Chapter Text
“Careful,” Yoongi says, holding out an arm as they step off the train. People push past them and Jimin stumbles into Yoongi’s shoulder, almost dropping their bags before Yoongi helps steady him. It’s always chaotic when they come to visit Jisoo and Seokjin. The hustle and bustle of the city far outpaces that of West Oak and it takes Jimin a few days to get used to the sheer number of people.
Seokjin is waiting for them on the platform, cutting a familiar face in the sea of strangers as he waves at them both, walking forward to help them with their bags and lead them over to a bored-looking driver and his equally bored horse.
“You must both be exhausted,” Seokin says as he tucks blankets around Jimin’s legs and stows their bags underfoot. “Don’t worry, it won’t take us long to get home.”
It’s not the first time they’ve been to visit Seokjin and Jisoo in the three years since they’ve mated but the streets are always changing, new shopfronts appearing and disappearing just as quickly. It’s a relief when the familiar red brick of the tavern comes into view and Jimin’s whole body aches with the need for a cup of tea and a soft mattress after hours on the hard seats of the train.
Yoongi takes Jimin’s hand as they climb the stairs to Jisoo and Seokjin’s apartment above the tavern. It’s a small place but cosy enough, artfully decorated to make it feel bigger than it is. Jisoo greets them both warmly, unwrapping Jimin’s scarf from around his neck before pulling him into a hug.
“We’ve missed you,” she says, flashing a smile that lights up her whole face.
They don't stay up late that first night, both Yoongi and Jimin tired from their early start and the long train journey which had brought them to the city. The apartment is surprisingly quiet despite facing a busy street but it still takes Jimin a long time to fall asleep, ears latching onto the faint sounds of laughter and shouting that spill out onto the street. When he does find sleep, it is punctuated by dreams of being swept away in a jostling crowd of people, arms outstretched as he tries to reach for Yoongi.
❖
Their days here are numbered but Yoongi and Jimin spend the first getting used to being back, something Jisoo fully supports as she plies them with biscuits and black coffee.
“You’re here for a week and a half,” she says firmly. “No need to rush into things.” Still, Yoongi suggests going for a walk before dinner and Jimin agrees despite his aching back and heavy eyes.
Threading their fingers together, they make their way down to the street. There is filthy snow piled against the curbs, stained with muck, and they avoid the greasy puddles along the footpath.
“I always forget the stink,” Yoongi mutters, wrinkling his nose as they pass an alley with three or four tanneries. Jimin nods, laughing when Yoongi narrowly avoids stepping onto a rotten cabbage that must have rolled off of someone’s cart.
The last time they’d come here they’d discovered a small park tucked around next to a church and they head there now. It’s quiet in the park, the pathways lit by the warm glow of street lamps. The only other people here are on their way home, faces set with purpose whilst Jimin and Yoongi have the luxury of strolling the snowy paths without urgency. They don’t speak much, content with each other and the soft puff of their breath in the freezing night.
“Seokjin said there’s a new bookstore near the tavern,” Yoongi says, swinging their linked arms gently to and fro as they round another bend in the path. “We could go tomorrow?”
“I’d like that.” Jimin smiles, already picturing vast shelves of books in front of him. He’s read every book at the farm, many of them twice over except for the more boring ones discussing farming practises and horsemanship. They’ve added to the collection on rare occasions when they knew of someone looking to sell a few books getting dusty on their shelves but, without a bookstore in West Oak, there’s no real chance to find something specific. It’s been years since Jimin has been in a proper bookstore.
Yoongi hums under his breath as they walk and Jimin presses a quick kiss to the back of his hand.
❖
They rise early the next morning, keen to start the day. There are things to be bought in the city that cannot be found in Neil Watson's store back in West Oak and so they prepare to stock up on what they can while they have the time. While Yoongi fiddles around in a tack store buying a new set of reins and an expensive metal pin for the plough, Jimin spends an exhaustive amount of time purchasing swathes of fabric to be turned into new shirts and trousers for them both. After a moment's hesitation, he adds fabrics for a tablecloth and fresh curtains for their bedroom as well. By the time he's finished, his arms are full and Yoongi is standing outside.
"We'd better drop all this off before we continue," Yoongi says, warily eyeing the stack of slippery paper parcels and reaching forward to grab one as it slips out of Jimin's grasp.
"I think that'd be a good idea," Jimin replies, wincing when another two parcels cascade onto the cobblestones. Yoongi ends up carrying most of them.
