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Day fifty and they’re a little bit drunk. Something Dot said about milestones. There’s a wigwam they finally constructed off the beach, it took them three weeks to build but it felt good to have a goal and the shelter is undeniably nicer, even if it’s shitty by wigwam standards. It’s also big enough for them all to lie down, and sheltered from the wind too.
They’re warm and tipsy, and the sleeping pads beneath them are soft and as they drift in and out of consciousness things begin to spill out. Like the holes in a damn, powering a city.
“I don’t know if my siblings even like me, we’ve never had a real conversation before.”
“I know my sibling doesn’t like me.”
“Shut up, Nora.”
“I’m definitely not going to Julliard.”
“Don’t worry, neither am I.”
“It’s not all about you, Dorothy.”
“You can join club ‘have no idea what we’re doing with our lives.’ Want the hat or the shirt?”
“I’m a founding member.”
“Hat please.”
“Who here isn’t a member of that club?”
“True.”
“Leah, shut up, you’ve got that whole English major vibe going on. You’ll be fine.”
“It all just feels so tainted now. Like, I can’t even imagine falling for someone again. Having that level of trust. Is that stupid?”
“Of course not, you just need time.”
“And to get off this damn island.”
“I’ll drink to that.”
Toni wakes up early the next morning and identifies the problem, luckily, before anyone else can. She sets about solving it in the only way she can and hunches her shoulders as she hears the rest of the girls wake up.
“Oh, Toni, you’re up early,” Dot mutters.
Toni prods the fire.
“I’m gonna set up the schedule is that—are those our bedsheets?”
“It’s woven grass, not Egyptian cotton. I’ll make us new ones.”
“Okay, but why did you wreck the old ones?” Rachel demands, now up too.
“Woah, woah, woah,” Shelby gets between them, unfortunately awake, and Toni forced that familiar simmer to a boil and jumps to her feet.
“I actually don’t need you getting involved, thanks,” Toni grits out at her. Shelby blinks, hurt flashing through her eyes.
“Don’t go off at Shelby,” Rachel says. “You’re the one who flipped a shit and ruined our bedsheets.”
“I’ll make new ones, what’s the big deal?” Toni asks.
“The big deal is it’s Fatin’s day to do jackshit,” Dot says. “You won’t have time to make new ones.”
“Then Fatin can take my day, and do my stuff today,” Toni says.
“Fatin didn’t agree to that,” Rachel points out.
“Fatin isn’t awake yet,” Fatin says.
“You can’t just destroy shit in a fit of anger, dude,” Dot says.
“Well, dude, what're you gonna do to stop me?” Toni asks. “I’ll make you new fucking bedsheets, what’s the fucking problem?”
“No problem,” Shelby says. “In fact, I’ll help. Anyone wanna trade a jackshit day with me?”
“I will,” Martha speaks up, and Shelby smiles at her.
“Perfect.”
“Yeah, fucking perfect,” Toni mutters.
Nobody is happy with Toni but as they settle into their daily jobs no one has time to say anything either. There are a few more dirty looks thrown but Shelby and Toni are able to work in silence to weave their mats. Toni can feel Shelby getting more agitated though and braces herself for the inevitable downfall.
“Are you mad at me?”
Fuck.
“Why would I be mad at you?” Toni asks.
“I don’t know, that’s why I asked,” Shelby says. “Have I done something?”
“No, Shelby,” Toni says. “You haven’t done anything.”
“Was I supposed to?”
“To make me mad at you?”
“No, to—I’m confused. Can you just tell me what happened? Why did you decide to randomly burn our floor mats?”
Toni keeps weaving, focusing on getting a really even stitch. Her hands shake.
“You're just gonna ignore me? Really? Mature.”
“The first day we met you learned I threw piss at a girl,” Toni points out, her hands slips and the weave's line becomes jagged. “You saw me give head to a clam. What were you expecting?”
