Chapter Text
It’s 2 am
Olivia is half sleepily pumping milk from her swollen breast. It’s what awoken her in the first place. The moon gleams through her bedroom window like sun mirroring glass. She sways back and forth in her upright position to wake her body up. The floorboards creak ever so often as she does so.
Running on only a few hours of sleep. Olivia tries to keep her slumber-heavy eyelids open so there's no spillage or getting any more liquid substance on her clothing.
Elliot is resting beside her; in only his plaid boxer briefs with a baby on his chest. Both take turns throughout the night with their daughter, but Olivia gets the brunt of it because she wants Elliot to get his sleep since he’s returned to work.
Cragen has cut him some slack. She likes to think, because he has yet to have to be called in for a case at the wee hours of the night. She’s afraid of when that happens. Unconfident that she’ll be able to take care of their child alone for the entirety of a day and night alone.
Her pregnancy itself went smoothly all things considered. Even giving birth was a serene and peaceful experience for her, but since then her mood has shifted.
She cries more than she’d like to admit. She’s found it hard to connect with her baby. It has been sending her into overdrive.
At their last appointment, the doctor said it was just a case of “baby blues” that it’d only last a few days. Elliot agreed with him.
It’s been two weeks, and still nothing.
Not that she doesn’t love or want her daughter. It’s more feeling like she can’t do anything right. Like she’s making every wrong move there is.
Iris Bernadette Stabler
At only four weeks, looks just like her mother. She has a head full of brown, soft hair fraying about her face, and deep brown eyes to match. Iris is not a bad baby either. She’ll take her naps and cry when she’s hungry or tired. That is what brings Olivia dreading guilt about how she’s feeling the most. Elliot has noticed it too. She can tell, even so, she’d prefer not to bring it up with him to avoid an argument. He would just tell her things she didn’t want to hear.
They’ve been dating for about two years, and Iris was a surprise to both Elliot and Olivia, but they’d gotten closer throughout her pregnancy.
He still makes an effort to compliment her every day. It’s sweet of him to do so, but getting called beautiful isn’t something you want to hear when you don’t feel like you are yourself.
Olivia sighs deeply as she hears the beeping of her alarm in the distance, signaling her to turn off her pump. Her left breast was the only one leaking, currently, saving her a mean finger cramp she gets from attending to both.
Placing the pump back on her bedside table. Olivia slowly lays back down and shuts her eyes hoping sleep will whisk her away before Iris can wake up.
——
A few minutes later
A vague cry fills Olivia's eardrums. Iris’ cry. She groans and throws her arm behind her, feeling around a bit before she pushes Elliot in the arm lightly.
“El. El. Wake up. It’s your turn.” She says groggily.
The cries get louder. Elliot barely moves at them, which amazes her because Iris is laying against his chest. How can she hear her yet he can’t? Olivia had been up only a few moments ago but even on occasions when she isn’t. She’s always the first up. It never fails.
Olivia pushes him in the arm again, a bit harder this time. In a louder voice, though to overpower the crying, She says, “Elliot! Wake up. She’s crying.”
This time it does the trick and he flutters his blue eyes open and looks down at the unsettled baby.
“Hey, kid. It’s okay. Daddy’s here.” Elliot says in a soothing tone. It’s an attempt to calm down his crying child.
Olivia turns into his line of vision, grabs at the blue pacifier that has fallen in between them, and puts it back into Iris' mouth, muting out her whaling. Discrete sniffles still looms from the red in the cheeks, tear-stained face child. Olivia then starts to pat on her back as well.
“I think she’s hungry again,” Olivia says in a yawn. Her eyes locked with Elliot’s drowsy-filled stare.
She’s freeballing. Going with whatever works with their daughter. Except when it doesn’t. She’d rather not make herself anxious over it.
Elliot hums, His eyes fleeting from Olivia’s and the once whining baby. “Yeah. I think so too. You wanna give her a bottle or breastfeed?”
