Chapter Text
Park Hill flats stood solitary against the darkening sky, its usually bright colours dampened. Yaz pulled her jacket tightly across her chest, willing herself to go inside. A warm light flickered on in her parent’s apartment, and after a moment, a figure wandered past the window. She strained her eyes, but distance disguised their identity.
Too many years had passed since she’d last seen her family, and the part of her heart that was still in use was clamouring to hug them all. Even Sonya. But they would see through her facade in an instant, and Yaz wasn’t ready for that. It was only while no-one questioned it that she could be optimistic for her own future and for the Doctor’s.
If she accepted Kate Stewart’s offer to work at UNIT, at least she’d be in a position where she could continue helping people. And the Doctor’s new incarnation would inevitably be amazing. But her family could read her emotions too easily, and she wanted to hold onto the semi-fiction that everything would be okay for as long as possible.
And yet, the need to see them was almost overwhelming.
Icy rain stung her cheeks, ran down her neck, and permeated her definitely not waterproof jacket. It slammed everything into abrupt clarity; she would have to go in at some point, so it may as well be before she froze. Yaz took a deep breath before taking one step, then another, until she was faced with their front door.
She touched her finger to the doorbell and paused for a final moment to gather her thoughts. The harsh buzzer summoned hasty footsteps, and she held her breath as the door opened.
Najia’s eyes widened when she saw who was at the door. “Yaz.” The mug of tea in her hand tilted too far and almost spilled over as she opened her arms. She quickly put her mug down on the side table, then swept Yaz into a hug, “What a lovely surprise.”
The moment Yaz wrapped her arms around her mum, tears pricked at her eyes. She managed a low “Hi,” and squeezed even tighter.
“What’s wrong?”
Yaz smiled despite herself.
A single word and her mum had already picked up on the emotions she was trying her best to keep buried. Using the Doctor’s trick of pivoting the conversation, Yaz tried “I’ve missed you.” But her voice broke on the final word; she stiffened as her mum stroked her hair, willing her not to mention it.
“Has your secondment finished?”
“Something like that.” Yaz said, tension dissipating. Now she just needed the tears on the verge of falling to recede. She thought herself into a different mindset; she’d gained so much from travelling with the Doctor, she should be happy with everything she’s had the chance to see and do. The Doctor was out there somewhere, still saving the universe. And by ignoring all of the ‘buts’, it worked. Yaz pulled back.
“You look…” Najia frowned, peering at her face, “different. You almost look older.”
“Wow, thanks Mum.” Yaz folded her arms, annoyed even though it was true. At least the irritation pushed her other emotions further away.
Najia studied her for a moment before she picked up her mug and closed the door, heading to the kitchen. “Right,” she called behind her, “I’ll make some tea, then you can tell me…” she glanced back at Yaz, likely determining the best words to continue with, “how you’ve been.”
“Is anyone else in?” Yaz asked as she slipped her shoes and mustard coloured jacket off, hanging the latter on her hook. The familiarity of that simple action almost threw her off. She tried to pull herself together.
“No, just us.”
She wasn’t sure if that was better or worse; talking only to her mum felt less daunting, but it also meant more personal questions.
Yaz let herself into the living room and flopped onto the sofa. She stared at the blank television. When was the last time she’d sat and watched a TV other than for TARDIS film nights? She leaned her head back against the sofa and turned her attention to the ceiling, wondering whether living a normal life would ever actually feel normal to her.
Maybe if she did decide to work at UNIT, she could carry on having adventures. And maybe if she kept moving, she’d be able to outrun her emotions. It wouldn’t be the same though, without the Doctor. Her stomach twisted as she swallowed the pain away.
Najia came in holding a tray and placed it carefully on the coffee table. Yaz reached out for her tea, ready for the slightly too hot mug to warm her fingers, but froze with her arm extended when she spotted the plate of custard creams. That was all it took for the optimism to vanish and for pressure to push at her throat until the sobs took over. She covered her mouth with her hand, willing herself not to break, but the last 48 hours overtook and pulled her under. Stopping was not an option.
