Work Text:
BING BONG
Kotone (distant): “—is that the—wait! I can hear us now, that’s the right button."
Aigis (distant): “I see, shall I speak now?”
Kotone (distant): Into this, the mic is just here.
Aigis (distant): “Understood.
Aigis: “Good morning, students of Gekkoukan High. As you may or may not be aware, I am Aigis, and I am joined by my fellow junior Kotone Shiomi”
Kotone: “Heya!”
Aigis: “And we will be taking over PA duty for today. Announcements, instructions, and information shall be shared with you throughout the day. Please stay tuned.”
Aigis: “…”
Aigis: “What do I do now?”
Kotone: “You need to let go of the bu—”
~ ~ ~
BING BONG
Aigis: “Attention, students of Gekkoukan High. Lunch today will include…”
Sounds of rustling papers.
Kotone (distant): “It has to be here somewhere…”
Aigis (distant): “Do we not have it?”
Kotone (distant): “You'd think they'd have it ready somewhere but…”
Aigis (distant): “What should I say then?”
Kotone (distant): “Just make something up.”
Aigis (distant): “We could face negative consequences if we shared misinformation over the PA system.”
Kotone (distant): “Uhh…”
Kotone: “Lunch today will consist of… food. If you’re lucky.”
Aigis: “Lucky?”
Kotone: “I don’t trust the lunchlady fully. Trust me you’re better off bringing your own lunch, one time she—wait Aigis why are you still holding the but—”
~ ~ ~
BING BONG
Aigis: “Attention, students of Gekkoukan High. We have instructions to relay to you.”
Sounds of shuffling paper.
Aigis: “Would the real Slim Shady, please stand up?”
Kotone: Unintelligible
Sounds of shuffling paper.
Aigis: “Apologies for our error, information was mishandled and we are deeply sorry. Please disregard the previous instruction. Could Hidetoshi Odagiri please report to the faculty office? Shady-san may remain seated until further notice if they so please. Thank you.”
~ ~ ~
BING BONG
Aigis: “To the boy who spanked me in the hall yesterday, I would like to offer my full apologies. I hope that the surgery on your hand is successful, and that your recovery is swift.”
~ ~ ~
BING BONG
Kotone: “—And so I said ‘Well if he likes her as much as ramen, I hope he’s at least eating her as often’, and then she said… Aigis take your finger off of the button.”
~ ~ ~
BING BONG
Aigis: “Attention, students of Gekkoukan High. It has been brought to the school’s attention that members of the science club have been attempting to make cyanide using chemicals provided by the school.”
Kotone: “Why would you guys do that? You’re either trying to do something REALLY illegal, or else are just REALLY stupid.”
Aigis: “Indeed, creating such a chemical would be highly dangerous to yourself and others. You must not under any circumstances mix 100 grams of sodium hydroxide with 43 grams of cyanuric acid and 12 grams of carbon and heat it to 600 degrees centigrade and stir for at least an hour…”
Kotone: “Aigis what the hell are you doing? Is that actually how you make cyanide?”
Aigis: “The science club mixes many chemicals in their experiments, I do not want them to accidentally make it so I’m telling them what to avoid doing.”
Kotone: “That’s a bit—”
Aigis: “If for whatever reason you have already followed these stages and stirred for an hour while keeping the bubbling under control. Please dispose of it immediately without allowing it to cool and without allowing it to dissolve in methanol. The large chunks produced must not be converted into powder and mixed with 100 grams of sodium bicarbonate then stirred for 30 minutes and filtered.”
Kotone: “Aigis we need to stop like- RIGHT NOW!”
Aigis: “And definitely dispose of all traces before allowing the filtrate to dry into crude sodium cyanide with an expected yield of 19 grams.”
Kotone: “Aigis please stop.”
Aigis: “I am finished. I warn you once more that cyanide is an immensely lethal poison, not meant for consumption by any living being under any circumstances.”
Kotone: “Indeed. In an unrelated announcement- Fuuka, no promises but I’m gonna try to make it to cooking club today, okay? Looking forward to it!”
