Chapter Text
“It’s like a nightlight, almost.”
Noelle bends down to look at the soul in the cage.
Kris snorts, kicks it. “Stupid nightlight that likes to play god.”
Susie leans against their closet door.
“So you think you can get it out? Whatever’s using your soul to control you or whatever?”
“Dunno jackshit. It’s been there so long, I don’t…” They kick the cage again, and then throw a blanket over it. “But whatever. I’ll have to put it back in in the morning, but it can’t do much at night, usually.”
“But…” Noelle stares at the blanket. “Can you ever get rid of it? Or will it just control you forever?”
“I dunno. But it’s been like this since what happened, and…I dunno. Guess that means it's part of me now.”
“Maybe you can, like, work with it,” Susie says. “Not let it control you. Learn to live with it, or something.”
“Guess I have to.” They look at Noelle. “I want to. I'm sick of hurting people.”
They go back downstairs, where Toriel is moving frantically but aimlessly around the kitchen, as if she might discover something else she hadn’t known about for years in a cupboard or the freezer icebox. The three of them slump on the couch. Susie looks at Kris, dazed, so glad they’re here that she can’t do anything but stare.
“You ought to stay here tonight, dear,” Toriel says to Noelle, a barely restrained anger underlying her voice. “Your mother…”
Noelle nods, running her hands over her arms. “She’s going to keep trying to find an answer. Dad is still sick. If he has what Dess had, then, then—Mom will never be able to lose him. She’s going to do everything it takes.”
“Maybe we can figure out how to heal him,” Susie says. “I mean, imagine what we could do with Ralsei’s help. He knows all about healing magic. We don’t have to wait till it’s too late.”
Kris looks at her. She stares at them.
“What?”
“Nothing.” They squeeze her hand. “You’re just. ‘M so glad you’re here.”
“Maybe you’re right,” Noelle says quietly. “Maybe we can do something. If all of that magic is possible, why not?”
“Not to interrupt,” Toriel says. “But I do think you all should go to sleep. It is very late, and you have all been through a lot.”
Kris stands, then, staggering, leans against Susie, warm palm on her neck, and nods. “Yes. Bed. Susie. C’mon.”
“Noelle, dear,” Toriel says. “You may take my room, I can sleep on the couch.”
“You could take Azzy’s bed,” Kris says.
Toriel and Noelle give Kris a long look. They swallow.
“Er, I mean.” They grab Susie’s hand. “Because, right, course. Susie, me, two of us, and two beds, so, okay, right. I’m, we’re.” They nod, as if they have finished the sentence. “Goodnight.”
They slam the bedroom door behind themselves and it is like the weight of everything is locked out behind them, like finally everything has settled.
“C’mere.” Kris lifts a tired arm and she drops down next to them, clutches them against her.
“You’re gonna be so annoyed at me. I’m never gonna leave you alone again.”
“Please.” They run their hands through her hair. “Annoy me. Forever. Couldn’t take anything less.”
“You have no idea how glad I am you’re here.” She kisses them, one, two, three times. “You idiot, god, you dumbass. You’re never leaving my fuckin’ sight.”
“I watched you the whole time I was gone. The way you talked about me when you thought I wasn’t there, I…” They hold her face. “You’re so sweet. Dunno how to handle it.”
“I don’t know how to handle what happened to you,” she says, blinking rapidly. “It hurts, everywhere, thinking about it.”
“You’re so nice to me,” they say, their voice filled with disbelief.
She feels like crying, and when they hug her she does cry, and it isn’t embarrassing, for once, it’s good, it’s honest.
“Cause you deserve it, stupid,” she says.
“I’m alive.” They clasp their warm fingers around her wrist. “It’s been so long since I've felt alive.”
“You are alive.” She stares at them, holds their hand tight. Their eyes are bright with life and lowlidded with exhaustion. “And you’re also about to pass out. C’mere, let’s go to sleep.”
They clutch her, and she pulls them close against her, tucks her head against their chest and listens to their heartbeat.
She falls asleep and does not dream.
When she wakes up, sunlight is filtering through the open window and their fingers are brushing through her hair. It takes her a moment to realize this is not a dream either. She opens her eyes, and they’re looking at her so gently.
“You’re in daytime.” They press their nose to her hair. “Been so long.”
