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It finally happened. Remus and Sirius were alone.
After two weeks of constant vigilance, with James and Peter always by Remus's side, and Remus's commitment to dodge Sirius’s advancement with ease, they were finally alone in the dorm. James and Peter had gotten detention, and a first year had accidentally spilled a nasty potion in the library, causing Remus's usual hiding place to close.
“I’ll find somewhere else to study then.” Remus said, packing up his book bag, making a point to not look anywhere in Sirius’s direction. Sirius sat on the edge of his bed, hands in his lap, looking at Remus's back.
“Remus, please, can we talk?”
“No. I’ve told you a hundred times, no.” He harshly shoved a notebook into his bag. Remus knew he didn’t actually have to study, he just needed to get away from Sirius. He didn’t want to hear his boyfriend’s (ex?) excuses of why he almost ruined his life.
“Well I want to.”
“Well I don’t care. I don’t want to.”
Two weeks of this. Sirius trying to catch Remus, trying to apologise to him about his stupid prank. He didn’t believe Snape would believe him, didn’t believe he would go down to the Whomping Willow to find it out himself. And when he realised that Snape was in fact going, he ran to James, in hopes that they could fix it in time. And well, they sort of did. James gave him a proper yell after it.
“James says we should.”
“Oh bloody great. Thanks James.” Remus finished packing his bag, grabbing his wand from his bed. “I still don’t want to.” He goes the long way round the dorm to avoid Sirius as he begins for the door.
Sirius stood up suddenly. He couldn’t let Remus away. He didn’t know if there was going to be another moment like this again soon. He loves Remus. He wants Remus to remember that. He wants to make it up to him. He would do anything in the world just for Remus's forgiveness.
“Moony, please.” Sirius made a grab for Remus's wrist. Remus snatched it away cruelly and turned towards Sirius.
“Don’t call me that. You don’t deserve to call me that.” Remus had gotten a new scar from the last moon. One that went cut through his left eyebrow and went all the way down to the top of his mouth. It shifted as Remus threw a look of disgust at Sirius. A permanent reminder of the pain Sirius caused.
“I know. I know. I’m sorry. Please let me explain.”
Remus gripped the strap of his bag harder, his knuckles turning red.“I don’t want your explanation. I don’t care why you did it.”
“You’re right. It doesn’t matter. Just let me apologise.” Sirius took a breath. “Let me beg for your forgiveness.”
And Sirius would beg. Beg for his life if he needed. Just for Remus to forgive him. Not even for him to love him again, Sirius could understand if Remus never loved him again. Sirius wasn’t made for love. No, he just wanted Remus'ss forgiveness.
Remus loosened his grip on his bag and laughed. “Right. So you want to apologise so I can forgive you and everything can go back to normal and your conscience is clear while mine still holds the weight that I almost killed someone that night.”
“No, Remus I-”
“Fuck you, Sirius!” Remus dropped his book bag on the ground, making a heavy noise that made Sirius step back. “You really don’t care about me do you?”
“I do! I do, I just wasn’t thinking I swear-”
“You weren’t thinking?! I don’t believe that for a second Sirius. You knew what you were doing telling Snape about my lycanthropy. You were using it to scare him. You were using me to scare him. How do you think that makes me feel Sirius? My deepest secret, the one that makes me go through hell every month, the one that has me disabled for the rest of my life, the one that could send me to Azkaban if something goes wrong. Yeah, that secret just happened to slip out from you for some weak excuse as revenge. Godric, you’re so fucking conceded Sirius. I can’t believe I ever trusted you.”
Sirius dropped his head, tears forming in his grey eyes. It hurt, but Remus was right. Everything he said was true. And Sirius deserves this. He knew he deserved Remus's anger, he had betrayed him, he knew that. But bloody hell did it hurt to hear it.
“Please.” Sirius sobbed. “I’m sorry.”
“I’m sure you are. But I don’t care. I don’t care about you anymore.”
Wait. Sirius’s brows furrowed. He shook his head. Remus, not caring? No. That’s impossible. Remus cares. Remus cares so much. Remus cares about his friends. He cares about his grades. He cares about his mother, and he rarely admits it but he cares about his father too. That’s what made Sirius fall in love with Remus in the first place. Remus's ability to care, even about someone as messed up as Sirius was. But if Remus doesn’t care about him, then what?
His thoughts began to shift.
Sirius’s mother cares too. That’s why she yells at him, why she hexes him. It may be because he’s doing something wrong, but it's still attention, still care. Sirius needs that punishment. Needs it to do better, to be better. If he doesn’t get punished, then how will he stop from doing it again?
That’s what Sirius had been waiting for these past two weeks. For Remus to get upset at him and finally hurt him. Like his mother does when he acts out. But instead Remus was distant, indifferent. Didn’t seem to care.
