Chapter Text
Admiral Janeway sighed tiredly as she and her assistant finished off the last of her messages for the holiday break.
"Delay sending those last two until after the 28th, I don't want to disturb anyone over Christmas."
Nira began to tidy away the console and PADDs. "Speaking of, what are your plans over the next week?"
"I'll be going to my mother's for dinner with the family on Christmas day, and then I'll probably stay there until the office reopens." Kathryn glanced pensively over at the photos on the windowsill of her three nieces and the Voyager children. The time of year really was most magical in the company of the little ones. She was very much looking forward to it, however exhausting those few days would be.
Nira narrowed her eyes, "and before then?"
Kathryn smiled indulgently, "Probably just hunkering down in my apartment with a good book for the next couple of days."
"What about that Ambassador you started seeing a few months ago? Will he be joining you?"
"Davish?"
Nira nodded.
"No. I think that's run its course."
"I'm sorry," Nira looked genuinely upset, "he seemed nice."
"He was," Kathryn shot her assistant a wicked grin, "that was part of the problem."
Nira rolled her eyes. "You know, you're always welcome to come to our place for dinner tomorrow. Targus is doing a practice run of a few holiday dishes before Monday. There will be more food than we can manage."
"That's kind of you," Kathryn was genuinely touched by the offer. "But I'm actually quite looking forward to the solitude. A glass of wine and a good book, maybe even a bubble bath."
"As long as you don't do any work."
She held up a scout's salute. "I promise."
They packed up the office and said their farewells, wishing each other a merry Christmas as they parted ways.
-
Kathryn lived in a penthouse suite a short walk from Starfleet headquarters. From the enormous window in her lounge, she could just about make out the Boothby gardens, the golden gate bridge and the entrance to the bay.
It had been five years since Voyager had returned from the Alpha Quadrant, and she was finally feeling settled. It had taken her a while to reset after seven years stranded, for the weight of guilt and responsibility to lift. But she was content with her life now. Satisfied by her work. Enjoying time with her family. Indulging in the occasional romance.
Despite this newfound contentment, that particular evening she couldn't get comfortable in her apartment. The sofa was too stiff. The lounge and windows were too big and exposed. The walls: too bare and cold. The coffee didn't taste quite right.
Kathryn remembered another place only a short ride from the city. A homely place, which was warm and cosy with soft cushions, and a fabulous coffee machine. She imagined sitting in front of the fireplace and warming her toes whilst she emptied the wine rack and peeled through an eclectic collection of an old friend's library.
Chakotay's old house lay up in the mountains. It had been largely unoccupied since his departure to command the USS Starling two years ago. Unoccupied but not abandoned. Many of the Voyager crew had been using it as a holiday retreat. He had put a reservation calendar on the group message board, and it had become quite popular.
Kathryn hadn’t visited since he’d left. She couldn't bring herself to go there without him. It had been two years and she still felt haunted by the ghosts which resided there. The ghosts which had followed them long after Voyager, which had ruined their enduring friendship.
She remembered her shock and sheer disbelief when the Admiral had told her of his marriage to Seven. It had evoked unwelcome feelings of hurt and regret. Feelings she had pushed aside while aboard Voyager. Suppressed and ignored. But knowing about the relationship changed everything after they’d returned to Earth. Eventually.
Their whirlwind romance had taken off at an unstoppable pace. She should have told him that his plan to get married was rushed and ill conceived. She should have stopped it before it went too far. But she'd felt frozen, trapped by what the Admiral had told her about his destiny with Seven.
Kathryn watched on as a bystander as the wedding plans had been made, and the date had come around. Quickly. Too quickly . And then they'd been married, and it was too late.
She hadn't been entirely truthful with Mira about Davish. It wasn't that he'd been too nice, but that it wasn't nearly enough. Nice involved surface level actions: holding open a door, a compliment, being treated with respect. She could complete a Cardassian negotiation based on niceties. What she needed from a partner was something much deeper, with more substance; an intrinsic connection.
Rejecting another suitor caused her to reflect on another man she had pushed away for different reasons. A kind man, with an open heart, devilish dimples and a warm smile. Someone who challenged her and gave unwavering support in the same breath. Who made her feel safe, but with whom it had never been more dangerous to release her heart.
The real problem was that nobody could compare to Chakotay.
