Chapter Text
SCENE 1, ACT 1
Kermit as Belle
Ms. Piggy as Gasthog
Fozzie as LeFou
Rowlf as Maurice
(Belle’s Room, morning. It is exactly 10 years after the incident at the Chateau. He rolls out of bed, and begins to get ready while singing. As he leaves the house, the village begins to join him. It’s shown that Belle is the town brain cell, but what he wants to do more than anything is perform. He ends up outside The Tavern, going to say goodbye to his Uncle Maurice. Instead, he is stopped by Gasthog, the most beautiful pig in town)
GASTHOG
(Striking a glamorous pose) Hello Belle!
BELLE
Oh, hi there Gasthog
(Belle tries to enter the tavern, but is blocked by another one of Gasthog’s glamorous poses)
GASTHOG
Where are you off to, handsome?
BELLE
Oh, just going to catch up with Uncle Maurice before his tour.
GASTHOG
Who?
BELLE
Your pianist.
GASTHOG
That old coot? What’s so interesting about him? Why don’t you talk to me instead?
(Gasthog giggles flirtatiously)
BELLE
Well, I--
(LeFou enters the frame, babbling)
LEFOU
Hey Gasthog! I picked up the roses you asked for! (He excitedly shoves them at Gasthog) You’d never guess how much I-- Oh, hey Belle!
BELLE
(A bit relieved to see him) How are you LeFou?
LEFOU
Doing great! Finally sold the old cart, bought a new one, picked up some roses for the proposal--
BELLE
The what?
(Gasthog hits LeFou over the head with the roses)
LEFOU
Ow!
GASTHOG
(To Lefou) Shut. Up. (To Belle, Sickeningly sweet) Well, I guess I’ll see you around, Bellie!
BELLE
Uh, sure Gastham. I’ll see you around.
(Belle enters the tavern)
GASTHOG
Bye-bye now! (Back to LeFou) Way to go, fur-breath.
LEFOU
I’m sorry! Geez. Aw man, I’m gonna be picking leaves out of my fur for months.
GASTHOG
You almost ruined the surprise! You’re lucky you talk slow.
LEFOU
I don’t talk--
GASTHOG
There you go again! Talking. So. Slowly. Listen, when he comes back out here, I need you to keep an eye on Belle.
LEFOU
Why?
GASTHOG
I need you to tell me when he’s alone, when his uncle leaves. I’m not marrying him with that crazy old dog as a witness. That useless mutt can barely stay upright through his set. Maybe I should put a limit on his tab…
LEFOU
Well, if you need a new performer, Gasthog, then--
GASTHOG
No. Absolutely not.
LEFOU
Oh, come on! What’s Maurice got that I don’t?
GASTHOG
Maurice isn’t a prop comic with fart shoes.
(LeFou is deeply hurt by this notion. He love fart shoe)
GASTHOG
(Trying to backpedal) Oh, LeFou, you know I… Well, ‘love you’ is a bit strong, but I don’t let just anyone sleep under the tavern bar at night. I gave you a blanket and everything.
LEFOU
I guess that’s true.
GASTHOG
And I let you mop the floor! Do you know how many famous shoes have stepped in my tavern? That mop bucket must be worth millions in rich people dirt. Steve McQueen lost a tooth in a fight there once. Imagine being able to say you have Steve McQueen’s tooth! The only other person who can say that is the King of Cool himself.
LEFOU
I throw away barfight teeth. Who’s Steve McQueen?
GASTHOG
He’s ahead of his time.
(Belle leaves the tavern with Maurice in tow. Maurice is wearing a comically large backpack. They stop to listen to Gasthog and LeFou’s conversation)
LEFOU
Well, something tells me that drunk pianist of yours is a bit en retard if anything. Ehhh?
(The two laugh uproariously. Maurice chuckles uncomfortably, Belle takes offense)
BELLE
Hey, don’t talk about him like that!
