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| seven |
They’re seven and they’re making shadows on the wall, beneath the titian glow of the bedside lamp. She climbed from her window, her quick footsteps muffled along the pavement until she crawled through his.
They’re seven and they met on the playground at the end of their street and the first time Lily crawled through his window he nearly cried until she showed her face. She teased him for being scared but he let her sit on his bed with him as long as she told no one (and gave him a candy tomorrow as an apology) . His parents were asleep so their whispered conversations dwindled until he fell asleep; Lily left not long afterward.
One night follows the next and before either of them know it, this is a normal occurrence.
───
James tells Lily he never looks under his bed at night because that’s where the monsters are. She doesn’t say anything, only hides her grin.
The next morning, he awakes to his stuffed giraffe peeking out beneath his bed with scissors to its neck and ‘HELP ME’ messily scrawled in red marker on a piece of paper.
She cackles and cackles that night when he frantically tells her of the incident which gets him quite upset because it was very scary, thank you very much. He comes close to forcing her back home, or worse, telling his parents, but she teaches him how to draw a wicked cool dragon so she’s forgiven.
(He later wonders if the only reason she was never scared of monsters was because she already lived with one.)
───
They’re the best of friends, James and Lily, and he tells her so when he’s pushing her on the tire swing hung beside the creek near his house. Her grin is contagious as she soars through the air, the red of her hair flying behind her, striking against the backdrop of the towering, verdant trees. When she leaps off the swing, James’ heart nearly drops because his mum told him that that’s dangerous and he could seriously hurt himself, but Lily doesn’t have a mum so she probably never had anyone to tell her not to do that. He thinks about repeating his mother’s words, but she’s breathing hard as she lands on her feet, hands on her hips, and then she says, ‘I think you’re my best friend too’, and James forgets everything his parents told him, claiming ‘ my turn!’ before climbing atop the tire.
───
The heat is sweltering and they’re playing pirates with the wooden swords his grandfather made him and the only reason they’re doing it is because Lily came to the slides where they meet every day wearing an eyepatch. James asks where she got it from and Lily tells him her sister found it for her. He asks if she’s hurt and she hesitates before saying no. James’ mum told him asking “why” can be rude so he doesn’t ask for the reason she’s wearing it if she isn’t hurt and instead tells her that she looks cool because pirates wear eyepatches and pirates are cool. She grins, a big toothy one, and thus begins a day with exaggerated accents, hunts for treasure, and sword fights. Their shouts are ferocious and fierce, living the hours scavenging around the creek they claim as their own.
At lunchtime, James’ mother calls him in with the promise of lemonade and snacks. Lily has never met his mum face to face, but before she can refuse, James takes her hand and drags her to his back garden where two glasses of lemony goodness and triangular sandwiches sit atop a wooden table. They pull faces at the sour refreshment but allow themselves refuge at the coolness of the drink and the shade beneath the umbrella above them. James wonders how his mum knew to set out a place for Lily but figures that that’s just how mothers are — they always know, don’t they?
───
They create a fortress in James’ room on a particularly rainy day after Lily meets his mum. She was unusually shy under Mrs Potter’s kind stare and scrutiny but James brushes it off because Lily is never scared of adults — not even the mean old lady across the street who shouts at them for doing cartwheels along her lawn.
Blankets are draped around his room, enclosing the space they’ve created adorned in pillows and stuffed animals. When Lily enters through his window later that night, he hands her a flashlight as they crawl within the fort before concocting stories of ghosts and witches and werewolves. James tells her that monsters don’t scare him anymore but she collapses in giggles when a tree branch hits the side of the house, causing him to nearly crumble their sanctuary he jumps so high.
───
He asks her why they never go to her house and she shrugs noncommittally before pushing him into the creek. He quickly forgets he asked anything.
───
He shows her the light-up globe his father got him and her eyes gleam with wonder as their heads bend together to point out the places they wish to live in. She tells him she’s going to live in Australia forever when she’s older because it’s far, far away. He wonders why she’d like to be so far and away from him; what if she doesn’t want to be his best friend anymore? He says he’d like to go to Australia too but also Canada because it’s big and that means he’ll have plenty of room to run. She tells him that’s a good idea but her sister said it’s cold there and she doesn’t like the cold much.
They hear the creak of footsteps after that and freeze, wide-eyed before shutting off their flashlights with a click. They hold their breath as the footsteps pass and James is surprised by how still Lily can sit as they wait. After counting to thirty, with no sign of either of his parents coming in, they return to the globe.
When James wakes in the morning with the breeze filtering through his open window, he wonders if his mum knows that Lily comes to his room every night. Mothers are the smartest people in the world, he thinks, but she’s never said anything about it so he pats himself on the back for outsmarting his own mum.
───
A day passes with no sign of Lily so he helps his dad in the garden. It isn’t nearly as fun as racing Lily or pretending they’re superheroes, but his dad listens as he goes on about how much fun he has with his best friend and what he plans on playing tomorrow.
───
She doesn’t clamber through his window that night but he dismisses it because he feels a bit bad for hogging her when her sister probably wants someone to play with too.
