Work Text:
"Miss Camila."
He didn't want to bother her more than he had to, not after being constantly worried for her real daughter, or after all she'd done for Vee and him, especially after she let them both stay even after finding out the truth about them. He kind of understood Vee, though why she still let him stay even though he wasn't actually her real daughter's friend is beyond him.
And he certainly didn't want to bother her with trivial matters, but he didn't know who else to ask. He needed the input of someone who had lived here their whole life, and the trust Vee had in Miss Camila was slowly beginning to seep into him as well.
He'd contemplated going to the human databases for answers, but Vee had warned him about their reliability.
Miss Camila turns off the human equivalent of the crystal balls he was never allowed to have back at the castle, turning towards him. He made sure to ask once he was sure the show was over. "Yes, Jasper?" They'd been trying out a new name for him at his behest, one that was just his own and not stolen from the person he was meant to replace.
Jasper fidgets with his hands as he gets himself to ask "May I ask a question over a small matter? I understand if you can't."
"Of course, what is it?" she offers, encouragement evident in her voice.
"I heard about this thing- this word, autistic, and I don't know what it means. Do you?" he relays the burning question, hoping she won't be angry at him for stuttering.
He'd heard that word thrown around, in public, by kids on the street, in the human shows. What perplexed him about it was that some people threw it at others like an insult, like the scouts that knew about his condition threw the term half-a-witch, funny considering he isn't even a witch, as it turns out.
Grimwalker. That's what he really was, and he deserved all the disdain that came with the word as it was uttered from people's mouths. Made to take someone's place, to live the life that should have been theirs, like the strange birds from the animal documentary Miss Camila, Vee and him had watched.
Yet this other word, this foreign human word, wasn't only said with mocking or disgust. He'd also heard it said in the same way that one might refer to a color, or a type of food. He's heard it as a statement that almost seemed to make the person hearing it happy, rather than hurt or insulted.
Miss Camila blinks at him, and he stumbles to clarify, "I'm sorry if it's a bad word here, I just heard it used both as an insult and maybe a compliment, and I was unsure of its true nature due to that and-" he stops himself before he accidentally digs himself into a deeper hole, shifting to look at the ground.
"No, no. It's not a bad word." she assures him, "It's just that I might not be the best person to explain it. But autism is like… one of the many ways your brain can function. It's something that some people can be born with, and they function differently and see the world differently from the others."
"Oh." Jasper absorbs the information, contemplating, "So why are some people treating it like a bad word?"
"Being like that can be difficult. It can cause issues with… adapting to the world, and things that come easily to others do not come easily to you." she says, waving a hand, and Jasper's gaze follows its direction before he realizes she's simply gesturing for emphasis, "And unfortunately, some people will simply see that as a reason to insult you."
So it is like being half-a-witch.
"But what if it's… bad?" he falters at the last word. Wasn't having more issues than others bad, just like him taking the place of a real witch was bad?
Camila's brows furrow, and maybe he'd crossed a line with that question. "While having these problems is certainly not a good thing," she says, clearly choosing her next words carefully, "It's also not their fault. It's not bad in the way you seem to think. Being sick is bad for example, but you can't control that, and no reasonable person should ever hate you for it."
Jasper elects not to tell her what sick days were like for him in the coven and simply nods, afraid of saying something wrong again.
Miss Camila regards his reaction for a moment before letting out a sigh, "Ayayay, this probably isn't even the best metaphor for this particular discussion, but I don't know how else to explain it." she extends a hand towards him before hesitating and drawing it back, regarding him with a firm yet somehow not threatening gaze instead, "Look, you should never be ashamed for simply being the way you are, even if there might be some negatives to it. You didn't choose those." Jasper frowns at those words, pushing away the surfacing thoughts in favor of finishing the conversation. "Besides, mocking someone for the negatives helps nobody to begin with, does it?" she adds, her face pinching in apparent sadness.
Jasper gives an almost imperceivable shake of the head. He finds that he can't help but agree. It certainly didn't help him, or Vee, or the Owl lady with her curse.
"So, you're saying that anything can be an insult?" he dares ask.
Camila nods "I suppose, as long as you think that there is something to be ashamed of about it." Truths, half-truths and lies, everything.
"Thank you for explaining this to me, Miss Camila. Your help is much appreciated." he says, giving a light bow, similar to how he used to back at the castle.
Camila smiles, "You're welcome." and he takes that as his dismissal, turning away and walking to the bathroom. He has much to think about.
If he isn't at fault for being a grimwalker, and if this isn't something he should be ashamed of, shunned for, because of that- that lack of control, then why did… why would Uncle do this to him then?
Perhaps it was the grief of finding out the truth about what his "nephew" really was, or perhaps it was simply a result of Belos' anger at his betrayal once he found out the true Day of unity plans. Maybe that had been the final straw that made Uncle see him as the monster he was made to be. If he had never betrayed him, and Uncle found out then, would he have given him a chance? To prove that he loved him just like a real nephew would, that he didn't know he was an impostor and genuinely saw him as family?
Now he'll never know.
Tears gather at the corners of his eyes, and he takes off the tinted glasses Vee got him to replace his old goggles to wipe his eyes and calm himself. No use dwelling on what-ifs, like Vee says.
He doesn't put the glasses back on, instead staring into the mirror and into his vivid eyes for what must be the first time in months. They were one of the only differences between him and the real Hunter, or at least they were when his other components weren't reacting to the environment.
His eyes also set him apart from everyone else in the human realm even more than they did in the demon realm. But at least here people wouldn't want him gone for them. Sure, it was because they didn't know the reason behind them being like that, but it also meant they couldn't use that information against him. Maybe he could indulge and walk out in the open and have them visible with no fear, no shame despite everything.
Maybe not today, but one day, when he's ready, when he himself no longer feels wrong just by looking at himself, when he can call himself a grimwalker without feeling disgust and an urge to claw out his own body, maybe then he can try to just be.