Olivia sighs, “Breastfeed. I don’t want you getting up. Plus, I’ve just finished pumping.”
Elliot nods, sits up a bit, and hands over Iris to Olivia carefully. The baby’s cries have now been subdued due to the pacifier. Knowing the cries will return once the pacifier gets taken away. Olivia starts to rock Iris hoping it’ll lessen the chances of a cry and takes a deep breath before taking the pacifier out.
Iris lets out a whimper before she quickly makes contact with her mother's breast and stops crying completely.
Elliot is looking at both of them in pure awe. His girlfriend and daughter. The moonlight that has crept into their bedroom, hits definite parts of both of their faces.
“Does it still hurt?” He asks her. Referring to breastfeeding.
“Not as much as it did at first. It’s fine. Manageable.” She says, a lazy smile on her face.
“You look gorgeous, Liv,” Elliot says, voice laced with sleep.
He knows it sounds corny but what he’s saying is true and she should know it. He can tell she doesn’t like it when he does it. However, she’s given birth to a human. The most natural and life-changing act one can participate in.
Olivia rolls her eyes, “A baby is sucking the life out of me. I’m sweaty and my hair is falling out of its clip-in. There’s nothing attractive about that, El.”
“To me. It is. I wish you could see you the way I do.”
Olivia tucks her bottom lip into her mouth and chews on it. Her brown eyes filled up with tears.
“I do too.” She says quietly.
Immediately Elliot comforts her.
“Don’t cry, Liv.” He says, outstretching his arm and rubbing at her thigh.
He is quite tired himself, so he can’t put together a lengthy speech about how perfect she is at this instant but he tries to provide support to her.
“I’m trying to. It’s not working.” She says, shaking her head.
Elliot shushes her, sits up fully, and moves behind her, making sure not to disturb the child being fed. He does it, so Olivia can lean into his warmth.
She does exactly that.
Elliot moves his hands to copy Olivia's position and rubs at Iris’ fine hair on the top of her head. The little brown eyes blink up at both her parents in an inquisitive look.
Olivia wants to start crying again but she tries her best to refrain herself, so she takes a few deep breaths and peers at her child along with Elliot.
——
By the time Iris is done eating, Elliot has fallen asleep behind her and the baby who was not that long ago in fits of tears has now dozed off into a slumber too.
Olivia tried to fall back asleep but she failed. Her bare sensitive breast bothered her which had started a bit after Elliot had nodded off behind her and she couldn’t do anything about it because Iris was still sucking on it.
Although now that the child is asleep. She can. Olivia slowly but surely lays the baby into the white bassinet that’s positioned next to where her sleeping father would typically lay.
Iris stirs a bit in her unconscious state at first but eventually stops. Olivia then gets back into bed herself.
She crawls into Elliot's open embrace, pulls up the comforter that had become wrinkled up at the foot of their bed, covers both herself and Elliot in it, and cocoons herself there in his arms. She Inhales deeply as her eyes begin to fall heavy and shut.
——
When Olivia comes to open her eyes again she is in bed alone, the absent feeling of Elliot’s cozy hold on her lingers. She assumes Elliot has Iris in the living room so she gets herself together. Yawning, she swings her feet over the bed watching her step as the floor is scattered with clothes, unopened toys and various other baby items.
They’ve been living at her apartment and it’s not the biggest for a baby and all the things they come with but neither of them has thought too much into moving out anytime soon.
Entering the adjoined bathroom to their bedroom. Olivia flickers on the light switch and closes the door.
She does her daily routine or the routine she can when Elliot doesn’t leave out so early in the morning.
Olivia sprays dry shampoo into her hair, clips her brown hair in the back of her head, messes with her bangs to frame her face neatly, washes her face, brushes her teeth, and tends to the stitches she has since she’d torn with Iris. It depends on your body generally but she tore with an 8.01lb baby coming through it. The discomfort and pain she’s been experiencing in the lower half of her body is less than pleasant.