───
A week passes without a trace of Lily. James searches their favorite places like the creek and the forest and beneath the slide they meet at in the playground, but there aren’t even foot-tracks in the muddy soil. He even checks around the house of the mean old lady and gets nothing but a telling-off! He wonders if this is her way of playing detective — only she’s the missing person.
───
After a week and three days drift by, James resorts to solving this mystery himself and storms to Lily’s house — at least, what he hopes is her house because he’s never been here but he’s already ringing the bell so hopefully there isn’t a mean old lady behind the door.
When Lily opens the door her eyes widen to the size of saucers before she asks what he’s doing here. He asks her where she’s been and she says she’s been busy and he really should be going because her dad will be home soon and he doesn’t much like visitors. At the sound of tires on gravel, Lily’s face pales and James opens his mouth to ask what’s wrong but she’s already grabbing his arm to pull him inside.
He’s not exactly sure what happens afterward, only that they’re suddenly in what he thinks is her room and she’s unlatching the window beside her bed and telling him to go. He wants to ask her if she’ll still be able to play and if he should go get his mum but a deep, mumbling voice resounds across the house followed by heavy, stumbling footsteps and Lily is pulling herself and a stuffed elephant in her arms into her closet, telling him that he 'can’t tell anyone, okay?’ The footsteps don’t seem to be getting closer, but she flinches at the sound of glass breaking and pots clanging. With a final hiss of ‘Go!’, James crawls through Lily’s window, much less gracefully than she does through his, and takes off, back towards his own home.
| nine |
They’re nine and a new family moved into the house next to James’ and despite Lily’s protests, he says they should say hello because maybe they’ll have a kid their age they can play with.
They’re nine and James makes friends easily so it’s really no surprise that when a portly boy with mousy hair opens the door, James immediately clicks into the sociable, enthusiastic boy he was when he and Lily met that first day by the slides.
The boy’s name is Peter and he doesn’t talk much but he offers them a biscuit and shows them his dinosaur fossil set which James declares is ‘ wicked cool!’
Lily doesn’t much agree but the biscuit really was rather good and his mum hugged both she and James when they walked in so she supposes she won’t completely slight Peter.
───
The three of them are taking turns spinning on the tire swing that Lily made Peter swear he’d never tell a soul about unless given explicit permission. She’s learned many things about this Peter boy, the most striking thing being that he talks much more around James than when she’s there.
From this, she deduces he must not like her very much, though it isn’t like she’s unused to the feeling so she doesn’t allow the fact to bother her.
She still climbs through James’ window at night — though at a much more varying rate during the school year — and tells him her epiphany. James denies it as they count the glow-in-the-dark stars littered across his room’s ceiling, saying Peter’s just intimidated by her.
Now Lily may be smart but even she stumbles across that word. Intimidating? Her? James shrugs at Lily’s confusion, admitting even he’s not too sure what it means but his dad said it once to describe his mum before they got married so it can’t be anything bad because ‘ dad never says anything bad about mum.’
───
James recently got the latest video game console that Lily really has no interest in but he insists on her trying after he beats Peter four games in a row. Lain on the loveseat with a book Mrs Potter lent her (one she uncomfortably suspects was bought just for her because no way would James willingly read a book), Lily groans but takes the controller Peter offers her.
An hour and five consecutive wins later, Lily surmises video games may not be all that bad after all.
───
When Lily suggests a race to see who can climb the tree the highest, she does it in the hopes that Peter will decline, that way she can spend time with James. Alone. Her hopes are met, but with a minor setback in the form of James offering to stay on the ground to keep Peter company.
She nearly explodes in frustration because before Peter was here, James didn’t have to worry about excluding other people because it was only them two!
Grumbling to herself, Lily accuses them of just being too scared.
What really does it though is when she brushes a speck of dirt off her arm and Peter asks why she wears long sleeves under her overalls if it’s August.
The breeze rustles the stray hairs protruding from her twin braids, and at that moment she worries she’ll begin yelling like her father does, so instead, she turns her back on them and begins climbing. Her movements are swift and trained and before long, she’s settled against the trunk on the highest branch she could reach, barely able to make out the faces of the two boys below.
Peter urges James to follow Lily but he hesitates so she calls down for them to ‘ make themselves useful and get her a book because she’s not coming down.’ James replies that she’ll get hungry so she’ll have no choice but to come down, but she crosses her legs and arms and stares ahead at the billowing fields across the creek.
The boys sigh but shortly begin playing a game of their own that Lily hasn’t a care about, thank you very much. Plus, the setting sun is awfully pretty with the orange and yellow, and red that is nearly identical to her very own hair.
When Peter’s mum calls him in for dinner he says a timid goodbye to her way above in the leaves. She ignores James’ pleas and persuasions to come down now because the sun is nearly gone and she has to go home . She asks ‘ says who?’ and when he stumbles for an answer she smirks and settles somehow more comfortably, shouting a goodnight before he retreats with a defeated sigh.
Perhaps it wasn’t the smartest idea but her flannel provided her with plenty of warmth as dusk fell into night (although she will admit her legs did get slightly chilly since the shorts of her overalls could only cover so much). But really, it wasn’t that awful even if the hoots of a nearby owl were sometimes eery and the rustle of the leaves gave her pause. Really, she thinks she ought to do this more often because at least out here she has the gush of the water below to fill her ears as she shuts her eyes rather than the upheaval her father creates.
