Chapter Text
The first time Asuka Langley Shikinami wakes up,she remembers pain and confinement. Both are muddied and distant through the drugs, and she soon falls back to sleep. The second time, the drugs have faded and the pain is still muddy, but more localized. Something’s down her throat, pumping air into her lungs and it is only through a decade used to LCL and training that she does not choke or panic. Instead, she does what any soldier would, and starts inventory. Her left leg below the knee, toes unresponsive, her right arm below the elbow, likewise. Hell, most of her left side feels like she’s been dunked in acid, but her eye?
Her left eye is on fire.
As if it was waiting for her to notice it, the pain flowers and spreads, sending a spiderweb of molten agony through her face, her veins. She tries to look, but she cannot turn her head. Clamps hold her in place. She’s screaming through the feeding tube, or trying to, as red alarms blare and strange runes light up the walls. The pain begins to build in her eye, racing towards a creshendo, but then there is relief, blessed cool, soothing relief as she feels the medication flood her veins from shunts on both arms. The pain recedes, the red and blue lights dimming, along with the world and Asuka allows herself to fall back into that dreamless dark where at least there is no pain.
The third time she wakes up, the tubes down her throat and up her nose are gone, she’s breathing LCL at a steady, natural pace. The pain is dimmer still, enough that she can distinguish the smaller wounds on her shoulders, her hip, and left breast, which will no doubt leave her with impressive scars. For a moment, she thinks, oddly, about school. How her claim to be the most goregous girl who ever walked this green Earth, was now going to be just that. A claim with no basis in reality.
No, that was stupid. She was an Eva pilot, a Warrior-Queen with the scars to prove it after fighting an Angel that had infected Evangelion Unit 03...
Oh Gott in Himmel...
Instead of pain or medicine, icy fear raced through Asuka’s veins as she remembered childish giggling, wings of light carrying her forward towards a twirling blue cross that filled her vision-
Asuka blinked and found that only one eye responded with light and color. Well, fuck.
The blue light was back, shining somewhere from her left side, while the red runes lit up in cascading rows along the walls of...somewhere in NERV. She tried to turn and look, to see what medical device was going off and to reassure herself the Angel wasn’t still there. A slightly muffled voice distracted her.
“Pilot Asuka Langley Shikinami? Are you there? Please respond.”
She followed the voice to a series of shielded speakers set into the LCL healing chamber, above which shone a series of long windows with flourescent lights. “Pil-l”
She coughed and cleared her throat, hocking up a disgusting loogie she spat into the distance, knowing the LCL’s medical scrubbers would clean it up. Not caring. “Pilot Shikinami here,” she responded, her voice hoarse and ragged. It felt like she’d swallowed razor blades.
“Subject appears to be responding to external stimuli,” said the voice on a hot mike. “Command of human language sufficient for communication, albiet in German. Pilot Shikinami, please track the light with your eye.”
Asuka did so, noting the singular reference and her heart sank. The damn Angel had taken her eye, but since she was here, it meant they’d killed it. She hoped the Angels could feel pain. The blue glow was back, but far duller this time, a thin pinprick of light following the distant flashbulb in the LCL.
“Containment runes holding steady. Subject responds to external stimuli. Pilot Shikinami, what is your date of birth?”
“December 4th, 2001, is that you Doctor Akagi?”
“Subject retains at least some of her previous memories, can differentiate between humans. Pilot Shikinami, what’s the last thing you remember?”
Asuka tried to describe the blue light she’d seen, the giggling, and the wings. “So that was an Angel right? Is that why you’ve got me locked down here? To make sure I’m really Asuka Langley Shikinami? I’m guessing that Idiot Shinji and the Commander’s Pet kicked its ass. Is that why I’m busted up like this?”
There was a disconcertingly long pause and she saw the dark figures against the windows turn to each other, one running off to god knows where.
“It was an Angel, and yes, this is the standard procedure for contamination. Your injuries were sustained as a combination of your initial infection by the Angel Bardiel, and the ensuing combat required to defeat it.”
“Infection?” Asuka’s voice rose an octave and several more in volume, “Is that why I can’t move my head?”
“Yes,” said Dr. Akagi bluntly, still a frigid bitch to the end. “Your restraints are for your saftey as well as ours. We wanted to be sure you couldn’t hurt yourself.”
