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“Red”
It had been going so well, his lover stretched out on pristine black sheets, beads of sweat dotting his brow as he arched up into the vibrator that pressed against his naked form. Prapai could have remained for hours watching, seeing orgasm after orgasm being ripped out of Sky’s trembling form.
He must be the luckiest man on earth, to have someone as beautiful as his Sky wanting to remain in his bed every night. It made him want to kneel at his feet and worship every inch of his perfect skin until the sun cast its golden rays across Sky’s flesh.
What had he done wrong? How could he have done something so wrong that Sky felt the need to safeword out of a scene? Prapai had thought he was enjoying it, but it had all come crashing down in an instant.
Instantly the ropes were removed with Pai having to ignore how stunning the red indented marks that remained. He would have to focus on those marks at a later moment in time. Right now his entire focus had shifted. Taking away the vibrator and kneeling next to Sky who had that old familiar look in his eyes.
Everything plummeted, and Prapai felt his stomach sink.
He had not seen that expression in many months. It had been so long since Sky had experienced a flashback. He noticed his own hands trembling and forced them to still. This was not the time to freak out, now was the time to make sure Sky was brought safely out of whatever trigger had caused this.
“Sky, baby”
The pain in his voice was evident, even to him and he wanted to flinch away. He needed to be strong, he couldn’t sound so weak. Not when Sky needed him.
So, he did what he had always done when Sky needed him. Pai surrounded him, enveloping him in a gentle heat that didn’t cage but simply held. Taking in a deep breath, he began to softly speak.
“Come back Sky, you’re safe, they’re not going to hurt you anymore.”
It normally worked, it should have worked. Pai had talked to Sky about this in great detail, taking the time to note down what would work and what didn’t when bringing Sky out of that place he sometimes slipped into.
Gentle hands cupped Sky’s cheeked and slowly forced those blank eyes to focus on Pai’s face. Showing him that it was his boyfriend and not his abusive ex. He kept his face still, not allowing any smile to creep through.
Sky had always whispered about the gleeful smirk that would coat Gun’s face whenever he hurt him.
“Sky, it's me, it’s P’Pai.” He forced the shakiness out of his voice, focusing only on trying to bring life back into those eyes.
“You’re okay, no one is going to hurt you.” Except, someone already has
“Sky, Sky, you’re safe, please.” Except he had already hurt him, he wasn't safe.
Slowly the dark thoughts twisted around him, he could feel them gripping his soul and freezing it over. His vision went blurry and Pai didn’t know if it was panic or sadness that caused tears to trickle down his cheeks.
Sky slowly blinked up at him, taking in the sight of Pai, a slight spark of life flooding his face with color. A wash of relief flushed Pai’s body but he didn’t stop whispering to his boyfriend.
“Look at me Sky,” If you can suffer to see my face
“You’re safe, you can cry” You shouldn’t trust me anymore
“You’re not gonna get hurt” I’ve already hurt you
Life slowly fluttered back into Sky’s eyes, and Pai felt everything good in him die as he watched the single tear trickle down his boyfriend’s cheek. How could he have hurt Sky so much that the boy left the need to cry? Sky never cried.
His hand was shaking when he reached forward to smear the wetness away. Watching the familiar pained smile began to shine across Sky’s face.
“It’s you?”
Finally, Sky spoke, but his tone was far away from the normal confident voice that he normally spoke in. In its place was a shaking, vulnerable boy who had been trapped in the past for a little too long.
“Yes, Sky, it’s me. It’s your P’Pai” The Dom forced himself to sound confident, to blink away the tears in his own eyes. He didn’t deserve to cry, not until he had made sure Sky was safe.
Sky nodded, reaching out with hands that matches the shaking in Pai’s body. He poked at Pai’s cheek as if he couldn’t believe what was real without first touching it.
The other let him, feeling how hot and almost fevered Sky’s hands felt and the pain twisted in his gut. It boiled low, a simmering pain that knotted his stomach and made it hard to breathe. But he still forced himself to smoothly gulp down oxygen and waited for Sky to finish poking and exploring his face.
Sky was still smiling, but it was half crazed and his lower lip was still quivering. He was still naked, sweat dripping down and drying in stains on the sheets. His cock was still throbbing red and almost purple from the vibrator and Pai slowly reached for the blanket to wrap around his boy.
It was accepted and the smile slowly melted into something less distraught. Pai could not help but fuss with the corners and how it bunched around Sky’s shoulders. He wanted to, no, he needed to make sure everything was perfect so that Sky could recover.
