Archive of Our Own

"I might've made a mistake." Grian said.

"That sentence doesn't fill me with terror at all." Mumbo said.

Grian laughed, but it was a little haunted. They were meeting up at Mumbo's redstone testing world, sitting on a ridiculous contraption and catching up since Mumbo took a break from Hermitcraft. Grian said, "You know my whole thing with like... positive touch?"

"I've noticed a improvement, yeah." Mumbo pointedly pat his shoulder and Grian didn't flinch, which he would've previously.

"Right. And you know how Scar is incredibly cuddly and needs a lot more physical attention than the other Hermits?" Grian said, more nervous.

"Oh no." Mumbo said.

"Oh yes. We might've... come up with a mutually beneficial arrangement." Grian said, grimacing.

"The fact that you're calling this a mistake means this is not going to be a good thing."

"I mean, it is a good thing. I can safely say that I am no longer touch starved."

"But...?"

Grian hesitated. He bit his lip. "We promised it wasn't going to ruin our friendship."

Mumbo gave him a knowing look. "Buddy..."

"I know."

[]

The actual arrangement began at three in the morning. Grian and Scar were working on the villager trading hall and instead of flying home they set up two beds in the faux boat to sleep through the night.

Instead of sleeping, they stayed awake talking. At first it was about their plans, then they got distracted discussing Scar trying to clip Jellie's nails, and it was under a sky of stars that Scar admitted he had gotten Jellie because he had wanted more physical interaction than Hermitcraft really provided.

Grian felt like the pinpricks of stars and the fact that Scar was someone he felt vulnerable enough with that he could open his mouth and admit that after the Watchers his relationship with physical touch was pretty messed up. A horrible combination of being terrified of anyone touching him and also being painfully touch starved. A quiet confession like pulling-teeth that he wanted casual intimacy and couldn't see how he could ever trust someone enough to build it, to do something as simple as cuddle or kiss without being flooded with terror.

"I have a great idea." Scar said.

Grian pressed his palms into his eyes, afraid of any idea that came from this conversation. It blocked the stars. "Scar..."

"I feel as if we could have a mutually beneficial arrangement." Scar shifted beside him, like he was sitting up, voice getting excited.

"It's fine, Scar. So what if I'm lacking positive intimacy? I'm lacking a lot of things. It's fine."

"I could give it to you!" Scar encouraged. "It's not as if I wouldn't enjoy it too."

"You would get feelings everywhere. No." Grian dropped his hands to look at his friend, who was propped up on his elbow and just barely the spark of his eyes visible in the dark, halo-lit by a torch behind him.

"I promise I will have zero feelings." Scar said earnestly. "Just friends helping each other out."

"You are my best friend. If we..." Grian shook his head.

It was quiet for a minute. Scar didn't move, biting his lip. He ventured, softer, "Wouldn't you rather work on this with someone you trust?"

"Scar. It's a terrible idea." Grian protested, weak.

Scar sensed the blood in the water. "I'm offering. Have more faith in me."

The offer hung between them. Grian wanted to accept. He hated that he wanted to accept. He said, "Just as friends."

"Just as friends." Scar vowed, putting his hand on his chest.

"Your heart is on the other side."

Scar swapped sides and there was flash of teeth in the dim.

"And no telling anyone." Grian said.

"Fine. As long as you tell me the moment you want anything to stop. Full communication, always. Deal?"

Scar took the hand off his heart and offered it out. Grian hesitated, but it was three in the morning and he was an idiot. He shook.

"Deal." Grian said.

Scar's hand was warm. He didn't offer anything else, letting go and laying down to stare at the stars. Grian did too. He could've left it there, could've let it drop.

His heart beat against the back of his tongue. He fiddled with his sweater sleeve. Grian said, "Scar?"

"G?"

He held up a pinky. Scar reached over and linked their pinkies together. A single point of contact between their two beds, a sliver of warmth. They fell asleep like that.

In the morning, daylight illuminated Scar, so that when Grian opened his eyes he could see his face. Smushed, hugging the pillow with one arm and the other outstretched between them, still linked together just on the one finger. His mouth was open, brow unwrinkled, and completely still beyond the gentle rise and fall of his chest.

Grian stared at their connected hands for a long time before withdrawing. The moment he did, Scar's eyes opened, blinking into the morning light. He sleepily said, "Mornin'."

"Hey." Grian's voice rasped and he cleared it.

Scar smiled. They got up and got back to work.

[]

Grian was overthinking. It was a particularly good talent of his. He sat in the window of his base, knees drawn up, wondering if he was making a mistake. All they'd done was link pinkies. It felt like he'd committed some great crime.

There were footsteps on the stairs. Grian said, "Go away," but he didn't mean it.

Scar laughed and came over anyway, sitting beside him. He said, "Stop freaking out about it. Nothing's changed."

"Stop reading my mind." Grian complained, because Scar was his best friend who knew him better than anyone, other than maybe Mumbo.

Scar offered a hand.

Grian stared at it like he'd never seen a hand before. He said, "What do you want me to do?"

"Sorry, I forgot that you require at least two layers of subterfuge. You dropped something."

"I dropped something." Grian repeated, flatly.

"Yeah. Can you hold this?"

Grian could not help the helpless laugh that punched out of his chest. He held Scar's hand.

He had soft palms. They let their clasped hands rest between them. Grian's heart began to beat uncomfortably hard.

Scar was searching his face, a frown growing. He said, "Tell me if you want to stop."

