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Twenty weeks into Mingyu’s pregnancy, they find out that their pup won’t make it. The news comes as less of a shock and more of a heartbreaking confirmation, one posed at the first prenatal appointment they had attended. Jihoon remembers Mingyu’s hand wrapped tight around his as the obstetrician had explained this would be a high-risk pregnancy. The chance of early miscarriage was an impending cloud over their heads, one that left a sense of trepidation in its wake even after they cleared the statistical “red zone”.
Complications appeared early on, specifically with the pup not meeting growth milestones and organ development. Week after week, they waited in silent apprehension as the obstetrician rubbed the wand over Mingyu's stomach, searching for the heartbeat. Week after week, they nearly sobbed in relief when it finally appeared, no matter how faintly it fluttered. It was still there, and the couple hung onto that fact until it was all they had left to confirm that their pup was still alive. That they may still have a chance of beating the odds.
The doctor who delivers the news allows them a moment to discuss options. Standing in the examination room, Jihoon feels like he's suffocating. He doesn’t dare take his gaze off his mate, yet his feet refuse to move to go comfort him. Mingyu, in turn, stares at the floor, arms curled protectively around his stomach. They still haven't spoken when a nurse enters the room again, bringing with her pamphlets for grief centers and support groups, and a tense smile as she sets them down on the bed next to Mingyu.
The omega speaks up when she leaves, wide eyes stuck on the images of angels and doves printed on the brochures.
“Maybe if we just wait, it might be a mistake, it has to be, we can't just… I won't…” When he finally looks up at his mate, his eyes are flooded with unshed tears. “We can’t give up on them, Jihoon.”
The couple sits entwined on the examination bed for what feels like an eternity. Mingyu sobs and Jihoon tries to think of something, anything, he can say or do to make everything ok. If he had a solution, he would go to the ends of the Earth to get it. For his mate, for his family , he’d give the universe. In the end, there’s nothing he can do. The doctors had given the omega only two options: they can intervene through surgery or induce labor after the pup was gone.
…
Three weeks later, Mingyu runs out of time to make the decision himself.
Jihoon’s at work when he gets a phone call from their neighbor, Seungkwan. He doesn’t even hear what the beta says as his attention becomes hyper-focused on his mate’s distressed cries in the background. He doesn’t remember the drive home or the walk to the front door. He doesn’t even remember if Seungkwan was even in the apartment when he got there. All Jihoon remembers is the sight of his mate on his knees, one arm wrapped around his stomach and blood soaking through his sweatpants. Mingyu’s face was twisted in confusion, but when he looks up to see Jihoon, it morphs into a heartbreaking sob.
…
Jihoon makes sure to carefully shut the door behind him, just in case his mate is sleeping. The stark white hospital room that greets him does not offer the warm welcome that their home would, but it will be a few days before they’re allowed to leave. He knows the medical team has their best interest in mind, but all Jihoon wants now is to hide his mate away from the crowds of people, bright lights, and beeping machines.
Mingyu is in the same position as he was when Jihoon left to get coffee from the cafeteria, on his side facing the window with a thin blanket draped over his legs. He’s lying so still that he could be mistaken for a part of the bedsheets in his white hospital gown. The slight tremble of his shoulder gives away his facade, though, and it lets Jihoon know that he hadn’t fallen asleep yet.
“Love,” he whispers, placing a hand on Mingyu’s shoulder. The omega doesn’t respond, hasn’t said anything for the past couple of days, but still shifts on the bed so Jihoon can slide in behind him. It's the only way Jihoon feels like he can help for the time being. He tries to keep his scent steady and comforting, even if he feels like he’s breaking apart from the inside out. Jihoon buries his nose into Mingyu’s neck, trying to push past the blockers the doctors administered to sedate him. Jihoon was offered blockers as well, but refused, wanting to be able to offer some sort of familiarity to his mate. The omega’s scent is faint- but it's there. It's what Jihoon clings to as he wraps his arms tighter around Mingyu’s back, afraid to let his mate slip through his fingers.
Mrs. Kim comes by later in the afternoon, waving Jihoon away while he frets over trying to make her comfortable. He knows the room smells like sickness and mourning, but it's also in his instinct to keep the mother of his omega safe and well cared for too. She takes a seat in the armchair Jihoon has been sleeping in, at least, where he pretends to sleep until the nurses finish their rounds and he can sneak into the hospital bed with Mingyu.
They make small talk for a while, and Jihoon feels guilty for how grateful he is for the conversation. It’s just been quiet in the room, save for when the doctors and nurses come in to talk about his mate. Mrs. Kim tries to gently coax him into going home for a few hours, to shower and maybe nap in his own bed and get some food that isn’t from the cafeteria downstairs. Jihoon can’t get himself to leave, though, even if he knows his mate is safe with his mom. When his phone rings, Mingyu’s mom coaxes him towards leaving to answer it. It’s his phone ringing again that finally pushes him out the door, much to his own dismay. Mingyu still hasn’t moved from his spot, and hasn’t eaten dinner yet-
His mother assures Jihoon that everything will be alright.
When he finally finds a secluded spot at the end of the hallway, his phone is ringing for the third time in a row.