“You’re safe,” He whispered, but it felt like he was talking to himself. The fog in his brain made it hard to focus and he had to think in order to understand that Sky was reaching out for a hug. It took too long for him to wrap his arms around the blanket-clad Sky. He was taking too long, why was he moving so slowly? Why did everything feel like boiling hot lava icing against his skin?
His hands moved on automation, carding his fingers through Sky’s slightly tangled roots. Patting them down until the slick black hair rested flat. His other arm wrapped around the boy’s waist, drawing him in as close as he dared. Feeling Sky’s still too shallow breaths and consciously slowly his own to allow Sky to pace with him.
Sky. His perfect, perfect Sky. Gently Pai pressed his lips to Sky’s cheek, smiling in what he hoped was a convincing enough gesture. His body was almost shaking now, he had to lock his muscles in order for it to stop. It was easy to hide his face in Sky’s neck and press his lips there instead. Letting the gentle scent of Sky float around him in a blanket that almost warmed his shivering body.
He smelt like home and safety, warmth and love that Pai did not deserve. Crisp mountain air that brought life into his lungs and smoky gunpowder that exploded into his very heart and soul.
The fragile scent of sweat and sex stained his skin and made Pai want to lick it off. To bathe every inch of Sky’s body with his tongue and to kiss away the resadude with his lips. He was addicted and he knew it. Without Sky, his life would be meaningless
“It’s just me Sky, you’re safe and I am here.”
He muttered the words meaninglessly into Sky’s neck and Sky slowly wrapped his own arms around Pai. Surrounding him and causing tears to burn in his tightly closed eyes. It worked and Pai thanked whoever was looking after them that the flashback did not extend into the night.
Too often he had held down Sky’s thrashing body, hearing the screams tear through his lover. The begging and wailing pleas for it to all stop haunted Pai’s own dreams now, along with the blood and ripped-apart flesh of the men who did such vile things to his lover.
They were all dead now, his relations had taken care of it. At a price, but it was one that Pai would pay doubly. If it meant Sky would walk the streets without looking over his shoulder, then so be it.
Gently he lowered Sky’s body down, so he was once again stretched out on the bed. Letting the sheets float gently around him. He smiled softly, watching as Sky’s eyes fluttered open and closed. He was clearly exhausted and Pai felt that own exhaustion deep within his bones. But he didn’t deserve to listen to that pain.
“I’m going to get a wet cloth Sky, I need to wash you down.”
Sky didn’t verbally respond but instead, slowly let go of his hug and allowed Pai to step away. Pai instantly missed his warmth, wrapping his own arms around him as he padded into the bathroom. For a moment he stood in front of the mirror and stared at himself. Wondering who gave him the right to even be with Sky. He didn’t allow himself to cry, instead pinching his fingernails hard into his wrist for a moment.
Why would he think to cry when Sky was the one suffering? Pai was fine. He was the Dom and he had to focus on his sub. His own health came second, right?
The water was boiling hot when he passed the cloth under it. Pai had to fight against the urge to rip his hand away. Instead, he held it there for a few seconds too long, embracing the fact he was in pain so that maybe he could understand better what Sky was feeling.
Moving back into the bedroom, Sky was watching the bathroom doorway through half-lowered lids and Pai smiled at him. It was funny how his stomach fluttered whenever he caught Sky’s gaze. It made him squirm in a good way.
Expect today Pai just wanted to sink to the floor and beg for forgiveness. To crawl and grovel at Sky’s perfect feet and kiss up his legs and worship his entire body. To earn back his love and make Sky happen again.
He did none of those things. Instead, he drew the blanket down and began to wash Sky’s body free of any sweat or cum streaks that may have dried there. Wordlessly, he moved the cloth, letting the warmth from it soak into Sky’s body.
Watching Sky slowly relax made something loosen inside him, just a little, just for a moment. He was able to smile and actually mean it when Sky huffed out, complaining when the cloth pressed against his ticklish sides. He pressed just a little bit longer until Sky’s hands swatted out and his pouting eyes glared up with false anger.
It almost felt right, like everything was alright and they were just cleaning up after a successful scene. Ready to nestle into each other's embrace.
Instead, everything was wrong and he had hurt Sky.
He moved the cloth and slowly finished, watching as Sky’s breathing evened out. Falling into a deep slumber where no nightmares could touch him. Pai wouldn’t be able to hurt him there.
