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Izuku woke up feeling empty. The desire to do anything had abandoned him. He didn’t want to get out of bed or get dressed or go to school. He didn’t want to learn. He didn’t want to interact with people.
Some hero you are.
He was having a bad day.
Whose fault is that?
Everyone has bad days.
Do you even have a reason to have a bad day?
Why did he need a reason?
There are people out there with actual problems. Staying in bed because you ‘don’t feel like getting up’ minimizes what they’re struggling with.
He couldn’t even lift his head if he tried.
Liar.
It felt like his limbs were filled with lead.
Stop being dramatic. You could get up if you actually tried. Quit being such a baby.
Izuku could get up. He was just being lazy. What would his teachers think if he just stayed in bed all day? What would his friends think?
They’d think you’re a loser.
He can’t have that.
They’d have to pretend to care about you.
Pretending to care would be a waste of their energy. He couldn’t do that to them.
They’re training to become heroes. They don’t have time for your bullshit.
Izuku agreed and forced himself to roll out of bed.
See? Wimp.
He went over to his closet and changed into his school clothes. Be normal, he told himself before opening the door and leaving his room. As he descended the stairs, he fantasized about someone noticing and taking him somewhere to talk about it. They’d ask what was wrong, he’d cry, then they’d give him a hug and tell him it was alright. And then he’d have someone to go to when he got like this.
That would never happen. Who’d want to pay attention to you long enough to notice something as inconsequential as a mood swing?
Maybe he’d bring it up. He could go to All Might and-
Should you really be bothering someone as great as him with your “feelings”?
No. No, he shouldn’t. But maybe another teacher-
You just want attention. You would do anything for it. Your friends would be repulsed by you if they knew how fucked up you are.
Izuku couldn’t let anyone know he wasn’t feeling great, so when he reached the bottom step he put on a smile and greeted his classmates as they all shuffled out the door in groups of three or four. He grabbed an apple and a granola bar from the kitchen and followed after them as he scarfed his impromptu meal down. When he got to class, Iida commented on his lateness and Izuku insisted it was because he slept in as he took his seat behind his childhood friend.
You two were never friends.
Right. Izuku had always been nothing but a bug to Kacchan. A little insect he could squash at any time. Izuku was so self-centered to think they were ever close.
Aizawa entered the classroom and the greenette mentally prepared himself for another day as the man’s student. Aizawa looked so tired all the time no matter how many naps he took. Izuku wondered if there was something he could do to help the man relax a bit.
Stop getting in trouble.
Yeah, the man would probably appreciate that. And if he could keep his classmates out of trouble, too, Aizawa would be extra grateful.
“Midoriya? Are you listening?”
Hey, pay attention, dumbass!
“Sorry!” Izuku blurted out automatically. Aizawa sighed and continued with the lesson.
You’re such an idiot. Thinking about yourself instead of listening to your teacher. After everything he’s done, you can’t show him a little respect?
Izuku was terrible. Aizawa had literally saved his life on several occasions and Izuku couldn’t even focus in class. Honestly, did he want to be a hero or not?
You’ll just have to try harder from now on.
Izuku made a more conscious effort to listen and understand what his teacher was saying. He found it a little difficult at first, since it felt like his brain was filled with fog, and it only got worse after that. Despite his best efforts, by the time lunch rolled around, Izuku felt like he was melting from the inside out. His body did what he told it to, but his movements felt sluggish. Like he was underwater.
All in all, he just felt wrong.
Power through it. What you’re feeling isn’t real. It’s all in your head.
Izuku already knew that. He only felt this way because he wanted attention. This was all just some ploy his subconscious had cooked up.
You’re acting weird. You should stay away from other people.
Izuku nodded. But where should he go?
The roof’s probably empty.
And that’s not a spot people would visit too often, if at all. Without taking a moment to think it through, Izuku silently split off from his friends and headed for the staircase. He climbed up to the top floor and tried the roof access door. Locked. What was he supposed to do now?
There’s gotta be a way onto that roof. See if there’s an open window you can climb through.
Izuku went one floor lower and checked every room he could. As luck would have it, he found an open window in the fifth room he searched. There was only an inch or two of space, but he could open it more fully so he could get out. With a little burst from One For All, he launched himself up and latched onto the ledge with one hand. Then he hauled himself up and rolled safely onto the roof, gasping for breath. A little part of him was concerned about how he was going to get down, but he felt assured that he’d think of something when the time to leave came.
