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Hanging out in Junghyeok's room after school had become almost a ritual at this point. Yu Junghyeok would always be gaming on his switch while Kim Kim Dokja would be reading yet another book fished out from god knows where . And this time, like every other time, he was finishing the second book that Han Suyeong had recommended to him. It had taken a while ( ages , Kim Kim Dokja would complain, ignoring the murderous glare directed at the back of his head) for them to be comfortable with each other but they’d reached a point where they’d sit in the same room and never force conversations, absorbed in their own activities.
Eventually, Kim Dokja put down his book and let out an unintentional tiny hum, making Yu Junghyeok look up from his screen questioningly.
"Something up?"
Kim Dokja looked at him before letting out a sigh this time.
"Just thinking."
"About the book?"
"Mn."
"Was it bad?"
"No. Not really. I'm just comparing it to the other book Suyeong told me to read before this."
Yu Junghyeok hummed, pressing the controls in a practised, efficiently manner. "And?"
"Huh?"
"What are you thinking about?"
"Really wanna know?" He pulled a funny face. Yu Junghyeok wasn’t the type to hold great interest in literature really (even though some of the books he read barely qualified as “literature”), and he always conveniently tuned out of the conversation whenever he and Suyeong got into those conversations.
Yu Junghyeok looked up from the screen the moment the loading window pops up to calculate his scores. "You clearly want to talk."
Kim Dokja blinked, taken aback, before grinning at the comment. “Look how well you've gotten to know me, what a cheeky brat.”
"Just talk, you asshole."
"Fine, fine."
Kim Dokja brought out the other book from his bag, setting them side by side and crossing his arms, a contemplative look appearing on his face. "They were written by the same person."
"Hm."
"But the way they developed the main relationship was so different."
Yu Junghyeok's expression wrinkled slightly. "It was a romance book?"
Kim Dokja gave him a flat look. "Just because a book has romance doesn't mean it's a romance book. They're fantasy and science fiction."
"...so what about the relationship?"
He let out a heavy sigh, making Yu Junghyeok frown. "Was it that bad?"
"Just not my style. The fantasy was more... <I need you> love. The science fiction, which I liked better, was more <I want you> love?"
The boy lowered his switch with a furrow on his brow. "... what? "
Kim Dokja rolled his eyes. Yu Junghyeok really needed to get into reading. Sure he was smart but god his head was filled purely with gaming language. “These are all personal opinions but… <I need you> seems kinda unhealthy y'know? Like needing someone is such a deep-rooted, wholly dependent state. It's a little unfortunate to think of. Like there are so many things that could go wrong! What if one of them gets too tired of how overbearing the "need" in their relationship is? And then leaves? Then the person who needed them is left at a loss. They "needed" them. They can't function without them. It's sad.”
He pressed his lips together. “Or even if the person who originally had that "need" what if they move on from it? Then what does the other person do? They're so used to being needed, now they don't know what to do.” He paused before sighing again. “Or maybe I’m just reading into it too much. It just…makes me feel icky.”
"Hm." Yu Junghyeok set down his switch, resting his chin on his hand. "Never thought about it like that. So you don't like the "need" concept?"
He nodded slowly. "Being needed feels like it's too...dependent of an emotion. I don't think people need others. They don't need another person to function normally. That doesn't make sense."
"And so? What about the other?"
Kim Dokja smiled. "The concept of <I want you> seems much nicer. To be wanted...not just one part of you, but all of you...doesn't it sound nice? "Want" is out of your own violation. "Want" is similar to a desire. And it doesn't attach to worth or functioning like "need". It's less of a desperate word and more of an offering...?" His smile seemed to brighten a bit. "To be wanted sounds warm and kinda...all-encompassing."
Yu Junghyeok watched his smile turn into a grin.
"Wouldn't it be nice, to be wanted?"
The boy blinked, watching the room turn orange with the setting sun, the golden sunbeams lighting up Kim Dokja's features in an almost ethereal way.
"...yeah," he whispered. "It would be."
Ten years later, Yu Junghyeok was still gaming and Kim Dokja was still reading. One was finally a professional gamer, the other became an editor. And currently, they were side by side on the balcony of their shared apartment, blankets over their shoulders, waiting to witness the first sunrise of the year.
"I'm glad we at least managed to get a few holidays this time," murmured Kim Dokja, letting out a wide yawn.
Yu Junghyeok hummed, shuddering slightly at the chill. It wasn't snowing, but there were remnants of snow from the night–the reason they’d brought out the thicker blankets.
The sunrise was due any minute, but they'd been sitting there for almost fifteen minutes. Yu Junghyeok could feel his limbs growing stiff with the cold.
"So," said Kim Dokja all of a sudden, making him turn. "Have you decided on any wish?"
They hadn't spent any new year's days together. It was weird to think about but Yu Junghyeok usually went to his grandmother's with Mia to celebrate the winter holidays. And the last year Yu Junghyeok somehow ended up in America while Kim Dokja was forced to attend a company dinner, one that thoroughly exhausted him, making him pass out and only wake up at 12 pm. He ended up wishing Yu Junghyeok by text when it was new year's in America, which left him feeling a little odd. This time they'd promised to make sure they could spend new year's together and here they were.
