Work Text:
Seungyoon woke with a start, the hard sofa of Mino's recording room against his body making him groan. Through his sleepy eyes he could see Mino sitting pensively on the spinning chair in front of his computer, lyrics notes and blaring monitor all abandoned. The barely made melodies on his music software played on a loop.
It sounded wrenching.
"You okay, man?"
Mino didn't answer, his face contorted in a frown like he was trying to remember a distant memory. He never answered these days.
"We can continue tomorrow. It's too late and I'm tired. Let's just sleep now," Seungyoon tried again. At the word sleep, Mino whipped his head to face Seungyoon. He looked at him blearily, dark circles the most prominent feature of his visage. Seungyoon internally winced.
"I can't."
The words were plain and the tone was flat but it broke Seungyoon's heart all the same.
"Not even with the new medicine?" he asked. Mino shook his head mutely. The familiar empty look taking its place behind his eyes as he swivelled back in his chair. He stared at his lyrics note without moving. Seungyoon tried to say something, fumbling with a few right and nods, but they both knew it was a futile attempt. What do you say to a grieving man after all?
The silence stretched on the stuffy room but nobody made any move. It was the way they operated these days. He would come to Mino’s studio and watch him work, Mino would ask his opinions on a few things, and then they’ll fall into a loud silence. Seungyoon didn’t make any comments and Mino didn’t say anything but the both of them knew there really was no need for him to visit the studio every night.
“I’m going to go for a smoke,” Mino announced after a few minutes. He didn’t ask for Seungyoon to come with him, especially considering the man didn’t even smoke, but Seungyoon followed him out to the rooftop anyway.
***
There was something positively icy on their company’s rooftop no matter what season it was, so Seungyoon pulled his jacket tighter as he made his way to where Mino stood. Seungyoon leaned on the railing with his elbow on top of it as Mino pulled out his cigarette and lit it up carefully, sporting the same pose as him. Seungyoon observed him intently, saying nothing at the way Mino’s chest seemed to contract painfully with each inhale of the cigarette. They stayed like that without a word and Seungyoon was half expecting for them to head back inside just as silently as they were right now.
“Do you think the afterlife’s a nice place?” Mino asked suddenly in between an inhale, his eyes glued to the view beneath them, city lights and moving cars. A dull alarm sounded behind Seungyoon’s mind but he remained calm, directing his stare to where Mino did.
“It must be.. that’s how they are supposed to be, right?” Seungyoon wasn’t sure who he was convincing.
“Is it? So it must be fun in there,” Mino replied lightly. The alarm in Seungyoon’s head pounded louder as he averted his sight from the parking lot right beneath them. He chose to gaze right into the dark Seoul sky, something heavy creeping on his chest. “She… she’s without me there. That's not.. fun,” Mino continued and Seungyoon tried to stop himself from swaying. He suddenly felt dizzy. Seungyoon hadn’t even realize how obvious it was that his body tightened until Mino let out a small laugh. Seungyoon frowned.
“I pray everyday now,” Mino said after his laughter subsided. His words had gotten somber again. “In so many words and then nothing at all, just staring at my clasped hands and said His name over and over.”
Mino lit his second cigarette of the night, the first one already stomped and abandoned on the ground.
“Because… I think He’d already known what I wanted to ask, since I only ever asked for one thing. It’s ridiculous to say the full prayer when He never replied. But I guess at least He doesn’t say anything ridiculous,” Mino shrugged, “You know, that doctor I saw the other day started advising me to let go, whatever that means,” Mino continued to speak as though Seungyoon wasn’t really there. He took an inhale of his cigarette, blowing the smoke out the open air.
“I can’t remember her voice these days. Or even exactly how she looks like,” Mino mused gruffly as he shook his cigarette with his index finger. The ashes grazed his fourth finger but he did not wince nor seemed to care. It would leave a mark tomorrow, Seungyoon was certain.
"Isn’t that letting go enough?” Mino’s voice was harsh. He looked younger then, younger than the superstar he was supposed to be. He looked like the boy Seungyoon first met years ago ━the one that was filled with rage at the way the world seemed to never grant any of his wishes. But then, he was still that boy for her, forever now that she’s flied too close to the sun and disappeared from Mino’s life.
Seungyoon still see him looking at her old pictures in his phone and letting out a smile that never appeared anywhere else.
Seungyoon never said anything anyway.
“You can’t...,” Seungyoon tried, “I mean, it’s just that. You know. We… we’re all here for you,” Seungyoon concluded firmly, not quite saying the words he wanted to. We need you here.
I need you.
Please, don’t let me get lost.
And in the most selfish part of his heart, please don’t let me be you.
I can’t afford that.
The desperation must’ve shown in his words anyway because Mino bursted out into another laugh at it. It wasn’t the gentle smile that Seungyoon only ever wish to be for him, but it was better than the usual gloom behind his eyes. Seungyoon scoffed. Mino would always know him best, Seungyoon mused silently, though he wasn’t sure of the reverse.
“You know she used to say that too,” Mino followed up casually after his laughter died down. Something heavy fell down Seungyoon’s stomach once again. He felt just like the boy who had to replace another injured boy to be a leader, bracing himself for something he was too young to bear. He held his breath unconsciously.
(It was starting to become a habit he hated.)
“But don’t worry, I know I can’t,” Mino said after a few seconds with a mischievous gleam in his eyes, “beside, who’s gonna compose the best songs of this century if not me?”
And Seungyoon let out a relieved laugh at that, for the first time letting the fresh night air filling his lungs. The heavy thing in his chest reduced in weight the longer he let his laughter out. It might’ve sounded a tad histerical too because then Mino looked at him with an amused (and worried) smile, but Seungyoon couldn’t care less. Because while he was still the boy who had to smile while the world rest its weight on his shoulders, Mino was also still the injured boy who promised him that he will be there to split the weight when it got too heavy to carry.
And even when the years had passed faster than he could count, the problems no longer as simple as making the right choreography for a new song, the feelings no longer as full and fiery as it was when they were just boys ready to achieve their dreams, Seungyoon still believed in Mino’s promise. He had to, because what is there left for him if not this?
Because Mino had never broken his promise before. Because he never gave him a reason to doubt. And if Seungyoon ignored the way his eyes drastically dropped to the parking lot too often, the way his melodies were unfinished more often than it was finished, or the way his medicine never worked and he kept taking them at a stronger dose, then maybe they would be okay.
No promises would be broken.
Seungyoon stopped himself from trying to ask Mino for a pinky promise and never letting his finger go.
Mino playfully elbowed him on the side. Seungyoon chuckled and let him do it once again.
They walked back inside, Seungyoon staring at Mino’s relaxed back.
They’ll be okay.
And if they won't be, he’ll do anything to make it happen.