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Perry had wanted to believe this whole fiasco had been put to rest.
The fact it had happened in the first place was bad enough. To the point where Perry had actually considered misappropriating the time machine in the museum just to prevent it happening from the first place. Though he was a professional – one who follows protocols and not messes with the time stream – and that meant dealing with the situation instead of running.
Perry was really beginning to regret that decision.
The following ceasefire would have been manageable if OWCA hadn’t interfered by routinely making him partner with Peter. But it led to a begrudging mutual respect between the agents that then turned into actual peace as the three of them worked things out during the whole “cutonium incident”. While Perry hadn’t been thrilled to work with the other agent, he had been able to tolerate it long enough to get a new ally out of it (and a couple days off from having a replacement on call).
It should have been over then.
Perry should have known better to believe that.
Somewhere in the back of his mind he had known there was the other evil scientist – Peter’s actual nemesis. That the three of them weren’t the only ones impacted, but Perry had wanted to push past this mess so he let the thought slip.
Another decision to regret.
Officially, it should have ended after Heinz had been kidnapped. The worst of communication issues finally resolved after months of tension and everything returned to normal. Every loose end wrapped into a nice neat bow and the whole box to be chucked into the back of the attic to be forgotten about.
Nothing in Perry’s life had been simple, why did he expect this to be any different?
Shooting a glare to the masked man, Perry tested his bindings again. The ropes that secured his hands to the back of the chair were surprisingly secure, along with the ones on his ankles. The knots had been purposefully tucked away and the rope in pristine condition. No obvious weaknesses to exploit. Normally it would have been fine, Perry would have some tool or another easily accessible to help him escape the mundane trap.
Except, he had been off duty when it happened. Because Professor Mystery was that type of evil scientist. At least Heinz typically didn’t disturb Perry once he was off the clock unless it was an emergency (which, it rarely was, but Heinz at least acknowledged that boundary).
“What, you’re not going to try to escape?” Professor Mystery turned to face him, mouth pressed into a frown.
If Professor Mystery had wanted to be thwarted so badly, then he should have had the decency to let Perry have his tools. Or better yet, have just called Peter. That would have been Perry’s preferred option instead of having been tranqued while still in his own backyard and then dragged to Seattle (at least the Flynn-Fletchers hadn’t been home – he didn’t need another problem added to this dumpster fire).
Perry would have even broken his usual stoic taciturnity to explain that to Professor Mystery, but presently his hands were tied behind his back. Instead, he opted to continue to glare at Professor Mystery, hoping his point would get across.
“Come on, do something.”
At some point, Perry should have learned better than to hope for things. Really, he just sets himself up for disappointment.
He gives his usual soft churring noise. It counts as doing something.
“Is that it? Are you really just going to sit there while I fire this inator you know nothing about?”
Face relaxing back into his usual look of only mildly irritated, Perry shrugs. Technically, he’s off the clock and out of jurisdiction. While his sense of duty tells him to do something to stop this, he’d rather not encourage this behavior.
“I will do it, you know. I have zero qualms pressing this button.” Professor Mystery shakes the remote as emphasis.
Perry sends him a skeptical look before returning his face to neutral.
“Don’t doubt me. Unlike Doofenshmirtz I can follow my evil schemes through.”
Perry doesn’t dignify that with a response.
“I suppose the curiosity of my enigma-wrapped-in-a-mystery-inator has you too enraptured to stop me.”
It’s everything Perry has in him to not laugh at that. It’s one of the biggest reaches in logic he’s heard – and he’s fought Doofenshmirtz for three years now. Still, he is resolved to not give Mystery too much of a reaction.
“I’m about to cause massive amounts of mayhem.” Professor Mystery side-steps closer to the machine.
At Perry’s continued non-response, Professor Mystery turns around and fiddles with something on the machine.
“With this minor alteration I’m about to make this ten times more powerful.”
That would have been more threatening if Perry knew what the machine did.
“Once I’ve fired this, the fallout will be entirely your fault.” The evil scientist threatens again, and honestly, Perry wishes he would just go through with it at this point. Maybe at that point he’d let Perry return to the last vestiges of his day off.
