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It burns.
It burns, it burns, it burns – stupid, Ness thought, rubbing at his eyes to no avail as he stumbled through the hallway, stupid, stupid, stupid, why would I be so stupid –
Eyes still shut, his shoulder awkwardly collided with the wall adjacent to the bathroom door as Ness attempted to blindly enter. Ness made no noise but a small, pained grunt which escaped him regardless of how well disciplined he had been, and staggered to the right a few paces until the automatically sliding door finally recognized his presence and admitted him.
It burns. It burns. It burns. It burns. It–
Still unable to open his eyes beyond a quick and painful squint every few seconds, the alcohol tearing into them no matter how hard his inadvertent tears tried to remove it, Ness stupidly felt around along the wall for some sense of direction until he finally – thank God, finally – made his way over to the sinks. He had to ungracefully slap the counter in front of him until his hand finally found the faucet, and in a desperate attempt to free himself of the searing pain Ness cupped his hands under the cold water and frantically splashed it on his face in the desperate search for some relief.
“Uh, you okay?”
Ness’ hands were petrified immediately.
No.
Not that voice.
Anyone but that voice.
Ness couldn’t see anything as he’d entered the bathroom, but it was so late at night he just assumed that it would be vacant. He hadn’t heard the other sink running, or the shuffling of feet, or–
“Ness?”
–Or Yoichi fucking Isagi.
Ness’ eyes still burned, but his hands dripped from his face and slammed onto the metallic counter on either side of the sink, his nails almost breaking as he all but scratched the hard material as if he suddenly grew claws. Of course it was fucking Yoichi; he was quite literally the last person Ness wanted to see, quite literally the reason for the pain he was in now, and Ness felt his jaw tightening in white hot, jealous distaste as he gripped the counter with an inhuman force, muttering curses in his head and feeling his heartbeat accelerate as the desire to rip that stupid clown to shreds burned and burned and–
And then the stupid clown was next to him, poking his arm like he was dead and Yoichi was hoping for some kind of twitch. And Ness didn’t look up from the sink, but flinched at the contact. Yoichi, too, seemed to pause at this, taking note. Ness wanted him in the ground . But Yoichi, oblivious, said with what must have been morbid curiosity instead of true concern: “Dude, you good?”
Ness bit down on his tongue and swore he tasted blood. He must have been shaking. By now, his burning eyes felt like just another embodiment of the hatred that was suffocating him, gripping every nerve in his body and twisting it and blaming all of the pain on the boy who stood before him. Ness forgot that he was crying (ridiculous bodily response), but hid his face from his teammate for other reasons, unspoken. “Go away, Yoichi.”
Ness couldn’t see, he wouldn’t dare look at him, but Yoichi narrowed his eyes and frowned. Yes, he was quite the intuitive clown – or just a nosy one. More likely the latter, because the other boy roughly grabbed Ness by the shoulder and twisted his body away from the sink so Yoichi could get a good look at his face. Ness, again, flinched like a wounded animal at the physical contact, and was caught so off-guard by it he did not have a chance to slink away or hide his eyes before Yoichi saw. Ness could still barely open his eyes, but behind a blurry lens of champagne and salt, even he realized the way Yoichi’s expression dropped.
“Oh my Go–”
“Is your translator broken?” Ness snapped, slapping Yoichi’s hand away viciously. Just die already. “I said go away.”
This is your fault.
Why does he even like you so much?
You’re nothing.
You’re nothing.
I’ll kill you.
“I was about to brush my teeth, actually,” Yoichi retorted, and as Ness blinked away more tears despite the pain he did, in fact, see the other’s toothbrush and toothpaste sitting on the counter one sink down, “so no can do.” Ness turned away, certain that any response he had to that would get him thrown out of Blue Lock (and more likely into a prison), and bit his tongue again as if the taste of his own blood might ground him, calm him–
And then he felt something soft bump against his shoulder. Ness was still struggling to see, and the champagne was becoming sticky in his eyelashes as he tried to turn and identify the foreign object, but he felt his throat contort as he realized what was happening: Yoichi, stubbornly looking in the opposite direction and sticking his arm out as stiff as a dead tree branch, was handing him a towel.
Ness, eyes half-closed and puffy, just stared.
“What the hell is that?”
Ness could practically feel Yoichi’s discomfort radiating off of him, which offered some twisted form of solace. “A towel,” Yoichi muttered.