She realised she missed him terribly, especially at this time of year. Their friendship and comradery. Joy and laughter. Stability and passion. Something which she rarely admitted to herself these days. Feelings which were rising to the surface in her solitude, reminiscent of the last days aboard Voyager.
Whilst lost in her musings, she’d found herself sitting at her console navigating towards the reservation portal. Surprised to find his house would be vacant over the weekend. She made a quick and spontaneous decision; if she couldn't have Chakotay's company this holiday season, maybe she could have the next best thing, and go somewhere to be surrounded by his presence.
It was time to face this final ghost.
****
Chakotay gazed down at the frosty fields and snow-covered mountains as the public transport shuttle drifted into the station. He waited for the artificial gravity to disengage before standing, and felt himself lift under Earth's slightly lower g-force. In space he rarely noticed the additional effort to walk and move, but returning to his people’s planet of origin always made his body feel lighter. If only the same could be said for his heart.
But he wasn't going to think about that this weekend, he’d decided.
The station master asked if he needed a personal transport.
"I'll be walking; my destination isn't that far from here."
The android gave him a curious look, and Chakotay absently noted how accurate the facial expressions were these days. "Are you sure? It's negative twelve degrees celsius. It won't take long to feel the cold."
Chakotay held up his regulation parka. "I came prepared," he explained.
"Very well. Enjoy your stay, Captain."
It wasn't quite true to say he lived close. It was a good hour's walk, but after a couple of years in space, it was a welcome change of pace. The fresh air would do him good, and the walk would exhaust his body; get him ready for a heavy sleep.
One consideration he hadn't given to walking that distance was how it would also free up his mind. His thoughts drifted as each foot fell in front of the other, and the regular crunch relaxed the usual mechanisms he used to keep unwanted memories and feelings at bay. It wasn't long until he found himself reflecting on his reasons for leaving this place in the first instance.
They had married quickly after their return to Earth. The counsellors had warned them against making any big or fast decisions, but marriage had been both of those.
It was a small ceremony, with a few family members and some of their crew. He should have known something was wrong when Kathryn had been so quiet during the reception, nursing another glass of wine with a faraway look in her eye. He should have heeded the warning. But he hadn't.
The marriage had lasted almost three years. It hadn't been all bad, but certainly not without its challenges. And if it hadn’t been for Kathryn’s intervention , he likely would have persevered indefinitely.
The counsellors had been right though. They should have taken their time. Maybe even talked about some fairly important things first. But they hadn't, and they had paid the price. However, it wasn't his wife he missed after it had all blown up. No. The worst thing was losing his friendship with Kathryn in the process.
-
The house was barely above freezing when he arrived. He'd never gotten around to installing a modern heating system, so there was no quick way to heat the rooms. Fortunately there were some logs left in the lounge, so he placed them in the hearth, and got a fire started in no time.
Whilst he waited for the flames to establish, he walked through the downstairs to take an inventory. The kitchen cupboards were sparse on food, but there was a decent collection of wine. The replicator was still working and happily produced a mug of camomile tea.
He held the mug gratefully in his hands and carried it back to the lounge. Sitting by the fire and taking long sips, allowing the heat from the liquid to seep into his body.
As he began to warm up, he mused on how this house had become a symbol for everything that had gone wrong.
He had intended for it to be a home, a refuge from the busy world outside, somewhere to settle and put down roots. But over time it had become a meeting point. Somewhere to eat, sleep and engage in marital relations.
Their lives became so busy; they were constantly coming and going. They would go weeks, even months at a time without seeing one another. And then when they were both there together, sometimes it felt like they were complete strangers.
He should have known he was in trouble from that look at the wedding. At the hand which had squeezed his a little too tightly after the ceremony. When Seven had retired early to bed, prompting many of the crew to follow her lead. When they'd found themselves alone on the decking of the old orangery, and Kathryn had told him she'd never felt so alone.
She had looked so utterly lost, so vulnerable, so desperate to feel anything different. And so he'd kissed her. Wanting her to know how loved she was by him. How utterly treasured.
If a kiss could heal, and forgive, and undo the damage they'd done to each other over the years, that was the kiss .
But it wasn't enough.
It had been Kathryn who had taken him by the hand and led him indoors. Desperately loving him in return and showing him in ways which he had once only dreamed. Their passion ran high, and unable to wait until the bedroom, they'd found their way to the billiards room instead. He'd lifted her onto the playing table, pushed aside the material of her dress and panties, and entered her in one swift motion.
