Work Text:
Captain America enters, flips a chair backwards, and sits on it. He locks eyes with the camera and speaks.
“Hi, I’m Captain America.
So, it’s late at night, and you’re reading fanfic.
It’s understandable. When we do things we enjoy, our brains make happy chemicals. For some people, late night reading may be one of the best parts of the day. But I am here to tell you that it is time for sleep.
If you are a teenager, you need 8 to10 hours of sleep every day. If you are an adult, your body and mind still need at least 7 hours of sleep every night. The joy of reading is not a sustainable substitute for sleep.
As Captain America I can tell you that all heroes—whether you’re an Avenger, a doctor, or a person who leaves kudos and nice comments on fanfics—need sleep.
But you don’t have to do it alone. Teamwork is one of the most important parts of life. I am here, and I will help you sleep.
First, suit up. Proper attire and preparation are necessary for every mission, no matter how mundane. I will wait here while you brush your teeth, put on PJs, and otherwise prepare yourself for the mission of sleep. You may come right back when you are finished.
[break to follow Captain America’s instructions]
Welcome back! You have successfully embarked on this mission. Your next task is surveillance. Always case your surroundings before rushing in. Go ensure that doors and windows are locked, and lights are off. Prepare what you need for an hours-long stake out in your bedroom. I will keep watch until you return.
[break to follow Captain America’s instructions]
You are doing well. You need to know that I have many friends, including geniuses and superspies. It is time for me to let you in on some top-secret information: ao3 will still be there in the morning. Your bookmarks and tabs and email notifications will be just as you left them, unchanged until your return.
This is your last chance to prepare for the mission of sleep before I give you your sleeping orders. Silence your phone. Text your friend goodnight. Come back when you can give me your full attention for the rest of the night.
[break to follow Captain America’s instructions]
It is now time to prepare your mind for sleep. Pause and take 3 deep breaths. Adequate oxygen supply is important for the brain, and can help you calm down.
Now, think of one thing, however small, that you are proud of yourself for today. Even if it’s drinking water or smiling at a stranger.
What is your small thing?
Really? You did that? I’m so proud of you.
Next, let’s make sure we fall asleep with good feelings.
Picture one of your OTPs, platonic or romantic.
Are you thinking of them?
Now close your eyes for 10 seconds and imagine them hugging.
If you still need help calming down, follow me in a breathing exercise.
Breathe in, then breathe out for twice as long. Several repetitions of this activate the parasympathetic nervous system and calm you down.
For example, breathe in for 3 seconds, then out for 6.
In…
Out…
In…
Out…
In…
Out…
You are ready. Sleep well.”
This has been Rappin’ with Cap