“Gee, thanks!” Asuka’s sarcasm could’ve boiled the LCL. “Well, I’m going to have some great battlescars. I wouldn’t like, rip my arm off or anything...you’d better believe I was fighting that damned thing the whole way!” She grinned fiercely, a little more of her old vigor coming back to her while the doctor’s voice kept its medical detatchment. Akagi’s bedside manner sucked.
“We believe you Asuka, we just have to run a few more tests...”
————————————————————
It was impossible to tell time through the flourescent lights and the LCL, but it still felt like hours before the doctor stopped droning on about synthetic overlays and AT-Fields, mental integrity and harmonic sympathizers. Even to a veteran Evangelion pilot who’d been training since she was four, the technical jargon was impenetrable. Asuka held her tongue through a supreme effort of will, lest the good doctor realize she’d left the mic on. Then she left, with a rote “Goodnight Asuka” and the flourescent lights shut off.
How the fuck she was supposed to fall asleep when she couldn’t move was never addressed, so Asuka simply closed her eye and tried to wiggle her fingers and toes, to mild success as feeling crept back into her limbs over what felt like several hours.
Then the distant windows lit up with the soft glow of a computer monitor, the ceiling lights still dark and a thoroughly bored Asuka saw a shadow move through the space. Several minutes passed, then, a crackle on the loudspeaker. “You Asuka Shikinami?”
“Who’s asking?”
“Just a lab rat too curious for Commander Ikari’s own good,” said a quiet singsong voice. “That lady with the purple hair who was worried about you, who is she?” The tone of the question was knowing rather than inquisitive, so Asuka snorted bubbles in annoyance at another Security Question. “Major Misato Katsuragi, my CO and guardian. Why?”
“It’s close to Christmas, I figured I might be Santa Claus at the holiday party. Santa has to know these things.” Asuka rolled her eye. Great, another Westerner, likely a spy, and one with a shitty sense of humor. Still...
“Hey, Lab Rat, can you tell me what’s going on?”
“You’re gonna need to be more specific, Princess Rapunzel. Lots going on up here right now.”
Asuka ground her teeth. Man, she was gonna punch this girl just for that remark, but... “How long have I been out?”
“Three weeks, but hey, you’ve got a pretty good guard dog up here. Turns out Puppydog Shinji had some teeth in him after all, he went ballistic after the Dummy Plug system trashed Unit-03. Ripped his way through the Geofront and was stompin’ on the HQ Pyramid, all for you.”
“The Dummy System?” Asuka now felt twice as justified in her hatred of the potential replacement machines. “Did he try to save me?”
“No clue, the Commander’s got the mission logs wrapped up tight, and I’ve got enough on my Naughty and Nice List for tonight.” The comforting rhythm of computer keys filled the LCL as Asuka digested that and the mysterious girl spoke again.
“Listen, I’ll be back as soon as I can, play along with Ritsuko for now. And don’t mention me, I’ll see if I can get you some visitors. See ya Princess!”
“Hey, I’m not-“
The comm crackled off as the computer light dimmed then shut down.
“That fuckin’ bitch, who does she think she is...” As it turned out, Little Miss Lab Rat had given Asuka plenty of material for a good complaining session, which she added to the list of painful and irritating conditions of her confinement. Her hair was going to be a mess from all this LCL, she’d probably need to use the whole bottle of the expensive conditioner she’d brought from Germany, which Misato was probably using while she was down here...The sooner they let her out to pilot Unit 02, the better. All this anger would go into an Angel instead of Shinji’s face. Or Ritsuko’s. Actually, she should start another list.
When Doctor Akagi strolled back into the lab, Asuka pestered her with questions about the other pilots, the status of Unit 02, and Misato, all of which were ignored with NERV’s traditional “need to know” information policy. She apologized for forgetting the sleeping medication the day before, but she didn’t sound very sorry. As the day progressed, Asuka noticed something curious. The more Akagi refused to answer questions, and the angrier she got, the more the blue light began to appear, usually low and prompting only the first or second row of red runes to show up on the walls. Trapped as she was, Asuka decided to run some tests of her own, which soon had the distant form of the blonde doctor scuttling about as she urgently asked Asuka about how she felt, what she was thinking, and why.