“I guess I don’t know,” Shelby said. “The girl at the lychee tree was pretty mature.”
“We fucked while our friends were starving,” Toni said and cringed in on herself when Shelby flinched at the language. That might’ve been a step too far.
“You weren’t mean.”
“Sorry do you want me to be nicer?” Toni asked. “I’ll put it on my fucking to do list.”
“If you don’t want me around I can go and work on these in the shelter.”
“I don’t want you around.”
Shelby got up and left.
When everyone got back Rachel wasn’t speaking to her and Shelby was avoiding her. Martha, at least, plopped down beside her.
“How’s it going?”
“Almost done,” Toni said. “I’m actually getting pretty good at it.”
Martha nodded and Toni could tell she wanted to say something else. Maybe reprimand her, maybe argue with her, she didn’t know. She didn’t want to know.
“I snapped at Shelby today,” Toni decided on. “I probably need to apologize or whatever.”
“You should bring her flowers,” Martha said. “You can’t pick some up at the grocery store but there are some pretty ones by the waterfall. I can trade around with Nora and get you both on water?”
“You’re the best Marty,” Toni told her. And she meant it too. She’d always mean it. “I love you.”
“Love you too, Toni.”
Shelby is quiet on their walk to gather water and Toni can tell she’s not happy with how Toni had everyone’s schedules rearranged again. Dot was even more upset but she sat in her big chair and asked for fifteen minutes of peace and quiet and was fine afterwards.
Now, Toni and Shelby marched along to the waterfall like they were marching to Toni’s funeral. Okay, a tad dramatic, but Toni’s anxious and exhausted and her mat hadn’t been as comfortable as the one Nora made. She gave herself the jagged one, still feeling guilty.
“I had a friend,” Shelby starts, “back in Texas. We were real close but when we were teenagers she stopped wanting to stay over. Once, I was hanging over at her’s and my little brother had an emergency and my parents couldn’t pick me up. I had to stay over and I woke up to her changing the sheets.”
Fuck, Shelby was not gonna make it easy to apologize.
“Cleanliness is godliness or something, right?”
“I found out later her step brother had been touching her. And forcing her to touch him.”
“Sounds like two very separate unrelated events. Also like you shouldn’t have told me that.”
“She’s gone, Toni,” Shelby said. And Toni met her eyes.
“Oh.”
“Yes,” Shelby said.
“You didn’t tell me you had a friend who, um, passed away,” Toni said.
“I didn’t,” Shelby agreed.
“Are you—you okay?”
“Toni,” Shelby stopped. “I want to know that you’re okay. I’ve been turning it over in my mind and wondering if maybe something Leah said—”
“Oh, so since I’m a little res girl lesbian of course I was assaulted?” Toni asks. “Why else would I be attracted to women?”
Shelby blinks. “What? Toni, I’m a… like girls.”
“Careful Shelby, they might’ve heard you in Japan.”
“Take it easy, I just wanna talk about this.”
“There’s nothing to talk about. I burned the mats cause I wanted to. Not because I’m another fucking statistic.”
“I wasn’t saying—”
“But it’s where your mind went. You just assumed,” Toni says. “I’m not your fucking charity case.”
“I don’t think that,” Shelby said. “You’re the one assuming!”
“Whatever,” Toni says. “Just drop it. Drop it and forget about it. Now.”
“Fine, Toni,” Shelby says. “Whatever. You can’t avoid this forever.”
But she does, and things aren’t exactly the same but Shelby really does leave it alone for awhile. Until Toni wakes up early again and has to burn the bedsheets for a second time.
The schedule had just gotten back on track and Dot groans when she sees Toni prodding the fire.
“We have got to find you a better outlet,” Fatin said. She wiggled her eyebrows aggressively as Shelby who glared at Toni.
“I don’t see what the big deal was. Today was even my day to do jackshit,” Toni said.
“The big deal is you don’t get a break,” Dot said. “We need you at the top of your game and we can’t have that if you’re exhausted all the time.”
