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On the warm LA night of February 21st, 2012, Walter the muppet was by no means alone. He had plenty of friends and family. He wasn’t even alone at home, having spent the last 6 months sleeping on Gary and Mary’s pullout couch.
“How much longer is he going to be here? You promised me two weeks.” Mary whispered to Gary from the kitchen. The two peered through the doorway at where Walter sat on the living room couch.
“Shhh. He’s in a very emotionally vulnerable state right now.” Gary whispered back.
“One more week, Gary! I mean it this time.”
“Okay, okay!”
So no, Walter wasn’t alone.
But that didn’t mean he wasn’t lonely.
Pushed forward by Mary, Gary eased up to the couch, awkwardly leaning his gangly limbs over the armrest. “Heeeeeey buddy. Walter. My man. My brother. My-”
“What is it, Gary? I’m busy on Felter,” Walter said, not looking up from his phone as he aimlessly swiped left through the dating app, passing through a never-ending sea of felt pigs, frogs, and other muppets of unknown varieties.
“Well, I was just thinking- we’ve loved having you here so, so much. So much so that we really want you to- uh-”
“To leave!” Mary hollered from the kitchen.
“Whenever you’re ready, of course!!” Gary shot Mary a glare. “But like… do you think you could be ready soon?”
“How soon? I’m in a very emotionally vulnerable state right now, Gary,” Walter replied, finally looking up from his phone.
“I know that! I do. So maybe like… a week?” Gary flashed Walter his best smile. Walter did not return it.
“I don’t know…”
“Look Walter, I know things ended roughly with…” Gary trailed off.
“You can say his name, Gary. Animal and I just had different needs, is all. I’m over it. See?” Walter held up his Felter app.
“Okay, I might be dumb, Walter, but I’m not stupid. I know you haven’t swiped right on a single puppet in over a week.”
“We prefer muppet, nowadays,” Walter said, giving Gary a stink eye. “We’ve had this discussion before-”
“Sorry, sorry! Walter I just- All I want to know is how I, and Mary-”
“Not and Mary!” Mary called out from the kitchen.
“-can help you find the muppet of your dreams.” Gary pleaded, getting down on his knees. “While also moving out of our house.”
“You can’t, Gary.”
“If you would just show me that you’re really trying and not only swiping left on every puppet-”
“MUPPET!”
“MUPPET, SORRY- every muppet you see, then maybe I,” Gary cupped his hands around his mouth, whispering the next bit, “and Mary, would feel a bit better about this whole thing.”
Walter looked at his groveling brother and rolled his eyes. “Fine. How can I show you I’m actually trying?”
Gary grinned. “Swipe right on the next muppet you see, and ask them on a date.”
“Are you insane?” Walter exclaimed. “What if they’re ugly? Or worse… someone I know?”
“Guess you’ll have to roll the dice and see!”
Walter shook his head. “You’re lucky you’re my brother. I would’ve thrown you out of the house years ago otherwise.”
“What- I own this place-”
“Okay, here goes…” Walter tapped his phone, wiping his fuzzy finger across the screen. He and Gary both crowded in closer as a new profile appeared:
Timrek The Frog
Age: 25
Species: Frog
Color: Green
Marital Status: Divorced
Likes: Flies, long walks in the swamp, playing the banjo, singing about my feelings
Dislikes: Pigs (this frog has had enough bacon for a lifetime), rich oil barons, Russian gulags
“Timrek. Wow,” Said Gary. “Sounds exotic.”
“He’s… hot. From what I can see, of course.” Walter stared down at the picture. The black of the turtleneck sweater perfectly complemented Timrek’s vibrant green felt. The only thing missing was his head, every photo cut off right where his thick neck morphed into his face.
“Aaaaaaand…” Gray reached out, flicking his finger across the screen, “Swipe!”
“GARY!”
“You promised!”
“Whatever. It’s not like we’re even gonna-”
Walter’s phone dinged. The two looked down at the screen.
~ IT’S A MATCH MADE IN FUREAVEN! ~
“That joke is terrible,” Gary said.