“There better be a damn good reason you’re calling when there are strict orders not to contact me right now,” Jihoon growls into the phone.
“My apologies, Captain,” It’s his First Lieutenant, Wonwoo on the other end. “We wouldn’t call if it weren’t an emergency.”
That makes Jihoon pause.
“…and?”
“Sir, it's a code white.”
There have only been a few moments in his life when Jihoon had to stop and truly consider a difficult decision. He’s gotten this far- in life, in his career- by following his heart and his instincts to the core. But he knows Wonwoo wouldn’t call unless it was urgent, and a code white is the highest emergency level in their system. His team would understand if he wasn’t there, but he has a duty to them and the victim.
When he steps back into the room to gather some things, it’s like Mrs. Kim already knows. She pulls him in for a quick hug and Jihoon can’t help but melt. He’s not usually a touchy person, especially with sudden affection, but there’s warmth and comfort and a touch of Mingyu in her scent. She reassures him that Mingyu will be ok, to call if he needs anything and that she’ll be here until he comes back.
It rips a hole in his heart when he steps out of the hospital, his Alpha tense and tugging at the back of his mind to go back up to his mate and curl up around him again. He repeats the mantra in his head: his mate is safe, and he has a job to do. It’s what keeps him going on the bus ride to work, the hospital fading into the skyline of the city behind him.
When he arrives at the station, he tries to ignore the looks of confusion some of his coworkers throw his way. Wonwoo is already at his desk in gear, speaking to someone on their radio system when Jihoon approaches. They share a nod and then Jihoon is making his way back to the locker room to change into his uniform.
His team is already waiting by the emergency vans when he comes out, and they follow his lead of loading up when he gives the order.
The scene before them is unlike anything Jihoon has witnessed in his ten years of being a part of law enforcement. He had been involved with crime scenes before, even acting as an investigator in some of the worst cases of the city until leading his own team, so he’s seen some shit-
But this, this was something else.
He’s not immediately familiar with the neighborhood they pull into, but he knows it’s in one of the grittier parts of the city. The front yard has a broken chainlink fence out front, and the porch is falling apart from years of neglect.
The house they enter is littered with trash, from food wrappers to empty cigarette cartons. The footprints left behind by the first responders appear lighter on the carpet, which, judging by the stains and dust settled on its surface, looks like it’s never been vacuumed. Black soot from smoke and water stains has transformed the ceiling into a canvas of damage and disrepair. The house carries with it a dusty smell of rot and distress, making Jihoon’s head ache.
The couple who lived in the home appeared to be mild hoarders, based on how everything seemed to pile up along the floor. The main focal point of the living room was an old couch. The upholstery looked ancient, but that's what grease and residual smoke did to furniture. Scattered along the coffee table were beer cans, glass bottles, pills, and syringes. The responding teams had been warned the victims were drug abusers but seeing it was different from just knowing .
According to the police report, the scene was a result of an accidental drug overdose during a party and the resulting suicide of the mated omega, so overcome with grief they took fate into their own hands. Someone had called in an anonymous tip during the party, but the house was empty except for the couple by the time emergency services arrived. Devastating by itself, but it was not the reason Jihoon’s team was called in.
Moving toward the back of the house and clearing away a pile of boxes reveals a doorway to where Jihoon assumes the bedroom is. He carefully steps inside, shining his flashlight across the room until it lands on a mattress on the floor, covered in piles of sheets and clothes. Laying in the middle of the makeshift nest is a pup who doesn’t appear to be more than a few weeks old.
“Chief, we found the pup,” Jihoon hears Wonwoo speaking into the radio somewhere behind him, but the outside world is fading fast. It feels like his entire universe has zeroed in on the small bundle in the middle of the room. Moving more things aside, he approaches the bed slowly, slipping his flashlight into the back of his belt so both hands are free. When he’s a few feet away, he carefully extends his wrist out for the pup so they’re not startled.
The pup whines at first but turns their head toward his scent when Jihoon gets close enough. He steps forward and kneels beside the mattress, easing gentle hands down to feel around the pup for any obvious bumps or open wounds. They’ll get a more thorough check-up at the hospital, but Jihoon wants to make sure there’s nothing that needs immediate attention. When he’s satisfied that the pup seems ok, he reaches out and draws the blankets around them closed, scooping them up into his arms in a familiar bundle.
He can feel the eyes of his team watching his every move, but Jihoon can’t find it in him to care when he brings the pup close to his chest, brushing away the edge of the soft blanket that's fallen into their face. They have the same confused expression that most newborns don in their first weeks, a cross between an angry scowl and squinting curiosity. The baby in his arms stares up at Jihoon with the same face, and he holds his breath to see if they will start crying.
Unexpectedly, the pup just lets out a sigh, turning their face towards Jihoon’s chest and nuzzling around. Jihoon lets out a breath of relief, shifting so he can rest the pup closer to his collarbones and hoping the scent of someone calm will help steady them. He doesn’t acknowledge the expressions on his team's faces. He doesn't need to. Despite knowing his officers are strong, dependable, and unshakable in manner, he is also aware of what they’re watching- an alpha who just lost their pup, and a pup who just lost their family.
