Chapter Text
Aleksi was always happily surprised to receive a letter from his grandparents or the occasional postcard from their vacation spot of their choosing for the year (they were at an age Aleksi had lost all hope to set their phones up and to get them to text him instead of calling all the time) and he smiled as he read through it, being informed about his grandpa’s engagement in the community and teaching some local kids how to woodwork, and when learning about all the neighbours’ gossip, but a few minutes later when he reached the lines towards the end it fell again.
Exactly as it was written he found another piece of paper in the envelope, the font a different one, not the flowery one of his grandma, and the ink in deeper and lighter shades at some spots as if the writer had taken their time in drawing up the letter, thinking at length of what to write.
It was from his mum.
Aleksi kept the folded paper in his hands unsure of how to proceed. His grandma said his mum had reached out to them to get his contact info, but they had refused - thankfully, Aleksi didn’t need another unexpected call, or worse a surprise visit - and instead offered to forward a message. Which must be the letter he was holding.
He was alone at the flat at the moment, and he figured it was appropriately silent to read a letter from a person he didn’t know how to feel about. Providing him also with enough time afterwards to determine his feelings, after having read what she had to say.
On the couch, with Rilla instantly at his side, he started reading, slowly, as if he could deduce her speaking pattern and voice in which she would read the lines out loud, but it was his own he was hearing in his head, his mother’s long lost over all the years apart.
The letter included a phone number and an e-mail address along with the words she would like to talk with him, even meet him if that was possible, see her son again, but besides that not revealing anything more about herself. It was kept short, and Aleksi had quickly reached the end, reading over it once more to make sure he had gotten it right.
Roughly twenty years have passed and after everything his mother wanted to see him again? Why now? He had asked himself the same question back when she had found out his phone number but now it came back up again.
He didn’t know how many years his mother actually had been in prison for since people rarely had to sit out the full sentence, but she definitely had had many opportunities to get back into his life. And not contact him after he had his own life all set up.
The timing was lost on Aleksi, like he had randomly popped up in his mother’s mind “hey, hello, your son here, if you remember”, and she had spontaneously taken action thereafter.
As much as he was pondering about the letter, Aleksi couldn’t say what his most prominent feeling was. Confusion maybe. Mixed with a bit of dangerous hopefulness.
How often did his past self wish for any sign of his parents, for a chance to talk to them, for a chance to ask them why? Why do what they have done, or what he had done to deserve it, why the rest of him couldn’t be enough to forget about his soulmark, why he had to endure all that. Just why.
Periodically that wish was replaced by a burning hatred that swore to him to never let his parents get close to him ever again, but deep in his heart his parents had a small space just for them and no matter how much Aleksi was tormented by memories and the following rough period of his life, he couldn’t help the skip of his heart at the prospect to see one of his parents again.
And now the opportunity was right there.
A few mindless scratches behind Rilla’s ears had him effectively settled on an answer, looking determined at a picture of Joel and Joonas on one of the shelves. He was aware of what their opinion would be on the whole thing, but he also didn’t want to hide this from them.
Nevertheless he put the letter in his bag to not accidentally be found by either of them before he was ready to talk to them about this. Or rather lay on the table what he had decided on, whatever they would say it wouldn’t influence his decision.
He didn’t bring it up that evening, pretending as if nothing out of the ordinary had happened, but delivered the greetings of his grandparents (Joel was still wearing a proud smile whenever they were mentioned) and they talked about visiting them between Christmas and New Year’s Eve while they ate a quick dinner.
It had gotten complicated to plan for three families around one holiday, even more so with the lack of free days the band had to show for; they had already kept Aleksi’s birthday celebration in a small circle as it happened to fall on a weekday, but they would somehow juggle all family responsibilities.
But knowing that Aleksi couldn’t operate behind his boyfriends’ backs for long - or if it could be called that, after all it was Aleksi’s life and he considered it to be his freedom to make decisions that only concerned him without having to ask for permission or any additional voice on that case - he braced himself for the talk.
He didn’t plan on a specific day, but it happened to be on a free weekend they had, not much to do in the studio with Tommi and Olli once again called for emergency shifts to Joel’s dismay, and Niko immediately jumped on the opportunity to spend two whole days with his girlfriend. They also had opted to stay at home, just lounging on the couch.
A movie was playing on their TV, Rilla excitedly sitting in front of it and following the action as if she could understand the plot, and Aleksi was filming the scene to be able to rewatch the sweet moment in the future.