───
She awakes to the sound of chirping birds followed by the shout of her name. Squinting against the bright light, she looks down to find James beside… her sister? Her very angry, very red-faced sister. It is then that she recognizes that not only was this her stupidest idea, but also her most mindless, foolish plan to date.
Clambering down the branches with more ease than she thought possible in her still-waking state, Lily mumbles a short apology to a furrow-browed James before Petunia grabs her arm tightly and drags Lily away. At twelve, her sister has always seemed more adult than herself, but somehow more so now as the two girls nearly sprint home, Petunia muttering under her breath how stupid Lily had been and how lucky she’ll be if their father is still asleep.
───
He isn’t still asleep.
| twelve |
They’re twelve and James, ever the extrovert has made plenty of friends throughout the school year. Lily isn’t jealous that she only has James because she doesn’t even need anyone in the first place, her own company is just fine, thank you.
They’re twelve and they’ve been talking less and less these days it feels like because he and a boy named Sirius — an incredibly stupid name if you ask her — get on so well it’s almost like they’re the same person (except Sirius is worse. So much worse). There’s Remus too who isn’t all that bad because he talks about books with her sometimes but he hangs out with Sirius so he’s not all that good either.
It’s October, which means that there are few days left with weather good enough to spend it outdoors so the moment she’s let out of school, Lily quickly heads toward their spot, book and school bag in tow only to stop short when she gets there.
“What are you doing here?” She asks, unmoved by the mere disgust in her tone.
“Why hello there, Red,” Sirius says with an infuriating grin, swaying from the tire swing he’s sat upon.
She huffs. “What. Are. You. Doing. Here.”
“James showed me it.”
She nearly splutters at his words but holds her composure for the sake of herself. “He - “
“Sirius, you won’t believe - ” a voice suddenly says from behind her. “ - Oh, hey, Lily.”
Book held tightly to her chest, Lily turns and narrows her eyes at James, too angry to even glance at both Remus and Peter flanking his sides. “You told him?” She accuses.
“Er - told who what?”
“Told him —” she gestures to a now-dangling Sirius “ — about this —” a wave of the hand makes it clear what exactly this is.
James frowns, then scratches his neck. “Oh,” he says. “I suppose I did. I didn’t think it was a big deal.”
Lily clenches her jaw because how dare he? This was their place. They’d found it first and sure, they let Peter in on it but just Peter was enough. They don’t need Sirius bloody Black to pollute the whole area because before long, he’ll babble to the whole school about the place, and then she won’t have anywhere to go because it’s not like she can still climb through James’ window anymore, not when one of the other boys are always sleeping over.
Her eyes sting at the thought: now she won’t even have her own bloody sanctuary.
James takes a step forward, “Lily, I’m sorry, I didn’t think - “
“No,” she hisses. “You didn’t.”
| fourteen |
They’re fourteen and tears are falling from the sky, a chorus of pain and heartbreak entwined with the sound of thunder and flash of lightning.
They’re fourteen and while James is off with his mates, Lily’s hidden within her room, only a book, flashlight, and stuffed elephant for company.
At another streak of light, Lily is lit up and if one were looking hard enough they would see the bags beneath her eyes, the scratches searing across her shoulder, and the yellowing bruise on her hip.
She knows he doesn’t mean to. She knows he’s just upset because her mum is gone and he doesn’t know how to grieve properly so he resorts to anything with enough alcohol concentration that’ll make him forget. She knows he doesn’t mean to strike her but he gets so angry and she sometimes gets in his way so it’s really her fault if anything. She knows now that Petunia is moved out it’s even harder for him so when he accidentally shoves her into the side table and when the shards of a glass bottle pierce her skin, she knows it’s because he doesn’t understand what he’s doing and her sister isn’t there to keep her in line while he’s having an episode.
And it isn’t like it’s a normal occurrence. He doesn’t seek her out or find joy in her pain. But soon she’ll be moved out so she won’t have to worry about any of this anymore.
───
James’ mum stops her in the supermarket one day and asks her how she’s been. She wants to tell her it’s getting harder to think clearly because everything is so, so dark. She wants to tell her that it hurts all over and she can’t breathe and she has nowhere to go. She wants to tell her she misses her cooking because she’s never had anyone who taught her as well as she had. She wants to tell her she doesn’t have any friends and doesn’t plan on making any. She wants to tell her she misses James.
She forces a smile that doesn’t reach anywhere near her eyes and tells her she’s okay but she has homework to do so she really must be going home but maybe she’ll see her around.
She hardly plans on it.
| fifteen |
They’re fifteen and James has tried talking to Lily again but her eyes are dead when she graces him with her gaze and her glare has gotten somehow scarier as time goes on.
They’re fifteen and she’s grown into her body more and boys are beginning to notice. They flirt and make eyes at the redhead beauty she’s always been but becoming more of but she’s steadfast in ignoring them all.
The school doesn’t shut up for a week straight after they hear about the black eye Lily gave a boy after he tried feeling her up. They don’t shut up the week after either when she kicks the balls of another boy who called her a whore. Boys don’t like her very much after that. They claim she’s a misandrist because she’s only going around hitting them and leaving the girls untouched. She merely laughs.
