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“Hey.”
He approaches the tombstone again after the crowd has dispersed and went back home. Flowers of different colours lean against the rectangular, granite grave. The thought of the man he loves, lying six feet under is prompted (again) when he sees the name sculpted on the stone, staring at the details closely to ground him back to reality. He is gone… like really gone.
He crouches down, eventually sitting down on the slightly damp grass with his back leaning against the left side of the grave. His right-hand wanders around the scattered flowers, feeling hopeless at the moment.
“I don’t know what I’d do now without you,” he murmurs. “The Legacy Virus has a cure now, thanks to Piotr, though he barely made it out alive.”
Tears glisten in his eyes, his bottled emotions slowly bursting out. “Why can’t you just survive a bit longer? After everything that we’ve been through? Our future was in our hands.” And now he is sobbing, tears streaming down his face. He takes a deep breath and wipes the wet stains away. “You’ve always been a pain in my ass, you know that?”
He smiles, reminiscing their memories together, starting as a student at the institution until the aftermath of the Dark Phoenix’s demise, which causes the Legacy Virus to start spreading like wildfire among mutantkind a few months later. He remembers the final memory of them at the hospital before the other contracted the virus and succumbed to it.
There is a whistling sound and he turns his head around to see Kitty Pryde waving her hand from a distance. She had agreed to accompany him, on the condition she decides when to leave the cemetery.
He lets out a sigh, facing the tombstone again. “I have to go now. Kitty is waiting for me.” He speaks while standing up. “Need to deal with some sort of mutant terminating robot being manufactured at Seattle. I wish we could deal with this together.” There is no reply, and he doesn’t expect anyone to return his answer.
“I’ll be back before you know it,” he kisses the top of the gravestone, the bitter taste of the granite devastates him on the inside. “I love you so much, forever and always.”
Kitty approaches his friend after being touched by the man’s behaviour of kissing his lover’s tombstone. She overhears some words coming out of the man’s mouth. ‘I love you’, ‘always’, ‘goodbye’, and ‘-boy’ are among the phrases she could capture. After a while, she touches his friend’s shoulder.
“You ready?” she asks.
He looks down at a pendant he’s wearing and holds it close to his heart, preserving and immortalizing the memories of both of them. He vows to never let his lover’s name fade away from his mind. A bright smile appears on his face, feeling hopeful for the days that have yet to come.
“As I’ll ever be.”
*
After loading the grocery in his car, he immediately hops into the driver’s seat and makes a beeline back home. He takes off his face mask and exhales a breath of relief.
It’s been six months since the Legacy Virus claimed the life of the first victim, and now they are living in a world where mutants are at risk of contracting the virus. He is no expert in biology, but he is aware of the high probability of getting infected by it, which is why Bobby had left the school and avoided public places as there is a high chance that he might be walking around infected mutants on the sidewalk. But that is not the only reason he left.
John. St. John Allerdyce is his other reason. Since the Alcatraz situation and helping Pyro escape the mess before the Phoenix obliterated everyone, he has not left the man’s side, even for a minute – except when going shopping once a month.
News of John’s existence began spreading hours after fleeing from the island when the both of them were spotted walking on the outskirts of Sacramento. They were lucky enough to escape, thanks to a little girl named Clarice, who had created a portal unnoticed back to a small apartment in Manhattan where Bobby had rented the room in case there were some life-threatening problems.
The hot-headed man complained that he doesn’t need his help back there, but deep down, Bobby knows all too well that a world without John is as if Judgement Day is coming earlier than it should be.
Speaking of John, he remembers the moment when the both of them need to talk and confess their own issues and feelings. He could never forget that historical day because to Bobby, that day made him accept who he actually is and embrace those feelings after repressing them for so long. And John was the one who helps him realize it.
He arrives at his apartment after a ten-minute drive. He puts on his mask and a cap, grabs the groceries and hurriedly stumbles upon the front door. Bobby notices that the door is slightly opened, so he steps inside and calls out for John.
“John? Johnny?” but there is no reply.
He scouts each and every square inch looking for John, but there are no signs of him. Plus, the whole apartment feels eerily quiet, except for the soft flutters from a newspaper of today, laying with its sheets wide open and the outside breeze brushing through it. As if their temporary home was ambushed.
Oh no, he thought.