“...Obviously.”
“Why’d you ask, then?” Yoichi’s arm was still extended, the towel was still untouched.
“I–” Ness’ blood in his mouth threatened to spill over his lip, already torn from earlier outside of Kaiser’s room, so he closed it and swallowed. “I meant, what are you doing , little Yoichi?” He emphasized the ‘little’ because he knew Yoichi hated it, and sure enough, an irritated groan echoed off of the bathroom walls.
“Giving you a towel. Obviously ,” he mimicked. Ness scowled.
Just curl up and die already.
Maybe Kaiser would finally forget about you if you did.
When Ness didn’t say anything, too busy crafting murderous fantasies in his head, Isagi sighed, annoyed, and added, “Just take it, okay? Don’t make it weird.”
Ness tried to side-eye him but was only met with a stabbing, scorching pain as he tried to move his eyes, met only with the stubborn remnants of Kaiser’s drink which continued to torment him. Yoichi must have seen the way Ness’ body involuntarily twisted with the unpleasant sensation, because Ness heard the shuffling of feet as the other boy – also involuntarily – got one step closer. It’s as if instinct took over, and Yoichi forgot who Ness was for a moment; somehow, all he saw before him was a teammate suffering. And because Yoichi was kind, he couldn’t ignore it.
Such a saint, aren’t you? Ness sneered internally, not realizing he was biting his lip again. What a caring teammate. You make me sick, you–
And then the sink in between them was turned on, and, rubbing at his eyes once more, Ness squinted to see that Yoichi was silently wetting the towel with cold water. He still wouldn’t meet his eyes; in fact, he was quite blatantly looking in the other direction like a girl with a crush.
Pathetic.
But that’s not what Ness said, what Ness said went against every violent thought that was gripping his mind, every red hot shred of jealousy that tore his chest and his lungs, every ounce of pure hatred for Yoichi which must have been bubbling over any second now – no, instead of any of those things, in a soft voice very few had ever heard Ness asked, genuinely: “What are you doing?”
“Shut up,” Isagi said to the wall. “If you’re not going to do it yourself, just shut up.”
“I thought I told you to leave.”
“And I thought I told you I have to brush my fucking teeth, and you reek of alcohol. Here,” Yoichi added, once again shoving the towel in Ness’ direction. This time, it hit him in the middle of his torso, producing an icy and embarrassing wet spot until Ness had no choice but to rip it from Yoichi’s hands. A smart move on Yoichi’s part to get him to take the towel, but Ness would never admit it.
Ness didn’t say anything, he just glared to the best of his ability even though his eyes still felt as if Kaiser had put out a cigarette in them, as if to say this doesn’t change anything about us. You’re still dead to me, Yoichi Isagi.
Silently and reluctantly, Ness brought the wet towel to his face and wiped at the champagne, still painting his cheeks and drying in his hair. He dabbed his eyes carefully, letting the alcohol gradually be cried out like debris as his natural defenses were aided by the coolness of the water, and Ness hated to admit how nice it felt – soothing, peaceful. Finally , some relief.
Ness didn’t even realize he was sniffling, but the alcohol must have irritated him more than he thought as his nose started to run just as the tears began to retreat. Luckily, though his vision was all but back to normal, and the burning was only a dull, lingering ache which served more as a reminder that it happened than anything else. He didn’t dare lift his head, didn’t dare let Yoichi see him like this any more than he already had.
You ought to be ashamed, he could practically hear Kaiser telling him, still can’t handle your alcohol, can you? How pathetic.
Shut up, Ness said back, in a perfect world where he was allowed to speak, shut up–
Wait, no – Oh God, he corrected, Kaiser, I’m so sorry. I’m so sorry, I didn’t mean it, please forgive me–
“Ness?” Yoichi again? What could he possibly want now–
“What?” Ness snapped with venom, and it wasn’t the usual kind that he could deliver with a smile. This one was hurt . Realizing, suddenly, he still held the towel in his hands, Ness shoved it back at the other boy without another word, assuming that must have been the only reason Yoichi was still speaking to him.
Yoichi took the cloth back without a word, eyes studying Ness like he was another puzzle to be solved– Don’t look at me with those eyes, he wanted to say, Don’t think you know the first thing about me–
“Look, I know you probably hate my guts–”
Oh, you have no idea.