“I got so used to seeing you when I fell asleep, it was weird not to have you there.” She flushes, thinking about the last dream they had. “Weird my first kiss was in a dream, though. If that counts.”
“That was your first kiss?” They blink rapidly. “Shit. Sorry. It doesn’t have to count.”
“Uh, I'm not sorry, so why should you be? Course I want it to count. Doesn’t matter where it was. It matters that it was you.”
“Oh,” they say, and something she can’t quite place crosses their face. “That’s good.”
“Yeah, it’s good, dumbass.” She laughs.
They lean forward, press their forehead against hers, and then their eyes widen and they stand up, shucking their sweater off and digging through their closet. After a minute, they find the piano shirt, the one they found together in her dream, and pull it on. Then they sit over her legs, lean closer, and kiss her. She’s so giddy it takes her a second to react, to wrap her arms around their waist and kiss them back.
—
Noelle stands at the door, not exactly sure what she should do. It seems rude to interrupt, but also Kris and Susie have, now that they are back together, a kind of desperate, fervid intensity about the way they look at each other, and she’s a little scared that might translate into a similar intensity in another manner, and she just isn’t really up for dealing with that right now.
“Good morning,” she says, as cheerily as she can manage, and steps into the room.
They jolt apart.
“Morning,” Susie says quickly, and sits up.
“Don’t worry, I won’t tell Miss Toriel.” Noelle tips her head at Azzy’s bed, still made tidy on the other side of the room.
“C’mere,” Kris says, and reaches out to catch Noelle’s wrist. “You’re so far away.”
“You’re not wearing Azzy’s sweater.” Noelle sits nervously next to them, smoothing her skirt. “I thought you didn’t have any other clothes.”
“Managed to find something.”
Toriel shouts up for them to come downstairs and get ready for school and they all groan, stand up wearily.
Kris pulls the blanket off the cage, glares at the soul inside, but pulls it out and shoves it back into their chest. Noelle sucks in a breath, stunned slightly by the violence of it. They grimace, take a steadying breath, and walk ahead out of the room. Susie and Noelle share a look and follow them.
“I think it would be good for you all to do something normal,” Toriel says in the kitchen. “And that means really going to class. No sneaking off to see your friends in the closet. Not until after school, at least.”
“Yes ma’am,” Susie says, awkwardly.
“We are going to have quite the talk, dear girl.” Toriel levels an amused look at Susie. “Do not think you are going to get out of that. But I am very glad to have you here.”
“Yes, ma’am, I’m glad to be here, too.”
“Leave Susie alone,” Kris mumbles, looks embarrassed.
“You will be a part of our conversation, too, dear.”
“No shovel talks,” they groan. “I’m back from the dead, ain’t that enough?”
“It is a hard thing to forget.” Toriel ducks her head. “Ah. I will be back.”
They sigh, brush their hand over their eyes, then stand. “Mom’s right. We should go to school,” they say, quietly. “And, after, we can get Ralsei to take us to the cyber world, and we can close the fountain. I’m gonna go talk to mom, quick, first, though.”
They take Susie’s face and kiss her, and run upstairs after their mom. Susie watches them leave, seems uneasy to be apart, even for a moment, then looks to Noelle.
“This is a weird situation,” Susie says, and flushes. “Really weird. Sorry, about, er, earlier.”
“You mean, you, me, and Kris?” Noelle almost laughs. “I think it’s the most normal part of all this, to be honest.” She puts a hand on Susie’s arm. “I get it. Just, we’re still alright? Now that they’re back?”
Susie reaches out a fist. “Course. Promise. You’re stuck with me.”
Noelle bumps her fist, a smile returning. “I’m glad.”
“Awh,” Kris says, standing on the bottom step. "Sweet."
“C’mere,” Susie says, and they do.
Morning light filters cool through the newly opened school windows. Noelle lags behind a little as they walk to class, wringing her hands. Kris, leaning against Susie, reaches back to grab Noelle and pull her up into their other side.
“Don’t be a stranger,” they say. “C'mon.”
They are insufferable in class. Noelle is so happy.
The three of them walked in together and Kris waved awkwardly at everyone and Susie grabbed their hand and pulled them with her to the back of class. And everyone erupted with questions, pestering Kris, trying to sleazy high five Susie, wolf whistling, being annoying.
