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“It’s fine! You know my dorm isn’t that far and even if it’s late I have my ability to defend myself It’s fine, I promise I’ll even text you when I get home!” Atsushi repeated for maybe the third time and Akutagawa just gave him an unimpressed look.
Originally, they had a date today so they went out to a very fancy restaurant Akutagawa personally picked out since he seemed to have pretty expensive tastes, Atsushi couldn’t help but feel quite out of place there but the date was enjoyable nonetheless.
So, afterwards, Akutagawa asked Atsushi if he wanted to go home with him to watch a movie or something to which Atsushi excitedly agreed because he didn’t want their ways to part just yet.
Maybe they should’ve paid more attention to the time because when the movie ended it was nearing midnight and even though Atsushi insisted that he could still walk home no matter the time Akutagawa was apparently set on the idea of him staying.
Atsushi made absolutely sure never to sleep over, even if the other asked he’d come up with some lame excuse like ‘I have work tomorrow’ and even though the other looked less convinced every time he refused he didn’t insist.
There was a very specific embarrassing reason he never slept over something he was very much willing to take to his grave and beyond death if possible.
It happened back in the orphanage and now it still happens now, nothing that he’d tried stopped it. Drinking less water before bed, setting an alarm to wake up to go to the bathroom in the middle of the night, god he even at some point felt bad enough about it that he went to Yosano because of it, she gave him some pills which didn’t work and the different treatments she suggested didn’t work either so he gave up on the idea of ever fixing that issue and when she suggested that he should try wearing protection to maybe minimize the mess he shut that down immediately.
He had a certain doubt that this might be related to the few reoccurring nightmares he had but he sometimes woke up wet even on the rare nights when absolutely no nightmare was involved. He felt utterly powerless about all of this, what kind of adult still wets the bed? He felt pathetic about it.
He ended up investing in a mattress protector to at least not damage it but having to change the sheets on the daily without Kyouka noticing was a humiliating and tiring enough task every morning so eventually, even though he was pretty sure a part of his soul died that day he bought diapers and even though it felt more than humiliating at least when he woke up in the morning he only had to throw it away instead of having sheets to wash.
No one knew, well technically no one other than Yosano but she was a doctor and had on multiple occasions assured him that this would stay confidential and she wouldn’t mention it later or mock him for it so it didn’t count. (At least that’s what he told himself)
So now, he was trying his very best to absolutely avoid sleeping over but it seemed his luck had evaporated right now.
“It’s pouring rain and thundering outside and you want to walk all the way back?” Akutagawa said raising an eyebrow “Why are you so averse to the idea of sleeping over? I told you I can provide you with clothes and a toothbrush what’s the issue?”
“There’s no issue it’s just…” His gaze fell to the floor as he tried to come up with an actual good excuse but he couldn’t think of anything and he couldn’t just stay silent either what should he-
He was startled out of his thoughts when a hand cupped the side of his face tilting it up and forcing him to make eye contact.
“I can tell you’re worried about something,” Akutagawa stated looking at him with genuine concern in his eyes which just made Atsushi feel worse. “Talk to me Atsushi.”
“It’s just…” He didn’t want to admit it, even though he knew his boyfriend was understanding this was certainly pushing it. Who would want to date someone who can’t even keep their bed dry and wears diapers? What kind of weak pathetic excuse of an adult was he? “I’m just… sort of nervous about this alright?”
Well, that wasn’t a complete lie but not the entire truth either.
“About what? We're not gonna do anything you don’t want if that’s what you’re thinking of, we’ll just share the bed alright? You can leave when you want the next morning you don’t even have to stay for breakfast even if I wouldn’t mind if you did..” Akutagawa assured him even though that wasn’t exactly what he was worried about right now.
“Okay, I’ll stay for the night.” Atsushi finally said because if he insisted on leaving it would just look weird and his boyfriend might get the wrong idea that he didn’t want to share a bed with him, he did it’s just that his… nightime issues made that harder.