“–but even you deserve a lot better than him.”
Oh.
Ness felt something rising in his chest, into his throat, disgusting, disgusting emotions he thought he’d gotten rid of. He was quiet for a moment, and so was Yoichi. Neither of them looked at each other. Surprising himself, Ness was the one to speak first. “You don’t know what you’re talking about.”
Yoichi, holding his toothbrush but not doing anything else, looked down at it just so he wouldn’t have to face Ness directly. “Don’t I?”
“No,” Ness said, and he didn’t even know why he was still standing here, “you don’t.”
“It’s him, isn’t it?”
“You don’t know what you’re talking about, Yoichi,” Ness repeated.
“I’m just saying, I–”
“ Why can’t you just shut –”
“It’s Kaiser, isn’t it–?”
Ness wasn’t thinking as he lunged forward, hands balled into fists and eyes still bloodshot but slowly healing. He wasn’t thinking as he grabbed Yoichi by the collar of his shirt, trembling violently, as he raised a hand and prepared to strike, prepared to kill –
Yoichi’s eyes were round, he didn’t have any time to react. He only looked up at Ness, who glared daggers back at him, furious and envious and, worst of all, truthfully and pathetically sad. His face was uncharacteristically twisted, ugly, showcasing a side of Ness Yoichi had never seen before and instantly felt the danger of.
Ness waited for his fist to meet skin, to feel the crunch of a bone. The darker parts of him yearned for it.
Yoichi waited, too, and shut his eyes.
It never came.
Ness abruptly returned to his senses, to his sacred and valued rationality, and immediately realized what he’d done.
You let your emotions control you again, said Kaiser, buried somewhere inside him.
So pathetic.
His arm, the one raised towards Yoichi’s head, fell limp at his side as Ness loosened his grip on Yoichi’s shirt. Seizing the opportunity of his attacker wallowing in a daze, Yoichi shook himself free and backed up a couple paces to err on the side of caution. Ness’ eyes glazed over, and the world around him lost focus as he hung his head and listened to the ringing in his ears for any semblance of Kaiser’s voice.
Stupid. Stupid. Stupid.
Stupid dog.
I shouldn’t even bother keeping you around.
Not when I have Yoichi.
“What the hell?!” Yoichi exclaimed, raising his arms defensively as if Ness was going to lunge at him again. Fear laced his eyes, but deep down they both knew he wouldn’t. “You’re crazy! Were you seriously about to punch me? God, and here I was trying to–”
“It was my fault,” Ness murmured, flexing his fingers as he blinked the last of the water away. His face was still cool from the towel, Yoichi’s towel. “I deserved it.”
“What?!” Yoichi snapped back, still obviously and rightfully confused, but Ness ached too much to be concerned with the fashion he was yapping in. And then Yoichi realized, and he calmed– “Oh,” he said aloud, “you mean… with Kaiser?”
Ness gave up trying to avoid the fact that Isagi already knew the both of them that well, and didn’t deny it. “I deserved it,” he repeated.
Yoichi, still a safe distance away, groaned and rolled his eyes as he realized his toothbrush had fallen to the ground after Ness grabbed him. He pinched the bridge of his nose, not even bothering to pick it up, not with Ness in the same room as him. “Yeah, no, you might be a nutjob, but I highly doubt anyone deserves to get – what is that, some kind of champagne? – splashed in their face. Well, except probably Kaiser himself, but–”
Ness felt rage flood through his veins again and had to consciously restrain himself from actually punching Yoichi – “Oh, shut up. I told you, you don’t understand.”
Yoichi crossed his arms, disbelieving. “Yeah? What don’t I understand, Ness, that the prince of München is kind of a prick?”
“Shut up!”
“ You shut up!”
“You should be lucky, ” Ness spat, “to have his attention the way you do. I made a mistake, I was stupid, so I deserved to be punished.”
“You got a drink splashed in your face, idiot.”
“ You’re the idiot–”
“Oh, yeah, I’m sorry I’m not apt to riding Kaiser’s dick but–”
“Shut your mouth!”
“Make me, little boy –”
The nickname from their game against Manshine made Ness’ blood boil, and he hid his face so he wouldn’t have to look at Yoichi. His nails dug into the counter again, and he swore that he scratched it this time. He didn’t respond immediately, and Yoichi seemed to mistakenly take that as a victory as he finally bent down to pick up his toothbrush, sighing and placing it back on the counter to throw away later. He looked at Ness again, waiting for a response. Ness was biting his lip.
