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Part 1 of I hope this email finds you _____!
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Dimension 20 Bingo 2022
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Published:
2022-05-19
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3,459
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1/1
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I hope this email finds you on the verge of an identity crisis!

Summary:

It's a good thing Riz puts his email on his business card, 'cause then Fabian has another way to contact him when he's not answering his crystal. It's also a good thing Riz takes on private investigating cases, 'cause then Fabian has another way to annoy him when he feels like making up excuses to hang out. Good thing they’re both up to cracking this particular case.

(or: Unlicensed private investigator Riz Gukgak and his client, Fabian, email back and forth about how to make Fabian's unnamed friend—who is definitely not Riz—more cool.)

Notes:

every day i go to work and i write emails, so naturally i was like "hey what if i wrote even MORE emails???" and then this happened. these emails were substantially more fun to write than the ones i for work.

also this is not fabriz and will never be fabriz and if you want it to be fabriz i hope you get the help you need<3 big thank yous to sav and faun who inspired me with their antifabriz fabian and riz fics, here and here. i am delighted to throw my submission in the ring for the aroace riz and fabian understanders club.

email skin from this bombass tutorial!!! also this is for the epistolary/letters prompt of the d20 bingo!!! go check out all the other awesome works for this event!!

i had a big silly fun time writing this and i hope u all enjoy!!!! mwah 💜

(See the end of the work for more notes.)

Work Text:

 

 

From: [email protected]

Subject: THE BALL ANSWER YR CRYSTAL NOW!!!!!!!URGENT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

To: [email protected]

Sent from my iCrystal

 

 

 

From: [email protected]

Subject: RE: THE BALL ANSWER YR CRYSTAL NOW!!!!!!!URGENT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

To: [email protected]

Hi Mr. Seacaster,

Thank you for contacting Gukgak Private Investigation. Kindly note that this address is for business inquiries only.

Sincerely,

Riz Gukgak
UnLicensed Detective
Gukgak Private Investigation
308-555-9753

 

 

 

From: [email protected]

Subject: RE: RE: THE BALL ANSWER YR CRYSTAL NOW!!!!!!!URGENT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

To: [email protected]

okay i have a business inquiry then

Sent from my iCrystal

 

 

 

From: [email protected]

Subject: RE: RE: RE: THE BALL ANSWER YR CRYSTAL NOW!!!!!!!URGENT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

To: [email protected]

Hi Mr. Seacaster,

I would be happy to assist in any way I can with your inquiry. Please advise the details of your case and I will let you know if my schedule is free to take it on at this time.

Sincerely,

Riz Gukgak
UnLicensed Detective
Gukgak Private Investigation
308-555-9753

 

 

 

From: [email protected]

Subject: RE: RE: RE: RE: THE BALL ANSWER YR CRYSTAL NOW!!!!!!!URGENT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

To: [email protected]

i’d like to inquire why dont you ever pick up your crystal when it rings???

is your schedule free totake on a very important call when your best friend needs you

and also do yuo take tips

Sent from my iCrystal

 

 

 

From: [email protected]

Subject: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: THE BALL ANSWER YR CRYSTAL NOW!!!!!!!URGENT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

To: [email protected]

Hi Mr. Seacaster,

Thank you for clarifying. Gukgak Private Investigation is a bustling crime-solving organization, so unfortunately we cannot always get to the phone on time. It is recommended to schedule lengthy calls 3-5 business days in advance to ensure we have the time to give your call the attention it deserves. For all urgent matters, please come to our offices in person or contact the local authorities.

Gukgak Private Investigation welcomes all information related to ongoing investigations.

Sincerely,

Riz Gukgak
UnLicensed Detective
Gukgak Private Investigation
308-555-9753

 

 

 

From: [email protected]

Subject: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: THE BALL ANSWER YR CRYSTAL NOW!!!!!!!URGENT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

To: [email protected]

heres a tip dont hand out business cards to people if you want them to think youre cool

Sent from my iCrystal

 

 

 

From: [email protected]

Subject: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: THE BALL ANSWER YR CRYSTAL NOW!!!!!!!URGENT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

To: [email protected]

That is not related to an ongoing investigation.