"I want to stop." Grian blurted, as the panic grew.

They let go. Grian pressed his cheek into his knees and tried to figure out why he was so scared. He trusted Scar. Nothing was going to happen, there was not a punishment for interacting with the players. He wasn't meant to just watch.

A shot of indignation ran up his spine, straightening up, and he held his hand out again. He said, "Mulligan. Try again."

Scar chuckled, concerned, but didn't deny him. That was good, it eased the instant terror of asking for positive touch and the expected rejection. He held their hands together again. Grian's heart took over all other sound, loud and persistent in his ears, almost sore with the feeling. This time, Scar's thumb soothingly rubbed little circles.

"I was thinking about building Pearl an upside-down house." Scar said.

Grian heard it through the waterfall. But immediately latched on, intrigued and desperate for the distraction. "So that you'd walk around on the ceilings?"

"Yeah! And see if you could get like the animals to stay on the inverted ground. Gravity would be a pain, but I think I can talk my way out of it."

Grian laughed. He could feel the soft, idle circles. They talked about pranking Pearl and held hands. The world did not end.

[]

Grian watched Scar carry Jellie around the whole day and realized that maybe his best friend needed a hug.

After having heard the admission that he'd gotten Jellie to fill a void the Hermits lacked, and the desire to make sure that Scar got something out of this arrangement as well, Grian approached him with intent.

"G!" Scar greeted, warm and pleased.

"Scar." Grian replied, and very purposefully opened his arms for a hug.

The warm expression brightened to something almost blazing. He stepped forward, bringing Jellie with him, and wrapped his arms around Grian's back.

"You're squishing the cat." Grian said, patting his shoulder blindly.

"She doesn't mind."

Jellie meowed and squirmed out of his grip, hopping agile and irritated to the floor.

"A Grian hug is very coveted, she doesn't know what she's missing." Scar said into his hair.

Grian chuckled, but it was a little strained. He pulled away, unable to ignore the squirming in his stomach.

Scar scooped up his cat again, tucking her underneath his chin and scratching her fur idly.

Grian said, a hint of worry, "You okay?"

"I'm good. I'm great!" Scar let his smile grow to his molars.

Grian pinned him back with an unimpressed stare. He knew Scar just as well as Scar knew him.

A minor falter in Scar's demeanor. He said, "I'm fine. Just... you know."

"Yeah." Grian itched the back of his neck. "You know, I think I need more practice with hugs."

"Do you?"

"Yeah. Let's try again."

Scar's expression was incredibly vulnerable. It kind of made Grian's ribs hurt, hard to breathe. He was careful when they hugged, keeping it comfortable for Jellie, and hanging on tight.

The panic and the instinctual fear took a minute for Grian to breathe through, but didn't let go. This was okay. Everything was okay. Scar needed a hug. Grian was giving him a hug. He was getting cat fur in his nose. He had two strong arms securely holding him in place. Once his shoulders finally relaxed, so did Scar, ducking his head to press his nose into Grian's shoulder.

"We're good." Grian promised.

"Good. Yeah. Thanks." Scar was the one to let go this time. Jellie meowed again, hopping to his shoulders instead.

Grian reached out and stroked her cheek with a finger. Scar looked a bit better, at least.

[]

Scar was giving Grian a tour of his mega base, showing off the new sound system. The custom discs with his voice recordings, and how he'd set up the redstone to play throughout the park.

"Let me try something. Hold on, hold on." Grian placed his Ender chest and withdrew a shulker that housed his discs. He pulled out Wait and popped it in the music box. After a moment of loading, the whole park began to echo the soft beat. Grian threw his head back and laughed, pleased.

"Here." Scar said, holding out his hand with a charming grin. "We've got a whole street for a dancefloor."

Grian hesitated only a second, then said, "We'll need it!" and took his hand.

"I'm leading, I'm taller." Scar said, cradling his fingers gently and winding his other arm around Grian's waist.

"I'm leading, you suck at it." Grian corrected, stiff in his grip but consciously focusing on his breathing and trying to relax.

Scar laughed. "Fair enough." and let Grian lead.

Wait rhythmically echoed around all corners of the breath-taking decorations. And painstakingly designed store-fronts. The atmosphere that Scar created was magical and wholesome.

It wrapped Grian in joy and warmth. It helped with the tension in his shoulders, as long as he focused on the smile on Scar's face. Then the sparkling laugh when he raised his hand and insistent that Scar spin, a spiral of long dark hair. Pulled close again, predictable chiming of Wait, fingers intertwined.

The song looped. They swayed in place, and Grian reached up to gently stroke a long piece of Scar's hair behind his ear.

"Good?" Scar asked, tips of his ears pink.

"Good." Grian confirmed. He separated enough to bow at his partner.

Scar took his hand and bowed over it in return, giving just the faintest kiss to Grian's knuckles.

The featherlight feeling of his lips just about took Grian out at the knees. He laughed, high and nervous, and said, "You're a moron."

Scar looked up at him from the deep bow and grinned like a loon. He thumbed over the knuckles he just kissed and let go.

Grian left Wait there, in the jukebox.

[]

It was Scar's birthday. There was a surprise party, with games and Jellie-shaped cake and music and dancing and everything a Scar could want.

Which was why Grian was surprised to find him sitting alone, tucked against the wall, a visibly distressed expression that clumsily smoothed away when he saw Grian.