It was okay, it was fine he would just stay awake all night even though the idea didn’t seem good or even possible in the long term it wasn’t as if he had any other choice.
“Good,” Akutagawa said with a small subtle smile that Atsushi might’ve missed if he had been paying less attention. “I’ll go get you some clothes, go to the bathroom and brush your teeth theres a new still packed toothbrush in the cupboard.”
He sent Kyouka a quick text saying he wouldn’t be home tonight before heading for the bathroom and brushing his teeth.
He looked at himself in the mirror and pondered what to do, he didn’t exactly have an escape plan here but the one thing he knew is that he absolutely couldn’t fall asleep or he’d wake up wet, few were the times where he didn’t so he wasn’t exactly counting on his luck here. It was fine he had pulled all nighters before this was fine. But he knew this wouldn’t work in the long term, he couldn’t just stay awake everytime he stayed over but he also couldn’t say the truth or the other would feel grossed out or disgusted or maybe he would finally realize how pathetic Atsushi was and how he wasn’t worth his time and finally break up with him.
Okay he should not think about that or he was going to start crying and he’d rather not come out of the bathroom with puffy eyes or the other would start asking questions he didn’t want to answer.
He was startled by a knock on the door and quickly blinked the tears away and splashed his face with some cold water for good measure before opening it.
“Here, they’re my clothes but we’re around the same size so they should fit.” Akutagawa said before handing him the clothes. “I’ll be waiting in the bedroom, don’t take too long.”
“Thank you Ryuunosuke.” Atsushi said before closing the door.
He quickly changed and gave himself a quick once over in the mirror, it was a black shirt with some comfortable shorts. The clothes held Akutagawa’s familiar scent and somehow that bought some sense of comfort, maybe he should attempt to steal his clothes more often.
He used the bathroom one more time to make sure the content of his bladder was empty, even though that did absolutely nothing to aid in his bed-wetting, he knew that from experience. He washed his hands and shut the light off before leaving the room.
When he arrived at Akutagawa’a bedroom the dark-haired man was already laying down in bed, a book in hand and patted the space next to him indicating for Atsushi to lay down too.
He got the message and lays down next to Akutagawa, moving his body under the thick blanket that the bed provided.
“Do you want me to set an alarm? Or would you rather sleep in, I know you don’t have work tomorrow since it’s Sunday and I don’t either.” Akutagawa said.
“Ah, I don’t mind either you can choose,” Atsushi answered enjoying how soft the pillows he was resting his head on were but then he reminded himself not to relax too much or he’d fall asleep.
“Alright, I’ll set an alarm for 9 am is that fine?” Akutagawa asked and Atsushi nodded so he set the alarm.
“Aren’t you going to sleep?” Atsushi asked as he looked at the book Akutagawa was holding, it seemed like some sort of murder mystery from the cover.
“I am, I just like doing some light reading before trying to sleep. It helps me relax and fall asleep easier” He simply explains opening the book up to where he last bookmarked it. “But I can stop if you can’t sleep because of the nightlight.”
“It’s fine, I don’t mind,” Atsushi said and it wasn’t as if he was really planning on sleeping. “In that case goodnight Ryuu, I love you.
He slowly moved closer to Akutagawa until their shoulders were touching, in return the other moved a hand to his hair lightly petting it.
“Sleep well Atsushi, I love you too,” Akutagawa said looking at him with a soft smile before bringing his attention back to his book that he now held with one hand.
Now came the hard part, staying awake. And the soft stroking of his hair that slowly lulled him to sleep certainly wasn’t helping at all.
He was forced to close his eyes because the other would most likely notice if he just laid there with his eyes wide open, even so he willed himself to stay awake focusing his thoughts on that and the humiliation that would come if he didn’t.
Even so, when he hears Akutagawa’s book close and a small kiss being left on his forehead along with some sweet words suddenly he feels arms wrap around him, his face now resting against the other’s chest. The task of staying awake becomes more complicated.