GASTHOG
LeFou, you heard him! Don’t talk about my pianist like that!
(Gasthog clocks LeFou over the head with the roses again)
LEFOU
Ow! Watch the thorns!
GASTHOG
(To Belle) I am so sorry, handsome.
BELLE
(Unexpected outburst) Well, you should be! (Quieter, almost apologetic) Listen, you may not like Maurice, but you hired him in the first place. And besides, he’s a genius.
(Cut to the street. Maurice is crossing carelessly with a sandwich in his hand, and almost gets hit by a hay cart. In response, he starts barking and gesturing wildly)
BELLE
A musical genius.
GASTHOG
Listen, music is fine and all, but I wonder if he doesn’t take it just a teensy weensy tiny bit too seriously. I mean, he’s always humming to himself, fidgeting, corralling his little music sheets. What’s so fun about following some instructions?
BELLE
Gasthog, you don’t get it. It’s not about playing. It’s about the performance of it all. Making a room full of strangers feel close as family. It feels like home, I suppose.
GASTHOG
(Not getting it) Oh, everything you said and more, Bellie. Well, I’ll leave you to it. I have some preparations to make. LeFou, we’re going.
BELLE
Oh, see you around LeFou!
LEFOU
Bye, Belle!
GASTHOG
Who's talking to you?
(Gasthog and Lefou leave)
MAURICE
(Actively eating sandwich) Belle, did you see that guy? He almost hit my piano.
(He holds up the piano case. It’s the length and width of an upright piano, but about 2’ deep)
BELLE
It’s not broken, is it?
MAURICE
Nah, she’s a strong girl. I’ve dropped her in a river before, sounded better than ever.
BELLE
Uncle, can I ask you something?
MAURICE
What is it, kiddo?
BELLE
Do you ever feel like you need to just… leave?
MAURICE
Leave?
BELLE
I mean, this isn’t exactly the biggest town in France. I want to get out there someday and see the world. It can’t just be this.
MAURICE
Why do you think I’m going on tour? (He laughs, notices Belle is upset) Aw, what’s wrong kid?
BELLE
Maurice, do you think you’d need a manager on standby? Or maybe a traveling partner? At this point, I’ll settle for roadie.
MAURICE
I don’t.
(Belle’s face falls. I don’t know how we’d do that on Kermit the Muppet but we as a species accomplished the Little Shop of Horrors movie so we can figure it out)
MAURICE
I have been looking for an opening act though. A banjo player. Would you be interested?
BELLE
Well I-- wait, no. People here need me. Besides, it’s nepotism. I’m better than that. I won’t take this away from an actual musician. They can’t get jobs in the first place.
MAURICE
It’s not nepotism if you’re good at it, kiddo.
BELLE
That’s really not how nepotism works--
MAURICE
But if that’s how you really feel, then I’ll go alone. (Maurice starts to walk away slowly) By myself. Solo. Play to un-warmed-up crowds of hundreds, maybe even thousands. All lonely-like.
BELLE
(Rushing to Maurice) Oh, all right! I’ll do it! But I don’t have anything prepared, or packed, or a setlist, gosh, I need to get a house-sitter--
MAURICE
Listen, I’ll run on ahead and start getting set up. You get arrangements in order. I’ll send back a wagon for you when I get there. That sound good?
BELLE
Uh, yeah! Yeah, I think so!
MAURICE
You sure?
BELLE
Yes?
MAURICE
Absolutely positive?
BELLE
Maurice, do you want me to do this or not?
MAURICE
Sorry, just excited! I’ll see you there!
( Maurice jogs off, backpack jangling. He hails a wagon like a cab, throws his pack in there, and climbs on. He rides away)
BELLE
Oh, uh, bye! (To himself) Gosh, I’m really doing this. Ok, ok, clothes, toothbrush, sheet music, housesitter, what else…
(Belle’s dialogue fades off. We see a shot of Maurice riding out of town on the cart into dark, deep woods. Shit’s gonna go down)