Archive of Our Own ^beta

Percy fidgeted with his hands, shuffled his feet, and then fidgeted once more. He ran a hand through his hair, mussing the already unruly black locks. Biting his lip, Percy absentmindedly considered going for a run before stopping that thought in its tracks. 

No, his nerves were far too high strung to be around too many people right now. It was best if he simply hid away in his room instead and just dealt with the remnants of his own anxiety away from others lest they begin asking questions he didn’t want to answer. Or rather, questions he wasn’t sure how to answer. 

It wasn’t like Percy even knew why he was acting as anxious as he was at the moment. There were no quests or monsters chomping at the bit to attack him. Just him and his own thoughts tormenting him in a swirl of anxiety.

Another wave of shame passed over him at the thought. Try as he might, Percy couldn’t ignore the voice of doubt telling him that a real hero would never have anxiety. 

They wouldn’t have nightmares replaying every scene of a friend gasping their last breath and watching the light fade out of their eyes. A real hero wouldn’t wake up with a past enemy’s name on their tongue, tears in their eyes, and visions of their sacrifice. 

No, a real hero would understand that bad guys are bad, and a single sacrifice couldn’t make up for the lives of hundreds of half bloods. Letting out a shaky breath, Percy dug his nails into the meat of his palms. He needed to get over himself, and he needed to do it now .

A knock at the door startled Percy out of his thoughts, and he instinctively grabbed for the pen hidden inside of his pocket. He let out another shaky exhale as he spotted the blonde lingering at the door. He couldn’t stop the immediate thought that heroes didn’t feel the need to grab their weapons and brandish them at something as simple as a knock.  Percy attempted to relax his clenched fists, internally winced at the pain resulting from the release, and raised a hand to give what he hoped was a careless wave to the woman watching.

“Calm down, Seaweed Brain. I’m sure whatever you’re thinking about can’t be that important.”

Annabeth smirked, but Percy could see the worry in her eyes. Percy put that worry there. Looks like his acting wasn’t as good as he thought. Percy lowered his hand as his forced smile became a guilty one.

“You caught me. I was just, you know, the usual stuff and things. Nothing to worry about!”

There was a moment of silence where the two simply watched each other. It was as though a silent conversation was being held, and yet Percy had no idea what his eyes were saying.

“Strip.”

Percy blinked. “Thanks, uh, Annabeth, but I’m really not in the mood for that right now to be honest.”

A look of confusion passed over Annabeth’s face before a bright red blush overtook her face. 

“Not like that! I just! Meet me in the bathroom, will you, Seaweed Brain?” And with that, she stomped away in the direction of the bathroom with her face still alight. A few moments later, Percy heard the sound of water running from behind the door. He blinked again and absentmindedly wondered what Annabeth’s plan was. Judging by the sounds reverberating in the room, Annabeth had either decided to start a bath or was just washing her hands for a surprisingly long time. 

Weird. 

Deciding the former was more likely at the moment, Percy began to take off his clothes. One by one, articles of clothing were dropped onto the floor into a small lump. Percy smiled to himself at the inevitable glower he would receive from Annabeth when she realized he had left his clothing on the ground instead of folding it neatly like she would have. 

As always, Percy removed his binder last. Although he hated the way his chest looked without the binder holding his chest back, he still appreciated the lack of restriction whenever it was removed. 

He stepped over his clothes and made his way towards the bathroom, which was now emitting a soft, salty smell. He took care to focus on Annabeth as he walked into the room and tried his best to ignore the mirror staring at him on the wall. While he had grown more comfortable with his body, Percy really did not want to poke that monster at the moment with how his thoughts were already dark and depressing.

Annabeth stood beside a bathtub filled to the brim with bubbles wiping her hands on a stray, blue towel. She looked at Percy and shrugged at his confused look.

“You seemed stressed, and you like water. I figured a nice bath would help.”

Percy could actually cry. He had the best girlfriend ever. A grin slipped onto his face as something soft passed across his features. “Thank you. Really. I appreciate it.”

Annabeth glanced away and swallowed, and Percy caught the hint of the tiniest smile fading away as she looked back. 

“Well yeah”, she said, shrugging again, “It’s either that or mess up whatever upset you, and I’m pretty sure you’ve got a handle on that.”

Percy laughed and shrugged back at her, deciding to let her shy fluster pass. “You’re not wrong there.”

There was a moment of silence, but it was more comforting than awkward. It was a silence born of understanding and peace that can only come from lovers who have been to hell and back with each other and no longer needed words to convey how they were feeling. All they needed was to see one another. Needless to say, Percy would live in that moment for forever if he could.

Annabeth raised an eyebrow at him. “As much as I enjoy the view, you might want to get in before the water gets cold.” She paused. “Although I suppose that wouldn’t be much of a problem for you, Seaweed Brain, but I did spend time on making sure it was nice.”

Percy jerked out of his reverie and walked towards the bathtub before slowly sinking it. A soft, unconscious sigh slid from his lips at the feel of the warm waters welcoming him into their depths. He closed his eyes as he sunk further down until only the top half of his face was above water. 

Annabeth, as usual, was right. 

The water, along with Annabeth being next to him was doing wonders to sooth his chaotic thoughts. They sat quietly together as the silence slowly returned. Percy could hear Annabeth shuffle behind him before her soft yet strong voice spoke.

“Can I… Are you okay if I touch you?”

Percy blinked and nodded slowly. Of course he was okay with Annabeth touching him! They were dating, so why wouldn’t he always want her touch? 

But then again… there was a small part of him that glowed at the question. There was something comforting about being asked instead of assuming. 