“You’re blessed,” Ness let out after a moment, still looking down. “He chose you, and you don’t even realize it.” He clenched his teeth, hating every word that escaped from his mouth. “I’ve never seen him like this before.”
Yoichi bit; he was intrigued. “Like what?”
“This determined to crush someone.”
Yoichi paused. “...And I’m supposed to be grateful that he keeps trying to destroy me?”
“Yes,” Ness answered without a second thought, the loneliness boring into his soul. He wanted Kaiser to see him like the way he saw Yoichi. “You should be grateful that he looks at you.”
Yoichi thought for a moment before speaking, and Ness could tell he was taking in his tone. Ness knew he didn’t sound like himself, he was much too human. It reminded him of how Kaiser used to be, how he would let his walls down around Ness and Ness alone years ago when things were different. When Ness was still enough for him.
“What do you see in him?” Yoichi asked, looking at Ness out of the corner of his eyes, and the question was not accusatory or demeaning but wholly and totally genuine . It sounded so different from the way other people would say it when they asked Ness that question, and although he wanted to see Yoichi Isagi burning at the stake, he could appreciate that much.
Exactly because it was so genuine, because somewhere, somewhere obscure and deep and forgotten, Yoichi might have even cared, Ness could not bring himself to answer.
I love him.
I don’t care if he uses me, as long as I’m his.
“I know we don’t get along,” Yoichi said quietly when he realized Ness wasn’t going to answer, “but seriously, you don’t need to let him throw you around like that. I–” and then his frown wavered as if these next words were literally forced out of him, “–I can’t believe I’m saying this, but you’re an incredible player on your own, Ness. I might just look up to you if you weren’t such a dick,” he added, but while there was annoyance in it there was no malice in Yoichi’s tone. If Ness had looked closer, he might have even seen the beginnings of a smile. Just barely.
And yet: “Mind your own business, Yoichi,” Ness said defensively, afraid to let his teammate get any closer. No, afraid to let Yoichi Isagi, the person he hated more than anything in the world, the person who was coming between him and the only person who’d ever loved him, the person who was ruining everything Ness had so carefully cultivated, any closer.
You don’t know anything.
You don’t know me.
You don’t know what you’re talking about.
“Look, don’t run into the shared bathroom with Kaiser’s drink in your eyes and expect me to mind my own business .”
“Oh, fuck you.”
Much to Ness’ dismay, Yoichi didn’t retreat, rather he seemed to be in whatever this was for the long haul as he jumped and seated himself on the bathroom counter, back to the mirror as he swung his legs back and forth over the edge. That’s right , Ness remembered joyfully, I forget you’re so short. “Seriously,” Yoichi said, and Ness wondered why he didn’t just leave, “what do you see in him?”
Ah, so he wouldn’t be letting this go. Fine.
“This was only because I made a mistake,” Ness sighed, referring to the drink in his face. “He’s… he can be kind. He’s not always like this.”
You made him like this, he almost added, but for some reason, he didn’t.
Yoichi had the audacity to almost laugh . “Kaiser? Kind ? Seriously?”
“You don’t know him like I do, Yoichi,” Ness retaliated, looking at his face directly for the first time – it was more of a brag than an argument, a subtle reminder that, no matter how far Kaiser’s silly infatuation went, Ness had known him longer. Ness had belonged to him for much longer. He tried to tell himself that, too, but–
“Oh do tell me, then,” Yoichi interrupted his thoughts, “what a sweetheart Michael Kaiser can be.”
Ness glared. “It’s Mi-hya-el. ”
Yoichi seemed clueless. “What? That’s what I said.”
“No, you didn’t. Say it again.”
Ah, he knew, Ness realized, he definitely knew. That was a shit-eating expression looking back at him. “ Ma-i-khul .”
“No. Mihyael. ”
“ Maikhul. ”
“ Mihyael .”
“Right, Maikhul.”
“You’re doing this on purpose, Yoichi.”
“Am I? No, that’s his name, right?”
“Oh my God , this is why I hate you, you–”
“If you hate me so much, why are you smiling?”
Oh, no.
Ness hadn’t even realized. His lips immediately flattened, horrified with their own forgetfulness. “I wasn’t.”
