Chapter Text
Steve grunted a bit to himself, hardly aware of the woman below him, the woman he was having sex with. He and Lindsey had been together for about a month and Steve had been trying very hard to love her, attempting to give her enjoyable dates, kisses, quality time, sex. Truthfully though, he fell short in all areas. Even when thrusting away inside of a woman he didn't love he couldn't keep his mind from wandering. He closed his eyes, and reflected on everything that led him to that moment.
***
Steve, Robin, and Eddie had been living together for two years when Robin brought up the idea of moving to New York. She said that her and Vickie had been discussing it for a while and wanted the boys to come with and start a new chapter in their lives. Steve was beyond excited at the idea of finally getting out of Hawkins, trying life in the city with his best friends and his boyfriend. He could still remember the look of dismay on Eddie's face, the way he laughed and said,
"No way I could ever live in a big city like that Robin, besides, Steve and I got all we need right here," The hopeful smile, the way he grabbed Steve's hip. It sent a pang of guilt into his heart even then. He and Eddie fought for days after that, they grew apart in the following weeks. Eddie was passive aggressive and Steve could remember just being a complete asshole. Eddie always apologized before bed, mumbled in Steve's ear about how he didn't want to lose him, didn't want to leave Hawkins and the life they had there. It all amounted to one morning when Robin was at Vickies getting ready to leave.
"Are we going to have a little going away party for Robin?" Eddie asked and snuck up behind Steve, putting his arms around his waist. Steve was annoyed, they had fought the whole night before.
"No," he said, pouring his coffee. Eddie nuzzled into Steve's shoulder sleepily and Steve pushed him away showly, wiggling out of his grasp.
"Steve- Hey… Come on dont be like that," Eddie followed him to the living room then froze when he saw two suitcases next to the couch. He stood awkwardly in place while Steve sat down calmly on the couch. He figured Eddie would have to come around eventually- if he just shocked him into it maybe.
"Are those.. Some of Robins?" Eddie asked, arms crossed over his chest. Steve shook his head.
"No, they're mine," he said plainly and Eddie just stared at him. God that stare. Steve felt nothing in the moment, but that look on Eddie's face is forever burned into his brain. Eddie looked so hurt.
"Honey… What do you mean?" Eddie asked, sounding much more calm then he looked.
"I mean that I'm going with Robin and Vickie, and you're more than welcome to join me. I'm not staying in this town Eddie, there's nothing for me here," Steve sighed and looked through Eddie. It was like he had been numb, he had shut himself off and had been living like a shell for the past month. Eddie was there though, he was awake and breathing and hurting.
"I'm nothing?" Eddie's voice cracked.
***
"Fuck- stop, Steve, stop," Lindsey groaned, pulling Steve back to reality, out of the depths of his mind. It had been eight months since he tore Eddie Munsons heart out, and not a day went by where he didn't regret it. Steve pulled out and looked over Lindsay's face. She was a pretty woman with brown curly hair and freckles over her nose. She was panting and glaring up at Steve which told him he was doing a shitty job at fucking her.
"Where are you right now? Aren't you having fun?" Steve felt bad, of course he wasn't having fun. He tried bringing up kinky stuff to her once but she just laughed at him, asked if he was gay, and blew him off. He sighed and climbed off of her, sitting on the edge of her bed.
"I don't think this is working out.." he said and put his hands over his face.
"You can say that again.." she scoffed and just lay there.
"You should go, don't call me.." she got up out of bed and towards her bathroom. And like that, Steve ended yet another relationship in the blink of an eye. He pulled on his clothes and left, walking the length home with only his thoughts. He missed Eddie Munson. He wasn't even in denial of his feelings. He'd been with Eddie for two years then he just threw it all away like it was nothing. He tried dating other men too, but it was never the same, nothing was the same. He loved New York but there was no denying that there was someone missing from the picture. He thought the feeling would go away, the first few months he felt nothing, just like when he dumped Eddie, but it was like he woke up one morning in the big city looking for a man he'd left in Indiana.
