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“The role of a Steward is ever-varied and never-ending,” said Vander. “We are no less than—”
“—retainers to divinity,” Framme and Clanne chorused unenthusiastically.
“We know, we know,” said one.
“But does that have to do with shoeing a horse?” said the other.
“Perhaps one day the Divine One will wish to ride a horse,” said Vander. “If that day comes...”
Odd. The twins were staring past him.
“Um,” said Clanne, pointing.
Vander turned around to find Alcryst, Second Prince of Brodia, standing there. At the sudden movement, the lad shrunk back, waving his hands around.
“Sorry, sorry...”
“What is it, your Highness?”
“I was asked to—I apologise for the interruption—um, bring you to... your, um, presence has been requested. At the Ring Chamber.”
“I see,” said Vander. Likely not a request from the Divine One: Alcryst would surely have led with that. “If it’s not urgent, allow me, say, ten minutes to conclude our Steward training here and—”
“It is.” Alcryst cleared his throat. “Urgent, that is. There’s a medical emergency... well, not really medical, but... well, it might be time sensitive? I’m so sorry for the interruption. But... it would probably be good if I took you there at once.”
Coming from Alcryst, that was pretty close to loud insistence.
“Right,” said Vander. He rose from his seat. “Framme, Clanne, we’ll have to cut this short. Put the nails back in the crate and make sure it’s properly closed, then... leisure time, I suppose. We’ll resume tomorrow at sunrise... Prince Alcryst, please, lead the way.”
“R-right.” Alcryst gestured and turned. “Let’s go...”
However, nothing was ever quite that simple with the 33rd Divine Stewards around.
“Wait up! We can help too!”
“Yeah, that’s right! Alcryst, you said it was a medical emergency, right? I know first aid!”
Alcryst looked like he’d swallowed a particularly unripe lemon. “Did I say that? I didn’t mean to— I mean, you must have misheard— oh no, I’m messing this up...”
Vander lowered his voice, asking, “I take it this isn’t for young eyes?” When Alcryst gulped and nodded, he went on: “Framme, Clanne, your initiative is appreciated, but you’re not needed for now. Why don’t you go... feed the animals.”
“No fair! Are you keeping secrets from us?”
“We’re Divine Stewards too! Come on, what’s going on? Prince Alcryst, you can tell us—”
It was at this exact moment that Yunaka stepped out from behind a tree, hands resting nonchalantly on her hips. The sheen of sweat on her brow was the only indication she hadn’t been there the entire time.
“Hey, hey, if it isn’t Clanne the pickle man! And Framme— okay, you need a fun name too, adding that to the old To Do List...” Yunaka swept towards the twin Stewards and tugged at their sleeves. “Perfect timing, you two. Come with me. I’m going ♬ shopping ♪ and I need your help.”
Framme glanced back at Vander. “But there’s a medical emergency—”
“I misspoke,” said an ashen-faced Alcryst.
“Ha!” said Yunaka. “The only medical emergency here is you pulling my funny bone, eh? Eh?... No, but seriously, let’s give these old men their space. There isn’t a single flank of beef in the whole Somniel and we’re fixing that this instant.”
The twins deflated a little.
“Well... can we get pizza while we’re out?” said Clanne.
“Ooh, pizza?” said Framme.
“Yippee, what a totally lit idea! You betcha we can get pizza! I love pizza,” said Yunaka. (She caught Vander’s eye and for a split second her face changed, as she mouthed with deathly coldness, no I don’t.) “It’ll be my treat!” (To Vander: Pay me back.)
Once Yunaka had whisked the twins away, Vander asked Alcryst what in the Divine Dragon’s name was going on.
“It’s... uh...” said Alcryst. “An Emblem ring, it uh... perhaps it’s better if you see for yourself.”
A medical not-emergency that Vander’s niece and nephew weren’t allowed to see...? Oh. Oh, no.
Grant me the strength. Vander squeezed his eyes shut and asked:
“Does this situation involve genitalia somehow?”
“Um, yes,” said Alcryst, face a little red. “Miss... Etie?... her, uh, appendage, it...”
“Your Highness, forgive my impropriety, but... is there an Emblem ring stuck on Etie’s cock?”
“I’m really sorry,” said Alcryst.