~ ~ ~
BING BONG
Aigis: “…Ahem.
I am the very model of a modern major-general
I’ve information vegetable, animal, and mineral
I know the kings of England and quote the fights historical
From Marathon to Waterloo in order categorical.”
Aigis: “I’m very well acquainted too with matters mathematical
I understand equations both the simple and quadratical
About binominal theorem I’m teeming with a lot of news.”
Kotone: “…”
Aigis: “With many cheerful facts about the square of the hypotenuse.”
Kotone: “With many cheerful facts about the square of the hypotenuse
With many cheerful facts about the squareof hypertennews
With manny cheerfulfats boot hypotennaana—ah- FUCK!”
Aigis: “Shall we start over?”
Kotone: “No no, just keep going, I’ll get it.”
Aigis: “Understood.
I’m very good at integral and differential calculus
I know the scientific names of beings animalculous
In short, in matters vegetable, animal, and mineral
I am the very model of a modern major-general.”
Kotone: “In short in matters vegetable, animal, and minimal
She is the very model of a modern major-gemiroll- OH GOD DAMMIT!”
Aigis: “Perhaps we should try at a slower tempo?”
Kotone: “The speed is the whole point of the song though! Man, I had it last night, I HAD IT!”
A heavy sigh is heard.
Kotone: “And you were doing your part so well too…”
Aigis: “It’s okay, we just need more practice, we’ll get it eventually.”
Kotone: “Thanks Aigis… I won’t let you down next time, I swear.”
Aigis: “You could never let me down, so long as I am by your side I will always be satisfied.”
Kotone: “Aigis… thank you, now let go of the button before this gets even more embarrassing…”
~ ~ ~
BING BONG
An extended silence passes by.
Minor static is heard for a couple minutes.
Kotone (distant): “Aigis, your elbow is—”
~ ~ ~
BING BONG
Kotone: “So like why is there no female swimming club at this school? What gives? This is the age where it’s socially acceptable to wear school swimsuits and we’re all letting it pass us by?”
Aigis: “Can we not simply wear them off school premises?”
Kotone: “No, we have to wear colorful bikinis and stuff at beaches and pools and stuff. If you’re a student wearing your school swimsuit outside of school then you’re automatically a loser. As for after you finish school the swimsuit and your uniform are instantly relegated to fetish wear, everyone knows that.”
Aigis: “Is that so?”
Kotone: “I mean don’t get me wrong, we’re all gonna hold onto our uniforms and stuff for when we’re in our thirties and need to ‘spice things up in the bedroom’, that’s a given.”
Aigis: “You really do think ahead.”
Kotone: “And I’m saying that we’re not gonna be able to wear school swimsuits in the actual appropriate and innocent context, not to mention we can’t take them away with us after graduation.”
Aigis: “But if we wait that long to wear them again for recreational purposes—”
Kotone: “That’s a nice euthemism.”
Aigis: “—wouldn’t we have outgrown them by then? Though that wouldn’t apply to myself…”
Kotone: “Them being too small is part of the appeal at that point. Like lemme show you—”
Aigis: “Sh-show me?”
Kotone: “Like if I remove this for a second, then pull my shirt back…”
Aigis: “Oh. The rest of you cannot see this, but Kotone-san is illustrating the effectiveness of her points quite successfully.”
Aigis: “I assure you the use of the word ‘points’ was not an intentional joke, but it is one that I realize is appropriate in this context, and I hope you enjoyed it.”
Kotone: “There’s some service for my fellow students I guess. I gave them some fuel for the playground of their imagination.”
Aigis: “And I gave them a funny joke. I hope they appreciate our efforts.”
~ ~ ~
BING BONG
Kotone: “Hy-po-ten-use. Hy-po-ten-use. H-huh? Oh sorry, don’t mind me.”
Aigis: “You should all strive to work as hard as Kotone-san.”
Kotone: “Quit embarrassing me Aigis, I’m quite capable of doing that myself.”
Aigis: “My apologies.”
~ ~ ~
BING BONG
Aigis: “Please do not be alarmed by the police presence outside of the school, I assure you that they have no relation to the three of us and our presence here.”
