Chapter Text
Just like that, your first year at Hogwarts has come and gone. Any hopes that your life will somehow go back to normal quickly vanish as you spend the summer months alone, wandering the highlands around the school.
Your dearest friends, Sebastian and Ominis, had invited you to stay with them over the summer at Feldcroft. Anne was angry with Sebastian, and probably still is, but she had taken pity on the boys as they had nowhere else to go. She also hates being alone in the house with only her own thoughts for company, though she would never admit to such a thing.
You had politely declined, lying through your teeth to claim you were going back home for the summer. As if you ever would. The Hogwarts letter was your saving grace, a way to escape your perpetually angry father and your disappointed mother. Unsurprisingly, you did not receive a single letter from them last year. Once this might have bothered you, but now you hardly spare them a second thought.
So here you are, in your Room of Requirement. It’s not yours - not really. But it feels more like a home than anything has before. You have been sleeping here the last two months, trying and failing to avoid Deek’s looks of concern. Most of your time has been spent exploring, never turning down a fight and giving Feldcroft a wide berth in case one of your friends were to see you and discover your lie.
Lying had once been as easy as breathing for you, as you would say anything to avoid the ire of your parents. Embarrassed, you shake your head to clear these memories before you dwell on them too long.
She was weak. Helpless. You will never be that girl again.
The lie was necessary to save your friends from yourself. You would never hurt them, but you could see their worried faces every time you left, and their thinly-veiled relief every time you returned. Though that routine will likely resume when they return with the other students next week, the least you can do is allow their lives return to normal during the summer holiday. They are owed that much for all the trouble your abilities have caused them.
So you spend your nights here, tucked away in a corner or slumped over a desk until you are startled awake by your ever-present nightmares. The list of recurring nightmares continues to grow.
Fig, dead beneath Hogwarts, staring at you with hollow, accusing eyes.
Sebastian, lips curled into a sneer as he casts another dark curse in your direction.
Ominis, utter revulsion filling his beautiful eyes at the discovery of the darkness that lives in your heart.
Anne, writhing on the floor, screaming your name and cursing you because you cannot take her pain.
Lodgok, lying dead on the ground after you failed to save him from his brother.
Ranrok and Rookwood, back from the dead, hunting you once again.
The countless wizards and goblins you have killed - you used to remember every face, but they began to blur together as their numbers grew. They return in your dreams - rotting faces, withered hands reaching out to grab you and drag you down with them.
Needless to say, sleep is rather evasive these days. In addition to the recurring nightmares, there are always a few new ones added to the mix - while you had once been grateful for your colorful imagination, it now feels like a cancer. Once awake, you spend hours staring at the moon through the glass ceiling or find your way to a vivarium, seeking comfort from the other nocturnal creatures.
Faithfully, you go through the motions of your life. Tending to your plants, caring for your beasts, brewing Wiggenweld to refill your always-decreasing stock. Cauldrons of the green liquid are always bubbling atop the Room's potion stations, but you have found yourself needing to use it quite regularly. In your apathy, you have become sloppy, allowing spells to make contact that really have no business doing so. The natural talents discovered last year remain mysterious, but unchanged. Blocking the spells would be easy - you just find it increasingly difficult to care.
This emptiness is no stranger - you even found solace in it during your childhood. Surely, feeling nothing at all is better than feeling pain? Perhaps Isidora was on to something there. You would never admit it - after all, the “Hero of Hogwarts” is subject to certain standards - but you can’t get rid of that nagging feeling in the back of your mind.
You shake your head again, willing the thought away. She may have been on to something, but you left that repository under Hogwarts untouched. If you can’t even handle your own pain, how could you ever hope to control something like that? A writhing mass of living pain stolen from countless people. Untold power lay within, yes, but at what cost?
While it isn’t quite dark magic like the Unforgivables, you saw its corruption firsthand. Ranrok, clearly, but also the others who wore the twisted armor - the many trolls you fought, and the dragon who almost killed you and Fig on your way to Hogwarts. While trolls and dragons are not overly peaceful by nature, the armor had turned them into something else entirely - hateful, aggressive creatures who would stop at nothing to kill. Given your rather violent tendencies that have surfaced over the last year, it is best to steer clear of anything that could send you further down that path.
Slowly sliding down the wall of the main room, you bring your knees to your chest. Idly, your fingers trace the faint scars on your arms. Before coming to Hogwarts, you sometimes resorted to hurting yourself in a feeble attempt to take control of your life. The urge still surfaces at times, but you promised yourself that you would never do it again after you left home.