When the paramedics try to take the pup from his arms, Jihoon finds himself growling a warning from deep in his chest, something low and instinctual that's taken root. They’re eventually able to coax him into placing the pup into an incubator for transport but not without permitting him to ride along with them in the ambulance. He stays as close as he can to the pup's side, only moving out of the way of the EMTs when they need him to.
Jihoon allows himself a moment to think once he’s settled, the loud drone of the ambulance siren fading into ambient noise. A quieter part of his brain chastises him for being so unprofessional, for losing what was left of his composure coming into the scene for a baby when his entire career is centered around removing children from difficult situations. The only difference now is-
“Nothing of importance,” he reminds himself. “Work and home are separate spheres, just do the job you need to.”
And yet, he finds himself going with the paramedics when they pull up to the hospital, walking with the nurses down long hallways and past rooms of families and beeping machines. A scene so familiar, and yet so different at the same time.
He’s not allowed any further than the waiting room in the NICU, but he takes a seat anyway. If anything, he wants to make sure the pup has someone waiting for them after the tests are done. Even if they weren’t old enough to understand what was going on, that instinctual part of him is settled by the thought of knowing they’ll be ok. He wants to do everything he can to make sure they’re never left alone again.
About an hour later, he’s allowed back into the nursery. He tries to keep his gaze straight ahead, afraid that the knot in his stomach will only grow by looking over at the small beds, each labeled with a small tag. It’s only a reminder of what could have been, and now, what can never be. Shaking off the thought, he quickens his steps to meet the nurse at the doorway of one of the rooms. Inside, he can see the pup is awake in their little cot, staring around the room with mild interest.
“She’s small and a little underweight, but given her circumstances, she’s not too bad off,” the nurse speaks first. Jihoon just nods, a little dazed from the rush of adrenaline and instincts flooding his brain. “We tried giving her a bottle earlier but she wouldn’t take it.”
“What does that mean?” he asks.
“She wouldn’t latch onto it. Usually, instincts will take over if they’re hungry enough. I don’t know if she didn’t get the chance to properly learn or only likes the real thing…” The nurse sighs, walking back toward the cradles and gesturing for Jihoon to follow.
He’s allowed to pick the pup up again, and the nurse coos at the way she seems to naturally curl into Jihoon’s chest. He tries not to think about the fondness that swells in his chest or the sharp stab of bitterness that sits low in his belly. He instead turns his focus to putting out a steady, calm scent, moving one hand to play with the pup’s tiny fingers poking out from the blanket.
“You’re really a natural at this, do you have pups of your own?”
Jihoon tries not to let his emotions show on his face or in his body language, so he has to take an extra moment before answering.
“No, uh, my mate and I have been trying but we haven’t had any… luck.”
“Shame,” the nurse sighs, “This little one seems to be happy here anyway.”
After a few more minutes, he’s gently coaxed out of the room to let the nurses tend to the pup again. Still not wanting to leave her alone, Jihoon sits back down in the waiting room, scrubbing a hand over his face. He thinks about what the nurse said the entire time that he sits outside of the NICU. Their words won’t leave him alone no matter how hard he tries to shake them.
It will be a few days, but once the hospital clears the pup, the next step in the process is to file them as a state ward and place them into Korea’s adoption system- the same as it goes for every case his team is called in for. This time, though, the thought leaves a sour taste in Jihoon’s mouth. It feels wrong and out of place, floating around in his brain without fitting in.
There’s a cry from behind the heavy doors of the ward that gets louder as they’re opened, and Jihoons attention zeroes in on it immediately. Out of all the cries coming from a nursery ward full of babies, he has either already tuned into this one pup, or they have a strong pair of lungs that they’ve only now decided to unveil to the world. Either way, he looks up to see the nurse from earlier standing in the doorway. When they lock eyes, she waves him over, turning back toward the room he left earlier in a hurry.
“Someone is not happy that we tried to force a bottle on her.”
He can already tell what she means. There are a couple of nurses in the room and a small tray of a few different bottles on a cart next to them. The pup has been cleaned up again and swaddled in a different blanket, but she’s managed to get an arm free to weakly push away the bottle they hold up to her face. When she’s handed over to Jihoon again, she goes back to sniffing along his chest, pawing at him.
He sighs, “Hey, little one, I don’t have what you’re looking for.”
“I wonder if she can smell someone else on you,” one of the other nurses speaks up.
“You said you have a mate, Officer Lee?”
“I- yes,” Jihoon slowly nods, “Could she possibly smell him?”
The head nurse hums, “It’s possible, but I don’t think she would have this kind of reaction unless your mate was producing milk. Pups will smell all kinds of omegas, but really only seek out the ones who are producing that familial pheromone.”
Jihoon…isn’t sure what to do. There are a thousand possible ways he could react right now, and he can’t think ahead to what the outcome will be. He’s been stuck in a wind tunnel for a week, it feels like letting the pain and heartbreak whip around him without really feeling it. His job is important, he has a duty to the city to be a good example and follow the rules and boundaries that have already been set- But then there’s his family, his beloved mate, the very thing that gives Jihoon a reason to get out of bed and actually go to work-
If there’s a clear answer as to what he should do, Jihoon is sure he is never going to find it. So, instead, he decides to follow what his heart has been telling him this entire time.