After she does that she uses the bathroom and changes out her postpartum pad and heads back out the bathroom door.
Olivia then rustles through her drawers for something else to put on that isn’t baby bodily fluid stained or liquid stained. She decides upon an old faded grey shirt that’s oversized enough to hide her stomach pouch and black leggings that aren’t too tight around the waist.
That’s another thing that’s surprised her lately. She’s not confident in her body at all and she knows she should be as she birthed a human but it didn’t help that she wasn’t losing weight like she wanted to or her body didn’t snap back as she expected it to. She wonders if it’s her expectations of how the aftermath of having a baby would be that have made it draining.
Hearing her name being called she walks out into the open floor plan of her apartment and slants her body on the wall opposite the living room area. She sees Elliot is dressed, ready for work, and Iris is in her baby bouncer sucking on her pacifier.
Elliot sees her walk into the living room and approaches her, “I’m about to head out. I wanted you to get some extra sleep so I grabbed Iris and she watched the news while I got dressed.”
Olivia scoffs, “I’m surprised I didn't wake up from you coming in and out of the room. I guess I did need that. Thank you, El.”
Elliot grins lovingly at her, makes his way over to her, and kisses her gently on her forehead, nose, and then on her lips as a goodbye. A thing he's made a tradition of. It never fails to make her blush. Elliot repeats the same action to Iris.
“I’ll be back later. Love you.” Elliot says, sauntering towards the door.
“Love you.” She replies. Locking the door behind him.
Olivia turns her body against the door and slides down against it like a lump of limbs. She brings her knees up, lays her head on them, and locks her arms around herself, hearing Elliot's footsteps tread down the hallway and bangs her head softly.
Every time Elliot leaves she feels such sadness. She knows he’ll be back yet she misses him more and more every day. She’ll have to talk to him about what’s going on with her and how she’s been feeling soon.
Collecting herself from the floor. Olivia makes her way to Iris who is not being noisy at this moment, squats down cautiously next to her bouncer, and coos at her.
“We’re gonna figure this out lovey and I'll feel what a mother is supposed to with their child soon. I know it. I mean you’re so cute, how could I not?” Olivia says, sadly.
Iris peers at her mother and garbles spit bubbles,
pacifier falling out in the process.
“I think you agree.” She says in response, Olivia gets up and turns on the bouncer. Iris' nose scrunches into a yawn.
Elliot had to have dressed Iris while she had been out like a light because the brown onesie with black stars cut out on it that Iris wore last night has been replaced with a white bodysuit and grey footsie leggings. Iris is also sporting a grey headband with a bow and white hand mitts so she doesn’t scratch her face.
Olivia watches her daughter thoughtlessly for a few minutes to make sure she doesn’t fuss. When she doesn't, Olivia starts to occupy herself with cleaning the house. She hopes to achieve more than she’s had since Iris has been born, not just with her own up and down moods but the baby too.
——-
Olivia surprisingly manages to clean the kitchen and bathroom by the time Elliot walks into the apartment. More than she’s been able to accomplish in the past. It makes her feel good.
She currently has Iris in a black cloth-like baby carrier and is caressing the baby’s hair in prolonged motions. The carrier makes it easier for her to go back and forth from the living room and kitchen to check on the spaghetti that is being cooked on the stove.
The noise of keys hitting the counter surface from behind her brings Olivia to whip her head around. Making contact with Elliot's exhausted facial expression.
“How was work?”
“Okay. We caught a break in our case only for it to be a dead end. Lots of wasted hours.” Elliot says, Coming up to the back of Olivia, wrapping his arms around her and Iris.
Olivia breathes out, “I’m sorry, El. You guys will get ‘em soon. You always do.”
Elliot rumbles out a laugh, “That’s when we had you on our team. It’s been harder without you there.”
After they disclosed their relationship to their captain. They’d decided after arguing about it, that Elliot would be the one to transfer but SVU needed the extra bodies with Olivia on maternity leave, so he’ll be staying at the unit until Olivia can come back to work.