“Oh my god. Is this real?” Walter gaped at the screen.
“It’s about to be. Message him, you said you would! Ask him on a-”
“Okay, okay!” Walter said, taking in a deep breath as he slowly typed out his message-
Suddenly, Gary’s finger pounded on the screen.
“SEND!”
Woosh! The message went off…
WalterWhistler64: Hi! Your green
“OH MY GOD YOU- YOU-” Walter shook with rage, his little felty arms flopping all over the place. “YOU STUPID WHORE!!!! YOU OVERSIZED TOILET BRUSH! YOU- YOU-”
DING!
Walter paused in his tirade, looking down at the screen.
TimrekTheFrog: Hey.
Just then, Walter fainted dramatically. “Oh, uh- Mary!” Gary hollered, “Get the smelling salts! Quickly!”
Mary ran into the room, holding a bottle of Vicks Vapor Rub and a pair of handcuffs. “If we act quickly enough, we could shove him into one of the suitcases, load him on the truck, and have him to the pier by-”
“NOT HELPING, MARY!!” Gary screamed.
TimrekTheFrog: …
“Oh look Walter, he’s writing back!” Gary yelped, shaking Walter like a ragdoll.
DING!
Walter shot up like a rocket, his little plastic eyeballs glued to the screen.
TimrekTheFrog: Nice to meet you.
It’s *you’re green, by the way.
“I could throttle you, Gary.” Walter hissed.
“Aw, thanks. That’s sweet. Oh, oh, look!!! Three dots! Three dots!”
DING!
TimrekTheFrog: Table for two.
You and I. Tomorrow night.
I’ll send the details.
“Wow, how forward,” Gary exclaimed with a blush.
“WHAT DO I SAY WHAT DO I SAY GARY WHAT DO I-” Walter screeched as Gary rolled his eyes, grabbing the phone.
Woosh!
WalterWhistler64: See ya there, buddy!
Walter stared down at the response, growing woozy.
“You’re so lucky the manslaughter charges in this state are life without… parole…”
He then promptly fainted.
“Mary!! Gary screeched. “Get the salts!”
_____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
Walter’s job at Muppet Studios was perfect. He adored every second of his time there, and dedicated every moment of his life to being the best little muppet stagehand/whistling Caruso he could be. But on February 22nd, 2012, Walter the muppet was only paying attention to one thing.
“Jesus Christ, Dr. Teeth,” Walter muttered as he made his way through Muppet theater, his eyes glued to the Furbook app on his phone screen. “That’s just weird.”
Walter scrolled by Dr. Teeth's boudoir photos, passing a flood of Gary’s meme posts, an ad for felt waxing- “Ouch.” -and a post from the local police station.
RIZZO THE RAT ESCAPES JAIL ONCE AGAIN
EXTREMELY DANGEROUS - IF SEEN DO NOT APPROACH
WANTED FOR MANSLAUGHTER, GRAND LARCENY,
AIDING AND ABETTING, IMPERSONATING A SUPREME COURT JUSTICE,
AND EVADING A $5,000 LIBRARY LATE FEE
“Stick him back in the clink. That rat stole my travel bidet.” Walter muttered, when-
“Oh! Walter,” Kermit exclaimed as the two nearly collided.
“Kermit! I, uh-uh-” Walter stuttered. He blushed, looking at the green frog. He’d always had somewhat of a crush on his boss. Walter had bigger things to worry about tonight though, namely, his date with Timrek.
“I’ve been looking for you,” Kermit said as Walter followed him, starstruck, backstage.
“You… You have?” Walter said with a blush.
“Are you okay? Your face is getting really red and sweaty,” Kermit replied. Walter’s face turned an even deeper shade of crimson.
“Uhhhhh-”
“I’ve got to run,” Kermit said as he scurried around the backstage area, “but I wanted to tell you that you’re doing a whistling duet with Piggy this Friday.”