───
When she and Remus are partnered up for an English assignment she nearly drops out right then and there but he isn’t the worst and does most of the work on the days she can barely keep her eyes open. She doesn’t talk much but he fills the quiet with dry jokes and bland sarcasm that she snorts at in response.
───
He doesn’t bring up Lily when he’s with his mates, not even when James practically gets on his knees to beg for a sliver of something . He catches James staring at her on multiple occasions when they’re in class or passing in the hallways but makes no mention of it. He tells Remus he’s thinking about inviting her to their joint birthday party next week. When Remus grimaces and tells him that that isn’t the best idea, James’ blatant confusion is almost endearing.
“Why not?” He asks.
“Well, she doesn’t like you much does she?” Remus replies.
James ponders that a moment. “It’s been years though. Surely she’s gotten over it by now.”
Remus shrugs. He doesn’t exactly think Lily Evans is the type to let go of grudges easily, but he remains quiet.
───
James comes to him later the next day without a bruised face but quite a bruised ego.
Turns out, she’d rather kiss a squid than willingly be within his company.
| sixteen |
They’re sixteen and James isn’t sure what happened but one day he was walking near her house and it was quiet and then the next day it was illuminated by flashes of red and blue.
They’re sixteen and before the police came, before the world shifted slightly on its axis, James was playing video games in his basement — the game he was never able to master as well as Lily did.
───
He thinks about her too much, he knows. He notices her more than he did as a child. He sees how the same hair he once teased her about now glistens brighter than the glow of the sun; how her eyes shimmer a dance when they catch on something she considers worth her time; how her smile is dull and nonexistent. He anticipates the moments she brushes past him in the hall; the moments she glowers when she catches him staring; the moments she pulls Remus aside to talk because, despite her denial, she’s warmed up to the boy and even if they only talk about schoolwork she’s at least talking to someone.
───
Peter asks James if he thinks Lily’s alright because he saw a figure that looked eerily similar to her own last night walking past their street as he was going to bed. James blinks because it was raining last night and he didn’t think Peter would notice such things like a barely perceptible girl walking alone beneath the shadowy streetlights.
───
She’s sick two days later and her sniffles are so constant Sirius teases her over it. She tells him to piss off. James offers her a tissue that she glares at suspiciously before taking with a hesitant hand and furrowed eyebrows. When she asks why he brought her a thermos of soup the next day he tells her his mum told him to. He’s lying but it got Lily to talk to him — and thank him — so it’s worth it (even if Sirius caught his bluff and pestered him all the way home for it).
───
He finds her in what was once their spot, reading atop the same branch she once climbed to in defiance. She hasn’t noticed him so he allows his eyes to blatantly yet curiously stare. The book rests on her thighs as she reads, hair blowing relentlessly in the wind. He thinks about calling up to her but he isn’t sure what he’d say or how she’d react so he keeps his mouth shut. When he hears the faint call of Sirius from somewhere in his back garden, he leaves.
He doesn’t feel the burn of her eyes on his back as he walks away.
(But it’s there.)
───
The auditorium is boisterous and rowdy, conversations blending into one melody as they wait for one of the guest speakers to come up to talk about bullying or drinking or drugs or whatever bullshit topic the school board is forcing them to speak upon. The teachers knew to separate him and his mates so while Sirius makes faces at him from several rows ahead, James simply bounces his leg in wait. The seat to his left is empty but when a flash of red catches at the side of his vision he subconsciously rights himself. Lily doesn’t say anything when she plops down beside him or as the assembly begins; she simply stares ahead as if nothing is unusual. There’s something he can’t identify prodding at his chest as they both watch the stage but she’s silent so he’s silent and he’s wondering why she chose this seat if there are plenty of other spots around the room and this is weird, isn’t it? Yes, very weird.
When it comes time for the assembly to finish, she’s gone before he can utter a word.
───
Sirius is yelling at the telly while Peter jerks his body side to side as if that’ll somehow help him win the kart-racing game on the screen. Remus watches with amusement, giving unhelpful advice along the way. As James bursts into laughter when Sirius’ kart flies off the rainbow road, the home phone in the foyer rings. With his parents gone for a night out, James quickly goes upstairs to answer.
Lily’s voice is shaking when she tells him what happened. She says that she doesn’t know what to do and she’s scared, God she’s so scared and she didn’t know who to call and his mum gave her their number ages ago and ‘James, what do I do?’
He thinks his heart stopped a moment when his mind grasped that the crinkling voice on the other side of the phone was indeed Lily, but when he hears words like ‘dad’ and ‘drinking’ and ‘please help’ it quickly starts up again.
Not bothering to grab a coat James tells her he’ll be there, he’ll be right there just wait one second, okay? and she’s heaving a breath and he can faintly hear the call of his friends downstairs but he can’t think of anything but LilyLilyLily as he takes off in a sprint towards her house.
The police and ambulance are already there when he arrives and there in the midst of all the flurry and commotion is Lily.