Noelle watches the chaos and feels so warm.
“The dead speak,” Berdly says, haughtily, but he is not good at concealing his relief.
“They postponed the festival since you were missing. So you’re going together, right?” MK asks, swayed by the bright air of the room into an excitement they usually reserve for game nights. “‘Cause, if you’re not, Kris, you should come with me. Everyone will be so pumped to see you.”
“You’re such a skeez.” Catti rolls her eyes. “Obviously they’re going together.”
Kris and Susie are in the middle of it, sitting at their desks, shrugging off questions and smirking at each other. Noelle is privately, maybe inordinately, pleased. She knows their secrets, better than anybody else. She keeps watching for the signal they talked about, Kris touching their arm to say, this isn't me, but whatever it is that was controlling them seems to have very little power in the light world.
“I died,” Kris says, snickering, when Catti tugs their ear after they’ve dodged her asking where they were. “It was pretty sick.”
“Yup, and they haunted me, assholes,” Susie says, leaning forward to wrap an arm around their shoulders. “Be jealous.”
“Ugh,” Catti groans, but Noelle knows she’s holding back a smile. “We’re never getting it out of them.”
At lunch Kris and Susie are leaning against each other, grinning, sunlight spooling behind them. When they look away from each other, they look at Noelle.
—
After lunch, on the way back to class, Susie stops dead. In the middle of the school hallway, in normal clothes, not a police uniform, is Undyne.
“The fuck are you doing here, asshole? Here to arrest me again?”
Undyne looks up, sees the three of them and grins. “If it ain’t troublemakers one, two and three. Glad to see you’re back, Kris. You had us all worried.”
They dip their head, nod. They don’t talk as much, now that the soul is back.
“I’m sorry about my mom,” Noelle says, eyes wide. “I feel so awful.”
“Nah, don’t be. I’m leavin’ the force, actually.” Undyne pats Susie on the arm. “Carol offered me my job back, but I don’t want to work for somebody who pulled that shit on you. You’re a good kid, Susie. Don't let anybody tell you otherwise.”
Susie tries not to look as glad as she feels. “So, what, gonna sleep on Miss Toriel’s couch?”
“Take a page outta your book? No thanks, kid.” Undyne rubs her neck. “Actually, Tori offered me a job at the school. Apparently y’all haven’t had a PE teacher since before Azzy graduated.”
Susie stares at her. “No shit. We’re gonna hate you.”
Undyne cackles, claps her on the back. “Now that’s what I wanna hear.”
The rest of class all three of them are twitching, knowing what they have to do and anxious to get it done. As soon as the bell rings they’re swinging out the door and into the closet.
Ralsei is waiting in the castle town, kneeling in his garden. He clasps his hands when he sees them, runs up to say hello, then tilts his head at Kris.
“You look different,” Ralsei says. “You’re not a knight anymore.”
They look down at themself. They are not wearing armor.
“Not the knight,” they murmur. “Not anyone else.”
Susie knocks their shoulders. “Just you.”
They nod, hold a hand up to their chest, where they put the soul back. “Just me. Mostly.”
“We’ve gotta close the cyber world,” Susie says. “Shit’s gotta be fucked up there, after everything, it shouldn’t stay around for much longer.”
Ralsei sighs. “Yes, I don’t think it’s salvageable, anymore. It’s been around too long, the whole thing is beginning to collapse in on itself. I tried to go over while you were stuck in the light world to speak with Queen, but…it was so quiet. Everything was frozen over, or glitching out. I couldn’t find anyone. It was very frightening.”
“You can take us?” Noelle asks.
“Yes. Although I must ask that you close your eyes. I’m not really supposed to do this with…” He glances at Kris, at their shadow, where the soul wavers, and they grimace. “Under these circumstances. Regardless.”
He takes Susie’s hand, and Kris’, then Noelle does too, so they’re in a circle, facing each other.
They close their eyes, and then they’re back where they were. In the ice. It’s dark and cold. All of the city lights are off. It’s so quiet that their footsteps echo. Kris is walking very deliberately, hands behind their back, as if to prevent the thing that was controlling them from trying something. But there are no battles where it can, because there is no one left to battle with.