On the night of his wedding, when he should have been upstairs, giving his wife the love and tenderness that she deserved. He found himself screwing his former captain senseless.
They hadn't even secured the door. Anyone could have walked in. He realised years later that had been intentional on her part. Part of the thrill. The fear. Anything to feel alive. And yes, for a few moments she had come alive for him. Her muscle walls clamping down hard on his cock as he spilled his load inside of her. Her body arching back in ecstasy.
But then it was over. The precious few moments gone, and seemingly lost. And the woman who looked back at him, was wrecked with inconsolable guilt and sorrow. Chakotay realised it had been a distraction. An escape. The woman he loved was far from healed.
He should have confronted her. Put an end to the destructive path they embarked on that night. But by the morning it was like those moments of weakness had never happened. Kathryn smiled and laughed with the crew, just like she always had. Their dangerous and frantic night seemingly forgotten.
Hindsight was a cruel master.
-
Finding himself yawning, he decided it was probably time to call it a night. He secured the front door, and ensured the fire safeties had been activated.
Ascending the staircase, he almost tripped over a stuffed toy on the third step. Miral! B'Elanna and Tom had been up with their daughter earlier in the season. Tom had once joked that toys were the biggest cause of death for parents. Chakotay didn't doubt it.
Regaining his balance, and his pulse, he reached the landing, placing the toy on the top of the bannister as he passed.
There were three rooms upstairs. One had been a shared study, the largest their master bedroom, and finally a guest room which also had a pullout sofa for visiting children.
Chakotay hesitated a moment before entering the master bedroom. Pull yourself together, he scolded, it's just a room .
The memories which came flooding back when he entered the space, were not the tender loving moments with his wife, though there had been those as well. Instead it was the guilt infused memories of Kathryn creeping into his bed as he lay there alone, surprising him with filacio and hard sex. The steely look in her eye in the morning, and withdrawal from him whenever he tried to talk about where they went from there.
He should have acknowledged the cracks in his marriage. He should have stopped Kathryn using sex as a substitute for conversation. But he'd been too weak, too desperate to have it all; too selfish. It turned out the Delta Quadrant had damaged him far more than he'd realised.
It was Kathryn who had eventually put an end to it. And oh what a train wreck that had become.
But no. He'd thought about Kathryn more than enough for one night.
He was so tired. Peeling back the covers, Chakotay sank onto the mattress. Despite his demons, sleep was a priority, and slowly, he found himself drifting off into a fragmented slumber.
****
The shuttle arrived almost as soon as she'd summoned it. Rank certainly had its privileges. Kathryn had barely had time to pack her bag, or second guess her plans, as she climbed aboard and let the autopilot take away.
The twilight lingered beautifully as the shuttle flew above the dark clouds. As it reached its destination and began its descent, the light faded, and the wind whipped against the hull. Through the windows she could just about make out the heavy snow falling. A snow storm. Typical.
Hopefully the house-keeper had left some logs, so she wouldn't have to freeze to death.
She had barely cleared the shuttle's landing space, when it lifted and took off. No doubt on its next scheduled passenger run. She just hoped that Chakotay hadn't changed the access codes.
The porch light came on as she approached the front door. She punched in the necessary codes and thankfully the door opened up.
"Lights," she called out, and when nothing happened cursed under her breath. Damn renovation project . Feeling around on the wall, she found a switch, and punched it.
The room lit up, and she carefully regained her bearings. A half filled bookcase. An empty display case. Familiar photos and artwork with odd gaps on the walls. It was just as she'd last seen it almost two years ago. The marriage had been over, but he'd kept the house and remained there alone.
For some reason Kathryn had thought it would be a good idea to visit the evening before he left for the USS Starling. She'd been wrong. He hadn't wanted to see her, he was furious in fact, preferring to be alone. Too angry at the way she had ended the marriage. Hurt at the misconception that she didn't love him enough to make a relationship work. But that couldn't have been further from the truth, she did love him, deeply . But her time in the Delta Quadrant had damaged her, made her feel unworthy to embrace that love.
She was so lost in thought, in dark memories, that the lingering warmth barely registered. The embers burning out in the fireplace and empty cup of tea went unnoticed. A familiar parka hanging up by the door was conveniently out of sight. The squeak of floorboards as an existing inhabitant came out to investigate her arrival went unnoticed by her.
"Kathryn?" His voice cut through the night like a beacon in a storm. "What are you doing here?"