“I-”
Kermit cut off Walter before he could speak, “I really need you to do this for me, Walter. You know she won’t be seen on stage with me anymore and I-”
“Kermit! Kermit!” yelped Scooter as he ran out of one of the dressing rooms. “I wanted to ask you-”
Kermit shook his head. “What is it? I’ve got to go get ready for dress rehearsals, Scooter, you know this-”
“Hey Scooter, Kermit and I were actually talking about something really important-” Walter started.
“You’ll do the duet then? Great.” Kermit said as he cut off Walter and continued to Scooter, “Make it quick, please.”
“Would it be alright if I made an announcement during the Muppet Show this Friday?” Scooter pleaded.
“Okay, okay,” Kermit sighed. “You can go after Walter and Piggy, but you’ve only got one minute! Now, I’ll see you later-”
“Oh, thank you!” Scooter jumped with glee as Kermit made his escape.
“Kermit! Wait!” Walter yelled. “I actually wanted to ask-”
“You get one minute!” Kermit turned back to Scooter, ignoring Walter entirely. “And whatever you do, don’t use any of the ketchup packets for blood. The stage is still stained for our performance of Les Miseruppets .”
Kermit’s attention was once again taken as Uncle Deadly and Bobo the Bear wheeled a cart of half-eaten tomatoes through the backstage.
“Where are you-”
“Statler and Waldorf requested them ahead of Fozzie’s set!” Bobo called out.
“What? I- No!” Kermit rushed off after the two muppets. “They can’t use these, the Swedish Chef needs them. Use the onions- why are there bite marks in these?”
Uncle Deadly and Bobo shared a look.
“What!” Bobo exclaimed. “It wasn’t me!!”
“Kermit!” Walter again interjected. “I wanted to know if I could borrow-”
Kermit waved as he hurried to the stage, calling out behind him, “Yes, sure! Just return it when you’re done, Walter! Okayineedtogobye!!!”
Walter sighed, disappointed that Kermit had looked through him like cellophane. He went to lean against the wall-
“Ah ah ah! No!” Scooter yelled as he shoved Walter over.
“What- What was that for?!?!” Walter cried out.
“You almost hit the button!” Scooter replied.
Walter looked where Scooter was pointing. Next to the sound control panel was a giant red button that read BUTTON TO EXPLODE MUPPET STUDIOS on it. Walter shook his head in confusion.
“Scooter, why in the world is there a button to explode Muppet Studios?”
Scooter thought for a second, then shrugged, “Foreshadowing.”
Walter rolled his eyes. As Scooter hurried away, Walter glanced around before slinking into the nearby costume room. He shut the door closed very carefully behind him, not wanting to make a peep-
“Hello.” Called out a voice from inside.
“AHHH!” Walter screamed, much louder than necessary, as he looked around the room. Hidden in the darkest corner was the one, the only-
GONZO THE GREAT! (they/them)
“What are you doing in here, Walter?” Gonzo said.
“I uh- I…” Walter squeezed his eyes tight in embarrassment, then let out all in one breath, “IhaveadatetonightandIneedsomethingtowearplease.”
“Oh! That’s great.” Gonzo replied. “Well, you do know the best way to pick out a new outfit, right?”
Walter shook his head.
“By montage!” Gonzo exclaimed. “Come on, I’ll show you the ropes.”
Gonzo pressed play on a boombox that magically appeared in the room. As a hip but royalty-free tune played out, Gonzo jumped and-
WAHBAM! They suddenly had a sparkly new outfit on.
“Woah,” Walter exclaimed. “I want to try that!”
“Just jump!” Gonzo replied.
Walter bent his knees, lifted up into the air, aaaaaaaand-
WAHBAM! New outfit!
Gonzo and Walter jumped around the room to the beat of the music as they tried on a whole wardrobe of outfits in mere seconds.
Hearing the noise, Miss Piggy stuck her head into the room, glancing around.
“Ugh,” She said with an eye roll, “They’re montaging.”
_____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
Walter was late.