“You shouldn’t test my resolve like this Agent Platypus.” There’s more irritation seeping into Mystery’s voice.
Perry continues to sit there, silently daring him to follow through.
“Just thwart me already! I can’t imagine Peter was this difficult with Doofenshmirtz.”
The pieces of the puzzle click together and Perry understands. He really does. While Perry is definitely enjoying making Mystery squirm with frustration, he does sympathize with the man. He knows the pain of your nemesis leaving you for another. The pain of wondering why you weren’t enough and what you could have done better. It had taken Perry weeks before he could really begin to trust Heinz again let alone to think of allowing Peter to be his back-up.
But that didn’t negate how Professor Mystery had barged in on Perry’s day off and kidnapped him in a vague attempt of inflicting pain on Heinz and Peter. If Mystery had a problem with the fact Peter had thwarted Heinz a couple of times while Perry was on an out-of-country mission for the duration of last week, then he should have filed it with OWCA.
“You’re really not going to thwart me?” Something broke in Mystery’s voice.
Perry shakes his head in response. This wasn’t a game he was going to play.
Professor Mystery stands there, a dumbstruck look on his face. Soon enough the evil scientist regains his wits and a determined look crosses his face.
“Very well then, I’m still going to fire off my liquefaction-inator and cause all of Seattle to fall into ruin.”
The large, drill-looking machine beside Professor Mystery whirs to life and begins to slowly lower. It hits Perry that whether he likes it or not, he needs to deal with this before a major city gets destroyed because four adult men were unable to properly resolve their issues.
“In just five minutes, my inator will go off unless you manage to stop me!”
On second thought, Perry’s going to continue to sit there just so Mystery doesn’t get the satisfaction of getting thwarted. Or, at least, he’s going to let the man squirm until the very last second.
It seemed the realization that his evil scheme would come to fruition hit Professor Mystery as an evil grin contorted it – or what could be seen of it.
“Finally, I will get retribution for having been pushed aside and forgotten!”
Perry overheard some of the backstory. He understands that having your parents run off to contain a blackhole of their own creation is highly traumatic. The Intro to Villain Psychology course he took back in training tells him that this act of rebellion against his parent’s life’s work was a poor coping mechanism to deal with the trauma of them leaving him. But Perry’s fairly sure most people don’t turn to evil just because their parents abandoned them. It’s not like he’s speaking from the experience of having been dropped off on his aunt and uncle’s doorstep so his parents could go gallivanting across the globe instead of raising their mute child.
“And since you refuse to stop me,” Perry refuses to acknowledge Mystery’s taunt, “My goals as an evil scientist will be complete.”
Fortunately, or unfortunately depending on how you look at it (and Perry isn’t sure which side he’s on), an explosion blasts open one of the walls. As the dust clears, Perry spots Peter’s hover car flying in carrying the agent himself and Heinz.
And here Perry thought the situation couldn’t get any worse. Granted, that one was on him, he should have trusted any situation Heinz could get into would always get worse. It was one of the few fundamental laws of the universe that even his nephews wouldn’t be able to break.
Professor Mystery turned his attention to the newcomers, “Ah, Peter the Panda and Dr. Doofenshmirtz, you got here just in time to watch Agent Platypus thwart me.”
Hadn’t they already covered that Perry was absolutely not going to thwart Professor Mystery?
It didn’t matter. With Peter here, Perry could wash his hands of the situation without any feelings of remorse. He could cut himself free using the small bit of sharp metal that he had spied when he had originally awoken to his predicament and then leave. All it would take was activating the magnet in his watch.
“Woah, woah, woah, Perry’s going to thwart you?” Heinz interjects, jealousy in his voice.
Beside Heinz, Peter doesn’t say anything but the agent’s scowl speaks for itself.
“Did you think you were the only ones able to go off and find another nemesis? It doesn’t matter, now you will understand the pain I felt.”
“Is this really true Perry the Platypus?” There was the tone that Heinz used when he thought people were going to leave him.
