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To describe the pain one feels when their entire world crumbles, where everything they thought they knew once is shattered violently, is nearly impossible. Like broken glass, shards of what once was, thrown into fresh skin and leaving cuts so deep that not even stitches could sew the flesh back together.
Eren hid it well though, those scars could not be seen, not by anyone. Not by his closest friends, the one's who led him here. Not by his family waiting back home for him. And certainly not by him.
He was a traitor to everything he'd known and everyone he'd met. Born in Libero, sent on a mission with his friends, Reiner, Bertholdt, Annie, and Marcel. He was exceptional, praised by those back home, deemed a hero, they all believed in him, they put their lives in his hands to squash the devils that threatened them, but it seemed all he could do was watch the lives extinguish from his palms as the days went on.
He'd done so well in faking it all. He'd made sure to keep at the top of the cadet corps, he'd made sure to make friends and blend in. He especially got close to a girl named Mikasa, the two became what people deemed as friends quickly. It had gotten to a point where she started to call him her brother, Eren couldn't describe the feeling of that, being called a devil's brother. But with every rising sun, he seemed to fit into that life more and more naturally. He became so attached, too attached. At one point, he might've been able to escape the fake life he'd been living for the past few years, but he was too far gone now.
He was in love.
Armin Arlert, a 5'4 blonde boy with the brightest blue eyes and the most intricate brain, had stolen his heart. He talked about the outside world often, he fantasized about what could be out there. At first, he'd heard about the boy and his love for the outside world through whispers and rumors, he decided it might be relatively easy to play into the boy's dream. Though the second he actually saw the shine of his eyes, the pink tint of his cheeks, the scrunch of his nose, the fanning of his eyelashes, and the pure passion that radiated from his aura, he was caught.
Eren's mind nearly erased itself, he'd almost forgotten what the outside world was by the way that Armin described it, he hoped that he could see it for the first time, that he could experience that life, that pure love for exploration and something unknown. He'd indulge in his fantasies, ponder about what the ocean must look like, what it must smell like. He pretended that there weren't people on the other side, waiting for his beautiful head to be stuck through a spike and paraded around a town's square.
He pretended he wasn't one of them.
He fell too fast, with nothing but rocks beneath him, he kept falling faster.
Armin was laying down in front of him, on Eren's bed. A book in his hands as per usual. He had been reading aloud, but somewhere along the way, Eren got lost looking at the way Armin's lips moved when he spoke. Armin realized he wasn't paying attention and asked him what the book was about, Eren didn't know and admitted he was too distracted by "what happened during sparring" which prompted Armin to read in his head. A shame really, Eren liked Armin's soft voice.
Eren brought one hand up to mindlessly play with Armin's fingers, the ones that danced on top of the pages. He ran the tip of his pointer over Armin's fingernail on his own pointer. He squeezed the round part of the finger between his own, he watched the way it returned to its normal shape when he let go.
He brought the finger to his lips, he wanted to place it on them, he wanted to taste them, he wanted to run his tongue over it and taste the salty skin. Instead he resisted and forced Armin's finger to boop his nose. Armin looked up from his book and giggled, crinkles formed by his eyes as he did, his blue irises filling with joy.
Eren should hate him. He should hate him with his entire life. He should despise him. He was a devil. He was evil personified. He was Satan in sheeps clothing. But he couldn't help himself, not when his big blue eyes bore into him from below as if he were the only person who mattered in life, if he were the only person who ever existed.
His eyes held the beauty of the world. They enveloped Eren in a state of serenity that he'd never felt before. The light in his eyes sparked hope in him, they begged him to dream of something that should be impossible. Eren could look into them for days, years, centuries, he could get lost in them for the rest of his life and he would never get sick of it.
Armin glanced down to his book. He flipped the page between nimble fingers, the old yellow color of the paper contrasted the pale white and pink color of his skin. Eren shifted his attention to the blonde's lips. they were pink and full, heart shaped, it suited him well. They weren't wet, but they glistened all the same. His lips weren't chapped, unlike many of the other boys among them, he took care of himself.
"What are you looking at?" Armin giggled and threw his head back. He crossed his legs mindlessly and kicked his feet. His eyes were heavy lidded, the iris of his eye took up almost all of what was visible to Eren's eye. His cheeks were flushed red, his nose was dusted in the vibrant color too. His golden hair framed his face magestically. The blonde strands rested upon his neck and danced in the air as he shook his head.
Eren felt himself bite his own lip as he stared at the blonde. His face matched Armin's shade of red, imbedding itself on his cheeks. Eren leaned in towards Armin, giggling as well. He brought his face as close as he could, his eyes roaming over Armin's. He tilted his head and placed his hands on either side of the blonde's side.
"Nothing," Eren lied. He'd gotten good at that recently. Lying, he was a liar. He lied to his home country. He lied to his mother, to his father. He lied to his friends. He lied to Armin. And he was lying to himself.
"I don't think I'm nothing," Armin sat up and leaned in and looked deep into Eren's eyes. Eren leaned in closer so that his lips were mere milimeters from Armin's.
"I couldn't think you are either." Eren's breath was weak, but it felt intense on Armin's mouth. Eren could feel the hitch in Armin's breath, he could hear his eyelashes fluttering against his cheeks, like the flapping of a butterfly's wings. Armin tossed his book behind him, gently landing somewhere in the distance.
