Chapter Text
And everybody was gone
I was standing in the street because I was trying not to crack
I was solid gold, I was in the fight
I was coming back from what seemed like a ruin
I couldn't see you coming so far
I just turn around and there you are
I'm so surprised you want to dance with me now
I was just getting used to living life without you around
- Pink Rabbits, The National
Steve
Steve doesn't expect Bucky to come and find him. It's pretty ironic that in the end, no matter how much searching he did, he could have just stayed inside for weeks and stared at his red-white-and-blue walls. He still wishes Tony had been joking about that.
He's near the end of his evening running route when Bucky steps into his path, wearing battered civilian clothes. The set of his shoulders, the shuttered expression, the arm - none of it is Bucky. But the eyes are.
Steve doesn't say anything. He can't.
Bucky looks at him, through him; doesn't meet his eyes. "I know you."
"Yeah," Steve says slowly, forcing words out through a throat that has just closed up. "You know me."
Bucky nods jerkily, and produces a gun from somewhere. He offers it to Steve, handle first. "Asset reporting for debrief," he says.
Steve doesn’t know what else to do. He takes it.
*
They have nowhere else to go, so he takes Bucky back to Stark Tower. To his surprise, JARVIS just says "Welcome, Sergeant Barnes," and unlocks the door. He'd half-expected Tony to immediately lock everything down, but Tony is always exceeding his expectations. He feels a pang of guilt about that, but pushes it down. He can deal with it later.
They get to his floor. Bucky hasn't said a word since Steve took his gun from him, staring straight ahead. He doesn't flinch at JARVIS' disembodied voice. He barely breathes.
The doors open silently, and Steve steps onto his floor, suddenly self-conscious about the huge rooms decked out in patriotic colours. He rubs the back of his neck, uncomfortable, and gestures to the guest room door.
“So...this can be yours. I'm right across the corridor.” Bucky looks at him, still standing in the lift. “Is that okay?” Nothing. “Do you want to come in?” Nothing. Steve changes tack. “Please come inside, Bucky.” He immediately steps out of the lift to join Steve at the doorway to the guest room. Steve gestures inside, towards the bedroom. “This is yours, Buck. You can stay here, with me, as long as you want.”
“The Asset does not have wants.”
It's the third sentence Bucky has said, and Steve swallows down a hot spike of rage and bile. He looks into Bucky's eyes and tells, him as firmly as he can: “You're not 'the asset'. You're my friend.” He reaches out to clasp his shoulder, and there is an odd moment, as if Bucky has done the opposite of flinching. Steve drops his hand without touching him. “And I'm not going to hurt you.”
Bucky looks away. Steve takes a breath. “I'm going to call a friend. I'll be right back.” He steps out into the corridor, then turns back. “This room is yours. You can decide what you do in it. I won't stop you.”
Bucky is still for a moment, then slowly closes his door.
Steve goes to his room and calls Sam, who is surprisingly calm. "So, you're telling me he just showed up?"
"Yeah, while I was running. He stepped out of nowhere and kinda...surrendered to me."
“How is he?"
Steve hesitates, then goes for the truth. "I don't know. He isn't really reacting to anything, or speaking much. He only does things when I tell him to, like coming inside. And I think he's scared, of everything. He thought I was going to hit him."
Sam is quiet. When he speaks again, he's using the same voice he has at VA meetings. "Steve, you need to know that there might not be enough of him left to be a person. He might not ever recover. And," his voice becomes sterner suddenly, “he might still be trying to take you out.”
“No. He is in there, he recognised me; and I know he pulled me out of the Potomac. He's just - ” Steve swallows. “- lost.”
"You've seen what he can do; hell, we all did. How do you know he isn't still following HYDRA's orders to kill you?”
“He's had plenty of opportunities to do it in the last hour,” Steve points out. “My back's to the door right now.”
“Listen, you don't know what's going on in his head-”
“No, I don't. And neither do you. But he's my best friend, and I'm not abandoning him again.”
There's a beat where he can tell Sam's only putting this to one side for later, and makes a mental note to brace himself for a serious discussion soon. “Okay. You still at the Tower?"
"Yeah."
"Does Stark know?"
Steve closes his eyes. Tony has read the Winter Soldier files as well, including the Stark “car crash.” “I think JARVIS probably told him.” He hears the shower in the guest room start up, which is encouraging. And it reminds him he's still in sweaty running clothes. “Listen, I'm gonna go clean up. Can you...I mean, you don't have to, I know you're busy, but--”
“Dude, you literally just told me you've got your back to a known super-assassin whose last orders were to kill you. I'm getting the next flight to NYC. Besides, I got some old friends I want to see.”
The relief is more intense than he'd expected. “Thanks.”
“Be careful.” Sam hangs up.
Steve runs a hand through his hair, turning towards the en suite. He still can't get used to a bedroom at least double the size of his SHIELD apartment, never mind the rundown old place he and Bucky used to share. And the bathroom is something else entirely, covered with granite and glass and chrome.
The shower is a thing of beauty, but it does nothing to ease the tension in Steve's back and shoulders. He stands under the hot spray until his fingers start to wrinkle and thinks about Bucky, about the words in the Winter Soldier file. Asset resists conditioning. Asset insubordinate, Asset disciplined. Asset healing limits unknown. Asset to be wiped frequently. Asset successfully reprogrammed.
A pile of grey powder appears by his feet and he realises he's punched through the wall. Sighing, he makes a mental note to patch it and turns the water off.
He pulls on some sweatpants before starting some coffee. Bucky's shower is still running after almost an hour. He pads down the hallway. “Bucky?” No response, but Steve is rapidly getting used to that. He knocks on the door, then listens, the first cold prickling of panic beginning to form in his stomach. “Bucky, it's Steve. Can I come in?”
The water continues running, so Steve gives in and enters, opening the door to the en suite. Bucky is sitting fully clothed on the floor, soaked through. The steam is incredibly hot, hotter than Steve knew showers could get, and Bucky's face is red with it. His eyes are far away.
Remembering what happened last time he tried to touch him, Steve turns the water off and goes to sit in front of the man on the floor. “Bucky, I need you to come back to me. Please.” He blinks. “Yeah, that's it. You're with me, you're with Steve. Focus on my voice. I'm sorry I came in. I needed to check you were okay. Come back to me.”
Bucky suddenly gasps for breath, looking dazed, like he's just woken up. He looks at his hands, at his wet clothes. Then he stands and leaves the room without a second glance.
When Steve follows, Bucky has stripped completely and is standing naked in the middle of the room, sodden clothing in a corner, along with several knives. He's avoiding Steve's eyes again. “Dry clothing is necessary for optimal performance.”
Steve nods and clears his throat, resolutely not looking at the way that Bucky has broadened in the shoulders and through his chest, the way his bones stick out too much, the scars where the metal arm connects. “You can borrow mine for now. We’ll order you some stuff online later,” he says, belatedly realising that Bucky has literally nothing else than the clothes and weapons he came with. “And,” he adds, “We'll eat, too.”
As it turns out, they never get to online shopping. Steve coaxes Bucky to sit at the kitchen table, and keeps up a stream of casual chatter about trivialities while he makes mac'n'cheese. “Eat,” he says, then winces when he realises how much it sounds like an order.
Bucky eats the whole plate and promptly throws up on the floor. Steve goes to get the mop, but Bucky has disappeared into his room by the time he comes back.