“If it’s ok, I think I have an idea.”
...
The soft ‘click’ of the door opening catches Mingyu's attention, though he remains curled up in place, his face tucked into his hands. People have been coming and going all week: his parents, his friends, Jihoon- Though his mate had left a few hours ago at the insistence of his mother, and had to be gone longer after being called in for an emergency at work. At least, that's what she had told him.
Despite being buried under one of Jihoon’s shirts, his entire soul still aches for his alpha. Mingyu knows he should feel grateful that he has stuck around at all, and keeps waiting for the moment when Jihoon will wake up and walk away for good. He knows omegas who have been abandoned by their mates for far less than what he cannot provide to his. Another wave of deep-seated shame and agony rolls through him, and Mingyu wonders if he should call the nurse back in for more relaxers. At least being numb took away the pain- physical and mental.
He wraps one arm around his middle, still stuck with the instinct not to squeeze too tight. His once round stomach, his pride and joy for the last five months, is achingly hollow. The ghost of his happiness remains in the barren space. It's hard to move without remembering that there is no point now, nothing to get up for. So, instead, he lays still, wondering if he can somehow melt into the bed or just dissolve into nothingness.
There's the soft shuffle of steps coming toward his hospital bed and then his mate's scent floods his nose. Jihoon places a hand on his shoulder- he’s being so gentle these days- and kneels down so he’s almost level with Mingyu's ear.
“Love, I brought something for you.”
He’s not given the choice to ignore his mate this time, that much is clear. Jihoon seems determined in keeping his attention with a hand that moves to the back of his neck, the familiar touch of soft fingers against the hair at his nape keeping him grounded. Mingyu finally obliges and rolls over onto his back. The shoulder he was laying on feels sore, but it was just a shadow of feeling uncomfortable under the deep ache in his heart. With Jihoon’s help, he moves to sit up, and the alpha adjusts the bed and his pillows until Mingyu can comfortably lean back against them.
“I have something for you,” Jihoon repeats, and then brings a small object out from behind his back, “and there’s something we need to talk about.”
A white blanket is placed in his lap, the woven edges just barely touching his fingertips. Mingyu isn't sure what to think at first. It feels like some kind of cruel joke, but he tries to push the sinking feeling in his stomach down to see if Jihoon really did have something planned. The omega tentatively grips the edges of the blanket to bring it closer, the motion creating a gentle wave of scent that washes over him. He braces for the impact of it, ready to throw the blanket off the bed and roll back onto his side to bury his nose in the scent-neutralized sheets from the hospital. On his next breath, though, he’s hit with a sudden realization: This scent belonged to a different pup. As Mingyu slowly brings the blanket closer to his face to sniff, Jihoon begins.
He starts with the story of the alpha who overdosed and the omega who took their own life. He describes the neighborhood, the yard, and the house that had fallen into filth and disrepair. Mingyu can't help the way his heart aches for the couple. Bonds between mates run deep. Even though he was put on heavy sedatives to suppress his natural instincts from damaging his body further, he can still feel the pull that Jihoon has on him. He doesn’t even want to consider what that would feel like, to lose his other half.
“But,” Jihoon takes a deep breath, placing a hand over Mingyu’s so they both are holding the small blanket, “There was a reason my unit was called in. We found a backroom in the house, where their pup was. She’s only about two or three weeks old. The nurses say that she looks healthy, all things considered, but she needs someone to take care of her now. She’s a little lost…”
Jihoon stands and reaches forward to take his mate's chin into his hands. For what feels like the first time in a century, he has Mingyu’s full attention, his gaze meeting Jihoon’s equally. The omega looks exhausted, and loss has made a home in his dull skin and tired eyes. The alpha pulls them closer together with gentle hands, closing his eyes when their foreheads meet.
“But I think we are too.”
After a moment, he leans to press a kiss to Mingyu’s head, allowing himself a moment to take in the comfort and familiarity of being close to his mate again. The omega finds himself leaning into the touch too, longing for the warmth and familiarity that he had been missing.
“It is your decision, love,” Jihoon says, pulling back. He keeps his fingers intertwined with Mingyu’s, unwilling to let go just yet. “Do you want to meet her?”
He takes a moment, two, to think. The blanket in his hands feels warm and soft; well-loved like all baby blankets should. He imagines the other pups who have passed through this hospital, who have been swaddled and cradled in blankets like this one, who were held in loving arms and promised the world right after they entered it. Mingyu and Jihoon were never given a white blanket. Neither was this other pup. Mingyu buries his nose into the fabric again, taking in the naturally soft and sweet scent that all pups carry.
After a few moments, he raises his eyes to meet Jihoon’s, and he nods. Ten minutes after Jihoon leaves, minutes spent picking at the blanket and trying to even out his breathing. there’s a soft knock at the door. A nurse comes in first, and then Mingyu sees his alpha enter the room, his eyes drifting down to the small bundle cradled in his arms.
“Mingyu,” the nurse starts to say, coming over to crouch by his bedside to hold his attention, “have you heard of surrogate omegas before?”
