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They had told him it wasn't the end of the universe. That it would be an improvement, not an deterioration. They said it would be good for him, for all of them. An addition to their group not an replacement.
They were wrong.
Either that or they lied to him.
Wouldn't be the first lie he'd been told in his life.
Would be the first one they told him though.
Didn't matter if they lied or was just wrong, it still hurt.
They had all said Vic Lopez would be a great addition to the team. Jason had told him to give it a chance, that Vic and him would be a perfect match. Ray had told him to wait and see, maybe he'd learn something new. Sonny had told him that changes like this was unfortunately necessary and that it would be a good idea for him to start wrapping his head around that. Trent had told him it would be good for him, a new friend closer to his age and maybe Vic could even help him stay out of trouble. Brock had told him he shouldn't worry, it was just a new brother, not an replacement of him, they'd still loved him just the same and that would never change.
Brock had lied.
They all had but Brock's lie had been the worst, Clay knew that now.
They had lied to him.
A sentence that kept repeating in his mind. Clay sniffled, brought an arm up to wipe his eyes, not that it helped, tears was still steady falling from them. He was in the team cage room. Alone on a Saturday night. Crying.
He was so pathetic. Weak. Disgusting. Deficient. Flawed. Inadequate. Unloveable. Arrogant. Egoistical. Bigmouthed.
He was just too much. Talked too much. Was too cocky. Was too loud. Too self-centered. Too much.
Yet right now he was nothing.
He was a ghost.
Ever since Vic joined Bravo, Clay had become redundant.
No one noticed him anymore.
Sure they still needed him for the hardest and most difficult shots. He was still the go-to-guy when a sniper or linguist was needed. The rest of the time he was pushed in the background.
All anyone had eyes for was Vic.
When splitting up in the field Jason always put Vic in charge, leaving Clay in the background to take orders from a guy technically below him in rang and hierarchy.
Hell it was like everyone had forgot Vic was the rookie, not Clay.
There was no teasing Vic, no constantly bringing cases of beer, etc.
Everyone was acting like Vic had been a team member for years.
In the meantime Clay was told to shut up and keep quiet like a good boy during mission breif's and plannings. He was the one stuck writing AAR's, stowing away equipment. Doing all the rookie work.
It was like his brothers had shut him out.
Like Vic had come waltzing in and taken Clay's position on the team and Clay falling back on old instincts and going into social survival mode had just let him.
Vic had started talking, being the loudest in the room, so Clay had gone silent. Somehow nobody had noticed that the kid infamous for his bigmouth and smartass comments barely even said yes or no these days.
Nobody had noticed Clay's silence. Hell they didn't even notice it when he didn't go with them to the bar anymore.
Jason had been wrong, Vic and he was not a good match. They were too similar and just like two positive poles of a magnet they repulsed each other.
Sonny had been wrong this kind of change was not necessary. Would not have happened had Jace and Ray chosen one of the other candidates. Clay had no problem with any of them, or at least not as bad as he had with Vic.
Trent had also been wrong Vic and Clay did not become friends. Vic was not good for him, quite frankly the opposite, ever since he joined the Navy Clay had never felt worse than he did now. Vic had not helped on Clay getting in trouble, nope after Vic had joined the team it had increased in number instead. Now Clay even took some of those stupid chances intentionally, not that anyone cared. They didn't even yell at him for it anymore.
Brock had been the one most wrong. Vic had been an replacement, intentionally or not. Vic had come into their lives and just like in the three dimensional rooms there was no space for the both of them in their brothers hearts. They loved Vic, not Clay.
Not that Clay could blame them. Vic didn't do stupid shit. Vic didn't fail. Vic didn't have an PNG'ed father. Vic wasn't broken. Vic wasn't time consuming. Vic wasn't needy or insecure. Vic was better. Vic didn't create trouble. Vic was perfect.
Maybe if Clay had done better, had tried harder to behave, then maybe they wouldn't have brought Vic onboard. Maybe if Clay had done enough, been enough, maybe then a new member wouldn't have been necessary.
He should have worked harder. Done better. Listened. Followed orders. He should have been "shutting up and keeping quiet like a good boy" from the start. He shouldn't have created all that trouble. He should have been better. Been more dedicated. Should have been all the team required. But he hadn't been.