Her bloodshot eyes catch on his and there’s a bruise on her arm that the shirt of her pajamas doesn’t cover and a thin blanket rests on her shoulders — one she quickly drops as she rushes towards him. He isn’t sure who hugged who first or if they simply met in the middle but her clutch is tight around his waist and her shoulders are shaking and he holds her head to his chest as she sobs. He doesn’t ask her what happened but sees the white covering across a stretcher and he knows and he’s so angry because the flashing lights highlight the scratches across the top of her back and he knows and he should have known before but she’s here and here means safe.
| seventeen |
They’re seventeen and her grandmother has come to live with her and her heart isn’t as heavy anymore although she still awakes paralyzed when a pan drops in the kitchen in her grandmother’s preparation for morning eggs.
They’re seventeen and James has told her she’s still welcome to come over anytime she’d like and she considers the offer but has yet to take him up on it.
───
They pass in the hallways and sometimes sit in silence on the roof of the school (and later atop the tree branch Lily finally convinces him to climb). There isn’t anywhere near as much talking as there was when they were children but for now, this placid, hushed quiet is enough.
───
Sirius once told her she’s like a firecracker and she punched him in the nose for it then but she really was rather pleased with that compliment.
When he says it again she still punches him in the nose but light enough that he doesn’t have to worry about ceaseless bleeding. He says she’s a bitch for that but she tells him he should have learned his lesson the first time. Remus stifles his snort.
───
She never noticed how tall James has gotten over the years until he’s telling her about the time Peter got stuck in a skip container in the crowded hallways before class and she gets a crick in her neck when she looks down to hide her laughter. She hasn’t noticed many things about him, she realizes when he crosses his arms in such a way his muscles are effortlessly accentuated or he runs a hand through his ever-mussed hair or grins a grin so blinding she has to look away to catch her breath.
Then there are the times he listens to her so intently that her words are quelled into a lull from her falter. The times he passes her notes torn from his notebook grumbling about how boring and pointless this class is and begging her to share her notes with him in which she tells him to ‘ kindly fuck off, since when have I ever taken notes.’ The times he insists that he could beat her at Mario Kart now that he’s had years of practice whereupon she’ll roll her eyes because ‘ no one can beat me, Potter, no matter how much practice.’ He’ll laugh and she’ll hide her smile and he’ll say she should come over like old times and she’ll pretend she doesn’t want to.
───
It’s a Friday night and his invitations have gotten so persistent that she only agrees so he’ll shut up (at least that’s what she tells herself). When Sirius hugs her upon her entrance she tenses and slaps him across the head. Remus rolls his eyes and says he’s already had too much to drink (‘I haven’t even had any alcohol what the fuck?’ ‘You’ve had a Coke and three Twix bars, haven’t you? ‘Oh, piss off.’) . Peter gives a small wave. James wraps an arm around her shoulder to lead her to the living room and she nearly shrugs him off but the weight is kind of nice and he smells rather good so maybe she’ll let it be for now.
Lily thought she had forgotten how to laugh but she does it so much that night that she almost forgets what it’s like to be sad at all. The boys bellow and shout at the tv screen as they lose race after race but come together in celebration when Peter beats her by a mere two seconds and she uses her hands to cover her face (and conceal her grin). She’s learned that Sirius is a sore loser and Remus still confuses which button to press when the countdown announces Go! and Peter really is quite good, although — besides that one time — he’ll never surpass her position in first place. She’s always known James to demand game after game, insisting he’ll get her next time (he doesn’t) or the time after that (he fails again) but it still drives her to roll her eyes and shake her head.
When the boys vote that it’s her turn to refill the popcorn bowl she grumbles all the way to the kitchen before stopping short. Mrs Potter looks up from her recipe book atop the island when Lily enters and smiles kindly. She doesn’t prod or probe but calls Lily ‘dear’ and ‘darling’ and says that she’s happy she’s here and that she’s doing alright. Lily thinks about giving her a hug because oh, how she missed her but refrains and instead holds the conversation until Sirius calls for her to ‘hurry the fuck up’ in which Mrs Potter calls back for him to mind his language and he replies with an insincere ‘sorry!’
At one point, when Lily has stopped playing to “give them all a chance”, Sirius gets tripped on four banana peels in a row and James laughs so hard he can’t even finish the race while his head falls onto her shoulder. Something unidentifiable swoops in her stomach with his laughter so close to her ear and she pushes him away before she begins thinking too hard.
Remus falls asleep a short time later and while Sirius and Peter are too engrossed in yet another match (see: sore loser), Lily remarks that she should be going home. James doesn’t offer to walk her so much as he grabs his coat and shoes and holds the front door open for her without question. The pavement gleams beneath the glow of the streetlights and their elbows knock together as they walk. The air, still and silent, has nothing to fill it with but their unhurried footsteps and chilled breaths and Lily is thinking yes, yes, this is nice. This was worth the wait.
───
He awakes to a knock on his window and for a moment he’s paralyzed because who the fuck, is at his window at two in the morning. It’s only Lily but at the same time, it isn’t only Lily . Her hands are shaking when he unlatches the lock and for a moment he thinks of the worst but she tells him she got in a fight with those ‘fucking pigs’ in their maths class that delight in harassing her like it’s funny. She finds his furrowed brow endearing. He asks her if she won. She laughs. Of course she did. She’s not sure why she came here, she knows how to patch up her own wounds but his touch is fire and his touch is warmth and his touch does something to her insides that makes her want to cry and laugh at the same time.