"Wish?" echoed Yu Junghyeok, frowning. "Do you usually make wishes on the new year's sunrise?"
Kim Dokja shrugged. "I mean it was something that somehow became a tradition. Maybe you guys didn't do it?"
The man pressed his lips together in contemplation before shaking his head.
"Well usually after the sun rises a decent amount, we take the chance to say some sort of wish. I guess it's like manifestation? Because Han Suyeong did manage to land that contract with Star Stream Publications, and Heewon did end up getting a better job, leaving behind her bartender one."
"Huh. Wow."
"Yeah, you sound so impressed, thank you Yu Junghyeok," he crooned, making the younger scowl.
"Well? Any wish?"
Yu Junghyeok let out a light sigh. A wish? He had most of the things he wanted when he was a teenager. A good friend group, a good job, a good relationship with his sister…did he really need anything else?
"I thought we're supposed to say it after the sun is up?"
Kim Dokja pouted like a child. "Come on, I'm your best friend, I'm sure it won't matter!"
Before Yu Junghyeok could open his mouth, golden light peaked out from far away, making their heads snap to look at the horizon.
Their eyes went wide in delight before they twisted towards each other, bowing in unison and going "Happy new year!"
Kim Dokja grinned wide, while Yu Junghyeok sported the same small smile that he had sometimes around his friends.
"Then, I'll be in your care this year too," sang Kim Dokja cheerily.
Yu Junghyeok let out a soft sigh of laughter. "As will I."
The sun finally rose into the sky, painting the sky in a myriad of colours. They spent a while longer admiring it together.
"Got your wish ready?"
Yu Junghyeok raised an eyebrow, twisting his body to face him properly. "I have to go first?"
"Of course! Since it's your first time." Kim Dokja grinned expectantly. "Now, go on. what do you want, Yu Junghyeok?"
Yu Junghyeok stared at the man, and a faint thought passed through his head. ‘This is so much like ten years ago.’
Kim Dokja's features were glowing in the sunrise. The gentle golden washed over his skin, making his hair glow. His eyes twinkled excitedly, reflecting the same light. For a second it felt like Yu Junghyeok was back in the past, at his table, his console screen blinking on the surface of it, Kim Dokja smiling widely.
<Wouldn't it be nice, to be wanted?>
“I want you.” His eyes softened on reflex. “I want Kim Dokja.”
Kim Dokja stared for a while before it finally sank in. “What?” His voice trembled ever so slightly.
“What I want,” he repeated. “-is Kim Dokja. Yu Junghyeok relaxed back into his original position. "What about you? What is your wish?”
If he was being honest, he wasn’t planning to confess…ever. Kim Dokja had a tendency to be daft almost to the point of it being embarrassing. But he also knew that Kim Dokja would rather assume that a person thought nothing of him rather than get his hopes in any way. It was simple Kim Dokja things, he mused. He knew enough, and there were things that Kim Dokja had locked so tight in himself and nothing could get it out. Yu Junghyeok didn’t really need to know any of that. All of it had become a part of his daily life. Liking Kim Dokja, wanting to do things for him, wanting to make him smile. Even if was never romantically allowed to love him, didn't mean he couldn't make the man happy, right?
It was the plain and simple truth. He had always liked Kim Dokja. If he still was allowed to want something it would be one thing. Kim Dokja.
<To be wanted sounds warm. and kinda...all-encompassing.>
Kim Dokja turned back to the horizon, feeling heat creep up from the soles of his feet all the way to the tip of his ears. It rested in his stomach like a bowl of warm soup. Over his hands like thick gloves. Over his shoulders like a padded jacket. On his cheeks like a can of hot coffee being pressed against it. In his chest like when he sees Yu Junghyeok waiting outside his company building so they can go back home together.
Want.
He took in a clumsy breath, tightening his fingers around his blanket.
"I want-" His voice was shaky, embarrassed, but he squeezed his eyes shut and pushed on. "I WANT YU JUNGHYEOK TO DATE ME!"
A wave of embarrassment smacked him violently, and his cheeks burned terribly hot.
When he cracked open an eye, he saw Yu Junghyeok staring. A small gust of wind brushed past them, making the man's hair shift in a heart-achingly movie-like fashion.
But then Kim Dokja saw his wide eyes, shaking slightly, the pink dusting his cheeks and the way his mouth had fallen open ever so slightly.
He let a shaky laugh slip from his lips, looking away. "So...that's that..." What else could he possibly say?
"Kim Dokja."
"...yes."
"Can you look at me, and not the neighbour's drying underwear?"
"...do I have to?"
"Do you want their underwear that badly?"
