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A good book will let you know when it is coming to an end.
It will have that moment where the characters are saying things that make the thinning pile of pages feel justified. Arcs come to a close and stories conclude and in your chest you don't have to check how many pages are left to know that it is almost over.
People aren't like that. Well, most people aren't like that.
If Wilbur for example were a story, it would feel like his ending was ripped out or never written. You would be left sitting with the book in your hands and the lingering feeling of dissatisfaction of an ending rushed, wondering if the author gave up or just didn’t get the chance to write it. An ending that felt warranted but somehow still void of the meaning it was meant to carry. There should be more of it but you turn the page and the next one is empty and black around the edges.
Wilbur.
Wilbur knows of The Blade. The Blade knows of the child he met a lifetime ago. Techno keeps him at arm's length when they meet in this server. If he hadn't maybe his last memory of him could be something different to his lifeless body in Phil's arms.
Any other ending would have been preferable.
If his death was unavoidable Techno would have killed him himself if he could turn back time. Even if it meant Phil would hate him for the rest of their days, Techno would have taken it. Anything alternate option was preferable to the shadow that hasn't left his friend's eyes since that day.
Flying is forbidden on this server. When Techno arrived he made a note of this rule and never intended for Philza to set a foot on this damn place, dreading what the owner of the server would do to his wings since it was unlikely Philza would have heeded the warning to remain grounded for too long. Such is his nature.
In the end Dream doesn't have to do anything, they were clipped in the explosion. Whenever Techno looks at Phil, he sees him carrying his wings as if they are a dead weight, holding him down. They are not paralyzed, Techno has seen them react instinctively in many occasions, either swatting at an enemy or flapping to help Phil balance. No, they drag because lifting them is too much effort and Philza is too tired to spare any energy on them. He can't escape anyway.
They stay on Dream’s world. Here they can pretend that the no flying rule is the reason Phil walks beside him instead of soaring overhead like he used to.
*
Doomsday comes and as Phil stands onto the obsidian grid summoning withers, his wings spread for the first time after Wilbur’s death. He is a sight to behold among the destruction he delivers and he laughs. This is nothing new. Techno and Phil had laughed their way through destruction before countless times. It was second nature to crack jokes as they pillaged and conquered, but this is different. Phil's laughter sounds wrong.
For once Techno is grateful for Tommy's presence. He doesn't want to look. He doesn't want to see the expression of the man had holds so dear as he makes that twisted sound. It is laughter but it isn't. It is the manic sound of a thing too broken as it begins falling apart. Techno recognized the moment Tommy looks at Philza and sees Wilbur.
Techno doesn't look because he knows he will see the same.
He can't help but wonder if this was how Tommy felt as he watched Wilbur slowly lose his sanity.
*
Ranboo lives with them now and it is a comforting presence for Techno. His company and help are appreciated but it is the looks he gives him occasionally that make Techno feel less lonely.
Phil speaks and Ranboo listens and he observes. Nothing unusual, nothing anyone would have made a big deal out of, but Techno sees the concerned gleam in Ranboo's eyes and he knows that he knows. Ranboo can see that Philza’s smiles are just a surface learned habit as he is silently crumbling behind it too. Ranboo's meaningful glances feel like a wordless question, asking him if he is going to do something, or maybe why isn't.
Techno doesn’t know what to do.
*
If Philza were a story, he is a well written one.
This is the point where Techno doesn't have to check how many pages are left to know it is coming to an end.
Techno isn’t the type of person that would give up easily or let things that displease him take their toll without fighting back, but some battles are out of your league. You don't get where he is in life without learning to recognize your weaknesses. He tries to reach out and pull him back but he doesn’t have the words or the power. Isn’t it funny? The Blood God, The Blade, the titles that invoked fear in the hearts of men, that overthrew governments and took over worlds has finally met his match. He has no power here, this is not something he can crash, or slice or fix and trying proves pointless. It is like grasping at air. It feels like the portrait of a departed loved one has been knocked off the wall and putting it back to its place doesn’t bring them back.
They talk and communicate but the words are empty. Techno tells him how much he means hoping something will get through but everything he says fall flat between them. Phil smiles, thanks him and then he is lost again.
Technoblade wants to scream every time, but he humors him because this seems to be the best he can do for him at the moment.
Phil is alive but he isn't. He is there but he isn't.
Techno realizes he is already mourning him and he hates it.