Noelle squeezes Susie’s hand, and Susie squeezes back.
They pass a block of ice, and Noelle stops, stares at her reflection in it. It’s too opaque to see anything inside the ice but a vague shadow.
Noelle presses her hand to the ice. When that only forms another layer of ice, she closes her eyes and does what that shadow had done, breathes out a sigh. This time, it does melt. But on the ground is only a pile of clothing. No darkner left.
“Oh my god,” Noelle says, walks ahead to another block of ice, then another. “It’s–I can’t fix it. I really can’t fix it.”
Kris catches up to her, avoids their own reflection. They look down at themself, then reach into their chest, almost casually, and rip their soul out. It bathes their face, the ice, in red light. Noelle stares at it.
“It isn’t your fault.” Kris holds the soul out to her. “You were being controlled.”
Noelle reaches out, presses her fingertips to it, and a thin film of ice spreads over the surface, dimming the light. She recoils.
“It’s my fault. Just like everything else.” Noelle’s eyes glisten. “I should’ve ran away, or–I should’ve said no, I should’ve fought back!”
Their eyes go wide and serious. “Don’t ever say that. It wasn't your fault. I promise. It wasn’t.”
Noelle closes her eyes, breathes in and out. “Look at how easily I did that. It barely took anything.”
“But it’s a good thing, this time,” Kris says, quietly. “Remember? You can help me control it, stop letting it tell us what to do. You’re the only one who knows this bullshit like I do. I need you. ”
“Oh,” Noelle whispers. “I need you too.”
Susie and Ralsei share a look, keep looking at each other until Noelle and Kris move ahead, let them whisper to each other, low and comforting. Noelle lifts her hand, waves out a snow flurry, so the soul floats behind them, like a strange lantern.
“You know a lot,” Susie says to Ralsei. “Like, a lot more than you seemed like you did, when we met.”
He dips his head. “But I know a lot less than I thought I did.”
“I meant, like, about Kris. Like, you didn’t really seem surprised about anything they said about what happened.”
He hums. “It’s strange, but we’re almost each other. Or that’s what we both thought, until we met you. But, I'm me. They’re themself. It’s nice. A little scary. But in the end I think it’s nice. We don’t expect so much of each other anymore.”
It takes an indiscernible amount of time to get to the castle, time doesn’t move normally here, and once they reach the top they’re all heavy with exhaustion. From so high up, the city, even dark, could be something pretty.
“Imagine what it would’ve looked like, here,” Ralsei says, softly. “If everything had been alright. It would’ve been beautiful. All of the lights, the fireworks, the distant sound of denizens, all at work.”
“It would’ve been.” Kris wraps their arms around themself. “I’m sick of the cold.”
Noelle nods, leans against them just slightly. “Me too.”
“We gotta close this, then.” Susie glances at Ralsei. “Get home, get you both warm.”
The dark fountain is loud, louder than Susie remembers the last one being. Ralsei watches them walk up to it from a distance, smiles, like he always does, like, I'll see you again. And he will.
Noelle waves her hands, unfreezes the soul. It lifts into the dark. And then they’re submerged in shadow.
Susie jolts awake at a computer desk in the library. Next to her are Kris and Noelle.
Noelle sits up, looks around. “Is this what normally happens?”
“Yeah. Last time, we woke up in the spare room at school.”
“My dad,” Noelle says, suddenly. “After school, I'm supposed to go see him. I've missed it for days, I feel horrible.”
Kris nods. “But you’re coming over for dinner, right?”
Noelle nods, gathers herself and leaves. As she does, there is a squeak outside and a series of frantic questions from the librarian. Kris glances over at Susie, presses a finger to their lips, and pulls open the back window to jump out. Susie follows them.
—
The door to dad’s hospital room is slightly open, and Noelle leans against the wall next to it, listens to the drift of voices. Not just dad's, but mom's too. They’re not talking about anything important. The festival, getting a wheelchair so he can come and see the lights mom planned this year.
After a minute, she peeks in through the window.
Mom is curled up against her dad, his arm around her shoulders, her head against his chest. Noelle is briefly stunned by how young her mom looks in that moment. Not only young, but exhausted, but completely haunted. It’s like looking at herself.
Mom glances up and sees Noelle in the window, then jolts up, wipes her face, straightens her suit jacket. Noelle opens the door, sits at her dad’s bedside.