Cuddling like that felt nice and warm and comfortable so he felt himself getting sleepier by the second and suddenly he dozes off, against his will.
When Atsushi wakes up he doesn’t know how many hours later but when he opens his eyes he notices ‘2:04” written on the alarm clock. He must’ve shifted position in his sleep because now he's laying sort of half on top of Akutagawa, his face resting on his chest and a leg draped over him.
His first thought is that it’s way too early to be awake and the alarm would only ring in a few hours so he should go back to sleep.
He’s about to go back to sleep and closes his eyes but opens them right back when he shifts ever so slightly and suddenly feels immense discomfort because his pants feel wet and are awkwardly clinging to his crotch and thighs. It takes him a few seconds to properly wake up and process that but when he recognizes what happened his eyes widen and he feels very awake compared to a few seconds ago.
It was clear that he wet the bed and pure denial would only worsen the situation now, he needed to figure out what to do right now it was fine he could fix this.
Or maybe he couldn’t, when he remembered that he had previously been laying so close to the other he felt a sudden rise of anxiety before checking but when he did it only amplified.
He had gotten Akutagawa wet, he has dirtied him with something as gross as his urine and he suddenly regretted every single decision that had led to this moment.
He was lucky enough that the other hadn’t woken up yet even though that didn’t do much to ease any of his current worries.
He had wet the bed, one that wasn’t even his and by this point, the urine probably stained the mattress. Worst of all Akutagawa would eventually wake up and see the mess and see that he had gotten some on him. He didn’t want to see the look of disgust Akutagawa would give him when he realized what happened, how much of a gross pathetic idiot his boyfriend truly was.
He didn’t know what to do now and every moment he sat there above the wet sheets he just felt worse, he couldn’t say he spilled something because you could tell what it was because of the smell and the fact that his pants were wet from his crotch down to his knees. He couldn't change the sheets without waking Akutagawa up because he was laying on them, he truly felt trapped in this situation.
He felt tears prickling his eyes and now was certainly not the time for crying he had to figure something out but the more he thought the less solutions he found which only made him panic and want to cry more. The other would wake up, find out and most likely call him disgusting before breaking up with him and throwing him out. How would he even face Akutagawa after this? He let out a weak sob at the mental image of Akutagawa waking up and looking at him in disgust when he realized what happened.
His crying must’ve awakened his sleeping boyfriend because suddenly he stirred before sitting up, rubbing at his eyes to attempt to get the sleep out of them before turning the nightlight on illuminating the room.
Atsushi froze not knowing what to do and he had the urge to flee but froze instead staring at Akutagawa who soon looked at him back and his eyebrows creased with worry when he noticed Atsushi’s expression.
“Atsushi? What’s the matter?” Akutagawa’s sleepy voice asked and Atsushi knew the only reason he didn’t realize what happened was because the blanket was hiding the wet sheets, his hands suddenly held the fabric of it tighter. He didn’t answer, what could he even say? Every possible excuse had left his mind leaving a feeling of dread and panic. The night light was suddenly turned on.
“Did you have a nightmare?” The dark-haired man asked looking at Atsushi with worry because of his unresponsiveness and the comforting tone only managed to make him feel worse. If he knew the mess that Atsushi was sitting in he wouldn’t be acting so nice, he’d be disgusted and yell at him, throw him out, maybe even hit him like they used to back at the orphanage whenever that happened not that he didn’t deserve it-
“Atsushi?” Akutagawa repeated setting a hand on his shoulder and pulling him out of his self-deprecating thoughts, he looked over at Akutagawa with tears blurring his line of vision that he didn’t even bother to try and hide because the other saw them already either way and just looked more concerned.
“I-I’m sorry.” He forces himself to mumble because as tempting as it sounds he can't just stay silent and pretend the situation at hand isn’t happening.
“What for?” Akutagawa asks clearly confused and Atsushi doesn’t want to tell him, doesn’t want him to know and be grossed out and throw him out and- he lets out a sob at the thought feeling a second away from breaking down completely.