Pai withdrew, almost stumbling over his feet as he walked into the bathroom. Throwing the cloth into the sink only made him feel even worse than he already was. The slight surge of anger was completely unjustified and wrong. He gripped the counter, trying to calm his breathing but nothing worked.
Everything was spinning and he couldn’t think. All he could remember was the way Sky’s moans turned into screams of fear and pain. The way it had taken him five seconds instead of the one needed in order to rip the vibrator away and untie him.
He had done everything wrong and nothing right.
He was worthless
Worthless
Worthless
The cold of the tiles felt soothing to his skin, pressing up in a freezing embrace as he shivered. When had he started to shake? When had he ended up on the floor? Prapai was unsure and he couldn't bring himself to care. He just was so cold, it felt good and wrong in the same breath.
But still, he was losing body temperature and he wrapped his arms around his own frame. Desperately wishing that he could be holding his Sky, pressing his own form up against the others and peppering little kisses to the freckles that dotted Sky's cheeks.
He didn't deserve it, and he never would again, he had hurt Sky.
The crease in his forehead stood out when he shakily knelt up, staring at the floor-length mirror. He looked like a wreck, with tousled hair and a mostly naked body. Red lines had already appeared on his flesh from where his nails had dug in and Pai didn't remember causing them.
Tears flowed down his cheeks and he tasted mucus at the back of his throat from the sniffling that permeated the air. He shouldn't need to cry, it was selfish. Pai had been the one to hurt Sky, not the other way around. So why was he feeling so sorry for himself, it only made it worse. He was only making it worse.
Thank the deities that Sky was asleep right now, resting in a safe space away from the man who hurt him. If he saw how Prapai was reacting, he might just walk out the door and leave. It would be the safer thing to do, who knew if Pai would just hurt him again?
Agony rippled through Pai's body and he wondered for a moment if he was just going to die. Even his knees gave out on him and he ended up collapsing back down onto the floor. He tugged his knees up to his chin and blinked at the tiles that blurred before his vision.
He had broken the one promise that he had sworn never to break. Sky had called red in a scene, he had a flashback and he had been hurt. Pai should have known better, he should have known to never trust himself like that.
Dominate? Prapai? It was a laughable notion and Pai's chest ached with the giggling sobs that echoed softly in the room. He couldn't be too loud, he didn't want to wake up the sleeping man in the room next to him.
He had walked into this relationship with too much attitude and confidence, and look where he had ended up. Pai knew nothing about relationships or even BDSM. It took Sky sitting down and explaining before Pai understood what subspace was even about.
What had given him the right to think he would be a decent Dom to anyone, let alone Sky who was so perfect?
Pain blossomed through his side where crescent-shaped red marks dripped blood on the tiles. It felt good because he deserved to feel some of the pain that he had made Sky go through.
"Sky"
He whispered, a prayer of loss and disgust. Shutting his eyes against everything but his own wallowing sorrow in the face of such a mistake. He would leave Sky, he would make sure that his boyfriend would never see his face again. That way he would never be hurt again and Pai could take that. If not seeing Sky meant that Sky would be safe, that Pai would never look in those brown eyes ever again.
Soon the lines in his skin were not enough, bleary eyes blinking down at the blood that now trickles out of the crescent moons.
It wasn’t enough
His hand closed into a fist and thudded once into his chest. Hitting hard and making his heart hurt, adding to the cracks that threatened to shatter. It hurt, but it wasn’t enough.
Again and again
Pounding into his flesh
Starting at his heart and soon spreading to thump against any part of his skin that his fist could reach.
He deserved worse
He needed worse
Sky had been hurt, he had hurt Sky.
He was no better than Gun
Hands parted into claws, scratching into his skin once again. Lacerating his eyebrows, feeling blood drip into his eyes until it stung and blinded his vision. The way Pai’s fists had pounded into Gun’s body now mirrored the punishment on his own.
He deserved it.
It was all he was good for.
He had failed in protecting Sky
His Sky
His perfect perfect Sky.
The scream bubbled up in his throat, clogging there and mixing with the blood and tears. One hand slammed over his lips and then fingers shoved down his throat. Forcing the sound to muffle itself. Sky was asleep. Sky couldn’t be woken up.
He found himself on the floor, vomit painting his fingers that refused to leave his mouth, blood dripping onto the floor from the cut on his forehead. Tears splatted down his cheeks and soaked his chest.
Lost in his own thoughts of horror and disgust, Pai lay there and just cried. Alone and by himself, uncaring of the time passing.