“Shit shit shit shit shit-” The little muppet hissed under his breath as he climbed out of a large Toyota Prius. Walter looked down at the Myft app on his phone as the car drove away.
“Some people really have the audacity-” Walter mumbled. “Asking me to rate 5 stars after making me listen to you rap during the whole drive? No freaking way.”
Walter pressed one star on his app, then shoved his phone into his suave brown suit jacket as he dashed into the Pizza Hut for his date with Timrek.
Inside, a bored-looking hostess glanced at the opening door.
“Party of one?” She called out in a monotone voice.
“Actually-” Walter began.
“Yes.” Called out a voice from behind him. Walter turned. It was Mary!
“Mary!” Walter exclaimed. “What are you doing here? Where’s Gary?”
“I don’t get it,” Mark yelled loudly. “Why’s it always “where’s Gary?” What’s Gary doing? Why is it never “where’s Mary”, huh??”
“Because…” Walter said, confused, “I’m looking right at you, I know where you are-”
“SIGH.” Mary said as she stomped off to her booth in the corner.
“Okay…” Walter trailed off as he glanced around the room, looking for Mr. tall, green and-
“Handsome.” Walter sighed dreamily as he saw the frog, in his iconic black turtleneck, at one of the tables, his back turned to Walter. Checking his reflection in the window, Walter dashed over.
“Uh-” Walter gulped as he stood by the table. “Hi, Timrek, I’m-”
“ Hi ho ,” said Timrek in a sultry voice as he turned to look at Walter. Except it wasn’t Timrek at all. Or maybe it was, and Timrek had just never existed. Because before Walter sat-
“KERMIT???????” Walter gasped in horror. Then a blush rose upon his cheeks. Timrek was Kermit? Kermit was Timrek? He was on a date with KERMIT??
“ Hello, Walter,” Kermit coughed, the fake sultry voice disappearing. “Sorry, I can only do that for so long. How’s it going?”
“I uh-” Walter stuttered, his brain refusing to take in what was happening. “Are you Timrek? And if so, why did you use a fake name? On Felter?”
“Well to be truthful, Walter, I was afraid someone I knew would see me on there,” Kermit replied. “You know how things have been since Miss Piggy. But when I saw your profile…” Kermit thought to himself for a second, then continued, “I just couldn’t help but swipe right. I do hope you’ll forgive me, I didn’t mean to fool you. If you want to leave now, by all means-”
“NO!” Water yelped. “Uh- I mean, no, no sense wasting a perfectly good dinner date, right?”
At that, Kermit flashed Walter his biggest toothless grin. “Then by all means-” He gestured to the chair on the other side of the table.
Walter blushed deeper. It’s not his fault Kermit looked so sexy in that turtleneck. He knew he shouldn’t go on a date with his boss, but somehow he still found himself easing down onto that seat.
“So, Walter, tell me-”
“What do you want.” Said a gruff voice, cutting Kermit off. The two muppets looked up. Standing next to the table, in a ruffled suit, was their waiter, also known as…
TEX RICHMAN. EVIL OIL BARON.
Walter gasped. Kermit gave him a look but purposely ignored the sudden tension.
“I’ll have the truffled fly pizza. And you, Walter?” Kermit nudged Walter, who was too stunned to speak.
“Flies, yes. Fly good.”
Tex Richman grumbled in response, muttering something that sounded like “there’s oil under this Pizza Hut ”, and then slinked away.
“Wow,” Kermit whispered, “Well hey, good for him for landing back on his feet. It’s not often you see a primary film antagonist get rehabilitated like that. Props to him.”
Walter nodded along, eyes still wide with shock.
“C’mon, don’t let that ruin the night,” Kermit said with a grin as he grabbed Walter’s hand and held it atop the table for a few seconds. Walter’s heart stopped for a beat. “You promise me you’ll at least try to have a little fun tonight? For me?”
Walter nodded his head. “Uh- yeah. Yes. Fun. I can do that I can do fun.”
