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"I heard Steven wants to marry Mikasa," one of the little girls who sat by Eren at school giggled. "He says she's pretty."
Eren swiveled towards the girl, horrified. Not his best friend Mikasa! She didn't have time for a husband! She was too busy playing with him and Armin. "He wants to what?" he demanded.
The girl looked delighted that her news had elicited such a reaction. "He said he's going to propose at lunch!"
"Absolutely not," said Eren. "I won't allow it."
"He doesn't need to ask your permission! You're not her dad. Her dad is dead," said the girl, with the heartless honesty of youth. "Mikasa is free to marry whoever she wants."
Eren's mouth fell open. No she wasn't! He had intended for her to marry him! After all, she already lived at his house, he knew all the stuff she liked, and she was a really fast runner. Why would he consider marrying anybody else? It hadn't occurred to him that another boy might have similar plans. This was a load of crap! He didn't want to have to find another wife. The other girls in his class were boring. All they ever wanted to do at recess was play dolls. Mikasa only played dolls at home, which was the correct venue for that kind of thing, because then Eren could join her without anyone saying anything about it. He turned to glare at Steven, who was too busy looking at Mikasa to notice. Eren leaped to his feet, his fists clenched.
"For the last time, sit down , Eren," snapped his teacher, rapping on his desk. "Get out of your seat one more time and you're staying in it for all of recess."
***
Armin and Mikasa were playing together on the playground. Eren had jumped from his chair to scream at Mimi when she said her father said the Scouts were slovenly mooches, so now he was confined to the classroom while the other children laughed and squealed outside. Mikasa was trying to think of something nice she could do to cheer him up after school, but she was drawing a blank.
One of the boys from her class ran up to her while she was pondering, a fistful of dandelions clutched in his hand. "Mikasa, will you marry me?" he blurted out, eagerly.
She looked at him, surprised. She threw weddings for her dolls all the time but she had never considered having one herself. "When do you want to do it?" she asked.
"Well, my older cousin said long engagements are better, so what about Friday?"
Mikasa considered. That was in three whole days. Practically a lifetime. "Okay," she said.
The boy beamed. "Great! See you on Friday!"
"Okay!" said Mikasa, waving at him as he ran off to rejoin his friends. She turned to Armin. "Wow, I guess I'm engaged."
"I'm so happy for you, Mikasa!" said Armin, excitedly. "You're going to be a beautiful bride!"
Mikasa blushed. "Thank you," she said.
"Steven is a very lucky boy," said Armin.
"Oh," said Mikasa. "Is that his name?"
***
Eren's face went a violent shade of red when he saw the bedraggled flowers in Mikasa's hand when she reentered the classroom. Who were they from?? He certainly hadn't given them to her! He had been confined at his desk!
"Are you coming to Mikasa's wedding this Friday?" asked Armin, who had stopped by to see Eren on the way to his seat. "They're having it on the playground."
"I'm sorry? Am I coming to Mikasa's what?" asked Eren, dangerously.
"Steven just proposed to her outside!" said Armin. "Isn't that great? They're going to be a family!"
" I'm her family," growled Eren. "She doesn't need anyone else."
Armin shook his head, looking wise. "We're nine years old now, Eren. It's time to start thinking about the future."
Eren scoffed. He had already thought about the future. He was going to marry Mikasa, for the obvious reasons, then he was going to join the Scout Corps and exterminate every last titan, then they would have some babies and go explore the world with Armin. It was a perfectly valid and meticulously considered five year plan. "I'll die before I see her marry that rat bastard," he growled.
"Eren!" gasped his teacher. "Language! You just lost recess tomorrow, too!"
***
Mikasa wanted to play house when they got home. Eren sat on the floor of their shared bedroom and sulked while she busied herself pretending to bake sugar cookies.
"How was your day, honey?" she asked, sliding an invisible tray of imaginary cookies under her bed to bake.
"It was fine," grouched Eren.
"Oh no! This oven is ice cold!" said Mikasa, snapping her fingers in consternation. "Shoot! Can you chop me some more wood?"
