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Ed was leaving nothing to chance.
He had planned this dinner for weeks, ran every possible scenario in his head multiple times, considering and reconsidering every factor that could make or break the greatest undertaking of his life: proposing to Stede Bonnet.
He started with the ring, of course.
Figuring out Stede's ring size without setting off alarm bells was a challenge in itself; the entire endeavor required a daring and convoluted plan that involved stealth, creativity, deception, and the assistance of one Lucius Spriggs.
(And if he had agreed to pose nude for one of Lucius' projects in exchange for the younger man’s help, well. Worth it.)
Picking out the ring turned out to be a lot easier.
Ed knew, the minute he walked into the jewelry store, that he had found The One. It was a rose gold band, black diamond set in the center, surrounded by white diamond and yellow gold petals.
A sunflower in bloom.
Said ring had been hiding in Ed’s sock drawer for a month now, biding its time. Today, he fished it out of its hiding place.
Now or never, Teach.
His relationship with Stede had felt like a bit of a speed run, if he was being honest. Their first date was six months ago; Stede moved into Ed’s apartment less than a month later with an unreasonable amount of clothes in tow.
(Stede had since downsized, only to buy more clothes now that he had "all this space again". Ed thought it was adorable.)
Of course they were moving crazy fast, but really, why delay the inevitable? Stede was it for him, and every day spent with the man only left him wanting more.
So now here he was, counting down the minutes as he waited for his boyfriend to come home. Ed had made up some excuse to take the day off, claiming a personal errand or some such – just enough to throw Stede off his scent without inciting more questions.
Ed surveyed his handiwork.
Red roses and white tulips bloomed around their living room, candles burning low to create the perfect ambience.
The cacio e pepe and grilled salmon were beautifully plated, arugula salad tossed artfully on the side. Stede’s favorite riesling sat in the ice bucket, chilling.
One last thing.
Ed pulled one cupcake out of the freshly-baked dozen waiting on the counter. Desserts had brought them together, he thought fondly. Hiding the engagement ring in one seemed oddly fitting.
He was walking to the bedroom to retrieve the ring when his phone buzzed.
“Hey, love,” Ed greeted giddily, nerves buzzing with excitement. “On your way home? Dinner’s almost ready.”
“I’m so sorry, darling. I’m still at the client’s. This meeting just won’t end!”
Ed pouted.
"It's alright," he said, trying not to let his disappointment bleed through the connection. "I’ll wait.”
“No, no. I don’t really know how much longer this will take,” Stede sighed. “You go ahead. I’ll have a bite when I get home.”
"Stede–"
"Fuck! Break's over. I'll see you later, darling!"
Fuck, indeed. Best laid plans of mice and men and all that bullshit. Goddammit.
Ed finished icing Stede’s cupcake, leaving the rest undecorated so he didn’t accidentally mix them up.
There was nothing left to do but wait.
Ed watched listlessly as the hours ticked by. Two and a half hours and Stede still wasn’t home.
He watched as the pasta grew cold, slowly coagulating into an unappetizing lump. The arugula had gone completely limp and gray. Only the salmon looked half-decent.
Ed stared at the cupcake sitting next to Stede’s wine glass. At least that one would stay fresh.
It was nearly one in the morning when Stede walked into the apartment. The client had insisted on taking them out to dinner after the grueling meeting, and he simply couldn’t say no.
He was taking his coat off by the doorway when he finally noticed: dozens and dozens of roses and tulips decorating their living space, tea light candles snuffed out.
Untouched dinner on the kitchen table, cold.
Stede felt his heart clench. Ed had planned something special and he had ruined it. Not for the first time he wondered if he should just let Ed go, give the man a chance to find someone who really deserved him.
Sudden panic had him sprinting to their bedroom, desperate to check. Ed was in bed, sleeping, lying peacefully on his side. He hadn’t even changed into his night clothes.
Stede walked back to the kitchen. He should put dinner away, at least, salvage what he could of Ed’s efforts.
And then the cupcake caught his eye.
“Love?”
Stede had just stored the last of the undecorated cupcakes into an airtight container when the sleepy voice floated towards him.
“Hi, darling.”
Sleep-warm arms pulled him into an embrace.
“I missed you so much.”
“Sorry,” Stede whispered. “I’m really sorry.”
Ed shook his head, pulled him into a kiss.
Stede tasted lovely, all soft and warm and sweet as frosting–
"Stede," Ed leaned back to look at him. "Did you… did you eat the cupcake?"
"I did," he smiled guiltily. "I couldn’t help it. You know how I am with dessert.”
"You… you ate the cupcake?! All of it?!"
Ed burst into tears.
"Oh no, darling, I'm sorry," Stede reached for Ed's hand but he kept stepping back, trying to wave away Stede's apologies.