“Great,” Kermit said with a smirk as he raised his glass. Walter, still going through the symptoms of shock, tried to lift up his own glass but found his arms too loosey-goosey to manage the task. Kermit grabbed Walter’s hand that held the glass, bringing the two cups together.
Clink!
_____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
“And thus ended my short-lived career as the number one muppet wrestler in the greater Cincinnati area,” Kermit said casually as he finished off his fly Martini. He tossed the glass at Tex Richman as he passed by. “Another, please.”
“Grrrrrrrrrr,” grrrred Tex Richman.
“Wow!” Walter exclaimed, “That’s the coolest thing I’ve ever heard. Why’d you quit?”
“Oh you know, decided I wanted a life in showbiz,” Kermit replied, accentuating the ending with jazz hands. “I dated a muppet who went on to be the felt-weight champion of Ohio. He was a weird little orange guy, always wore the same striped sweater when he wrestled. I hear he’s doing pretty well now in New York on some TV show.”
“That’s so exciting.” Walter sighed. “My life was so boring before coming to Muppet Studios.”
“You’re young. You’ve got plenty of time to do big things,” Kermit replied, then added quickly, “Not that I’m old. I’m not that old, I’m actually younger than I look- not that I look older than I look, I- never mind, you know what I mean.”
As Tex Richman appeared to clear away their plates, Kermit noticed Walter looking around, forlorn.
“I’ve had so much fun tonight, Kermit.”
Kermit raised his nonexistent eyebrow. “You say that like a goodbye. There’s so much left of the night though, why not spend a piece more of it together? Come over to my place for a drink.”
Walter considered the offer. Go to his boss's house for a drink? While they’re on a date? It was too scandalous to conceive.
“I don’t know… I shouldn’t. You’re my boss and I’m nothing more than a stagehand really-”
“Walter,” Kermit said with a toothless grin, “You think far too lowly of yourself! You’re a performer! You’re not some kid. C’mon, forget about Muppet Studios for a night.”
“Okay. You’re right.” Walter exclaimed. “I’ll go.”
Suddenly Tex Richman appeared, a larger than average bill in hand. Kermit, captivated by Walter’s plastic eyes, signed the paper without even looking down.
“YESSSSSSS!!!!” Tex screeched. The two muppets looked up at him in shock.
“Finally! I’ve wasted years of my life in this shithole, slopping pizza for stupid little puppets-”
“Muppets.” Said Kermit and Walter with a scowl.
“But now I’ve got it!” Tex laughed maniacally, “The deed to Muppet Studios, signed over by one Mr. Kermit The Frog to ME!”
Tex waved the larger than average bill around. It wasn’t a bill at all.
IT WAS A DEED!
“Oh, that’s not good,” Kermit said.
“What do we do? What do we do?!” Walter screeched as he started hyperventilating.
Kermit looked around, desperately trying to think of a plan. Suddenly, an idea came to him.
“Hey, look over there!” Kermit yelled as he pointed towards a table where an elderly sheep muppet sat. “SHE’S GOT OIL!”
“What!” Tex said, sniffer in the air. He zeroed in on the old woman as Kermit sneakily slipped the deed out of his hands. “You!”
With a leap, Tex Richman took the old woman down.
“Where is it????!!? I can smell it on you, give it to me now!”
“Help! Police!” Shouted the old woman as she gave Tex Richman her bottle of Omega-3 fish oil supplement pills. He opened his mouth wide and downed them all in one gulp.
“NEED. MORE. OIL.” He screeched, frothing at the mouth.
“You ready to go?” Kermit said to Walter as he tore up the deed. Walter gave him a stunned look.
“Shouldn’t we help her?”
“Oh. I mean… Looks like she’s got it handled.” Kermit shrugged, then offered his arm to Walter. Together, the two waltzed out of the Pizza Hut as Tex then began tussling with an elderly dog muppet by the buffet table.
“Give it to me, ya mutt! Give me the oil!” Tex screeched.
“Oh no you don’t!” Said the dog muppet as he raised his cane. “I didn’t survive the Viet Cong for this!”
The dog brought his cane down over Tex Richman’s head.