"Ah, G." Scar said, tongue not quite moving properly. "I'll be back out there in a minute."

Grian observed the hunched shoulders like they were trying to block his ears and the tremor in his hands. He guessed in a soft voice, "Too loud?"

Scar hesitated, then gave a miserable nod. Grian took the spot beside him, taking a deep bracing breath and leaning against him. Trying not to tense, trying to be helpful.

The pressure seemed to immediately loosen Scar, silent and grateful, pressing back.

The distant thumps of music and chimes of laughter. Grian appreciated the reprieve as well, soaking in the moment alone with Scar. The soft affection he was growing to tolerate, and possibly even enjoy. Pushing beyond the boundary of the pain associated with touch.

Wondering, almost experimentally, Grian turned into Scar's side and leaned just a bit closer to kiss his broad shoulder. Then tipped his forehead down against it, staying there.

Scar reached a hand over and offered it. Grian intertwined their fingers and counted his breath. It was all overwhelming, but that was probably just the stimulation from the party. As long as he kept breathing, he could keep the contact. He trusted Scar. This was okay. Nothing was going to happen.

"Can I give you a birthday present?" Grian asked, keeping his voice low.

"Of course." Scar replied, tilting his head down. He had a curious look playing over his face, the tension gone from his brow.

Grian swung his legs up and folded them over Scar's lap. A hand immediately held his calf to keep them from falling. He reached up to cup Scar's jaw, thumbing his bottom lip, and leaning forward with a raised, questioning eyebrow. "Yeah?"

Scar stared, magnetized, at Grian's lips. He said, "If you're sure."

"Part of the deal, right? Just as friends." Grian said.

"Just as friends, yeah." Scar licked his lips.

Grian closed the distance, inhaling slow through his nose. It was almost shy. He kissed him with care, then pulled away to murmur, "Scar, breathe."

Scar breathed, abrupt. His face turned red and he said, "Sorry, sorry."

"Was that okay?" Grian said, trying not to sound as nervous as he felt. He didn't want to give Scar a present he didn't like.

"I forgot to breathe." Scar admitted, and his face split into a smile. "Thank you for the present."

Grian pulled away to laugh.

They stayed there, calm and soft, until the overstimulation wore off enough that they could return together, their intertwined fingers falling apart at the last second before they rejoined their friends.

[]

Grian couldn't sleep. He was tired but no amount of laying in bed meant he actually slept. It was beginning to drive him a little wild.

There was an itching underneath his skin. He sought out Scar, who was definitely asleep and probably didn't want to be woken in the middle of the night. Too bad, should've thought of that before he became friends with Grian.

"Scar." Grian knelt on the edge of his bed, trying to be normal about touch and not overthinking it when he reached out to gently shake his shoulder.

"Mm. G?" Scar mumbled, not awake.

"Pay attention to me."

It was a playful whine. It was coated in far too much truth. Scar must've heard it, for he rolled over and said, "Okay, okay. Let me wake up a little."

His best friend sat up on his elbow and rubbed his eyes. Grian fidgeted and said nothing.

Scar said, groggy, "Alright, what's going on?"

"Can't sleep." Grian said. "Pay attention to me."

Scar gave an indulgent smile. "Do you want a hug?"

Grian hesitated. He wasn't sure if that was what he wanted. It all felt abstract and weird and prickly. Was that the touch starved? Was that something else? He said, "Let's try, I guess."

"I am a hug master, it will solve all your worries and wash away your fears." Scar promised, managing something almost charming around the fact that he still did not sound completely awake. He opened one arm, bringing the blanket up and looking inviting.

Grian kicked his shoes off and climbed in. He was pretty cold so the shock of warmth was his first thought, his second was the immediate evil to press his ice toes to Scar's bare legs.

Scar yelped, but did not pull away. In fact, it just made him hug Grian tighter. He said, fond and annoyed, "Menace."

"Pay attention to me." Grian repeated, to be more annoying. To hammer the point home.

"I am paying attention to you." Scar looked at him with all his half-awake function through the dark. "This is me, paying attention to you."

Grian warmed his feet on Scar's hairy legs. He was wrapped all around, the touch that instant-rush of overwhelming that resolved the tension much quicker than it used to. He could breathe around the band crushing his lungs in record time.

"You're falling asleep." Grian accused, because Scar's eyes were closing.

"I'm just resting my eyes."

"I can't sleep, it's not fair if you sleep."

"I'm going to drag you down in dreamland with me, just watch."

Grian pouted. Scar didn't open his eyes again, breath evening out. Grian's feet were warm and could no longer be used as a weapon. It was dark and quiet and he watched Scar sleep for so long that he was successful, and did drag him into it as well.

[]

Grian wasn't quite sure what was going on.

"Grian?" Scar said, to his left.

He turned, confused, blinking, a little scared.

"You're fine." Scar promised. "Just zoned out a bit. Do you know where you are?"

Zoned out was a nice way of saying dissociated. Grian felt his shoulders tense up, because his whole life always felt like it was two steps forward ten steps back. He managed, "Home."

"Yeah, you're home." Scar said.

"Don't touch me." Grian replied, because it felt important to say.

"Not touching you." Scar confirmed. "Staying away but not going far. I touched you when you weren't expecting it and I think it may have given you some bad memories. But that's fine, nothing is happening right now."

"Oh no." Grian had a vague memory of thinking something horrible was happening. And begging for it not to happen. "Did I say anything?"