Sincerely,

Riz Gukgak
UnLicensed Detective
Gukgak Private Investigation
308-555-9753

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

From: [email protected]

Subject: Mystery to be solved.. GP reward

To: [email protected]

Hi Mr. Gukgak,

I would like to hire you to open an ongoing investigation. the case is that my friend is a loser and i need you to investigate how to make him cooler. i have some valuable information i think could help you progress in cracking the case. I will pay you in actual gold pieces at lunch tomorrow. Please

Sent from my iCrystal

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

From: [email protected]

Subject: RE: Mystery to be solved.. GP reward

To: [email protected]

Hi Mr. Seacaster,

Thank you for contacting Gukgak Private Investigation. As per our in-person discussion yesterday, I have agreed to take on your case. If you think of any additional info that may help the investigation, please do not hesitate to reach out at any time.

Sincerely,

Riz Gukgak
UnLicensed Detective
Gukgak Private Investigation
308-555-9753

 

 

 

From: [email protected]

Subject: RE: RE: Mystery to be solved.. GP reward

To: [email protected]

Yes thank you very much detective Gukgak I have a tip for you. make your emails less formal

Sent from my iCrystal

 

 

 

From: [email protected]

Subject: RE: RE: RE: Mystery to be solved.. GP reward

To: [email protected]

Hi Fabian,

Noted. For the sake of the investigation, I’ll do my best to implement this change.

Sincerely,

Riz Gukgak
UnLicensed Detective
Gukgak Private Investigation
308-555-9753

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

From: [email protected]

Subject: Bloodrush

To: [email protected]

Hi Fabian,

Thank you for your insights earlier today at school, and thank you for your discretion as this is a top-secret investigation. Thanks to your tips, I’ve been able to deduce that the target is very likely to attend tonight’s bloodrush game in support of his friends on the team, which as per our earlier discussion is an approved cool activity. I’ll tail him for the rest of the afternoon to make sure he follows through on this action and only offers his business cards to trusted individuals and only when absolutely necessary.

Please let me know if you have any questions.

Sincerely,

Riz Gukgak
UnLicensed Detective
Gukgak Private Investigation
308-555-9753

 

 

 

From: [email protected]

Subject: RE: Bloodrush

To: [email protected]

hi riz

that sounds good, thank you for the report. i am very satisfied with your progress is your company on fantasy google??? keep kt up and ill give you a five star review.

also if you can use your detective skills (or magic, if you have a wizard on your staff or maybe in your close friend group/adventuring party, this is a professional business relationship so i have no idea what your personal life is like) subliminally influence the target to buy some popcorn at the game, then i will double your payment for this week’s work. popcorn is a very cool thing to eat at a school event and also i noticed the target didnt eat at lunch today (and i know he doesnt eat breakfast unless his mom is there and she works the early shift and leaves before he gets up on tuesdays) and taking care of yourself and nutrition is considered EXTREMELY cool (i would know)

Sent from my iCrystal

 

 

 

From: [email protected]

Subject: RE: RE: Bloodrush

To: [email protected]

Hi Fabian,

Gukgak Private Investigation is indeed on fantasy google (see page here) and happily welcomes any feedback on our services.

As for the popcorn, I’ll see what I can do.

Sincerely,

Riz Gukgak
UnLicensed Detective
Gukgak Private Investigation
308-555-9753

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

From: [email protected]

Subject: Opinion?

To: [email protected]

Fabian,

I think I’ve made a breakthrough on the case. Through some incredibly sophisticated hacking techniques, I’ve managed to extract some photos from the target’s hard drive (see attached). They appear to be outfit options for his upcoming day at school—could you lend your background knowledge and advise which one would be coolest to wear? I’ve also extracted metadata from the photos that tells me the second one is a brand new casual vest he got at the Elmville Mall this weekend shopping with his friend Adaine—shopping with friends is a Cool Activity, so I think we’re really making some progress here.