Elliot had gone back to work last week because while she was on paid time off until 8 weeks, he wasn’t and they needed the extra cash.
“I’ll be back in due time.” She says, stirring the spaghetti pot but at a distance so the heat from it doesn’t emit onto herself or Iris. “For now though, my time is spent with diapers, milk, dowsing my sore boobs with ointment, and trying not to get the baby to throw up on me.”
Her response is laced with sarcasm but Olivia is frustrated with how she’s slipped into this stay-at-home-mom role. It’s not what she saw her independent self ever doing.
It’s changed.
She’s changed.
Elliot laughs, “You’re doing a great job. You’re a good mom, Liv. Just like I knew you’d be.”
Turning off the stove, Olivia steps out of Elliot’s subtle embrace and starts to make the side salad that is going to go with their spaghetti.
She smirks, “I’d say the same to you but you’ve already done this 4 times.”
Elliot scoffs at her admission, shuffles out of the kitchen and into the living room rustling with what sounds like a gift bag.
Calling out to him from the kitchen, Olivia says “I hope you didn’t buy one of those “as seen on tv” baby toys again!”
Replying to her, Elliot says, “That was one time and this is way better. Promise. You’re going to love it.”
Olivia shrugs her back to him and says, “I’m holding you to that promise.”
She next walks into their bedroom and returns with Iris’ bassinet. She situates it at the table across from where she’d be sitting, places the baby in it, and wanders back into the kitchen to get their dinner on the table.
When she returns to the table, plates in hand. She sees Elliot has a video camera in his hand and is talking to their daughter with it.
“Bubs, All of your life’s biggest moments will be stored here. How do you feel about that? Huh?” He says, in a high-pitched voice. Iris kicks her feet in response.
Olivia can’t help but grin at the interaction as she puts both plates on the table.
Elliot now has the camera directed towards her recording her.
“Liv, say hi to your future self.”
She wants to crawl inside herself. Not only is he doing this at the most inopportune time but she’s all icky feeling from her hobbies throughout the day.
“Hi. Now can you put that thing away? The food will get cold.” She says, before taking her seat at the table. Turning slightly so she can tend to Iris if she needs to.
Elliot doesn’t listen, He brings the camera closer to her face. She flips the camera off and tries to swat it away but he starts speaking.
“Wow. Wow. There are children around.”
Olivia doesn’t respond to him; she just snatches the camera from his grasp and turns it off.
He smirks at her mischievously, “So do you like it? I saw it at the video store on the way back from work. It was cheap too.”
She shrugs, “I highly doubt we’ll use that thing but it’s a sweet gesture. I’ll say.”
Elliot nods, Going to take his seat at the opposing end of the table. They eat in silence except for a few casual comments.
——
Olivia knows she won’t finish all of what she’d given herself food portion-wise but she’ll try her best to. That’s what she hangs onto.
Trying.
Her salad is tossed around with a few bites in some of the lettuce pieces and her spaghetti is only a quarter gone.
Elliot on the other hand has finished his food. His plate was almost wiped completely clean. He’s nursing water in his hand. Eyeing Olivia fondling her food with her fork.
Worry laced in his voice, he says, “Liv, you should eat more than that.”
She clicks her jaw, “I’m trying to. Thanks for observing, Sherlock.”
He didn’t mean it in the way it’s come out and jumps at the chance to respond but she keeps going not allowing him to.
“You know, Elliot. Maybe don’t comment on my eating habits, it just makes me feel so much better about myself,” Olivia says, Sarcastically but her voice is coated in anger.
“I’m sorry, okay? I worry about you. You’re breastfeeding and pumping but you’re not eating as much as you should to maintain it.”
“I know that, don't you think? I don’t want to talk about this anymore. You’re pissing me off.”
“I’m pissing you off? I made one off-handed comment, Liv. That’s all. I’m trying to be here for you and you keep pushing me away or lashing out.”