Eren got reluctantly to his feet and began swinging his pretend ax. "Sure, honey," he said, bleakly. "Then I'll go kill a bear for dinner."
"That would be great!" said Mikasa, happily, then gasped. "Oh no! The baby is crying!"
Once their fussy ragdoll child was settled and the bear had been procured and roasted, the two of them sat around the dinner table, sipping imaginary tea and discussing their finances.
"The butcher is charging $100 for a pound of chicken wings!" said Mikasa, shaking her head. "That's so cheap!"
"Wow, I wonder if the meat's poor quality. How else can he charge those low prices?" said Eren. "Maybe we should try a different butcher. We can afford to pay at least $500 for a pound of chicken wings now that I've been promoted to general."
"Wow, I didn't know you got promoted!" said Mikasa. "That's great!"
"I just found out an hour ago myself," said Eren. "We're about to kill the very last titan and I- I can't do this anymore, Mikasa. How can you play house with me when you're marrying Steven on Friday?"
Mikasa's eyes clouded with confusion. "I can't do both?"
Eren looked at her, aggrieved. "We've built a life together here. We have a child!" He flung his hand towards the ragdoll.
Mikasa's face cleared. This was part of the game. "Steven loves me!" she declared. "And I love him!"
Eren went white, clutching his chest in anguish. "I- I see," he gulped, his five year plan demolished in under ten seconds. "Then I won't stand in your way."
"Thank you," said Mikasa, getting up to pour Eren more tea.
"No problem," said Eren, holding out his cup, the gears turning in his head as he plotted exactly how he would, in fact, stand in her way.
***
"What's it like to be in love?" Olenna asked, eagerly, as she, Mikasa, and Armin looked for fairies under the rocks in the schoolyard during morning recess. Eren was stuck inside, paying the price for his potty mouth the afternoon before.
"I'm in love?" said Mikasa, frowning.
"Sure!" said Olenna. "You're getting married, aren't you?"
"Oh, yes, I suppose I am," said Mikasa. Her impending nuptials were the talk of the school. She and a few of the other girls had already made plans to weave flower crowns the next morning to wear at the ceremony on Friday, and everyone wanted to be a bridesmaid. "But it's just for fun. I'm going to keep living with Eren after."
Olenna nodded sagely. "Of course. I would, too. Eren's mom makes the best cookies."
Mikasa mainly didn't intend to move because she liked sharing a room with Eren and seeing him every single day, but she didn't correct Olenna. The cookies were a definite bonus.
"So how did you and Steven meet?" asked Olenna. Mikasa considered it. Technically, she had met everyone at school when the Jaegers took her in four months ago, but she hadn't realized who Steven was until he had proposed the day before.
"Um, he gave me flowers," said Mikasa.
"Wow!" gushed Olenna. "That's so romantic! I wish someone would give me flowers!"
Armin looked up, interested. "I'll bring you flowers, Olenna," he said. "Wait just a moment." He scampered off towards a patch of grass and crouched down to pluck some daisies he had noticed that morning before school.
"Oh my gosh!" squealed Olenna, her hands flying to her mouth. "Do you think he's in love with me?"
***
By the time the kids were let out for lunch recess, everyone but Eren was engaged. He didn't care. He already had a wife, she just wasn't married to him yet.
He cornered Steven by the dirt pit, getting his face up next to his and sneering with all his might. "I heard you're marrying Mikasa," he said.
"I am!" said Steven. "I'm the luckiest man in the world."
Eren shoved his face closer, his nose digging into Steven's rosy cheek. "Back off of her. Don't you know she lives with me?" he spat, droplets of saliva spackling Steven's face. Steven shoved him away.
"I'm marrying your sister whether you like it or not!" he shouted.
"She's not my sister!" Eren screamed, smacking Steven and, storming across the playground to Mikasa. "I'm not your brother!" he bellowed, grabbing her by the shoulders and shaking her. Her teeth rattled.
"I know!" she chattered, her hair flying around. "Do you want to play tag with me and Armin?"
"No! I don't want to play tag!" said Eren spitefully, finally releasing her.
"Do you want to play hide and seek?"