On top of the screen of his phone a notification popped up, informing him about a new mail, sender immediately recognizable to him by the name he had just recently saved to his contacts.
“No work today.” Joonas said with a hint of amusement who had seen the message appear, straightaway making the connection to Aleksi’s side job. And yeah, it wasn’t unusual for him to receive mails at all hours and days, but for once it was a different matter.
“What Joonas said.” Joel joined in, followed by a laugh, himself knowing he was in Aleksi’s position often enough, to be found at three in the morning working through business mails. He wasn’t sure how Joonas was putting up with them.
Aleksi rolled his eyes fondly at their remarks. It couldn’t be denied that he simultaneously developed a healthier work-ethic to not burn himself out while giving everything to the band. But with his boyfriends around at all times, he could be assured to be dragged away from his laptop if he overdid it.
But as the most recent mail had nothing to do with work he didn’t feel an ounce of that guilt that came up when he tried to lie his way out of the question why he was, again, up so late whilst trying to hide the progress he had been making on his laptop. Instead a different sense of guilt overcame him despite him not seeing any wrongdoing on his part. He had never outright lied, and not really hidden anything, just keeping back some new developments in his life?
Like writing his mum an e-mail for example.
It had taken him a while to come up with a text that neither felt too distant on his part and on the other hand not too warmly, but it had been hard to think of the right words for someone that was technically family but at the same time nowhere emotionally close enough to being called that.
He didn’t put any of his burning questions in it, would rather ask them personally, instead gave his mum a small opening to his life by proposing a short meeting with coffee during his lunch break one of these weeks, whenever she was available.
It provided him with an easy exit if things went downhill, having to go back to work, and the public spot would ensure that no intense feelings were displayed. He had thought about everything, how he could keep up at least a little barrier when meeting her. But he wanted to try, and it wouldn’t be wrong to listen to what she had to say, right?
“Who is Marjatta? New artist?” Joonas had watched the recording and Aleksi regretted not setting his notifications on silent for their couple time.
Stopping the video and pocketing his phone he got up from the couch and reached for his glass, asking, “Anyone want more to drink?” Suddenly he lost all confidence in the choices he had made.
“No…thanks.” Joel looked at him with caution in his eyes and Aleksi knew he had done something wrong.
Of course, it was his usual strategy to flee the room to avoid talking, and he had stepped right into his own trap by not answering Joonas and leaving. Shit.
“Alex? Is something wrong?”
Him stopping in his tracks like a deer in headlights as the realization came over him probably hadn’t helped and he gave up on putting the conversation further into the future. “No, I’m fine actually.”
“Then what’s going on?” Joonas asked with a soft voice, leaving all accusation out of it that frustration usually carried, and Aleksi wouldn’t fault him for losing all patience with him after the multiple times of him falling into the same old patterns.
Rilla had put up her ears in his direction as well, attention only partly on the movie as if she too was waiting for an answer from him. Giving a small sigh Aleksi gave in to the scary prospect of angering his boyfriends.
“It’s my mum. Marjatta.” He clarified.
“Why would you get a message from your mother?” Joel asked with furrowed brows while Joonas was putting the TV on silent.
“She uhm, she wrote me a letter through my grandparents, and she gave me the means to contact her because she wants to meet up with me. I didn’t want her to be able to reach my private phone though again so we wrote mails to each other, and we confirmed next Tuesday for our meetup.”
“No.”
“Joel-”
“No!” Joel interrupted Joonas before he actually got the chance to say something. “Aleksi this is- that’s crazy, you can’t meet her! She hurt you, what do you know she planned this time?”
Aleksi should have known that Joel wouldn’t take it lightly. But as much as everything in him was resisting to fight Joel’s opinion, he couldn’t let it drop this time like he normally did. “She has gotten her punishment for it, and I’m not a child anymore, I can look out for myself. If she’s treating me wrong in any way I will leave immediately, I won’t be seeing her for more than an hour anyways and it’s not like I’m giving her access to my flat. I’m not stupid Joel, we’re meeting in a café.”
Shaking his head vehemently Joel looked at him with a heated gaze. “I’m against it, that’s not a good idea. You won’t meet her.”
“It’s not your decision to make.” Aleksi reminded him as he evidently confused his role as a boyfriend with that of a parent of an underage kid. “She’s my mother, don’t you think I should be allowed to see my family?”
