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English
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Published:
2022-01-22
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1,389
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1/1
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36
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388
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2,412

out of touch

Summary:

“Miles. Do you think I'm out of touch?” 

“Uh, what?” 

Peter gestures vaguely. “You know, like… am I old?” 

“Pete, you're twenty-six,” Miles answers, which is neither a yes or a no.

 

Peter is just slightly out of touch when it comes to the new Internet trends.

Notes:

thank you rook for the kesha line. Would Not exist without you.

(See the end of the work for more notes.)

Work Text:

“Miles,” Peter starts, stretching, and even though his face is hidden Miles can tell he's frowning. “Do you think I'm out of touch?” 

“Uh, what?” 

Peter gestures vaguely. “You know, like… am I old?” 

“Pete, you're twenty-six,” Miles answers, which is neither a yes or a no. To be fair, Peter is a good ten-ish years older than him. To Miles, he's… a little old. Certainly a full grown-up. “Where's this comin' from, man? You're insecure?” 

“I don't get anything kids say to me,” Peter sounds genuinely dejected by this. Miles holds back from laughing. “In class, they come and dance at me. It doesn't make any sense.”

“Oh, are they doing TikTok dances?” 

“There's that word again!” Peter points at him like he's holding the secrets to the universe. “TikTok. Like, isn't that the Kesha song?” 

Miles stays silent a second too long. “Pete, you're old.”

“Miles. Miles, come on,” Peter says, sounding absolutely heartbroken. Miles bursts out laughing, shooting a web up and swinging away. “Hey! Come back here! Young man, you're seriously in trouble—ah, that is so not helping me sound hip and cool!” 

As it is, most of Peter's problems stem from the fact he's gotten a new job as a science teacher and everyone else moves too fast for him. His young looks had secured the students' loyalty to him, but it is clearly backfiring on him. 

“So like, what does TikTok do?” Peter asks as a student turns in her homework. Her name's Kayla, and she's a good kid. Perhaps she won't judge Peter too harshly. 

Kayla's eyes narrow at him. “What do you mean, what does TikTok do?” 

“Yeah, like, what's it for? I'm just curious. All your classmates are talking about it, so I thought I'd ask.”

“Oh! Well, it's an app where you post videos of yourself.”

Peter frowns. “So, YouTube?” 

“No, that's different. TikTok is for shorter videos.”

“Oh, Vine. I remember that one! Wasn't that recently?” 

Kayla gives him a smile that is so painful, Peter already feels offended. “That was almost a decade ago, teach.”

“...So it's not hip anymore?” Kayla mouths a little 'sorry' at him. “Oh my God.”

“Sorry,” she says, this time out loud. “TikTok is mostly popular for short videos just… talking about something, or dancing trends, it's like a big party between all of us and doing challenges.”

Peter nods. He doesn't get it. That is the stupidest thing he's ever heard. Why would anyone just record themselves dancing? And why is it popular? 

“And sometimes it's for fun fashion trends. Like people showing off their outfits and make-up and stuff. Artists upload speedpaints or fun short animations, etcetera, etcetera. It's a fun app. But yeah, mostly dancing videos and lip syncing.”

“Lip syncing?” Peter asks, baffled. Finally, he hands Kayla her homework again. “I don't really get teenagers anymore.”

“Just download it. You'll get it. Or, I know! Me and my friends are filming a TikTok later. You should join!”

Peter blinks. “I'm your teacher. I'm twenty-six. That's clearly dinosaur age to you people.”

“Come on, you'd be the first teacher to be cool and go viral! Please?” 

He sighs so loudly his head hurts. “Fine.”

 

Peter doesn't know K-Pop. It's true. He barely listens to music, and growing up with Aunt May and Uncle Ben mean that most of Peter's music catalog is very, very old songs. He's only recently started his Britney Spears phase, but apparently that's also old, and he's a little late to everything. But now everyone is into K-Pop and Peter has not a single clue what to do with this. 

“Two, three, four, five,” another one of his students shows him the dance, once school was over, because he somehow got roped into the whole recording TikTok thing. To his credit, Jonah is a good dance teacher. And he doesn't feel too offended that Peter has never heard of this K-Pop group. “You following, teach?” 

