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Life has always been a blur for Eiji Okumura. Having to force a smile on his face every day; to act like the “picture-perfect” son everyone thinks he is, except for his mother of course; to greet everyone politely and act like nothing's wrong, even though the days blur together and weeks pass by in seconds. But of course, like clockwork, Eiji pushes through—forcing all of his anxiety and intrusive thoughts to the back of his mind—as he “lives” this pathetic life of his.
It hurt a lot when he was younger. The constant verbal abuse and neglect from his mother, the weight of his father’s liver disease on his shoulder, and basically being the sole caretaker of his little sister, was almost too much to bear. He remembers being left alone at home for hours, with his oblivious sister— barely any food or money— as his mother spent the night at some random guy’s house. They barely had enough money to pay his father’s medical bills after drinking himself into oblivion and destroying his liver, and his mother leaving Eiji and Kyoko to fend for themselves and doing who knows what every day until she comes home at 3 A.M., reeking of the smell of cigarettes and sex.
He could do this, he has been doing this. For two years he worked himself dry, providing for his sister, paying off his dad’s medical bills, constantly having to keep up his “poster-child” persona and training for the Olympics. Eiji had to juggle the burden of getting a job, taking care of his sister and still going to school everyday and getting good grades. At first, his only solace out of all of this, was pole-vaulting. He could forget everything, even for just 2 seconds, as he jumps—soaring in the sky; feeling the wind in his hair, caressing his cheeks—until he has to come down again, because happiness is only temporary, after all. But even then, the universe wouldn’t let him have those two seconds of freedom either.
At one point in time, he was the best pole-vaulter in his team, the fastest on the track team, and the captain. And when he met Ibe-san, he believed that he could actually win at Nationals, and make Ibe-san, his sister and everyone in Izumo proud. So, with Ibe-san’s help, he worked harder. His sister stayed with Ibe-san and his girlfriend Aiko, when he was training. And he spent every moment in his free time training. Eiji set records, and was perfect in his teammates eyes, and everyone else’s. However, when he was 17, his height led to his undoing. Eiji was a sapling in a forest of towering redwoods. His records, which took years of training and hard-work, were crushed in seconds. His spot in the nationals was taken out of his grasp. His anxiety and depression grew, until it eventually became a cloud hanging over his head. In his mind, he was a laughing-stock, a poser, a pathetic excuse of a life. Soon enough, his façade gradually started to crumble. All of his self-hate turned into self-harm. He started to starve himself, because why would a waste of a life like him deserve to have food. Under soft woolen sweaters and khaki trousers lay hundreds of cuts, varying from long purple cuts, to short faded white cuts, and fresh cuts, all wrapped in gauze. But he continued to live on, because what else could he do?
Eiji was pushing himself too much, and it led to his imminent downfall. In one wrong step, one painstakingly long second, all of his hopes and dreams shattered. His shortcomings landed him in the hospital— and it was all his fault. The cloud hanging over his head turned into rain clouds, muddling all his thoughts.
They tried to help him. Ibe-san took him to physical therapy, and his sister was right by his side, but he couldn’t help thinking that he was a burden to all of them. He was undeniably a failure, a waste of space, and a burden to everyone. He thought he could do it, but he couldn’t go on any longer. Everything had gone to shit and he just couldn’t bother picking up the pieces anymore.
Eiji had it all planned out. He saved up all of his money and put it all in a bank account under his sister’s name, and wrote notes to her and Ibe-san, all while keeping up his facade of getting better so they wouldn’t suspect anything. It wasn’t an insane plan by any means, Eiji was just going to tie up loose ends and down a bottle of pills and a shit ton of alcohol. He wouldn’t be able to stand it if his sister found him. He saw her and Ibe-san one last time, before heading home. He just sat there, in the bathtub, an empty bottle of scotch and pills in his hand. His pulse quickened, and soon enough, breathing became difficult — and dots appeared in his vision — before he blacked out.
"I say I'm gonna stage a great escape/ Let loose a love all pent up and painfully out of place/ Doo-doo-doo, I'm a loser, a disgrace" - Problems by Mother Mother