“You’re a doctor now? What's your diagnosis? Am I an unfit mother or am I not like how Kathy was? Is that what’s throwing you for a loop?”
She’s spitting rapid-fire at him with her words because his comment just affirmed unintentionally what she already knew and her mood swings don’t help.
Elliot drags a hand down his face, “No. It’s none of that. Let’s just forget it. I said I was sorry.”
“Sorry isn’t enough sometimes.” She says sadly, Rising from her seat and going into the bathroom rather quickly.
She’s gone before he has the chance to stop her. How could a relaxed night turn upside down so quickly, like trying to hose down a massive fire with water?
Elliot decides to give Olivia space, so he finds the baby carrier she’d previously worn, puts it on, and places Iris in it. After he does that he picks up the kitchen and dining table.
——
Returning from the bathroom, where she’d just cried her eyes out, Olivia enters into the bedroom to find Elliot changing Iris. The dim light coming from the ceiling shading their bedroom a tinted yellow.
She doesn’t speak to him, just ushers herself to her side of the bed and lays down, facing away from him.
She starts to silently cry again with Elliot not being able to see her.
“I don’t know what’s wrong with me. I don’t feel like myself.”
That revelation alone from his partner could make Elliot cry but he holds himself together.
Swallowing, He says, “There’s nothing wrong with you, Liv. You’re having a hard time adapting to this change in your life and that’s completely normal. I don’t know if me saying that will help but I was the same way with Mo. Completely terrified of all the things I was doing wrong or right but in the end, it all came together and I wouldn't trade it for the world.”
Olivia sniffles, “Thank you for that. You manage to make me feel sane when I feel like all my marbles have scattered everywhere and I can't seem to put them back together.”
“I’m here and I'll always be here, Liv. I’m not going anywhere, Alright?”
He doesn’t get a reply but he assumes that’s because she doesn’t know what to say to him.
Elliot has finished changing Iris by this time and lays her down in her bassinet that has been moved back into their room since Olivia retreated to the bathroom. He gets up and throws away the diaper. Coming back into the room he spots that Iris has fallen asleep and Olivia has stripped herself of her shirt. She’s now solely wearing her black maternity bra and black leggings. Their comforter laying across her torso.
He takes this time to discard himself of his clothing too, he throws them in the laundry basket, only wearing his boxer briefs. Then he gets back in bed, comes up from behind, and cuddles himself into Olivia.
She clings onto Elliot’s arm that’s wrapped around her like he’s her only lifeline adrift at sea. She nuzzles herself into his warmth.
“I’m sorry about earlier too. You didn’t mean for it to come off like that.” Olivia says.
Elliot nudges her hair with his nose and takes a deep breath, “It’s alright. I understand where you were coming from. No need to apologize to me, honey.”
As soon as the pet name slips from his lips. Olivia squirms in cringe.
“I hate when you do that. It’s so bad. I’m not an old woman” She says, disgustingly.
Elliot huffs out a laugh, “It’s cute. Why don’t you like it? I could say, sweetheart, darling, dear even.”
Cringing again, but in a more teasing manner this time, Olivia says, “Please shut up. I’m so close to smacking you right now. All of those are a no.”
Elliot thrums in defeat, “A for effort at least? I made an attempt.”
She chuckles, “The attempt was a failure, so that’s an F for effort.”
“Your honesty is humbling and a bit hurtful.”
“You’ll live.” She says, shifting her body, prompting Elliot to settle himself on his back. She adjusts herself in their new position by reclining her head onto his chest and tangling their feet together in the process. She also intertwines her fingers with his and toys with his thumb and forefinger.
“What about baby? You say it during s-“ He’s cut off by Olivia's hand covering his mouth.
Looking up at him, She says, “Don’t say it. That doesn’t count. Now go to sleep before you get booted to the couch, Stabler.”
He laughs and nods in agreement knowing it’s something she’d do too. He softly plays with her hair as the silence of the night overtakes them and pulls them into sleep at last.