Scar hesitated a beat too long before saying, "No." He was lying.

Grian covered his face with hands, feeling untethered and embarrassed. "I'm sorry."

"Please don't apologize for that." Scar said, pained. He added, hesitant, "You didn't deserve any of that."

Grian barked a bitter laugh and didn't know what he'd say to that even if he could think of an answer. He hugged his middle, tightly. He'd gotten too reliant on Scar's touch. But when Scar had approached him from behind, he hadn't known who it was, and he spiralled. He trusted Scar. Everyone else was still up in the air.

Grian quietly focused on orienting himself, reminding himself that if Scar was there, he was safe.

"Scar." Grian said, and held out a trembling hand.

"Yeah?"

"Yeah."

Scar held his hand. It should've felt like taking steps backwards. Instead it felt enormous. Scar's thumb traced the line of his tendon and he hummed Wait.

[]

Grian always knew when he was working too hard when he started to argue with his shulker boxes.

"You should have my concrete. Why do you not have my concrete? Which one of you does?" Grian said, staring at the huge stack of colourful shulkers stacked in nonsense patterns in front of him. He'd been building for days without a break. He was starting to see concrete when he shut his eyes.

"Try the green one?" Scar's voice guessed.

"You know what they say," Grian replied, not turning around. "It's okay if you talk to the shulkers, and it's okay if they talk back. But it's not okay when you start doing what they tell you to."

Scar laughed. He stepped into view, smiling, but there was a worried furrow between his brow.

"I think it might be time to take a break." Scar suggested.

"Tell that to my shulkers." Grian said.

"It's time for Grian to take a break." Scar told the shulkers, solemn.

Grian laughed. He was a bit dizzy, so didn't argue when Scar took him by the elbow and led him away from the monster he'd created.

"How'd you know?" Grian complained, as Scar gave him food and insisted he eat.

"You only go this long without pranking someone unless you're too caught up in a build to notice the passage of time." Scar said.

"I noticed the passage of time." Grian said, annoyed. He spitefully ate the bread. "It was taunting me with how long this is taking me. Plus, you're the one to talk. As if you've never worked through a couple nights to finish something."

"Yes, and if I do that, then a pesky bird shows up at my doorstep and forces me to sit and eat. Pot, meet kettle."

"At least the shulkers don't call me a hypocrite." Grian said, failing to hide his smile this time.

Scar bonked their shoulders together. Grian leaned into the touch, thinking about kissing him again. He'd thought about it quite a lot, actually. Ever since Scar's birthday he had his mind flash back to that moment about a million times, and it may have inspired this particular bout of over-working. If he was working, then he wasn't thinking about Scar.

"Do I get a reward for taking a break?" Grian asked, because he was a menace and a glutton for punishment. He licked his lips and glanced down at Scar's mouth.

"That could be arranged." Scar said, voice a little higher than normal. Ears turning pink.

Grian laughed and kissed him. It was slow, lazy, taking his time.

Scar's hands hovered then settled on Grian's arms, kissing back with a careful attentiveness, letting Grian slip his tongue and run along his teeth. Scar shivered, hands tensing, and relaxing when Grian just painstakingly licked every inch of Scar's mouth.

They parted after what felt like eternity, a split of spit between them, and Grian felt very educated on what it was like to kiss Scar. He wanted to know more. He leaned forward and grabbed either side of his face to kiss deeper, with that slow intent, trying to catalogue the little squeaks and shivers of his partner. Then he sucked on Scar's bottom lip, enjoying the reactions immensely.

When they stopped, Scar looked as if he didn't have a single thought in his head. He reached up to thumb at his swollen lip and opened and closed his mouth a couple times like he didn't know what to say.

Grian was sufficiently smug at that. He said, "Brilliant reward, thank you."

"You're welcome." Scar said, distant.

[]

The Hermits had set up a screen to watch the latest MCC VOD, and Grian found Scar with a blanket on the grass.

"Are you joining me?" Scar asked, beaming. He shuffled over to make room.

"Sure." Grian plopped beside him. "Who's POV are we watching?"

"Pearl."

"Oh good. I was hoping it wasn't mine." Grian rubbed the back of his neck. "I may have made some questionable plays. This way I can tease Pearl instead."

Scar laughed. The Hermits all set up blankets and chairs around them. Scar and Grian were near the back, which was good because Scar wrapped an arm around him.

Grian didn't complain, because the touch was nice. He relaxed into it, blood warm and body soft against Scar's. Even as he got overly invested in Pearl's VOD, despite knowing that she didn't win from his own experience of the games.

Grian still managed to die on-screen and he groaned, turning to hide his face in Scar's shirt.

Scar chuckled and rubbed his arm. He kissed the side of Grian's head and said, "It wasn't that bad."

Grian tensed up immediately, because their friends were right there. He straightened and glanced around nervously. Everyone was facing the screen, and the only person seated behind them was Cub, tossing popcorn into his mouth.

"No one's supposed to know." Grian hissed at him, pulling away.

"Oh." Scar followed his gaze line and grimaced. "It's just Cub. Um. I may have already told him."

"You told him?" Grian said, heart plummeting.

"Sorry." Scar whispered, raising his hands. "I can't, he's Cub, I tell him everything, even if I don't want to. I won't tell anyone else, I swear."

His heart kept a nervous uptick. He said, "What did Cub say?"

"Nothing." Scar said, too quick.

"Scar."

"Really, he's fine, he's not going to tell anyone either."