He didn't notice the door slowly opening, nor did he see the man of his current thoughts slowly step into the bathroom with a wide gaze that soon filled with understanding.
But he did feel the gentle touch to his ankle, one that made him kick away and land with a heavy thump against the bathroom cabinets. Slamming his back in a way that made the door handles dig into his flesh. Leaving bruises to form on trembling skin covered with sweat.
His hands still clawed down his throat, air whistling in between his fingers and drool trickling down his chin. The taste of vomit and blood made his stomach turn and the room was blurry and misted over from the tears that streamed down his face.
It took a moment for him to actually realize that it was Sky bending over him, crouching a short distance away with terror written across his face. Hands outreached but never touching as comprehension dawned upon the man.
Sky was here
Sky was seeing the mess that he had become
Sky was still afraid.
Pai opened his mouth to sob out an apology, to grovel at the feet of his lover and beg forgiveness for being useless and stupid and abusive and dumb, bad, bad, bad, bad.
His throat closed up and his hands fell into his lap, clawing at his sides as his lungs burnt, screaming out for oxygen that was refusing to be brought into his body.
Someone was saying something, soft-pitched words that tried to soothe the wounds that dotted his soul but they quickly washed away by the blood and tears that flowed across his skin.
But they didn’t stop, they kept coming. Gentling loving words that whispered lies, telling him that it was all okay and that they where both safe. Sky wasn’t safe, Pai was in the room with him. He tried to tell Sky that but was met with shushes and a hand that brushed over his leg for a moment.
“I’m going to run the shower”
Sky was moving and talking. Pai held his breath, trying to stop his heart from pounding out of his skull so he could understand that words being spoken.
He knew how much of a mess he must look like. Mostly naked, with blood trickling down his face and staining his eyesight. Tears and sweat mixed in disgusting rivulets that ran down his body. Red scratches racked their way across his flesh, standing out against his tanned skin and betraying how much he hated himself.
But Sky didn’t mention anything about that, he just opened the shower and leaned in, turning on the water. The sudden spray splashed out of the tub it landed in for a moment and landed against the glass walls that surrounded it. Pai watched it happen, blinking away crusted blood.
It took a moment of Sky fiddling with the levers for the water to gain the right temperature and then he turned back around.
Pai couldn’t look away, could stop watching his lover stand above him. Drinking in the sight of him before he would close his eyes and just leave. He couldn’t hurt Sky, not again, never again.
“Come on, we’re taking a shower”
He didn’t open his eyes, listening to the sounds of Sky slowly dropping his underwear and tossing it into the clothes hamper. Pai wasn’t worthy enough to look at such beauty before him.
The result of this was that he flinched when Sky laid a gentle touch on his shoulder. Sensing his presence so close to him made Pai panic again, finding his heart skipping another beat and his breath catching. How could he exist when Sky radiated such pure light beside him?
“We’re getting into the shower Pai.”
Sky’s tone didn’t change away from the gentle rhythmic tones. The magic of them swirling around Pai and making him relax slightly. His hands started to move before he could stop them, needing to make sure Sky was happy. And if it made Sky happy for Pai to wash that he would instantly do so.
It made sense, he guessed, he was disgusting. Look at the state he was in. Pai caught a glimpse of himself in the mirror as he shakily stood to his feet and flinched. He was abhorrent, dirty, and gross. Every word that could mean such things applied to him.
But still, Sky wasn’t shying away and instead helped him step under the warm spray.
It was heavenly and almost instantly his muscles relaxed, the coldness seeping away from the warmth of the water. He closed his eyes for a moment and stepped further under, letting his hair soak and the blood to begin to peel away from his eyebrow.
He didn’t miss Sky’s sharp intake of breath and waited for him to begin screaming or sobbing, to tell him that what Pai had done was stupid, that he had hurt both himself and Sky.
It never came, instead, there was the sound of a bottle cap loosening and a wet washcloth was pressed up against his arm. The slight cold from the shower gell tickled his skin before Sky was moving the material across his body. Scooping up the residue mess and letting it wash down the drain.
Neither said anything for a while. Pai didn’t move, didn’t open his eyes, and just let Sky wash his body. Even that sent tinges of guilt up and down his spine. Sky had called red tonight and now he was taking care of the one who had caused it to happen.
He opened his mouth to whisper his apologies again but Sky somehow knew and spoke first.
“It’s not your fault”
It was
“I had a flashback.”
I caused it
“You didn’t do anything wrong.”
I did everything wrong.