Robin had tried to talk him out of it, he remembered that. She scolded him and did her best to get him to realize his mistake before it was too late but Steve wouldn't listen. He got back to their apartment and let himself in. It was 7pm and Robin was on the couch with Vickie and she stood up as soon as Steve came in.
"Steve- um- hey, listen someone called for you while you were out," Steve took off his jacket and hung it up.
"Yeah? Who?" He asked, kicking off his shoes.
"Your mom.." Robin said cautiously, holding her hands in front of her. Steve looked back at her, frozen in his place.
"She said she got your number from.. From Eddie, and Steve.." Robin hesitated and shook her head. She grappled for the right words.
"Your dad died, she wants you to come to the funeral," she just tells it all at once. It was like a smack to the face.
"What?" Steve laughed a bit, and shook his head.
"I'm sorry what?" He tried to process everything Robin just said. Eddie knew their phone number, his ex, Eddie. He told Steve's mom that number, which meant his mom had gone to Eddie to find Steve. And, his dad was dead. That was the least shocking part of all of it. He could give a shit if his dad was dead, but Eddie, that's all he could think about.
"Steve.." Robin walked closer and pulled him into a big hug. Steve's father was dead and his mother wanted him to be at the funeral. He hadn't seen his dad since the day he kicked his ass.
"I'm so sorry.." she sighed and Steve hugged her back, taking it all in.
"Hey it's no sweat for me.. I hated that guy.." Steve laughed a little, but he was shaking slightly. He hugged Robin for a long time and then pulled away with a sigh.
"I guess I should call my mom then.. huh?" He asked. Robin nodded a bit.
"I wrote her number down for you, it's by the phone in the kitchen. Steve heard her voice but it was like his head was underwear.
***
"Stevie- honey," Eddie followed Steve to the door, he had been crying for the better half of the morning, trying to get Steve to talk to him, to communicate. Looking back on it, Steve didn't know what was wrong with him. Still he never understood what possessed him in those months. He loved Eddie- adored him with his whole heart. He lived and breathed Eddie, the sound of his voice, the feeling of his frizzy hair. Yet he was so cruel. He was so detached and cold. He was like his father.
"No- I told you Eddie, I told you that I wanted to go, but you didn't listen," Steve sighed, he wouldn't even look at Eddie.
"Steve I.. I can't, I can't go- I can't lose you though, please just, talk to me! Somethings wrong, it has been for a few weeks, please, don't shut me out here," Eddie practically begged, holding onto Steve's arm. Steve pulled his arm away and stared Eddie in the face. He reached up and took hold of his necklace, the one that hadn't left his neck in almost two years, and he yanked. He broke the chain and dropped it onto the floor.
"Consider yourself shut out," Steve shrugged and took his bags. He walked out of their apartment to his car. He caught a glimpse of Eddie falling to the floor to pick up the broken necklace. He saw Eddie running after his car as he sped away.
"Where's Eddie, I thought you said you talked to him?" Robin asked when Steve showed up to Vickies house. Steve kicked a few pebbles.
"We broke up. He didn't want to move," he said plainly. That's when Robin freaked out, when she tried the whole afternoon to get Steve to drive back and apologize, but he just wouldn't.
***
Steve talked with his mother. It was a short call, a polite and formal one where his mother informed him that he wasn't going to miss the funeral, no matter how much of a miserable bastard his father was. Apparently Mr.Harrington died when he was caught having sex with another man's wife. There was a fight, a gun was involved, and it made the front page of the Hawkins paper. His mother was beyond ashamed and admitted that she needed Steve's support. He hadn't spoken to her in years, he was going to tell her no. Still, when she started to cry…
"I know I'm not your mother anymore Steve, but I need someone here with me who knows the hell I've lived through. You don't have to like it, but please," The way her voice cracked. He was weak. He hung up after getting the details of his flight home. Steve retreated to his room and locked his door. He was in between jobs so there wasn't anything to get in order, not really. Steve cried. He didn't even really know why. He wasn't sad, he wasn't angry- he didn't feel much of anything most days. He was numb, with blips of regret in between. Steve put on the happy face, and tried to have a good life. He ate ice cream and went out with his best friends. He read books in coffee shops and went to local gay bars to dance the night away. He was fucking trying.