CRACK!
_____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
Cameras flashed as Kermit got out of his fancy limousine. He held out a hand that Walter took as the two exited the vehicle. In front of them was Kermit’s huge McMansion.
“Wow. I love it.” Walter said as he looked up at all the turrets and windows. It was an architect's nightmare.
From behind the gates, reporters yelled and snapped pictures of the two.
“Kermit, Kermit!” One hollered, “What do you have to say about your old friend Rizzo the Rat’s latest escape from jail?”
Kermit waved them off as he gently pushed Walter through the front door.
“No comment!”
_____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
Inside the mansion, Kermit led Walter to his grand parlor where the two sat upon a lush velvet couch flanked by gaudy Tiffany lamps. Meanwhile, 80s robot poured their drinks.
“Two Tab sodas.” The robot beeped as it rolled away.
“So, Walter, I don’t want to go too fast here but-”
Walter cut Kermit off. “I really like you and I think we should date!” He yelped. “Date as in like date date, not like go on dates date, you know what I-”
“I agree,” Kermit said nonchalantly. Walter gaped at him.
“Wait really?”
“Yes.” Kermit leaned in closer, arm wrapping around Walter’s shoulder. “But first… Don’t you think we should be completely transparent with each other here and take things… to the next level?”
Walter blushed the deepest crimson red he’d ever blushed. “Do you mean…”
“Yes.” Kermit smiled. “I’ll show you mine if you’ll show me yours?”
“Are you sure?” Walter replied. “So soon after you and Miss Piggy-”
“I’m ready. I was burned bad after Piggy, but I’ve moved on. I know I have, because for once the only muppet I’m thinking of,” Kermit leaned in, felty lips just a breath away from Walter’s, “is you. ”
Walter’s heart thumped so hard, he thought it would leap out of his chest if he tried to speak. Instead, he excitedly nodded his head.
“Okay, on the count of three. One…”
The two stood up from the couch. Then rose up even more.
“Two…”
They stepped in close, eyes locking.
“Three!”
Then they stepped back, taking each other in. Walter gasped as Kermit grinned.
“Wow,” Kermit exclaimed. “He’s older than I expected. Is that a beard?”
Below Walter’s suit, reaching up into the inner depths of Walter himself, was an arm. And attached to that…
A MAN!
He was in his mid-40s, balding on top but with a thick and full beard. He wore a messy, sweat-stained suit, and held up his hand (the one not up Walter’s bum) to wave gingerly.
“Hey, Todd,” he said, nodding to another man, this one with his arm up Kermit.
“Hey, John. How’re the kids?” The man under Kermit said.
“Good, good. Sarah’s off to college already-”
“Wow. Time really flies.”
Kermit and Walter stared down at Todd and John.
“I’m impressed, Walter,” Kermit said, nodding in approval. “He looks good. Fit. I mean, mine’s nice but yeah, great pick.”
“Aw, gee Kermit. Thanks. Yours too.”
“Yeah, we’ve been together a couple of years now, me and my current butt-man. Had to replace my old one, he just wouldn’t shut up. Plus the new one has this slightly Russian accent, I feel like that really adds a sophisticated flair, don’t you think? And- Oh, okay guys.” Kermit nodded to Todd and John. “We’re good. You can go back down now.”
Todd and John crouched down, disappearing as Kermit and Walter settled back on the couch. Kermit snuggled in close to Walter, arm coming around his shoulders.
“Well… since we’re here…”
As Kermit trailed off, the two paused for a second, then jumped into action and came at each other mouth first. Their felt tongues tussled as they made out.
“Yes… yes…” Walter sighed. Kermit shoved him further down the couch.
Down on the floor, while the two muppets tussled overhead, John and Todd looked around awkwardly in silence. Todd glanced up, only to avert his eyes as fast as possible.
“Eugh. Not the tongue thing again,” Todd whispered to John.
“He always do that?” John replied.
