Work Text:
“This table, it keeps getting lo-o-onger. I’m not sure if they get a new table with each new kid or they put leaves in it or what, but I do know my sister’s father-in-law needs to keep his dick in his pants.
“Like, fairly sure if he doesn’t his wife is gonna cut it off.” He looked around and grinned while the audience laughed. “Oh, come on, cheer for that! By the end of this, you will.
“Because, so far, only one of those kids is my sister’s.
“Thinking about it, her cutting it off would solve the problem, so you go, lady. At this point I’m going to need another box.”
He grins waiting for that joke to go over. “Some of you are fans. Yes, you passed the fan test. Collect your boxes at the door.”
And just for fun, they do have little red boxes at the door with a slip of paper in them that says, You fuckin’ go it
“So, yeah, my sister’s father-in-law sucks. I mean, I thought my dad was bad, but this guy…“ He pauses while the audience laughs, rocking on his heels with nervous energy thrumming through his veins.
“Who knows what a furry is?”
There are some nervous titters across the audience.
“A furry is a person who likes to dress up like an animal for fun and in the grand nerd hierarchy they rank somewhere between otaku and Glee fans. Bless their brave souls. I love you all.
“Because, apparently, I am a peacock. Which I will remind you is not furry. So, some of you need to get your eyes checked or go back to kindergarten or both.
“A peacock is a big, snobby bird and Twitter is a goddamn menace.” He pauses to wait out the laugh, getting that shy look as he turns his head to the side and chuckles.
“As you know, my brother has better taste in husbands than my sister. I really didn’t think that was possible … although better taste than my mother, but we all know how very low that bar is. Obviously, I have the only taste in this family. I have standards.
“So, I tweet-twee-ta-lee-deet-deet-tweet — Yes, I do sing that to myself every time I fuckin’ send one. So, I tweet out a thing, Congrats to @soupgoddess on your anniversary. 7 years is more than the peacock deserves
“Notice, I am calling her husband a peacock. Not me. He is the peacock in this scenario. He is. Not me.
“I mention this, because some of you did not get this. Some of you cannot read. Or comprehend.
“That’s a big word, I know. It means, to get it. Him peacock. Me cool ass fuckin’ comedian.”
Someone in the audience takes it upon himself to yell, “Peacock!”
Jiang Cheng stares out at the audience in the guy’s direction, so disappointed. “Yes,” he says slowly, “we are talking about peacocks. Good boy, Timmy. You identified the subject.” He slow claps and the audience joins in with him. “Now, go throw yourself down a fuckin’ well. Where was I?
“Peacocks are dumb. Like, they have three pebbles in their heads that function as a brain. But they are pretty, so I can’t really blame my sister for being distracted by the ooo-shiny.
“Well, I can, but …
“Here’s the thing, he thought he was too good for her.”
The audience boos.
“Right? Who the fuck thinks he’s too good for my sister?
“But, he’s all pretty.” Jiang Cheng prances across the stage then turns and wiggles his ass at the audience. “Right? So, he’s too pretty for his own good and he thinks he’s too pretty for my goddess of a sister.
“Also, he’s got the social grace of a stoned ocelot.
“So, I tweet-twee-ta-lee-deet-deet-tweet out that innocent thing and all y’all fuck heads think I’m the peacock. There is a meme! I have a tail!
“It is a pretty tail.” He turns and wiggles his butt again. “But a tail! Have you all had your eyes examined? This is your fault!
“Someone tweet-twee-ta-lee-deet-deet-tweets back at me one day an invitation to a super special secret furry group. I’m like, what’s a furry?
“I now know what a furry is.
“Thank you so much.”
He twirls the mic on its cord, waiting for the laughter to wane. Turning, he wiggles his butt, just to amp things up again.
“And there’s porn in there! Furry porn! Of me! With a peacock tail! You? All of you. Some audacious mother-fuckin’ assholes.
“You have not lived until you’ve seen photoshopped porn of yourself.”
Pause.
“Your kink is not my kink, and that’s OK.”
Pause.
“My wife laughed.”
Pause.
“Soooooo, back to my sister. This guy thinks he’s too good for my sister because he’s so rich and so pretty and his nose is far up his own goddamn ass all he can smell is his own shit.
“He broke her heart.
“He made her cry.”
The audience hollers and boos.
“Damn right. My brother and I were going to kill him. He came this close to dying. My brother, not so shockingly, has very creative ideas for hiding bodies, which I would advise all you photoshopping furry assholes to remember. He also has access to acid. Lots of acid. Commercial grade vats of acid.”
Pulling the mic close to his mouth, he says in a much deeper voice, “My brother is Batman.”
He pauses while the audience loses it. “So, yeah, he makes her cry. She won’t let us torture him to death and quietly hide the body, which is cruel on her part.
“Instead, she pines. Pines. Pines. I cannot deal with pining. The only thing worse than pining is that fucking mating dance my brother did with his fucking best friend for years.
“No, you little chaos gremlin, most people do not wear short shorts and a crop top that says slut bunny on it to a sleepover with their best friend.
“He honestly asked me that.” Jiang Cheng shakes his head sadly.