Boucheron had kindly dragged a few chairs into the Ring Chamber, so Etie and Alfred were able to at least sit down while they waited for Alcryst to return. Marth stood—as an Emblem, he no longer tired the way he had in his mortal life.
“I must say, you’re taking this all remarkably well, Marth,” said Boucheron.
“It’s little inconvenience to me. So long as I can fight by everyone’s side in the battles ahead, I am at ease.”
“Oh... Wise words.”
Alfred was refilling his and Etie’s teacups. With that done, he very carefully lowered the teapot back to the end table, then let go of it and dropped back into his seat with a relieved sigh.
“Bottoms up!” said Etie.
“Um, Etie,” said Alfred, “is that a... new teapot?”
“No, I... oh, wait, yeah, I took it to the blacksmith—”
All heads turned as the door swung open, and Vander marched into the room, followed by Alcryst.
Everyone spoke at once.
“Oh, hey, Vander! I had a training accident— well, not training, but—”
“I’m so very sorry for ruining your morning like this—”
“Hey, good to see you! Hypothetically, any idea how you would get an Emblem Ring unstuck from a cylinder—”
“Good morning, Vander.”
“For the record, this had nothing to do with me, I’m just here to serve tea—”
“Enough,” said Vander.
Everyone fell silent.
“Good morning to you too, Marth,” Vander said, and they exchanged respectful nods. “Prince Alcryst, your apologies are acknowledged, that’s enough for now— no, desist. Thank you for fetching me here... Boucheron, get the poor lad a seat and a drink, he looks like he’s about to faint.” He strode over to Alfred and Etie. “Now. You two...”
“Okay, wait, hear me out,” said Alfred. “So the cylinder is attached—”
“Etie, show me.”
Etie shifted to face Vander and hiked up her skirt.
Vander kept a level face as he inspected between her legs.
“Do you still have sensation in your... member?” he asked.
“Uh...” Poke. “Yep.”
“Any dizziness, shortness of breath?”
“Uh... I’m out of breath, but I’ve been holding this...”—she waved her teacup and saucer—“...for nearly five minutes.”
“How long ago?” he asked.
“Uh... about an hour after dawn?”
(It had been about forty minutes, Alcryst interjected, before apologising for the interjection.)
“I assume you’ve tried just...”—Vander paused, searching for the right words—“...pulling harder, or what have you...?”
“Yeah, of course,” said Etie. “The ring won’t budge. It’s, uh...”
“...somewhat girthy, yes.”
“I was gonna say muscular.”
“If Etie’s not able to just pull the ring off, no one can,” said Alfred. “She’s got amazing grip strength.”
“Undisputed thumb wrestling champion of the Florra Port Pub,” Etie proudly added. “I get so many free drinks.”
Vander cleared his throat. “Right, yes. Well, if you’re not in immediate danger... how in blazes did you end up with the Ring of the Hero King stuck on your member!?”
“Training accident,” said Etie.
“Training accident?” Vander scoffed. “I’m supposed to believe this fool idea, this... this utter blasphemy... is somehow related to training?”
Etie and Alfred exchanged glances.
“He sounds upset,” Alfred muttered.
“Yeah, no shit.” Etie turned to Vander and crossed her arms defiantly. “It was a training accident.”
Vander’s eyes narrowed.
“Emblem Marth?” he said.
“It is as Lady Etie says,” said Marth.
“...It just seemed like an inefficient use of time, right?” said Etie.
“Right,” agreed Alfred.
“And polishing is, like, fine precision work, it doesn’t really use any major muscle groups.”
“Indeed,” said Marth.
“And so Marth and me put our heads together, and we thought, how can we do this polishing thing and pump some iron at the same time?”
“I suggested she could squat while she polished,” said Marth.
“And I tried that for a bit and I was thinking about form—”
Boucheron’s sigh carried across the chamber. “Polishing the rings is only supposed to take two or three minutes, at most.”
“Yeah, if you’re half-assing it,” Etie retorted. “And unlike some people, I don’t do anything by halves... Anyway, where was I?”
“Pelvic floor muscles,” Marth prompted.
“Right. So Marth and I put our heads together, and, yeah, the pelvic floor! It’s hard to target with weights so it was a perfect opportunity to work that. Especially, because, ring shape, right?”
“Incredibly clever,” said Alfred.
“Yeah, exactly. Etie and Marth, workout geniuses.” Etie crossed her arms. “Frankly, I was a bit hurt when you called it a ‘fool idea’, Sir Vander.”
