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“How did you do it?”
Natasha glances away from the road to glance at her sister in the passenger seat. Upon the silence, Yelena clarifies.
“How did you go on to do good? How did you decide to just-- to just change?” Yelena’s fingers fiddle with the zipper on her vest, her gaze peering out at the night sky as she avoids eye contact with Natasha.
Natasha is quiet as she gathers her thoughts, focusing on the road. She can hear Yelena shift nervously in the passenger seat as she waits. “I was given an offer.”
Yelena waits for more, letting out a huff of air when Natasha doesn’t expand on the answer. “So you were given an offer and just… took it? Decided to stop killing people?”
“I didn’t stop killing people,” Natasha corrects, pulling up to a red light. She takes the opportunity to glance at her sister. Yelena has tucked her bottom lip between her teeth to chew on it. “I just… didn’t hurt those who were innocent.”
Yelena rests the side of her head against the window. “Little girls look up to you and call you their hero.”
“I never asked them to,” Came Natasha’s reply as the light turns green.
“You chose to join the big guys. The Avengers,” Yelena finally twists in her seat. “It’s not fair.”
Natasha frowns. “What’s not fair?” She pulls onto the nearly empty freeway. Yelena is quiet and Natasha turns to watch her sister stare at her.
“You got out and did good and made this whole grand life for yourself,” Yelena flops back into her chair. “People think you’re good. A superhero.”
“You can be good too.” The words leave Natasha’s mouth faster than she can think of the ramifications. Yelena tilts her head back and laughs.
“Yeah right,” The words are bitter as she gives a dry chuckle. “Me and you? We’re not the same.”
“We’re both Widows. We’ve had our childhoods ripped from us and were taught to kill--” Natasha said before Yelena shakes her head.
“No. You got out. You left me behind. You don’t know what I’ve done. You got out and became a superhero. You are practically a saint to those who worship the ground that you walk on,” Yelena sneers and it’s an unfamiliar look that Natasha doesn’t think belongs on her face.
Natasha faces the road again. “Well… if I’m a saint then what are you?”
Yelena’s lips curl into a glower. “I am a sinner. I have done the worst of the worst.”
“I can almost guarantee that I’ve done what you have,” Natasha sighs. “Don’t compare trauma.”
“See--” Yelena shoves a finger at her and Natasha swats it away. “You’re all ‘i’ve done bad things’, blah blah blah. But you are one of the big guys. You are trying to hide all of the red.”
“What do you want from me?!” Natasha finally demands, the car stopping abruptly at the next red light as she slams her hand on the steering wheel in frustration. “Do you want an apology? Do you want me to get on my knees and beg for forgiveness for my sins? Do you want me to praise the lord that I’m an Avenger just trying my best to atone for what I’ve done?!”
Yelena shrinks back in her seat at the outburst, her body tense as if expecting a fight. Natasha lets out a tired sigh.
“I dunno…” Yelena finally admits quietly, glancing out the window so she doesn’t have to look at her sister. “I thought…” She rests her forehead against the cool glass of the window. “How?” Is the only word she can manage to get out.
“I’m not a mind reader, Yelena. You need to elaborate,” Natasha is exhausted. She’s not ready for a conversation like this.
“How do you be good?” Yelena finally asked and Natasha glances at her sister.
She’s suddenly struck with how young her sister was. How although she might have been the best child assassin out there that her sister is so naive about the way of the world.
“I don’t want to kill people but it’s all I know how to do,” Yelena continues when Natasha doesn’t reply. Her voice is soft and hesitant. “How do you be good? How do you stop hurting people? How do you stop the nightmares and the memories--”
Natasha has to pull the car over because her sister is breathing heavily.
“Yelena. Yelena, hey--” Natasha reaches out to touch her shoulder but Yelena grips the wrist in a bruising hold, jerking away from the touch. “Okay. It’s okay. Just look at me.”
Yelena finally looks Natasha in the eyes. Natasha can see the uncertainty swimming in them, Yelena’s eyes glassy with unshed tears that she refuses to let fall.
“I had a lot of help. I didn’t just get out and decide to do good. I was given a chance to prove that I was more than what the Red Room made me,” Natasha finally gives her an honest answer because her sister deserved it. “You are so much more than what Dreykov made of you.”
Yelena shakes her head. “No.” She lets Natasha’s wrists go, shoving herself as far away as she can in the small car. Her body was pressed against the door as she curls up like a caged animal. “Don’t lie to me.”
“I’m not lying. I have no reason to lie,” Natasha said, feeling the throbbing in her wrists as blood flow returns to her hands. “You can be more than a killer.”
“You don’t understand, Natalia,” Yelena shakes her head, looking frustrated and upset with herself that she can’t articulate what she wants to convey.
“Then help me understand,” Natasha held a hand out in front of Yelena, her palm facing upward.
She watches Yelena bite her lower lip hard enough to draw blood. “I can’t be like you.”
Natasha gives Yelena a few moments to collect her thoughts, her hand still outstretched.
Yelena reaches out, her fingers delicately grasping Natasha’s hand so that her other hand can push the sleeve of Natasha’s shirt up. Her thumb gently ghosts over the red marks that she left on her skin. “We are not the same. I cannot be a hero.”
Natasha reaches her other hand out to place it on top of Yelena’s. “Then don’t be a hero.”
Yelena swallows hard, her tongue licking away a bead of blood from her lower lip. “What do I do then?”
“Go get yourself a little house with a white picket fence. Go get that dog that you told me about. Go be normal,” Natasha tells her. “Go find out what kind of food you like and buy something other than an army surplus vest.”
Yelena shifts her hand to grip Natasha’s. “I don’t know how to be normal.”
“Neither do I,” Natasha gently gives Yelena’s hand a squeeze, feeling the scars on her fingertips from knives and the calluses from gripping guns. “But after we take down the Red Room then you’ll have all the time in the world to figure it out.”
“What if I can’t be good or be normal? What if I’m just destined to hurt people?” There’s honest fear in her tone.
Natasha gives her a reassuring smile. “We’ll figure it out.”
“We?” Yelena’s face scrunches up in confusion.
“Did you think that I’m just going to abandon you again after this?” Natasha asked and tries not to feel hurt when the look on Yelena’s face tells her yes, that she really did expect to be abandoned again. “I’m sorry for not coming back for you.”
Yelena glances away, unsure of how to handle the apology.
“I’m here now. So let’s bring down the Red Room and sort out what we’re gonna do afterward,” Natasha squeezed Yelena’s hands gently before letting them go.
Yelena quickly grips Natasha’s hands in hers again as if she was afraid that Natasha would disappear when she let go. “Promise?”
“Of course.” Natasha nods her head. “I promise.”
Yelena clicks her tongue against her teeth and then lets go of Natasha’s hands. “You’re making me mushy.”
Natasha lets out a soft laugh, preparing to pull back on the road. “You’re the one that started the conversation.”
Yelena doesn’t deny that, settling back into her chair. She rests her hand onto the console, her palm up as if she wants to touch her again but is too afraid to ask.
When they’re steady on the road again, Natasha reaches out and sets her hand on Yelena’s giving her hand a small squeeze. Neither of them mentions it.