Bobby immediately grabs his car keys and enters the car. There is certainly one location where John might be at the moment. The hospital. He knows this because Storm has been keeping him updated with the mutant-only-virus pandemic news back at the mansion. One of Storm’s students vanished one particular morning; his roommate stated that he didn’t notice his friend was gone. She began some research and deduced that these ‘vanished’ mutants were taken swiftly to a hospital as they were suspected to be in contact with the virus.
Luckily, the hospital is not far away from their apartment, but deep down, he is scared of what’s going to happen next. Is John affected? Why should every mutant trust this hospital? Does the disease have a cure?
No. He shouldn’t be overthinking this. John couldn’t have been in contact with the virus. They have taken deliberate precautions with their surroundings. What matters now is to find John before it’s too late.
Arriving at the hospital – which appears to be big and gloomy from the outside – and parking his car, he rushes through the automated glass doors and finds a receptionist jotting down some notes. She becomes startled as she notices Bobby panting breathlessly and staring at her with worrisome in his eyes.
“What can I help you, mister…?”
“Drake,” he replies. “Look, I don’t have much time, but is there any John Allerdyce here in this hospital? I need to see him.”
“Let me check,” she types the name on her keyboard and looks up at the monitor in front of her. “Yes, there is indeed a guy named just like him. He just admitted himself, and says he has a migraine.” She looks up and puts on an odd smile. That’s weird. John has had headaches before, but they never went to the hospital just to treat the pain away. “But you can only visit him if you are not a mutant and have a close connection with the man.”
“Nope, I am not a mutant as you can see,” he points towards himself, pretending to be a normie, as John would call them. “And he is my husband. We haven’t hyphenated our names yet.” That’s a half-lie. He has planned to propose to John if the Legacy Virus’ cure has been discovered, which is a long way to go. Nevertheless, baby steps for him to improve their relationship.
“Of course,” she points her hand across the room. “Just take a hard left down the hall and search for room 037.”
He gives her a soft ‘thank you’ and dashes through a small crowd of people along his way. They seem to be waiting anxiously for a miracle to happen. Bobby knows he should be optimistic about the situation and prays that John only has a headache and not being in contact with the virus.
As he walks along the hallway with the room numbers increasing in order, he can see the patients in their respective wards, presumably one patient per room. A wide glass wall and a wooden door is what keep them separated from the hallway. He also notices a mini counter built between the two spaces; probably a convenient passage for nurses to provide medicine and food for the patients.
The transparent wall should be easier to spot Johnny easily, he thought.
He reaches room 037 and looks through the glass wall. John’s here; lying on a hospital bed wearing his infamous black coat instead of a hospital gown, sleeping soundly. There are tears in his eyes, grateful that his favourite pyrokinetic mutant is alive.
Bobby enters the pale-white room and closes the door behind him, wanting some private moments with his boyfriend. Just as he starts to approach the bedside, John wakes up, coughing. He clears his throat while turning his head to the front. His eyes widen as he spots a worried Bobby walking towards him.
“You shouldn’t be here,” he mutters, his fingers searching for something.
“Johnny, are you okay?”
“Yes! Get outta here.” He knows he shouldn’t be shouting at Bobby, but he is not willing to let the other man get infected and die.
“But the receptionist said you have a headache,” Bobby asserts himself. “I was worried about you.”
John finally finds the call button on his nightstand and presses it. “If you’re worried about me, just get out, Bobby.”
Bobby is about to say something when a nurse who is wearing a mask suddenly appears in the room – how did she get in here unnoticed?
“What can I do for you, patient John?” she asks.
“Can you get this guy away from me?” John motions his hand to the hallway, ignoring the hurt look on Bobby’s face.
“Of course.”
The nurse grabs Bobby by the arm and tries to escort him out when Bobby starts to speak. “Wait, why are you doing this? John, tell me what’s going on?”
“The patient has been in contact with the Legacy Virus,” the nurse replies to Bobby’s question, making him horrified while glancing at John who is looking at the door instead of him. “Unless you are a non-mutant, you’re not allowed to enter the patient’s room by any means. I can provide you with a chair to sit outside of the room while you two can talk to each other easily.” She ends her talk with a smile.
Bobby lets out a soft ‘oh’ and exits the room. So, it is true… John has been admitted here because of the virus instead of the headache. God, the woman had lied to him about John, and now he is getting anxious. How did John get in contact when they have been very careful with everything?
“Bobby,” he turns around to the voice that comes from the room’s mini counter and notices John sitting cross-legged on his bed, facing towards him. His heart is filled with joy as soon as he sees the other man fighting back the pain that he is facing. For the time being, the known symptoms of those who are infected are lethargy, chest ache and skin lesions; at least for John, he doesn’t have any bruises appearing on his skin.