Izuku closed his eyes and took a moment to catch his breath. He felt a slight wind blow across his face. Yeah, this was much better. He opened his eyes again and sat up. Then he scooted back over to the ledge and let his feet down. Izuku had never been afraid of heights. He loved being so far up. He loved the feeling of freedom it gave him, and he loved looking down at the ground that was so, so far below.
He wondered what would happen if he fell.
Why don’t you try it?
Izuku didn’t want to die.
Maybe you won’t die. You’ve been lucky before.
If he didn’t die he’d be so disfigured he’d wish he wanted to die. He’d wish he had died.
There’s only one way to find out for sure. Come on. Aren’t you curious?
Izuku was very curious.
What do you have to live for anyway?
Well, there’s Mom. And his friends. They’d be pretty upset.
It would be a shock to them, but it’ll pass. They’ll move on. Everyone does.
Izuku pushed himself onto his feet and stared down, down, down to the cement below. What if he becomes a burden? If he doesn’t die he’ll be hated by everyone.
You have to be loved, don’t you? Just make sure you land on your head. There’s no way you’ll survive. Even with a thick skull like yours.
Okay. That should do it. Izuku started to move the last bit over the edge but stopped when he looked down at his shoes. Should he take them off? That’s what people usually did, wasn’t it?
You’re not killing yourself, you’re conducting an experiment.
Were the shoes necessary for the experiment? If he kept them on, would people think he was murdered?
Wasting another person’s time from beyond the grave. Take them off, just to be safe.
Izuku sat back down and removed his shoes. He put them together by the edge and went to stand up, but stopped again. He didn’t need to write a note, right?
Not everyone writes notes.
Izuku nodded. He remembered looking that up once. Besides, this was just an experiment. It wasn’t like he wanted to die. He was just a little curious. With a grunt, he got back onto his feet and looked down once more.
This was it.
This was . . . a terrible idea. But he’d already come so far. Everything he did to get onto this roof would be a waste of time if he chickened out now.
So, Izuku closed his eyes, took a breath of courage, and leaned forward.
Something wrapped itself around his body and pulled him back with extreme force. Izuku gasped twisting around as he opened his eyes to see what was happening when his body collided with that of another. He tried to see who had stopped him, but all he could see was the dark fabric of the other person’s clothes and the empty roof. Whoever it was, they were holding onto him too tightly for him to move.
It took a moment for the shock to go away, but when it did, Izuku was able to hear the other person breathing heavily.
“The hell-” A familiar voice said in a low whisper before they raised their tone. “What the hell, Midoriya!?”
Aizawa grabbed him by the arms and held him out. The man’s fingers dug into Izuku’s skin and there was a righteous fury in his eyes.
You fucked up.
Izuku gulped.
“What the fucking hell were you thinking!?” Aizawa screamed as he shook Izuku.
You idiot.
“Midoriya, answer me!”
Useless also-ran. Can’t even die right.
“Why are you up here!? How did you get up here!?”
Izuku didn’t respond. He couldn’t respond. He’d made Aizawa angry. He was probably going to be expelled.
Move faster next time.
He had to be faster.
“If I hadn’t gotten here in time-” Aizawa hung his head but didn’t let his student go.
You’d be dead right now.
Izuku wasn’t sure if that was him guessing at what the man was about to say or if it was the thoughts again. Maybe both.
As Aizawa took a bit of time to calm down, he started muttering things under his breath. Izuku strained his ears to hear the words his teacher was saying.
“. . . almost . . . could’ve lost . . . Did I miss . . . ?”
He hates you.
Aizawa lifted his head and looked into Izuku’s eyes, his own filled with emotions Izuku didn’t have the energy to recognize at the moment.
“Midoriya?”
Don’t speak. If he has to hear your pathetic voice, he’ll throw you over the edge himself. You’ll turn him into a murderer.
Izuku shifted his gaze away and nodded.
“You’re coming with me.” The man let go of one of Izuku’s arms and used the other one to guide the teen to the now-open door, leaving the teen’s shoes behind. Izuku let himself be led down one flight of stairs and into the elevator which they rode it to the bottom floor. Then Izuku was taken to a room with three chairs and a couch. Aizawa closed the door. “Sit down.”
Izuku looked at the hand still clutching his arm and the man slowly let go. Taking slow, measured steps, Izuku went over to the couch and sat on the edge. His teacher sat in one of the chairs, his body rigid as if ready to charge after Izuku at a moment's notice.
“Midoriya,” the man said through gritted teeth. “What happened?”
Izuku opened his mouth to respond.
If you tell him the truth, he’ll think you’re crazy. You’ll be put in a psych ward. You’ll never be able to see your mom again.