Akutagawa moves closer and Atsushi wants to yell at him to go away, to not come over here but the words fail to exit his mouth and the other seems to suddenly still before he moves his hand to his pant leg which a part of it was wet. His hand moved to the sheets below noticing they were wet too. It takes him a few seconds to connect the dots, figuring out the true reason for Atsushi's panic.
Even so, he had to check and Atsushi yelped when the blanket covering him was pulled down and out of his grip in one sharp pull. Revealing his drenched pants and the wet sheets below.
Maybe after getting over the initial shock Atsushi quickly pulled the blanket back, clearly far too late but it felt as if he’d genuinely die of shame if the other stared at the sheets for much longer. Not that he wasn’t already dying of shame of course.
“I-I’m so sorry!” He forces himself to say between ragged sobs because staying silent felt like the worse option here. He didn’t want to face the consequences of this, didn’t want to face the disgust and disappointment. “I-I know it’s so gross a-and you’re probably so disgusted and the sheets and mattress are ruined because of me! I-I'm-”
He doesn’t manage to say more, not when he breaks down into more sobs hiding his face in his hands which is practically useless in hiding his loud wailing. As if he couldn’t humiliate himself any further this evening. He wet the bed and now he was sobbing about it like a weak pathetic child. Now that Akutagawa knew how much of an idiot he truly was he was sure to break things off between them, why would he ever want to deal with someone like Atsushi?
He flinched when he suddenly felt a hand on his hair and he predicted that it was about to roughly grab it and that Akutagawa would start yelling at him, but surprisingly it didn’t. And instead settled on lightly patting his hair to comfort him.
“It’s alright,” Akutagawa said in a soft gentle tone not wanting to panic the other more than he already was. “It’s no big deal, we’ll just change the sheets, shower and go back to bed it’s okay I’m not disgusted or anything like that.”
Atsushi was stunned and took a moment to process it but when he did his first instinct was to deny them, Akutagawa couldn’t possibly be thinking that. Not after he woke him up in the middle of the night to wet sheets, he had to be lying. He sniffed weakly struggling to speak with the lump in his throat but he forced himself to either way. “Y-You don’t have to pretend, just say it.”
“Say what?” Akutagawa said and had the audacity to sound genuinely confused to sound as if he wasn’t disgusted but Atsushi wasn’t convinced at all.
“You know what I mean! Stop pretending like you’re not disgusted, who would want a boyfriend who can’t even keep his bed dry? I-It’s our first night together and I ruined it!” He said before breaking down into gut-wrenching sobs clearly more upset at himself than Akutagawa actually was.
Atsushi’s eyes widened when he suddenly felt himself getting pulled into a tight embrace and his mind is yelling at him to pull back, that the other must be tricking him that this is all a grand scheme just to make fun of him in the end mocking him for ever daring to believe that Akutagawa could care so much about him that he didn’t care about what happened. He should pull back, he had to but…
It felt warm, comforting and most importantly safe. Way different from any of the times he woke up in wet sheets at the orphanage and the only kind of physical contact he got in consequence were violent, slaps punches or anything of the sort while being told how much of a worthless being he was.
After a few moments, he hesitantly ends up wrapping his arms around Akutagawa, hiding his face in his shoulder which didn’t do much to muffle his wails and how he was shaking as he broke down entirely.
“It’s okay.” Akutagawa softly said rubbing soothing circles along Atsushi’s shaking back. “I’m not mad, or disgusted and you certainly didn’t ruin the night. Don’t say such things about yourself Atsushi I love you and some sheets won’t change that I promise.”
That seems to calm Atsushi down at least a little bit his breathing settling down as he practically melted into the embrace he struggled to find his voice again and when he spoke it was in a shaky tone as if his voice could break off any second . “B-But I got it on you! Don’t you find me gross or-”
“It’s not a big deal,” Akutagawa assured him cutting him off before he could start putting himself down again. “I promise, It’ll take a lot more to drive me off. So what if you got it on me? We can always wash off I don’t find you gross in any meaning. You know I come back with my clothes soaked in blood sometimes, I don’t care it’s just a liquid and I’d be a fool if I held something as minor as that against you.”