Kotone (distant): “Two Aigis! Two!”
Aigis: “Ah. I apologize for my… error. Please disregard the two of us, we are unrelated to their business.”
Aigis: “However, if they ask for us, we’re not here. Thank you.”
~ ~ ~
BING BONG
Aigis: “A message from the student council president, it reads thus: ‘I am no one’s mother, please stop addressing me as such. Anyone who fails to comply will be executed.’ Message ends. Thank you.”
Kotone (distant): “I’ll be your mommy.”
Aigis: “What?”
Kotone: “What?”
~ ~ ~
BING BONG
Aigis: “A follow-up message from the student council president, it reads thus: ‘Execution is not a sexual euphemism, stop trying to break down the student council room door unless you want to be expelled.’ Message ends. Thank you.”
Kotone (distant): “I told her that first message was a bad idea.”
~ ~ ~
BING BONG
Aigis: “Message directly to school faculty: In regards to the math teacher, we’re—”
Kotone: “We don’t know where Ms. Miyahara is! Quit asking!”
Banging is heard in the background.
Aigis: “We cannot assist in the search at present, our hands are full with putting together the proposal for rescheduling the culture festival that was cancelled due to the typhoon.”
Kotone: “I was so looking forward to that! Yukari was gonna wear a maid outfit!”
Aigis (distant): “Didn’t you give her one for Tartarus?”
Kotone (distant): “Yeah, but I wanna see her wear one in school. Don’t you want to see her all annoyed and embarrassed about it?”
Aigis (distant): “…Not particularly…”
Kotone (distant): “You’ll understand the appeal when you see it, trust me. Also don’t mention the T-word like that, they might still be able to hear us.”
Aigis (distant): “Oops.”
Aigis: “If our proposal could be accepted sooner rather than later, we could join the search effort for her.”
Banging is heard in the background
Aigis: “Although we have no idea where she may be.”
The banging gets louder.
Aigis: “I’m confident in our abilities to locate her though.”
~ ~ ~
BING BONG
Banging can be heard from two different sources
Aigis: “We apologize for the ambient noise. Mr. Ono and Mr. Edoka are currently trying to break down the door to the PA room due to a misunderstanding.”
Kotone: “The fact that the police are with them doesn’t change the fact that it’s just a silly mistake… on their part.”
Aigis: “I assure you that is the only cause of the noises you may be hearing.”
The sound of wood breaking is heard, swifty followed by a thud.
Kotone (distant): “Dammit she got out…”
Muffled, unintelligible speech is heard.
Aigis: “Please remain focused on your respective classes, thank you.”
Kotone: “And just to remind the faculty and police force, we can join in on the search as soon as we no longer have to worry about our proposal, so maybe get on that quickly, yeah?”
~ ~ ~
BING BONG
The banging is louder than ever.
Aigis (distant): “I think they may have brought a battering ram.”
Kotone (distant): “Isn’t that overkill?”
Aigis: “Attention. All is well in the school. Carry on.”
Aigis (distant): “Should we re-evaluate? Perhaps hiding in the PA room was the wrong decision?”
Kotone (distant): “It’s the only place that was both empty and locked from the inside! But yeah… might be time to cut our losses… gimme the mic.”
Kotone: “Hey guys I think we know where Ms. Miyahara is! Just gimme a sec, and please keep those angry-sounding dogs on tight leashes, thank you!”
~ ~ ~
BING BONG
Aigis: “We have reached an agreement. Math teacher Ms. Miyahara is safe and sound, and does not wish to press charges. Instead she will…”
Ms. Miyahara: unintelligible
Aigis: “Teach us the REAL cheerful facts about the square of the hypotenuse.”
Kotone: “Joy…”
Aigis: “Law enforcement may withdraw peacefully, thank you for your hard work, but your presence is no longer necessary at present.”
The sound of the PA room door being broken down, immediately followed by screaming, shouting, and barking.
Aigis: “That will be all from us today, thank you for listening. Have a safe journey home, and remember that the next midterms will be—”
Crash