“Noelle,” mom says, cautiously. “I think we need to talk.”
Noelle ignores her, looks at her dad, tries to find herself in him for a change, in the smile lines around his eyes, his sureness despite everything he’s going through.
“Hun,” dad says, and pats her on the arm. “Your mom asked you a question.”
Noelle ignores that too, climbs into his cot and sticks her face into the crook of his arm, shuts her eyes. He pets her hair and she lays there until her legs cramp up from the awkward way she’s curled up. When she sits up, mom and dad are both looking at her gently.
“Stop being nice,” Noelle says to her mom. “I can’t handle it.”
Dad looks between them. “Seems like you two need to talk.”
“Come with me,” mom says. “We need to pick up dinner for your father. He deserves better than his awful hospital food.”
Noelle crosses her arms, hugs her dad and then follows her mom into the hospital lobby. Instead of leaving, Noelle sits in one of the waiting chairs, tucks her knees up to her chest.
“Noelle,” mom says, quietly. “Dear, would you look at me?”
Noelle stares off at the linoleum floor.
Mom sits in the chair next to her. “I am sorry you were a part of this.”
“Mom.” Noelle crumples further into her seat. “She’s dead.”
Mom’s shoulders shake. “She is dead.”
Noelle doesn’t want to cry again but she can’t help it. What comes out is not just a sob but almost a scream. Because some small, small part of her believed her mom when she said, “I am going to get it back for you.” That family, that warm close life.
Mom wraps her arms around Noelle, and she should pull away, should scream at her for what she did, but for just a second, with her eyes closed and her face pressed to her mom’s shoulder, she is ten years old again. Crying about the scary movie they watched, being held and told, it isn’t real. It isn’t real. It isn’t real. But she’s brave enough now. And the monster is real.
“I wish you’d just told me,” Noelle whispers. “When she first got sick, or when it got bad, or at least when she—when—“ She takes a steadying breath. “When she died. Mom, she’s my sister. I deserved to know.”
“I didn’t want you to get hurt.”
“You can’t protect me from everything. I can protect myself. I just want you to trust me.”
Mom sighs. “You have always been too smart. I tell your father it’s because you take after him, but he insists it’s because you take after me.” She shakes her head in feigned condescension. “Foolish man.”
Relief bleeds through her, just a little. When mom is trying to be in a good mood, she talks about her and dad. Noelle hated it when she was a kid, sitting on the couch listening over and over to stories about how her parents first met, how dad asked mom out, their first date, their engagement, their wedding. Now it feels like something. Like hope. Her family isn’t gone. Just different, now. Smaller. A little darker. But still there.
“Did you tell dad what happened?”
Mom swallows. “He cannot deal with anything else right now. Not in his state.”
“We’re going to try to help. Susie and Kris know someone, someone nice, who is good at healing. They think he could really help. Maybe if we all try to figure it out, we can make sure it doesn’t get too late.”
“You get your optimism from your father, too,” mom says, and tucks a curl behind Noelle’s ear, smooths her hair, like she’s getting her ready for family pictures. “I hope it is founded in some semblance of reality. I am doing all I can to find a cure. I suppose it is only fair that I let you do the same.”
“I’m going to Kris’ for dinner,” Noelle says. “I’m going to bring some to dad, later. Do you promise to tell him, once he’s better? Tell him everything?”
Mom closes her eyes, tips her head back against the wall.
“I will do anything, if your father ends up okay.”
Noelle feels that familiar feeling, that she is not being told everything. But she’s tired. She wants to go home.
“I love you, mom. See you later.”
“I love you too.”
—
The moment they get home, Kris rips the soul back out and tosses it into the cage.
“Stay,” they say, like they’re talking to a misbehaving dog, and kick it. “Be good.”
“That’s where that bloodstain came from, huh?” Susie jolts her head at the corner of the room. “Does it hurt, at all?”
“Maybe.” They blink, hold their hand up and look at their red fingertips. “I’ve done it so much, can't really tell anymore. I think it used to.”
Susie leans next to them in the bathroom, Kris sitting on the sink with their hands under the warm water, watching the blood disappear into the drain. When it’s all gone they cup the water in their palms, watch it trickle through their fingers.