“Oh, Yaz,” Najia said. The sofa dipped beside her and arms pulled her into another hug.
Biscuits were what made her crack. She’d known this would happen at some point, but biscuits? The absurdity made laughter bubble up along with another sob.
“It’s okay,” Najia whispered into Yaz’s ear, stroking her hair, “whatever it is, we’ll deal with it.”
The Doctor was gone, and she hadn’t even gotten to say goodbye. It wasn’t fair. The thought only made Yaz cry harder, but she hugged back tightly and let her mum comfort her.
Tears fell until the tension consuming her began to dissipate and tiredness overtook her.
***
Hushed tones were the first thing Yaz noticed as she woke, though the meaning of the words were still too hard to grasp. Najia’s jumper, rough under her cheek, stirred her further, and her parents’ voices gradually became coherent.
“—don’t know. She didn’t manage to tell me before falling asleep.”
“Maybe she’ll talk once she’s awake if it’s just you.” He paused, “Should I go?” Yaz frowned at the thought of her dad leaving without her saying hello and forced her eyes open, blinking away the lingering drowsiness and embarrassment at sobbing in front of her mum.
“Hi Dad,” she said, voice deep with sleep. She sat upright and dabbed at the corner of her mouth followed by the damp fabric on her mum’s shoulder. “Sorry Mum."
She stepped around the coffee table to hug her dad who smelled of the local chippy. Arms around him, she glanced over to the dining table, now displaying several grease soaked paper covered mounds. “Is there enough for me?”
“Course there is.” Hakim squeezed her arm and she felt his smile against her shoulder. “I’m glad you’re home,” he whispered.
Yaz tightened her arms and smiled. “I’ll set the table.” At least helping out was a good way to avoid talking about things she couldn’t begin to explain.
Sonya shuffled through the door before Yaz could escape to the kitchen, swiping at her phone. A small wave was the only evidence Sonya had even noticed she was there. Yaz rolled her eyes, but still stepped forwards and hugged her.
“I only saw you a few weeks ago, weirdo,” Sonya said, but hugged Yaz back anyway.
“It’s been almost two months, Sonya.” Hakim said.
“Yeah, alright.” Sonya pulled away and glanced up. “You look rough Yaz.”
“Nice to see you too.” At one point that would have pissed her off, but Yaz just smiled at her and left the room. At least the question of how long it had been for them had been answered; no wonder everyone thought she looked older. Two months versus almost five years. A grimace replaced her smile. She should have visited after the Flux ravaged the universe, but once the Doctor had admitted to her that she’d been told she didn’t have much time left in her current incarnation, nothing could have torn her from the Doctor’s side.
No, not current, she realised, her heart sinking. Previous incarnation.
Yaz took a deep breath and grabbed plates and cutlery from the kitchen. Everything felt strange. Before she’d been stranded in the past, they’d made sure to return at least every few months, and tried to match the amount of time passing for their friends’ and families’, but now, well, she felt displaced. Maybe she should find a way to tell them even a small part of what had happened since she’d met the Doctor, instead of holding it all inside.
Shaking off the feeling, she returned to the living room and set the table. Her stomach growled; when was the last time she’d eaten? She looked over at her family on the sofa. If she did tell them what had happened, they’d never believe her. Unless they’d seen something of the Flux. Her dad might be willing to believe, she supposed, but she didn’t really want her and the Doctor’s story to be lumped in with all the crazy things her dad had seen on the internet.
Still, she wanted to tell them something, and it might be good to talk about it. At the very least, they couldn’t keep believing she was still working for the police; it had been a long time since she quit, even from their point of view. Plus, she didn’t want to be like the Doctor in that sense; not talking to the people she cared the most about. No. That wasn’t fair; since they’d become a couple, the Doctor had tried so hard to communicate better.
The feeling built until the desire to tell them became a broken damn, pushing the words out, “I’ve not been on secondment.”