Joel scoffed. “Family? She stopped being that the moment she got someone to abuse you! Or have you forgotten that? Huh? You really need a reminder of all the pain she caused you, of the soulmark you don’t have? She has never gotten to see you crying over it, but I did, and I can’t believe-”
“Okay that’s enough Joel.” Joonas intervened, a hand in front of Joel’s chest who looked ready to get up and show Aleksi exactly where and what all his pain was centered around.
Contrary to Joel’s apparent belief Aleksi knew well enough what his mother had done, and he certainly didn’t need a reminder. But he couldn’t lie that he was hurt at the moment. Joel always had a sharp tongue, but it was never pointed in his direction and Joel should know well enough that the topic was to be breached gently and not thrown at his head at full speed. Aleksi would forgive him for that eventually, but right now he was disappointed in Joel’s unwillingness to see it from his point of view, resistant to his own feelings.
“It’s obviously Aleksi’s decision to make here.” Joonas continued and Aleksi thanked him quietly. “We just want to know you safe so please call us if you need to, okay? But if you want this, we ” - Joonas gave Joel a pointed look and Aleksi was assured Joonas would have a talk with him later when they had time for themselves - “will support you in this. I can’t say I’m not worried but if you want to give her a chance then do it.”
Aleksi gave a small nod. Settling by Joonas’ side, not ignorant to Joel’s wounded expression regarding his sitting choice, Aleksi let himself be hugged. “I hope it goes well, you deserve it.”
He would have deserved a normal childhood as well, Aleksi thought, however he couldn’t accuse his grandparents of not doing their best. But he had one last chance to give away and if that would give him his mother back then it was worth it.
They proceeded to watch the movie, with Joel silent and biting his nails, and Aleksi cuddling into Joonas’ side, thinking of what could happen on Tuesday, making up scenarios and working up a fear that Joel could be right and it would go terrible. Or for once his hopeful side could win over and everything would be alright. Either way it would give him the ultimate closure for that chapter.
Joel had apologized already by the next day, cuddling up to him in bed in the morning when Joonas was in the kitchen, voicing his worry and then apologizing for what it had made him say, but not taking back his initial statement. He still thought it was a bad idea, but he would support him in every way needed, and Aleksi turned to kiss him, accepting everything Joel had said, not keen on prolonging the argument related distance between them.
Aleksi could understand him in a way, maybe he was a little crazy for doing this, but he had to know, and the answers he had been searching for for years were right there, just one small gap away from the tips of his fingers, and Aleksi couldn’t let this moment pass him.
-
On Monday he jumped right back into work even when the others were still half-asleep watching the coffee swirl around in their cups, but Aleksi needed the distraction otherwise he was sure he really would go a little crazy. Too many thoughts were occupying his mind and if he didn’t push them aside with work then he would explode.
Lunch and dinner were the only times he let himself be dragged away but at least he had a great excuse for his intense working that day. They were planning for a tour the following year and now that Aleksi was part of this band, he wanted for everything to go perfect, proving that he was worth being here and that he could play his part perfectly, fitting into the whole dynamic that had already been established for years.
The others would say he had already demonstrated his efficiency and value that summer when they had played their first festivals together, introducing Aleksi to their fanbase, testing the waters on how to change their stage performance. And he could admit to himself that everything went smoothly, but he wouldn’t sleep on his achievements and slow down, he had to be on top of his game still.
Particularly one thing was giving him stomach aches when it came to his performance overall. While the band had announced his addition to the band officially the week following his agreement, Joel and Joonas didn’t yet make Aleksi being the third part of their relationship public knowledge. And it wasn’t on them, they would have loved to show him off, but Aleksi hadn’t been ready whenever they had asked until they had stopped doing so, seeing as the question came with the same answer every time.
He wanted to present himself from his best sides so fans wouldn’t have anything negative to say about him when they found out about the relationship. He knew Joel and Joonas weren’t ashamed of him, but for Aleksi it was still complicated, and he knew whatever the fans would say, it would eat at him and he had only recently learned what self-acceptance was.
Furthermore, with the announcement would come a wave of questions. Not just from fans which they could easily ignore, but also interviewers from all possible sources and those were harder to leave unanswered.
People loved to stick their noses into other people’s business and as integrated as soulmates were into the society, as normal as moving in together or getting a pet, every story about love was a top seller and Aleksi could already see himself on the front of magazines that gossiped about his past, wherever they had their news from.