───
The house is pulsing to the beat of a song Lily doesn’t know the name of and the windows flash with red and blue and for a moment she’s sixteen and she’s terrified and shaking. But then James’ hand is on her shoulder and Peter’s voice rings in her ears as he tells her a story and she’s seventeen and she’s okay, she’s okay.
James sticks by her as Sirius and Remus go off to get drinks and Peter is pulled to the side by someone in his computing class. A girl she doesn’t know the name of comes up to her and begins talking so quickly and excitedly that Lily wonders how she managed to drink the cup in her hand empty. At some point, James disappears with Sirius to play a game of beer pong and it’s only her and this rapidly talking girl that she still doesn’t know the name of. She is quite nice though and eventually Lily blurts out the question that’s been nagging at her brain this entire time. Her name is Marlene.
Someone offered her a drink and when she declined they called her a prude. She had to take a breath so she didn’t strike their cheek.
The same boy has been following her around for the past five minutes and her patience is waning as he continues to call her names that aren’t even creative enough for her to applaud. She’s searching for James because she’s worried she’s gonna do something she’ll regret and she knew going to this party was a bad idea. The boy says something she later won’t remember verbatim but she will recall included things like ‘pisshead for a dad’ and ‘such a man-hater you killed your own father’ and she can feel the music in her ribs as well as the crack of his nose beneath her fist.
There are shouts from behind her and the blood of her hair means nothing like the blood on her hands and she should stop, she knows, but he’s attempting to get a hit in himself and - this doesn’t feel good, this doesn’t feel right. She forces the delicate voice in her head down.
An arm wraps around her waist and it’s pulling her away and they’re strong and she’s struggling against the hold.
“Stop it,” James says in her ear. “Stop it, Lily.”
She’s aware there are tears streaming down her cheeks and her voice is hoarse and she’s making a scene but, frankly, she can’t give less than a fuck right now. Her back is against his chest and he’s pushing backwards through the crowd but she can still see the face of the boy whose smirk is wide and haughty.
“Put me down!” she shouts, grappling with James’ arms. “Let me kill him , how about that! I will, you piece of fucking shit! I’ll do it!”
She manages to break free but only for a moment. James picks her back up over his shoulder, wrestling his way through the house, unstirred by her sharp raps against his back as he carries her away. She’s still shouting but it’s unintelligible by now, dwindling into sobs as she slumps against him.
There are whispers in her ears and screams in her mind and she’s angry, she’s so fucking angry she doesn’t know what to do with herself. The gust of cool air quiets her — her movements, her breaths, her mind — and then James is setting her back on her feet, hands on her arms as if afraid she’ll run off again. She wouldn’t trust herself either.
She gasps for a chance at a clear breath and pushes his chest, hardly able to see him with the tears blinding her vision. “Why’d you do that?” She hisses, pushing him again. “I had it. I had it, you prick. I had - “
Her voice cracks and then she’s breaking into sobs again and he’s pulling her into his chest and shehatesthis-shehatesthis-shehatesthis. She didn’t have it and she knows it. She knows if he didn’t pull her away she would’ve done something she’d regret and she’s bad, she’s just as bad.
He doesn’t say anything but he holds her. And maybe that’s all she’s wanted all this time. A hold that doesn’t bruise. A touch that doesn’t sting.
He holds her in the street, beneath the titian glow of the streetlights that creates shadows along the pavement. He holds her as the boys come out to ask what happened, if she’s okay. He holds her as they trek back to his house, past the playground, past the slides. He holds her as Remus cleans the blood off her hands and cheek. He holds her as he sets her down in his bed and as she drifts off into restless sleep.
A hold that doesn’t hurt. Maybe that’s all she needs.
| eighteen |
They’re eighteen, stressed over finals, balancing on a tightrope between the plummet of academic failure and sanity.
They’re eighteen, trudging out of the school gates when Sirius mentions going out to the city for the night because he’s the on-the-whim impulse decision-maker of their group.
She says that’s an idiot idea but piles behind them into the railway station anyway. There’s a black beanie nestled on her head and green puffer jacket enveloping her form and Sirius tells her she looks like a marshmallow so when he retaliates her thwack she grins smugly because she didn’t feel a thing.
It takes over an hour to get there during which James complains the whole way about how ‘ useless this is’ since ‘mum will be asking where we are within the next hour.’ Lily calls him goody-two-shoes mummy’s boy. He steals her beanie.
───
Their night is miraculous and exhilarating, their breaths colliding in a chorus of cold that dances with the snowflakes kissing their skin. Horns honk their tune while the hum of passerby plods through the streets, four boys and one girl slithering through the crowds, their laughter one of mischief and play. If their world consisted of a glass dome barrier, the snow trickling down, they would have broken through simply by the pierce of their joy.
She’ll remember the smile on each of their faces as they hid behind cars after tapping the shoulder of a stranger and running off (Sirius’ idea because he’s an ‘immature little fuck’ ). She’ll remember the view of the world around her when she climbed onto James’ back; the feel of his hands in the space behind her knees until he complains that she’s too heavy and she hops onto Remus’ back instead.