“I don’t understand.” Sirius finally said. Remus chuckled again, and it reminded Sirius of when his mother laughed before she brought out her wand.
“Don’t understand what Sirius? That people won’t just automatically forgive you just because you’re the Sirius Black. You didn’t just hurt me Sirius. You burned me. Left a scar. Physically and emotionally. How could I ever forgive you for this?”
Remus threw up his arms, his right hand still holding his wand. Sirius backed away more, preparing for what was coming next. Good , he thought. But it never does.
Remus turned his head away, a tear coming out of his eye that he tried to sniff away. “Why?” He asked, trying to focus on something else in the room, anything but Sirius.
The truth was, Remus did care. A lot. He cared about Sirius so fucking much that it hurt him. But after the prank, Remus realised that Sirius didn’t care for him as much as he did. If he did, then he wouldn’t have told Snape. And Remus couldn’t handle that, so he tried pushing Sirius away. Trying to care less about him, as impossible as that was.
Sirius looked at Remus's face. Looked at his messy hair that he likes to tuck behind Remus's ear when they’re studying. Looked at his jagged scars that he used to trace as they laid in bed looking at each other. Looked at his hazel eyes- that aren’t looking back at him -that he loves to see light up when he compliments him.
He asks himself- how could he fuck up such a beautiful thing like Remus. He knows the answer: because he’s Sirius Black, and that’s what he does. Fucks up everything good in his life, he can’t help it. He doesn’t know why, maybe it’s in his Black nature. His mother has told him he’s a mistake, so maybe it’s the universe reminding him that he’s not supposed to be here. A reminder that Sirius Black is a bad person. But he doesn’t say that.
“I don’t know why.”
Remus turned his face back to Sirius, his hazel eyes not lost anymore, instead they’re filled with irritation.
“That’s not good enough.” Remus says resolutely, turning away.
Sirius is still confused, a part of his brain itching for a certain outcome. One that he’s used to. Why isn’t Remus more angry at him? Remus should be furious, he should be yelling at Sirius. That’s what his mother does, and she gets upset so easily, for much smaller things than this. So why isn’t Remus? Sirius knows he has every right to be. Maybe Sirius just needs to push him more. Then Remus will finally be able to punish him, like he deserves. Sirius knows how to piss Remus off. He knows a lot about Remus.
“Moony.”
“I told you to stop calling me that!” Remus yells. They’re getting somewhere, Sirius thinks.
“I know but-” This is how he riles up his mother. His mother doesn’t like his opinions. Doesn’t care what he has to say. He can tell Remus is thinking the same.
“But what, Sirius? You think that’ll make me forgive you? Calling me some dumb nickname! I’m not falling for it Sirius, not this time. You have ruined me! And I hate myself for it! How stupid is that? Hating myself for something that you did! To me! Godric. I- I wish I could just… just- ARGH.”
Remus is not a violent person. The wolf is, and he hates the wolf, so he does everything he can to be the opposite. He hates fighting, especially with Sirius. He doesn’t know what he wants from Sirius anymore. An apology? Maybe, but Remus doesn’t know if it’ll ever be good enough.
Remus put his palms against his forehead and let out a grunt. He threw his hands back down to his side, creating some accidental magic that made the mug and books on his desk fall to the ground, the mug shattering. Shard of ceramic landing by Sirius’s feet.
“Fuck.” Remus mumbled, pointing his wand at the books, placing them back up on the desk. Sirius can tell Remus's magic is currently fueled by anger. Sirius’ magic is like that a lot. The books moved abruptly and get slammed down as they’re placed back up on the desk. “This is all your fault Sirius. And it was my favourite mug.”
Remus almost whispered that last sentence and Sirius knew they were losing momentum. Once Remus cleaned up his desk, he’d leave and the conversation was over. He couldn’t let that happen. He still hasn’t gotten what he deserves. He knows Remus wants to hurt him, everyone does. Remus is just too kind to initiate it. Sirius had to take it into his own hands.
“Moony can I-”
“Can you stop talking for one fucking minute Sirius?” Remus is no longer focused on the mess that he created. Instead he is focused on Sirius’s desperation. So he turned back to Sirius, the shattered mug still waiting to be repaired. His wand arm is still out though, and this is when Sirius moves.
In one swift movement Sirius grabbed Remus's right arm as he lowered himself down onto his knees. His right knee slamming down onto a shard of the mug. He points Remus's wand right at his head and grasps his lover’s wrists with both hands, steadying it. He looks Remus in his eyes, begging.
“Do it, Remus. Fucking do it.”
“Do what?” Remus tried to pull back, but Sirius’s grip is strong.
You idiot. Sirius thinks. I know you want to do it. It’s what I deserve. I’m helping you.
“Hex me.”