“You were,” Yoichi pointed out mercilessly.
Ness waited, hoping that if he didn’t say anything more Yoichi would forget about it. How could he have been so careless? What would Kaiser say? “He’s kind,” Ness said again, but it didn’t sound as convincing. “And–And beautiful.” So beautiful, that was just a fact. “You don’t have to see it, but I do.”
“Yeah, with a winning personality to boot.”
Oh God, Ness almost smiled. Again.
“There, I saw it!” Yochi barked, immediately catching on as if that was his goal all along, the bastard–
“Shut up! You didn’t,” Ness asserted, but even he’d felt it that time. “Don’t you dare talk about Kaiser like that–”
“And while we’re on the subject, sure, he’s got a pretty face, but beautiful is a stretch with that haircut–”
“Shut up before you say something you’ll regret, Yoichi!”
“Look me in my eyes,” Yoichi challenged, leaning forward so that Ness had no choice, “and tell me that’s a good haircut.”
“He’s beautiful, Yoichi.”
“Have you seen those bangs, Ness?”
No comment.
“The edges, Ness.”
Still, no comment. Ness already felt his face betraying him.
“Ness, please tell me those are not double rat tails going down his back–”
“Fine, fine!” Ness caved, putting his face in his hands to hide his expression because he knew it would give Yoichi the wrong idea. This was all stupid, that he wasn’t absolutely furious right now was stupid, that he was actually having a conversation with Yoichi Isagi was stupid– “It’s bad, it’s bad , I know. But listen, he’s just –”
“No, no, don’t even say it,” Yoichi laughed, and, the little asshole, he was grinning, “don’t even try and defend it. Seriously, how does that happen ? Kitchen scissors or copious amounts of alcohol, I need to know.”
Ness wasn’t thinking at all. That must have been the only explanation, he wasn’t thinking so he didn’t have Kaiser’s melodic voice in his telling him good dog, bad dog, and Ness could just speak , and he answered sheepishly: “...Both?”
“Oh. My God–”
“I tried to stop him, I really did–!”
“And what did he say the next morning?!”
Ness had no control over his face anymore, and so the smile came undetected to him. “He looked at me and said, hey, I think I was onto something here .”
“Oh my God–”
“It looked so much worse back then, Yoichi, it wasn’t even blue–”
“Nobody told him?!”
“Of course not!” Ness said it as if it were obvious, he said it so flippantly and so it was easy to go on: “I mean, if you’d told Kaiser that–”
Oh.
If you’d told Kaiser that–
Ah, there it is . Ness swallowed.
He knew.
He knew exactly what would happen if he’d told Kaiser that. What would happen if he spoke out against Kaiser, even for something trivial. Even for something stupid and comical like that, he knew what would’ve happened. And as if they both remembered why Ness had stumbled into the bathroom in the first place at the exact same moment, Yoichi knew it, too.
“Look, you do deserve better,” Yoichi said, looking away because he knew Ness wouldn’t believe him. Of course, Ness didn’t, Ness couldn’t , no matter how many strange and unlikely smiles he and this person shared. “Really.”
Are you forgetting he’s stolen me from you? Kaiser asked, vocal again.
Shut up.
Do I mean that little to you, Ness?
Shut up.
And here I thought you were devoted.
Shut–
Perhaps I would’ve loved you, Ness.
And Ness paused his rebellion.
Right, Ness had let his guard down.
Ness had forgotten the dehumanizing burdens that came with being Ness.
And he’d let Yoichi – Yoichi Isagi – get far too close. What an idiot he was, Ness knew that, but no matter how much he regretted it the damage was done. All he could do was bite his lip until it bled and hope that that pain would distract from this one.
Idiot.
Idiot, idiot, idiot.
“No,” he responded. “You wouldn’t understand, Yoichi.”
And at that Yoichi looked defeated, which almost made Ness smile. But his chest felt hollow, carved out and replaced with magnificent blue roses that no one had warned him came with thorns – it was empty, and lonely, but the flowers made sure there was no room left for another. Not even for Ness himself, and he had been foolish enough to forget that even for one blissful moment.
“Ness, listen, I thought we–”
Don’t forget, Ness, Kaiser taunted as if he knew that. You’re mine, until I destroy you, too.
Yoichi was the first person in years who smiled at him like that.
Ness cut him off and left without a word.