There is a plastic chair placed behind him as offered by the nurse a few minutes ago. He brings the seat closer to the counter and sits on it, not wanting to be on his feet until John could be discharged from the hospital. Although there are no restrictions regarding the visiting hours, Bobby is willing to stay here and look after his boyfriend despite knowing the other man wouldn’t be quite pleased with his own decision.
A brief silence surrounds them as they soak in any peaceful thoughts before it’s gone before one of them initiates a conversation. In their heads, they both want to keep each other safe without trying to hurt one another. And that’s the hardest part for them to go through at the moment.
“How?” Bobby starts while covertly hiding his growing sadness.
John recognizes that tone; it’s the one Bobby uses when he is in an uneasy state, where most of his concerns come from John himself. Spending the past few months living with the guy gets him to know better about the cryokinetic mutant and his life. Yeah, on some nights, there are minor arguments between them but in this environment, both of them reconcile short after with hugs and kisses. They know mutantkind is on the verge of extinction, and losing each other would be the worst thing to happen.
So, he starts explaining to him. “The nurse said I got in contact with a boy I met when you were out shopping.”
“What did he do?”
“I heard a knock, then opened the door to see him handing me a rolled newspaper; thought he was just a regular kid, so I took it and didn’t look back,” he notices Bobby is about to speak up – in a way he is about to advise him… again – so he cuts to it. “I know, I know. I shouldn’t give a flying fuck about that boy, but it’s been a long time since we’ve had any interactions with the outside people.”
Bobby knows what John meant, and he couldn’t blame him. It’s hard for them to stay indoors for some time with no human contact since Alcatraz. Sure, they have each other’s company. Still, they are both a people person and it kills them inside knowing they have to sacrifice an essential part of themselves for the sake of survival.
“I won’t blame you for what happened, Johnny, because I would do the same,” he lets out a chuckle, making John smile. With another short pause, he continues. “I’m planning on staying here until they find a cure for the mutants. For you.”
“Not gonna leave me alone, huh? Sounds cheesy to me.”
“You love it.”
Their eyes meet for a moment, radiating fondness for each other. However, Bobby knows and is willing to accept that this wouldn’t last long. Weeks, days, hours or maybe minutes left on the clock before John would succumb to the viral infection and die. He prays and hopes that John is strong enough to overcome the illness.
He hears John coughs up a dozen times before sipping a glass of water from his nightstand. This doesn’t sound good, he thought; so, Bobby tells John he’ll be back in a minute and runs off to find aid. He bumps into a doctor in a pair of scrubs he could recognize by their colour scheme and her appearance as he once had been treated by her.
“Dr Cecilia Reyes?”
The Puerto Rican doctor looks at him with shocked eyes, surprised to see her former student. “Oh, Bobby. It’s been a long time, and please, call me Celia,” he extends his arm to shake hands with the mutant doctor, but she declines politely by waving her right hand in the air. “Sorry, there are procedures to follow when meeting our kind these days. You’re here for St. John, right?” Bobby nods. “Figured… might as well give him this remedy to alleviate his chest ache.”
She reveals a bottle of medicine from her front pocket and gives it to Bobby. He has never seen this type of prescription before, but she trusts Doc Reyes’ knowledge in the medical field. This might ease John’s pain for a while, although he isn’t sure for how long. Cheating an imminent death with the help of science might comfort his fears for now.
“Thank you.”
“Don’t thank me yet, chico,” she snickers. “I am almost halfway there before I could find the cure for the Legacy Virus so that our kind can survive this pandemic.” She takes a quick glance at a wall clock before looking back at him. “Not to interrupt but I best be consulting other patients in the next two minutes upstairs. Hope you and John will find happiness after this whole mess.”
Bobby watches the doctor walking away until she squeezes through the waiting crowd, disappearing from his sight. He ponders on her last words given to him, and that has always been the idea and vision for him; to live with John for the rest of their lives. He’s not going to let that dream wilt and die, especially not at this moment.
He returns to his chair and places the medicine on the counter. While he’s gazing intently at John’s face behind the glass wall, he also notices John snapping his fingers at him.
“Earth to Bobby. You can still stare at me during the night.”
John puts on a sly smirk for Bobby to get his attention, and it did – Bobby’s face flushes with a blush of red and tries to hide it. His smirk gets the best out of Bobby without fail.
