Work Text:
Baby…
Baby…
With the purest smile…
It’s time to wake up…
The sun has been up for a while…
Jeongguk’s eyes flutter open when the amber glow of sunlight falls through the shades of his window to greet him. Without even looking at the clock, he can tell he’s slept in a bit too late. The spot beside him is long gone cold where a warm body used to lay—and for a moment, his heart flutters with a tangible pang of anxiety. It’s always there. It’s the first thing he notices when Namjoon is not present in their flat. His flat, really. Jeongguk stays in his flat—but has a place of his own that he can retreat to when life becomes a bit too much. Sort of like today—when his breath seems a little more labored and his thoughts are a little more erratic than they usually are. Namjoon doesn’t know.
He only sees smooth, flawless skin when he wakes up early in the morning—before the sun hits the horizon line. It takes so much energy and effort for him to want to leave Jeongguk and the safety of their bed every morning. But music calls to him as a siren to a captain at sea. He must nurture it as much as he tries to nurture the love he has for the beautiful human that lays in his bed every night. Jeongguk understands. He does. He knew what he was getting into when Namjoon first approached him.
This life won’t be easy…
There are sacrifices we will both have to make…
But it’s worth it if it’s you…
The words echo in Jeongguk’s mind rather loudly most days. But today—the confident voice that usually resides in his head is quiet. There is something unsettling—right in the pit of his stomach that he just can’t seem to shake. No matter how many times he tries to turn away from the sun and get another few minutes of rest—Jeongguk just can’t settle. There’s no note left behind—no text good morning to reassure Jeongguk that everything is going to be okay. The rational part of his brain is trying to tell him that Namjoon is just a busy guy. Music is his mistress and will always be the main priority in his life. Jeongguk should be grateful that he gets even a semblance of his time. He is grateful. To exist within the whirlwind that is Namjoon. To watch a man answer the calling of a passionate endeavor from the sidelines is a beautiful thing.
No…Namjoon isn’t the problem …Jeongguk thinks as he leaves the bed and pulls banana milk from the fridge.
It’s me …he rationalizes after the first sip.
Jeongguk is a simple art student at the national university. Losing his mind between each brush stroke or pencil marking. He has a passion too—to see the beauty in the smallest details and capture it on canvas. To create an eternity for it. Because beauty can be fleeting—much like love. Jeongguk wonders for the briefest of moments whether or not what they have is real. Or is it something that is too good to be true and will fail in the end? He knows what he feels. Namjoon holds the moon and stars within his solar system. He lights up the darkest parts of Jeongguk’s life and brings a warmth and comfort that is irreplaceable.
But what does Namjoon feel?
Jeongguk knows that Namjoon loves quietly and poetically. Much like the lyrics to each of his songs. A litany of stories about each stage of his life. But Jeongguk is wondering now—where does he fit into Namjoon’s life story? He tries to shake the thoughts from his head—get back to his morning routine before class. A run around their private neighborhood and a shower before breakfast. All the while, his brain tries to come up with excuses for why Namjoon couldn’t possibly love him.
It’s a disease of the brain—poisoning the mind with each hour that passes without hearing from Namjoon. It must be a busy day… right? It’s the only rational thought that comes to mind as Jungkook slips on a hoodie and leaves the flat.
Where are all these thoughts coming from today? Jeongguk wonders as an uber driver takes him through busy streets on the way to his campus.
Across the city—Namjoon paces his studio with a crease in his brow. Jeongguk hasn’t texted me good morning… He pauses in his pacing. He figures there must be something wrong. If there is—usually Jeongguk talks with him about it immediately. Today is different though—and he wishes more and more that he hadn’t left the safety of their bed—the safety of his arms where everything felt so sure. Jeongguk has been under a lot of stress lately, with the pressure of exams coming up and a final canvas due before the semester ends. Namjoon completely understands. He’s been there—not with art—but with college classes and having to juggle his career too. He’s fully supportive of whatever interests Jeongguk seems to have.
Lately—it seems Jeongguk is pulling away and Namjoon can’t seem to figure out why. Is it something he did? Something he said that has Jeongguk so distant like this? He shakes his head and grits his teeth while staring down at the computer monitor over his production station. How is he supposed to get any work done when all thoughts run back to Jeongguk? Maybe they should sit down and talk about it. Namjoon isn’t above hearing him out. There could be some underlying problem that he has easily missed because work is so busy lately.
They just need to talk about it…
“Did you hear the rumor?” Ae Cha asks Jeongguk as he tries to focus on the canvas in front of him. No more than a few blue brush strokes have touched its surface. His brush halts as she continues to speak.
“RM has a lover. Can you believe that?” She claps her hands together, further jarring his concentration. Of course, he knows—but he doesn’t like to entertain her with the local gossip.