Let me know what you think. I’m sure the target would value your opinion.

Sincerely,

Riz Gukgak
UnLicensed Detective
Gukgak Private Investigation
308-555-9753

 

 

 

From: [email protected]

Subject: RE: Opinion?

To: [email protected]

yes the ball the mall is cool but next time take me or fig so you dont come home with grandpa clothes (see your own attachment). but yeah the second one is the least bad. also ask your mom if you can come over after school tomorrow the hangman found some fireworks onthe side of the road and we’re going to set them off in gilears room

Sent from my iCrystal

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

From: [email protected]

Subject: im bored

To: [email protected]

the ball are you still grounded from the fireworks thign?? if you get this email me back i have an urgent case update

Sent from my iCrystal

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

From: [email protected]

Subject: RE: im bored

To: [email protected]

Hey Fabian,

Sorry just got back my crystal and computer now. What’s the update?

Riz Gukgak
UnLicensed Detective
Gukgak Private Investigation
308-555-9753

 

 

 

From: [email protected]

Subject: RE: RE: im bored

To: [email protected]

lol i forgot

Sent from my iCrystal

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

From: [email protected]

Subject: help urgent answer now

To: [email protected]

the ball do you knwo the answer to question 3 on the magical history homework? and before you say this isnt business related i would like you to useyour detective brain to remember that kristen accidentally dropped my crystal in the toilet today so this isn the only way i can contact you sincethe hangman refuses to go to your apartment after you called him melodramatic (not cool to insult my bike btw)

WAIT DO YOU THINK KRISTEN DID IT ON PURPOSE??? DETECTIVE GUKGAK HELP THIS IS A BUSINESS INQUIRY NOWbut also i do need the homework answers because cathilda wont do it for me

 

 

 

From: [email protected]

Subject: RE: help urgent answer now

To: [email protected]

Hi Fabian,

Given the circumstances I’ll make an exception just this once. With that in mind, I am going to forgo the usual required professionalism to accommodate the casual tone of a text conversation.

why the fuck would i know the answer to homework for a class im not in??????? if you want me to help you at least have to tell me what the question is fabian.

As for your business inquiry, let’s look at the facts: you asked Kristen to hold your crystal for you while you went to go to dance class because you didn’t want to walk all the way to the other side of the school to put it in your locker and you don’t have a backpack to put it in because as we’ve established, backpacks are uncool (people can throw up in them, or steal them, and we as a group want to avoid any of that). Then Kristen forgot she had it and you forgot to ask for it back, so when she went to bathroom later and pulled down her pants, both your crystal and her crystal fell out of her back pocket into the toilet.

I’m having trouble identifying a strong enough motive to warrant suspicion. What reason would Kristen have to want to sabotage your crystal? I could see her wrecking her own crystal as a coverup for wrecking yours, but I just don’t think there’s enough proof to make sense of her needing to wreck yours for any reason, unless there’s some sort of conflict between the two of you I don’t know about. That, coupled with the facts that she has a minus three to dex and was on the verge of tears when she was telling you what happened, I think she’s innocent.

Riz Gukgak
UnLicensed Detective
Gukgak Private Investigation
308-555-9753

 

 

 

From: [email protected]

Subject: RE: RE: help urgent answer now

To: [email protected]

okay thanks yeah that makes sense i think youre right detective the ball. thank you for your work i will deliver your payment at the rendezvous spot tomorrow night.

also LOL i thought you were!!! theirs a bunch of nerds in that class i thought you were one of them. anyway who popularized the use of the detect magic spell???

 

 

 

From: [email protected]

Subject: RE: RE: RE: help urgent answer now

To: [email protected]

*there's, and no.

Riz Gukgak
UnLicensed Detective
Gukgak Private Investigation
308-555-9753

 

 

 

From: [email protected]

Subject: RE: RE: RE: RE: help urgent answer now

To: [email protected]

no????? the ball. it’s cool to help your friends out when they need you!!!!!! dont you want to be cool????

 

 

 

From: [email protected]

Subject: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: help urgent answer now

To: [email protected]

..........