Atsushi doesn’t have any argument so he stays silent for a moment taking in the fact that Akutagawa genuinely doesn’t care which helps in making him calm down a bit more.
They stay like that for a while, Akutagawa muttering comforting words to Atsushi until his sobs subsided to quiet sniffles.
“Here you go, it’s alright,” Akutagawa spoke in a gentle tone before pulling back from the embrace and wiping Atsushi’s tears off his cheeks. “Now how about you go shower and I’ll change the sheets in the meantime?”
“You should go first- and I should be the one changing the sheets it’s my mess you don’t have to deal with it.” The Weretiger objected but Akutagawa quickly shook his head lightly shushing him.
“Its fine, it’s just more practical that way and I’m sure you wouldn’t even figure out how my washing machine works. Let me do it.” He insisted.
“But-” He doesn’t say more not with the look that Akutagawa gives him promptly shutting him up. “Okay, fine you win.”
Atsushi stands up from the bed before making his way to the bathroom, shutting the door behind him.
He sighs as he turns on the water, well this could’ve been worse he was definitely expecting the worst-case scenario to happen which surprisingly didn’t. When the water seemed hot enough he changed out of his uncomfortable wet clothes before stepping into the shower.
A hot shower is just what he needed and he sighs at the feeling of hot water against his skin, maybe too hot but hey he didn’t get the privilege of anything other than the rare lukewarm showers back at the orphanage so maybe now he always ends up setting it high enough that it burns but it felt too good for him to care.
After scrubbing his whole body down twice and the air in the room feels like he’s in the middle of a sauna and he might pass out if he puts off getting out any longer, he steps out of the shower and dries himself with a towel before changing into new clothes.
Now, he doesn’t want to face Akutagawa again. He’s more than embarrassed and if he goes back to sleep it might happen again and he seriously doesn’t want to admit that this happens on most nights and he has to wear protection for it, he’d rather die than admit that to anyone ever but he couldn’t just lie his way through this again he had to he honest even if it seemed like admitting that would crush a part of his soul.
After some self-prep in the mirror which consisted of telling himself that he already humiliated himself for the evening so it couldn’t get much worse now, he stepped out of the bathroom.
Akutagawa was already laying in bed which had new clean sheets and Atsushi awkwardly stood there until Akutagawa patted the empty space next to him so he walked up to the bed and settled under the blanket appreciating its warmth.
“You showered?” Atsushi asked, noticing the other’s damp hair.
“I did, I do remind you that I happened to own two bathrooms.” Akutagawa replied, shifting closer to him until their shoulders touched and he rested his hand on top of Atsushi’s. “It’s nearing 3am, we should try to catch some more sleep.”
“I’m sorry.” The silver-haired man suddenly said and the dark-haired man tilted his head in slight confusion so Atsushi went on explaining. “I mean, I woke you up in the middle of the night because of this. And the mattress is probably ruined too. I'm sorry you must think I’m so gross…”
“I don’t, stop saying that,” Akutagawa said in a stern but soft tone before continuing. “And the mattress is fine, I have a mattress protector on my bed so it doesn't get wet or anything.”
“Why does your bed have a mattress protector?” Atsushi curiously asked and suddenly Akutagawa was the one blushing.
“Ah that…” he said trailing off for a second as if unsure of what his next words should be. “It’s just, I get really bad nightmares sometimes and end up waking… well you know what I mean. So I bought a mattress protector to avoid ruining the mattress.”
“So you know, I’m not gonna judge you for this because I'm not a hypocritical asshole and I’ll never bring it up again if you wish so. I get that you feel upset but don’t beat yourself up over this. It was just an accident it’s fine.” He said running his thumb along the back of Atsushi’s hand.