"It's fine," he gurgled. "I'm just… just give me a minute."
Ed closed the bathroom door behind him and cried.
Stede was going to leave him.
Ed wiped uselessly at his tears. All he wanted was to do something good for the person he loved, but he couldn’t even manage that.
And now Stede had unknowingly swallowed his engagement ring–
"Oh my god. Oh my fucking– Ed? Ed, what the– can you come out here please, darling?"
Stede's panicked voice pulled Ed slightly back from the edge. He could imagine what it all looked like from the other man's perspective, coming home tired from work only to watch his boyfriend have a crying breakdown over a cupcake.
Fucking get it together, Teach.
"Ed?" Stede sounded like he was sniffling softly, and fuck if that doesn't break Ed's heart. "Please, darling."
So this was it then. This entire thing with Stede had been a dream come true. Maybe it was time to wake up.
Ed stepped out of the bathroom quietly, head down and unwilling to look at the blond.
"Ed, is this–" Stede's voice wobbled. "What is this?"
In his hand sat a small, velvet box – one that Ed was intimately familiar with.
"Where did you–"
"It was on my pillow." Stede was clearly fighting back tears and losing badly.
Ed took the box from his outstretched hand and opened it. Inside, the ring sparkled, still as breath-taking as the man it was meant for.
"I know I've cocked it all up," Ed began, tears streaming down his face again as he got down on one knee. "And sometimes I don't know how you put up with me… no, love, really, let me finish. I just… I'm not sure what I did to get this lucky."
Ed sniffled. This had to be the worst proposal of all time but fuck it. There was nothing left to do but keep going.
"I love you, Stede Bonnet. I love you and… and you can say no, of course, but I really hope you don't, but like, no pressure, and fuck oh my god I'm losing it–"
Stede started wailing. He dropped to his knees in front of Ed and was wailing like a banshee.
"Ed," he said between hiccups. "Of course I'll marry you."
"Yes?"
They fell into each other, crying and laughing and then crying again. It took almost half an hour for them to calm down, wiping tears and snot off their faces.
"Give me your hand, love."
Finally.
Ed slid the ring onto Stede's finger – a perfect fit.
"I'm sorry, darling," Stede murmured quietly into his fiancé's hair.
The adrenaline rush from the proposal was slowly ebbing away, leaving them basking in the sweet afterglow. Now, tangled naked in bed, Stede felt a pang of regret for letting work derail Ed's meticulous planning.
"What's that?" Ed was clearly fighting off sleep, trying to listen to his beloved.
"I'm sorry I ruined dinner."
Ed shot up, the sudden movement almost throwing Stede off the bed.
"Love," Ed said, a little too solemnly, "you didn't ruin anything. I just… I thought…"
And then he was laughing, unable to stop even as Stede eyed him warily. Only them, of course. No other couple on earth could make the simplest things this complicated.
"I thought," he managed to continue after a while, "that you swallowed the ring. Because I was supposed to put it inside the cupcake."
"Good thing you forgot, then," Stede sniffed haughtily. "I'm not wearing a poop ring."
"You… Stede Bonnet." Ed's huge brown eyes were staring intently at him. "Are you telling me you'll refuse a perfectly good ring just because it came out of your asshole?"
"I'm…"
"Our engagement ring. I don't believe this. Do you even love me?"
"Well," Stede stumbled, unsure how best to answer. "Would you?"
"I would wear it more if it came out of your asshole. Because I love you."
Stede had no choice but to pull Ed into a kiss. This ridiculous man. He was going to spend the rest of his life with this ridiculous man and enjoy every single second of it.
"When did you even have the time to plan all this," Stede asked when they finally broke apart for air. "We're together all the time."
"I got some help."
Stede raised an eyebrow.
"I may owe a few people a few favors," Ed admitted sheepishly. "I promised Lucius I'd pose for him."
"Edward!" Stede looked scandalized, eyes wider than saucers. "Lucius only does nudes!"
Ed grimaced.
"He did say it was going to be… tasteful?"
"That man wouldn't know tasteful if it bit his finger off. Tasteful, my fucking ass."
"Love… are you jealous?"
"I am not," Stede protested a little too loudly. "I just… I'm still processing the idea of Lucius seeing your good bits."
"Good… wow."
"That's not what I meant."
"Right."
"That's not…"
"Won't wear my poop ring, only wants me for my dick. I see how it is."
"Oh, shut up. You'll end up in Pete's wank folder, mark my words."
Ed kissed Stede's grumbling quiet, languidly toying with the blond's curls. His eyes were warm and soft.
"I'm yours, love. Heart and soul and good bits. All yours."
"Always?"
"Forever."