Yeah, that tugged at Perry’s heartstrings a bit. But he’d have to reassure Heinz that he wouldn’t leave him later, when he could actually sign and not have the threat of untimely doom hang over his head. Instead, he pauses sawing through the ropes and sends his nemesis a look of ‘it was my day off, do you really think I want to be here?’.
“It will be unless he wants Seattle to be destroyed for both of you are now trapped!”
With that, the giant platform below the hover car magnetized and dragged the car down, a green force field containing once it was on the ground. A part of Perry was actually intrigued by the trap design (how difficult would that be to escape?) but right now he needed to make sure Mystery hadn’t noticed how Perry had freed his wrists.
That was made exceptionally easy by the ensuing argument.
“Hey you said you wanted to compare notes, not that you were going to trap us and steal my nemesis.” Heinz accused and Perry rolled his eyes. Heinz might be a genius when it comes to mechanical stuff but when it came to people, saying he was daft was putting it lightly.
“And you trusted that?”
“Well, I mean, I had thought maybe we had put everything behind us. Water under the bridge and all that.”
“You thought I would have gotten over the cheating?”
Perry winces slightly. While that was essentially what it was, he knew better than to express that sentiment.
“Miggs, I swear if this is about last week-” Peter starts before getting cut off.
“Hey, cheating implies there was something else going on besides just thwarting going on. And there was not. It was just a-, a thwarting of convenience. Trust me, I wouldn’t do that to Perry the Platypus. I want to inflict cartoonish physical harm to him, not actual emotional harm. Besides, no offense, but Peter the Panda really isn’t my type. Too pushy and rude.”
That manages to get a small snort from Perry. Brooding secret agents with a tendency for silence (messed up vocal cords or not) and pettiness were exactly Heinz’s type, no matter how pushy or rude.
“Don’t say that about him, he’s exactly the right amount of pushy and rude.”
“I’m right here, you know.”
Ignoring the rest of the argument, Perry grabs out the pocket knife he always keeps on him (sue him, he’s a secret agent) and in a clean motion, cuts the ropes around his ankles.
His legs are stiff as he stands, how long did Mystery have him tied up? Nevermind, if Perry’s count was correct he had two or so minutes before the inator hit the ground. Right now, that needed to be his priority. Perry was not giving up the last scraps of his professionalism just to make a point, no matter how tempting the thought was.
Thankfully, Heinz and Peter made a wonderful distraction. So much so that Professor Mystery didn’t even notice Perry walking right up to the machine and turning it off. With his job complete, Perry could sneak out of here instead of continuing to deal with Peter’s and Mystery’s relationship drama.
“You’ve done this much, you might as well destroy it.”
Peter was lucky he was stuck behind a force field, that’s all Perry was going to say. It didn’t matter that the other agent was just as displeased about the situation.
Distraction gone, Perry is once again in Professor Mystery’s sights.
“You escaped my trap? And turned off my machine? I knew you would give in eventually.” Professor Mystery gloats, “But you have yet to completely stop me.”
The evil scientist brandishes the remote from earlier.
“With this I am able to restart the-” The fist connecting to his face cut off Professor Mystery.
Perry knew he shouldn’t have given Mystery the satisfaction of that much, but it did relieve some of his own frustrations with the evil scientist.
“Yes, this is perfect. You’re finally stopping me!”
Yeah, that definitely was taken as encouragement. With a growl, Perry grabs the evil scientist’s collar and pulls him in and with a glare signs, 'Knock it off.'
Before Mystery has a chance to respond, Perry pushes him back with a harsh shove. Sent falling, the remote drops from Mystery’s hand and bounces away. That gets a rise from the peanut gallery:
“You’re actually thwarting him?” Heinz cries out.
“Damn, P, didn’t know you had it in you.” Peter jeers.
They would have to be dealt with later however. Perry plucks the remote from the ground and promptly snaps in half, to the astonishment of Professor Mystery.
“You’re thwarting me?” A smile grows on his face, “You’re thwarting me!”