Cub wasn't the type to go around sharing other people's business. And Grian really should've expected that Scar would tell Cub, they didn't really have secrets between them. It was a special case. Grian forced himself to relax and said, "Fine, fine. But be careful. Someone might turn around."

"I will." Scar promised, and didn't put his arm around him again. However, after a few nervous minutes, he did take Grian's hand and hold it gently between them.

It was stupid how Grian had a hard time focusing on the VOD because all he could think about was the soft circles his thumb traced. Why did he always do that?

[]

GoodTimeWithScar: are you busy?

GoodTimeWithScar: cold you come over?

"I can't decide if you were trying to tell me you were cold, or that you were trying to type 'could' and dyslexia got in the way." Grian greeted, as he let himself into Scar's base.

"Dyslexia." Scar's voice replied, sounding off. Grian followed the sound and found him sitting on the edge of his bed, hands braced between his knees, trembling.

A fist of worry closed around Grian's heart. He crouched in front of Scar and took both his hands in his. He gave a nervous smile and said, "Alright?"

"I'm great." Scar gave a wobbly smile back.

"Do you want to talk about it?" Grian ignored the lie with ease.

"Nothing to talk about." Scar's layer of charm and defense did not allow anything else.

"Of course." Grian said, trying not to sound as worried as he felt. Scar looked awful. His eyes were red and his fingers were still shaking in Grian's grip. "I do think it's cold in here, actually."

"Yeah?"

Grian hugged him, unprompted, shuffling forward on his knees and wrapping his arms tight around Scar's middle. He said, "I can help with that."

Scar leaned his cheek on the top of Grian's curls. He shuddered a breath and said, "Sure. Thanks."

After a minute, Scar sniffed. Then muttered, "Darn it, not again."

Distress raced through Grian's veins. He said, alarmed, "Are you crying?"

"No." Scar said, obviously crying, pulling back to wipe away his tears and keeping his eyes averted.

Grian pulled his sleeve over his thumb and intently helped to dry his face. He wanted to ask what was wrong but knew he'd probably just get another deflection for an answer.

"I'm just overthinking." Scar admitted, without having to be prodded. "You know how your brain just sometimes runs away without you and you're trying to catch up and stop it?"

"Mine is usually more like my brain has a baseball bat and won't stop swinging." Grian said, wryly. "It makes me sore. Yours... it sounds very exhausting."

"Exhausting. Yeah. I'm tired. I'm really tired and I don't know quite what to do to help. I want it to slow down but even if I lay down and close my eyes that's like it's worse."

Grian sighed, unsure how to help. "I could stay with you until you fall asleep? Wait, let me get something. Get comfy, okay?"

Scar quietly pulled back the covers, eyes flashing uncertainly. Grian left, but didn't go far, finding Jellie chasing torch flickered shadows in the hallway. She caught sight of Grian and meowed at top volume.

"Hi sweetness." Grian cooed, crouching to catch her willing jump into his arms. She bonked her head against his chin, purring. "Yes, yes, hi. We need to go cuddle Scar, okay?"

Grian got the lights on his way back in, and crawled into bed with Scar, squishing the cat between them.

"Oh, Jellie." Scar said.

The cat purred an endless cycle, worming up to nuzzle Scar's cheek. He kissed her fluffy head, eyes squeezing shut.

Grian stole one of Scar's hands and massaged his knuckles and tendons. He said, "Is this better?"

Scar shuddered a breath. He said, "It's not worse."

Grian kept his promise, he did not move until the tension finally fell out of Scar's face, his breathing evened out, and whatever he was worried about disappeared into the dreamscape. He didn't leave even then, keeping watch, petting Jellie, thinking too hard himself.

He'd certainly made strides in being able to accept positive affection. And they hadn't even ruined their friendship to do so. But Grian was beginning to worry about the fact that he wanted to kiss Scar every time he saw him, he wanted to step into his space and never leave, he wanted to hold his hand while they did stupid mundane tasks. That didn't seem normal to want from friends. Was it just the nature of this arrangement? Or did Grian have something else to worry about?

Why did he have butterflies watching Scar sleep?

[]

It was at the point where if anything felt wrong, Grian went to Scar immediately. When he realized he'd been disassociating multiple times in the same hour, he sought out his friend. Scar was in his wheelchair today, rolling around his mega build and explaining his thought process loudly to Jellie.

Grian flew in, joining him by sitting on his lap. "Hi."

"Hi!" Scar said brightly and let go of the wheels to grab Grian's hand and give his palm a kiss. It sent tingles up his spine.

"What are you up to?" Grian asked.

Scar happily showed him, wheeling around at top speed to show the different decorations and redstone components he was so proud of. Grian kept his legs tucked out of the way and found himself looking at Scar's face more than the builds.

"Not that I'm complaining, but what brings you by?" Scar asked, once he'd gone through all he was working on with his mostly silent companion, stopping inside one of his perfectly designed interiors.

"Couldn't focus on my own stuff." Grian understated. "Wanted to see if I could focus on you instead."

That familiar charm undercut by the pinkening of Scar's cheeks. He wrapped his arms around the Grian in his lap and said, "Definitely not complaining, then."

Grian shifted so he was straddling him instead and wondered if he would ever be normal again about the sight of Scar. Because he wanted to kiss him, to taste him, and that was not friendly behaviour.

"You look like you want to eat me." Scar teased.