The bookstore proves as magical as Jimin had expected. There aren’t many people inside when Jimin and Yoongi enter the store, a tinny jangle of a bell announcing their presence before the door swings shut behind them and the sounds of the street are instantly muffled. It smells of paper and leather, sometimes a sharp tang of glue when Jimin breathlessly cracks a new cover open.
He forgets about Yoongi, wandering down narrow aisles filled from floor to ceiling with books. Jimin can’t keep his hands off them, wanting to touch, to feel, to experience the smooth edges and gold embossing for himself. The books are certainly expensive and Jimin winces at the labels glued onto the shelves, heart sinking a little in his chest. He’d hoped to buy a few to take home but after only purchasing battered, second-hand books unearthed from the depths of people’s cupboards, he’s forgotten what a new book really costs.
It’s not that they can’t afford it. They live well within their means and the farm has been turning over quite a decent profit for years but Jimin still struggles with spending any money on things he considers frivolous.
“Found any you like?” Yoongi asks in Jimin’s ear, making him jump a little. He flushes, pulling back from the shelves and shoving his hands into his pockets.
“Just looking,” he replies, turning away when Yoongi fixes him with a knowing look.
“I hope you’re not worrying about prices.”
“No,” Jimin lies, reluctantly smiling when Yoongi tickles his sides in a clear rejection of his untruth.
“At least choose three or four,” Yoongi says, reaching out to pick up a thin green book stacked on top of some others. “The Perennial Garden,” he reads aloud, pulling a face that has Jimin laughing despite himself.
“Not interesting enough for you?” He teases.
“I’m going to find something better and so should you.” Yoongi darts in, pecking Jimin’s lips before he’s turning around to look at another aisle.
Jimin turns back to the books in front of him and sighs, pushing down the guilt in his gut and forcing himself to take up Yoongi’s direction. As he’s gotten older he’s moved away from only adventure stories. He’s read a few romance novels which weren’t so good but just as many which had him captivated, gripped in angst as he waited to see if the protagonist found true love. Maybe because love is something Jimin can now understand; loving Yoongi is as necessary as breathing.
There is no clock in the store but Jimin spends probably close to forty minutes drifting through the different aisles, occasionally catching glimpses of Yoongi talking to the shopkeeper and later on waiting patiently in a chair with his hat over his eyes. He picks up a few books, puts others down, dithering until he has two books clutched to his chest and a third tucked under his arm.
Right at the back of the store is a smaller set of shelves filled with bigger, brightly coloured books. They’re children's books and Jimin’s feet carry him forward before he can stop himself. The stories are richly illustrated and he flicks through the pages, tracing the ink lines as tales of adventure and friendship play out in the pictures.
“I didn’t see these earlier,” Yoongi murmurs from behind him and Jimin turns, catching the fond look in his husband’s eyes with a surge of guilt.
“I thought I’d get one for Taehyung,” he suggests quietly. “He’d love these if he was here and the baby isn’t too far away.”
“Mm.” Yoongi holds up a book with a rabbit embossed on the cover that makes Jimin smile. They stand there quietly, shoulder to shoulder until Jimin finds one he thinks Taehyung will appreciate.
“A Boat Beneath A Sunny Sky,” he reads, showing Yoongi. “It’s sweet.”
“I’m sure Taehyung and the pup will love it when it’s old enough to read.” Yoongi huffs a wry laugh, briefly thumbing the edge of the book. Jimin nods and tucks it under his arm with the other books.
“Did you find anything else you liked?” He asks Yoongi, turning away to walk over to the register.
“Two.” Yoongi’s voice doesn’t follow behind and Jimin looks back at him. He’s holding another book in his hands. “What about you?”
“Three plus the one for Tae.” Jimin hefts his books onto the counter.
Yoongi comes to join him, placing a rather solid hardcover next to Jimin’s stack. Lunar Farming.
“Lunar farming?”
“I thought it looked interesting.” Yoongi shrugs, smiling sheepishly. “The shopkeeper suggested it.”
“What about that?” Jimin points at the second book still in Yoongi’s hand, chest constricting when he sees what sort of book it is. “We already have one for Taehyung.”
“It’s not for Taehyung.” Yoongi places the thin book on top of Lunar Farming. Jimin’s eyes run over the title. The Velveteen Rabbit. One of his favourites and a childhood classic.
“Who’s it for then?” He asks tightly, knowing the answer despite himself. Yoongi winds their fingers together.
“For our own little pup,” he says softly, holding a little tighter onto Jimin’s hand when he tries to pull away. “Please don’t be upset.”
“I’m not upset,” Jimin says but his voice is wavering. The guilt from earlier only strengthens. “We can always give it to Taehyung.”
