Chapter Text
Park Jimin should have known.
Taehyung had always told him he loved too recklessly, too blindly.
Hoseok constantly teased Jimin, insisting he had to be the one headlining all meetings with investors because his eyes shone with love for the craft whenever he started talking about dance and their studio.
One night after dinner as Jimin cuddled a drunk Namjoon on Seokjin’s couch, Namjoon mused whether Jimin had a young heart; one that hadn’t been jaded, that had too much love to give and too little experience with sorrow.
Seokjin had snorted, saying that it was just because his heart hadn’t ever experienced the disease.
He should have known, while he carried so much love within him he felt he would overflow, that was not the case for everyone. He should have known that just because he had so much love to give he didn’t know what to do with it that didn’t mean his love would be reciprocated. He should have known loving too much would be his downfall.
As he stared at the spot where an enthusiastic Jungkook had been trying to get a very reluctant Yoongi to dance just moments ago, Jimin’s heart broke for the very first time.
It had only taken a moment, a soft press of lips tucked away in a corner of the club, away from their friends, away from Jimin.
A moment, and Jimin’s world would never be the same.
“Jimin-ah,” Taehyung slurred beside him, his body draped across an equally drunk Hoseok. “Are you okay? You look like you’ve seen a ghost.”
Maybe Jimin had seen a ghost, something so scary that his body had frozen momentarily.
Jimin could only manage a nod before his eyes drifted to the door leading into the men’s washroom, the same one Yoongi and Jungkook had disappeared behind.
Maybe his mind hadn’t really registered the heartbreak because Jimin spent the rest of the night being his usual bubbly self, drinking and dancing with his friends all the while he could feel a faint weight pressing down on his chest.
----
In true Jimin fashion, he had decided to not dwell on what he had seen that night at the club.
He left for the studio at 7:00 a.m. sharp, took his morning classes daily, pored over business plans and class schedules with Hoseok for the best part of his afternoons, and met his friends for lunches, dinners and an occasional drink on the weekend.
To anyone else, Jimin would seem absolutely fine. But with each passing day, the heaviness in his chest kept growing. There were times when he would have to pause and take a deep breath that left his lungs emptier than before.
He should’ve known then.
As a dancer he was constantly left catching his breath after complicated dance routines and tiresome classes. However, this was different. Because no matter how deeply he inhaled, his lungs felt emptier than before - burning, letting their presence known in the most painful way possible.
His mind refused to acknowledge what was right in front of his eyes. After all, Jimin had been told he was lovable all his life. How could anyone not love him?
It started with him noticing all the gaps that had been forming in what used to be normal for him.
Yoongi hadn’t been inviting Jimin over to his studio as often. Jungkook hadn’t called him for a cuddle session disguised as a movie night for a whole month now. The last photo of a pink sky Jungkook sent him was two weeks old and the last message from Yoongi, even older than that.
He missed the many evenings spent bickering over barbecue with Yoongi as Jungkook observed them with mirth-filled eyes and a barely suppressed smile. He missed being swaddled in Jungkook’s warm sweatshirts and he clearly wasn’t on the receiving end of Yoongi’s endeared smile as often as he would have liked.
Jimin was slipping.
Or rather, Yoongi and Jungkook were slipping away from Jimin’s reach, and he had no clue what to do.
It was during a group movie night in his and Taehyung’s apartment that Jimin finally understood.
Jungkook sat wedged between Yoongi and Jimin, body hugging Yoongi as his head lay on the elder’s shoulder. His hand held Jimin’s atop Yoongi’s sweater clad stomach under the blanket draped over the three of them.
Halfway through the movie Jungkook’s soft snores pulled Jimin’s attention towards the younger, and Jimin couldn’t postpone the heartbreak any longer.
Jungkook had abandoned Jimin’s hand in favour of circling them tighter around Yoongi’s waist, pulling him closer as he nuzzled the elder’s neck occasionally in his sleep. If Jimin thought Jungkook looked comfortable cuddling him, with Yoongi he felt right at home, with all worries abandoned.
And Yoongi—Yoongi kept looking at Jungkook with that fond smile he reserved for the younger ones in the group. But for the first time, there was a hint of more to it. There was the usual adoration, but Jimin knew Yoongi had never looked at him like this. Like he could do no wrong and his mere existence was a miracle.
Jimin felt too close, like he was intruding on something beautiful. An unwanted bystander to a quiet moment between two lovers. He had done this before, been here before that night at the club.
He woke up in the middle of the night hacking and coughing all the way to the bathroom, rousing all six of his friends from slumber.
The movie playing on the television did little to mask the sounds of his struggle. He didn’t know what their faces looked like through his wet eyes, but he knew the hand rubbing circles on his back and the calming baritone in his ear belonged to Taehyung. And so he focused on those two things and let the cacophony of all other voices fade into the background.