His dearest friend continues to laugh and joke and speak his wisdom but it sounds like the echo of a foggy memory. His eyes are glassy and distant and they haven't focused on Techno since the fall of L'manburg. They pass through him like they can't see him anymore, searching beyond him for something that isn’t there.
Any life left in Philza's eyes dulls away when Ghostbur appears. Technoblade wants to hate the damn thing for what it is doing to his friend but it is near impossible to hate something so sweet and innocent. He learns to embrace it and the guilt that overcomes him in the presence of the ghost. He could have stopped this. He could have stopped them both.
Techno almost wishes it would end.
Almost.
He is not ready to say goodbye, even though deep inside he knows he already has. Phil is just taunting him by still being there physically and it is a struggle for both of them.
Techno wonders how selfish it is of him to not want him gone when he can see how he is suffering. He doesn't sleep, he doesn't cry, he smiles through his day and it is a trained expression set to default. Techno wants to tell him he doesn't have to pretend in front of him but he knows that Phil is hanging on that. He is not pretending tor Techno’s sake, he is pretending for his own.
Maybe one day they'll both believe him.
*
Phil is beautiful, always has been.
Not so much in the sense of appearance but rather in the way Techno perceives him.
Techno met Philza as a legend of folk tales that in a surreal way somehow became his friend. They walked by each others side ever since but Techno never outgrew the overwhelmed emotions that old warrior inspired in him. Loyalty and trust there like no other. Philza's regal presence had taken his breath away when he first saw him. As part of his life, Technoblade could feel his ribs ache at the adoration and fondness that grew to this day.
Phil had his back in battle and told him what he needed to hear when he was in doubt. He would sooth the voices, lulling him to sleep under the safety of his wing and the warmth of the light he seemed to exude.
That light is gone now.
The shell of a man Techno looks at daily is merely what’s left of the person he adored but his loyalty towards him remains unwavering.
Until Philza breaths his last, Techno will stay by his side.
*
Wilbur is revived.
Technoblade doesn’t know how to feel about this or the sense of relief he feels at the prospect of being able to bring a loved one back.
Phil is overjoyed with Wilbur's return and Techno has never seen a person more broken and desperate before.
Phil's hands shake as he joyfully tells him the news. He smiles and he trembles and he looks so close to falling apart. One nudge would be all it would take for Phil's fragile state of mind to snap. The grin looks more like a grimace and Techno can almost hear wheels in Phil's brain working overtime to process the emotions he is going through.
For the first time in weeks Phil looks alive but it is not joy that fuels him. It is fear and anxiety. It is moving him the same way an electrocution would make a cadaver twist and spasm.
There is no way for Techno to know exactly what is going through Philza’s head, especially since he is tiptoeing around the subject but now and then something slips. If you put together the puzzle pieces you got the general picture.
He wants to say sorry but he doesn’t know how. He wants to be forgiven but he doesn’t think he deserves it. He wants to pretend Wilbur’s death didn’t happen, but he remembers. He wants to be a good father but he doesn’t think he ever was. He wants to pretend Wilbur is the sweet child that once upon a time would tug on his feathers to proudly show him the new song he wrote, but it is plain as day that this was a lifetime ago, lost in the past. He wants to protect him this time but he knows Wilbur is his own biggest threat. He wants to pretend he doesn’t see Wilbur heading down the same path that led to his death but he had never been naïve.
Philza wants to be a better man and Wilbur doesn’t.
Techno wishes he had stayed dead.
Philza might have been far from peaceful, barely coping but at least there was no uncertainty of things to come. This is worse. Wilbur's ending is getting rewritten and neither he nor his father are alright.
Techno knows it is a matter of time before someone snaps.
In typical family fashion he expects it to come in the form of an explosion and death like last time. If he is foolish enough to hope, maybe he can imagine something less drastic but it feels unlikely. Technoblade has watched Phil follow into his son's self destructive footsteps and he is terrified and resigned of where this will lead.
He wants to pretend he is ready to watch it go down and for this charade to end. Maybe if they were left just as stories to be told they could finally be at peace.
*
If Techno were a story his ending would be hand-written.
It could be in his bed at the snowed cabin or in the heat of battle or somewhere else, but it would be his choice. The only fixed point to his conclusion would be the motivation and destination, set up on the piles of chapters that came before it. Techno had followed Philza to the ends of the Earth, Death’s realm didn’t sound any more challenging. Maybe on the same page as him, maybe many chapters later, he would follow.
If Techno were a story Philza’s name would be in the last paragraph and that would make it complete.