“We—don’t say that like you’re giving up.” Yoongi tugs him forward, wrapping an arm around Jimin’s waist. “We’ve got time, we’re going to see someone. It’s not over.”
“I’m not giving up.” Jimin lets himself be held, gut twisting, conflicted. He’s not giving up. He’s not.
They leave the bookstore with emptier pockets but heavier bags, the books wrapped in clean paper and tied with string. Seokjin and Jisoo are expecting them back for lunch so Yoongi and Jimin wander their way through the streets, elbows linked. The city moves around them in a flurry of action and Jimin holds on a little tighter to Yoongi. Both of them are quiet and the books weigh heavier on Jimin’s heart than they do his arm.
“I haven’t given up,” he mumbles in Yoongi’s ear, four blocks from the bookstore. It makes his husband pause, stopping to look at Jimin.
“I didn’t mean it like that.” There are more lines around Yoongi’s eyes than there were a few years ago but they soften just the same.
“I know—I just—just needed to make sure.” Jimin manages a smile, leaning forward to wrap his arms around Yoongi’s waist. “I want it so much,” he whispers into Yoongi’s neck.
“If it’s meant to be, it’ll be.” Yoongi’s voice is a soothing balm to the ache in Jimin’s heart.
“It’ll be,” he says with an air of confidence he wishes he felt. He pulls back, hooking his arm around Yoongi’s once more as Yoongi smiles, nodding slowly.
“It’ll be.”
❖
“How far along is Taehyung now?” Jisoo asks Jimin as they walk through the park a few days later.
“Almost five months,” Jimin tells her, focusing on the way his shoes crack through the ice. He can feel Jisoo looking at him, her gaze practically burning the side of his face.
“When did he tell you?”
“After the three month mark.” Jimin swallows. “He wanted to be sure, after—you know?” He smiles softly to himself. “He and Hoseok are so excited. They’re going to be amazing parents.”
“Their pup is going to be so high-energy,” Jisoo says with a chuckle. She hugs Jimin’s arm a little closer, swaying them in tandem as they walk slowly through the trees. For a long moment, she doesn’t say anything and Jimin ends up flicking a glance her way.
“You can say it. It’s alright.” Jisoo looks torn but Jimin just shrugs, looking away before the hollow feeling in his chest manifests itself on his face.
“Is it hard?” Jisoo asks eventually. “With everything?”
“I’m happy for them,” Jimin reassures, not really answering the question. “They were ready for a pup and now they’ll have one—how could I not be happy?”
“Well…” Jisoo trails off meaningfully. “Even if you’re happy for them, it must’ve been hard news to hear.”
“It’s not about us—I don’t want it to be about us.” Jimin swallows thickly. “I don’t want Taehyung to feel like he can’t talk about it. He shouldn’t have to be careful just because—” he cuts himself off. “He was so sweet but I could see on his face that he was holding back and I hated it. It’s not about how we feel.”
“No, it’s not,” Jisoo agrees. “But that’s life. Taehyung and Hoseok have known you both for years now and they know how difficult it’s been, how much you’ve both wanted this. Even if you pretend it’s fine, they’re always going to be careful.”
“It is fine.” Jimin’s heart twists. “I’m not jealous or—or—I don’t begrudge them their happiness.”
“No one would think that of you.” Jisoo pats Jimin’s arm gently.
They carry on walking in comfortable silence but Jimin’s mind is tangled into knots, a dizzying mess of guilt and sadness. Jisoo seems to catch his vibe and she tries to lift his spirits.
“Are you looking forward to the appointment on Friday? The clinic is meant to be very good and they were so kind when I went in to make the appointment for you and Yoongi.” Jimin nods, even as his stomach sinks.
“At least we’ll have some answers.”
“Don’t look so sad,” Jisoo tells him comfortingly. “They’ve helped so many people—I’m sure they’ll be able to help you and Yoongi as well.” Jimin laughs wrly.
“It’s not Yoongi that’s the issue,” he says, unable to keep the bitterness out of his voice.
“You don’t know that.” Jisoo’s tone is reproachful. “There are plenty of reasons—”
“We were successful twice,” Jimin interrupts. “It was me that couldn’t keep them.”
“Jimin.” She sounds so sad. “You’re so hard on yourself.”
“It’s the truth.” Jimin shrugs, flashing a humourless smile in Jisoo’s direction. She doesn’t seem to know what to say and Jimin sighs. “Sorry, I didn’t mean to—” he gestures vaguely, unsure what he’s even apologising for but feeling like he should anyway. The ever present guilt in his chest only increases.
He wonders what it felt like not to feel this way but he honestly can’t remember.