"No! I don't want to play with you at all!" said Eren, storming away to sulk because he did indeed want to play with her and Armin, but how could he when he had just said he wouldn't?
"Are you sure?" Mikasa called. "You can be It first!"
"I said I don't want to!" Eren shouted, pounding on his thigh, infuriated by his own self-inflicted isolation.
"Hey, dear," said Steven, running up to Mikasa right then. "Would you like to have snack together the morning of the wedding?"
"Oh, whatever you want to do, sweetie," said Mikasa. "It doesn't matter to me."
"Okay," said Steven. "I'll have snack with my friends then."
"Okay," said Mikasa. "Bye."
Steven waved at her and ran off again, Eren watching it all, his heart in his feet. How could Mikasa even think of marrying Steven when she had him? Had all those evenings he had spent pretending to go to work to provide for her and their fictional baby meant nothing to her? He was a general now, for god's sake!
***
"Aunt Carla, can you help me make cookies to serve the guests at my wedding?" Mikasa asked after dinner as she helped Eren's mother clear the table.
"Your wedding?" said Carla, looking surprised. "I didn't know you were getting married. When's the happy day?"
"Friday," said Mikasa. "After lunch."
"And who's the lucky boy?" Carla asked, glancing at Eren as he sat pouting with his elbows on the table, his fists digging into his cheeks.
"Ummmm…" said Mikasa, her brow furrowing. "His name is… Sebastian?"
"His name is Steven!" Eren wailed, throwing his hands in the air. "You're marrying Steven!"
"That's right," said Mikasa, nodding. "Steven."
Carla cackled at her son, throwing her head back as she guffawed. "Steven's a very lucky boy," she said.
"No, he's not!" shrieked Eren, running into the kids' bedroom and slamming the door. Mikasa looked after him.
"Eren is certainly in a bad mood today," she commented.
"He gets like that," said Carla, heartlessly. "I would love to help you make cookies for your wedding. Should we put jam in them?"
"Yes, please," said Mikasa. "And I want to make an extra big one for Eren."
Carla cackled again. "You should make a big one for Steven."
"Who's Steven?" asked Mikasa.
***
Eren almost made it out the door the next day without being caught, but his mother grabbed him by the scruff of his neck and hauled him back inside just as he thought he was safe.
"What is that poking out of your boot?" she demanded.
"Nothing," said Eren, shiftily.
Carla reached between the leather and Eren's skinny ankle and withdrew her best paring knife. "No, Eren!" she shouted. "Absolutely not!"
"You don't even know what it's for!" he protested.
"Okay, then. What's it for?" said Carla.
Eren balked. He had not been expecting her to ask that. "It's not for stabbing Steven," he said.
Carla pinched his ear. "Attack that little boy and you're never going to see the sunshine again, buster," she growled. "Strip. I'm checking your clothes for contraband."
Eren arrived at school late, grumbling and unarmed.
"You're tardy," said his teacher. "No morning recess for you today."
"Fuck!" said Eren.
"No afternoon recess, either," said his teacher, narrowing her eyes.
"Goddamnit!" said Eren, not even bothering to wait for his teacher to tell him to go stand in the hallway. He was already headed out the door.
***
"Hey," said Steven, stopping by Eren's punishment circle on his way out to recess. The punishment circle was what they called the worn out spot on the floor where Eren always stood when he got sent out to the hall. It had not been there at the start of the year.
"What do you want?" Eren grumbled.
"I promise I'll take good care of your sister once we're married," said Steven. "I'm going to buy her a pony."
"She's not my sister and she doesn't want your pony, you blitz-brained butt sniffer!" Eren screamed. "You'll die before I let you marry her."
"You didn't say that right," said Steven, unbothered.
"Yes, I did," snarled Eren. "I've killed for her once, Steven, and I'll do it again."
Steven laughed. "You didn't kill anyone! You're just a kid. Anyway, bye! I have to go talk to Mikasa!"
Eren watched him run off, absolutely seething. Maybe he'd just go ahead and get married to some random girl and see how Mikasa liked that.
***
"Eren asked me to marry him!" Violet disclosed, excitedly, during lunch recess. "I said yes!"