(He’ll remember the warmth of her breath with the side of her face nestled into the crook of his neck.)
She’ll remember the snort that escaped her when they were laughing at Peter who slipped on the ice and the pause before they collapsed into somehow more boisterous laughter. Sirius fell beside Peter not long after that. She’ll remember James’ arms around her, rocking her from side to side when she complained about being cold and the safety she felt with her head on his chest and his heartbeat in her ears.
(He’ll remember how right it felt with her, there in his arms.)
She’ll remember twirling in the streets with the aid of Sirius as they serenaded strangers with Queen songs until James wanted to join in and they switched to anything and everything by Taylor Swift. She’ll remember sitting on the curb with him when the other boys went off to get ice cream because it’s never too cold for ice cream and rating the outfits of those who passed by before falling into silence. She’ll remember resting her head on his shoulder and looping her arm through his and he’s constantly moving but when her touch is on him he’s still.
(He’ll remember thinking now, do it now but he’s not sure what ‘now’ entails. He isn’t sure he wants to find out.)
She’ll remember freedom, happiness, peace.
But what she’ll remember most is the warmth in her belly, the heat on her skin despite the snow dotting her hair, the wind biting her cheeks.
───
As fluorescent lights flicker above them, he pushes her in the trolley. She’s got lined paper stacked upon a book in her lap while she writes, pinching his wrist anytime she’s jostled too much. His mum asked for him to pick up some groceries when he gets out of school and when Lily offered to come he’d have to off himself before denying her anything . So, there in the supermarket, uniforms still clad to their bodies, they exist in silence while he takes crisps off their shelves and she toils away in her studies.
───
He asks her if she’s still planning on moving to Australia when she hops criss-crossed onto his bed at eleven at night. She asks him how he remembered that. He tells her he remembers everything when it comes to her. She pushes him to the ground and calls him a sap to hide her blush.
───
They’re laying side by side atop the covers of his bed and they’re talking about Sirius and she wants to ask why he lives there but she thinks she knows why. James reads her thoughts though and tells her anyway. She goes to the loo to cry a little, then finds Sirius’ room and gives him a hug. She listens as he talks about the motorcycle he’s saving up for until James comes in whining about the lack of attention on him.
───
She finds Remus in the library, tittering on the edge of a breakdown because the future is formidable but inevitable and there’s so much to do but so little time. She offers him a cigarette and doodles on his hand to keep him distracted. He wraps her in a hug and she tells him that there’s not enough time to worry about not having enough time.
───
Peter will sometimes call her up worriedly after he had a thought that felt like it was drowning him or he had a dream that cast shadows in his mind instead of the walls like it did when he was little.
And Lily will stay up with him. She’ll turn on a lamp and talk with him over the phone until his breaths even out or until the sun glitters across her bedsheets and he apologizes for keeping her up the whole night but she reassures him it’s fine, it’s okay, I wouldn’t have answered if I didn’t want to help.
───
Without prompt, she tells him she and Petunia don’t really talk anymore; that her sister left the moment she could and hasn’t looked back since. Lily thinks it’s because she’s just too much of a reminder of what happened. She doesn’t blame her.
He doesn’t like the look overtaking her face so he grabs her hand and pulls her to their movie room. They watch Clueless. He recites half the film to her.
(And when their knees brush she pretends she doesn’t notice.)
───
It’s two a.m. and she’s knocking on his window not as a question but as a forewarning. He’s already pulled the covers up to invite her in and she curls herself against his chest. She asks him if he’s ever afraid of the future. H e replies , ‘All the time.’
───
It’s his birthday and the four of them get him a customized shirt with the words ‘sirius black’s #1 whore’ printed on the front. It was Lily’s idea but she lost Rock Paper Scissors to Sirius so he got to use his name. James loved it so much he immediately put it on and showed his parents who took about thirty photos ‘to send to the family.’
She’s standing in the corner of the party, watching James take at least six shots in a row and his grin makes her so nauseous she has to look away. When she looks back he has an arm around a girl and is saying something in her ear that makes her hit his chest but then his eyes find her despite the crowd and… oh.
Lily doesn’t know this feeling but she knows now, at this moment she would give him her heart. Even if he didn’t hold it like he holds her — gently, carefully — if he asked, she would grant him the mess and tragedy that makes her whole.
───
In her dream her body’s decaying, overgrown with moss and ivy. Her face is blurred and she’s looking down at the body that she knows is hers but doesn’t feel that way. She doesn’t recognize the forest towering over her quiescent form but she recognizes the contrast of the red camellia petals littered across her pale hands. They’re the same flowers James made a crown of for her when his father returned with them from a trip to Japan.
───
They’re in the kitchen, drunk off of life and the little bit of insanity that comes from studying for exams too long. The biscuits they shaped into stars and snowflakes (because they couldn’t find any cookie cutters that weren’t Christmas themed) are burned to the crisp. Lily dares him to eat one anyway. He coughs so loudly Mrs Potter comes down to ask why they’re still up, flour in their hair, frosting on their cheeks. She doesn’t ask what Lily is doing here and Lily wonders if she’s always known.