“Yeah, that was pretty hurtful,” said Alfred. “You can’t just say that to a noble.”
“A noble or a commoner,” Marth chided.
“Ah, right,” said Alfred, abashed. “You can’t just say that to a noble, or a commoner, or a... um... non-binary?...”
“Whoa, Vander, it’s cool, no need to cry!” said Etie. “Really, it’s fine, I’m not mad at you... Hey, Boucheron!, got a spare hankie?”
A short while later, Céline burst in, looking like she’d seen a ghost, and marched up to Alfred, asking, was he hurt?, was anything wrong?
Her relief at hearing that no, her brother was in perfectly good health, was short-lived: as she began to comprehend what was actually going on, her mood became fouler and fouler.
“You... shit-for-brains... crétins!”
“I... ow, no poking!” Alfred attempted to fend off Céline’s jabbing index finger. “I wasn’t even there when it happened, why are...? Ow!”
“And you, Etie! You’re supposed to be a good influence on my brother!”
“I don’t see how this is me being a bad influence,” said Etie.
“What if he tried this? And then got injured? What then?”
“But he won’t, because now we know it’s dangerous.”
“This is about the principle of the matter, Etie.”
Etie frowned. “Hey, Céline, I’m sorry.”
“Well, I don’t accept your apology!” declared Céline. Then, as a clarification: “...as of yet.”
“You doing okay, there, Marth?” said Boucheron.
“I’m well, thank you,” Marth replied. “Yourself?”
“Just... wondering how I ended up with these idiots, I guess.” Boucheron motioned to Etie and Alfred.
“Don’t be too quick to judge your allies,” Marth cautioned. “Everyone has their own worth, and only by combining their strengths can a team such as ours overcome the harshest of adversities.”
“Etie and Alfred have lots of strengths, I know that,” said Boucheron. “But... what do I do when they’re driving me up the wall, with nonsense like this?”
“That, I cannot say,” said Marth. “Yet I can say this much: Boucheron, you are ready to wield Mercurius.”
“I... beg your pardon?”
“The sword Mercurius is one of the Three Regalia: legendary weapons once—”
“Oh, I know, I just meant... did you just decide I was ready to wield it? Just then?”
“Yes. You have proven your character.”
“I... Thank you?”
“By the Divine One, I just realised. There are kids around on the Somniel.” Céline inhaled sharply. “Alfred, what if...?”
“Not to worry, sis. Yunaka had the same thought; she said she’d go keep the younger Stewards distracted. I think Alcryst said they went on a day trip...”
“And Jean?”
“Vander told him to stand by. I believe he’s in the café, reading a book. You must have passed him.”
“Jean is well behaved,” Céline mused. “And... what about Anna?”
“You mean Lady Anna,” said Alfred.
“Fine. What about Lady Anna?”
“She tried to take a peek, but I talked her out of it.”
“You, Alfred? You talked that little goblin out of being a pest?”
“Don’t sound so shocked,” said Alfred, indignant. “Lady Anna is pretty easy to handle! You just have to understand what she cares about.”
“...gold?”
“Gold.”
“Good gracious, Etie,” said Louis, peering through Etie’s petticoats. “You’re certainly... well endowed.”
“Thanks,” said Etie, “I work out.”
“Might I ask... have you tried Engaging and then un-Engaging?”
“Yeah, Vander had me and Marth try. The ring stays put.”
“Hmm, fascinating.” Louis rubbed his chin. “Is the ring still there while the two of you are Engaged?”
“Yeah, isn’t that just how it works? Uh, my eyes are up here, Louis.”
“I know, I know, it’s just... hmm, yes, it’s rather engorged, isn’t it?”
“Let me have a look,” said Chloé, approaching and crouching down.
After a few seconds she shook her head and took a seat beside Etie.
“Frankly,” she said, “I’m impressed you got it on to begin with.”
“Yeah, well, it was a much better fit before.”
“What do you think, Chloé?” said Louis. “Quite a remarkable specimen, Etie’s phallus, is it not?”
“Don’t be weird, Louis.” Chloé sighed. “Actually, when I was looking at the ring... it actually reminded me of this one time, before I met you all. I was travelling with my parents in the western isles...”
“I’m sorry, what?” said Etie. “This makes you nostalgic?”