When he had still been a DJ, he had managed to effortlessly dodge the questions as there simply wasn’t anything to tell with no relationship, and he had been young enough that digging too deep in that regard would have come off as creepy so there had been nothing to fear. But now things have obviously changed.
Aleksi was everything but ready yet to talk about this so openly with just everyone. It had taken him a lot to open up to Joel and Joonas, and then the band, and eventually Johnny. But those were all people he knew and trusted, it would be so much harder to give his life’s history to just about everyone.
And currently he couldn’t see himself doing it. But nonetheless he had jumped right into the deep waters of operating on all energy sources all around the clock so when it came to it nobody could say he didn’t try, or he wasn’t worth it to be here with all his flaws dragging them down.
Whatever Joel and Joonas were saying Aleksi was holding tight on the belief that it was the biggest blemish on him, and he was more than positive that he wouldn’t be the only one thinking that way.
Seemed as if working on superspeed still wasn’t sufficient to keep his attention on the task completely when his mind took him there again, and Aleksi dared to sigh a little bit, silent enough to not have his boyfriends on him who could be like bloodhounds when they sniffed his mind slipping off to the pitch-black darkness.
But he wasn’t interrupted, and he picked up his posture, rolling his neck and pushing everything aside except for the song he was working on, not minding the stiffness creeping into his shoulders as another hour passed by where he did nothing else but listen to different versions of a line they had recorded earlier with Niko.
At least in the evening he had some free hours, but even those he filled with activity. Better not to let any mental pains sweep in when he was caught in a moment of uneasy pre-excitement before sleeping.
And it was still too early to go to bed, at any rate for their group of nocturnal creatures, nevertheless he made himself comfortable on the big bed with his laptop next to him. Not for work though for once, instead Olli filled his screen who was steadily riding his home bike while catching him up with his newest relationship crisis.
Not crisis crisis as in Tommi and Olli could potentially break up, very much the opposite, and it was very amusing for Aleksi to watch his friend carrying out one of his favourite sport activities while telling him how he was slowly losing his mind over marriage proposals.
“I don’t know how to give him a hint without him realizing the second what I’m up to.” Olli lamented in between laboured breathing. “You have to be straightforward with him, but I can hardly go up to him and say ‘I want you to propose to me’ because where is the romance in that? I want him to want it and not do it because I am desperate for a ring on my finger.”
It wasn’t the first time Olli had mentioned this problem to him and by now Aleksi could only laugh about Olli’s misery. He was making such a huge deal out of this, and okay sure, marriage was a pretty big thing, but for Aleksi it was incomprehensible why Olli couldn’t just turn the deal around.
“But the season would be perfect for it. You could do it all romantically for Christmas, put yourself under the Christmas tree.” Aleksi joked. “Or New Year’s Eve with the fireworks in the background, I’m sure Tommi would appreciate the gesture.”
“No…that’s so cliché. I don’t even know why I want him to do it. But I just always dreamed of it being that way? I can’t explain it.” Olli said for the umpteenth time. “I don’t know what to do.” He moaned while upholding his leg work and the picture was too funny for Aleksi who again laughed about his friend’s predicament.
On a more serious note he asked, “But you’ve talked about it already, right? Tommi knows that it’s something you both want for your future?”
“Sure. It came up when we’ve talked about moving in and other possibilities about our general future because it would give us tax benefits and that would help us immensely when being part self-employed. Which… I don’t understand why it’s still so complicated to get these bonuses. Why can’t they give it to us as soon as we’ve found each other and have a job that requires paying taxes? We’re obviously soulmates, are in a relationship together and live together, and we have our own income. Why do we have to marry on top of that? Not a problem for me but many people don’t want to marry, so they wouldn’t get anything. Anyways, now I’m not even sure if Tommi only thought of it for financial reasons, you know how pragmatic he can be.”
“He wouldn’t just marry you for the money.” Aleksi said honestly.
As much as Tommi was a person who did things for practical reasons more than just because he felt like it, he couldn’t see him marrying Olli for the purpose of money only. They were obviously in love with each other, have been together for a long time, and he couldn’t see their relationship coming to a standstill just yet.
Which inevitably made Aleksi think of his own future. In the year he had been with Joonas and Joel, marriage hadn’t come up once, he didn’t know what their opinion was on it, he didn’t even know his own. It was never something he had allowed himself to think about because why would he if he wasn’t ever to get it anyways?