“So? He’s an adult.” He says simply.
“I bet you she’s ugly—or worse—jobless. And that’s why we’ve never seen her.” Ae Cha sneers.
Jeongguk wants to laugh—wants to make light of the situation. But it would mean revealing that he is in fact the one with Namjoon currently. Jeongguk doesn’t know if it’s something Namjoon wants out in the open though. It could make life more difficult than it already is. Worse, Namjoon might react in a way that is unbecoming of society’s image of idols and producers. Jeongguk doesn’t want to tarnish Namjoon’s image.
“How do you know it’s a woman? What if it’s a man?” Jeongguk slips the brush back against the canvas in a circular motion.
“With his lyrics?! I doubt that sincerely.” Ae Cha laughs.
“Would it be so wrong if he were dating a man, though?” Jeongguk whispers more to himself and the canvas. Lips appear in a sad smile on a blank face.
“Well…no. I suppose not—He just doesn’t seem like the type.”
“You have no idea what his type is, Ae Cha.” Jeongguk puts his brush down and leaves his seat—leaves the room and finds a fountain for water. That sickly feeling in Jeongguk’s stomach is getting stronger the more he thinks about Namjoon. He still hasn’t heard from him and the day is nearly over. The sun can be seen setting through the atrium windows of his department.
Is it me?...
Am I holding him back…because of who I am?
“Bun…what’s going on?” Namjoon asks when they sit down for dinner later that night.
“With what?” Jeongguk sighs between each bite of rice and kimchi.
“You’ve been unusually quiet. I haven’t heard from you at all today…”
“Yeah? Well, I haven’t heard from you either.” Jeongguk couldn’t be more to the point. Namjoon couldn’t agree more. It certainly takes two to communicate and he knows that he was busy today. He knows that during his brief pacing in his studio, he could have sent a message. So why didn’t he?
“This is true…but I didn’t message you because I have a lot going on at the studio. We are getting ready to release an album, Kook-ah.” Namjoon rationalizes.
“Which is why I didn’t bother. I get it…” Jeongguk says as he stirs rice around his bowl.
“That’s not all that’s bothering you, is it?”
Jeongguk looks up from his bowl to see Namjoon staring back at him. There’s sincerity and understanding within the depths of his eyes. Jeongguk feels childish—like he’s let this misunderstanding blow way out of proportion. But his feelings are still valid. Defining what they are is still difficult. He knows if he doesn’t say something, though, Namjoon will continue to misunderstand and that’s not what he wants. Never what he wants. His bottom lip quivers and he tries to gnaw on it to get it to stop. Namjoon reaches across the table and clasps Jeongguk’s free hand into his own.
“You know I’m here, bun. We can talk about anything. No matter what it is.” Namjoon reassures him with a stroke of his thumb along his knuckles.
“It’s just…”
Namjoon takes Jeongguk’s hand and presses a kiss to his knuckles while he waits.
“Am I enough? Am I someone to be proud to have around?”
“Bun…you are my moon and stars. What makes you think otherwise?” Namjoon’s eyebrows furrow in concern.
“I…woke up feeling miserable. Like something between us is wrong. And my friend–”
“Which friend?”
“Ae Cha…she said that you have a lover and it couldn’t possibly be a man because you don’t seem to be the type.”
“Do you realize—”
“I’m not finished, Namjoon-ah. You don’t seem the type because no one knows that we are dating. You don’t show me off like other idols sometimes do. Are you…ashamed?”
“God no. Absolutely not!” Namjoon laughs a little, “We agreed from the beginning that we would keep our private life private, sweet bun. It was for your safety. You know how some fans can get.”
“I literally don’t care about that right now. What I care about is whether I’m enough to fit in your shadow. I will forever support you in your lifelong dreams, Joon. You will never catch me slipping on that. But what can I even contribute?”
“You know…music is love. But so is art. Art stimulates the muse for my music. Without art—I find it hard to write poetry or create bars that move the audience. And you…Jeonggukie…are my muse—a beautiful work of art that I long to look at until time ends. You breathe life into me when everything seems stagnant. Don’t you see? You mean more to me than my music. Because that comes with time. But you…you are everything that I could ever ask for.” Namjoon breathes against Jeongguk’s knuckles.
“I love you…” He whispers.
Jeongguk’s heart swells with pride, “I love you too, Namjoon.”
And if Namjoon decides to take a selfie of them in bed the next morning and post it to his public Instagram—Jeongguk only laughs nervously. It’s a PR disaster, but Namjoon has wanted to be public and happy for so long. It doesn’t matter what anyone else thinks. As long as he has his bun by his side through all of it. Jeongguk knows that he can battle through anything. And the look on Ae Cha’s face when he arrives for class late in the afternoon is simply priceless.