“Isn’t it obvious?” asked the German pilot, “I’m PISSED OFF because you won’t tell me a damn thing and this plugsuit’s starting to itch! Christ, can’t I scratch my ass and you still haven’t given me anything to eat, drink, or read. I’m dying down here.”
“Alright Asuka,” said the doctor in placating tones as the blue light grew brighter and the third row of runes lit up. “I’ll see what I can do, but Commander Ikari is only being cautious. How about some music? I can work that into the tests.”
“Thank you!” Asuka allowed her anger to flow back behind the dam she carefully stored it in for years, letting it trickle out against Idiot Shinji, Wonder Girl, her classmates, and the Angels. Soon enough the light strings of Bach’s chello suite sounded through the LCL, distorted but still recognizable.
It wasn’t much, but it kept Asuka from boiling over, merely simmering for the rest of the day, playing Ritsuko’s games, answering her questions, enduring the constant dulled pain, but still not allowed free from the restraints that bound her to whatever-the-fuck this was. She hoped it wasn’t an operating table.
That night, Ritsuko at least gave Asuka the sleeping drugs she’d promised, and Asuka drifted off to sleep with a beatific smile on her face as blessed oblivion claimed her.
Not long enough. Not nearly long enough. She woke up to the dark silent chamber as two shadows entered the viewing bay and when the computer screen flickered on, she caught the distinct tint of Misato’s purple hair. Despite herself, she breathed a sigh of relief and managed to disguise it as annoyance. “Misato, about time! Your old college buddy Doctor Akagai missed her calling, she should’ve been a torturer instead.”
“Torture?” Misato’s voice went up an octave and two volume settings as the figure above smashed into the window with fury. “Asuka, what the hell’s been happening, I just found out you were awake!”
“Ughh, just boring tests, pain, and these stupid restraints. Can you let me out, Misato? I want to go home and take a shower, if you haven’t used all my conditioner.”
“Yeah, that’s not happening Princess,” said the Lab Rat, whose voice had gone from chirpy and plunged down into concerned-but-trying-to-hide-it. “Misato, look at these results from today.”
Misato’s purple-ish shadow crossed over to the computer monitor and with a sudden click, the speakers shut off. “Hey, Misato?” called Asuka, worried at the sudden silence. “HEY! Turn that back on!” The blue light and the first row of glyphs lit up again and the crackle returned almost immediately. “Asuka, whatever you’re doing, stop it,” hissed Misato. “We snuck in here and you’re giving off enough radiation to recreate Fukushima!”
“I’m radioactive?” Anger was once more doused by fear and suddenly the LCL seemed like a reasonable precaution as Lab Rat’s voice returned to cheery. “Actually, your eye was giving us a nice sample of the whole electromagnetic spectrum, but yeah. Don’t try that again unless you really want to be dissected.”
“Misato, you-“
“They would have to shoot me before I let them hurt you,” said the Major firmly, with a core of anger that bizarrely made Asuka feel slightly comforted. “But I’m warning you, the Commander brought it up, and Rits didn’t push back as hard as I thought she would.”
“Again, what the hell’s going on up there?”
“Right now, negotiations with the Japanese government, EuroNERV, the UN, and SEELE,” said Lab Rat. “We’re supposed to be in jail on an aircraft carrier off the coast of Hawaii, god bless Japanese bureaucrats. Did you know the Magi currently have you labeled as a Pattern Orange?”
Asuka did not, and her PhD in Metaphysical Biology (following her mother) provided a long string of sentences that boiled down to: Not an Evangelion, and not an Angel. She said as much, her anger and fear now mixed with curiosity, and Lab Rat laughed. “Princess, you’re preaching to the choir up here, and with such a sweet voice too. Misato, I’ve got the printouts, you’ve got Kaji’s flash drive?”
“Safe and sound,” promised Misato and Asuka could almost see the cheeky grin on the Major’s face. “Asuka, tomorrow when Rits comes back, give her an hour or so, then get as angry as you can, let it all out. See how much you can break, it’ll give me an angle-“
“Maybe an Angel,” chirped Lab Rat and in the sudden silence, her giggle died a slow death. “Okay, yeah, that one was too far.”
“Care to share her name Misato?” ground Asuka through bared teeth and soft blue light. “I want to make sure I’m punching the right bitch when I get out.”
“I’m Mari Makinami, codename Illustrious,” said the girl, not at all bothered by the promise of violence as a shorter figure waved at her. “I look forward to seeing you get mad. If you’re anything like your Eva, it’ll make you look cuter!”