"I thought you were marrying Noah," said Mikasa, her eyebrows furrowing.
Violet frowned. "You're right. I forgot," she said. "Shoot."
"You could marry them both," said Mikasa. "Eren is an excellent husband. He chops wood any time you ask."
"I think you should marry Noah," said Ophelia. "He has a puppy."
"A puppy? Hmmmm. Okay. I'm going to tell Eren I can't marry him after all," said Violet, decisively, abandoning her flower crown to break the sad news to her extraneous fiancé.
Mikasa hummed to herself, working busily at her own crown while Ophelia chatted about her engagement to Pietro. Armin strolled up then, hand in hand with Olenna. "I can't believe you're getting married tomorrow, Mikasa!" he said. "The time has really flown by. Should I wear my suit for the ceremony?"
"Yes," said Mikasa. "Sam- Serg- My fiancé is going to wear his suit, too, and Aunt Carla is going to braid my hair for me."
"I love weddings," sighed Olenna.
"I've never been to a wedding but I just know I'm going to cry like a baby tomorrow," said Ophelia, clasping her hands. "It's going to be so romantic!"
"I can't wait until my wedding on Monday," said Olenna. "Armin, where shall we go to have our honeymoon?"
"What's a honeymoon?" asked Armin.
"I think it's a kind of candy," said Olenna. "And then you sit somewhere nice and eat it."
"Then I think we should go to the canal," said Armin. "We can eat our honeymoons and watch the boats."
"How romantic," sighed Olenna.
***
Mikasa had gone straight home to bake cookies with Carla after school, so Eren moped along to the candy store with Armin.
"I just don't know why she's doing this," said Eren.
"People grow up and settle down," said Armin, inspecting the barrels of penny candy. "Maybe you should have made your move sooner."
"I wrapped my scarf around her!" said Eren. "That means she's supposed to be my friend forever and not marry that booger faced toe sucker, Steven."
"Mikasa is a precious rosebud, blooming into womanhood. She longs to feel the trembling dew drop of a lover's kiss upon her petal soft lips," said Armin, whose grandfather did not censor his reading material.
Eren made a face. "Ew! Gross! Kissing?"
"People kiss when they get married, Eren," said Armin, seriously, making his way towards the counter. "After they say 'I do'. It's like when you spit in your hand and shake on it, but with your mouth."
"My parents didn't kiss," said Eren, indignantly.
"You don't know. You weren't there," said Armin. "Excuse me? Sir? Do you have any honeymoons?"
The man scratched his chin. "We have honeycombs," he said.
"May I buy a pound?" said Armin. "I'm getting married on Monday."
"Sure," said the man, busying himself with his tongs.
Eren scowled. "I don't want to kiss Mikasa. I just think if she's going to marry anyone it had better be me."
***
Mikasa carefully dropped a spoonful of jam into the dip she had made in the cookie dough, her tongue poking out slightly.
"You're doing very good, Mikasa," said Carla.
Mikasa looked pleased. "I want everyone at my wedding to be happy," she said. "I hope Eren can come. He's had to miss recess almost all week. I miss him."
"I'm glad the two of you are getting along so well," she said. "I know Eren really cares about you, too, even though he's been kind of a wreck the past few days."
"I didn't have a friend before he came to my house," said Mikasa. She carefully dropped jam onto another cookie, then bit her lip, staring at the glistening dollop of translucent red preserves. "I think Mom and Dad like him, too," she said, wistfully. "He saved me."
She dropped jam onto another blob of dough. "The cookies are a surprise for everyone. I didn't even tell Soren… no. Sven. Shoot. What the heck is my fiancé's name?" said Mikasa.
Carla bit back a smile. "You'll have your whole life to learn it after you're married."
"No, I won't, Aunt Carla," said Mikasa patiently. "My wedding tomorrow is only pretend."
"Oh, I see," Carla said.
"In real life I'm going to marry Eren," Mikasa said. She touched her small fingers to her scarf for a moment, her face unreadable, then resumed her sticky task.
***
"Eren, your mom told me you tried to smuggle a knife to school. I know it worked out for you once before but stabbing people is really not usually the answer," said Grisha. "If you're having issues with this Steven boy you need to use your words."