Izuku closed his mouth.
“Midoriya?”
Izuku lowered his head. Silence surrounded them for a good while and the thoughts took the opportunity to remind him of his worth.
Useless.
Waste of space.
Waste of time.
You deserve to die.
Weirdo.
Freak.
Annoying bastard.
Good for nothing deku.
Go kill yourself.
You’re pathetic.
Why do you even exist?
No one wants a mess like you around.
You’re not special.
Your existence is a mistake.
“Midoriya?” Aizawa’s voice sounded from right next to him and Izuku jumped at the suddeness of it. He stared at his teacher with wide eyes. He hadn’t even noticed the man move. Aizawa stared back at him, cautiously, and put his arms out invitingly. “May I hug you?”
Izuku’s breath caught in his throat. What was happening? This . . . this wasn’t how it was supposed to go. He didn’t- No one ever asked him before initiating physical contact. They just did. A large part of him wanted to accept, but the thoughts held him back.
Don’t do it. Say no. You’re not worth it.
Izuku’s bottom lip trembled. He wanted this so badly. Why couldn’t they let him have one hug? Why did they have to dictate his entire life? Was he really such a terrible person to deserve to be alone?
Yes.
Izuku caved in on himself and covered his face with his hands. A moment later he felt a hand on his shoulder pull him into Aizawa’s arms. He didn’t resist. He was being selfish.
Just this once, he promised. Just this once, I swear.
Just this once? You don’t deserve this. It’s not right. You’re not right! You’re the one who fucked up! You’re the broken one! The little devil child! Aizawa should be beating you up! Kicking your teeth in! Stomping on your head! You worthless freak! Look at him! He’s holding all his anger toward you back because you’re too much of a weakling to handle your own emotions! You don’t deserve to know this man, let alone be in his presence!
Izuku latched onto his teacher’s shirt and tried to hide away in the fabric. Somewhere the thoughts wouldn’t be able to reach him.
You selfish piece of trash! What the hell is wrong with you!? Get away from him! Stop wasting his time!
Izuku gasped for air and realized he was crying. When had that started?
Great! Now you’re getting his shirt all dirty!
Stop, Izuku pleaded. Please stop.
Why should we!? You’re breaking our rules! You deserve to be punished!
I’ll cut myself, Izuku thought. He still had his supplies. As soon as I get back to my room. I’ll do it three times.
. . .
The thoughts were silent. Then,
Four.
Four, Izuku agreed, knowing he was getting off easy. He was being so selfish. So cruel. How could he be such a pathetic little crybaby? He was so blessed to have the life he did. There was nothing bad about his childhood. No one was using him for malicious reasons. He had everything he could’ve ever dreamed of. Sure, when he was growing up other kids tended to steer clear of him, but they never outright bullied him. He never found a spider lily on his desk. They just gave him strange looks because he was weird.
“What’s wrong with me?” He asked himself, momentarily forgetting he wasn’t alone.
Aizawa sighed. “If I had a nickel for every time I asked myself that same question . . .” the man muttered, his voice trailing off. Izuku sniffed and looked up at his teacher with tears in his eyes.
“What’s a nickel?”
“I dunno,” Aizawa shrugged. “Some American currency, I think. Mic’s always saying things like that.” He shrugged again. “Guess it rubbed off on me.”
Izuku hummed a solitary note and curled into the man’s side. This would probably be the only time he’d be able to have someone hold him like this. He had to make it count.
“Hey, kid?” Aizawa said after a minute or two. Izuku gave one nod in answer. “Would you like to have a sleepover with Eri?”
Izuku frowned. “Huh?”
“Mirio and his friends are planning to have a sleepover with Eri tonight,” the man explained. “I’m sure they’d be glad to have you join them.”
The teen’s frown deepened. Where did that come from? What was Aizawa doing? Why would he-
Izuku tensed up.
Suicide watch.
“You can borrow some old clothes of mine or Present Mic for pajamas,” Aizawa continued as if he hadn’t noticed the teen’s sudden stiffness. “And I know we have extra toothbrushes somewhere. And if you need anything else, we can send someone to get it for you.”
Aizawa wasn’t planning to let Izuku out of sight.
“So, how does that sound?”
Izuku couldn’t. The thoughts would be so mad at him if he did. He’d have to do something big to appease them. Like chop off a finger. Or cut out his tongue.
The teen barely started to shake his head when the arms around him tightened. Aizawa didn’t need to speak for Izuku to get the message. This wasn’t a request.