Kim Dokja lets out a squawk, whipping back around. "I do not -"
Yu Junghyeok caught his face in his hands, forcing him to look into his eyes. There was something about Yu Junghyeok's eyes that always had Kim Dokja's breath stuttering. They strangely resembled the chocolate that spilt out of lava cakes, rich and brown, gleaming and shiny, so unbelievably captivating.
Those same eyes were so gentle yet searing. And at the end of that gaze was…him.
Yu Junghyeok's lips parted.
"I'm in love with you."
A familiar heat shot up from his heels to his ears for the second time. He was fairly convinced that his head was boiling too. There was probably a steady stream of steam floating off the top of his head, making him look like a rice cooker. His cheeks and ears burned scarlet.
Yu Junghyeok was in love with him. Wasn't this too dangerous for him? It had already taken him a while of getting used to living with him (aka internally screaming at the sight of "fresh out of bed Yu Junghyeok" or trying not to gape/faint that one-time Yu Junghyeok stepped out of the room with just a towel hanging loosely around his hips or even the time he watched Yu Junghyeok get sad over an animated movie and sniffle quietly into his hand).
He let out a stuttered breath, trying to come up with words that wouldn't make him sound like a complete fool.
“I...uh…” He sucked in some air. “Like I said." Why were words so hard? “To you...I-” The small smile on Yu Junghyeok's face made him wish he could melt on spot and never reform into a human being. “I'M IN LOVE WITH YOU TOO!”
Yu Junghyeok chuckled, brushing some stray strands of hair off his face. “Can't say anything without yelling?”
“It's to make it less embarrassing,” he argued sulkily, trying to break out of his grasp.
Yu Junghyeok pulled him closer for a second, and Kim Dokja felt something press against his cheek before Yu Junghyeok was getting up, stretching his body with a tiny groan.
He stared up at the man, blinking a few times before it all slotted into place in his head. “AH-!”
Yu Junghyeok grinned at him, making his heart leap around like a frog. “Slow much?”
Kim Dokja quickly rose to his feet. “You-!”
The taller rolled his eyes fondly before sliding the door open. “We should get inside-”
Before he could step inside, a pair of hands were grabbing at his blanket and yanking his upper body down sharply.
His eyes widened impossibly. On the other hand, Kim Dokja's eyes were shut tightly.
Their lips moved in unison, sending firecrackers off in his stomach.
Kim Dokja moved away a second later, looking more flushed by the second. "I-If you're going to do it, then do it properly," he muttered, looking away.
Yu Junghyeok stared at him, before grasping his wrist and yanking him into the house. The door slammed shut impatiently behind Kim Dokja, and suddenly he was being kissed again. But this time it was fiercer, sending sparks down his spine.
Yu Junghyeok kissed him fervently, one hand holding his cheek while the other was braced against the door. Kim Dokja's hands wandered before weakly clutching the back of Yu Junghyeok's sweater.
Their lips part for a second, enough for a ragged gasp to leave Kim Dokja's mouth before they're sealed together again.
Yu Junghyeok faintly felt like he was drowning in this scalding fervour, that did nothing but give him warmth. Impossible, unbelievable warmth. His thoughts were all muddle, only one clear one bouncing in there.
<want>
When they finally pulled apart, Kim Dokja's lips tingled.
"Well that was something," he said, laughing airily. He wrapped his arms around Yu Junghyeok's middle.
Yu Junghyeok huffed, the soft look never leaving his eyes. "Your fault."
"Why me?"
"You're the one who initiated it."
"Technically-"
"Kim Dokja-"
"I'm protecting my honour!"
"What honour?"
"You brat!?"
Kim Dokja paused as Yu Junghyeok's head fell into his hand. The man's shoulders began to shake slightly.
“Yu Junghyeok?”
His eyes peeked out from behind. The crinkling of the corner of his eyes and raised cheekbones easily gave away his laughter. “Why are you like this?”
Kim Dokja took a few seconds to admire his face as it creased with laughter, making his young-looking boyfriend look even more youthful.
He moved forward, resting his chin against his chest. “We're dating now, right?”
“Of course," said Yu Junghyeok, brushing his hair away gently.
"That means both of our wishes came true." He smirked. “Manifestation, am I right?”
Yu Junghyeok shook his head helplessly before kissing Kim Dokja's forehead. “Sure, we'll go with that.”
“Junghyeok-ah~.”
“Mn.”
They stood there, smiling at each other like idiots. Then Yu Junghyeok opened his mouth. “Is it as nice as you thought it would be?”
“Hm?”
“Being wanted.”
Kim Dokja’s eyebrows furrowed slightly before his mouth fell open. Who knew that Yu Junghyeok would end up remembering that conversation so well?
He thought of the way the shadows had cast themselves on the young boy's face, how his features had seemed sharper, the way his eyes glowed in the faint shadow. And then the way his expression had smoothed out into one filled with a hint of wonder. <...yeah. It would be.>
“Definitely.”
“Still prefer the <I want you>?”
Kim Dokja laughed, his smile gradually morphing into a grin.
“Only if it's you, Junghyeok-ah. Wouldn't wish to be wanted by any but you.”