He slowly nods, his eyes flicking over to the alpha by the door. They weren’t common, but some of the parent groups he joined had posted articles about surrogacy programs. They primarily discussed surrogate omegas who could donate extra milk for families who needed it, but there were also omegas who provided babysitting services for nontraditional families, comfort services for nest building, and more. Surrogacy omegas usually stepped in to provide extra help where it was needed, but here things would be a bit different.
“A surrogacy program could be a good opportunity, given the circumstances. Of course, we won’t do anything without your permission. You can decide now, or make your decision after meeting the pup. It’s completely up to you.”
“I-“ Mingyu swallows, looking between the nurse and his mate. “I’d like to meet her, please.”
The nurse nods and gives him a soft smile, reaching out and gently patting his shoulder. When they stand, they turn back to Jihoon and take a few steps back, gesturing for the alpha to take their place. Mingyu can’t take his eyes off of the pup as soon as she’s back in his eye line, his scrambled thoughts narrowing to a point. As Jihoon slowly approaches his bedside, Mingyu feels a whine begin to build in his chest instinctually. There’s no stopping it as his mate steps closer, and he realizes, he’s subconsciously reached out toward the pair. Finally, the blankets are placed into his arms, and after a moment of making sure the pup is supported, Mingyu gets to see her for the first time.
There's a moment when it feels like the universe has paused. If Mingyu had been stuck below the surface of grief, blindly wading through a haze, this moment feels like he’s breaking to the surface again. That moment, it’s the ‘click’ of a puzzle piece, of a memory, sliding into place. Mingyu thinks he might physically feel it shift in his chest. The ‘click’ can’t drown out everything from the past few days, the rough edges of emotion that ebb in his brain. It’s threatening to break the wall this moment is building around his thoughts, but it’s quiet enough to let Mingyu think clearly. He takes a few deep breaths, wrapping himself back in to focus on the present.
Inevitably, the pup starts to fuss after a coupple minutes. She turns in his arms, pushing her nose into Mingyu, seeking out the comfort of his scent and the promise of milk. A small surge of panic makes him look over to the nurse, eyes wide and worried that he did something wrong.
“You’re alright, sweetheart,” the nurse coos. They step back over to the bedside, “She’s just curious. Would you feel comfortable nursing her?”
At Mingyu's nod, Jihoon reaches over to help him slip the paper gown off of his shoulders, exposing his bare skin. Once the pup is settled back against his chest, this time without anything in the way, she immediately relaxes into the omega. She lets out a little whine, one that pulls a soft noise in return from Mingyu subconsciously. Surprisingly, Jihoon makes his own low rumble in response to them both, the alpha ducking his head before Mingyu can see his reaction. The way the tips of his mate’s ears are already turning red, though, makes him smile.
“Pups do a lot of bonding through skin contact and scent.” The nurse says, readjusting Mingyu’s arms to support the pup to help her nurse, “Since this little girl came in without any strong scent, I’m guessing she’s in need of a little more love.”
Unsurprisingly, the pup is very eager to latch on, and she takes to him without any of the fuss she gave for the bottles. She curls into his chest, one small hand reaching up to rest against his skin. Mingyu just watches in awe as the strange sensation coupled with the sight of the pup turns his brain to mush. Once it seems like everyone is settled in, the nurse states that they’ll be at the nurse station just outside the room in case they need anything, leaving the pair alone in the room with the pup. Jihoon moves to sit beside Mingyu on the bed, placing a hand on the back of his mate's neck. The omega leans into the gentle touch, melting under the fingertips that rub against his skin.
“She’s beautiful,” Mingyu whispers. Jihoon hums in agreement, reaching over to caress the pup’s cheek with his free hand.
“She really is. She looks… content.” As if to prove their point, the pup sighs after she unlatches, squirming in her blankets to burrow back into Mingyu’s skin. They move together to burp her, clean her up, and get her settled back against Mingyu’s bare chest to drift off to sleep, the soft white blanket draped over her to keep her warm.
“Definitely much happier than when we found her…” Jihoon trails off, afraid of breaching the topic the two have yet to discuss. Getting the pup comfortable and fed was their top priority, but now that she was taken care of, the subject came crawling back into mind.
“Gyu,” he starts, shifting to press their sides together in the small bed, “I know… everything happened so fast. And there’s no replacing what we planned for, how we thought our lives were going to go…”
“Jagiya,” Mingyu reaches over with his free hand, cupping his mate's cheek in his palm. He hadn’t noticed how tired the alpha looked before, the dark circles under his eyes only sticking out more under the weight of stress and emotional strength.
“I want you to tell me what you want, ok?” He waits until Jihoon nods to continue, “And then I'll tell you what I want”.
Jihoon sighs, “The most important thing to me is that you’re happy. It hurts, knowing that you’re in pain and there's so little I can do to fix it. But, as long as your mark is the one on my skin, I will be by your side.”
“And what do you want?” Mingyu asks, patient.
“I…” Jihoon hesitates. The omega shifts his hand to press into his neck and trail over their mating mark, inviting the other man to keep going. “I think we should take her in.”
Mingyu nods before he lets out a deep breath, processing his own thoughts. “It’s going to take time. I can't… I don’t want to pretend nothing happened, that we didn’t lose the pup we nurtured and loved together. We can’t go back and change anything, though…”
He looks down at the little girl nestled into his chest, her tiny hand raised enough that Mingyu can wiggle his finger into her grip. She scrunches her nose in her sleep but closes her fist around him. “If something brought her to us, then it's a gift we should accept and love and cherish”.