A moment later Percy felt calloused hands parse through his hair gently as though Annabeth was petting a stray, skittish cat instead of her own boyfriend. Short nails scratched at his head gently as they ran through his locks, pausing for a second only when passing over where Percy knew his gray streak was.

“Close your eyes. I’m about to pour water over your head, okay?”

Doing as he was told, Percy closed his eyes. True to her words, a cascade of water soon fell upon his head. A small trickle of it made his nose twitch. 

Percy heard the distinct clack of shampoo opening and absentmindedly wondered when Annabeth had found the time to dig through his things and find it. The items strewn across the floor were a side effect of his tendency to pick things up, get distracted by something or another, and then place them down without thinking, which led to him losing many a number of soap bars. 

Just the other day he had found an old toothbrush wedged between the wall and his bed frame, and he was still trying to remember how that happened.

The smell of rain wafted to Percy’s nose as Annabeth’s fingers made their way back into his hair. Huh. Percy had lost that bottle months ago, so it really was a wonder how Annabeth found it.

“Do you want to talk about it?”

Percy bit his lip and shuffled in the bathtub. Did he want to talk about it? It was a genuine question to himself that he wasn’t sure he could answer quite yet.

“You don’t have to tell me anything, Percy.” Annabeth murmured as she continued to rub the shampoo into his hair. “I just want you to know I’m here if you do.”

The comfortable atmosphere between them was ruined by a sharp pang of guilt. He should be able to tell Annabeth anything without having to think twice. They’d struggled through so many wins and losses together, trained friends and campers and sent them to their deaths, and even gone through Tartarus and managed to survive together. There was no need for Percy to keep his thoughts hidden and tucked away, and yet there was still this gnawing need to keep Annabeth out of the darkness swirling inside his head.

If he caused Annabeth to see him in the same light Percy saw himself, he didn’t think he could bear it. The thought of something darker and disgusted flickering through those beautiful, gray eyes broke his heart.

“I’m going to wash the shampoo out now.”

Percy nodded and closed his eyes, and soon more water was poured over his head. He could feel the water drip down the battle-worn plains of his body. The sound of another bottle opening and the smell of clean rivers reaching his nose told Percy that Annabeth had somehow found one of his conditioners. 

He opened his eyes once more and idly blew at a stray bubble floating in front of his face.

“You know, you’re not the only one who thinks too much.”, Annabeth said, “Sometimes it's all I can do to get away from my past.”

Percy tried to crane his head back to look at Annabeth, but strong yet gentle hands kept him facing forward. He blinked and hummed back an assent to the unspoken request to not face her and remained staring forward as fingers continued to massage his head. Chewing on his lip, Percy decided to quietly respond. 

“I know. I just… sometimes I don’t think I’m what everyone else thinks I am. Everyone says I’m a hero, but heroes… heroes don’t have nightmares. They don’t miss old enemies and mourn them. They don’t wake up screaming in the middle of the night and call their mom to make sure she’s not dead. They don’t constantly patrol, because they are afraid of missing the one time they are needed and let one more person die because of them.” He stared at the ripples in the water caused by his shaking legs as he forced the next words out. 

“Heroes don’t hate their bodies and refuse to look at mirrors just because they can’t stand the sight of looking wrong . And I just… I don’t know how to handle it sometimes, Annabeth. It's so hard pretending everything and everyone is okay when it really isn’t.”

It wasn’t until they were sitting in silence that Percy realized the water streaming down his face was coming from his eyes. The salty tang hit his lips as his nose began to run. He wiped his face as he forced a laugh out.

“Oh gods, don’t look at me. I look gross.”

Annabeth chuckled behind him, but it sounded wobbly as though she too was fighting back tears.

“You always look gross, Seaweed Brain. You’re just lucky I’m into your brand of gross.” She paused. “It's okay, you know. To feel that way that is.” 

Percy flinched at the feeling of a wet rag passing over his back. Another pang of guilt passed through him at Annabeth’s small ‘sorry’. His earlier thoughts returned in full force. 

A real hero wouldn’t-

“I feel that way too sometimes…” Annabeth’s voice trailed off and then came back stronger. 

“You never hear about heroes with problems. We only hear that they face all tribulations with grace and triumph over any monsters. It becomes difficult to detangle fact from fiction, and suddenly some older camper you grew up idolizing is looking at you differently and doesn’t think something could ever be wrong with you.” 

She stopped for a moment and stroked Percy’s hair. 

“But that way of thinking...it's wrong, Percy. We’ve fought wars, watched our friends and our foes die, been betrayed, and survived Tartarus together. You don’t go through those things and remain the same. I’m sorry, but it’s impossible.” 

Percy could feel her hands shake where they rested in his hair as her voice began to waver. 

“And you know what I’ve found through countless books, scrolls, and tombs? I’ve found that it's okay to feel that way, because you’re not alone. Yes, it sucks, and gods what I would give so that you never feel this way again, but try as I might I can’t take that pain away from you. You have your burdens to carry, and so do I. We just have to live with it and move on knowing that there is always a tomorrow that we can make brighter.”

Warm arms reached around his neck and curled to form a semi hug from behind him. 

Annabeth’s hair fell around him in a shroud to dip in the water, causing the waterlogged locks to cling to Percy’s skin, but she didn’t seem to care. Her nose dug into Percy’s wet hair as she grasped him tightly.

“Just know that I will always be here for you, Percy. No matter where we are or what we face, we’ll do it together, because you are never getting rid of me, Perseus Jackson. You got that?”

Percy sniffled and nodded. 

“The same goes for you, Annabeth. I’ll never let you go.”

He could feel her smile into his hair.

“Good.”