“But no, with jie, it was pining from afar.” He sighs dramatically, hand to forehead.
“Then, she starts secretly giving him soup. Our soup. The soup that belongs to my brother and me. My brother and I did not know about this at the time. If we had, we definitely would have stolen it.
“But, she’s giving it to him secretly. Secret soup. Because she’s pining. Pine. Pine. Pine.
“And he thinks this magic, most delicious soup is being given to him by … someone else. Because he’s got a brain of three rocks banging together.
“In his defense, my sister is really sneaky. You wouldn’t think it to look at her, but she is.
“One day he catches her putting the soup in his locker and he screams at her, right in the middle of the school hallway, about not taking credit for other people’s accomplishments.
“He’s screaming at her, shrieking like a goddamn peacock, about soup. Who does that? What the fuck, man? And jie is just mortified. I was fairly sure she was hoping for the earth to open up under her feet and spare her the misery.
“But then, my brother clocks him.” The audience hoots and hollers their approval while Jiang Cheng grins.
“If you’re wondering why I didn’t flatten him, it’s because the gremlin got to him first.
“Knocks the fucker right the fuck out.
“Now, the thing is, my sister and the peacock were both independently popular. She was popular because she is so kind. She’s a good organizer and ends up on every committee known to goddamn man. Just, a really nice person.
“The peacock was popular because he’s rich. He’s not a rich asshole. Don’t misunderstand me. He’s an oblivious, rich himbo.
“But, because jie is everyone’s favorite person, opinion did not come down on his side. Not even his cousin would speak to him and his cousin is an asshole.
“It was the first time he’d ever experienced disdain. Public disdain is a powerful thing.
“My brother was suspended for fighting, but he kept giving me things to put in the peacock’s locker or dump on him.
“Do you know how terrifying it is to open a school locker and have a frenzied squirrel leap out at your face? He does.
“He had to get a rabies shot.
“For his face.
“It was awesome.
“Now, at this point, my mother and the gremlin still didn’t get along — unless they could put aside their differences for a mission. They are terrifying together. They would sit, planning chaos for the peacock. Still not sure which one came up with the squirrel, but there was this elaborate trap my friends and I had to set up to keep it at face level.
“Open the locker and boom! Skeeeetch! Aaaack!
“Fuckin’ hysterical.
“He still has nightmares.
“Squirrels are vicious lil’ fuckers.
“But all great things come to an end. Things die down. Everyone forgets about it the way people do in high school. My brother goes back to his mating dance.” Jiang Cheng skips around the stage, flapping his arms. “Ack! Ack! Ack!”
He finally stops and looks out at the audience very seriously. “I’m not disproving this furry thing, am I?”
“Fuck it.” Turning around, he wiggles his butt again. He grins as the audience hoots, hollers, and applauds.
“Yeah, my wife likes that part too.
“So, the peacock realizes what he’s done, but for all his popularity, the guy still has the social skills of a rhino with hay fever.
“He needs a plan. He decides he’s going to build a pond. No, really, a pond.
“Now, he could do this with daddy’s money, but he’s … learned something? He’s determined. He gets all his buddies together to dig this thing out by hand because he’s heard that my sister likes goldfish. He’s going to give her a koi pond.
“In our yard.
“By digging.
“At night.
“Who sees where this is going?
“My mother fuckin’ drew on him. And the lady doesn’t own some lemon squeezer (pause) Well, she does, but she owns more than one gun. She was holding a .357 with one hand while she called the cops with the other.
“I had the shotgun if you’re wondering.
“The chaos gremlin is not allowed to touch guns after that one time he nearly killed a birthday clown.” There is mixed reaction from the audience ranging from laughs to boos. “What? Clowns are scary.”
“Anyway, he and his friends get arrested, and we go down to the station with them because, cool fact, his mom is best friends with our mom. He had not experienced mom disappointment before and now he was getting it from two sides. It was epic. I thought my brother about killed himself laughing.
“Asked why he did it, the peacock stammers out he was building a pond to impress my sister because he heard she likes goldfish.
“The cracker.
“My sister likes goldfish crackers.
“Now, we have a hole in our yard which my mom convinced him not to fill with crackers.
“So, there we are in the police station, them, me, the gremlin, mom, and my sister. The peacock is getting booked because his mom felt it would be a fitting punishment if he spent the night in the tank. They’re leading him away and he turns at the last minute and yells at my sister, ”I was wrong! I love you! I need you! I want to marry you and have your babies!”
The audience explodes in laughter and Jiang Cheng can’t help himself, he laughs with them. Finally, it’s gone on too long. Jiang Cheng has to resort to shushing them. It only mostly works.
“You remember this one from kindergarten? I clap.” He claps. The audience claps back. “You’re at least five. Good to know.”
“Anyway, I can’t take credit for that last line. He really said that because, as you know, he has three rocks up there banging together.
“Now, it’s two in the morning and no one looks good at two in the morning, not even my dearest sister. She had on a frumpy old t-shirt from her softball team, her eyes had bags under them — you get the picture. And, he’s yelling about having her babies. I guess he gets points for that. Did I mention he’s a himbo? He’s a himbo.