Mingyu has a hard time letting the pup out of his arms after that, much less letting her leave his line of sight. Even though his prescribed suppressants have been steadily decreasing as the days go on, the doctors work to wean him off of them quicker now that his base instincts are being dedicated toward another pup. The omega lets his instincts take over most of the time, especially when it comes to nursing or getting the pup acclimated to his scent. Jihoon has the opportunity to bond with her too, something the doctors wanted to make sure was established before they left the hospital. But, like before, the pup makes herself at home just as easily in his arms, curling into his chest the same way she does with the omega.
They stay in the hospital for a few more days to give the pup time to gain her strength back and put on more weight. Once she’s deemed stable enough, though, both the pup and Mingyu are discharged. The simple act of leaving the hospital feels foreign and familiar all at once, something Mingyu finds himself struggling with the entire walk out the doors and to their car. The bundle cradled in his arms is altogether unfamiliar and comforting, the act of buckling the pup into a car seat feels mechanical, the drive spent glancing at the backseat and trying to keep his scent steady as they get closer and closer to a home that feels equally foreign.
Mingyu has trouble stepping into the house that first day. Just parking in the driveway causes a wave of sadness to flow through him suddenly, freezing him in place. A soft hand on the back of his neck keeps him from panicking, but Jihoon reassures him that they can wait until Mingyu is ready. The pup is still fast asleep in her car seat, giving them a moment to breathe.
Once he’s ready, Mingyu insists on bringing the pup inside by himself, even if she’s not happy to be woken up from her nap. After Mingyu settles on the couch in their living room, she goes right back to sleep, seemingly oblivious to the omega’s heart rate increasing. Even though she won’t need it for a few months, Jihoon preemptively moves the crib from the nursery into the living room. They keep the door closed, and the alpha is the one who goes inside to retrieve anything they might need.
It takes everyone some time to adjust. The pup cries often, as newborns do. There are late nights and messes to clean. Some nights, Mingyu finds himself stuck awake, staring at the pup in the bassinet beside their bed. The fear and anxiety that grips him give him nightmares, ones that leave him gasping for air when he wakes up, terrified hands reaching out to make sure the pup is still beside him, still breathing, still ok. He finds himself reluctant to let her out of his sight, more so than his instincts account for.
Jihoon helps wherever he can, especially on the days when Mingyu doesn’t have the energy to get up, burying himself under blankets and trying to suppress the scent of grief from reaching their pup. Sometimes Mingyu finds himself stuck outside of the nursery door, aching to step inside the room and just move on so he can feel like a normal parent. He wants their daughter to grow up in her own room, surrounded by the soft green walls they painted with clouds and flowers and stars, nestled into stuffed animals that smell like her family.
But he just can’t bring himself to reassign everything they built for another pup.
The breaking point comes late at night, a few weeks after they settle into their new routine as parents and the pup has started sleeping in her crib in the living room. Mingyu had seemed particularly exhausted that day, so Jihoon insists on putting the pup to bed so his mate can have a moment to rest. Once she’s cleaned up and sleeping soundly in her crib, he heads back to their bedroom, expecting to find the omega curled up in his nest. He doesn’t get far when he finds, to his surprise, the door to the nursery cracked open.
Inside, Mingyu is curled into the rocking chair, his chin resting on his knees as he stares out the window. Jihoon walks to sit by the ledge beside him, carefully lowering himself to the ground so as to not scare the other. The room looks exactly the same as when they left for the hospital all those weeks ago. The only difference is the indents in the carpet where the crib used to be, and the uncanny lack of their scent in the room. The nightlight in the corner casts a gentle yellow glow across the room, one that seems to blend into the colors on the wall.
They’re both quiet for a while, and it’s not until Mingyu reaches a hand down for Jihoon to take that they even acknowledge each other. Jihoon gladly intertwines his fingers with his mate’s, readjusting his position so he can lean against the arm of the chair instead of the wall.
“Do you remember the big argument we got into because of that mural?”
Jihoon glances up to see Mingyu turned away from the window and follows his gaze over to the painting on the opposite wall. It was primarily a meadow full of flowers and bushes, though there was a forest in the background of the painting. Above the scene was a galaxy full of stars and the moon, shimmering from the glow-in-the-dark paint that was added by Jihoon at the last minute.
“Yeah,” he can’t help but smile, “I think we might have scared Minghao.”
They had hired their best friend to paint the walls of the nursery, though they could never come to an agreement on what the mural should be. Their bickering turned into a heated argument while Minghao was there, one laced with unspoken fears that ran deeper than they had talked about before. In the end, Jihoon had given in to Mingyu’s idea, primarily because he hated to see his mate upset. They also gifted Minghao with an expensive bottle of wine as an apology and agreed to leave the argument behind them.
“Did you really hate my idea that much?” Mingyu whispers, his grip on Jihoon’s fingers tightening ever so slightly. Jihoon squeezes back.