Toriel gets home later, seems relieved to see them.
“So, we got a new PE teacher, huh?” Susie says, sitting next to Kris on the couch, one of their old notebooks with drawings of Ralsei in it open between them.
Toriel hangs her scarf on the coat rack, sets her bag down. “Yes, I called her last night about–well, about, everything, but she told me she lost her job rather unfortunately, and she could not help me. She has always been so lovely, though, and I know, Susie, you were talking about how she taught you–”
“Wait,” Kris says. “Why were you calling her?”
Toriel’s brow furrows, and she takes a seat next to them. “Because of what happened to you, dear. It cannot go unaddressed.”
“Please,” they say, quickly. “Don’t, I’d have to, to talk about it, again, and—I can’t.”
They take Susie’s hand, hold it tight. Toriel stares at them, like something is readjusting in her mind.
“You…you do not want me to address it with the police? Not with Carol?”
“No,” they snap, and then withdraw, as if surprised by their own vigor. “It’s—It’s been a long time. ‘M sick of thinking about it. Can everything be normal, please?”
“As long as Carol leaves you be.” Toriel looks at them for a long moment. “Whatever you need, dear. Whatever you need.”
They nod quickly, look frantically away, catch Susie’s eye and hold her gaze. She stands, and they stand too.
“It’s snowing,” she says. “Wanna go for a walk?”
“Yes,” they say, and as they look at the coat rack, they see the one Toriel found for Susie what feels like months ago, the one that belonged to Dess, and they look suddenly sick.
She glances at Toriel, sees the recognition on her face too. Susie grabs Kris’ coat from the rack, tosses it at them and runs outside bare-armed. They run out after her, pulling it on, saying, “You’re gonna catch a cold!”
“Psh, as if. I’m way too cool for that. You sound like your mom.”
“Shaddup,” they say, and knock into her, push ahead. “C’mon, let’s see if the lake is frozen yet.”
It is, and they stand there looking at it, listening to the wind. Their hair whips around their face. It’s barely late afternoon but it’s already so dark.
Susie looks at them. “We can burn it.”
“What?”
“The jacket.”
“Oh. No. T’s fine, I was just surprised.”
They hadn’t really looked just surprised, but that’s okay.
They turn their lip under their teeth. “Forgot you were wearing it. Guess cause it looks so different on you. Thought I threw it away. Or hid it. I don’t remember what I thought. It was hard to think.”
“It was yours?”
“Yeah.”
They look at her for a moment, exhale a breath that comes out in steam.
“I told her. Noelle’s mom. She won’t tell my mom. But she’s gonna leave me alone. She’s not a bad person. Pretty sure my mom woulda done something crazy too, if me or Azzy were sick.”
“You’re good at that.”
“Huh?”
“Making excuses for people. You want your mom to know?”
They look up at the snow falling, close their eyes, and the flakes begin to collect on their eyelashes.
“No.”
She nods, bends down, scoops up a ball of snow and dumps it over their head. They laugh and tackle her, push her down and kiss her, run their hand down her back and shove a handful of snow under her shirt. It’s freezing but they are so warm, so alive, that in that moment it’s hard to feel cold at all. They get back home when it’s dark, and they’re soggy and freezing and laughing.
Toriel makes them warm apple cider and they sit together on the couch and watch a movie. The heating unit makes the air fuzzy and warm. Noelle comes over, sits down and has a cup too.
“You play piano,” Susie says to Kris.
“Oh. Yeah.”
“What’s your favorite song to play?”
They look from Noelle, to her. “Oh. I dunno. It depends. On the time of year, or what I feel like.”
“What’s it now?”
“I can play it,” they say, and stand. “On the little piano you got me, Elly.”
In their room it’s colder, and there’s still snow falling outside. The calendar that was on their brother’s side of the room is gone.
They pull the piano out. She watches their fingers move across the keys. The crescent of their nails, the chewed skin around them. They look, for the first time, peaceful. Like everything is okay.
“Remember how you used to play downstairs, on our piano?” Noelle’s eyes are shut and she’s swaying a little, blonde curls waving around her shoulders. “I always loved it. It’s so much better than recorded music. Like, it’s better since I know it’s you making something that sounds so pretty.”
Kris smiles, a different smile than she’s ever seen, like they’re proud and trying to hide it.