"That can be arranged." Grian replied, and leaned forward to kiss his neck. He felt the sharp, surprised inhale of the trachea through his lips, and entertained himself by giving him a hickey.

Scar's uncertain hands didn't seem to know where to go, but were braver than before as they fell to Grian's waist and snuck his fingertips under the hem of his sweater.

Grian inhaled against the sweat-sweet skin and smiled against the love bite he'd just made on his skin. He trailed his mouth up Scar's neck to capture his mouth, skipping right over soft into needy, focused entirely on Scar, Scar, Scar.

They made out for ages, until Grian lost all sense of time for a different reason, the sight of his work on Scar's neck made his heart skip a beat.

It didn't seem like a bad idea at all. That was probably the point of no return.

[]

GoodTimeWithScar: sos

GoodTimeWithScar: im stuck in a redstone thing

Grian replied, 'stuck how'.

GoodTimeWithScar: its gonna eat me

That was unhelpful. Regardless, Grian dropped everything and flew to the coordinates provided. He found his friend with his leg stuck in a piston of a redstone trap.

"I don't think it was meant to actually bite me." Scar explained, a sheen of sweat on his brow, all the signs of a prank triggered. It looked like it was just supposed to encase him, but his leg was obviously in the wrong place.

A roar of protectiveness and indignation on Scar's behalf burst in Grian's chest, and he said through gritted teeth, "Do you want me to disengage it or just trigger a respawn?"

"I would trigger a respawn." Scar said, out of breath. "It really hurts."

"Okay. Sorry." Grian raised his bow and aimed between the blocks at Scar's head. "I'll make it quick."

"Thanks."

The arrow hit its mark, enchanted enough that Scar's already reduced health immediately despawned him in an explosion of items. Grian spitefully hacked down pieces of the trap, collected his things, and turned tail to fly to Scar's base.

Grian met him there, Scar not having even gotten up yet, rubbing his leg.

"Still hurts?" Grian asked, kicking Scar's inventory out of his own onto the floor.

"Can't tell if it really does or just phantom pain." Scar admitted. "Thanks for the quick rescue, G."

"Duh." Grian said. When Scar finally stood up to collect his things, Grian caught his wrist and pulled him possessively towards him. He kissed him, soft, careful.

Scar's hands settled on his hips, drinking in quietly, not questioning. Grian pulled away with a pained smile. Scar returned it, and picked up his things.

His mind kept going in circles. Like a thumb rubbing small patterns into his skin. He didn't know what to think anymore.

[]

Grian was stressed. He was ranting to Scar about how he needed Netherite but all his time in the Nether just meant lava-scorched hair and not a single piece of ancient debris. Scar was watching him, fond, and all he had to do was open his hands in offer.

It was exactly what he really wanted. Grian attacked him, kissing messy and frantic and frustrated. Scar dug fingers into his back and licked into his mouth, trying to match the pace, resulting in ruffled hair and clothes in disarray from uncoordinated tugging. When Grian pulled back to look at him, all he saw was awe on Scar's face, between the thoroughly kissed lips and amused eye crinkles. He'd captured one of Grian's hands and was rubbing circles on his skin.

"Why do you do that?" Grian burst, not really intending to ask.

"Do what?" Scar replied.

"That." Grian gestured to their hands.

Scar's thumb stopped. Something crossed his face. He said, "Because I can?"

There felt like there was more to it than that. It felt like Scar wasn't about to tell him even if there was. Grian contented himself with what he could have, which was pouncing on him again for more kissing.

A yearning opened like a cavern splitting in half. He couldn't put a name to it.

[]

Grian put a name to it.

It was Scar rubbing circles on his skin 'because he could'. It was Scar never pushing, never taking more than what was offered. It was the butterflies in his stomach. It was the skip in his heartbeat. It was finding ridiculous excuses to make out with his best friend. It was his best friend making him able to hug and interact with people again without flinching, with the care and purpose. It was keeping Scar company because the idea of him lonely physically hurt. It was obliterating those who pranked him and hurt him back tenfold.

Grian realized this when he came to say goodbye to Scar before he headed off to visit Mumbo. He stopped by and gave long, lingering goodbye kisses. That then Scar turned and kissed him a thousand times, on the corner of his mouth, his cheekbone, his nose, his brow, his neck, until Grian was a mass of giggles and swatting at Scar to let him go and visit their friend, not to keep him there forever. It was trust, trust, trust.

It was love.

[]

"That is quite a pickle." Mumbo said, rubbing the back of his neck.

Grian groaned and mimed banging his head against the wall. "I don't know what the hell I'm supposed to do."

"I have wild idea and I don't want you to jump down my throat for saying it."

"Go ahead."

"You could tell him how you feel."

"Serious suggestions only, please."

Mumbo laughed, but then leaned forward more earnestly, "No, really."

"Absolutely not."

"Why?"

Grian felt sick to his stomach. "It's not like that. We have rules, Mumbo. I promised I wouldn't fall in love with him. You know how I'm like, terrible at introspection of my own emotions? I'm pretty sure I've been in love with him the whole time and had no idea what I was agreeing to."

"That does sound like you, yeah."

"Can you be more helpful?"

Mumbo rubbed Grian's back sympathetically. "I don't know what to tell you, buddy. The only person who can solve your problem is Scar himself. Either he loves you too and you can date the man to get positive intimacy with no need for a ridiculous deal. Or he doesn't--"

"--and I lose everything." Grian muttered fatalistically.