Chloé smiled. “It’ll make sense, I promise. So, there was this one island. Grassy knolls, puffy clouds, like something out of a painting. And the local villagers raised cattle and goats, you see. They sold most of their meat to the local nobility, but they did occasionally have off-cuts, especially with some of the bulls when they got big. And they served us the most delectable dish where they’d...”
“Nobody wants to know, Chloé,” said Etie, covering her ears.
Chloé went on: “...and sewed it shut before putting in the oven. And then, just before it was served, the cook would take a knife, and the stuffing would just...”
“Nobody wants to know, Chloé,” said everyone in earshot.
“I do hope they’re all alright in there,” said Jean. He had paused in his reading to sip at some refreshing lemon water.
Yip!, said Sommie.
“No, I don’t think that would be proper,” said Jean. “It sounded like a rather personal matter, and I did give Sir Vander my word I wouldn’t intrude without permission.”
Sommie nodded and munched on the lemon peel.
“It is rather lonely out here,” Jean conceded. “But it’s not too bothersome. I can continue my studies.”
The book in front of him, Contemporary Methods in Apothecary: Volume III Issue X, was quite thick. He was scarcely a quarter of the way in.
Yip, yip!, said Sommie.
“I’m afraid I don’t understand,” said Jean.
Sommie deposited some Bond Fragments on top of the book.
“Ah,” said Jean. “Bad dog. No more of that, please.”
“Okay, so there’s this cylinder, right?” said Alfred.
“Right...” said Amber. (He had stumbled in a few minutes ago, looking for the kitchen.)
“And this cylinder, it’s got an Emblem Ring stuck on it. Real stuck.”
“Oof, sounds bad,” said Amber. “Can we just pull it off?”
“We’ve tried. But the cylinder is kind of, uh, squishy. Or maybe... let’s say it’s inflated.”
“Inflated, hmm. Could you poke it and let the air out?”
“No,” said Alfred, “it’s imperative that the cylinder and the Emblem Ring remain unharmed.”
“Could you... stretch out the cylinder real long?”
“Hmm, good question. Hey, Etie, can we—”
(“I tried, it doesn’t work.”)
“It doesn’t work,” Alfred told Amber.
“Wait, um... Prince Alfred, is this hypothetical situation of yours actually a hypothetical? Or is there... a real cylinder somewhere...?”
“Part of the problem,” Alfred continued, “is that the cylinder is attached to a larger object.”
“Can you remove the cylinder from the larger object?”
“No, they have to stay attached.”
“Can... oh, what about sandpaper?”
“That must be uncomfortable,” Celica said.
Marth shrugged. “I’m not in any pain. My concern is solely for—”
“Oh, come off it, that’s not what I mean.” Celica glanced from side to side, then lowered her voice. “There’s... sensation from the Emblem rings, when they’re touched, isn’t there?”
Marth lowered his voice too. “I appreciate your concern,” he said, “but it’s perfectly alright.”
“I don’t just mean physical discomfort. I mean... well, the symbolism of... insertion and... Mila’s breath, please don’t make me spell it out, Marth.”
“Really, I don’t mind. Caeda and I used to...”
Marth trailed off.
“No, no, go on,” said Celica. “Caeda and you used to what?”
“What does it matter?”
“This is gossip about you I didn’t know. Do you know how rare that is, after all these millenia of knowing one another?”
“Maybe we could ask the Divine Dragon to do some kind of dragon magic and—”
“We are not waking the Divine One up for this,” said Vander.
Citrinne and Lapis were bickering as they passed the pool en route to the Ring Chamber.
“The things I do for you all,” sighed Citrinne, glancing longingly at the water.
“Do?” said Lapis. “All you did was come fetch me! You’re not even helping carry my stuff.”
“Your ‘stuff’ weighs like a brick. What do you even have in there?”
Lapis hefted her bag. “Sewing stuff, crochet stuff, an awl, a few pliers, threads, yarns... I wasn’t sure what I’ll need.”
“And... hold on.” Citrinne paused, her eyes narrowing. “Anna? Why are you hiding back there?”
“That’s Lady Anna, ma’am.” The young merchant was pouting as she emerged from behind a column. “Whatcha got there, Lapis? What’s going on?”
“Hey, Lady Anna,” said Lapis, “I’ve just got some of my craft tools with me.”
