Chapter Text
Over time you’ve forgotten what it’s like to live.
What it’s like to look forward to something—to put the hard work in, for something better, something greater, and feeling that fulfillment when you finally get there.
…
What is it like?
You’re there now.
You’ve made it.
Everyone’s happy.
. . .
But you don’t feel anything.
You stopped feeling anything a while ago.
Even when you cry yourself to sleep at night, or when you crumble to pieces on the floor when he goes, you don’t feel anything at all in the end.
It’s all just… Hazy.
Like you’re living in a dream that won’t end.
A dream where you’re watching everyone else go on with their lives. They laugh, and smile, and go about their day with Hope but it’s not real. You’re just a spectator in your own mind. Seeing what could be, but can’t.
Sometimes, you simply black out.
Maybe it’s in the middle of the night and you sleep for an entire day afterwards. Maybe it’s in the middle of game night, on a Saturday and then your brother nudges you back to consciousness again and says it’s time to go back home, (mostly) unworried because it’s become normal now.
Are you dreaming then too?
Is that all fake, too?
What is reality anymore?
What’s the difference between being lazy and…?
…
Sometimes, you catch glimpses of that world you dream about.
It’s few and far between, but… There. Gone in the next instant, but…
You see it when the sun shines. When it sets. When the stars come out at night, not obstructed by clouds, glowing as bright as they can.
You see it in the way you make someone laugh. What you say is stupid, anything you do is but somehow it always manages to make their day anyway.
You see it… In him. The way he smiles. You try to match his smile, sometimes, try to match that much enthusiasm.
You see it in the positivity he radiates even in the darkest, dreariest hour. You see it in his joy, when life treats him with the fairness you always wish for; when he’s truly appreciated for the light he brings to everything.
You see it in how he sees you.
He says you’re his favorite brother in the whole universe and you have to counter that, as you’re his only brother in the whole universe. Then he reminds you you’re also his favorite person in the whole universe—which is even sillier, but you can do nothing to change his mind about that.
He always tells you, that…
He believes in you.
You can be better. Not that you need to be, or that you’re not already good enough for him, but because he knows you think you can’t be. You think you’re not worth anything, and useless, and a pile of trash that needs to be unthinkingly, entirely discarded someone who will always mess up no matter how hard they do try. You will never be the same as him but he says that just isn’t so.
You want to believe in yourself too. You want to prove him right. You want to give yourself the benefit of the doubt.
You want all of this, to mean something to you again.
To truly, most definitely feel Hope once more.
…
But…
Despite everything,
despite him…
You can’t lie to yourself.
You gave up a long time ago. You know you can’t go back ever, ever again.
…
And,
that’s your own fault. Isn’t it?
There’s a part of you, deep in your soul that reassures you and says logically it’s not, yet how can you listen?
How can you believe when that Hope has been drained out of you?
…You can’t.
That’s the short end of it.
You’re tired of trying. If it was ever even such.
You’re tired of being broken.
You’re tired of being a mess, of being shattered into pieces on the floor left with Papyrus to pick you back up, dust you off and put you back together.
That’s not his burden to bear.
It’s not his Fight to win.
…
And you…
You’ve lost the Fight for yourself.
Nor can you get it back.
It’s over for you.
That’s why you lay in bed, now.
You can’t even find the energy to get up. Much less tell your brother goodbye.
You never planned on leaving this way, but…
You know.
If you stay like this long enough, your soul will destroy you from the inside out. If you do nothing, it’ll eventually claim you anyway.
If you make no effort, the darkness will consume you over time. You’ll fall into it and never wake up again.
You don’t exactly welcome it.
…But, you don’t care if it comes, either.
…
You don’t care.
You tried, and failed.
You’ve loved, and lost.
You let him believe in you—you let them all believe in you, and it was for nothing.
So why should you care?
Why care about any of this?
You’ll just screw up again.
You’ll…
. . .
It’s time to stop Fighting.
And you don’t.
You won’t.
…
Not anymore.