After he had finally accepted that Joonas and Joel wanted him for real, Aleksi hadn’t thought any further. Moving in was the next thing on the table but Aleksi hadn’t really shown any concern for it yet, it was…difficult. And a wedding was so much more than just sharing a flat, Aleksi was beginning to feel overwhelmed just thinking about it.
But while his own relationship could still be a reason for anxious thoughts that Aleksi knew were pointless, he was elated about Olli’s plans. Or rather, ideas for Tommi’s plans which the man apparently knew not much about yet.
“Yeah well…” Olli laughed. “Nothing much to get anyways when being a musician slash nurse, not exactly the jobs to make a huge sum of money.”
“You know what I mean. Marriage offers more than just tax write-offs and I’m sure that Tommi would see that too.”
“Yeah, yeah.” His pedalling came to a halt and Olli huffed out a breath. His face was resting in his hands, elbows on the handle, posture showing defeat. A picture of pure surrendering. “I don’t know what to do anymore.” He moaned again and Aleksi tried to suppress a snort to not make Olli feel like he was being made fun of.
But this drama was getting ridiculous, and Aleksi wished that Olli would just talk with Tommi. Somebody had to make the first move and Tommi didn’t look like he would soon, and Olli’s pining in Aleksi’s presence wouldn’t achieve any results. He was the wrong person for this, Olli had to go to his boyfriend, but Aleksi had no idea how to convince him.
The need to give an adequate and helpful answer was taken from him when Olli looked at his wrist and said, “Okay Tommi should be home in a few, I’m going to heat up dinner.”
In the mood for a bit more teasing Aleksi said, “Don’t blow up the microwave again.”
“That was one time!” Olli cried out and buried his face in his hands again but this time with a loud laugh coming from behind his fingers.
“Joonas told me otherwise.” Finally he could put use to getting his information straight from the source and firsthand witness that had thankfully survived the accident.
Both of them still laughing, Aleksi was startled by a body joining him in bed and he giggled even more upon seeing Joonas’ confused face resulting from Aleksi’s behaviour.
“What is my favourite star doing?” He asked, equally bemused now, lying down on one half of Aleksi and giving him a kiss to the cheek.
Aleksi turned his laptop so Joonas could see the screen and Olli who waved at him, face as red again as when he was working out. Joonas greeted him back, but Olli wanted to go anyway so Aleksi ended the call, giving his full attention to Joonas who was smiling down on him.
“What were you guys up to, hm?” Joonas nuzzled into Aleksi’s neck as he asked and he squirmed, ticklish from the nose running over his skin.
Shoving Joonas a good distance away so he could speak, Aleksi told him about Olli’s trouble.
“He needs to talk with Tommi.” Joonas said after the quick run-down.
“That’s what I said!”
“Or… we could help him out a bit and-”
“No, no mingling, Olli told me not to. He would be mad if Tommi found out this way.”
“But if he takes his own way, which is basically doing nothing, they will never get married.” Joonas expressed his disappointment about not being allowed to execute one of his marvellous Porko-plans.
“Who is getting married?” Another voice asked from the door, making them both look up.
“Not Olli and Tommi.” Joonas answered for Aleksi who had taken to hugging Joonas completely with his arms wrapped around him and pulling him entirely on him, and hidden his face in his neck, eyes closed and enjoying the weight on him.
“Huh.” Was the only thing Joel replied, evidently not understanding the connection.
Not discouraged by the random turn of conversation Joel took a free spot on the bed, propped up on his side and watched them with a fond smile. “Any more plans for today?” He asked. “I’m finished so we can do something together.”
“Together you say?” Joonas said and Aleksi could see a special smile on his face as he bridged the bit of space to give Joel a kiss. It was obviously heated, and Aleksi’s own smile changed into bitten lips as he watched them.
Joel’s soft noises didn’t leave him unbothered, and Aleksi palmed Joonas’ sides to get his attention, taking his chance to kiss Joel once Joonas had let up from him.
“I’ve got an idea.” Joonas murmured at last an answer to Joel’s question, busying himself with kissing down Aleksi’s exposed neck.
The first good plan this evening, Aleksi thought, who definitely had no objections. His two boyfriends would keep him occupied enough to make him switch off his mind, and he gave in to Joel’s deliberate touch under his shirt.