“What, love?” Her mum came over, concern radiating off her.
“I’ve been…” She searched for the right words to ease them into it, “...travelling. With the Doctor. We’ve been helping people. I don’t work for the police anymore. I haven’t for a while. I’ve been offered a new job, but I’ve not decided about that yet.”
She tried to avoid their shocked expressions by looking down at the table, and continued setting out the plates.
“Travelling? Lucky,” said Sonya, “even if it was with your weird friend.”
Yaz’s head snapped up and she opened her mouth to tell Sonya she wasn’t weird, but that would be a lie. The Doctor was the weirdest, most wonderful person she’d ever met. Emotions on the verge of betraying her again, her stomach twisted and her heart tightened. She shifted her attention back to the cutlery to ease the pain.
No-one spoke for a moment, but Yaz could see her mum admonishing her sister out of the corner of her eye. Najia said “Why didn’t you say? And what do you mean, helping people?”
Yaz managed to look back up at them, “I promise I’ll tell you all about it later, but for now, just know that we were travelling, we were happy, and now it’s over. I couldn’t—” save her. Her voice broke on that last word, and a lump lodged in her throat. She busied herself with unwrapping the food until Sonya put her hand on her arm. Looking up, she found her sister’s expression had changed from disinterest to concern, and that her parents had already left the room, leaving them to talk alone.
“Did you ask them to leave?” Yaz frowned.
Sonya nodded and pulled her over to the sofa. “You don’t have to tell me what’s been happening, but you seem on the verge here, and I need to know you’re okay.”
Yaz made herself meet Sonya’s eye. “I’m not okay, not at the moment. I will be though; you don’t need to worry. It’s not like before.” She hesitated and looked down at her hands, “I’m just… I’m not ready to talk about it yet.”
A sudden urge to share everything almost overwhelmed her, but Sonya spoke before she managed to start. “Okay good. Well, I’m here to listen when you’re ready.”
“Thanks, Son.”
“You and her though…?”
Yaz looked back up to see Sonya smiling at her. “Me and her.” Yaz nodded, her heart slightly lighter. Even if she couldn’t share everything yet, it was nice, telling her this one thing.
Sonya’s eyes widened. “I knew it.” She slapped Yaz’s arm.
Yaz grinned back at her for a split second until she remembered and her smile faltered.
“But not anymore?” asked Sonya.
The air felt thin, and Yaz choked out, “Not anymore.”
Her sister’s arms wrapped around her and held her until the tears ran dry.
***
Yaz shut her bedroom door behind her, relieved to be alone again. She loved her family, but she needed to recharge after the emotional day. Alone didn’t usually mean just her though. It hadn’t for a while now. But only the Doctor occupied the particular category of being alone together, and she was no longer here.
Yaz considered tapping her shoulder to talk to the holographic version of the Doctor, but dismissed the idea almost immediately; it would just make things harder.
Already exhausted when she’d arrived, now Yaz just wanted to curl into a ball and pass out. It was only when she clicked the light on and stepped forward that she noticed the brown removal boxes. She frowned and opened the top one.
On top of a pile of clothes she thought were lost forever to the TARDIS was a collection of objects she’d gathered. The Doctor must have dropped them off before she left to regenerate.
Shuffling past some photos that she wasn’t ready to look at, she found a silvery anklet with links made up of beautiful flowers that the Doctor had spotted in a market on a distant planet. That was a recent one, and Yaz clutched it close to her chest. Part of her wanted to stop; continuing was going to be difficult. But another part needed to surround herself with these memories, despite the pain, so she reached in again.
Numerous small trinkets surrounded her by the time she’d reached the second box; a shell she’d found on a beach on a distant planet, the adaptive hologram the Doctor had left in her pocket years before, a drawing she’d attempted of the Doctor sitting at the TARDIS doors.