“I love you”
I love you too, with everything I have within me.
“Remember when I told you about sub drop?”
Pai remembered. They had been seated on Sky’s bed and Sky had been twisting his fingers in the way he always did when he was stressed. It had made Pai want to hold him close, to cage him away from the world that might hurt him. He had been innocent then, even in his time as a player he had never really strayed away from the normal.
Sky had smiled, just once, in a way that was not quite true but Pai had returned it. Waiting for him to speak and listening intently when Sky educated him. It made sense, everything that was spoken and Pai couldn’t wait until he could perform aftercare on Sky. It sounded perfect, to gently love him after he had given Sky such pleasure.
He had learned everything that could be used for aftercare and had learned what Sky had enjoyed the best. It soon became one of his favorite things, but why was Sky reminding him about this now?
Was he going to say that Pai had failed in his duty? That his aftercare had failed? Pai didn’t know if he could take that. He could accept that he had failed during the scene, and he could understand if Sky never wanted to sub for him again. But if Sky said that his aftercare had made him worse, Pai might refuse to lay down with his lover again
“I mentioned its counterpart, Dom drop, do you remember that?”
It took a moment, but the memory continued on and Pai nodded. He hadn’t really paid attention to Sky when he spoke about it, he was too focused on the way Sky had been smiling so brightly and speaking so boldly.
“And do you remember the symptoms of Dom drop?”
Pai did, his bain unhelpfully listed out everything he was currently experiencing. Guilt, depression, anxiety, self-loathing. He was unable to really speak or move due to his exhaustion and his muscle fatigue. Even now his legs almost refused to keep his weight standing.
Sky noticed, because of cause he did and the washer was placed to the side. Strong arms wrapped around him and something inside him broke. They lowered themselves to the floor, and Sky wrapped his body around the other.
Was this Dom drop? This inky black depression filled his soul and left him empty.
Sky was holding onto him so tightly and Pai let out a sobbing cry.
“I’m sorry”
He was just held tighter and Sky pressed a kiss and then another one to his shoulder. Pai weakly lent against his lover’s chest. Tilting his head back and letting it rest on Sky’s shoulders. The water still coated them in warmth and washed away whatever filth was still coating his body.
Sky just whispered back, “It’s not your fault”
“I want to believe you”
“Then believe me.”
Was it really that easy? Could it really be that easy to let go of this hatred?
“You are not to blame Pai, the person who needs the blame is dead. You saw to that”
Pai opened his eyes with a start, arching his body as shock rippled through him. Sky was never supposed to know of that deal. But there was his Sky, perfect and looking like a drowned cat, sitting under the water spray with a gently teasing smile on his lips.
“How?”
“Mutilated body found in backstreets with the words “rapist” carved into skin”
Sky spoke about the news article that had made Pai sit in front of his computer and sweat a little. But then his uncle called and told him not to worry about it and the news article disappeared a short while later. Pai had forgotten about it, and had thought that Sky would have never found out.
But his Sky was never someone who could be uncomplicated and Pai let a puff of laughter escape him.
“We’re going to cuddle now, and you’re going to talk.”
The words were spoken firmly but Pai simply nodded his head and scooted out of the way for Sky to reach up and turn the water off. The bathroom was filled with steam and Pai wondered how long Sky had spent washing his body. Had he lost that much time? Trapped in the fog of his own mind.
Sky helped him to his feet, wrapping a towel around his waist and a hand around his wrist. Tugging him into the bedroom and pushing him onto his bed with a gentle smile, Pai sprawled on the sheets for a moment and then instantly curled up into a small ball and sniffled once or twice.
“You can cry if you need to”
Pai pouted up at him, well aware that his eyes had been doing that pleading stare for the past half hour.
“But you don’t ever cry, so why should I?” He sounded like a petulant child and Sky laughed as he pulled the blankets over them.
“Because I cried when I need to and I think you need to cry now.”
Pai ignored how tears were already trickling down his cheeks in favor of diving into Sky’s open arms, nestling down tightly and hiding his face.
“I love you”
“I love you too”
The whispered words echoed into the bedroom as the honking of cars and the screeching of humanity reminded them that they were not alone. But at this moment, it truly felt like it was only the two of them.
Slowly learning and understanding the trauma that sounded the both of them, the two cried gently as they whispered what needed to be said under the comfort and safety of each other's embrace.
“It wasn’t your fault”
It wasn’t my fault
“You did nothing wrong”
I did nothing wrong
“You are safe and loved”
I am safe and loved