I wasn’t being paid at all. But no one cares about that. No one cares about the betrayals that I was feeling because Eddie wouldn’t let me see Chris even though I was having nightmares that Chris was dying every night and I couldn’t get to him. No one cared about the flashbacks I had of drowning in my own blood every time I had a coughing fit. I had to face all of that alone. Not one of you was on my side, including Maddie. Everyone just cared about what they went through. I was told I was exhausting. I was told that I should just suck it up. To get over it.” Buck took a breath and started counting his breaths to try to calm down.
“I’m not family any more,” Buck finally concluded, unable to look at Athena. “Everyone’s already made their choices. I’ve been hurting for a long time. Please don’t make this more painful than it already is for me at the eleventh hour.” He went to the door and opened it. Athena stared at him, looking heartbroken for a long time, then moved to exit. “And Athena, if you tell anyone where I live… I’ll complain to your lieutenant.”
Athena put a hand gently on Buck’s shoulder and rubbed her thumb against the curve of his bicep. “I won’t,” she said. “You have my word. I know it’s not worth much, but I’m sorry for my part in it.”
Buck stared for a moment, then finally nodded stiffly before closing the door.
————-
Athena was dumbfounded. She’d always thought that Buck was the easiest to read, but this last conversation revealed to her that she’d been wrong. Buck’s read-ability was a facade. In truth, the well of his pain was so deep Athena wasn’t sure she could see the bottom.
She also now saw a deep-seeded mistrust that had her reevaluating the first times she’d ever met Buck. She’d thought him young and foolish but someone who cared deeply. Now she was realizing that Buck had never had anyone who he could rely on, who’d choose him first, which said a lot about his childhood. She thought about Buck’s recent behavior and realized his reaction made sense. Self-reliant, he tested every relationship he was in to see where the limits were for reasons Athena didn’t want to think about. The boy had slowly learned to trust the people around him at the 118, but when Bobby and subsequently the rest of the team, changed the terms of their relationship, Buck reverted to his distrustful state.
Returning home, Bobby looked over at her expectantly from his side of the bed. “We really screwed everything up,” Athena announced.
Bobby sat up. “What do you mean?” he asked.
“Did you tell Buck that the 118 wasn’t a family?” Athena inquired without judgement.
Bobby looked ashamed. “I was hurt. He sued me. I wanted him to know… he screwed up the cohesion of the unit.”
“Did he?” Athena asked. “We’ve all been walking on eggshells around him since the bombing, dealing with our own feelings about it… then the embolism. He’s been blamed for things he had no control over. You replaced him with Bosko without even talking to him. He doesn’t have anyone else in his life except for us, so we ended up isolating him.”
Neither of them slept well that night. They tossed and turned, Bobby knowing the next morning Buck was planning on turning in his transfer paperwork and trying to figure out some way to talk the kid out of it. Buck, regardless of what Bobby tried to come up with, didn’t want to hear it.
“Buck? What are you doing?” Eddie asked, seeing the papers in Bobby’s hands, their Captain just standing there, wordlessly, in shock.
“What’s it look like? I’m transferring houses,” Buck said, organizing the bag of stuff from his locker. “I’m sure Bosko will transfer back to this house if you ask her.”
“What does Bosko have to do with anything?” Eddie asked. “What am I going to tell Chris? That you’re just giving up on us?”
“You can tell him whatever you want,” Buck grumbled, heading up to the loft. “You’ve been doing so for long enough.”
Eddie suddenly grabbed a rubber band that was around his wrist and started snapping it, glaring at Buck.
The whole shift was tense. And slow, unfortunately. When it was time to leave the next morning, Eddie was too mad to stop himself. “So that’s it then?” Eddie asked. “We’re so close to forgiving you and you do something like this again?”
“I DON’T FORGIVE YOU!” Buck roared. Everyone in the firehouse froze and stared at them. “Bobby BROKE THE LAW, and I got blamed. I sued just to get back to all of you, my legal right to do so, and I got blamed. I turned down four million dollars and I was isolated, belittled, bullied, and assaulted, and I got blamed. Bobby broke the law again by retaliating against my actions, AND I GOT BLAMED. Even my own sister sided with you guys. None of you are sorry for any of it. Really I figured everyone would be happy that I was leaving, but most of all you .” he pointed a finger at Eddie. “I’m exhausting , after all. You won’t have to remind me to suck it up any more because I’m obviously not your problem or your friend anymore. I thought you had my back, but what was I to you that last month, other than someone you could drop Chris off with because I’d never say no to him? Then you took him away from me after the tsunami. Even though I was dreaming of losing him every night. You’re so stuck up your own butt that I got blamed for the bombing, the embolism, and a freaking natural disaster .
“You guys are halfway out the door anyway, so I figured you’d all leave me behind eventually. Everyone always does. My parents. Maddie. Abby. Ali. So maybe this time, I’ll leave first. I really should have taken the hint and left the second I found out Bobby lied. Maybe even sooner. Maybe I should have left after Bobby slammed me into a wall for being a little curious and no one did or said anything about it. Maybe I thought you guys thought enough of me that you’d at least ask me what happened. My side. But I guess I’m so worthless that not even the man I love can see what’s two inches in front of him. Hey Eddie? Go fuck yourself.” And with that Buck left the 118. Everyone was paralyzed in shock for a full 30 seconds. Then Hen tried to chase after him, but came back a minute later looking dejected.
“I couldn’t catch up to him,” Hen revealed she turned to Bobby. “Was it true, what Buck said? That you lied to him?”
“I… I wasn’t lying ,” Bobby objected. “I was trying to protect him. I knew how he’d take it if I told him that I didn’t want him back on the team so soon after the embolism. All of us would be distracted, worrying about him on the blood thinners. But I couldn’t tell Buck that because he’d be immature about it. So I just told him the part where the department agreed to not let him back to full duty.”
“That sounds a lot like lying to me,” Hen commented, raising an eyebrow.
Athena walked in, looking worried. “Where’s Buckaroo?”
“I wasn’t able to stop him,” Bobby said. “I figure we’ll let him cool off then invite him over to apologize to him.”
“Buck really lit into him,” Hen explained. “All of us, really. We’ve been horrible to him lately.”
“Did you tell them about the case?” the Sergeant queried.
“Case?” Eddie inquired.
“The case, or rather the settlement against Chase Mackey,” Athena explained. “Buck’s case against the LAFD was a sting operation to get to someone I’m not privy to, but Buck apparently was supposed to just explain that Bobby wasn’t letting him back even though he’d let others return and give non-specific answers. Mackey's been suspected of obtaining evidence illegally, so they needed a real client to see if suspicions were true.”
“So he didn’t tell his lawyer about us?” Chimney asked.
“Just surface level stuff, like May said,” Athena admitted.
“So the settlement wasn't real?" Eddie queried.
Athena shook her head, clarifying, "no, it was very real. The case had to be real for them to gather evidence on Mackey. One of the things they wanted to get him on was violating Attorney/Client privilege by talking about the stuff the client didn't want to talk about on the record."
“I just heard about this yesterday," Bobby explained. "I was trying to get Buck to talk to me about it before I told you guys.”
“But… why didn’t he tell us that?” Eddie asked, realizing what had happened.
Athena shrugged. “According to him, he was going to sue anyway, because Bobby had him cornered, so he didn’t feel like he could use it as a legitimate defense.”
“How do we fix this,” Eddie asked, his voice cracking.
Athena gave Eddie a look. “Truthfully? I’m not sure we can.”