With Taehyung’s soothing words telling him “you’re okay, Jiminie”, Jimin almost felt like he was, like he could be okay. He knew Taehyung was trying to convince himself, but the words were the only warmth he felt sitting on the cold linoleum floor, hunched over the toilet as he tried to just breathe through the pain that bloomed in his chest and was currently scratching its way through his throat.
It stopped as suddenly as it had begun.
Jimin panted over the toilet bowl, staring at the petals floating in the middle of swirling red water within it. Breathing had never been this painful.
It had become eerily quiet except for the sounds coming from the television. He wasn’t sure how long he kept staring at the toilet bowl as it finally sunk in.
He was in love with two of his friends. And they had found love in each other, without him.
“Four petals.” Taehyung’s voice quivered as he informed the others.
Jimin finally turned to find shocked and ashen faces, but what broke his heart further was seeing Jungkook sobbing quietly in Yoongi’s arms as the older’s lower lip jutted out in an attempt to hold back his own tears.
Jimin wanted to be there, in their embrace. But he couldn’t be, because if he had any doubt earlier, it was clear now that the ones he loved didn’t love him back the way he wanted them to.
He should’ve known there wasn’t anything more to the smiles, the touches, the words. He should’ve known loving too much would get him hurt. He should’ve known fools like him had one of two fates; with a broken heart in an early grave, or a hollow, vacant one in a hospital bed.
----
Jimin doesn’t remember much after having fallen apart in Taehyung’s arms. His best friend had practically shoved every other soul out of their apartment and joined Jimin in his bed, holding him closer than ever before, just letting the man cry in his arms.
Taehyung hadn’t asked any questions. He just let Jimin break down into pieces, he kept track of each piece, holding them like they were the most fragile thing in the world. Maybe Taehyung thought he could piece Jimin back together. But, come morning, Jimin was still broken and there were five new bloody petals swirling in his toilet.
Walking into the hall, he saw two sets of breakfast laid out at the table.
“You’re up early.” Jimin noted, raising a questioning brow.
“I didn’t cook.”
“Of course, you didn’t.” Jimin took a seat opposite Taehyung, digging into the rice and stew.
They continued to eat in silence and Jimin thought he could avoid the uneasy conversation until evening at least until Taehyung interrupted the silence.
“Who is it?”
“Hmm?” Jimin tried to put on an air of nonchalance, as if last night didn’t happen.
“Who-who do you love?”
Jimin sighed. “Does it matter Tae? It’s clear they don’t love me back.”
Ignoring Tehyung’s forlorn expression, Jimin shoveled more food inside his mouth, hoping a full mouth meant he wouldn’t be expected to talk.
“Maybe they just need to see how amazing you are, Jimin. Maybe they just don’t know they love you.” Taehyung’s eyes shone with hope as he continued, “We just need to make this person see how great a catch you are. I’m sure they’ll fall in love with you.”
Jimin hated to be the one to crush Taehyung’s hopes, but he knew there really was no use. He couldn’t deny the truth, couldn’t hold onto false hope. His days were numbered and he didn’t want to spend them trying to make the impossible happen.
“Tae-Tae, they already have someone else.” Jimin tried to smile but judging by Taehyung’s downturned lips he hadn’t managed a convincing one.
“Well then you’re getting the surgery.” Taehyung declared with a kind of unwavering finality Jimin rarely heard in Taehyung’s voice.
“It’s not that simple Tae.” He countered, collecting both their plates.
Not one to drop the conversation so easily, Taehyung followed him into the kitchen. “Why not?”
“Because!” Jimin counted to three in his head. “Just because Tae,” he whispered before turning and offering his flatmate a wobbly smile.
Taehyung’s defiant expression crumbled, breaking Jimin’s heart. He rushed to gather Jimin in his arms. “You can’t leave me here all alone Jimin-ah. You just can’t.”
One of Jimin’s hands rested at the small of Taehyung’s back while the other brushed through the hair at the nape of his neck.
“I won’t.”
As he said the words he could taste the treacherous lie on his tongue - the bitterness of it tasting worse than the bloody petals he had thrown up this morning, leaving behind a thick long-lasting aftertaste.
----
Facing Hoseok at work had been worse. The man kept fidgeting and it was clear from his expression that he had questions but didn’t know whether he should ask, or even how he should ask them. He kept throwing furtive glances towards Jimin, checking in at him after each class, pretending he just wanted to pop in and say ‘hi’.
In addition, several messages from Seokjin (one asking if he’s okay, while the others consisting mainly of memes and other ‘interesting’ things he had come across during the day), and a long articulate message from Namjoon stating how sorry he is that Jimin has to go through this and Namjoon will be there for him through it all however Jimin may want him to be.