“Sorry. The current situation has me thinking a lot lately. By the way, here’s your medicine from Dr Celia.”
“You’ve met her? Gosh, sometimes she can be a little too pushy and caring. Reminds me of someone.”
“Oh, and who is this, someone?” Bobby eventually catches up with John’s playful gig, knowing where this leads as it always does. This has been his favourite one-of-a-kind conversation with John because he knows his boyfriend needs attention at times, especially now.
“He’s about my height, has brown hair and blue eyes, chaotic energy, his first name is Robert and his last name is Drake.”
“It’s a shame that my name is Bobby, or I’d kiss you right now,” he lets out a laugh, and John joins in the laughter, enjoying the moment. Then, he notices something that he hasn’t seen before around Bobby’s neck.
“What you got there around your neck, Bobby?”
“Oh,” he looks down and reveals a necklace hiding beneath his shirt. From what he could make out from afar, it’s a snowflake-shaped pendant hanging from the chain. “I got this from the mall before I found out you were gone. Kinda fits my style.”
“You should buy me one when we get outta here.”
“Nope,” he stresses the letter ‘p’ in a firm tone while removing the necklace, and placing it on the counter. “I’ll just give you this, Johnny. Consider this as your early birthday gift and a lucky charm.”
When John gets up from his bed to collect the ornament, Bobby holds up his hand, stopping him in his tracks. “Maybe it’s best if you take this when everyone’s asleep.”
John frowns and returns back to his bed, but he knows that. Risking the one he loves when the virus spreads like crazy is the last thing he would do, especially since Bobby is the only one left in his circle of trust. Most of the Brotherhood are either disintegrated or handed over to the cops, Magneto is in custody, and Mystique ran away.
Dwelling about the past with them isn’t going to bring him any good – Bobby’s exact words – he should cherish what he is doing in the present. It might surprise him that Bobby has the potential in the writing department just like him, maybe even better.
So, the both of them sit down and chat for hours. Mostly, they talk about their current relationship but never touch on the topic of their future. John doesn’t know if having a future with Bobby is worth it. Not that he doesn’t love him, but he was once a fugitive and left the school. He’s not sure if he deserves Bobby’s requited love.
As midnight approaches, John starts to yawn and mutters a ‘goodnight’ to Bobby as he pats his pillow. But, as always, Bobby interrupts.
“Can we discuss one more thing before you sleep?”
Bobby knows John needs his rest, but they really have to talk about this matter before–
Something seems to choke his breath, but Bobby manages to brush it off unnoticed. The ever-growing chest ache has been setting him off since he sets his necklace down on the counter and talks to Johnny. He also finds scattered rashes slowly forming on his palms and arms. It’s a good thing he is wearing a jacket.
“You okay there?”
His mind thinks of the possibility that he might be infected by the virus. No, he thought. He must stay strong for John.
It may be just a usual cold (pun intended) with an additional skin rash as the dessert. Nothing he couldn’t handle. He is Iceman for god sake. “No biggie,” he smiles.
Convinced that he has it under control and John seems to believe his facade, Bobby continues. “If we get out of here, do you want to spend the rest of your life with me?”
Silent stares are thrown between one another, hoping the other would respond. John just couldn’t form a sentence at the moment, tongue-tied after hearing Bobby’s question. Did he really mean it? Is he really that worth it?
Apparently, Bobby knows the silence is loud to indicate something he knew would happen – feeling rejected. “Forget what I asked, John.”
“Bobby,” he groans softly.
“It’s just a silly question, ‘cause I understand you don’t feel –”
“Bobby…”
“– the same way as I do. We’ve been drifting apart lately and it’s all my fault that you’re stuck with –”
“Bobby.” How big is his stubbornness for him to listen?
“– me since Alcatraz and you probably hate me right now for babbling nonsense –”
“Bobby!” he shouts. The cryokinetic mutant shuts his mouth, realizing his boyfriend wanted to say something.
John sighs. “Yes, I’ll spend my whole life with you,” he says, looking at Bobby with hearty eyes. He fixes his sitting posture to face Bobby and continues. “I still love you even when you weren’t ready to be with me, and I forgive you for everything. Can you forgive me too?”
And how could Bobby not forgive John when he does the thing that melts his icy, cold heart from within? His posture relaxed although the ache begins to spread evenly in his body. “Yes, Johnny. I’m sorry too –”
“I know, Bobby-boy,” he interrupts, and they chuckle lightly. They both know this battle of blaming their own self for their mistakes wouldn’t end if one of them surrenders to the other being annoying in their babble. “I know.”