“She grabs his shackled hands and says the dreaded words, I’ll take you up on that.
“Yes, one of my sister’s superpowers, along with soup, is knowing the right thing to say in a situation and saying it. She doesn’t have to practice in front of a mirror for hours like someone I won’t mention. … It’s me. I have to practice.
He begins pacing.
“But we were talking about tables. You thought I’d forgotten, didn’t you? I never forget anything. I’m like a fuckin’ elephant.
Suddenly whorls around and stares at the audience. “Don’t photoshop that shit! … Unless you give me a really big dick. But I don’t want to know! For the love of god, don’t send it to me!
“Tables, right, tables. The thing is, my sister’s father-in-law is, and I say this as nicely as possible, a lying, cheating, low-life horn dog and he has more fuckin’ kids than it’s possible to know about.
“It’s called birth control, people!
“I don’t know how his dick hasn’t fallen off because of some STD. And it’s a shame. Couldn’t happen to a nicer guy.
“So, my poor peacock-in-law — remember him? The peacock — always has some new brother or sister showing up on his doorstep. His, because his father, in addition to being the cover model for sluts-n-hos digest, is also a deadbeat dad.”
The audience boos and hisses and Jiang Cheng encourages them for a bit, then claps. The audience laughs and claps back. He claps twice. They clap twice.
“Wow, you guys did learn something in school … other than photoshop.
“Anyway, in addition to being an A+ douche, he’s also violent. He actually threw one of his kids down some stairs rather than acknowledge him. What the fuck?
“What. The. Fuck!
“The peacock-in-law has some morals knocking around with those pebbles in his skull. He acknowledges his siblings, gives them a place to live if they need it. He treats them like actual siblings, which good on him.
“He expands the fuckin’ table.
“Which, good on him.
The audience cheers.
“And now, hopefully it will be his kids expanding the table, starting with my nephew who is one of the most precious kids in the world. He gets it from his mother. Entirely from his mother.
“Of course mine gets all the good stuff from her mother too. I have no idea how my bother’s kids even function. Divine intervention obviously.
“And that’s how my sister ended up with a table long enough to seat a Baptist church convention. It’s like the table in Batman, but full on chaos.
“And because my family is not already enough insanity, they decided to get a dog.
“Now, I love dogs. Before we adopted my brother when I was 9, I used to have three dogs. They had terrible names too, Jasmine, Princess, and Love.
“I was very into Aladdin.
“But, my brother is terrified of dogs. He was in the foster system before we acquired him and this one family he was fostered with had a dog that bit him several times. Like, not little nips. There are scars. Who does that to a kid? Who fuckin’ does that?
“He told me I can tell this story, by the way.
“So, no dogs growing up. I remember when I was 11 and I was fairly sure the gremlin was going to marry his best friend — look who was right? — I made his future husband swear to me he would always protect my brother from dogs. I made him do a handstand, cross his eyes, and hold his nose closed to make sure it took.
“It did and my brother has been safe from dogs ever since.
“They raise rabbits. Because of course they do. Cats? Who needs to be sensible. Rabbits.
“Anyway, the peacock decides to adopt a dog and introduce him at a family gathering without telling anyone first. I mentioned those three pebbles? What could go wrong?
“Now, Fairy is a delightful pup. Well trained. Adores my nephew. Adores my brother.
“Oh yes, the dog likes him.
“So, the peacock announces he has a surprise and brings out this young dog. About a year old. A rescue. Fluffy. Tongue lolling out of his sweet muzzle, tail wagging.
“Photoshopers, no. Just no.
“My brother sees the dog and screams, jumps up on the table where all the food is, and scrambles down the length of it away from the dog. Food is flying everywhere. The peacock has a look of utter confusion on his face, which is not that much different than normal.
“So, now it’s chase, right? I don’t know where my brother thought he was going, but the dog starts running along the side of the table after this human he has decided to adopt. He is gonna lick that face if it kills him … and it just might have if my brother-in-law’s face was any indication.
“Being the valiant hero that I am, I tackle the dog and hug it into submission — which was total altruism on my part. It is in no way because I wanted doggy kisses.”
He groans. “I’m never going to escape that furry thing, am I? I tried to take any possible furry fodder out of this show and you can see how that worked out. Just imagine the act before I did that.
“Anyway, doggy kisses. I forcibly carry the dog out of the room. When I return, my sister has talked my brother down off the ceiling and is feeding him soup. He gets soup and I get a dog. Best. Day. Ever!
“Well, Fairy stays, but he has to be locked away whenever we have a family thing. We’ve tried having family things at my brother’s place or mine, but they’re just not big enough.
“But, the thing is, Fairy is smart, a little escape artist. I mean, a big escape artist. He’s 80 pounds of pooch. Big dog. And he always gets out. It is now a regular feature of our family gatherings. And he heads straight for my brother. He adores my brother.
“All I can say is, it’s a good thing their chandelier can hold that much weight.
“And it’s a good thing my sister’s soup can fix anything, because …”
He holds out his mic and the audience yells, “It’s goddamn great soup!”
“You bet your ass it is. Thank you and good night!”