While thankful for having such loving and caring people in his life, Jimin had made it a point to not open either of the chats.
Finally during their uncharacteristically quiet lunch in Hoseok’s office, Jimin had had enough.
“Hyung, I’m fine. You can stop holding your breath around me.”
Hoseok’s eyes bulged almost comically, making him look like one of those bug-eyed cartoon characters his nephews loved watching.
Hoseok cleared his throat before speaking. “Um, I just- We’re all just worried about you Jimin.”
Jimin nodded. “Yeah well…”
There was a beat of awkward silence before Hoseok finally asked what must have been plaguing his mind since morning.
“Why didn’t you tell anyone?” He asked in a quiet voice.
“You think I wouldn’t have said anything had I known?”
“You hadn’t known...” Hoseok stated slowly, as if only realising what the words implied as they left his lips.
“You hadn’t known. Wow um. Fuck! Jimin, I’m so sorry.”
Jimin merely shrugged. It’s not like he could choose when the petals chose to make their first appearance. Would he have preferred a more private moment, one that just involved him and his toilet bowl? Yes!
But that’s not what he got.
Oh no, he threw up those wretched petals in front of all his close friends and the two men who were the very reason for his disease.
He hadn’t even had the time to take it all in, make his peace with what this meant for him, and he already had to worry about how his six friends would react. He was certain each and every single one of them would suggest the surgery, but they didn’t know what getting the surgery meant. They knew nothing.
How was he supposed to take that step when the men he loved were such an integral part of his life? He could get the roots surgically removed, it would be as easy as getting his appendix removed, but then what? He couldn’t cut Yoongi and Jungkook out of his life just as easily.
The rest of the day had been a little less awkward. Hoseok’s unease had decreased, and while he still checked up on Jimin every hour, it was bearable. Jimin knew Hoseok still had questions, but he was glad the other hadn’t voiced them.
----
Jimin had thrown up a total of three times that day, once in the morning, another time in the studio bathroom after a particularly harrowing class, and now, right after dinner. With Taehyung rubbing his back reassuringly, he had a horrible sense of deja vu, making his gut churn nauseatingly all over again.
Taehyung finally said something once they were snuggled together in Jimin’s bed.
“Jimin-ah, we have to talk about this soon. You coughed up eight petals tonight! I’m afraid of being too late, Jimin.”
“I’ll be fine, Tae,” Jimin mumbled into the crook of Taehyung’s neck.
Taehyung pulled back, earning a whine of protest from Jimin. “No,” he stated firmly. “We don’t have time to do this your way Jimin. I will not let you ignore this until it becomes too big of a problem. We have to find a solution.”
Jimin sighed, pulling back and hugging himself tightly as if to protect himself from Taehyung’s words. “I am trying to find a solution.” He said, not meeting Taehyung’s stare.
“How?”
“I have been thinking.”
“Okay, that’s good. What have you been thinking about?”
Jimin faltered. “I-I can’t tell you.”
Taehyung sighed, his breath fanning Jimin’s face as he did so. “Jimin, please let me help you. Please…”
“I just…Why haven’t Jungkook and Yoongi hyung called? Or texted?”
Taehyung raised a questioning eyebrow, making Jimin’s cheeks blush in embarrassment. “
“It’s just that everyone has asked about how I’m doing, but those two haven’t...I’m being stupid, aren’t I?”
“You’re not.” Taehyung countered immediately. “You’re not being stupid. Jungkook said he didn’t want to bother you so he called me to ask about how you were doing. In my opinion, he was just too awkward to know how to approach you.”
Jimin nodded, burrowing into Taehyung’s arms again as the other took to carding his long fingers through Jimin’s hair. “And Yoongi hyung?”
Taehyung’s fingers paused for what Jimin thought was barely one-tenth of a second. That, coupled with Taehyung’s silence was enough of an answer for Jimin.
“Oh.”
“Yoongi hyung,” Taehyung started, “you know how he is. He’s probably trying to deal with the news on his own. I’m sure he’ll call you, Jimin-ah. He does care about you.”
The way Taehyung emphasized the last sentence made Jimin feel like he had been caught shoplifting, as if his secret was out.
“Yeah…”
It was only as Taehyung’s hand carding through his hair slowed down, and Jimin could feel his steadying breath at the top of his head that he whispered it into the quiet night, “Tae,..I don’t know what to do.”
For a moment he thought the other had fallen asleep, but them Taehyung’s arms tightened around him. “You’ve got me, Jimin. We’ll figure it out in the morning, okay?”
Jimin nodded, hugging Taehyung closer and finally letting himself drift off to sleep.