He smiles widely at his favourite pyrokinetic, feeling content to have John’s wittiness present around them.
Bobby knows he’s running out of time. The pain is almost taking over him fully. So, this is what it feels like to be in contact with the virus, he thinks. All he wishes is to buy more time. More time to spend with John. He had wasted most of his mansion days being friends with Rogue and Kitty and juniors when instead he should be spending it with John. Had he prevented John from leaving, they would be together longer even if the virus will still be their ultimate doom.
Still, better late than never.
It’s almost two in the morning and he feels like he’s been given one last miracle. No way he is still alive when all he could endure right now is sitting on his chair properly without extreme movements. The feeling of getting up from his seat seems impossible as his legs don’t respond to his impulses. His abdomen is stuck in place and he could only manage to move his neck around. The Legacy Virus sure did execute its job in terminating mutants around the world including him.
Bobby knows he’s going to succumb to his death, but one last farewell to John could ease his resting. The only thing that is keeping him alive is that John is there and that’s all that matters.
A heavy cough dwells in his throat, and he tries his best to hide it by talking to John. “You should get some sleep, John. It’s way past your bedtime and you need it more than I do.” With a gulp, he continues. “I’ll see you, in the morning. I love you so much, John Allerdyce. Never forget that.”
He can see that John’s eyes weighing in on the words he said, making him heavy-eyed for sleep. “I love you too, Bobby.”
John smiles, and within a few minutes, he sleeps well, holding onto the hope that he will see Bobby again tomorrow. He has to survive. He has to keep holding on. For Bobby.
When John starts to snore, that’s when the pain is unbearable for him to handle. He can’t feel his arms and legs and his heartbeat begins to slow down. It’s time.
Bobby tries to swallow his fears, knowing that John would be alone by tomorrow. The thought of leaving him alone makes his heart crumple; this time it’s not John’s fault but his own. How many times has he failed his boyfriend? It doesn’t matter. He just has to hope John would forgive him for all his mistakes.
His strength is leaving his body faster than he could expect.
Taking one last glance at John, he manages to form a cuboidal ice box from his shaky palm. Bobby wants to give it as a parting gift for John, as a symbol of hope. To keep living for him. He writes the words ‘I Love You John’ on the front facet of the shiny icebox although his fingers are wobbly as they can be. He places it on the counter, knowing it would not melt for another two days.
Bobby keeps his vision only towards John. He stares intently and gets his facial muscles to form a weak smile. He smiles until he could feel that his body couldn’t take it anymore. He would survive and have a brighter future than me, he prays.
“Goodbye, Johnny. I’ll… see you soon.”
He breathes in one last time and his vision fades into nothingness. His heart stops.
The air around him chills as Bobby’s final exhalation gives out a Goldilocks-like temperature, spreading the warmth throughout the hospital. Some would say his x-genes pay a tribute to their fallen mutant, but only Bobby knew the purpose of his unique breath.
For John.
*
When John woke up in the morning, he knew his Bobby was gone from this world.
Not because he witnessed three nurses carry the cold body away from the corridor. No, he felt his surroundings finally complimented his pyrokinetic self.
A few hours later, they’ve found a cure for the virus.
Dammit, Bobby, he monologued. Why couldn’t you just stay alive a bit longer?
John got discharged later on, gently holding the beautifully-sculptured icebox Bobby had left him. His hand began to feel wet from the silent tears dropping on the ice as he read the words on it.
It all made sense.
He should’ve suspected Bobby’s coughing as an early sign of the contraction. He could’ve prevented–
But John had realised. Realising that Bobby loved him so much he wouldn’t want him to carry his hurt while John was suffering.
He picked up the pendant and wore it around his neck. Bobby would’ve been stoked to see him wearing extra accessories that matches John’s style. He smiled at that thought. He’s always begging John to try new and modern clothes rather than a single white T-shirt.
The doctors informed him that the funeral will be held in the evening and called the rest of the X-men at the mansion to attend. They were right – the people in Xavier’s mansion were Bobby’s only family left other than John himself. They deserved closure with their frosty friend.
John walked out of the hospital and looked above the sky, smiling with hope gleaming in his eyes. He knew Bobby would always be with him, even if he was physically absent beside him.
“I love you too, Bobby.”