“... Maybe,” Peter says, because God, that was a lot at once. He's not a dancer. He's Spider-Man, for God's sake. “The sooner we record this, the better.”

“Okay, we're ready. Let's start recording!” 

Peter screws up the dance. He knows he has, but the little group of students seem to have fun, and as soon as they're done they all hug Peter like he's the best teacher ever, so maybe he's doing it right! 

“Mr. Parker, you're gonna be the coolest teacher ever,” another kid, Lia, says. “Can't wait to see you go viral!” 

Somehow, Peter feels like he's signing a death sentence. 

“Miles, everyone says I dance like a dad,” Peter says, showing him the phone. 

Miles doesn't say anything again. 

“Oh my God, Miles. You think I do too!” 

“Look,” Miles says, and fails to elaborate. “It's nice? Look, Ganke saw it and he thought it was pretty good!” 

“Ganke saw it?” Peter asks, scandalized. “I made a fool out of myself in front of Ganke. ”

“Hey, he still thinks you're cool,” Miles shrugs. “Do you wanna film TikToks with us? Y'know, might help with the Spidey brand and everything.”

“You have a TikTok account.”

“Well, Spider-Man does, technically,” Miles elaborates now. Then, he adds, “But I used BrooklynSpider42 again so you can keep NYCWallcrawler if you want.”

“Aw, thanks. And thanks, but I think I filmed enough TikToks for a lifetime. I don't get them,” Peter sighs. “You know, back in my day, I was the cool, young Spider-Man that confused other superheroes with his funny references.”

Oh, here he goes again with another back in the day speech. Miles smiles under his mask. Peter is an old man. 

“Really?” Miles asks, only to entertain him. “Huh, how the times change.”

“That's what I'm saying! Like, everyone's just moving too fast. I have no time for that. Did you know that apparently Vine stopped years ago? No one told me…” 

Peter continues rambling. Miles decides to just nod along and offer his best neutral commentary. 

Peter's been picking up a faint conversation for a while now. He finally stops in front of two high schoolers who have been holding up a camera and gaping at Spider-Man like he can't see them. 

“Hey, kids,” he says, perching on top of the school bus sign. “'Sup?” 

“Spidey,” one kid—short, blond, full of life—bounces on his feet excitedly. “Isn't it so sad that Steve Jobs died of ligma?” 

The camera is still pointed at him. His Spidey sense says something is bound to happen. Peter cocks his head. “Ligma?” 

“Ligma balls!” 

The kids run off laughing and Peter stays perched for a good ten minutes. 

God. 

He's too old for this. 

“And there you have it, folks,” Jonah Jameson starts in the latest episode of his podcast as Peter swings home. “Spider-Man has gone viral for falling victim to a childish joke.”

“No way Jonah knows that joke before me!” Peter yells, to absolutely no one. He stops on top of a building, continuing listening to the podcast. 

“But is this what education in America has come to? Kids using their free time to play silly, ridiculous pranks instead of using it studying? Of course, Spider-Man is at fault for this!” 

“Literally, how is this my fault?” Peter argues to no one, again. 

“How is this Spider-Man's fault, you ask!” 

“Yeah!” 

“Easy. Spider-Man, for years, has made his entire brand to be "quirky" and "witty". He has terrible one-liners, he never shuts up during battles, and everyone applauds him for it. He has set up the example for kids to follow to be plain rude, misusing their resources and wasting precious time to come up with unfunny punchlines, much like him. Because! As I always say! He's a menace!” 

“Of course,” Peter rolls his eyes as the podcast ends. “You can't win. You just can't win them.”

“I've accepted it,” Peter says. 

Miles stops eating. Here we go again. 

“I'm out of touch. It's fine. I'll embrace it and make out of touch references. It's fine.”

“Good on you, Pete. It's good to have a brand.”

“Yeah. Plus, it's charming, somewhat. I can say Do you even lift, bro? to my opponents next.”

Miles visibly cringes. Peter celebrates excitedly. “Yes! That's the reaction I want!” 

“Pete, please.”

“It's like being an epic troll!” 

“Oh my God, Pete.”




Notes:

he's dancing to the feels by twice

peter: i used to make fun of boomers in retrospect a bit too much now all these zoomers are telling ME that I'm out of touch