Mumbo gave him a flat look. "I'm sorry, are we talking about the same GoodTimesWithScar?"

"That doesn't necessarily mean he'll love me back."

"That's not what I'm saying at all. Scar would never hurt you. If he didn't feel the same way, he would let you down gently, and he would make sure you were still well taken care of, he would still be the best damn friend we've ever had."

"Isn't that worse? To have him be sweet and wonderful but not love me back?" Grian said, miserable.

"No?" Mumbo said. "Because then you won't be suffering in this stasis anymore. It's kinder to let him know what's going on with you, instead of keeping up a false pretense."

"Stop being sensible."

"Didn't you come here so I could call you a spoon? You're a spoon. Talk to the man."

[]

Scar met up with him when he returned from Mumbo's testing world. A bright, burning smile on his face as he raced over to greet him with a swooping hug.

Grian hung on tight and said goodbye to this affection. He squeezed his eyes shut and breathed in the familiar scent. He pulled back enough to see Scar's face.

Breath-takingly handsome and so freaking happy to see him. It was painful how much he loved him. Scar reached out, brushing his hair out of his face. His expression was gooey.

"I think we should stop." Grian heard himself say.

He regretted his impulsive decision immediately. Especially because he had to watch, in real time, as Scar's expression plummeted. As his eyes dulled, and his hand dropped. His voice sounded a parody of himself when he said, with a scared inquiry, "Stop?"

"This." Grian gestured between them, heart breaking at the way Scar's lip wobbled. "I want to stop."

Scar stepped away from him, smoothly pulling his arms behind his back. He said, "Thank you for telling me."

"I'm sorry." Grian felt a cavern of guilt open in his chest, a horrible sensation that he created himself.

Scar immediately shook his head. "No, I wanted you to communicate with me. I'm glad you are."

It did nothing to abate the feeling. Grian bit his lip uncertainly, and said, "So we're still good?"

"Always." Scar promised, and Grian watched as he closed off his expression, shutting all emotion away until a plastic smile remained.

"Thanks for the help." Grian said, weakly.

"Of course." Scar said, with just a hint of robotic. "I'll see you later, okay?"

Then Scar reached out a hand and hesitated, like the movement was automatic, like he couldn't stop himself. And Grian hysterically thought that Mumbo was wrong, that he'd managed to screw up the only good thing he'd ever had. Scar awkwardly turned the motion into a wave and left at a pace that would be better described as fleeing.

Grian stood there alone and his skin crawled. It was better this way, he told himself. He lied to himself.

[]

They avoided each other for three days. Grian couldn't stand it. All he had to do was think about the crushed expression on Scar's face and the world disappeared beneath his feet. He didn't know what to do.

He was going out of his way to avoid Scar, and his best friend was doing the same. He saw Scar popping off from the shopping district the moment Grian arrived.

He could hear Mumbo's voice in his head telling him not to be a spoon. That he should tell Scar how he felt. And it just didn't make sense, because he didn't understand why Scar's reaction would be like this. There must've been a reason that he cared so much. He wasn't in tune enough with his own emotions, let alone other people's, to figure out why. Even with someone like Scar, a person who wore their heart on their sleeve.

Grian could see it was a beating, bleeding, broken heart. But he couldn't figure out what it meant.

After three days Grian decided that it wasn't as if things could get any worse. They were already avoiding each other. Maybe if he was honest about why he ended their arrangement, then Scar would talk to him again, look at him again.

He DM'd Scar, 'hey'

GoodTimeWithScar: hey!

Grian bit his lip. He tried for casual, 'what are you up to?'

GoodTimeWithScar: not much, you?

Grian immediately discarded casual, 'I think I screwed everything up.'

The reply took longer. Grian chewed on his thumb nail. Eventually, his communicator pinged again and his heart beat against his tongue.

GoodTimeWithScar: you didn't, i did

Grian stared at the message for a full minute, completely not comprehending. He typed back, confused, 'what do you mean?'

GoodTimeWithScar: nevermind

Grian couldn't stand to do this over text, he was already terrible at reading people. Let alone without their facial expressions or tone of voice. He wrote back, 'ok. do you want to come over to my starter for dinner? i have soup.'

GoodTimeWithScar: ok

Grian made soup so the fabrication was real. He chose his starter because it was actually furnished, unlike his mega base. But it was small and had little room for him to pace.

Rockets in the distance and footsteps on the path. Then a long hesitation before Scar knocked on the door, swinging it open as he did.

"What's the occasion?" Scar said, smiling with all his teeth. It was very fake.

Grian offered out the soup bowl. "We're having dinner together. It's been too long."

"It's been three days." Scar replied, but took the bowl and had a seat across from him.

"I said what I said." Grian laughed, also fake.

They ate. Grian mulled over what to say. The silence between them was awkward and terrible nothing like their years of friendship ever would've created. He said, careful, "Why do you think you messed up?"

Scar wouldn't meet his eye, repeatedly circling his spoon and never raising it to his mouth. "I wasn't good at following the rules."

Grian's brow furrowed. He hadn't thought Scar had been bad at the rules at all. They'd only had three rules, not to fall in love, not to tell anyone, and to communicate. Scar had been pretty good at all three. Except for one, sort of.

"Because you told Cub?" Grian guessed. "Because I also told Mumbo, you're not alone in that."

Scar shook his head, still not looking over, setting the untouched bowls aside. "Because I changed things. Between us. I'm sorry, I should've listened to you."