Steve sniffled and wiped his eyes harshly, then reached into his nightstand. There, buried under a bunch of junk was a small box. He opened it as he often did and just stared at the contents. The structure his life once had, the simple bliss of domestic days and nights, it stared him in the face. Inside the small box was a picture of Eddie, and the ring he had given Steve. Oh he sobbed. He put the ring on his left thumb, and it felt right. No matter how long it had been since he wore it, he still felt naked every day without it. Steve knew that going back to Hawkins was a stupid idea, he knew he had to avoid his banished love at all cost. It was his fault- he was the one who fucked up and threw his life away, he didnt get to be sad or angry about it.
"So stupid.." he mumbled to himself and put the ring back into the box. He stayed up late packing his things for his flight the next evening. The next morning he told Robin what was happening and then he took a breath, deciding to ask what was on his mind.
"Robin- why does… Does Eddie have our phone number?" Steve leaned on the counter, Robin sighed and looked down at her coffee.
"As soon as we got the new line, I called him. Steve, I don't want to sound like a dick but you were.. You were in the wrong. It's like you were out of your mind or something, I had to talk to Eddie, he was my friend too… He never asked to talk to you, but he just- asked how you were doing," She looked back up at Steve.
"I guess I thought someday you'd wake up, and call him yourself. You never did though. Steve, you were a jerk to him. I'm sorry I never told you, or whatever, but I had to," She shrugged a bit. Steve blinked a few times and nodded his head. He wondered what kind of conversation he wanted to have with her. He couldn't believe Robin knew how stupid and dickish he was acting, and still loved and supported him all the same. He never deserved Robin as a friend, and he was so heartbroken to know he disappointed her like that.
"Robin, I… I did wake up…" He sighed and took a seat next to her at the table. She scooted closer and leaned on his shoulder.
"Three months after we moved in, I was at work and I saw.. This guy. He had tattoos, and long, curly hair. I thought it was him… Fuck I got so excited, I lit up, it was the first time I'd felt something in months," Steve held Robins hand in his own and pulled a knee up to his chest.
"Of course it wasn't him. And when I realized that, it was like, I'd been on autopilot and just entered my brain in the middle of my shift at the cafe. I fucking, wasnt real, Robin. I wasn't me- I was this shell, I felt nothing. And then I felt everything all at once. I missed him so bad, I seriously thought I was having a heart attack," he laughed sadly and Robin squeezed his hand. She sniffled in his ear, and he knew she was crying.
"Why didn't you tell me? Why didn't you call him?" She asked, tone slightly angry.
"Because you're right, I was a jerk. I fucked it all up- broke Eddies heart and didnt care afterwards. What kind of a person does that? It had been three months, what was I supposed to do? Call him up crying 'I miss you'?" Steve sighed.
"Yes!" Robin scoffed,
"No- maybe… I don't know Steve. But you dont… You dont blow up someone's life and act like it never happened," Robin moved in her seat and bonked her head on his shoulder.
"That's why I never called… I knew he must fucking hate me.." Steve rubbed his own tired eyes a bit.
"Steve you fucking idiot…" she groand and sat up, Steve frowned.
"He still asks about you, doofus. We talk all the time and every single time he gets this weird, sad voice and He asks me- 'How's Stevie doing?'. And you know what I say? How should I know! He doesn't talk to me anymore, he always looks sad and is banging some girl he clearly hates. And I love him but sometimes I just want to shake him and ask what the hell he's doing with his life!" She rants, and faces Steve more fully. Steve doesn't know what to think. He just stares at his best friend in disbelief.
"He asks about me?" Is all he can manage to say. Robin shoves him in the shoulder.
"You butthead, yes! Listen- at least see him while you're there, just think about going to see him! You're miserable Steve, you know it…" She pulled him into a big hug and he held her back tightly.
"I'll think about it.." he sighed.