Goddamn it, hadn’t Perry told himself he wasn’t playing this game? It didn’t matter at this point. The machine probably wasn’t going to magically turn itself back on and that meant his involvement was nearly finished.
Stomping over to the magnetic platform, Perry pulls a few wires from the control panel. It may not have been his best idea if the newfound burns on his hands were any indication, but it caused the forcefield to sputter and die. With Peter free, he could clean up this mess while Perry dealt with the now unusually silent Heinz.
Grabbing his own nemesis, Perry marches over to the hovercar, delighted that the keys were still in the ignition.
“Where are you going? We’re not done yet.”
“Leaving a job half finished? I thought you were a professional.”
“So this is what it feels like huh? Wow, it kind of hurts, a lot.”
A small pang of regret courses through Perry at having shut down the machine; Seattle would have been a small price to pay for not having to deal with this.
Perry brings a hand up to rub his temple in an attempt to dissuade the building headache. It didn’t, so he chose to send an exasperated look to each of the three thorns in his side.
Peter and Mystery seemed to have enough self-preservation to not speak.
“Look, if you’d rather thwart Mysterio over there, I’d understand. I’d just prefer-.”
The same couldn’t be said for Heinz. Perry cut him off with a death glare.
“Message received loud and clear.” His nemesis surrendered, hands up.
Satisfied with that, Perry heel turned to look at the two who since meeting them, made his life infinitely more complicated.
He pointed to Peter first.
'Finish this up, I’m done.' Perry waits until the man nods, 'I’m taking your hover car.'
Peter sends him a hesitant thumbs up in response. Not like the approval mattered to Perry.
Next, Perry points to Professor Mystery.
'I understand your feelings. I do. Next time, ask me instead of ruining my day off.'
The masked man numbly nods, “I didn’t realize it was your day off.”
It was the best apology Perry was going to get and he was taking it.
Finally he turns to Heinz, who still has a visible pout on his face.
'We’re going home.'
“You mean that?” Perry hates how small Heinz sounds at that moment and he hates Peter and Professor Mystery even more for causing this mess.
Softening his look a bit, Perry nods and gestures to the car with a soft churr.
“You’re going to let me drive?” Heinz perked up.
Perry shook his head – he didn’t want to die before they could properly resolve this. He points to the passenger seat instead.
“Killjoy.”
Perry damn near left him there for that. Instead, he brushes it off and slides into the car. Sending a final warning glare to Peter and Mystery, he plugs in DEI’s coordinates into the GPS. Then, they were off, leaving through the still smoldering hole.
Perry knows better than to believe this was the last he’s going to have to deal with Peter and Mystery.
Still, he can hope the four of them could work something else before one of them gets kidnapped again, or at least before they wound up on Dr. Feelbetter again (the Danville agents still made jokes). If they could resolve some of the tension and have an amicable relationship, then Perry was not going to complain. Especially if it meant a few more days off, more interesting schemes from the scientists comparing notes, or even some goddamn peace and quiet.
Maybe this fiasco would finally be put to rest and life would be better, or at least, less complicated.
It was a couple of days later when Perry’s phone buzzed.
This better be good – right now, he and Heinz were watching a movie and he’d prefer to continue enjoying that instead of dealing with whoever decided to interrupt date night.
With a sigh, he whips out his phone and displeasure fills him on seeing the contact. Against his better judgment, he taps the message open:
Peter ʕo(ｪ)oʔ :
hey
prof. M got kidnap
got kidnap 2
need hand
double-d8 aftr?
A part of Perry so desperately wants to put the phone down and pretend to have not seen the message. If Peter could manage to text, he could manage to escape.
Unfortunately, Peter has receipts turned on.
Peter ʕo(ｪ)oʔ :
you read msg
oblg8ed now
save us
“Perry the Platypus, are you okay? You cracked your phone screen. Ooo, is that Peter? Is Mystery with him? We should totally meet up.”
Perry feels disappointed in himself for thinking that things would ever be simple with these three. (Though he is more disappointed in Peter for managing to get kidnapped - the man's a secret agent for Christ's sake.)