(“Lapis, don’t be ridiculous, she’s not a noble, she doesn’t even own land.”)
“Ooh, can I see?”
“Um...” Lapis clutched her bag. “They’re all, uh, pretty... vintage, but they’ll do the job.”
“Job? Oh, what are you making? Can I see?”
Lapis and Citrinne exchanged glances, silently agreeing that “we’re going to help remove an Emblem Ring from a penis” was not an answer they were giving to a kid. Especially not one as sneaky and underhanded as Anna.
“It’s, um, a grown-up thing,” said Lapis.
“Excuse me? I’m a grown-up, too, you know.”
Citrinne rolled her eyes. “Anna, my family owns housecats bigger than you.”
(“What?” said Lapis. “I’m sorry, what?”)
“Yeah, well, some people are just short, okay?”
“I’m not arguing this. Lapis, let’s go.”
Anna trailed behind them. “Where are you heading? Ooh, hmm, the kitchen? Nope, passing that. The Ring Chamber?”
“You can’t come in with us,” said Lapis.
“Why not?”
“You just can’t.”
“Well, maybe I have something to do in the Ring Chamber, too!”
“You don’t.”
“Lapis, allow me.” Citrinne unclasped her necklace and waved it in front of Anna. “Anna, tell me: what do you think of this pendant?”
“Whoa...” said Anna, jaw dropping. “Is... is that a seven-carat diamond? Hmm, maybe six, but still. Pear cut, looks like real gold for the setting...”
“Of course it’s real gold,” huffed Citrinne. “What do you take me for, an urchin?” She waved the pendant in the air. “Now, do you want this or not?”
Anna tapped her chin. “Uh... how’s fifty gold sound? No? A hundred gold?”
“It’s yours if you don’t go into the Ring Chamber for the rest of today.”
“Hmmm...” Anna looked torn. “For... for free?”
“The rest of today,” Citrinne repeated.
“Hmm... so, no going in until midnight on the dot?”
“Sure, until then.”
“And payment upfront!”
“Naturally.”
“Fiiiiine, it’s a deal.”
“Promise?” said Citrinne.
“I’m a woman of my word. Now, the goods?”
Citrinne tossed the pendant to Anna, who immediately cradled it to her cheek, making cooing noises.
“And that,” Citrinne told Lapis, as they left the young merchant behind, “is how you deal with little scamps.”
Once Citrinne and Lapis had left, Anna dropped into a sofa, sulking:
“I do too own land.”
The world’s tiniest plot of land, to be sure, but yes, she’d had the Divine Dragon deed her the little clearing where she’d set up shop. A perfectly reasonable one-time price, no ongoing costs, and once foot traffic went up Anna was sure she could lease the stall to someone.
“Relax, Alfred,” said Etie, “it’s a type of oil, she didn’t mean it as an insult.”
“Oh,” said Alfred. “Well... okay. I still think that’s kind of rude, though. What even is an ‘extra virgin’?”
“I’m just saying, it’s an option,” Chloé said.
The door swung upon to announce Citrinne and Lapis’s arrival.
“Alright, let me see,” said Lapis, striding over.
Etie showed her.
Lapis frowned. “Oh, that’s... yeah, I can see why you were having trouble. Do you mind if I take a closer look?”
“Go ahead,” said Etie. Then: “Whoa, you’re... you’re really sticking your head in there, huh...”
“Don’t be a prude,” said Lapis, her voice muffled by Etie’s skirt and petticoat. “Do you want this off? Or is Marth’s ring just part of your look from now on?”
“Oh, spare me,” scoffed Citrinne. “Genital jewellery hasn’t been in fashion for half a decade now.”
Everyone stared blankly at Citrinne, save Lapis, who was busy inspecting the ring.
“What?” said Citrinne, looking between everyone. “Céline, Alcryst, back me up here...”
“What,” said Céline flatly, “are you talking about.”
Citrinne sighed. “Oh, I see. None of you have been to any good dinner parties and somehow I’m the one being judged?” Another sigh. “Fine. If a pariah I must be...”
“Okay,” said Lapis, resurfacing from amidst Etie’s underthings. “My jewellery pliers aren’t gonna help much here. But here’s what I reckon: we thread some thread through the ring, on all sides, and then we use all that thread to sort of...”—she motioned vaguely—“...traction it upwards.”