Lately, you have been skipping meals and seeking out fights, hoping to throw yourself in harm’s way. Anything to regain control of the downward spiral that your life has become. You know this is getting dangerously close to breaking your promise, but again, you find it hard to care. When your first year started, this seemed like it would be an easy promise to keep. You were truly happy for the first time in your life.
At least, before everything went horribly wrong.
Before you realized that you are just as much an outcast here at Hogwarts as you had been in the muggle world. You are like the other students, yes, but also so much more. The wielder of an ancient magic that has been dormant for centuries. You hate yourself for it - this had been your chance to start over, to finally fit in. Like everything else in your life, you ruined it. You know it’s not actually your fault, but you can’t help but blame yourself all the same.
When Sebastian was nearlt lost to the Dark Arts, Ominis had nearly turned him in after he killed Solomon. You convinced him not to - Ominis has always had a soft spot for you, so it didn’t take much. Privately, you confessed to Sebastian that you have no right to turn him in, as you’ve done far worse in your own quest to reclaim ancient magic and quell the latest goblin rebellion. You lost track of how many you killed - poachers, goblins, rabid beasts.
So much death.
What difference does it make what spells you use to end a life? Dead is dead, and you always seem to be the one responsible. Lodgok, Professor Fig, both dead because of you. Just because you didn’t kill them yourself doesn’t make it any less your fault.
Besides, you were there with Sebastian every step of the way on his journey towards dark magic. Eventually, you resigned yourself to the fact that trying to stop him was pointless. He would stop at nothing to save his sister. So you kept going with him, trying to convince yourself that you would be able to stop him if he went too far.
But when the time came, you couldn’t bring yourself to hurt Sebastian. Though you could hardly recognize your friend in the angry man who killed his own flesh and blood, hurting Sebastian would be a betrayal of the highest order. He was your first friend, the first person you had ever met who simply spent time with you because he enjoyed it, not because he wanted something from you. Admittedly, he did want you to help his sister once he learned of your powers, but you try to convince yourself that he was already on the path to darkness by then. When you are with Sebastian, you feel like this school could still be a place where you belong. He makes this world feel like home.
So how could you stop him? It was impossible. But your failure resulted in his uncle’s death.
Anne had to bury Solomon by herself, bearing her grief alone while her condition continued to worsen. Though you have not known her for long, you became rather close last year. Now, you cannot bring yourself to face her. The thought of seeing her kind features twist into anger and hate at the very sight of you is more than you can bear. There is hope that she will forgive Sebastian - they are twins, after all. But why would she ever forgive you?
And Ominis… in your loyalty to Sebastian, you betrayed Ominis. He really is the best of you all, though he will never believe it. Despite his upbringing, he is one of the kindest people you have ever met. You had stubbornly chipped through his hard exterior, becoming as close to him as you are to Sebastian. Although the two of you had cooperated last year to keep Sebastian out of Azkaban, you know he must blame you for going along with Sebastian as long as you did.
Somehow, this hurts more than anything else. Despite your best efforts, you had quickly fallen head over heels for Ominis, drawn in by his soft voice and his shy smile. The whispers regarding his bloodline and his blindness were always present, even on your first day at Hogwarts. However, when you met him for the first time in the Slytherin common room you found it impossible to reconcile the whispers with the pale, quiet boy who stood before you. He was polite, even friendly, leaning against the wall with a knowing smile while he listened to the first-years scan the murky waters of the lake for mermaids. He was rather displeased when Sebastian showed you the Undercroft, but you would have reacted the same way if a friend had betrayed one of your secrets to someone you hardly knew.
As the year went on, you found yourself spending more time with him. As the situations with Keepers and Sebastian's obsession slowly escalated, eventually becoming a deafening roar of chaos, Ominis was your lifeline. The early hours of the morning often found the pair of you in the Undercroft, Ominis patiently stroking your hair as you sobbed into his chest while your world crumbled. Though his impeccable self-control makes it difficult to know for sure, you suspect his affection for you goes beyond mere friendship. Or at least it did, before he was forced to consider sending his best friend to Azkaban. Merlin only knows how things stand now. You can only hope there is something left to salvage.
With a sigh, you stretch out on the floor, bunching your robe under your head to look up at the moon. A pillow appears next to you. Merlin, even the room is telling you what to do these days. You offer a halfhearted salute and replace your robe with the pillow.
Breathing deeply, you try your best to savor these last moments of peace before you have to face the others. Before you need to paste on a smile and play the role of the beautiful Hero of Hogwarts, the most promising witch of her time.
Utterly exhausting.
You would rather stay here forever, staring at the stars until the world moves on and forgets that you exist.