“Awh,” is what they say. “Shucks.”
“Stupid,” Susie says. “You’re real good, y’know that?”
“Why don’t you play more?” Noelle asks.
They shrug. “Can’t with the soul, not always. Sometimes it’s the one trying, and it can’t really play. Sometimes I can, though. It’s nice, then.”
They all look at it in the corner.
“It’s okay, though.”
It stops snowing, later, and the three of them slump together on Kris’ bed, still too tired from everything, somehow, to get up yet.
—
Susie leaves to talk to Miss Toriel about something and Noelle stays leaned across from Kris, listening to the wind whistle in through the cracked window.
This, this is what she ached for, in the dark biting night, long before Susie ever moved here. Cross legged on their quilted comforter, warm lamplight cast over face. Her knee and theirs pressed. This simple gentle thing that they have, that they have always had, but new, but closer. To know so solidly that they have her back, that she has theirs. I know you, you know me.
But still it is hard to say she knows them completely. Not after so many years of brushing shoulders in class, of casual conversation, letting them borrow pencils, getting them back with the imprint of their teeth. Running her thumb over that imprint, feeling something she couldn’t put into words. She knew the grooves of their molars but she didn’t know what was in their head. Didn’t know what happened to them, how much it hurt. She wonders, looking at the crease between their eyebrows, if she knows now. Or if what they told her isn’t everything. So many years of saying nothing. There could be anything in their head. Let me in, she wants to say. But she doesn’t think they need more of that. Of people wanting things from them. So what she wants is to want nothing, to give them everything that she can.
“I’m sorry,” Noelle says.
They were looking at their knees, but now they look up.
“Told you, already, I forgive you.”
“Not for me.” Noelle turns her bottom lip under her teeth. Somehow it feels wrong to say her name, but she does it, broaches the subject. “About what Dess did.”
Their face shutters, and they close their eyes for a moment, putting a hand on her knee. She puts her hand over theirs and they open their eyes again.
“She was your sister,” Kris says, softly, almost as if they’re trying to reassure themself. “You deserve to love her for who she was to you.”
Noelle doesn’t know what to do with it, but she knows this firmly. That no matter what her sister did, there will always be the two of them hiding behind the stairs with a toy spider to scare her dad. Sneaking giggling into her mom’s office and stealing the chocolate she kept in the second drawer. Sitting together on the carpet and painting each other’s nails, the dull hum of Dess’ record player like a lullaby in the background. Noelle knows that no matter what her sister did, that she loves her. She doesn’t know what to do with this. But she knows that it is there. She knows that it will always be true. And yet.
“She was my sister. I owe it to her, to face who she really was.”
They sigh, look at her. Their face softens.
“You told Susie I was your first kiss.”
She flushes. “Sorry. I didn’t know you could hear us.”
“Nah, don’t be sorry.” They lean closer, not to kiss her but to wrap themself further in her arms. “I never got to tell you, before, how much I wish you were mine, too.”
She runs her thumb across their knuckles absently. “Oh. I wasn’t?”
“No.” They close their eyes, tighten their hand in hers. “No, you weren’t.”
The hot flush of embarrassment hits her immediately, but the horror, the nausea dawns slowly, and as she catches up to the entirety of the conversation, it creeps up the back of her throat, and then she’s running to the bathroom, falling to her knees and throwing up. Kris holds her hair back. Their palms are soft and warm.
—
Susie sets the mug of tea on the side table. Miss Toriel looks up from what she’d been reading, glances down at the tea.
“Er, I think I remember how you make it. Spoon of honey, and a little cinnamon?”
Toriel smiles gently. “I am surprised you remembered. Thank you.”
Susie sits at her feet, cross legged. There’s something about Toriel that makes her feel like she’s back in kindergarten, in a safe cocoon of carpet storytime and mid day naps and fingerpainting.
“I should be thanking you. For letting me live here while Kris was gone.” She clears her throat. “I was just…I was wondering, like, when you want me to move out. Since they kinda need their room, now.”
Toriel looks over her glasses. “From what you told me, it does not seem like you have anywhere else to go, is that correct?”
“Er, I always figure something out, y’know.”