“It’s different for me,” Atsushi said in a bitter tone clearly mad at himself. “I mean, for you, it happens because of nightmares and it doesn’t always happen but for me, it doesn’t have anything to do with nightmares, I don’t know why it happens so fucking often- I don’t remember the last time I woke up dry. At some point I got too tired of changing sheets every morning and started wearing protection, you know fucking- diapers. What’s wrong with me?! Why can’t I be normal I mean- what kind of eighteen-year-old still has to wear diapers to bed it’s s-so pathetic and weird and- and gross-“
“Stop fucking saying that!” Akutagawa all but shouted at him successfully cutting him off but he quickly calmed his tone when Atsushi flinched at that looking at him with some fear in his eyes as if he was expecting Akutagawa to hurt him like the people back at the orphanage hurt him, his heart broke at that. “Sorry, I’m so sorry Atsushi I didn’t mean to yell.”
He carefully pulls Atsushi into an embrace who wraps his arms back around him too after a few seconds. He could faintly hear his sobs against his shoulder. “I’m just… I can’t bear hearing you put yourself down like this, there’s nothing wrong with you and you shouldn’t blame yourself for something you can’t control. This doesn’t make you weird or pathetic in any meaning and if anyone dares to tell you that I promise they’re not worth your time.”
They spend a few silent minutes in each other’s arms, the only sound being of Atsushi’s crying. He sniffles weakly before finding his voice. “I-I wish- I just wish it wasn’t like that you know. I’m tired of this, I hate it.”
“I know, I’m sorry this is happening but you have to accept it and stop beating yourself up over it. It’ll only make you feel worse.” Akutagawa said running his hand through the younger man’s hair. “Is that why you were so averse to the idea of sleeping over?”
He gets a weak ‘mmh’ from Atsushi so he goes on. “It’s okay, I’m sorry for pushing you but I’m glad I found out what the issue was. It doesn’t change anything and I’ll still like you to sleep over from time to time if you don’t mind.”
“You still want me here?” Atsushi asked his voice muffled against the older man's shoulder.
“Of course I do.” Akutagawa spoke in an honest tone.
“Even if I have to wear…” He trails off his sentence with a whine too embarrassed to go on but thankfully Akutagawa gets it.
“Yes, I truly don’t mind just do whatever makes you comfortable,” Akutagawa reassured him and Atsushi lets out a small relieved sigh.
They shift down a bit to lay down properly and the night light was quickly shut off.
“Thank you for this Ryuunosuke, I really needed it.” Atsushi says sounding tired from the whole event and exhausted from all his crying and panicking. “Are you sure you want to lay this close? I mean… what if it happens again?”
“Then we’ll clean up again, it’s no big deal.” Akutagawa assured him. “I told you a bit of urine isn’t going to drive me away, I don’t care and I’m willing to risk it if it means I get to keep cuddling you.”
“Thank you Ryuunosuke, I love you so much you can’t imagine.” Atsushi said nuzzling his face against Akutagawa’s chest in the manner that a cat might.. “I’m glad you didn’t break up with me and bothered comforting me even though I made all this mess.”
“I would never break up with you for something like that you hear me?” Akutagawa seriously says and shifts down slightly to leave a kiss on Atsushi’s forehead. “I love you just as much Atsushi and I’ll always try to be there for you when you need it, try to sleep I’m sure you’ll feel better tomorrow.”
“Okay.” Atsushi simply answers interlacing their hands together and he gently smiles at Akutagawa who smiles right back at him. Before closing his eyes. “Good night Ryuunosuke, I love you.”
“Good night Atsushi, I love you too.” Akutagawa answers staring at Atsushi for a few seconds appreciating his peaceful expression which is a nice change from all the previous sobbing. He then closes his eyes.
Atsushi had a lot of doubts about sleeping over but now that he did and none of the horrible things that might’ve happened if Akutagawa found out didn’t happen, he felt at peace.
Maybe he was being too harsh on himself, he’ll think about it more when he wakes up tomorrow but for now he drifts off way less stressed out than before and soon the only sound in the bedroom is of their snores and light breathing.