───
She wonders how he can walk around looking like that. How he can make the entire world stop with a flash of his smile. How his eyes always find her in a room, no matter how dark or crowded.
There’s an inexplicable urge to grab his shoulders and shake him until he hears her thoughts.
(I like you. I like you so much that when you’re around, it’s like I’ve forgotten how to breathe.)
───
Something gives him the nerve to touch her hand when they’re lying side by side, watching as the headlights of passing cars reflect shadows on his ceiling. He doesn’t say anything and neither does she. She wonders if it was all a dream.
───
‘I haven’t showered in three days,’ is what he says when he climbs through her window instead of the other way around. ‘Then get the fuck off my bed,’ she replies not looking up from the book in her hand. He’s lying and she knows it and he knows she knows it but when he flops on top of her she still pushes him off and threatens to drop him out the window. He offers her a Twix bar. She retracts her statement.
───
He’s sick this time and she makes an attempt at tomato soup but when she asks Sirius to try it he tells her it’s the ‘worst fucking thing he’s ever tasted.’ She hides a bowl beneath his bed behind a stack of notebooks so the fumes overwhelm his room without knowing where it’s coming from. Afterward, she makes toast that’s only slightly burnt (‘ Just the way I like it!’ She calls him a shit liar) and brings all the jams she can find to James’ room. As he eats he asks her to read to him. She asks if he thinks she’s his ‘fucking servant’ but does it anyway.
───
It’s a week before graduation and they can’t believe they’ve made it this far so they lay in his back garden while the sun glistens on their skin. Sirius dumps a bucket of water, Remus sprays the hose, and Peter throws water balloons. An afternoon of peace turns to one of chaos.
───
They’re in his car (that’s really his dad’s), waiting for the other boys. She’s not sure where they’re going but there aren’t worries of school anymore so she supposes that’s alright (plus, she guesses James doesn’t know where he’s meant to be driving either). The dashboard casts colors of neon across his face and he’s looking at her with something she swears is reflected in her eyes. Sirius clambers in the backseat loudly. Lily has to remind herself that there wasn’t a moment to be ruined.
───
The sky is purple but not the sweet, lilac color of flowers and pastel; rather a deep, royal plum flickering with specks of white that if looked upon closer could be identified as luminous stars. They’re sitting on a swing-set, the metal creaking with each sway. He’s had a little too much to drink and he’s waxing poetic about the moon and stars and she’s thinking that if he simply asked, the gods would grant him a divine cosmo. Her head is tilted upwards and she doesn’t feel his gaze but it’s there and then he drunkenly declares that he thinks she’s made of stardust. Her heart stops a moment then she remembers he’s drunk. Leaning on the chain looking at her, he grins when she laughs. She asks what he means by that. He doesn’t say anything more.
( ‘how can you say you aren’t stardust when the same god that made the moon, the stars, and planets; the same god that created the infinite galaxies and cosmos littered across the night sky, made you?’)
(He doesn’t say that, but if he could find the words he would have.)
───
She wants to kiss him. Here, beside the moonlit creek, bubbling across rocks and stones. Here against the running sink while she’s scrubbing the red paint off of his face. Here when he’s mindlessly playing with her fingers while they lay side by side. Here beneath the flickering lamp while they share a tub of ice cream over the kitchen island.
───
She’s looking at him and he’s looking at her. She’s wondering if this is it; if she hasn’t been imagining his lingering glances and feather-light touches. If there’s a fluttering in his stomach when he sees her like there is for her. If on the nights he can’t sleep and she’s not there, he imagines themselves tomorrow and next week and thirty years from now. If he likes her the way she likes him (she’s afraid to say the bigger word). He looks away first and she thinks she’s imagining the flush to his cheeks so she averts her eyes too.
───
It happens when she’s least expecting it. She’s straddling the window edge with one leg dangling out the side of the house and one inside. It’s two in the morning, or three, or four (time slips into an entity of nothing when they’re together) and her voice is hushed and dulcet as she tries to finish her story before forcing herself away. There’s a look on James’ face as he listens, as he observes her — how her eyes glimmer in the moonlight, how her smile brightens the beige walls of his room. And then there’s an urge so deep inside him, a pressing so persistent as he acknowledges it’s her. No matter how hard he tries to convince himself otherwise, it’ll always be her. And it’s nothing like the movies and novels make it out to be because they don’t show the hitch in his breath or the halt in his mind as he thinks fuck it. Now, this is it. Now.
And he doesn’t quite know what he’s doing until his lips are on hers and it’s nothing like the films and books because he doesn’t wonder if he shouldn’t have done it. He doesn’t wonder if she’s going to push him away because when his hand is on her cheek, and her jolted gasp softens, there’s nothing in his mind — no thoughts, no wonders — only herherher.
He pulls back and her eyes are still closed for a moment but when she opens her eyes, they’re somehow brighter than ever because she’s looking at something worth her time. Her grin is wide and stupid and familiar and then she’s pushing his shoulder, saying, ‘took you long enough’ before kissing him again and this is nice, this is everything, this is their side of the wide expanse of the universe.
| from here on out |
They’re nineteen and they’re twenty and they’re seventy-eight and they’re in love.