“Leah doesn’t get a break,” Toni said.
“That’s cause if I get a break I try to kill myself,” Leah said.
“We need to put you on watch too?” Fatin asked.
“No,” Toni said. “I’m fine, I’m not exhausted. Besides, ten thousand hour rule right? They’re only gonna get better.”
“Doesn’t always hold true,” Nora muttered. Rachel glared at her.
“If I finish early I’ll help,” Martha said and Toni shook her head.
“I got it.”
“At least let Martha help,” Shelby cut in. “Someone.”
“What’s that supposed to mean?” Toni demanded.
“Alright,” Fatin cut in. “Sooner we get done with our chores, sooner we get done! Leah, babe you’re with me let’s head out!”
“Now who’s going all youth group counselor?” Shelby asked.
And they headed out leaving Toni to stew by the fire, working on those damn woven mats. It was harder without Shelby, she got half of them done last time and now Toni was gonna have to work double time.
Dot was unimpressed when Toni was at six by the time people got back from their chores.
“I’m almost done with the seventh,” Toni said.
“It’s getting dark, you won’t have enough light to finish the eighth,” Dot said.
“I know that,” Toni grit out.
“Relax, Dorothy,” Fatin came over. “I’ll share with Leah or Toni can share with Martha, right?”
Toni stiffened, “Yeah. I mean. Whatever.”
“We’ll share,” Shelby said.
Toni made eye contact with her and Shelby was as unyielding as Toni’d ever seen her.
“Fine,” Dot said.
When Toni finished the seventh Shelby stood over her. “We’re going on a walk,” Shelby said.
Toni swallowed and nodded, getting to her feet. They walked in silence, heading towards the bluff where they had their third kiss. Shelby didn’t look at her or take her hand and Toni felt a pit sink in her stomach as she realized the reality of their situation.
“We’re going on a walk,” might as well have been “we need to talk.”
Toni was about to get dumped. On a desert island, where there were literally no other options. Shelby would literally not date Toni if she was the last available lesbian.
Shelby sat down and Toni settled next to her, hugging her knees in the ocean breeze.
“I just don’t get it,” Shelby said.
Toni stared at the ground.
“I mean—this isn’t like you. You don’t have a blow up for weeks, and then twice? So close together? With no build up?” Toni kept her mouth shut and she heard Shelby sigh. “Toni, just talk to me. Please. You’ve never done this before, hidden something from like this. For christ’s sake you told me about your parents to win an argument.”
“I can’t,” Toni muttered.
Shelby’s breath hitched, her hand touched Toni’s shoulder, “Please, Toni, I can’t—I can’t do this if you’re hiding from me.”
Toni set her jaw and she forced herself to a stand, “I guess we’re not doing this then.” She made it a couple steps before—
“It’s Martha, isn’t it?”
“No,” Toni said.
“She’s the only person you’d give me up for,” Shelby said. She’d gotten to her feet too and took Toni’s hand. “Toni, what’s going on?”
Toni looked away. “I came on this stupid trip for her. She had—she had a rough year. Her mom wanted someone to keep an eye on her.”
“Toni…” Shelby stepped closer, “Is it what I guessed? With my friend?”
Toni looked away.
“That’s why you won’t let her help,” Shelby realized. “You don’t want her to feel guilty.”
“It’s not her fault,” Toni said. “Besides it’s not a big deal.”
Shelby looked at her, eyes filled with—with something. “Toni, you shouldn’t have to carry this alone.”
“Martha’s carrying it,” Toni said. “I’m just helping her.”
“Then let me help her too,” Shelby thumb swiped over Toni’s hand, “We don’t know how long we’re gonna be stuck here. It could get worse. Heck, it will get worse. You don’t have to be alone anymore.”
Toni looked at her, really looked at her. Martha always said that people loved to help out and shockingly, Toni was beginning to believe her.
"You don't," Shelby said again. Toni leaned in.