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Law drifted sometimes. When nothing was happening to keep him occupied, sometimes he just… floated away. It had gotten him banned from keeping watch, when he’d let their tiny ship at the time drift into an iceberg all the way back in the North Blue.
He knew he had problems. Law had read all the psychology books he could get his hands on and understood how trauma affected people. But knowing that the nightmares, night terrors , and chronic insomnia were from watching his entire country burn and hiding in a pile of corpses to escape did not make it any easier to deal with.
He wouldn’t call himself depressed. Not exactly, he’d never wanted to die, just resigned himself to the inevitability, only 8 years old with two years left as the lead slowly weighed down his bones. Then Cora-san had given him the fruit and now he couldn’t let himself die, not until he’d gotten revenge at the very least (and if that was a suicide quest in and of itself then Law wasn’t inclined to think to deeply on it.)
No, dissociation was a better word. He’d be trying to study, or sleep and then he’d just be gone. The disorientating feeling of standing over yourself and nothing seeming real.
On some of the worst days he’d find himself reaching uselessly for the scars in his mind where his family bonds once were. He knew they were something special, something inherent that was passed on with The Will just as The Words were, but oftentimes he found himself hating them.
He’d made three bonds in his life, two he didn’t remember his parents claiming him when he was born and one he did. He remembered the pride and joy he felt, pronouncing the words slowly and surely as he accepted his little sister into the family.
His mom had explained that it was different for them then it was for his dad and sister because they didn’t carry The Will, but that didn’t make it any less meaningful or them any less family. His sister had been his cousin on his dad’s side before she was his sister but her father wasn’t around and her mom died in childbirth.
Sometimes he wondered if she had carried The Will too, if she would have lived.
He remembered his mother, a fierce smile on her face, standing off against a barricade of marines with a scalpel in one hand and something that could no longer be qualified as a defibrillator in the other, practically daring them to try burning down her hospital.
They still did, but she died with a content smile on her face nonetheless because he got away. The feeling of her bond snapping had hurt the worst.
Sometimes he imagined there were two other bonds still there. Drifting and distant in his mind that felt like protection and family and home. But he never let himself fully reach for them, too scared they might disappear under closer scrutiny.
He’d wondered before if he should become brothers with Bepo, Penguin and Shachi but despite how much he’d come to care for them over the years (how much he always had) he couldn’t bring himself to do it. The thought of something happening, the pain of a bond breaking, he wasn’t sure he could live through it again. So despite how much it might help ground him, being their Captain would have to be enough.
It was, most of the time.
“Captain, Captain, Law,” a voice drifted through his consciousness. Something warm pressed against his neck and Law made a small noise in response. Slowly the warmth began to move, lightly pressing down into his spine as it stroked the back of his neck.
“Law, can you hear me?” Fingers slipped into his hand and squeezed gently. “We’re about an hour away from the island. Bepo’s really looking forward to it since it’s a winter one,” he continued softly. “I’ll try to convince the boys not to trudge a bunch of snow back into the sub, but it’s been a while so you know the snowball fight is going to be epic. Someone might even take your title if you don’t get out there.”
Law let out a small huff, a muted expression of amusement, and immediately the other hand tightened around his. “Hey Law,” Shachi’s voice called to him. “Yeah, it’ll be pretty exciting. I’m looking forward to getting out there. I mean, you know I love the sub, but it’s nice to get out once in a while. Do you think you can head up with us? Do you think you can come up with us? Squeeze my hand if you’re hearing any of this.”
It took a second for the words to process, Law's fingers twitching as he felt which hand he needed to move. Shachi let out a breath of relief as he managed it. “That’s it, there you go.” He held back tightly, knuckles firmly running down the back of his neck. “Your eyes are open, Law, but I need you to focus them, ok? Can you see me? Law.” A loud click of the tongue went off in front of his face and Law jerked, his eyes blinking and finally coming into focus. Shachi’s smiling face greeted him. “There you are, Captain,” he said gently. Hand still gripping his and another holding his head in place.
Law blinked again, and a few more times, his grip crushed the other’s hand as he let out a large sigh. “Thanks,” he mumbled, his free hand coming up to scrub the sleep out of his eyes.
“Of course Law,” Shachi said gently. “Are you going to be good now?”
Law nodded slowly. “Yeah, yeah I’m good.” He pushed Shachi back a little and stood up, the other’s hands hovering around him in case he stumbled.
Shachi looked him over with a critical eye and Law flushed. He grabbed his hat off the table and shoved it on his head, hiding his face. Shachi’s lips twitched in an amused smile, but he knew better than to let Law see it.
“I’m going to go check the course with Bepo, go see if there’s anything we’ll need to buy on this stop,” Law ordered, moving out of the room.
Shachi nodded, fondness and relief coloring his words. “Aye Captain.” Then quietly, Law just barely hearing it as the door closed. “Good to have you back, Law.”