“I’ve never hated anything when it comes to you. I was just…” He sighs, “Stubborn, maybe a little frustrated? Definitely very scared.”
He feels Mingyu shift in the chair and then watches as the omega lowers himself to sit on the ground beside him.
“Scared?” He asks, shuffling closer until their knees are pressed together.
“It’s nothing,” Jihoon sighs, letting his head fall back against the arm of the rocking chair, “Just typical new parent stuff.”
“Jihoon, if it bothered you enough that we ended up arguing, I don’t think it’s just nothing.”
The alpha tenses, sitting up straighter against the chair. Mingyu continues.
“You’re allowed to be scared, you know? It’s not like anyone told us exactly what becoming a parent was like, or how to prepare for everything we went through. Even if they did, there are still a lot of unknowns.”
“That’s the thing, I’m used to the unknowns.” Jihoon untangles his fingers from his mates, putting his head into his hands. “My job is fixing the consequences of the unknowns. After every terrible situation I’ve walked into, I shouldn’t still be worried about ‘what ifs’.”
Mingyu reaches out to try to take his hand again, but his mate doesn’t budge. He settles for putting a hand on his shoulder. “This isn’t just another job, you know that. This is personal.”
Jihoon shakes his head, shrugging his shoulder to try and shake Mingyu off. “Having a personal connection only means I should be doing more to protect you and the pup. If I’m scared I can’t comfort you and if I can’t comfort you, what kind of alpha am I?”
Mingyu pulls back, slight shock settling into his face. “What does being an alpha have to do with this? When has being an alpha ever decided how you act?" He can feel his omega beginning to grow restless, his scent turning sour from the frustration of arguing with his mate.
The alpha groans, suddenly standing to pace across the nursery. "I don’t know, it just does! It’s instincts, or whatever, and I’m better off being strong and supportive so I can be there for you to heal.” He comes to a stop, turning to see Mingyu standing next to the window. Walking over, he takes his hands, clutching them tightly in his own.
“I'm your mate, your alpha. I've always provided for you. It's my job to take care of people in the aftermath and I'm good at it. I should- I should be able to stop anything from happening. If you're stressed it just hurts the pup more and I don’t know how to fix that!"
"I appreciate that you want to comfort me, but it’s completely normal to feel scared too. Why can't you do both? Why aren't you allowed to feel anything?” He lets go of Jihoon’s hands to quickly wipe at the tears gathering on his water line. “It would actually be kind of nice to know that I'm not alone, that I’m not going through this by myself or feeling horrible about what happened to our pup."
Jihoon huffs, his hands clenching at his sides, “You’re not alone, obviously, but if the pup-”
Mingyu chokes on a sudden sob that erupts from his chest, “He was your pup too!”
The room goes quiet, the couple staring at each other for a few tense moments. Mingyu wipes at the tears now falling down his cheeks, turning toward the window so he no longer has to face his mate.
“Stop distancing yourself from this. That’s your problem. I need you here, beside me as we go through this, but you keep putting yourself above it. And for what, to fill some imaginary role as this strong, alpha savior for your weak omega mate?”
Jihoon drops his shoulders, taking a step to reach out toward his mate tentatively, “Mingyu-”
Mingyu shakes his head, crossing his arms over his chest and curling in, “I’ve spent weeks wondering if you were going to leave me. How can you spend so much time worrying about being a “proper” alpha when you know that would mean I’m not a “proper” omega who can give you pups?”
He reaches up to wipe at his cheeks again, sighing and turning his head toward the ceiling, “I’m not asking you to stop taking care of me, but it’s a two-way street. You can’t keep trying to be brave and strong while also suppressing your own grief.”
The room goes quiet again. Mingyu closes his eyes, allowing the frustration to wash over him like a wave. When he hears a soft sniff, he opens them slowly and looks back to his mate. Jihoon has one hand pressed over his eyes, his body curling in as he weeps. There’s only been a handful of times Mingyu has seen the alpha cry, but the sight has always been heartbreaking. With a sigh, he crosses the room to pull Jihoon to his chest, wrapping his arms around him so the alpha can bury his face in Mingyu’s shirt.
Jihoon returns the gesture easily, clutching his mate tight while months of frustration and fear pour out of him. He cries for his own pain, Mingyu’s, and their pup’s. He pulls him as close as possible, shifting so the omega can bury his nose in his neck. Like this, he can feel the tears clinging to Mingyu’s cheeks, but also the soft gentle sigh when he takes in the alpha’s scent. They haven’t been this close since before the hospital, a few months by this point.
Once they’ve both stopped crying, Jihoon pulls back enough to look at his mate, reaching up to wipe his cheeks with his thumbs.
“I’m so sorry, love.” He whispers, taking in the way Mingyu’s features soften when he says it.
“I’m sorry too.” Mingyu starts. Before Jihoon can object, he continues, “You’ve been taking care of the- our pup by yourself most of the time and I haven’t even said thank you.” He leans forward, kissing Jihoon’s forehead before bumping their noses together. “You’re a wonderful father, Jihoon. Soya is a lucky little girl. Fear and uncertainty will never change that.”