"I wasn't going to stab him," Eren grumbled. "I was just going to use the knife to scare him a bit."
"Why, though?" asked Grisha.
Eren hung his head, mumbling his answer so softly that Grisha couldn't hear him.
"I'm sorry. Can you repeat that?" said Grisha.
Eren leaned forward and whispered hoarsely in his father's ear, "That dingleberry is marrying Mikasa, but I was going to marry her first. So he needs to back off."
"Oh, I see. Mikasa is getting married. That is a dilemma," said Grisha.
"Yeah. I know," said Eren, glumly. "It's going to really suck when she has to move out."
"Why would she have to move out?" said Grisha.
"To live with her husband," said Eren, deeply aggrieved. "But don't you see? If she just married me like she's supposed to she could stay here with us forever, even when she grows up, and when I join the Scouts I'll remember that she's at home waiting for me, so I'll always make sure to come back so she's not lonely."
Grisha put his hand on his son’s arm. “Don’t you think you should tell her how you feel?”
“No,” said Eren.
“Well,” said Grisha, standing up. “If you don’t want her to marry Steven, you need to step up and do something.”
Eren frowned at him, his small face dripping with incomprehension.
“I’m saying you have to tell her to stop the wedding,” said Grisha.
***
Eren had intended to speak to Mikasa about it before school, but he couldn’t find the words to explain to Mikasa that Steven was a knock-kneed ninnywhistle and she'd be a fool to marry him. He had been rendered speechless when he saw her in her wedding dress, her black hair plaited into complicated looking braids and held back from her face by one of Carla’s extravagant, glass jeweled hair pins.
“Do you think I look pretty for my wedding?” Mikasa had asked, smoothing out the skirt of her fanciest play dress, the one with the eyelet lace on the hem.
“You look normal,” grumped Eren.
“Shoot,” said Mikasa, wandering off to wrap her cookies. “Oh well.”
Eren dragged his fingers down his cheeks, despairing of ever finding a way to put into words how much he wanted to kick Steven in the head for coming between them like this.
“Do you think someone will object like in that puppet show we saw?” Mikasa asked as they walked to school, her eyes bright with interest.
“Huh?” said Eren.
“Remember that puppet show? When the priest was like, ‘Does anyone have a reason why these two should not wed?’ and the other puppet was like, ‘I object!’ and then it was really funny?”
Eren did not remember, but he had not realized one could simply object to a wedding. “Did the puppets still get married?”
“No,” said Mikasa. “I don’t think they were allowed to.”
“Oh, I see,” said Eren, his eyes beginning to sparkle. That would be his last resort.
***
Eren was on his best behavior all day that day. He got to eat his morning snack outside with Armin, Mikasa, and Armin’s fiance. He got to play with them in the schoolyard. He got to make sure Steven stayed the heck out of their way by dragging Mikasa off to do something new every time Steven tried to come over to say “Hi.” He even got to glue a paper star to his behavior chart for being so docile in class. He had partially achieved this feat by sheer strength of will, and partially because he was too busy deciding what to say to stop the wedding to cause any other ruckus.
He had decided to go with slandering his rival, and was heading out the door to tell Mikasa, “You cannot marry Steven because his belly button is actually an extra butthole and he’ll use it to poop on you because he's gross,” when his teacher stopped him.
“Where are you going, Eren?” she said.
“Outside,” he replied, blankly. “It’s afternoon recess.”
“It’s your turn to clean the chalkboard,” she said, pointing to the classroom chore chart.
Eren went pale. “But… But… I… Mikasa…”
“You two can play together as soon as you’re done,” said his teacher, handing him a bucket of soapy water.”
Eren’s eyes stung with tears as he bit back his impassioned retort. He couldn’t chance getting sent to his desk for the rest of the play period. If he cleaned fast enough, he may still be able to end this farce of a wedding. He grabbed the bucket and a stool and began scrubbing the chalkboard with all his might, his throat choked with frustrated sobs.
