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Panic occupied Marvin’s thoughts as he ran from a six-legged chameleon the size of a taco truck. The only thing between him and recapture was adrenaline at this point and right now his blood was loaded with it. He dashed around another corner and on a whim ducked behind one of the hallway’s metal reinforcements.
So far, he had figured out three things. First, he had been abducted. That one was a no brainer since he’d dematerialized and wound up in some kind of holding cell not ten minutes ago. Second, he was in space. This became apparent to Marvin when he came across a large window during his attempt at escape and got a moon’s eye view of planet Earth down below. Third, chameleons (or at least giant chameleon aliens with six legs) were fast. The guy chasing him couldn’t have had more than twelve toes and somehow six minutes of running hadn’t been enough to shake his pursuer.
Marvin shrank behind the wall support as the alien thundered past, holding his breath. Up close, he saw the creature’s scales were quickly cycling through colors, creating a ripple effect. Oranges and silvers ran down the length of the reptile. It was stunning. The chameleon went to round another corner and a second chameleon appeared. They both hit the brakes and almost ran into each other. The throat of the first alien turned deep black and they let out a deep woop. The other hissed but got out of the way.
Once both of them were out of sight, Marvin left his hiding spot and booked it down another nondescript corner.
What was he going to do? He was just some college kid from Nevada, he wasn’t equipped to deal with First Contact! He was going to die and get taxidermized and put in an alien tourist trap disguised as a museum and his hiking group would just think he fell off a cliff. This was very bad.
A thump down the hallway knocked the sense back into him and Marvin realized he’d frozen in his panic. He started running again. The longer he ran the more he noticed how large the proportions of this spaceship were, and how small he was in comparison.
~
Carbir was so fired. The Earth hominid had been on the ship for a total of four minutes before it had managed to breach containment. Carbir was so fired it wasn’t even funny. Janice in IT turned banana yellow anyways. Carbir pointedly didn’t acknowledge her as he rushed down the corridor.
“You lost it?” She called after him with no small amount of mirth. He kept going.
If he was a hyper-social alien hominid who could crack a dual pressure lock like a hatchling’s toy, where would he hide? A cave? Trappistine hominids liked caves. Carbir looked for anything a hominid would consider a cave and saw nothing. By now, the thing had been given five whole minutes to look for a hiding spot. He needed help.
He was already navy blue when he pinched his comm watch, but the hiss of his captain left him two shades from pitch black.
“Lieutenant! Where is it?” She said.
He curled his tail. “I don’t know, Sir.”
“Fantastic.” Came the dry reply. “I’m sending a team down. Find him before they arrive if you value your job.” The comm went dead. Carbir’s scales were dark enough to blend in with the void of space.
He picked a random corridor and started running.
~
Marvin was so close he could taste it. Just down the hall was a vent opening. It was far too small for a chameleon, but for him it was perfect. Two steps in the direction of his salvation were all it took for his pursuer to materialize between them. He ducked through the much larger door beside him and tugged it closed with all his might. It gave a thump that was sure to alert the alien.
Marvin froze. Thumps continued in his direction. The room he’d hidden himself in was barren save for a drain in a dip in the floor…and the smell of pee. Great, was he going to die in an alien toilet? The thumps slowed to a halt. If he was going to get out of this, he had to think of something now.
How do you make a big animal go away? The hiker part of him had a realization. Make yourself sound bigger.
He closed his eyes. Sadly, it didn’t make the alien disappear. Then he yelled at the top of his lungs. “WOOP!”
~
“BUZZ OFF!” shouted the occupant in the bathroom. Carbir went pink as a peach in the peak of perihelion. And he’d been so sure it was the hominid. Giving a hum of apology, he kept going down the corridor.
His comm watch buzzed at the end of the hall. The search team had been deployed and he was due in the captain’s office immediately. Carbir stopped running, instead turning the corner and doing everything but dragging his feet. He was so fired.
The click of the door behind him echoed against the glass trophy cases that lined the office. Captain Prota’s left eye met his and the dark patch on her throat disappeared. Carbir was met with the realization that his job might not be the only one in jeopardy over this incident.
The captain pulled up a comm schedule and projected it on the wall screen. “Admiral Torbin has requested a conference in thirty minutes.” This was bad. “She would like to, in her words, ‘be assured her approval of this mission was not in error’.” This was very bad. “You have ten minutes to explain to me exactly how the hominid has outwitted my entire ecology team and the plan you have to capture it. In precise detail.” He was so fired. “Begin.”
~
Marvin wasn’t sure what ‘woop’ meant, but it was sure helpful in keeping the aliens away in a pinch. He sawed away at another panel with the bat-like stick he’d found. It was probably a tool of some kind. Right now, its function was ‘breaking all the boxes with wires in them.’ That had been his plan so far. It seemed to be making the chameleons more agitated; they kept going dark colors when the lights flickered or the pipes hissed.
Right now, he was watching from a vent in the ceiling while a scab-colored chameleon with a crest on its head hummed at a screen with another chameleon on it. The panel by the vent had a wire that ran down to the chameleon’s desk. Marvin would really like for it to be some sort of flight control panel so he could break it. At the very least, it looked like an important room where important things aliens didn’t want broken would be kept.
One more whack with his alien tool was enough to tear the wires and immediately the screen below went dark. Office chameleon shrieked. Marvin grinned. Then he made his way back down the vent, looking for the ship controls. Two rooms later, he felt the ship move.
No! He clambered back to the vent where he’d seen a porthole. Wait. To his shock, Earth appeared to be getting closer. Yes!
The process of opening the vent covers was mostly silent, but not much could be done if there happened to be an alien next to the thing. Just his luck. A deer in headlights might have stood more of a chance than Marvin did shutting his eyes and praying they just put him back in the room with the grass.
A hiss. He looked up. The alien was deep blue and quivering slightly. Was it…scared? It gave a quick woop, then two more. Not one to look a gift horse in the mouth or a scared chameleon in the eye, Marvin ran the opposite direction. Three turns later, he spotted sunlight and smelled dirt. It was practically perfume to him. Anything was better than musty lizard and cleaning chemicals.
There was a hatch open wide to Marvin’s hiking trail, with a ramp and everything. He sprinted to it, paying no attention to the chameleons following him.
Until, at least, all five of them stopped at the exit and let out a barrage of Woop. The second Marvin got off the ramp, it folded back into the ship. Its thrusters fired, then it was leaving the atmosphere like a shot.
Marvin watched it go. That week, on a whim, he sent in an audition tape for Invasion of the Turtle Men. His voice acting career ended up taking him all around the world, he even made friends with Andy Serkis. Marvin never mentioned the Chameleons, they weren’t coming back anytime soon.
~
“So, it opened a dual-pressure lock.”
“Yes, Sir.”
“And evaded capture for forty minutes. How?”
“It appears this variant of hominid is capable of perfect mimicry.”
“What did it mimic?”
“Whenever a crew member approached its hiding spot, it yelled…well, it yelled ‘buzz off’ at them, sir.”
“And that’s why you allowed it to destroy your comms array?”
“Well, sir, it was very convincing, everyone thought it was another crew member.”
“Convincing enough to suggest sentience?”
“Possibly, sir.”
“You’re all fired.”
“Yes, Sir.”