Archmage Matthias Scintor

Riz Gukgak
UnLicensed Detective
Gukgak Private Investigation
308-555-9753

 

 

 

From: [email protected]

Subject: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: help urgent answer now

To: [email protected]

thank youuuuuuuuuuuuu my very cool best friend

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

From: [email protected]

Subject: TOP SECRET: POTENTIAL SURVEILLANCE MISSION

To: [email protected]

Hi Fabian,

I'm feeling comfortable with the amount of progress we've made so far on making your friend cooler, but I don't want the case to stagnate. I think it's time to test what the target's learned and put it into practice—a contact of mine who wishes to remain anonymous has informed me that there is a party happening this weekend at the Skullcleaver ranch. I know that the target is friends with one of the host’s party members (very cool that he’s in with such a popular group) and I’ve just discovered that the target’s friend has invited him to come—obviously, a good sign for our case. Additionally, I’ve been assured that this party does not have an alcohol tax and further that stealth mode, if played, will be on horses instead of in cars and will not be mandatory.

I think it would be best if you tailed him and observed his behaviour. Then, you can report back and we can adjust our investigation from there. What do you think? I believe having you by his side would even further bump his cool cred, and you can give him tips in real-time in case he slips up and does something outrageously uncool, like stealing the host's flatware or asking people if both their parents are still alive.

Let me know what you think and we can arrange a meeting to discuss in-person. Since this is an after business hours request, I would be happy to mark down this particular mission as pro-bono.

Riz Gukgak
UnLicensed Detective
Gukgak Private Investigation
308-555-9753

 

 

 

From: [email protected]

Subject: RE: SURVEILLANCE MISSION

To: [email protected]

i think that is a VERY good idea detective gukgak i am very impressed with your work ethic on this case. this mission is a go!!!!!!!!!! i think i will just get me and the target to avoid the horses all together, just to be safe. meet me at the rendezvous spot tomorrow after school and we can gameplan

Sent from my iCrystal

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

From: [email protected]

Subject: SUCCESS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!next steps?

To: [email protected]

GOOD SHOW, THE BALL!!!!!!!! other than the ham platter incident (which of course we escaped from without having to take the blame, the target’s stealth truly is masterful, very cool) i think the mission can be considered a SUCCESS!!!!! SPRING BREAK!!!!! THE BALL IS COOL!!!!!!!

right now i am busy with cathilda tending to my hangover but should i recover by tomorrow after school we should meet again to discuss next steps. i think the target is ready perhaps to take the next step socially and get his kisses in. i observed at the party that his friend, penny luckstone of the seven maidens, seemed very engaged in the conversation she was having with him and to my trained eye, looked like she was very charmed by his newfound coolness. i think they could be a good match…. but youre the detective here. let me know what you think the target would think about this

Sent from my iCrystal

 

 

 

From: [email protected]

Subject: RE: SUCCESS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!next steps?

To: [email protected]

helllooooo the ball i thought i had you on retainer i am your customer dont ignore me its not cool

Sent from my iCrystal

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

From: [email protected]

Subject: RE: RE: SUCCESS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!next steps?

To: [email protected]

Hi Fabian,

Sorry for the delay. I think I have some information on that lead, but I’m not sure if you’re going to like it. It might be considered very uncool.

Riz Gukgak
UnLicensed Detective
Gukgak Private Investigation
308-555-9753

 

 

 

From: [email protected]

Subject: RE: RE: RE: SUCCESS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!next steps?

To: [email protected]

i didn’t hire you to tell me things i like, i hired you to solve this case!!! what's the information, detective?

(but seriously the ball you can tell me anything. best friends remember??)

Sent from my iCrystal

 

 

 

From: [email protected]

Subject: RE: RE: RE: RE: SUCCESS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!next steps?

To: [email protected]

I have a hunch that the target may not want to get his kisses in.

Riz Gukgak
UnLicensed Detective
Gukgak Private Investigation
308-555-9753

 

 

 

From: [email protected]

Subject: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: SUCCESS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!next steps?