***
Mikasa looked around as her guests took their seats on the grass. This was a good turnout. And, it was almost time. Noah went to the front of the aisle the kids had formed with their bodies, looking important. He was going to officiate the wedding. He had been to two weddings with his parents and was something of a self-proclaimed expert in how to conduct them. “Where’s Eren?” Mikasa asked.
Armin helped her center her flower crown on her hair. “He had chalkboard duty.”
“Oh, darn,” said Mikasa, frowning. “I wanted him to be here to see me get married.”
“I’ll draw a picture of it to show him after,” Armin promised.
Mikasa smiled in relief. “Thank you, Armin.” She took her package of cookies and gave them to Mimi to hold, since she was the only one who could be trusted not to get into them before the wedding reception started, then she went to go stand at the end of the field, waiting for her turn to walk down the aisle.
Ophelia, the best singer in class, stood off to the side, humming the wedding march as loudly as she could, and the ceremony commenced.
Steven marched down the aisle, nodding at his friends and trying to look tough. He was followed by no less than seven bridesmaids, then the rest of the girls in class came after that, scattering flowers and leaves and grass clippings and whatever other floral confetti they could get their hands on, with the exception of Mimi, who was staunchly guarding the cookies. All the girls sat back down on the grass to spectate and then it was Mikasa's turn. She moved slowly down the aisle, pretending her dress had a long, sweeping train, and peeking to see if Eren had come out yet. He was nowhere to be seen. She sighed with disappointment, but remembered that Armin would draw a picture of it for him later and soldiered on.
She nodded at Steven when she reached the front of the aisle. He shot her a goofy grin and said, "Okay, Noah! Ready!"
"Dearly belubbered," began Noah, droning like he'd seen the priest do at his aunt's wedding. "We are gathered here today to watch Steven and Mikasa get married, to have and to hold, til death do us part. Steven, do you take Mikasa to be your lawfully wedded wife, to have and to hold, til death do us part?"
"I do," said Steven.
***
"Thank you, Eren. You may go play," said his teacher. Eren vaulted over a chair and thundered out the door.
He was frantic. He'd been able to see the wedding playing out on the play field, and it looked like it was almost over. Armin was getting up, preparing to bear the two rings he had tied together out of grass to the happy couple so they could finalize their union.
"I object!” Eren screamed, tearing across the play yard. "I object!"
"You're supposed to wait until I ask that," frowned Noah, sternly. "Please be more patient."
"Okay," said Eren, dancing from foot to foot at the rear of the audience.
"Do any of you have a reason why these two should not wed?" asked Noah, pointedly not looking at Eren when he said it.
"I do! I do!" Eren shouted. "I have a reason!"
"What is it?" asked Noah.
Eren faltered. He hadn't been expecting Noah to ask that. "Well, uh, I just don't want Mikasa to get married to him," said Eren, sheepishly.
"Really?" said Mikasa.
"Yeah," said Eren. "Please don't do it."
"Okay," said Mikasa. "Sorry, Sanford."
"It's Steven," said Steven.
"Sorry, Steven," said Mikasa. "I can't get married to you. Eren asked me not to."
"That's okay," said Steven. "Thanks for playing wedding with me."
"You're welcome," said Mikasa.
"I'll marry you, Steven!" said Violet, jumping up and down.
Noah frowned at her. "But you're supposed to be marrying me on Tuesday."
"Oh, shoot. I forgot," said Violet. "Darn it. Now what do I do?"
"Don't worry about it, Violet," said Steven. "I only wanted to marry Eren's sister."
"She's not my sister!" Eren screeched, his hands forming into fists. "We're not related at all! I just found her in the woods and now she lives with me!"
"So does that mean she's your daughter?" asked Steven, looking confused.
"No!" shouted Eren, looking like he was ready to murder the boy.
"I think it's time for cookies!" said Armin, hoping to alleviate the rapidly escalating situation. "Mikasa made them!"
"The big one is for Eren," said Mikasa, retrieving her parcel from Mimi.
"It is?" said Eren, his eyes going wide.
"Yes," said Mikasa, taking it off the top and handing it to him.
"Since you're not married, do you want to play house tonight?" asked Eren, staring at the cookie with starry eyes.
"Sure," said Mikasa. "I would love to."