“What of lubrication?” said Marth.
“I brought a few bottles of mineral oil.”
(“Ooh, very nice!” said Chloé.)
“Hold up, hold up,” said Etie. “Lapis, how are you getting this thread of yours in?”
“Uh, the normal way?” said Lapis. “With a sewing needle.”
“Yeah, uh, no,” said Etie, “that’s not happening, you’re not putting anything that sharp right up against mon bite.”
“I know what I’m doing. Nobody’s prick is getting pricked, I promise.”
(“Ah, a delightful wordplay,” mused Louis. “Prick as in slang for the genitalia, juxtaposed with prick as in the pricking of a needle. Of course, the former...”)
Etie winced. “Lapis, no offense, but I barely know you. I’m not quite sure I’m ready to trust you with the ol’ barbell.”
“Honestly, would a little bloodletting be so bad?” said Citrinne. “That might help with the swelling. Oh!” She clapped her hands. “I have an idea. Alcryst, Lapis, you know how the summer before last, everyone in the capitol was bringing leeches to bathhouses?... No?... You all really need to get out more. Well, perhaps a leech might—”
“Fuck no,” said Etie.
“I’m afraid this is beyond the Light magic I know,” said Micaiah.
“Not to worry,” said Marth. “I figured I may as well ask.”
“The staves in the armory will be of no use... Hmm... Perhaps with a specially enchanted staff... Oh! Ohhhh.”
“What is it?”
“If you think about it, isn’t that a succinct way of describing Etie’s current predicament? A specially enchanted staff?”
“I...” Marth sighed. “A reasonable observation, Micaiah. But... must you?”
Micaiah’s smile widened. “I wasn’t a vessel of Ashera, now, was I?”
“What in the world is going on?” said Diamant. “Why is everyone in here?”
“Oh!” Alcryst bolted to his feet. “Diamant! Uh, I can explain...”
Diamant’s expression grew more and more incredulous as his brother’s explanation went on.
“Really?” he said, at the end.
“Really.”
“Of all the asinine things...”
“Whoa, whoa,” said Alfred, hands held out placatingly. “Let’s not be all judgey. Anyone could have made that mistake. We’ve all had that same thought about ring polishing before—”
“No we haven’t,” said Céline, Vander, and Boucheron in unison.
“—and we’re all one big team, at the end of the day, aren’t we?”
“I didn’t sign up for this kind of nonsense,” said Diamant. He sighed. “Still, I suppose I’m here. Can I be of any help...?”
Lapis raised her hand.
“Yes?”
“Your Highness, maybe you can tell Etie to stop being such a baby.”
Etie laughed scornfully. “Lapis, you try waving a needle near your dick and see whether your so-called ‘embroidery’ needle feels safe. Oh wait, you can’t. Because you don’t have one. Just like you don’t have any ab definition.”
“That’s uncalled for.”
“Oh, sorry, little miss Kingdom of Might, did I hit a nerve?”
Jade was in a corner, scribbling away furiously.
“Jade,” said Diamant, “what are you even doing over there?”
“Taking notes,” was the terse reply.
“I see that. I meant to ask, why are you taking notes?”
“Worldbuilding.”
“Worldbuilding?”
“Worldbuilding.”
Across the room, Boucheron whispered to Chloé, “Wait, when did Jade get here?”
“I don’t recall,” Chloé whispered back. “I don’t think she was here when I arrived...?”
“No, I’m not saying that a magic spell of deflate-your-penis doesn’t exist,” said Céline, “I’m saying that I’m not personally aware of one.”
Citrinne nodded. “Your Princess and I are specialised as combat mages.”
“Magic is magic, though,” said Etie. “If you can cast a fireball spell—”
“Yes, Etie, but I don’t know what spell to cast,” said Céline.
“What Her Highness said. Now, if you wanted spells to do the opposite, I have a few tomes in my trunk that—”
“Not helpful, Citrinne. Etie, please, you know I’d help if I could...”
Etie crossed her arms. “So just use an ice spell—”
“Not safe,” said Céline and Citrinne in unison.
“—on my thigh! Or my toes!”
Lapis, who was standing a few paces away, tapped her foot impatiently. “Can we go back to the needle and thread now?”
“No way, no how,” said Etie. “My life flashed before my eyes—”
“Don’t be dramatic.”