To: [email protected]

detective gukgak i trust your instincts. do you have evidence for this claim?

Sent from my iCrystal

 

 

 

From: [email protected]

Subject: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: SUCCESS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!next steps?

To: [email protected]

detective gukgak i would love to hear your reasoning behind your hunch. no matter what its okay

Sent from my iCrystal

 

 

 

From: [email protected]

Subject: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: SUCCESS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!next steps?

To: [email protected]

riz?????? are you there????

Sent from my iCrystal

 

 

 

From: [email protected]

Subject: im coming over

To: [email protected]

Sent from my iCrystal

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

From: [email protected]

Subject: Case Closed

To: [email protected]

Hi Fabian,

As per our in-person discussion, here is a summary of the recent developments in your case.

The following are the main lines of evidence that the target doesn’t want to get his kisses in:

    • The target seemingly spends most of his free time thinking about solving mysteries, or hanging out with his friends.
    • While the target’s peers talk about crushes and kissing, he does not participate or seem to want to participate—even looking uncomfortable sometimes when these discussions happen.
    • The target has never expressed interest in kissing or other romantic activities, which is atypical for his age and social group.
    • The target seems to be very afraid to tell his peers about the apparent lack of these feelings due to social stigma and pressures.

The following serves as a written record of our agreed upon findings after discussing the above evidence—please review and confirm the following is correct and complete:

Investigator and client have agreed that the target definitively does not want to get his kisses in, and that that is alright by all measures, social or otherwise. The client does not intend to cease his best friendship or adventuring party involvement with the target after learning this information (or, as it was asked to be noted, for any reason ever) and while it cannot be proven, is assured that the target’s other friends will feel the same. Investigator and client have come to the mutual agreement that the target’s feelings are okay and do not make him uncool, and that it actually rules pretty hard to be part of the family, as it were. The client wishes to make it known that his actions in opening an investigation on how to make the target cooler were purely in good fun and he did not wish to actually change any of the target’s personality traits or behaviours, as he is plenty cool on his own (allegedly).

As it stands, this case is still classified and therefore all findings must remain confidential for the time being—thank you for your understanding on this matter.

As a side note, I would like to formally apologize for vomiting on you when you arrived at my office last night. While I was severely hungover and experiencing intense emotional distress, those things are not an excuse to shirk professionalism in a client-investigator relationship and I am profoundly sorry for my inappropriate actions. Gukgak Private Investigation takes full responsibility for incident and will be returning a portion of your payments in order to pay for some new clothes to replace the ones that were soiled.

Please let me know if you have any further questions. I believe this is the natural end of our investigation, but I am happy to open the case again and revisit any topics you’re unsure of.

Sincerely,

Riz Gukgak
UnLicensed Detective
Gukgak Private Investigation
308-555-9753

 

 

 

From: [email protected]

Subject: RE: Case Closed

To: [email protected]

confirmed correct and complete but i demand you takeaway the "allegedly" as it is a certified fact that the target is plenty cool on his own. i wont stand for any inaccuracies in this report, detective!!!!!!!!

also i have another tip for you.

Sent from my iCrystal

 

 

 

From: [email protected]

Subject: RE: RE: Case Closed

To: [email protected]

Gukgak Private Investigation welcomes all information pertaining to ongoing investigations.

Riz Gukgak
UnLicensed Detective
Gukgak Private Investigation
308-555-9753

 

 

 

From: [email protected]

Subject: RE: RE: RE: Case Closed

To: [email protected]

the tip is that its extremely cool (maybe the most cool) that you are not only my private investigator but also my best friend

Sent from my iCrystal

 

 

 

From: [email protected]

Subject: RE: RE: RE: RE: Case Closed

To: [email protected]

Thanks, Fabian. Someone once told me that it's cool to help your friends out when they need you, so I guess you're pretty cool too.

Glad we cracked the case.

Riz Gukgak
UnLicensed Detective
Gukgak Private Investigation
308-555-9753

 

Notes:

:) leave a comment and itll send me an email just like in the fic wooaahhh meta

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