Ray had been right, as the only one. Clay did learn from Vic. He learned he didn't matter. That he was replaceable. Unnecessary. Unloved. He learned his brothers didn't live him, didn't care. Learned he that he had never truly had a family in Bravo team. Had learnt he wasn't good enough. Wasn't who his brothers needed him to be.
Vic had showed him how big of a failure he was.
And now he was sitting here alone, crying in his Boss's cage, because he desperately wanted Jason to notice, to come and comfort him, to make it all better.
He missed being able to ask Jason for advice. Even though the man acted like he hated it, he had always thought some part of Jason had enjoyed it. That they had bonded. Some sort of father-son moment. Apparently he had been wrong.
He missed Ray looking at him with that calming smile. Making all his worries, all his anger, all his pain evaporated for the time being. Ray hadn't smiled at him in a long time.
He missed hanging out with Sonny. He missed his best friend. Now Sonny was all caught up in Vic and his sickening charms.
Had Clay been like that? Had he had the same kind of charm? Same form of arrogance? Same cockiness? Had he been just as unbearable to be near?
He missed Trent patching him up again. Trent was rough, for sure, but he had also cared once, been worried. Trent had mumbled and lectured and threatened Clay, all in the name of brotherly love. Now Clay couldn't get himself to ask Trent for help, instead resign himself to take care of injuries on his own. Now he hid them and patched himself up. There were a time his brothers would hav noticed him doing something like that, would have been upset with him. They didn't anymore.
He briefly wondered if Jason would even question there being blood on his cage floor tomorrow. It was seeping through the haphazardly fixed bandages, through his t-shirt, onto Jason's flannel hugged tightly by Clay, drops falling on to the floor.
Clay didn't care. He just clung harder to the flannel, taking in the scent of what used to mean safety, family, a father figure, love, hope, a promise of happiness or comfort.
He missed Brock, too. Missed the two of them taking Cerb to the park. Missed their inside jokes. Missed how Brock would always listen. It didn't matter if Clay passionately rambled on for hours about problems, dreams, politics, international news and changes, books, tv shows, fandoms, actors, human rights, no matter what it was Brock had always been listening intensely. Nobody listened to him anymore.
The moment Vic's hopes on Bravo had started, Clay's had ended.
Clay had lost everything.
Worst part was he couldn't even transfer to another team. Most teams still hated him for being Ash's son, didn't matter what Bravo said or how many times Clay proved himself, in their eyes he still didn't belong in DEVGRU. And those teams that didn't hold Ash against him? He couldn't transfer to them either. He would be transferring of off Bravo, a legendary team, the team everyone wanted to be on. If he transferred it would start new rounds of whispers behind his back, ignite new rumors, crazy stories. Nobody would doubt the problem lay in him and not Bravo. They would all see it as Bravo getting rid of him and not as Clay leaving in his own. Nobody would want him. Nobody voluntary left Bravo. They would assume he was broken, unfit, defect, a failure and they wouldn't be far of would they.
No, he would have to stay where he was. Do his best. Hopefully one day he would prove worthy of his brothers love again. He would just have to do better, work harder and be more dedicated. He would have to behave better and cause less trouble to his team.
Clay shifted slightly. His balled up position on the floor were becoming more and more uncomfortable.
He really should get up. Go home. Get some sleep. Hope that tomorrow went better.
He just felt so tired. Exhausted really.
He slowly got up, his limps stiff, wound hurting, black spots dancing before his eyes.
He dizzily he took a step forward. Hit the floor. Couldn't find the energy to get up. Huh, seemed like the bleeding had been worse than he thought.
Not that, that mattered any longer.
Slowly his eyes drifted close, even though he knew it was a bad idea. He just felt so tried, tried of the universe hating him, tired of not being good enough, tired of being alone, tired of being abandoned, tired of being hated, tired of existing, tired of being lied to, tired of being disappointed, tired of being lied to, tired of fighting, tired of being strong, tried of being the hero, tried of living. He was tried of being tried.
What did it matter if he didn't got up right now?
He would eventually. Always did in the end. Wasn't like the universe would show him any mercy and let him die right here, right now, hadn't done so in the past. Every time he thought he finally had reached the end, he woke up somewhere, somehow still alive and so he kept fighting for awhile longer.
If this was the end, it would okay with him but based on the past it wouldn't be.
So when his world went dark, he didn't fight it.
Didn't do a difference in the e...