“Yeah. It was worse last week. You should’ve seen the absolute bear he was with. I mean that literally. He was a bear. Had this stupid little hat on the entire time, and he kept saying “ Knock knock! Who's coming? Me!” Drove me nuts.”
John shook his head. “Shit ain’t even funny, man. Oh, dang! They’re getting frisky now.”
Walter’s tie suddenly hit Todd in the face.
“Think we should…?”
“Yeah, definitely,” John replied.
The two then reached over awkwardly, grabbing the lamps on either side of the couch. Slowly, ever so slowly, they dimmed the lights until the entire room faded to black.
_____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
Walter, in such a daze from what had happened the night before, floated around Muppet Studios, completely unaware of the fact that he was 15 minutes late.
“Walter! What are you doing?” Scooter hollered as he ran around like a chicken with its head cut off. “Show starts in 5! Get ready for opening everyone!”
Walter sighed dreamily as he went to his dressing room in the basement, not really listening. Suddenly, the door burst open-
“Kermit!” Walter exclaimed as the little green frog rushed inside.
“Hi-ho Walter, sorry for bursting in but-” Kermit heaved, breathing hard from all his running about. “I wanted to tell you, that we should make an announcement at the end of the show.”
“An announcement about what?”
“About our…” Kermit leaned in close to Walter. “Relationship.”
Walter gasped. “Really? You… you want to go public ?”
“Only if you want to,” Kermit replied.
“PLACES EVERYONE!!” Scooter yelled from the stage.
“What do you say?” Kermit shuffled his way back to the door.
Walter thought for a second… then grinned.
“Yes.”
_____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
The lights were lit, the muppets had been met. The opening number of The Muppet Show went off without a hitch. Following that, Walter was swept up in a whirlwind of numbers as various muppets ran about the theater. Kermit was so busy hosting the show with famous person Jack Black that the two hardly even spoke for the entire duration.
Following Gonzo’s daring cannonball blast was Fozzie’s standup routine…
“Guess what! I just spent 1 million dollars on an NFT!” Fozzie exclaimed on stage. The audience was silent.
“That’s it.” He said. “That’s the joke.”
Another second of silence. Then the audience roared with laughter.
After several other muppet skits, Walter found himself waiting in the wings for his big closing number duet with Piggy. He was sweating slightly when Piggy herself came up to him.
“So, Walter,” Piggy started. “I hear you’re fucking Kermit.”
Walter audibly gasped. Fear flashed before his eyes.
“I-I-I-I-I-I-I-”
“Be careful of the tongue,” Piggy continued nonchalantly. “He does this thing where it shoots out- it’s weird at first but after a while, you get used to it."
Walter opened and closed his mouth like a fish, stunned. Piggy gave him a look, then headed onstage to take their places. Walter followed her.
“I hope you’re better at whistling than you are at talking,” Piggy whispered as their music started. The two then launched into a romantic whistle/scream-sung duet.
As the audience clapped at the end of their performance, a scrim lifted behind them to reveal the rest of the muppets. Kermit stepped out front, holding a mic.
“Thank you, everyone!” Kermit exclaimed. “And now, before we bid you goodbye, Scooter has something to say.”
Kermit handed Scooter the mic, who looked nauseous and was sweating bullets.
“H-Hello!” Scooter stuttered out. “I’m not usually on this side of the stage, but- I… I just wanted to tell all of my friends at Muppet Studios and all of our fans that I’m… I’m…”
While Scooter fumbled over his words, Kermit leaned in towards Walter. “The second he’s done, I’m going to make our little announcement as we sing the closing song. Okay?”
Walter nodded, giddy with delight. Only seconds to go now as Scooter finally got out the rest of his sentence-
“I just wanted you all to know that I, Scooter No Last Name, am trans-”
Suddenly, a man in a disheveled suit appeared out of nowhere. The audience gasped.
“MANIACAL LAUGH!! MANIACAL LAUGH!” He cackled.
IT WAS TEX RICHMAN!!! EVIL OIL BARON!
“This is the end for you, muppets!” He screeched as he ran about the theater. “I’ve done all that I can to steal this studio, but if I can’t have it…”
He revealed from behind him a red button.