There are far too many people around them as they wait in the queue outside the theatre. Yoongi feels like he gets more sensitive to chaos the older he gets and the pushing and shoving occurring around him is enough to give him a headache. He wishes he was like Seokjin and had the presence not to be caught up in the throngs but while his brother looks completely at ease, Yoongi just feels like building a fence around himself to mark out even an increment of personal space.
He flinches when fingers dig sharply into his arm but it’s just Jimin, knocked into his elbow by an older woman strutting through the crowd, plumes of gaudy feathers jutting from her head. Yoongi steadies his husband and glares at her retreating back.
“Down, tiger,” Seokjin teases, clearly noticing Yoongi’s displeasure. “We’ll be inside soon.”
“We better be,” Yoongi grumbles, wrapping an arm around Jimin’s waist before he gets knocked around once more. Seokjin’s reply is interrupted by Jisoo appearing through the crowd, elegantly elbowing her fair share of people as she holds the programs she’d gone to get above her head.
“There’s one for each of us,” she says, shoving them into Yoongi’s chest with unbridled enthusiasm as Seokjin laughs behind her.
It’s much better once they’re inside, seated with clear views of the stage as the murmur of people filing into the theatre swells in the open space. Jimin is transfixed by the ornate detailing on the walls and the rich velvet of the curtain below them.
“It’s beautiful,” he breathes in Yoongi’s ear, pointing out an array of frolicking cherubs painted onto the ceiling.
“You’re beautiful,” Yoongi replies cheesily, grinning when Jimin swats his arm but looks pleased anyway.
The lights eventually dim, the buzz of chatter slowly dying down, and Yoongi leans forward as the curtain begins to lift. They’re attending a dance show—something Yoongi has never been to in his life—but Seokjin and Jisoo had assured them the city’s performers would be entertaining even to the untrained eye. The way Jimin’s eyes had lit up at the prospect was enough for Yoongi to agree to go.
Yoongi doesn’t follow much of the storyline as the show begins, happy to just enjoy the lilting piano and the smooth movements of the twenty-something willowy dancers below them. There are villains with dark cloaks that have the whole audience gasping dramatically and Jimin is right there with them, completely immersed as he stares down at the stage and clutches Yoongi’s hand with an iron grip. The villains are eventually chased away by a hero in a sparkling embroidered cape who leaps and jumps all over the stage, performing impressive spins that make Yoongi dizzy just watching.
Jimin never looks away from the stage the entire time. He sits on the edge of the seat, endearingly captivated by the show and completely deaf to anything else around him. It makes Yoongi happy to see his husband without the constant stress lines on his face that he’s grown used to seeing these past months. By the time the intermission is upon them, Jimin is smiling wider than a child in a candy store.
“They’re amazing,” he says in hushed tones, finally turning away from the stage. “How do they dance like that?”
“I have no idea but it’s very impressive.” Yoongi smiles at him, delighted at Jimin’s sparkling eyes and rosy cheeks. “It’s a shame there’s nothing like this in West Oak.”
“Just another excuse to visit us more often,” Seokjin says jovially, leaning over Yoongi to grin at Jimin. “There’s a new show every year if you’re interested.”
“That would mean coming back to the city more often,” Jimin says, pulling a face. “As much as I love seeing you both, I think I would go crazy.”
“You and Yoongi are terrible influences on each other,” Jin says, sitting back with a laugh. “Hermits, the both of you! But I guess I feel the same way about the farm. Too much time there and I miss the city life.”
“I do wish there were things like this in West Oak,” Jimin says, voice filled with longing as he looks down at the curtain.
“At least this way it’s special.” Yoongi plays with Jimin’s hand, interlocking their fingers. “It wouldn’t be so special if you could see it all the time.”
“True.” Jimin scrunches his nose, laughing a little. “Can you imagine something as nice as this in the middle of the fields?”
“Is this a good enough ending to your visit?” Jisoo asks them both. “Worth the long journey?”
“Of course.” Jimin smiles but Yoongi can see the edges of his mouth tightening. He knows exactly what his husband must be thinking about. They’d scheduled their appointment at the clinic for the last full day in the city—the true ending of their visit, although perhaps not such a good one. Jimin’s stress has been almost palpable for weeks, bubbling just under the surface.
“I’m sure we’ll remember it,” Yoongi says, sitting back as people around them start returning to their seats. He doesn’t let go of Jimin’s hand, rubbing soothing circles over his fingers until Jimin relaxes once more, some of that stress softening around his mouth.
Yoongi crosses his fingers and prays that tomorrow will bring the answers they’ve been searching for, and subsequently, bring happiness back into Jimin’s eyes.
It's been too long. Far too long.