Eren's hand shook violently as he brought it to the side of an angel's head. He might've hesitated; Whether he did or didn't slipped through him. His fingers weaved themselves into the golden silky strands, his palm resting upon the soft and heated cheek. Eren's nose bumped against Armin's and he laughed lightly, too infatuated and nervous to put any real breath into it.
"Is it okay," Eren asked, "If I kiss you?" The question itself seemed to be one of consent, though the meaning far different. He wanted an answer, a real answer. He wanted to know if his feelings were okay, he wanted to know what it was that drove him to fall for the devil in disguise. He wanted someone to slap him and tell him no. He wanted Armin to deny him so that he didn't get his hopes up. But more that anything, he wanted Armin to say yes.
And that he did.
Their lips pressed against each other so gently, barely touching as if they would break each other if they tried any harder. Though it felt like an explosion the way they met. All the knowledge and understanding of the world crashed into Eren in that one kiss, the same way it took his breath and made him stupid with love. Armin was a haven, he was heaven, he was the pureist thing since the birth of God. Eren was the devil, he was the spawn of satan, he pulled Armin down to his level. Maybe it would elevate his status, maybe it was just to prove how worse he was than the ones he did believe to be devils.
Maybe he was just a boy, maybe they were both only human, only looking for comfort and finding something deeper within each other.
When Armin brought his hand up to Eren's hair, the answer, or a resemblance of it, seemed to settle within Eren. Love, whether good or bad, was the strongest drug, was more powerful than all the titans combined, and more beautiful than the voices of the church choir.
Armin's lips moved against Eren's. His lips sucked on Eren's top lip, he massaged it between his own, searching for something deep inside Eren. The brunette reciprocated, he took Armin's bottom lip between his own and sucked on it fervently, like it was the last thing he was going to do.
Their lips melted together and they pulled back before connecting like magnets once again. Eren couldn't sense anything besides Armin. He tasted the butter and bread Armin ate for dinner on his lips, it was sutble but it was there. Eren loved the taste, it was better on Armin's lips than when eaten itself. Eren feels Armin's breath coming heavy and irregular on his cheek, it was hot, nearly as hot as his mouth. Eren knew his must be the same, he could only hope it doesn't feel bad for him. Eren sucked on Armin's lip even harder, bruising the flesh and drawing a moan from the boy.
That sound sparked something within Eren, a flame beneath his heart, a wild animal trapped within the cage of his ribs begging and clawing to be released and get a hold of Armin. Eren bit on Armin's bottom lip lightly and pulled back, keeping the flesh between his teeth. The two slowly opened their eyes, Armin's darted to his lip between Eren's teeth, and Eren's to Armin's eyes, watching him watch him.
Eren let go and watched at the muscle snapped back and made a wet popping noise as it connected with his other lip. Both boys groaned in unison as they watched.
Eren leaned back up and brought his lips to Armin's, "You're so beautiful." He whispered. Armin swooned and placed his lips upon Eren's. This kiss was far more gentle, they didn't move against each other, instead soak in every molecule of each other through that position alone. They felt each other smile into the kiss, how Armin's lips went around Eren's top lip when they smile. They felt each other's breaths on them, how it was so uneven, matching the rapid beating of their hearts. They stayed like that until they felt their breaths even out and become one.
Armin threw an arm around Eren's shoulder, pulling him in closer, as close as physically possible. It was if they were trying to melt together, combine their souls, their bodies, their hearts. Eren brought his hand up to Armin's chest to press down over his heart. He felt the rapid but now steady beat of the organ, he felt how it pounded into his hand. With his eyes closed, he could've sworn he was holding it. Eren placed his other hand on Armin's waist and smiled as he felt the leap in the smaller boy's heart. Eren loved Armin's heart, he loved it beyond compare. It was the one definite thing that made him human, it pumped blood and oxygen throughout his body before returning it back to his heart, it was what allowed him to move, what allowed him to be there in front of Eren. It had to be the least bit proof that Armin couldn't be a devil.
Eren's hand squeezed around Armin's waist, causing the boy to jump into his grip. Armin giggled against his lips and Eren drank the noise like an addict dependent on it.
"That's gross," Jean commented as he walked by, causing both boys to flush, but not pull back. Eren nuzzled his face against Armin's, their noses booping together during the action.
"We should probably get to sleep," Eren whispered, his breath resting on Armin's cheek.
Armin grinned and looked him in the eye, a loving glint in them, his eyes crinckling with pure joy, "Yeah we should." He let his grip around Eren's shoulder tighten and he pulled him down onto the bed.
Their legs never hesitated, Eren threw his on top of Armin's and stuck one between his thighs. Armin turned his hips and pulled Eren flush against him, holding him as close as possible. Eren reached down and grabbed the thin blanket, pinching it between his pointer and thumb before pulling it up and throwing it over the two of them. Once it settled upon them, Eren fought the urge to flip onto his backside and have Armin sleep on top of him.
Instead he settled for cradling Armin's head and pulling it to the crook of his neck. Armin smiled against Eren's skin and shifted his whole body to nuzzle in further. Eren's smile was wider than it had ever been.
He could feel the judging stares of both Reiner and Bertholdt, but the saint in his arms shone much too bright for him to think of anything else. Devil, angel, bad, good, wrong, right, he would love the boy with every beat of his heart.