“—when you jabbed me! What happened to not pricking anything, you gods damned oathbreaker?”
“What happened was you were thrashing around like a bear in a headlock, instead of holding still like I said to. And even then, it’s not like I drew blood!”
“Well, your thread didn’t even work.”
“We only have one thread in. I told you we need at least two, better three or four.”
“Princess Céline, please, don’t let this Brodian brute anywhere near me.”
Knock, knock.
Everyone in the Ring Chamber slowly turned their heads to face the door.
“Is... isn’t everyone here already?” said Etie.
Then she, too, fell silent, as the sense that someone was at the door grew stronger, and stronger, and—
—and the door swung open and their God appeared before them.
And lo, the Divine Dragon descended upon the Ring Chamber, clad in robes of purest white. And Their aura was as commanding as a thousand trumpets of war, and Their grace was as soothing as the river that flows between green valleys—
And there were those among them who fell to their knees, weeping: no, come no closer, Divine One; trouble yourself not with these trivial mortal matters.
And behold, a perplexed look was painted across their God’s countenance, and They gazed upon Their followers and said unto them,
“Good morning. Um, why is everyone here? What’s going on?”
And saying this, the Divine Dragon brushed some stray blue hairs from Their face, and yawned. The people were ashamed and could not meet their God’s eyes, save one. The Hero-King Marth, Emblem of Beginnings, answered the Divine One, saying,
“Well met, Alear. My Emblem Ring is stuck on Etie, and everyone is helping remove it.”
And the Divine One asked, “stuck”?; and lo, the Crown Prince of Firene, a gentle man, straightened his back, and recounted the following tale: Once, there was a cylinder, not free-standing but rather a part of a greater whole—
But Vander, the Holy Veteran, bade the Prince stay his tongue. He bowed low before his God, and explained the situation to Them.
And so the Divine One was enlightened. They hummed thoughtfully, and said unto those present:
“Well, I’m glad you’re okay, Etie. Um... have you tried using horse manure?”
And all present were dumbstruck. They echoed: horse manure?
“Yes. Look, here...”
And lo, the Divine One fished about Their pockets for a few seconds. Then They held something out, and behold, it was literal horse shit.
The people recoiled and wept, for the room was poorly ventilated, but the Divine One paid them no mind. They approached Etie and held the horse manure to her face, and even as the poor woman recoiled, They reached with Their other hand between Etie’s legs, and pulled something away, and held it up.
And the people gasped, for held in the Divine One’s hand was the Ring of the Hero-King.
“Horse manure,” the Divine One repeated, satisfied, and They placed the ring into Etie’s hands. Then They put the horse manure back into Their pockets, and wiped Their hands clean on Their breeches.
And none present spoke, for they were still trying to process what in the name of the Divine Dragon they had just witnessed.
The Divine Dragon yawned, covering Their mouth with one hand, then asked,
“Who’s on kitchen duty today?”
And after a moment of silence, Prince Alfred told the Divine One that he was rostered for lunch, and that Yunaka would be cooking dinner.
“Oh,” said the Divine One. “Okay. That sounds great.” They smiled and made a thumbs-up gesture with both hands. “Anyway, I’m going back to bed. See you all tomorrow.”
And so, the people’s problems solved, the Divine One left the Ring Chamber.
It was a few more minutes before anyone spoke.
Boucheron broke the silence. “Well, I guess we can all... go now?”
“I guess so,” said Lapis. She looked a little crestfallen. “My method would have worked, I know it would have.”
“Does anyone have a bucket?” croaked Etie.
“Lucky thing none of the kids walked in,” said Diamant.
“Not luck,” said Vander. “Yunaka, bless her, is keeping the younger Stewards busy, and I persuaded Jean and Anna not to come in.”
“You ‘persuaded’ Anna?” Boucheron laughed. “Can’t say she seemed completely convinced. I passed her when I was fetching more chairs, and she was being really nosy. I had to pay her to get her off our backs. You’re welcome, by the way.”
Vander frowned. “Wait. You paid her off?”
“A few hundred gold, yeah. I figured I don’t need it too badly... wait, what’s wrong?”
Céline made a low snarling noise.
“Raise your hand,” said Vander, sounding very, very, tired, “if you bribed Anna to stay out of the Ring Chamber.”
Half the people in the room raised their hands.
“Oh, for fuck’s sake—”