“What-no.” Remus's voice shows real concern now. Sirius doesn’t notice- he’s breathing too hard. His mother never hesitates. Half the time, Sirius doesn’t know what he’s done wrong until halfway through his punishment when his mother finally yells it out. But this time it’s obvious to Sirius what he did wrong. It’s obvious that he needs to get punished.
“Remus I know you want to.” Everyone hurts Sirius. He’s used to it. It’s how he moves through this world. He’s surprised Remus hasn’t hurt him yet, in all his years of misguided pranks. Moony will feel better after he does it. He knows his mother always does.
“No I don’t.” Now Remus is the one to be confused. Why would Sirius think he wants to hurt him? Remus loves Sirius, as much as he has upset him as of late. Remus has never seen Sirius like this. His Sirius is loud and obnoxious. He never backs down from a fight, even if it’s him against four older Slytherins. His Sirius is a rebel. He’s brave and cocky, and has so much passion. The Sirius in front of him is not His Sirius. He sees Sirius kneeling on the floor, blood starting to seep out from underneath his right knee. A look of submission in his eyes as he grips Remus's wrist.
“I’ve been awful to you Remus. I betrayed your trust. I told your deepest secret to Snape. I’m a horrible person. I deserve it. So just do it.” Sirius has never begged for a punishment before. His mother is probably proud of him right now.
Remus kept tugging, trying to get out of Sirius’s grip. “Sirius. Let go.” Remus was truly crying now. He was scared.
Not for himself, like he was the morning after, when James came into the hospital wing and explained the incident to him. When afterwards Remus couldn’t sleep that night because he just kept thinking of what could’ve happened. How he probably wouldn’t have remembered killing Snape if he did. How Remus felt like a monster, the first time in a long time that he’s felt like that.
No, he’s not scared for himself. He’s scared for Sirius.
He’s heard Sirius’s late night confessions of his mother’s beatings. Remus recalls Sirius telling them in lighthearted ways, just an anecdote from home. He always told Remus he never really knew the reasons why his mother punished him. And when Remus would tell him to report it to other adults, Sirius would just laugh and say that he was used to it and that it didn’t really matter.
It hit Remus like a train that Sirius expects him to be like his mother. To hurt him as Remus saw fit. But Remus couldn’t do that. He would never do that. Because he loved Sirius. Truly loved him, not the type of “love” that Walburga deals out to him. Unconditional love , Remus realised. Despite what Sirius did, Remus knew he’d forgive him in the end. And for a flicker of a moment Remus acknowledged that that might be dangerous, that his unconditional love for Sirius might ruin him in the end. But at that moment, Remus didn’t care.. Maybe that’s the one thing Remus doesn’t care about, as long as he can have His Sirius back.
“Padfoot.” Remus let out a breath that he didn’t even realise he was holding. He kneeled down in front of Sirius, guiding both his and Sirius’s arms down to his lap. “I’m not going to hurt you.”
Sirius’s tear-filled eyes had been on Remus's the entire time. He blinked rapidly trying to take in Moony’s new words. “Why not? I’m allowing you to. I want you to.” How else is Sirius supposed to repent? That’s what his mother tells him during punishments. To repent.
“Because. I love you. And I lied. I do care about you, Padfoot.” Remus could feel Sirius’s grip on his wrist loosen. Good, we’re getting somewhere, Remus thought.
“But I hurt you. It’s only fair.”
Remus removed his hands from Sirius’s grips and set his wand beside them on the floor. Sirius’s hands sat loosely at his side. Remus toke Sirius’s face in his hands and took a deep breath. He needed Sirius to accept what he’s about to say. If he didn’t, Remus feared that Sirius will never be able to understand.
“Sirius, it’s not fair that you’ve been hurt before. You don’t deserve it. And I refuse to hurt you more. You don’t hurt the ones you love.”
Sirius was awestruck by Remus's kindness, which he knew he didn't deserve. But Remus said he loves him, and that he cares about him. And Sirius loves and cares about Remus back. And he doesn’t want to make him upset anymore. Sirius knows he’s broken, but for the first time, he thinks it may not be in the ways his mother tells him. Tears start streaming down Sirius’s face, Remus's hands catch them on his cheeks, absorbing Sirius’s sorrows. We are complicated. And I can handle it. Remus thinks.
“I’m so so sorry Moony. I don’t deserve you.” Sirius slowly brought his hands up to clutch Remus's wrists, anchoring himself. This time Sirius was reaching out for love though, not for punishment.
Remus leaned in and rested his forehead on Sirius’s. They breathed deeply together. Sirius giving Remus an apology. Giving him the most appreciation anyone could ever have. Giving him everything. Remus giving Sirius empathy. Giving him hope. Giving him love. Unconditional love . And he slowly, slowly started to give him forgiveness.