Work Text:
If Eddie is being honest with himself, which he strives to be lately, he’s more than a little distracted when Buck walks into his home.
So of course, old habits die hard and all, he jokes to deflect from the fact that he really likes Buck coming over in loose sweatpants.
“Here you go sir.” He sets the glass down in front of Buck and rounds the counter to continue making Christopher’s lunch for the next day.
Eddie was expecting Buck to ask questions, but it was still unexpected when the other man looks at him and asks, “Hey what do you remember about getting shot?”
He stands there and thinks for a moment. Should he tell Buck he remembers waking up in the ambulance scared beyond belief when he saw Buck covered in blood?
Eddie fiddles with the lunch meat in his hands as he decides that no, his love confessions wasn’t what the other man was looking for. Buck was looking to him for a little bit of guidance in the whole ‘I almost died for real’ department.
So he shuts down the part of him that just wants to tell Buck what he really means to him and replies more generally.
“There was this searing pain. It felt like I got hit by a bus, but I was still standing. And then I remember falling and everything got dark. And I thought ‘this is it; this is the last moment of my life’.” He pauses and looks up at those pretty blue eyes that seem so open and vulnerable and looks back down to strengthen his resolve. “And then I woke up in the hospital.”
“And that was it?”
Eddie panics a little, there’s no way he knew right? He couldn’t know the crushing fear he’d had in that ambulance, not for his own life, but for Bucks. “That was it. No bright white lights, no trippy mind puzzles. Just thought I was dead and then I wasn’t.”
Eddie sets down the package in his hands, deciding to take the spotlight off him before he said something too revealing. “So now am I allowed to ask how you are?”
“Honestly I, uh, I don’t know.” He has too look away from the vulnerable look on Buck’s face. The man had no right to have this much control over Eddie.
“You died Buck, you're gonna feel a lot of different ways about that.” He pushes away the voice telling him to tell Buck how him dying had made Eddie feel; the way he couldn’t even look at Buck in that hospital bed because if he had it would’ve broken down every wall Eddie has left. If he tells Buck he could risk losing the man again after he just got him back and it wasn’t important to the topic at hand at the moment anyway.
“Sometimes all at the same time. I’ve found that the best way to process it is to allow yourself to feel it.” God he sounds like Frank, he thinks to himself.
“But you do eventually, right? You process it.”
Eddie’s heart breaks a little at the hopeful look in Buck’s eyes and he knows that even if you couldn’t, he would lie just to keep the other man happy.
Luckily, Eddie didn’t need to lie about this. “Every day you open your eyes in the morning and you feel a little less surprised that the world is still there.”
He starts gathering the leftover sandwich supplies to put back into their designated places, giving Buck a moment to let the words sink in.
It takes a few minutes before Buck speaks up again. “Hey Eds?”
Eddie finishes zipping up Christopher’s lunch box and turns to give the younger man his full attention. “Yeah?”
Buck looks down at his hand that’s currently curled around his water glass. “Are you sure that’s all you remember from getting shot?”
Eddie swallows and looks away from him. “Yeah, why do you ask?”
He feels Buck’s gaze on him as he determinedly stares down a crumb that has taken up residence on the counter. “When we were in the ambulance you…you returned to consciousness for a moment and asked me if I was hurt. I think it was because of the blood that splattered on me, but as soon as I assured you I was okay you passed out again. It was like you forced yourself to wake up just to check on me.” The younger man swallows and looks down. “I was just wondering if you really didn’t remember that.”
Eddie sighs. Lying again would be pointless, right? “I didn’t mention it because I didn’t think it was what you needed to hear, but yeah…I do remember waking up in the ambulance. I remember seeing you covered in blood and it scared me half to death.”
Buck looks surprised; whether it be because he didn’t think he remembered, or he didn’t think the older man would tell him, Eddie wasn’t sure.
“I remember seeing your mouth move. I couldn’t hear you, but I could read your lips and then everything went dark again.”
Eddie finally meets the other man’s eyes again to see him looking surprised, as well as another emotion Eddie couldn’t quite decipher. Sad, maybe?
Finally Buck looks down at his glass again. “I was so scared. I saw you fall and I didn’t realize what had happen but once I did…I was just so scared.”
He had whispered the last part and Eddie could see the beginning of tears in his eyes, so he rounds the counter and wraps the younger man in his arms.
“How do you think I felt when I found out your heart had stopped and all I could do was drive and hand you over to the doctors, hoping they knew what they were doing.” He blinks back tears of his own. Reliving the experience in his head definitely wasn’t fun, but it was Buck he was talking to and he wanted to be honest with him.
Buck sighs, pulling back a little to wipe at his own face before chuckling humorlessly. “Well we’re both messes, huh?”
Eddie would later blame the time of night or the two beers that he had downed after finding Buck fast asleep for what comes out of his mouth next. “Yeah, but you’re a hot mess at least.”
They both blush bright red and Eddie wants to slap himself. This was definitely not the time or place.
He starts to back away when suddenly he feels something against his mouth and it takes him a moment to realize it’s Buck’s lips.
Eddie panics, but gives in quickly, kissing the other man back.
When the younger man pulls away after a moment for air, they both stare at each other wide-eyed.
“Did we really just…” Buck trails off as his eyes flick down to Eddie’s lips.
“Yeah we did.” He replies breathlessly.
Buck’s eyes flick back up to Eddie’s, seemingly searching for something. “And you’re not mad? You don’t…regret it?”
Eddie’s brain comes back online enough to realize Buck is starting to panic and rushes forward to take Buck’s face in his hands.
“Hey, not at all. I’ve wanted to do that for a long time actually.” He can feel a flush creeping up his neck again.
Buck blinks and looks at him with a look of such open adoration and love that Eddie has to look away and focus on Buck’s cheekbone instead. “Really?”
“Really,” Eddie assures, returning his gaze to those big blue eyes.
“Are you sure?” Buck asks, a teasing gleam in his eyes.
Eddie rolls his eyes, although he’s sure the wide grin on his face does little to help fake annoyance.
“How about I just show you everything I’ve wanted to do?” He smirks as the younger man blushes.
“I wouldn’t…object to a presentation.”
Eddie chuckles and leans forward to kiss the man again.
They’d have a lot more to talk about in the morning, including how to explain this to the boy sleeping in the next room, but Eddie wasn’t worried. As long as he has his Buck, he could conquer anything.