THE BUTTON TO DESTROY MUPPET STUDIOS!
“Then no one can! Say goodbye, muppets!”
The audience screamed as Tex slammed his fist down on the button. A countdown box then slowly lowered from the stage ceiling, one minute ticking down on the LCD display.
Pandemonium. Muppets running everywhere.
“OHMYGOD. Kermit. Kermit!” Walter screamed. “What do we do?!?!?”
Kermit, surprisingly calm, took the mic back from a cowering Scooter.
“Hello, everyone? May I have your attention please?”
Everyone froze. There were 45 seconds left on the clock.
“If we are indeed all going to blow up here tonight… Then there’s something you all should know.”
“Where are the fire exits???” Scooter screeched, then fainted.
“No, not that.” Kermit shook his head, then looked over at Walter. “You should all know… that Walter and I are dating.”
The room was silent. Fozzie gasped, nobody else seemed surprised.
“Sorry, I already knew, but I thought that would make you feel better,” Fozzie said.
20 seconds left on the clock. Walter watched the numbers tick down in fear.
“Uh, Kermit? Shouldn’t we evacuate the audience now before we all die?”
Kermit swept Walter up in his arms. “There’s no muppet I’d rather explode with than you, Walter.”
Tex Richman did a jolly jig as everyone looked up at the screen. The countdown was almost done.
THREE…
TWO…
ONE…
Everyone crouched down, expecting an earth-shattering explosion. Instead, a platform was slowly lowered down from the rafters. On it were barrels labeled TNT with a lit dynamite wick trailing from them.
“Jeez, how many steps does this explosion have,” Gonzo muttered.
Everyone looked at the TNT as the fire on the wick slowly inched its way inside the barrels. They braced for yet another explosion…
POOF. A puff of smoke came out of the barrels. Then the sound of a cough.
“Jesus Christ, warn a rat, will you!” Came a voice from inside the unexploded barrels. Suddenly, a little rat popped his smoke-covered head out.
IT WAS RIZZO!
“Guess ya found me,” He said in his little rat voice.
“Why didn’t you blow up?” Walter exclaimed, stunned.
Rizzo laughed, then reached into the barrel and pulled out a half-eaten tomato. “Replaced the TNT with snacks. What, a guy’s gotta eat!”
After a second of silence, everyone cheered, realizing that Muppet Studios was in fact NOT going to explode today.
Tex Richman quietly wept in the corner of the stage.
“Well, looks like there’s only one thing left to do…” Kermit said as he leaned in towards Walter, who was still in his arms.
As the two were seconds from kissing, the doors to the theater doors burst open and pigs stormed the building.
“Excusez-moi!” Miss Piggy gasped, looking at the writer.
“Sorry,” The writer replied.
Suddenly, the theater doors burst open and cops stormed the building.
“Thank you,” Miss Piggy said curtly.
“Go go go! Get the rat!” The head cop said as the others streamed down the aisles towards the stage.
“Well, looks like that’s my cue to exit!” Rizzo yelled as he leaped down from the TNT barrels and scuttled across the stage. “Play me out, penguins!”
The penguin band began playing a jaunty introduction to The Rainbow Connection as Rizzo ran past cop legs and batons and out the front door.
“C’mon everyone!” Kermit yelled as Scooter handed him his banjo. “Join in!”
Suddenly, the whole room began singing the lyrics to The Rainbow Connection as the cops ran after Rizzo. Meanwhile, Tex Richman was walked out of the theater in handcuffs by the muppet police.
As Kermit strummed on his banjo and Walter whistled along, the two gave each other a long look. Everyone swayed as they reached the end of the song:
♫ Someday we'll find it ♫
♫ The Rainbow Connection ♫
Kermit flung his banjo offstage and dipped Walter.
The two gazed into each other’s eyes, leaning in closer, closer, closer…
♫ The lovers, the dreamers, and me… ♫
Until their lips met in a kiss.
THE END.