“So you do not.” Toriel sets her book down carefully next to the tea, and sits down next to Susie on the carpet. “Then, I am afraid you will not be leaving here any time soon. Asriel will be perfectly willing to lend you his side of the room until we can arrange something better for you.”
“Are you sure?” Susie swallows the lump in her throat, trying not to cry. “I’m not, like, exactly, an easy kid.”
“There is no such thing as an easy child, and I have never wished for there to be. However, for what it is worth, I think you are a lovely girl.”
“So…” Her eyes are burning. “Like, I can stay?”
“Of course.” Toriel stands, offers her a hand. “Although, you must understand, you, Noelle, and Kris are in for quite the talk.”
Susie flushes, takes her hand and lets Toriel pull her up. “Yes, ma’am.”
“So polite.” Toriel clasps her hands. “Kris could learn a thing or two from you. I expect you to be a good influence on them, you know.”
“I hope so, ma’am. I hope so.”
The stairs creak, and it’s Kris. Susie just looks at them for a moment, swallows, thinks, how could anyone ever hurt you?
They look between their mom and her, tilt their head.
“Hey,” she says, and then clams her mouth shut at how stupidly sappy she sounds.
“Hey,” Kris says back, and takes her by the hand and pulls her after them into the kitchen as Toriel sits back down with her book, and she thinks she might go anywhere as long as they pulled her after them. “Let’s make dinner.”
They’re a very good cook. It’s obvious by the absent, studied way they measure and cut everything. She can imagine it, them in the kitchen every night while their mom was making dinner, watching.
“Noelle isn’t feeling good,” they say as they put a pot of water on the stove to boil. “She’ll be down in a bit, though, I'm sure.”
“How’re you feeling?” She leans next to them on the counter, nudges their shoulder. “Bout being back and everything?”
They take her by the collar, then tilt onto their tiptoes to kiss her, pull her closer. She ducks away, presses their foreheads together, waits for an answer. They sigh and she feels their breath as if it is her own.
“Dunno. Better than when I was dead, I guess. But also I keep thinking nobody’s gonna be able to hear me, to see me.”
“Don’t gotta worry about that. I’m always looking at you.”
They flutter their eyelashes. “You’re real sweet.”
“Nah. ‘M just a bad liar.” She shrugs, runs her hand down their arm, catches their wrist, thumbs the inside of it, where their pulse is. “Especially when it comes to you. Can’t say anything but the truth.”
They make a flustered sound and drop their head on her shoulder. “You make me feel crazy.”
“Ditto, asshole.” She wants to just stand here forever but the lid on the water is starting to rattle. “How ‘bout you teach me to do this shit? Since you’re gonna be stuck with me in your house, better put me to work.”
Their eyes go wide and they grab her collar again. “Wait, you get to stay? Like, forever?”
She flushes. “Er, yeah, I mean, as long as y’all will have me.”
“I want you forever,” they say quickly, and then look embarrassed. “Sorry, I sound crazy.”
“Dude,” she hisses. “Have you heard how I fuckin’ sound?”
The pot continues to whistle insistently and they both turn to glare at it. Kris shakes the pasta in like it offended them, and she watches over their shoulder as they chop onions, garlic, brown them in the pan and then make the sauce. She tries in earnest for about a minute to pay attention to what they’re explaining. Their voice is so gentle, though, and she ends up leaning against their back, arms loose around their waist, head slumped on their shoulder, dazed with warmth and so calm, calm in a way she hasn’t been in so long, that she has to blink to keep herself from falling asleep. They notice as they are straining the pasta and laugh, kiss her on the temple.
As they do she notices movement on the stairs, and they both turn to see Noelle. She looks for a long moment at the two of them, then the grim expression on her face softens and she runs a hand through her hair, says, “Is there anything I can help with?”
Noelle puts out the silverware and Kris almost drops the bowl of pasta because they’re trying to press a kiss to her cheek before their mom notices. The four of them sit around the table. Noelle’s wrist brushes Susie’s as she reaches for the pepper, and Kris’ ankle is tucked over hers as they pass her the salt, and she is suddenly hit with the fact that this, here, this, was always waiting on the horizon of her future. During every horrible dark moment, this was always going to happen one day.
“Susie helped make dinner,” Kris says, and winks at her. “I’m a good teacher, huh?”
“Psh, you wish.”