Jihoon closes the gap between them, gently pulling his mate forward to kiss him. Mingyu’s scent swells until the nursery smells like a meadow, warm and sweet under a summer sun. He laughs when the alpha pushes closer, moving his hands to the back of the omega’s neck to keep him close. Even when they break apart, Jihoon continues to press soft, feather-light kisses all over his face.
“Alpha,” Mingyu whines, though there’s no weight behind it. He giggles again, tilting his head away to escape his persistent mate, though this only grants Jihoon access to nose at his neck. More wildflower bursts into the air, wrapping around the couple like a blanket, sheltering them from the outside world.
The tranquil moment only lasts a few minutes before there’s a soft noise from the living room, followed by a much louder cry. The pair untangle from each other, but Mingyu stops Jihoon before he can get too far.
“Can I… could you bring her in here?”
Jihoon nods, pressing another quick kiss to the omega’s head before leaving to get their pup. A moment later he comes back with Soya cradled in his arms, wrapped in her favorite white blanket from the hospital. Mingyu coos when Jihoon passes her to him, carefully bringing the pup close to his chest.
“Hey sweetpea, it’s late for you to be awake.” He speaks softly to the baby, subconsciously swaying to soothe her, “You just wanted to be up with your dads, didn’t you?”
“Poor Soya,” Jihoon comes to stand beside him, pushing a piece of blanket away from the pup’s face, “We were hanging out without her.”
Soya gurgles, squirming a bit in her blanket. She turns her face toward the nightlight on the other side of the room, so Mingyu walks over to the mural illuminated by the light.
“What do you think, baby? Do you like the mural? Appa put up quite the fight to get the night sky added- he’s a bit obsessed with the universe.”
“Hey-” Jihoon whines, crossing his arms, “Don’t make her pick favorites yet, she’s going to grow up biased.”
Mingyu just smiles in return, watching the pup begin to slowly blink, drifting off to sleep again in his arms. He waits a few moments until her breathing evens out then turns back to his mate.
“Hey, Jihoonie?” The alpha, who had been staring at the pup, looks up to meet Mingyu’s eyes, “Do you mind moving her crib back in here? I think… I think I’m ready if you are.”
As quietly as possible, Jihoon moves the crib from the living room back into its place in the nursery. Once everything is ready, Mingyu gently lowers her into the bed, arranging some of the blankets and stuffed animals so she’s comfortable in her own nest. The pup stays asleep the whole time, and, after scenting her with his wrist, Mingyu steps back to watch her settle in.
“Let’s get you to bed too,” Jihoon says, taking his mate’s hand and leading him back to their bedroom. They get ready together, the alpha sticking close to Mingyu’s side as he changes and brushes his teeth, only settling when he’s curling up into the nest and making a space for Jihoon beside him. He climbs in readily, moving to snuggle into the omega’s back and wrap his hands around Mingyu’s waist.
“I’m really proud of you, Gyu.” He murmurs, nuzzling into his shoulder. Mingyu sighs, melting under the touch of his alpha after going so long without it.
“'Proud of you too,” Mingyu whispers back, reaching up to hold Jihoon’s hands around his stomach, “No more strong fronts or hiding behind alpha expectations, ok? We’re a team, we’re in this together, and we both know what the other is going through. We’re talking it out.”
Jihoon nods against his skin, “Agreed.”
“Or, if you’re going to insist on being all alpha again, at least bite me when you’re mad-”
“Oh, like this?” The alpha lightly bites at the back of his neck, making Mingyu squirm.
“Ok, ok, stop,” he giggles, trying to keep quiet. They fall into a comfortable silence, one long enough that Mingyu isn’t sure if his mate is still awake when he whispers, “I love you, Jihoon.”
Still, he can’t help the way his heart swoops when he hears a mumbled, “Love you too, Mingyu.” The room goes quiet, and, for the first time in months, Mingyu sleeps through the night. There are no nightmares, no suffocating force pressing down on his chest, no desperation in waking up to check if the pup was ok. When he wakes up to a cry from the other room, Jihoon is there to press a gentle kiss to his forehead, whispering, “Go back to sleep, I got her, love.”
The next time he opens his eyes, soft morning light floods the room, cascading over their nest like a blanket. He feels Jihoon shift at his side and turns onto his back to see the alpha sitting up. In his arms is Soya, still in her pajamas. Mingyu moves to sit up against the pillows as well, kissing his mate and his pup on the cheek before settling in.
“Good morning, my darling,” he coos at the pup, accepting her into his arms when Jihoon passes her over. He’s started taking off his sleep shirt to nurse when he looks down, just in time to see Soya look back up at him. Then, she giggles. Mingyu feels his heart try to break through his chest as pure, unfiltered love rushes through his veins. He can’t help but laugh in return, looking over to see Jihoon just as shocked and elated as he is.
Soya just laughed for the first time. Bathed in the morning sunlight, safe in their nest after spending her first night in her own room and not the living room, their pup had laughed. At that moment, Mingyu feels the weight of everything lift from his shoulders. They may never be perfect, he understands that better now. There will be days when he’ll need to rely on Jihoon to get by, and there will be days when Jihoon needs him to be the strong one. Some days will feel like everything is going wrong. But it's these moments, early mornings in bed with his puzzle piece family, a giggling pup, his mate radiating happiness and love, that makes it all worth it in the end.