Izuku changed his answer to a nod and Aizawa let him go. A part of the teen registered that the sun was close to setting, but it was a very small part and his brain couldn’t process what that meant. He just walked barefoot with the man out of the school building and over to the teacher’s dorm. Before they opened the door, however, Aizawa turned to him and said,
“We’ll talk about what happened tomorrow. Okay?”
Izuku nodded and they entered the building.
“Deku-san!” Eri cried out from where she was sitting with the Big Three on the couch before Izuku stepped one foot inside. Izuku looked at her and smiled. Eri was like a little sister to him. “Is Deku going to join us?” The girl asked excitedly.
“If he wants to,” Togata replied immediately. “Hey, Midoriya. Wanna have a sleepover?”
“Um,” Izuku shifted his weight from foot to foot. “Yeah,” he smiled nervously. “That sounds fun.”
“Togata,” Aizawa said before the blond could respond. “A word?”
“Sure, Aizawa-san!” Togata finagled his way off the couch and followed Aizawa to the side.
Izuku watched them with bated breath. Aizawa said something. Togata looked to the greenette and frowned before nodding. Togata said something. Aizawa shook his head. Izuku wished he could know exactly what they were saying. Togata nodded again and they separated.
“Come on, Midoriya!” The blond said as he rejoined the group. “There’s enough room on the couch for one more!”
“Oh! This will be fun!” Hadou said, clapping her hands as she scooted over to make room for the first year. Amajiki followed her lead, making room for Togata as he sat back down next to Eri. Izuku hesitated for a second, then sat down between the two girls. He felt out of place there. Like he was intruding on something special.
He felt a hand on his shoulder and when he followed it to its owner, his eyes met Togata’s
“Midoriya,” the other boy said, his voice serious. “We’re about to watch a princess movie. It’s really good, or so Nejire has been telling us. Are you ready to have a great time?”
Izuku stared at him for a moment before a huge grin broke out across his face. “Yeah,” he nodded. “I’m ready.”
They all settled in as Hadou (who had the remote) started up the movie. It was . . . actually pretty ridiculous. But the way Izuku’s peers were reacting to it made it a lot of fun. And what made it even better was Eri’s genuine reaction to watching a real person turn into a princess. The little girl was so sweet and Izuku couldn’t help but compare her to the girl on screen. In his opinion, Eri was more like a princess.
Sometime in the middle of the movie, Aizawa had them pause it so they could have dinner and while they ate they discussed the things they liked about it. Izuku thought it was pretty exciting and the songs were really good. Although he wasn’t sure if he liked the songs themselves or if the fact that Hadou had been singing along had influenced his judgment, but he didn’t bring that up with the others.
After they ate, they finished the movie and Togata snatched the remote from his friend’s hand before she could pick something else and put on a strange American Cowboy movie. It was very funny and Izuku noticed Eri laughing a lot, which made his heart soar with happiness.
Then Aizawa told them it was time for bed as he handed Izuku a bundle of clothes and gestured to the bathroom. Izuku got changed and rejoined the group.
“Hadou,” Aizawa was saying when Izuku reentered the room. “Why don’t you and Eri share my room? I’ll sleep here on the couch.”
“Sounds good, Aizawa-san,” Hadou agreed with a nod. “Come on, Eri. Let’s have some fun with just us girls.”
“Okay,” Eri hopped off the couch and yawned. As she followed the older girl away from the boys.
“Midoriya!” Mirio spotted Izuku and waved him over. “You can sleep on the floor between me and Tamaki.” The blond gestured to three makeshift beds on the floor. Izuku thanked him and crawled into bed. There wasn’t much talking between the boys, what with Aizawa there, so they settled down quickly and the room was silent.
Izuku couldn’t go to sleep at first. He couldn’t help thinking about how the day had gone. Honestly, when he got up that morning, just smiling, even a little bit, had been a burden. The thoughts were so loud. So forceful. But now they were silent. And Izuku didn’t need to hurt himself for them to go away. Sure, he made them a promise - one he intended to keep - but he decided he could let himself have this one.
With that thought in mind, Izuku closed his eyes and settled in for a good night’s sleep.
“Midoriya?”
Togata’s voice spoke quietly in the dark room just as Izuku was feeling himself nod off.
“Hmmm?” Izuku replied, trying not to sound irritated.
“Nothing,” Togata shifted. “Just . . . making sure you’re still there.”
Izuku blinked open his eyes and stared at the older boy.
“Thanks.”
Sleep came swiftly after that. And if, when they woke up the next morning, Izuku was a little closer to Togata than Amajiki, well, Izuku could blame it on him being a restless sleeper.