She lifted out a large, shimmering, deep blue rock that Ryan had given her once, but it was the items underneath it that made her breath catch. She picked up the Doctor’s sonic in one hand, and psychic paper in the other, leaning against the side of the box. A small smile appeared along with tears as she contemplated them. Was this a copy of the sonic, produced by the TARDIS, or the Doctor’s own? It didn’t matter either way, not really, but Yaz hoped it was a copy, that she and the Doctor might use them at the same time. That it meant they’d somehow stay connected.
She switched off the light and climbed into bed. Still clutching the sonic, she shut her eyes and let her mind drift towards unconsciousness.
***
Despite the exhaustion clawing at her body, Yaz rolled over for what felt like the hundredth time that night. Nothing felt right. Not her bed, not the smell of her parents flat, nothing. This place used to be home, but now, without Dan snoring close by, without the hum that permeated the TARDIS, without the distant sounds of the Doctor fixing things, without the Doctor… sleep felt unobtainable.
Releasing the sonic, she scrubbed her hands over her face, then rolled over and reached for her phone. 5:23 am. Maybe a run would help tire her mind out. It was an old trick for her: run as fast as you can to escape the thoughts filling your brain, replace them with struggling to breathe from going too far, too fast.
She dressed in the darkness before grabbing her phone and keys. Her hand hovered over the sonic for a moment, unwilling to part with it, but she didn’t want to risk it falling out of her running outfit’s shallow pockets, so she left it.
The flat was silent and she made sure to keep it that way as she crept to the front door. The click of the latch seemed deafening; she looked around wildly, worried she’d wake someone, but no-one emerged.
Her trainers slapped the pavement as cold air filled her lungs. Street lights flickered, filling the world with shadows and darkness that felt even deeper with the presence of light. With no-one else around and the emptiness left by the Doctor’s absence, Yaz felt alone in the universe. Thoughts of the Doctor still flooded her consciousness, so she shook her head and pushed herself to go faster.
The trees of the local park loomed over the pavement. Yaz stayed outside, running alongside it rather than going in. Risking danger might be second nature by this point, but entering a park at night with no-one in around felt different somehow.
She blinked and forced herself to a sudden stop, breath scraping at her lungs and throat. She’d been for a picnic just a short walk inside with Ryan and Graham once, soon after they’d started travelling with the Doctor.
Ryan and trees. How could she have forgotten? When the Doctor took Ada Lovelace and Noor Inayat Khan home once they’d beaten the Master the first time, they’d spent an evening deciding where to hide the Master’s TARDIS. It was just sitting in the woods where Ryan found Tzim Sha’s ship, disguised as a tree, just waiting for someone to use it. She’d always looked at trees that bit more thoroughly since then.
She tapped her shoulder immediately, heart beating loudly in her ears even though she’d already caught her breath. The hologram flickered on, and her Doctor appeared in front of her. “Alright Yaz? Is something wrong? Did the degeneration…”
Yaz tried to ignore the flips her insides were doing at the sight and sound of this inferior imitation of the Doctor and concentrated on what she needed. “The Master’s TARDIS… do I need a key to get in?”
“Not necessarily,” she said. That wasn’t quite the promising answer Yaz hoped for. “I mean, you’ve been in that TARDIS before; if she liked you, she’ll let you in.”
“And assuming I’m let in, will the TARDIS sabotage what I’m doing? Or try to hurt me?”
The hologram frowned. “What will you be doing?”
Yaz shook her head. “Doesn’t matter.”
The holo-Doctor shrugged.
“Great, thanks, very useful,” said Yaz, throwing her hands up.
“It’s a risk, but only really if the Master decided to set up a trap, and since I, well, the Doctor, used it after him, it’s very unlikely.” She paused. “Why?”
“I’ll let you know if I manage to get inside.” Yaz smiled, almost. Even without the hologram’s worried frown, she could tell the smile was slightly too wide, a side effect of not enough sleep combined with a jagged emotional state. She scaled it back and nodded at the holo-Doctor who seemed to take a deep breath, then disappeared. Exercise cut short, Yaz sped back to her parent’s flat.