“The HELL do you know about my Eva!?” shouted Asuka, as the two women left, taking the light with them for a brief moment before someone scuttled back.
“Sorry, forgot your present, Princess,” said Mari, “Enjoy!”
Another click heralded one of the strangest music playlists Asuka had ever heard, but it wasn’t a bad thing. With Misato and Mari-Who-Will-Suffer gone, Asuka was out of fond memories to remember, with plenty of bad ones waiting in the wings. When even a cheery German song about death could make her think Shinji’s SDAT was a good idea, then Asuka knew she was desperately bored. Still, the music kept her attention. She sang along to some of the German songs she recognized, including the Pre-Impact artefact “99 Luftballons”, tapped out a beat to the classical, (Beethoven this time), and conducted elaborate combat exercises in her mind with the rare electric guitar.
The playlist ended with a kareoke classic, “Fly Me to the Moon”, which cut off towards the end, giving Asuka half an hour of silence to compose herself before Doctor Akagi came bustling in, looking like she’d slept in her clothes.
“Asuka, did anything happen last night? The sensors registered several spikes in your psychograph as well as a few...anomalies.”
“Tell me what kind of anomalies and I’ll answer the question,” said Asuka stubbornly. “I’m done being led around like a dog on a leash and I’m tired of being locked down like some lab rat. I am the pilot of Evangelion Unit 02, the best of them all, you’ll need me ready when the next Angel comes! I’m not replaceable like you!”
“Shut UP, you little bitch!” snapped Ritsuko, her voice full of venom as two mechanical arms extended from the walls and Asuka realized taunting the person running experiments might not have been the best idea. Her chest convulsed and it felt like she’d been kicked in the tits by a horse. The in-suit defibrillator package. “Aufgeilen, der blvd fotze? Da ist ja Kinderkake!”
“Subject Shikinami, you will control yourself, or I will do it for you.” The doctor’s anger was laced with cold disdain that hadn’t been there before, the figure at the window rigid and stiff. “Comply with these tests and swallow your infantile desire for attention. Remember that everyone here is replaceable, even Pilots. Especially Eva Pilots.”
Fuck it, I’ve done enough waiting , thought Asuka, ignoring how much the doctor’s words stabbed through her, how the pain from her limbs, even her eye seemed a distant thing compared to the volcano of rage inside her. “I’m not replaceable,” she spat. “I don’t care what that Angel did to me, I am fucking perfect! I’m Asuka Langley Shikinami!”
The runes lit up all four rows at once, an angry red as alrms blared and the blue light began to overpower the orange of the LCL. She idly noticed it was boiling as the pain in her eye rose and rose, bursting into one single heavenly note as something tore.
Asuka saw with both eyes as the blue light shining from her left eye narrowed and compressed. The pain increased even as the light grew brighter and smaller, filling her sight on one side before the pain vanished, expelled from her, beyond her. A blue laser stitched its way across the LCL and impacted the windows with the fury of a goddess.
There was static from the speakers and Asuka’s entire body went strong and weak at once, changing as something tried to pull free. She felt like she could kill a thousand men bare-handed, she felt as if she was going to collapse into a puddle. She wanted to kill Ritsuko Akagi, she dismissed the woman as a pinprick in the face of eternity. But there was pain throughout it all as her arms, legs, and neck rebelled against the metal around them, which lit up with runes too. Asuka was distantly aware she was screaming. Or singing?
But the runes were singing too, a discordant song that clashed with hers, producing a jumble of off-key notes and crumbling tempo that refused to budge. Asuka snarled, spit flying from her bared teeth, I will not submit, I will never submit, I am-
Suddenly she felt heavy, like she’d been asked to push her Evangelion up a mountain, and her song sputtered to a tremulous, uncertain halt. Poision, medication, flooded her as the defibrillator in her chest spasmed again and she felt the shunts stabbed into her arms open wide. The chamber was orange-red again, reality insistent upon itself once more as her restraints seared runes against her skin. Still, the blue scar on the far wall, scoring a pattern into the steel could not be denied, the LCL pouring out the broken windows to be replaced by blood-red bakelite. Even as it surrounded her, freezing her in place, forcing her to close her mouth, Asuka couldn’t help but smile