That wasn't an answer to the question. They were not on the same wavelength at all, apparently. Grian's heart beat in a nervous cadence, and he ventured, "Scar, why do you think I said we should stop?"

"Because of my feelings for you." Scar said, hands tightening, eyes averted.

Grian's heart stopped completely. His mouth opened, and he stammered, "Your what?"

Scar finally looked at him. Grian covered his mouth with his hand, stunned.

"I thought..." Scar trailed off, uncomfortable. "You didn't know?"

"I don't know." Grian corrected. "What are your feelings for me?"

Scar chewed on his lip. He looked really tired, like he hadn't been sleeping. He took a bracing breath and drew his shoulders up tight. He said, "I assumed you ended things because you'd figured out I had broken the rules, that I love you, and it wasn't fair to keep kissing and stuff when I was far more invested in it than you."

"You..." Grian felt like his brain shut down. He shook his head, "You never said."

"You made it clear it wasn't what you wanted." Scar said, wryly. Swallowing with a bob of his throat, shame and fear. Grian remembered laying under the stars and making Scar promise not to fall in love with him.

"How long?"

"I was kind of exploiting a loophole. You said not to fall in love with you. I figured it didn't count if I had already fallen in love with you before we'd even started." Scar explained, honest. Painfully so.

Grian stared at him. Then he said, "I thought I'd messed up because I broke the rules too. I... I didn't think I had a chance. Or that I should like, inflict myself upon you. But I was worried that I was gonna give you Stockholm Syndrome or something, so I wanted to stop. I think I love you too and it scares the shit out of me."

"You... you do?"

There was something gut-wrenchingly vulnerable in Scar's expression. Open and hurting. Grian said, "I might've been too dense to realize it until now. Sorry."

Scar smiled. It made Grian breathless just to look at it. Scar reached his hands across the table and offered them to Grian.

He took them, and immediately Scar's thumb began to faithfully run circles on his skin. Scar said, "We've always been a couple of rule breakers, right?"

"Right." Grian said, throat dry, terrified. "Scar, it's... it's not a good idea."

"I think it's a great idea, actually." Scar's same coaxing, charming smile. "What could go wrong?"

Grian's mouth filled with a thousand worst case scenarios. He tried to communicate them with his gaze alone.

Scar raised one hand to cup Grian's face. He said, "Sure, sure. But we've gotten past the biggest hurdle. You like me, I like you, we've already got lots of practice kissing. I think we'll be okay."

Grian swallowed. He leaned a little into the palm on his cheek.

Scar's eyes softened, and he said, "You'll be okay. I'll make sure."

"I don't think I deserve that." Grian heard himself say.

"Who decides? I don't care about any of that. I care about you. Do you care about me?"

"Of course." Grian said, almost horrified. He cared about Scar so much, that was what was so terrifying.

"Then stop making things harder than they have to be."

"Have you met me?"

Scar laughed, and it was loud and melodic. He grinned and said, "You said you told Mumbo. What did he say?"

"He told me to stop being a spoon." Grian admitted.

"Then stop being a spoon." Scar teased. He was far more relaxed, leaning forward, like he'd already known he'd won.

It was the self-assured confidence that wore down Grian's walls. He wasn't even quite sure what he was worried about anymore. It wasn't as if they weren't already dating, just without the title. He said, nervous, "I don't know."

"Knowing is so overrated." Scar was closer now, leaning over the table, and waited expectantly.

"You're the worst." Grian told him.

"I know." Scar said, eyes crinkling, pleased like a cat in a sun-beam.

Grian couldn't take another second of it. He closed the distance and kissed him.

It should have been the same as every other kiss they had. It was completely different. Grian felt lightheaded and dizzy and grabbed Scar's collar to keep him there.

He felt Scar smile on his lips and lovingly stroked his cheek with his thumb, drinking in the kiss with leisure and care.

Grian gave up pretending this was going to be chaste and climbed over the table to sit on Scar's lap. Scar gave a delighted laugh and deepened the kiss.

They kissed until Grian physically needed to breathe and pulled away gasping, loosening his death grip on Scar's collar. His partner had a goofy, star-struck smile and was staring at Grian like he was ethereal.

"Yeah?" Scar said, nonsensically.

"Yeah." Grian agreed, because yeah.

Scar kissed the corner of his mouth, the line of his jaw, under his ear, at his pulse point. Grian panted, overwhelmed, nerves prickling at the attention, his neck feeling hot and he said, "Menace."

"Takes one to know one." Scar laughed.

Grian leaned down to capture his mouth again, this time nibbling insistently on his bottom lip, a little sharper than what would be considered polite. It did not help with Scar's laughter, which was unbearably contagious. Grian eventually had to stop making out because they were both giggling too hard.

"We're idiots." Grian told him, sat directly on his lap, hands on Scar's shoulders and both their lips hard-kissed cherry-red.

That dazed, pleased expression did not move from Scar's face. "A matching pair. Hey, want to come up with some other convoluted avoidance of feelings that results in a lot of kissing?"

"Only if you exploit the loopholes to get what you want." Grian said, fondly.

Scar grinned.

Grian's blood felt carbonated. He said, "Aren't you worried we're going to ruin our friendship?"

"If this is what ruining feels like," Scar said. "Ruin it."

Grian had no other possible reply other than to kiss him again, with everything he had.

[]

"I told you so." Mumbo said.

"Shut up."